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 AUTHOR
 pickapartner
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 26
jokesPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up you’re a**"
8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
 pickapartner
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 27
jokes
Posted: 4/11/2018 3:31:55 AM
questions, questions...

when it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

a termite walks into a bar and says, 'Where is the bar tender?'

how many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? is it one or two?

what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
 pickapartner
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 28
jokes
Posted: 4/14/2018 2:53:49 PM
(origin - comedy central)

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig.

The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds.

The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on.

The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig.

The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.

"Mom's weighing the mailman."
 pickapartner
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 29
jokes
Posted: 4/24/2018 2:39:26 PM
(more from comedy central, some rephrased)

huge theft at the viagra factory, police are looking for some hardened criminals

an 80-year-old man tells his wife, 'i'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new viagra pills'
his wife gets her coat on and says, 'i'm going to the doctor, too. if you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, i'm getting a tetanus shot'

scientific name for viagra - Mycoxafailin
 pickapartner
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 30
jokes
Posted: 5/2/2018 2:43:41 AM
my brother had a vasectomy a few years ago

yeah, apparently some times it doesn't work and makes the baby black

---

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig.

The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds.

The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on.

The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig.

The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.

"Mom's weighing the mailman."
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 31
jokes
Posted: 10/5/2018 1:55:51 AM
a russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

he looked out the window and announced 'it's raining'

his wife said ' no dear, it's sleeting'

he replied 'rudolf the red knows rain, dear'
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 32
jokes
Posted: 10/5/2018 2:01:29 AM
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this" said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

Thats when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 33
jokes
Posted: 10/9/2018 2:21:58 AM
bought a thesaurus today.

when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank

i have no words to describe how pissed i am...
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 34
jokes
Posted: 10/9/2018 2:24:47 AM
italians are installing a clock in the leaning tower of pisa. after all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 35
jokes
Posted: 10/9/2018 2:26:24 AM
Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 36
jokes
Posted: 10/16/2018 1:47:05 PM
gave all my dead batteries away today... free of charge

---

weighed myself today, clearly I am too small for my weight

---

don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow creates a new hairdo for me every morning

---

i know someone on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. it's enough to make a mango crazy
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 37
jokes
Posted: 10/21/2018 3:32:38 AM
little boy was lost at a large shopping centre. he approached a uniformed policeman and said 'i've lost my dad!'

the policeman asked 'what's he like?'

the little boy replied 'beer and women with big boobs'
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 38
jokes
Posted: 10/31/2018 2:48:31 PM
pulled my groin today

for about 20 minutes
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 39
jokes
Posted: 12/13/2018 1:33:57 AM
the hypothalamus plays a major role in the regulation of basic biological
drives related to survival, including the so called 'four-F's' : fighting,
fleeing, feeding and mating.
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 40
jokes
Posted: 12/13/2018 1:49:27 AM
her - i dont want to marry you, i just want an orgasm!
him - just one? thats very low expectations dear...

---

him - would love to take you out for coffee this week
her - you spelled wine wrong
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 41
jokes
Posted: 12/14/2018 1:56:10 AM
'it's a boy!' i shouted with tears rolling down my face

'i don't believe it. a boy!'


it's at that moment i decided i'd never visit thailand again.............
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 42
jokes
Posted: 12/15/2018 10:57:23 AM
my girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height
so tonight i’m going to make it up to her
i’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show
when she gets in from work i’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs

then afterwards i’m going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 43
jokes
Posted: 12/20/2018 11:27:14 AM
apparently, they're not making shortbread any longer....

---

got really emotional at the petrol station this morning. don't know why, i just started filling up!

---

when i was a kid my parents used to make me walk the plank. we couldn't afford a dog
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 44
jokes
Posted: 12/20/2018 12:22:08 PM
'tell me what you want' i whispered as i slid my finger up and down her g-string

'i want my guitar back' she said...

---

breaking news : storm damage in NSW

ices claiming responsibility

---

the drug test came back negative

my dealer has some explaining to do...
 pickapartner
Joined: 9/29/2018
Msg: 45
jokes
Posted: 12/21/2018 5:50:04 PM
rowan atkinson is in a new movie about a husband that can't please his wife during sex

its called 'missedher bean'
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