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 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 26
Odd man outPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Can anybody relate , either in the past or now, to being at a stage in your life where all your friends are in couples and as a result you feel like a leper ?


Personally, I seem to have the opposite "problem" as it may be. I tend to get invited to a bunch of social events that involve groups, groups of people that I USE to be part of. But, I tend not to live for the past, even though I have very good memories being part of those groups. But, again, it was the past.

I believe, that, back then, we, as groups had certain things that connected us, certain goals, interests, etc. But, now, my goals, connections, interests, etc, have changed and so have the people in those groups, it's just some of them don't realize it. In the next week or so, I have numerous people from the past visiting the lower mainland because of something that I was involved with years ago. My phone has been buzzing endlessly for the last 2 days, with invites to meet up. The only problem I have is that NOW, I'm not really involved in this interest as these other people.

I went out with a group of them last night, and yes, it was nice to rehash, revisit those times. But, with all that, the night reminded me of why I have lost interest in what they find still interesting, and/or important. The people themselves, or least the majority of them, are still as "good" as they were back then but, what we find of interest as individuals is not.

I see things differently than I did "back then". With that, my interests, and lists of what I find important have evolved differently than those of my past. It's just part of the evolving of the individual. Sometimes that evolving connect with the same people of our pasts. Most times, it does not.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 27
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/9/2017 11:51:05 PM

So, would it kill these couples to have a lunch or dinner with me too ?

Actually, it is up to you to call your friends and say "Hey, haven't seen you in awhile. Let's go have lunch/dinner." Why? Because most people who are in a relationship assume that inviting a single friend along will leave them feeling like the odd man out AT THE LUNCH OR DINNER. It is called being a third wheel. People complain about that quite frequently.... being a third wheel along for a date.

Here is another way of thinking about it. Do you always invite your single friends along when you go on a date? Why not? I don't know about you and your relationships in the past, but most people... once they pair up... they rarely have time for anything that doesn't involve their significant other first. That's kind of why they decided to pair up... to be able to focus on their partner better. They aren't single any more, so they aren't really going to do things that single people do... like, hanging out with friends.

Then there is the fact that most couples want couples' friends. They don't want an odd number of people. Two couples. Then, when one pair is talking/interacting, there is still another pair of people that can interact with each other, rather than one person being left out.


But to act like some love sick teenager who forgets all about his friends....I believe that falls into the fairweather category.

Don't go redefining common things to suit how you feel. It is most certainly not a matter of a fairweather friend. It is the matter of two people who have decided to dedicate MOST of their time to their partner. That's a relationship. That's why they paired up... so they could spend the majority of their time with their partner. And... if marriage comes of it, then that pairing? That becomes a matter of the money being shared, the living space being shared, transportation being shared, food being shared... it is a meshing of two individuals into a single couple... a single entity.


There is a get together this Saturday for someone's birthday but I'm seriously considering not going so I don't have to be the lone single guy aka worthless POS who should be taken out back and put out of his misery

This is YOU saying that YOU don't want to get together with couples, because of how you are making yourself feel. Also, it is another view of how you are expecting your friends who have paired up, to now make special concessions for you. They are supposed to go out of their way to take the fact that you are single into account, and try harder to make you feel included. That's wrong. It isn't their responsibility.

If you are feeling alone, go out and meet more people. If you have no more single friends, go out and make more single friends. When did that cease to be your responsibility? Why did that cease to be your responsibility? Your paired friends? They now have a responsibility to their new partner OVER you. Why? Do you have sex with those friends? Do you keep them warm at night with your body heat? Do you cook their favorite breakfast or supper?

You are expecting some kind of loyalty here, but I'm not seeing anything you've posted that expresses you being loyal to your friends. Because being loyal would mean being understanding... and being understanding means you realize that this is how it goes. People pair up, their focus becomes the relationship, marriage, kids, etc, etc.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 28
Odd man out
Posted: 9/10/2017 1:31:35 AM

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute.

I don't believe he's asking for a regularly recurring spot in their lives, just an acknowledgment he still exists from time to time, and probably not an entire day devoted to him, either. A mere few hours (if even that) would probably suffice.

I think anyone with an inkling of common sense knows when you take on a romantic relationship or marriage, the vast majority of your time will be focused on the partner and the life the two of you create together, but that should never result in completely abandoning the people who were there for you through the proverbial "thick and thin" in life and picked the pieces of your broken ass off the ground when previous relationships ended in disaster. What's the point of making friends if eternal abandonment is inevitable?

Friends eventually die one day, too, and unexpectedly. Why wait for that to happen and live in regret realizing you actually did have a few moments in your life where you could have made time?
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 29
Odd man out
Posted: 9/10/2017 6:10:53 AM
While I didn't read the entire thread.....I understand the OP's thoughts.

Whenever my friends and/or colleagues hook up with someone, I either hear what I call the endless "sappy BS" or I don't hear from them for long stretches of time. I have tried to reach out to them and asked them to meet for lunch/dinner/coffee, but they are all "just too busy".

And yes, it's hard to be the "third wheel" anywhere you go.

OP......my advice.....don't wait around for these folks. If they were TRUE friends, they would include you for the various functions and NOT make you feel like a "third wheel" no matter what your "relationship status" is.

Go out and take on new interests. Join a sporting league, volunteer somewhere - museums are a great place to volunteer - you will meet so many interesting folks from all over the world - take a course from the community college for your own personal enrichment.......many have "mini non-credit workshops" in computers, cooking, dance, art and many other areas of interests and hobbies.

In the course of doing all those things......you WILL meet new friends and have something in common. - Develop those relationships and go from there.

In other words, don't wait around for the phone to ring.....whenever these fairweather friends call......you will be "just too busy" for them.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 30
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/11/2017 8:13:00 AM
" Maybe I'll think of some outrageous things to say about a new fictitious gf to amuse myself in case I do end up going."


She has 8 children and we all would have come but the van broke down.

She worries about people accepting our age gap. She'll be 98 this month.

Her husband wanted her to stay home tonight but I'll see her tomorrow morning, after 8 *cough

She has Tourettes syndrome and she might randomly call you a c8nt.

She was having a bad hair day but I think that shampoo killed most of the bugs.

She couldn't make it so I brought this life sized cardboard likeness of Farah... she looks just like her.

She dyed her poodle purple and couldn't get the stains off her hands in time for the party.

She is too exhausted from all the sex we had today. She didn't want to shower so I let her sleep.

She fell asleep while eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup and almost drowned.

She was on her way but she decided to stay home and watch the paint dry in the bathroom.

She is on call tonight but I was short $30 bucks.

She was going to come but she can't be to far away from the bathroom tonight... bad tacos.

There wasn't enough booze in the house for her to get ready to meet all of you.

She is working the night shift. She needs the overtime to pay for her husband's Meth habit.

She was already to come and then her two ugly step sisters tore up her dress, it was a mess.

She actually came here with me but made a clean get away as soon as she could.

She is waiting in the car, I told her who was going to be here.

She didn't have any denture cream and she was afraid her teeth would fall out like they did at Thanksgiving.



I can think of more excuses if you need them... just let me know Butterhunk. oxox
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 31
Odd man out
Posted: 9/11/2017 8:29:10 AM
"She is too exhausted from all the sex we had today."




I think I'll go with this one at the next get together - thanks Penny !





I don't believe he's asking for a regularly recurring spot in their lives, just an acknowledgment he still exists from time to time, and probably not an entire day devoted to him, either. A mere few hours (if even that) would probably suffice.

I think anyone with an inkling of common sense knows when you take on a romantic relationship or marriage, the vast majority of your time will be focused on the partner and the life the two of you create together, but that should never result in completely abandoning the people who were there for you through the proverbial "thick and thin" in life and picked the pieces of your broken ass off the ground when previous relationships ended in disaster. What's the point of making friends if eternal abandonment is inevitable?



Well put - BRAVO !
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 32
Odd man out
Posted: 9/11/2017 9:03:19 AM
Walts wrote

"I see things differently than I did "back then". With that, my interests, and lists of what I find important have evolved differently than those of my past. It's just part of the evolving of the individual. Sometimes that evolving connect with the same people of our pasts. Most times, it does not."




This reminds me of a friend I met in high school. We had many similar interests and shared a lot of good times. But around 1995 , he lost interest in what was " our " taste in music and became interested in Classical and Jazz music instead. We still had other similar interests but in hindsight when we lost the music thing it left a " gaping hole ".

In later years, when me and another friend would visit him we would sometimes play a game we called " top 3's " . I would say " list your top 3 fave albums of all time " , me and the other guy would list rock albums but he would be like "number 3 ... Beethoven's 5th concerto.... " and me and the other guy would roll our eyes at eachother, haha

I'm not going to go on and on about it but .... we're no longer friends. It's sad but , in a way, the guy I miss no longer exists. I miss that guy. He could be a lot of fun to hang with back in the day.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 33
Odd man out
Posted: 9/11/2017 9:40:22 AM
"Butter we all evolve. Its OK to grow into new things. "


Some friends evolve and grow in a way that doesn't equate to growing apart from their friends, sometimes it does.

It wasn't so much about him becoming interested in other types of music as it was about him losing interest in the type of music we both once enjoyed.

He was the one who would always be like " hey check THIS band out " and we'd talk about the bands, go to the concerts , etc

It was also his tude about it , like he was SUPERIOR all of a sudden. It was palpable - there were times I was sure he was going to pat me on the head and say " awww, you still like rock music, aren't you adorable "
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 34
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/12/2017 7:45:44 PM
Penny wrote:


When I think about it..I don't find a group of married couples all that entertaining. I find you get some of this, that or the other:

1. Couples that rank on each other all night,
2. Couples that brag, vacations, houses, vehicles, children, everything.
3. Couples that all they do is talk about their kids
4. Couples with no kids but 199 pictures of their dog on their phone ( furbaby)
5. Couples that bicker all night about nothing
6. Couples that fight over who is drinking to much and counting each other's drinks.
7. Couples that argue over who drives home, or rank on each other's driving skills.
8. Couples that are too touchy feely and to much PDA... uck ( get a ****ing room!)
9. Couple that go on and on about their ailments and Drs appointments and hospital visits...zzzzzz
10. Couples that give TMI information about their finances or other problems
11. Couple that keep trying to one up each other with the put downs or funny anecdotes about how stupid the other one is, was.
12. Couples that have to follow each other around all night so you can't even talk to the one that was your friend in privacy at all...


That's funny.

Now, I guess my question to Penny......or Chuck.... is which couple YOU are, when you're coupled, from the list above. Or would you be the perfect, entertaining, well balanced, non-boring couple?

If I was forced to name one from your list, I'd say #6 is probably the closest. But not really "fighting.".....but just because she doesn't drink, I enjoy a cold one (or multiple cold ones). Or even more closely applicable, one you didn't list, and that's the couple who fights because one wants to stay all night (me), and the other wants to leave early (SO).

Of all of the above, I find #3 the most annoying. Maybe because I don't have kids.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 35
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/12/2017 7:57:43 PM
I think one of the problems that leads this to happen is one person in the couple de-emphasizes contact with their friends (or had none to begin with) to focus on the relationship, and expects the other to do the same. If one person in a couple has a lot of friends, and the other doesn't, that can be a problem. THe pressure will be on the one with friends to curb the extracurricular friend activities. It probably has as much to do with your friends as it does you. Either they genuinely lost interest in the friendship (sometimes this just happens when one starts having kids and surfs off into parenthood), or are being pressured to do such and don't have the courage to stand up to their SO to keep you as a friend.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 36
Odd man out
Posted: 9/15/2017 4:21:57 AM

I'm not going to go on and on about it but .... we're no longer friends. It's sad but , in a way, the guy I miss no longer exists. I miss that guy. He could be a lot of fun to hang with back in the day.


This is exactly what happened this past weekend. The old friends and I are not the same as we were when we were 20 something, and with that, what I found important, and they found important were on opposite sides of the fence. Neither, either are "wrong",,,,, just different. I knew it before I met up with them, I just don't think they did until the weekend progressed, and they commented on it. I didn't say a word.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 37
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/15/2017 9:55:40 AM
Walt wrote:


This is exactly what happened this past weekend. The old friends and I are not the same as we were when we were 20 something, and with that, what I found important, and they found important were on opposite sides of the fence. Neither, either are "wrong",,,,, just different. I knew it before I met up with them, I just don't think they did until the weekend progressed, and they commented on it. I didn't say a word.


Most of the time, time, distance, lifestyle, and/or many other things mean old friends drift apart. I think it's normal. As for me, I've kept in touch with many old friends from HS, but it ain't the same, to be sure. Most stayed in the same town, I moved around out of state, most had kids, I didn't, etc. etc. etc.

If you're intimating political differences, Walt, sure, I experience the same thing. I'm on the other side of almost all my old friends. But we can discuss civilly, especially over a few cold ones. We always have good times when we get together, but after an evening or a weekend together, "old times" convos lose steam, the differences start to manifest and we're usually ready to part ways til the next time.

Met up with one of my old best friends from HS and his 30+ year wife, both from my HS (I knew both) with myself and SO (1st time she met them)....on vacation in FL.....awhile back.....After a great dinner and a bunch of "old times" laughter and many drinks, his wifey started talking about how she always wanted ME in HS......Awwwwkkkkkkwarddddd!!!!!!!!! After I crowbarred my jaw off the table, I (and her hubby) changed the subject. I was wondering if they were trial ballooning for a swap...It was never mentioned again, but now when we get together, the ol' wifey is never around. He doesn't have to worry though....... back in HS, while I knew her, I never cast a 2nd look at her, much less fooled around with her. There were much better options than her. And it can probably be safely said, if I wasn't interested when she was 19, it can likely be extrapolated that I'm not interested when she's 59, lol, so he does not have naything to worry about.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 38
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/20/2017 12:09:10 PM

Can anybody relate , either in the past or now, to being at a stage in your life where all your friends are in couples and as a result you feel like a leper ?

Leper? Damn near killed her! Hardly even know her....! :)

I am in this circumstance right now. I used to have one other friend who was also single in the past so at least I wasn't the only single loser in a social situation. But, ever since he met someone last year....wow....arctic circle !

No matter what your age -- from 15 to 95 -- if your friends are all coupled up, and you frequently hang out with them coupled-up... yeah, it gets weird. But to occasionally do that? Heck no -- not unless you think it's some "prize" to have an [insert here] GF/Wife. That's even more weird to think that. Basically, you don't have your schtick be hanging out at couples' houses or group dates all the time as your free time. :)

"hey, you're my friend while I'm single but now that I met someone you are obsolete = SEE YA "

Yeah, but their first inclination isn't going to hang out with her single friend or his single friend when it comes to a night out. Nor should you look "forward" to that, as I rambled on above. That Said, he should hang out with you once in a while. Sounds like he just got into "tied down" mode. I have a friend who when he has a GF, he's "tied down". My other friend lives across the street from him. He's married, but even if he were single, it wouldn't be no thang. Basically, sometimes guys go into "tied down" mode -- so it's not that you're single, it's that he's either going to go out with Her or not go very far from home. Another friend when he has a GF, a Fri or Sat he'll just go out with her, and maybe meet up with me and single folk for a nightcap before headed home or something... but he'll always have a night / day out without her. That's one who Isn't in tied-down mode.

But naturally, yeah, you're going to see at least Less of the friend VS them being single. Although, if a friend is in dating-spree-mode, they'll be just as less available, as they'll be having dates here and there with gals that would otherwise be openings to hang out with a buddy.

Two of the couples that will be at the get together this Saturday are category number 8 because they're in the Honeymoon phase. UGH !

Rub it in why don't they ?

I think it affects you a lot because it's a Concept you Want, in and of itself. YOU feel internally like you're Missing Out. What you feel should ONLY be normal -- if your guy friends are sitting there with Models, and you're empty handed (or with a girl, but a "maybe-doable-Sally"). I think how you feel isn't Them looking poorly on you (although among some there can be a little negative vibe from them if they think you've been single "too long") -- but you upon you, because you want something that you don't have. This is a driving force that gets people in bad relationships to "fit in".

You should enjoy being single. If only you knew the Power of the dark side. :)
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 39
Odd man out
Posted: 9/20/2017 12:44:03 PM
Btw, I did end up going to the get together Sep 9 and it was actually a decent time .

Things that helped :

-the new , lovey dovey couple didn't show up
-one of the couples brought a single friend who acted all flirty with me
-one of the coupled guys came solo

The downer was when I came back from the bathroom and found out the flirty one had left - her new BF came and took her away.

I had no idea she even HAD a BF up to that point.


I love it when a woman flirts with me and then calls her BF to come and get her !

 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 40
Odd man out
Posted: 9/20/2017 4:20:51 PM
Hey BCC, Nice to know, ^ ^ ^ ^ good for you!


Sometimes when we least expect it we meet people we had no idea.............?


? Think of the possibilities!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 41
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/21/2017 1:02:02 AM

I love it when a woman flirts with me and then calls her BF to come and get her !

The BF I'm sure loves it when he gets a text saying "Honey, come get me, before I give this cute guy a handjob under the table. I think I had too much to drink." :)
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 42
Odd man out
Posted: 9/21/2017 10:16:45 AM
^^^^^

He loves it even more when she grabs the back of his head to kiss him hello and he asks why her hand is all wet and gooey
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 43
Odd man out
Posted: 9/21/2017 12:01:20 PM
^^^^

Did I give the impression that I stare out the window thinking about it 24/7 ?



 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 44
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/21/2017 2:41:46 PM

He loves it even more when she grabs the back of his head to kiss him hello and he asks why her hand is all wet and gooey

Him: "What's that melted white BUTTER all over your hands?"

Her: "I was cooking chicken."
 UnKnownNYMale
Joined: 6/24/2014
Msg: 45
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/22/2017 2:08:20 PM

do yourself a favor and stop looking at facebook. All the couples, anniversaries, pda, traveling, bragging....will make you feel bad, isolate yourself from that crap, and get on with your life.


...not only that, the sheer amount of really stupid, indoctrinated, gullible, illogical, idiots is astounding. The sheer amount of misinformation, lies, and stupidity being spread around without care for it's accuracy is sickening.

Facebook is good part of what is wrong with "society" today.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 46
Odd man out
Posted: 9/23/2017 9:23:14 AM
"Facebook is good part of what is wrong with "society" today."

Add to that, the device people use to get to Facebook-the smart phone. How many people would want to work at a job where they are on call 24/7, 365 days a year? Not many, but many are willing to be on call every second of their life with a smartphone. People need to stop staring at their phone all of the time and get a life in the real world. The addiction to a smartphone is as bad as addiction to cigarettes or drugs.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 47
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Odd man out
Posted: 9/23/2017 2:49:03 PM
Agreed^^^ people look at me c9ck eyed when I tell them I don't want one and show them my primitive pay as you go phone. I bought for 20.00 in 2006. It still works. All I need to use it for is texting and calling. I don't have to carry a camera, a television and a GPS around with me. More than often I leave it at home when I go out...People ask why? and I say...Because I don't want people to know where I am or to call me.
Personally I liked it when I had a phone that was tethered to the wall with a dial on it. At least I always knew where my phone was.

I don't want a phone that is smarter than me. I like stupid phones.
 samebigpond
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 48
Odd man out
Posted: 2/19/2018 3:00:12 PM
Being single is not a disease or make someone a 'loser'. There are many bright sides to being available. No one to nag you, yell at you, etc. Remind yourself of all the couples about to go through a divorce, couples with little substance to their relationship. Single people are truly "born that way"!
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 49
Odd man out
Posted: 2/21/2018 6:20:47 AM

No one to nag you, yell at you,

That shouldn't go on 24/7 in any relationship BUT

any relationship, romantic or otherwise

requires some emotional "heavy lifting"!
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 50
Odd man out
Posted: 2/21/2018 8:54:50 AM
There are worse things than being single. I was with someone for many years who did not get along with my friends' spouses so I was always left out of stuff, the longer I was with him, the less friends I had. My friends would sometimes apologize to me, telling me it wasn't me but him and I understood that because he was a didn't mesh well with any of them.

My spouse would often make friends and then suggest us doing something as a couple with his friend and wife and we'd do that but what kept happening is if I got on well with the wife, she would end up disliking my spouse and not want to do couple gettogethers. There were two couples that we were friends with for years though but I secretly didnt like either wife but they got along with my spouse. The problem was that I was a smalltown girl, well-educated and he was a big city boy who was a high school dropout from a bad neighbourhood (yes, I know, I was stupid to get together with him but call my initial attraction to him a bad boy phase). I was never able to go out on my own and try and make friends because he would give me a really hard time about it and sometimes acuse me of trying to cheat on him and stuff so I spent a lot of years friendless.

At least when you are single you can go meet more single friends. When you are stuck with a ball and chain it is a lot harder.
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