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 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 51
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
No, I have never dated a hoarder, nor would I ever.

I'm a very outgoing and social person. But hoarding tends to cut one off from others -- can't entertain when you're embarrassed to show someone your house. I've worked too hard for what I have and the friends I keep in this life to have it taken away by someone else's behavior issues.

This may sound a little cold on it's face BUT:

When I meet someone I could be interested in, after a date or two, I will need to see their home as soon as possible. If there's something about it I couldn't accept, OR it becomes obvious they are actually married, I'm gone.

I also like to look at old photos of them. If their weight is on a constant MAJOR up and down, I'm gone. Because I suspect that they diet till they meet someone and have them hooked -- then it's back to their "normal" lifestyle. Sounds crazy -- but this happens all the time to people.

Also want to know if they have ever "quit" smoking. They can start back any time. My Dad died a horrible cancer death due to his smoking. Just can't go through that again.

Maybe sounds selfish, BUT -- better to sidestep certain attachments now, than to have to hurt someone later. Better not to waste their time -- or mine.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 52
Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/23/2018 9:45:24 PM
^^^"I also like to look at old photos of them. If their weight is on a constant MAJOR up and down, I'm gone. Because I suspect that they diet till they meet someone and have them hooked -- then it's back to their "normal" lifestyle."

How do you go about asking someone you just met for old photos, to see if there's a big difference in weight? If I went on a date and I was asked to provide old old photos of myself, that would set off the creep/weirdo meter, and that would be the end of the date.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 53
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/25/2018 11:44:06 PM

When I meet someone I could be interested in, after a date or two, I will need to see their home as soon as possible

That's the spirit! A guy likes a gal who wants to come over Soon. "Let's cut to the chase, babe...," ;)

If there's something about it I couldn't accept, OR it becomes obvious they are actually married, I'm gone.

Hmmm. If you said "If there's something about it that was crazy," instead -- I wouldn't raise an eyebrow. I would say more often than not, their place isn't going to be a pig-sty or reveal something "out there" by them. So just to rule those exceptions out, understandable. But if you're seeing it as more often than not there's going to be something you don't like about it that'll turn you off to ever date again -- then I think you may be being too picky?

I also like to look at old photos of them. If their weight is on a constant MAJOR up and down, I'm gone.

Coming over after the 1st date and wanting to go thru his photo-albums in the basement is, well, kinda weird. Also, old photos of them. Meaning they're, what, over 5 years old at Least? I'd be more concerned with how they looked in the last 5 years. I think thru convo, blessings someone who lost a lot of weight, and any time they do gain too much, they get back into shape given enough time -- would set the stage for he himself to "admit" he's done the same thing, with some pride. THEN you can ask about it, to find out.

Sounds crazy -- but this happens all the time to people.

If you found them on the Rebound, and they're merely OK looking in their body, I guess a mild concern (Hmm, are they on a rebound fast, but actually normally fat?). If a frequent Facebook user, their photos could resolve this. But ballooning up, and slimming way down every time? To that extent, I don't think that happens all the time.

Also want to know if they have ever "quit" smoking. They can start back any time.

I can understand avoiding that some, but, if it means anything... since there's much much fewer people smoking nowadays, and Nicorette and the like available, if they quit a long while ago -- there's not some big risk of them starting up again. Them bumming one in times of stress or celebratory situations, I guess (but that alone isn't going to affect their health; camp fires have way bigger impact). But if they're Single and quit a long time ago? I would say the chances are only decent they could start up again over time, is if the lady they dated smoked.

Maybe sounds selfish, BUT -- better to sidestep certain attachments now, than to have to hurt someone later.

Well, the question is -- am I being Too cautious? Throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Hey, if a gal can get Lotsa guys -- there's no harm in that. But if it's tough to find a good catch, then that should be a strong concern not to.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 54
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/26/2018 11:22:00 AM

How do you go about asking someone you just met for old photos, to see if there's a big difference in weight? If I went on a date and I was asked to provide old old photos of myself, that would set off the creep/weirdo meter, and that would be the end of the date.


to those who asked if I would ask to see a person's old photo albums on the FIRST DATE, the answer is NO, I would not. It is possible, to find out about weight fluctuations pretty early in a relationship.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 55
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/26/2018 11:24:37 AM

L_LuuLuu
When I meet someone I could be interested in, after a date or two, I will need to see their home as soon as possible. If there's something about it I couldn't accept, OR it becomes obvious they are actually married, I'm gone.


norwegianguy456
That's the spirit! A guy likes a gal who wants to come over Soon. "Let's cut to the chase, babe...," ;)

I actually had this experience, quite a while back (6 or 7 years?). I was on an initial meeting / first date, and the woman kept asking if I were single. I finally asked her what it would take to convince her, and she said, “I want to check out your house.”

Bingo! I’m thinking the same way expressed by NG456 (above), and we pile in my car and drive off to my house. She goes through every closet and every bathroom, finds no female apparel or hygiene products, and walks right back out the front door. Words cannot express my disappointment.

Further conversation revealed that the last guy she had dated was married, and she dated him for nearly a year before she found out. Which made me have grave doubts about her perceptiveness, her degree of being in touch with her surroundings and basic reality.


L_LuuLuu
I also like to look at old photos of them. If their weight is on a constant MAJOR up and down, I'm gone. Because I suspect that they diet till they meet someone and have them hooked -- then it's back to their "normal" lifestyle. Sounds crazy -- but this happens all the time to people.

A legitimate question, if that issue is of paramount importance to you.

L_LuuLuu
Also want to know if they have ever "quit" smoking. They can start back any time. My Dad died a horrible cancer death due to his smoking. Just can't go through that again.

Now here I will take exception, strong exception. I smoked for 25 years, finally quit in 1997, hardest thing I ever did. I tried and tried for years to quit, with no success. Once I finally got over that hill, there is no way in hell I would ever go back. God, no! I think the odds of someone who has never smoked taking up the habit is better than the chances of me going back there.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 56
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/26/2018 11:29:15 AM

How do you go about asking someone you just met for old photos, to see if there's a big difference in weight? If I went on a date and I was asked to provide old old photos of myself, that would set off the creep/weirdo meter, and that would be the end of the date.


To those who asked if I would ask to see a person's old photo albums on the FIRST DATE, the answer is NO, I would not. It is possible, to find out about weight fluctuations pretty early in a relationship. That is before we get to the serious stage.

To those who do not find it useful to find out as much as possible to about a person's deal breakers before getting too attached because "Lover will conquer all", I say "good luck with that."

To Norwegian guy --

I think it's possible to see a person's home without spending the night with them. I also think it's possible to learn all I need to know by simply asking to see their home and then getting a refusal. None of this should take place on the first date, however


To O'Henry --

Congrats on quitting smoking. I agree that many people are successful at quitting for good. And yes, there IS a question of how long ago they quit.

Sorry that you felt the lady you dated was too gullible for your tastes. I agree that it might have been over the top for her to go through your closets. But I still think there are tactful and less obvious ways to find out about deal breakers fairly early in a relationship.


 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 57
Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/26/2018 11:50:08 AM
"how do you go about asking someone you just met for old photos?"

>>>Shoot, the last woman I had full-on sex with, many many moons ago, flat out asked that when I picked her up at the airport (ie, first time we met), to bring my baby photos. Before that, that lass asked to play, "what's in your wallet?" and we swapped wallets to let the other flip thru. When their breasts are big enough...any question is possible :)

"it is possible to find out about weight fluctuations early in a relationship"

>>>I think she meant by listening to stories told. But she reminded me of a 20-something lass working the local drug store here in my locale. She dropped a ton of pounds so quick, even her young skin over a tall big-boned frame hadn't the elasticity to shrink to fit perfectly. it was like, under her T-shirt, she was wearing an over-sized shirt. Her curves just jiggled all wrong.

chances are, 80% of the people who saw her wouldn't even notice such little details. Maybe 10% would think something was up, but not put a finger on what it was.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 58
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/26/2018 12:06:09 PM

how do you go about asking someone you just met for old photos?"


You DON'T ask someone you just met for old photos.

What I said was:


I also like to look at old photos of them.


It's sometimes a person's own idea to show them to you after a few dates. Or to friend you on Facebook, etc. Some of the profiles on POF even show some members are yo-you dieters. With pretty big weight fluctuations over a period of a couple of years in a few profile pics.

I had hoped folks would just get the hint I am trying to convey -- keep your eyes and ears open for YOUR own red flags. You don't have to be that obvious about things.

BTW: ONE weight gain or loss is not necessarily a red flag for me. It's more like several of them.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 59
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/26/2018 1:51:47 PM

She goes through every closet and every bathroom, finds no female apparel or hygiene products, and walks right back out the front door. Words cannot express my disappointment.

Yeah, F-that - lol. Turning a date into a game-show where I'm in line behind 20 dudes to just land a date with her as the world (TV show) revolves around her as the bachelorette -- cray-cray! :)

I agree that it might have been over the top for her to go through your closets.

Might? Oh, it's more than a "might". The "I'm just looking out for myself," argument doesn't work. The lady who looks out for her best interests in this case, isn't putting everything into perspective. She's letting her emotion from bad past experiences cost her opportunities, feeding off a false sense of probability.

I think it's possible to see a person's home without spending the night with them.

I know, I wasn't implying that sex was on the docket -- although if She brought it up on a 1st date, more-than-making-out would clearly be a possible option in the guy's mind.

I also think it's possible to learn all I need to know by simply asking to see their home and then getting a refusal.

I disagree. I think from your POV, due to your past unfortunate experiences, you think you're in proper position to be owed something that one shouldn't be, by default. He's not a guy who has a bad reputation or you had a date with years ago who had red flags, but are giving him a 2nd chance. Then I'd totally understand it as being "kosher".

If a Guy got burned by some past dating experiences, does that make it OK for him to assume you've got something wrong with you, if you refuse to have him come over to your place, at the end of a 1st/2nd date -- even thrown out there politely? He bolts if she says "No... now's not a good time," -- he's learned all that he needs to know about her, and says "Next!"? :)

None of this should take place on the first date, however

I agree. Basically, my POV (and what I think most folks' POV) -- is that if it's "too soon" for a night-cap at your place, it's "too soon" to check out his place.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 60
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/27/2018 10:13:41 AM

I also think it's possible to learn all I need to know by simply asking to see their home and then getting a refusal.



I disagree. I think from your POV, due to your past unfortunate experiences, you think you're in proper position to be owed something that one shouldn't be, by default. He's not a guy who has a bad reputation or you had a date with years ago who had red flags, but are giving him a 2nd chance. Then I'd totally understand it as being "kosher".


No past unfortunate past experiences, here. But that's because I am careful about the choices I make. And capable of learning from the mistakes of others. So for me, such a refusal would NOT be about "what am I getting over?" but "What does this person have to hide?" That is the REAL question here.

If the refusal is a one-time now is a bad time, that's one thing. But a grown man who can NEVER have me over, is not worth my time no matter what he is hiding. Because he IS hiding something.

However, you are quite within your rights to "rush in where angels fear to tread" if that's your choice. You can't get back wasted time, but you can get over headaches and heart aches. So go right ahead.




If a Guy got burned by some past dating experiences, does that make it OK for him to assume you've got something wrong with you, if you refuse to have him come over to your place, at the end of a 1st/2nd date -- even thrown out there politely? He bolts if she says "No... now's not a good time," -- he's learned all that he needs to know about her, and says "Next!"? :)


I certainly agree with you that first or second date is rather early on. But I can understand the reasons for the several misunderstandings on your part. What is "fairly early on in a relationship" means in a real relationship to me. To some POF types, "meet-ups" are the entire relationship.


I agree. Basically, my POV (and what I think most folks' POV) -- is that if it's "too soon" for a night-cap at your place, it's "too soon" to check out his place.


I keep my house clean and neat. I am not a hoarder and not married. So no problem with that. But the grown man who can never let me come by because he "lives with his mother, and she doesn't approve of him dating" won't get to taste the nightcap at my place.

And -- I have to ask -- are you saying that for YOU the woman must Always invite you over first? Because that would kind of be the same thing you are complaining about.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 61
Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/27/2018 1:26:37 PM
When going to a hoarder's house, I wonder how often they offer guests hoard d'oeuvres.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 62
Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/27/2018 1:36:54 PM

When going to a hoarder's house, I wonder how often they offer guests hoard d'oeuvres.


Better check the expiration date on those crackers and kippers!

;-)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 63
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/27/2018 2:23:27 PM

No past unfortunate past experiences, here. But that's because I am careful about the choices I make.

No... I was talking about if you were giving a guy a 2nd chance, you would want to hastily "check out his place" spontaneously to see if he measures up. My point was That would be understandable. But treating people you don't have that with isn't merely being careful -- it's at some level paranoia. It'll cost you if the guy's a good catch.

So for me, such a refusal would NOT be about "what am I getting over?" but "What does this person have to hide?"

If you have that POV, you do have some issues. I'm not trying to insult -- I'm just saying, wanting to search their place to find out, with No past experiences with guys hiding anything -- yikes. When a guy says "no" when you want to go to his place, not for a nightcap, but to see what he's hiding -- even if presented cordially -- he's not the one with an issue. The other way around. Just saying. :) I have a hard time believing you haven't dealt with guys who were hiding things.

What is "fairly early on in a relationship" means in a real relationship to me. To some POF types, "meet-ups" are the entire relationship.

The latter part is Nuts. Just because someone believes they're married to someone they never met before online, doesn't make it one iota true. Even if it's one's aunt, cousin, and bff who believe it. Still doesn't give it Any value of truth. We're biased that way, though, by what some people we respect, do.

That aside... A date or two isn't a "fairly early" Relationship. It's not a Relationship. You're not an item. At all. You're not even seeing each other. You're seeing if you can be seeing each other. It's just a date or two. How you feel doesn't make it true. Sure, none of us want to waste our time -- and if Any of us were given a mini-screen to see everything in one's home and what they do... a highlight film of it all, shoot, we all couldn't resist but to watch.

But there's a reason that Most people don't have to do a warantless search at a mere date's place to avoid drama. Wanting to do that kind of thing, even cordially, potentially creates it. Not realizing how this reasonably Can create drama (and blaming it on the other) would be really unfortunate.

Bottom line: You're not doing yourself or any potential with someone else a service, if you're wanting to go to their place to search around, instead of a nightcap. It's as simple as that.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 64
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Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/27/2018 5:27:15 PM

Better check the expiration date on those crackers and kippers!


At least the wine would be carefully aged! Or just aged.

LL
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 65
Have you ever dated a hoarder?
Posted: 2/28/2018 6:56:45 AM
"I wonder how often they offer guests hoard d'oeuvres."

>>>so wish I had thought of this.

"at least the wine would be carefully aged"

>>compared to some of the whiners here :)

"A date or two isn't a "fairly early" Relationship. "

>>>i'll go a step further in this. if you risked catching an STD on one of those dates...you had a form of connection, or a form of a relationship. only b/c the definition is, "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected" Like two cars in an accident, had a quick relationship. but i'm sure we like to think of a human relationship as having feelings, not bumpin' uglies.
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