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 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 226
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 10 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
I think something more is up. That was pretty harsh of him to turn around and go to the zoo, and post it! I would simply ask him, what's up with that?

It's possible his brother could be happy. They way you see it, his wife totally controls him, and that he's mindless. What's henpecked, asking your husband to do something? Who is she supposed to ask? I didn't ask my ex to do anything, and you know what he did? Nothing. That's why women ask.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 227
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/8/2018 4:18:59 AM

A few months back, the three of them were supposed to go to the zoo with my mom. Long story short, they cancelled and my mom saw the pictures of the happy family at the zoo on the same day(facebook)

My post 223 was so short be cause I was so pissed off after reading this. You think it was harsh? Seriously? It was incredibly cruel and disrespectful since there was no reason for them to cancel plans with his mother when they had every intention of going.


What's henpecked,

That is the theory I'm going with based on what Aqua has said and my ex brother-in-law experienced. There is an alternative theory and only one. Do you know what it is because I'm not going to mention it. End of discussion until Aqua comes back. After all we are talking about his family.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 228
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/10/2018 10:57:56 AM
[Some people's lives are easier than others, but no one is problem free]

I know this, but if you ask me nobody's life is harder then mine. I realize that's not true, but I can't help to feel angry. Most people my age are established, maybe married with kids, etc. Look at my brother; I have five years on him, and look what he has already. With the possible change in carer, from one that really never got started, that would set me back another two years. When I said I could potentially start in 2019, I meant the fall of 2019. There are other schools I am looking into, but I feel pretty much stuck, I'll eventually end up lifting packages for a living, and at that point I don't know if I will want to bother with life anymore. On the other hand, there are a few colleges in the general vicinity on where I live looking for adjunct psych professors. Believe it or not, I am actually qualified for these. I have taught psych at the college-level before, so you never know. Teaching psych would definetley be something I would thrive at. Since it is adjunct faculty, I would be part-time. So, it would be possible for me to teach psych, and go to school. I didn't get to start nursing school, due to a long waiting list, and life throwing another one of those roadblocks I am used to seeing at me. I wanted to work in the OR, with my neurosurgeon. He's retired now, and although I am in good shape, I have a few health concerns that I need to worry about. Those may become an issue if I was to ever start working as a nurse. Physical therapy assistant is more cut and dry. I was looking into doctor of physical therapy, but the job description isn't really what I want. The assistant really does the work; which is what I want. Part of the reason I am so interested in it is because I am such a gym-rat. I know the body, muscles/tendons/ligaments, what exercises work for what, etc. I made a massive mistake with social work, and I blame a lot of that on my father. I was so focused on getting the hell out of here/away from him, I never stopped to look/evaluate things. I'm just hung up on the age thing. Although I am told I don't look anything near my age(5-10 younger apparently), I still can't get past it. So, I either start over and delay things longer, or keep on the path I am on now, hope something works out, and possibly be miserable for the rest of my days.

Bailey had a stomach made of steal. He could eat whatever he wanted. He obviously didn't but, he had his favorites. Chicken(grilled), steak(only the lean meat, tacos, etc. I never gave him seafood, or anything gross that I wouldn't eat. It was always nice to have a dinner companion. Daisy seems to be just the same. Bailey never cared about bags opening, yet Daisy will drop what she is doing and come running. She does eat healthy snacked: carrots, green-beans, etc. As I said, Bailey had his favorites. He's bite your nose off for tacos, but I never gave him McDonalds or anything. I haven't eaten there in 15 years due to the poor food quality, and I would never give him that crap. I am faulting myself for continuing to feed him when I knew the tumor was in him. Increased nutrients=growth. So, I think I am partly responsible for his passing. Although my mom thinks that giving him what he wanted made his life more enjoyable, and even kept him around a little longer.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 229
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/10/2018 11:25:56 AM
[That wasn't the point but let's go with it. If he likes being dominated by her sure he may be happy. If he doesn't who would he talk to about it? Do you think he would want to share the fact he's henpecked with anyone if this is the case?]

I guess he does enjoy it, because he never says anything to me. In reality, he never would talk to me about it. I'm even inclined to think that his wife's brother has replaced his own, if you know what I mean? He sees that side of the family almost, if not every weekend; maybe even every day. In my opinion , they are wayyyyy too involved. How much he likes that isn't for me to say. I do think the "yes man" thing is a good explanation. I told you about those "vouchers" for golf I got for my birthday last year. I'm still waiting to redeem one of those, but I know hes gone golfing with his in-laws plenty of times. It bugs me for sure, but I have to accept it. I don't know if the way he is with his/her family benefits him, but I know it benefits her. She's made it quite obvious when at holiday gatherings for my family that she didn't want to be there. Not cool, but I don't know if my brother even said anything.

[No one is forcing him to diss your family, even if his wife is influencing him, which you don't know for sure."
From what Aqua has described there haven't been any bad feelings expressed between him, his Mom and brother so the situation is more than likely being influenced by someone else]

I do agree with the first sentence. No one is forcing him to behave the way he is, although I am sure his wife is influencing him. He always finds some excuse to get out of doing anything with his own family. My uncle had a holiday part recently, which they didn't come to. I feel that they could have at least made an appearance, especially brought their new baby to meet her cousins, etc. There is nothing stopping my brother from bringing his older daughter to visit my mom, at our house. Yet, he always finds some reason to not. My goofball dad isn't even around, so he can't use that as an excuse. Even considering that thing about the zoo, which I felt was intentional. It does upset my mom a lot. I told her many times to say something to him, but whether or not she did is anyone's guess. I would think she probably didn't, to avoid pissing him off. I say that because they had their first child's ears pierced shortly after she way born. I thought that was extremely inappropriate, and quite stupid. I'm not even sure he was ok with it, but I think it's a family tradition(a dumb one). Anyone, my mom saw a picture on facebook, and she asked my brother about it. She was really upset; psychologically(only I would understand), putting a newborn under that much stress/exposing her to that kind of situation can be very problematic. Anyway, my mom said something to him and he kind of jumped down her throat. He gave her the whole "politically correct" response: "you're not addressing it right", "why are we talking about this, she's not your....". When I heard this I was ready to kill someone. I dout very much he would EVER talk to his wife's mom like that. In another instance, I happened to ask him whether or not he likes the fact that his wife posts absolutely everything on facebook. Why not keep a little bit of family stuff private. He then twisted it into me shaming his wife for being proud of her family and posting the crap. Do you really thing it's necessary to post pictures of your baby taking her first bath in the kitchen sink? Seriously? That took a day for me to work out, when he knew damn well that isn't what I meant. Anytime we talk to each other, outside of family stuff, I always have to initiate contact. Even with the golf thing: "you gotta say something to me", putting the responsibility on me. Maybe I am making him out to be worse then he is, but I just feel he could do more to include my mom. I wanted to hold their baby during that whole party a few weeks ago. Her family was passing her around like a joint. I can't say nothing, because I don't want to piss anyone off. In reality, I need to live my own life. I've even flirted with the idea of moving to Miami one day. Typical me says I could never do it, but a friend asked me why I couldn't, there's nothing holding you back.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 230
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/10/2018 12:39:01 PM

There is an alternative theory and only one. Do you know what it is because I'm not going to mention it.

Now I'll mention that theory. There is no doubt in my mind his wife influencing things to great degree and it affects your brother. However your brother may be susceptible to it without any one knowing why. Look st the way your life was influenced/affected by your father. Same for your brother. How it did is unknown. Unfortunately you and your mom have to deal with that unknown.

Miami? Well there is nothing holding you back and why can't you go to school there. Maybe a move like that would do you good.

You do realise you were Bailey's whole life and even when he was sick he still showed you he cared. You've never ever said he did anything bad , well being racist isn't exactly good. LOL However you seem to second guess yourself a lot when it comes to his illness and what you could have done. There was nothing to be done and write till the end he showed you he loved you.


I know this, but if you ask me nobody's life is harder then mine. I realize that's not true, but I can't help to feel angry.

You have lived a hard life right from the start wouldn't you say and as a child it's effect on you was extremely intense. Wouldn't those feelings be just as intense now because they became ingrained in your personailty? You have the potential and the skills to find your way through the rest of your life. Look to the future and try not to let your past affect your thinking when it comes finding your new path in life.


I'll eventually end up lifting packages for a living, and at that point I don't know if I will want to bother with life anymore.

I know that's a passing thought but you've had those thoughts before. It's not something you should be entertaining even in this manner.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 231
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/10/2018 12:39:47 PM

There is an alternative theory and only one. Do you know what it is because I'm not going to mention it.

Now I'll mention that theory. There is no doubt in my mind his wife influencing things to great degree and it affects your brother. However your brother may be susceptible to it without any one knowing why. Look st the way your life was influenced/affected by your father. Same for your brother. How it did is unknown. Unfortunately you and your mom have to deal with that unknown.

Miami? Well there is nothing holding you back and why can't you go to school there. Maybe a move like that would do you good.

You do realise you were Bailey's whole life and even when he was sick he still showed you he cared. You've never ever said he did anything bad , well being racist isn't exactly good. LOL However you seem to second guess yourself a lot when it comes to his illness and what you could have done. There was nothing to be done and write till the end he showed you he loved you.


I know this, but if you ask me nobody's life is harder then mine. I realize that's not true, but I can't help to feel angry.

You have lived a hard life right from the start wouldn't you say and as a child it's effect on you was extremely intense. Wouldn't those feelings be just as intense now because they became ingrained in your personailty? You have the potential and the skills to find your way through the rest of your life. Look to the future and try not to let your past affect your thinking when it comes finding your new path in life.


I'll eventually end up lifting packages for a living, and at that point I don't know if I will want to bother with life anymore.

I know that's a passing thought but you've had those thoughts before. It's not something you should be entertaining even in this manner.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 232
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/10/2018 5:54:37 PM
Your fate is in your hands.

You should take a job where you'll be happy, but you can't completely dismiss what the salary may be. Some professors make a decent income, some don't. When you say your brother is ahead of you, if you mean with a house and kids, those are 2 expensive things.

You can say in a non-confrontational way to your brother that you notice he doesn't spend time with your family. You may not like what he says, and then it may be best to not comment on his response, because it sounds like he can easily discard your side of the family, and sounds defensive already.

He could be spending more time with his wife's family because they have more family events or things going on where they all participate, but then it's still no excuse for not making time for you and your mother. There's nothing you can really do about that if he wants to be that way. I don't doubt that his wife could influencing him, but I have to think it's agreeable with him. I always encouraged my ex-h to have us visit his mom that lived several hours away, and have her come to visit us in WA state when we moved. To try to have a husband distance himself from his family or support him if he wants to is so hateful.

How old is your brother's older daughter? You could try to bond with her. I used to do a lot with my nephew when he was young. I took him to many baseball games, amusement parks, horseback riding, etc. As adults, we have a nice relationship. Your brother should have taken that opportunity to introduce his newborn at your uncle's event.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 233
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/10/2018 6:06:24 PM
I think it's normal to post newborn's "firsts", and she'll probably be doing more of it. The issue would be if the child had it's genitals showing. I hope her page is set to private anyway. Try telling your brother you'd like to come over and see the baby, and that you missed getting a chance to hold the baby. Try to insinuate yourself into his life. Don't let the wife squeeze you out, but like I said, a lot of this has to do with your brother, separate from his wife. In fact, she could be following his lead. What was your relationship like with your brother prior to him dating and marrying this woman?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 234
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/12/2018 12:40:53 AM

Most people my age are established, maybe married with kids, etc.

Being married with kids isn't an accomplishment. It can be an anti-accomplishment in some situations, nothing negative or positive in others, or with the right person, an accomplishment. Point being -- it's far Far better to be single & dating than settled down and knocking an [insert-lady-here] up.

That said, roughly-zero dating on any level for too long of a time isn't a good thing. If dating is too difficult with gals you could find reasonably attractive, then you need to work on looks and/or personality. Since you're not short, and are athletic, I'm assuming it's the latter, if your tastes aren't out of this world.

But a change in comfort-zone/persona would be required if dating comes difficult and you're already in your mid 30s. Almost the same as getting a solidly obese person and not only making them lose weight to average range & get in shape, but to keep that way as their lifestyle/comfort-zone indefinitely. "But this is who I AM," is what they'll say too. It all comes down to how bad you want to do it, and, like the comparable example, although rough & against-the-grain and the feeling of a lifestyle change -- it doesn't have to be close to perfect.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 235
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/12/2018 3:18:34 AM
NG, being married with kids may not be something you desire, but if it's done and done well, it's an accomplishment. Being in and creating a happy marriage takes effort and skill, along with raising kids, which are very hard work. If there's something a person wants to do, and they do it, it's an accomplishment for them.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 236
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/13/2018 7:40:35 PM
[Now I'll mention that theory. There is no doubt in my mind his wife influencing things to great degree and it affects your brother. However your brother may be susceptible to it without any one knowing why. Look st the way your life was influenced/affected by your father. Same for your brother. How it did is unknown. Unfortunately you and your mom have to deal with that unknown.]

I'll agree with this. He is definetley being influenced by her. My mom and I were actually talking about it last night. I asked him to help me with my golf swing/maybe go to the driving range. That was useless. Don't forget about those vouchers I told you about. I will agree that even though my brother didn't have to deal with my father the way/extent that I did, he was effected by him. Why he takes that out on my mom somewhat(based on how he is handling the whole family situation). Friday will be interesting. His wife asked my mom to tag along with her and my niece to this kiddie park my brother and I used to go to. It's supposed to be just her and my mom. However, my money is on the possibility that he mom and sister-in-law make a guest appearance. I can';t depend on my brother anymore, and I need to do my own thing.

[Miami? Well there is nothing holding you back and why can't you go to school there. Maybe a move like that would do you good.]

Well, the job/money thing is probably holding me back. I seem to think getting out of Cleveland, and going somewhere nobody knows me would be a good idea. A fresh start if you will. Who knows what could happen. This is especially the case for Miami, but would I move their just to watch my favorite team. Would it be better for me just to finally move into one of those condos? Move to Columbus? A move is always possible, and at this point it wouldn't be hurting me any.

[You do realise you were Bailey's whole life and even when he was sick he still showed you he cared. You've never ever said he did anything bad , well being racist isn't exactly good. LOL However you seem to second guess yourself a lot when it comes to his illness and what you could have done. There was nothing to be done and write till the end he showed you he loved you.]

Would you believe me if I told you I had to spend a night in the hospital because of Bailey. We were walking in the park many years ago. I would often let him chase the squirrels; I would either let the leash go/him run be himself, or hold onto it and run with him; it depended on what area of the park we were in. Anyway, I was holding the leash and we were running after a squirrel. The next thing I know I am laying face-up, bleeding in three places, my mom is with EMTs, and some lady that apparently called for help was talking to my mom. As i found out later, I was running with him towards two trees that were joined at the trunk, but that were open in the middle. I guess he jumped right through the opening, and I forgot to let go. Anyway, I needed an MRI, diagnosed with a concussion, and because I have had a bunch of surgeries upstairs, had to stay the night. He did plenty bad, but I never yelled at him. I would always look at him an calmly ask him "why did you do that". He would know he did wrong too. He would always drop his head, and hold his paw up. He was just so special.

[You have lived a hard life right from the start wouldn't you say and as a child it's effect on you was extremely intense. Wouldn't those feelings be just as intense now because they became ingrained in your personailty? You have the potential and the skills to find your way through the rest of your life. Look to the future and try not to let your past affect your thinking when it comes finding your new path in life.]

According to my psych degree, you are exactly right. It's the whole concept of people being born tabula rasa, or blank slate. I like to say a book with blank pages. The beginning of the book will dictate the end of the book. I've had discussions with my mom the last few days, about what she perceives to be my fear. I'd say she is probably right. I can't help to look at the past, and that has made me fearful of the future. I am afraid to make one decision or another, because my decisions to this point have been the wrong ones. So, I end up doing nothing. She also seems to think I have no fun in my life, with the exception of working out. I have friends, but for some reason I am always fearful of asking them to do stuff. I've been talking to one of the guys at the gym, and he wants to learn how to golf. I said i would teach him, but nothing beyond that. Even though I think I am making progress with my therapist, the first bit of bad news/something I think it bad kills everything. Occasionally she brings up the girlfriend/dating/future, and I am quick to shut it down. I always tell her to end it, or it's not going to happen so stop talking about it. That never goes well. She seems to think all of that crap is in the cards for me, and these posts have made it clear that I don't need the disappointment when it doesn't work out/I only want to get involved in something I have somewhat control over, when dating/relationships are dominated by women. For medical reasons, I was big as a teen. I'm in great shape now, and only getting better. Yet, I still consider myself to be that fat kid in some ways/at certain times. I just don't get it.

Will answer these other posts tomorrow.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 237
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/14/2018 11:59:50 AM
[ Your fate is in your hands. You should take a job where you'll be happy, but you can't completely dismiss what the salary may be. Some professors make a decent income, some don't. When you say your brother is ahead of you, if you mean with a house and kids, those are 2 expensive things.]

This is probably what I am afraid of. I'd afraid of making the wrong decision, because I have made enough of the wrong decisions already. Therefore, I make no decision. At this point, I am not even worried about the salary of one job or another. Getting an interview is the real problem. In four years, I have probably had that many interviews. The graduate school I came from is supposed to carry so much weight, and apparently that isn't always the case for everyone. There were things I wanted in my last year of grad school I was denied. I spoke with someone recently who asked why I have had such a hard time finding a job, and if you ask me(and she agrees), it had everything to do with my last internship. It didn't do me any favors. I heard "you're going to get fired" almost, if not daily, etc. I had good reasons to want out of there, but I was denied that opportunity. That's why if I ever do get things together, I will be looking for a lawyer to see if they did anything wrong. I wasted a lot of time and money, and being that I am having such a hard time finding a job when I am supposedly so smart, something is not right.

To be honest with you, the whole thing with my brother is really getting old. His wife's family is Italian, and most of them have large families. I couldn't tell you about the number of times I have asked to hang out, only to be told there was a cookout, or a 5th cousins birthday party. That's what I usually say when I find out they are busy: "5th cousin's birthday party".

As for her facebook, it's really annoying. I don't know if I said this, but I mentioned it to him whether or not he likes the fact that she puts their whole lives on facebook. He proceeded to chew me out, saying things like "it's none of your business", ranting to my mom, etc. All I was doing was asking if he liked that or not, nothing more then that. I was pissed because of all of it too, but that's just me. Beyond that, going over there/just hanging out with him is a pain.. So, I don't ask anymore. I like to say his wife's brother had replaced his own brother. Since that brother, his wife, and their daughter live with his wife's parents now, they see him/them all of the time. I just have to accept the fact that this is what will be the case for the future. Even with the older daughter, I think I only held her once, and that was the day after she was born. The rest of the time she was passed around like a joint, by her family of course. Whether or not I am involved with this new one is anyone's guess. I'm probably over-exagerating, because he and I were never really that close, now it's even worse.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 238
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/14/2018 12:29:48 PM
[That said, roughly-zero dating on any level for too long of a time isn't a good thing. If dating is too difficult with gals you could find reasonably attractive, then you need to work on looks and/or personality. Since you're not short, and are athletic, I'm assuming it's the latter, if your tastes aren't out of this world]

A new guy! Welcome to the party playa. I don't know about 5'9" being considered tall. That's one thing I have always thought worked against me. I think we all can agree that 6'0" is the standard. I think it has everything to do with the "the bigger guy will protect me better" thing I read a while back. If that really is true or not, I don't know. I do know that this 5'9" guy is a second-degree black belt, who can most likely have his way with a taller guy. As for personality, I think part of the problem was I was trying to be too perfect, when in reality it didn't matter to me one bit whether or not I was successful. I do think I put too much weight into what someone else thinks. My dog aught me to not give a **** what others think. I need to remember that. Personality-wise, those that know me well hold me in high regards because of that personality. Whenever I met these girls online, I would always get the "nice guy" speech if I inquired about getting together again. Then they drop the phrase "no chemistry". In one of my other posts I explain that this is a cop-out . More specifically, this is an indicator that they're "id" dominates their behavior. The "id" operates on the pleasure principle; I want what I want and I want it now. There's no time for discovery, I just want exactly what I want right now. I find that to be a good explanation. I've never heard of a guy giving this excuse, so I could be right.

[But a change in comfort-zone/persona would be required if dating comes difficult and you're already in your mid 30s. Almost the same as getting a solidly obese person and not only making them lose weight to average range & get in shape, but to keep that way as their lifestyle/comfort-zone indefinitely. "But this is who I AM," is what they'll say too. It all comes down to how bad you want to do it, and, like the comparable example, although rough & against-the-grain and the feeling of a lifestyle change -- it doesn't have to be close to perfect.]

I don't even know if it would be difficult, since I really haven't done it. That's part of the reason it won't happen for me. No woman would every attempt to understand that. I've had a challenging life, and that is largely responsible for that lack of experience. It's not because I wanted it that way, but as far as I can see no woman would ever understand that. Funny you mention someone solidly obese. For medical reasons, I was such that in my teens/early 20s. Once I got those issues taken care of/stopped taking the medication, I was still left with all of that other stuff. I did things the hard way; dieting, exercise, etc. I didn't opt for any special surgeries, etc. At 36, I am in the best shape I have ever been in. Even though I was big, I tightened up well/there is not one stretch mark on me. Dealing with all of that has really changed my way of life. I haven't eaten at McDonald's in 15 years/now consider Texas Roadhouse to be my ideal dining spot. Eating the steak and grilled chicken breast "Texas Sized Combo" after a biceps/chest workout and a shake is like a Christmas gift. People that used to make fun of me are now incredibly jealous. Add to the fact that they put on what I took off; but I'm not one to mock them....at least not out loud. I'm not even sure I want the aggravation of dating, or constantly having to worry that whoever I might be with is ready to trade me in because I don't "excite" them anymore.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 239
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/14/2018 12:34:06 PM

I'm afraid of making the wrong decision, because I have made enough of the wrong decisions already. Therefore, I make no decision.

I so relate to this, OP. Have you ever considered the Portland/Salem OR area?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 240
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/14/2018 1:23:52 PM

NG, being married with kids may not be something you desire, but

Complete misread, emotional assumption on your part off the scales. It's about IT vs WHO.

if it's done and done well, it's an accomplishment.

It's not an IT, it's a WHO. That's my point. And yes -- Yuge Yuge difference, that some socially conditioned people do not understand. Almost the same as those in high school who haven't gone steady with anyone -- and fret about it, and will want to go steady with Anyone who they can merely get along with. Going steady with someone, by ITself, holds no value. But we're Raised to find value in IT -- because our parents want us to want IT, because IT gives the feeling of their kid's Stability. Our friends who are coupled up want us to want IT, because it socially matches up better, etc. Point is -- we have a high divorce rate that's thru the roof + far far more relationships that are "blah" at best, because of the Peer Pressure going after IT, not a Who -- and in the meantime, not enjoying being single & dating, and you get people like OP being depressed about not having the "IT", which ends up having a snowball effect in their luck ever finding a WHO.

I don't know about 5'9" being considered tall. That's one thing I have always thought worked against me.

It's not tall -- but point is, it's not short. In super tall areas (Nebraska, west Michigan), you'll find a little less comparative luck if you get down to the brass tax, but it's Not at all going to make a 5'9" guy go from bouncing with great date after date in Miami, FL to being disasterously dateless in Grand Rapids, MI. :)

You're not short. You're FINE on height. Also, your profile says 5'10" by the way. :) Which I can't razz you too much for that, because girls on average with any online experience will assume 5'9".

I think we all can agree that 6'0" is the standard.

No, 6'0" isn't "par" for women from short->above-average-height. 6'0" is "par" for relatively tall women. Otherwise, 6'0" is Ideal for the rest, on-paper. You're trying to find reasons that aren't there. If you're 5'9" and can get away with saying 5'10" in a profile, your height isn't a deterrent, unless you're chasing Only tall women.

As for personality, I think part of the problem was I was trying to be too perfect, when in reality it didn't matter to me one bit whether or not I was successful.

You don't want to be the caterer. Not only should your dog have taught you not to care so much about being coupled-up when you're down -- he should have let you know to chill out when trying to impress a gal. Basically, when single & not on a date, you should aim to self-improve as a matter of habit. But when on a date or talking to a gal to get a #, etc -- you're not trying to "impress her". Instead, you should just try to put your best foot forward and project yourself how you are, and if a gal DOES have some True underlying interest or more, you don't have to do a song & dance to make them like you. In fact, a song & dance in those cases, unless you are very talented at it (some are; most aren't), has a greater chance of backfiring -- despite what traditional mom, older sister, and aunt have to say.

I would always get the "nice guy" speech if I inquired about getting together again. Then they drop the phrase "no chemistry".

THAT is your achilles heel. One should work on their looks (body; style) being optimized, to help give them leeway on that front. But in the end, unless we're out of their league, being "Mr Nice Guy" is going to get you NOWHERE with social gals. If that comes natural, change it. Much the same as you giving advice to someone who's 50lbs overweight to change their diet. No, not easy -- it's not supposed to be easy like switching brands on something. It's a change that Feels greater than it is, but if it's too easy, it does little change.

It's how you're projecting yourself as a person with a gal. That needs to change. Which requires your mindset (nerves included) about the whole thing to change. Read up and study up on that (but avoid the too-far-off PUA stuff). Start with "How to Succeed with Women" book. :)
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 241
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/17/2018 11:51:44 AM
[I so relate to this, OP. Have you ever considered the Portland/Salem OR area?]

I live in Cleveland, so that would be a little bit of a travel. That being said, I am open to all ideas at this point. I have considered Columbus, which apparently is a good city for "young" people like me. Since I am a Miami Dolphins fan, I have thought about that area. It would be nice to walk around in shorts all year, be able to watch my team/go to games more often, etc. Maybe I just have bad luck, and once I get things going my opinion will change. I'm doubting it though
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 242
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/17/2018 2:52:23 PM
[because our parents want us to want IT, because IT gives the feeling of their kid's Stability. Our friends who are coupled up want us to want IT, because it socially matches up better, etc. Point is -- we have a high divorce rate that's thru the roof + far far more relationships that are "blah" at best, because of the Peer Pressure going after IT, not a Who -- and in the meantime, not enjoying being single & dating, and you get people like OP being depressed about not having the "IT", which ends up having a snowball effect in their luck ever finding a WHO.]

I can agree with this. Quite often my mom might mention something like me meeting someone when I finally get things going, having kids, etc. I quickly shut it down. I might say something like "it's not going to happen", ask her to let it go, etc. The thought of having kids is nice, but polluting the Earth with another me is just unfair. She often mentions that I don't know what I will be missing. How can I know, because I have never even had something remotely similar. You mention the divorce rate; it has indeed skyrocketed. Call me old-fashioned, but people are discarded for stupid reasons these days. I mentioned the "no chemistry" thing with women blowing off dates. If there is some attraction, but sparks don't fly, then its too the curb. If her "assets" aren't big enough, then she's out the door. If he
"is not exciting" anymore, or "doesn't challenge me", etc. Eventually I will put things together. I am not sure I want to risk loosing half my stuff. Sex isn't that important. As it stands right now, I am obviously living life without it. I'm not in the business of trying to impress anyone either. What you see it what you get I've lost over half my hearing, and wear something in the one ear the works. In my experience, the girls I met online were not as accepting of it as I thought....at least initially. Apparently I don't look anywhere near my age, due to the kind of shape that I am in. I certainly don't feel old, but I am still hung up on that number. As I mentioned, once I do put things together I am sure my brother might start to make suggestions/say something. Although I seem to think he wouldn't care, you never know. Not to say I enjoy being single, but I don't know anything else. Such a drastic change might not be good for me. I believe this is also what a lot of people deal with.

[
You're not short. You're FINE on height. Also, your profile says 5'10" by the way. :) Which I can't razz you too much for that, because girls on average with any online experience will assume 5'9".]

I'm usually 5;10" on a good day, but am 5;9". Some woman seem to be so hung up on height though; like guys are on cup size. I've seen profiles of women that are 5;1", and they want a guy that is a least 11" taller then them. That means one of two things to me: she has some kind of sick nose-hair fetish, or she wears her high heels 24/7. Then there's that whole "taller guys are better protectors", or at least that's what I read online. As I mentioned, I am a second-degree black belt, so I think I could handle myself against a taller guy. If take out their knees, who will have the height advantage then? Sorry if I am ranting/crying, but this is just what I have experienced/think.

[You don't want to be the caterer. Not only should your dog have taught you not to care so much about being coupled-up when you're down -- he should have let you know to chill out when trying to impress a gal. Basically, when single & not on a date, you should aim to self-improve as a matter of habit. But when on a date or talking to a gal to get a #, etc -- you're not trying to "impress her". Instead, you should just try to put your best foot forward and project yourself how you are, and if a gal DOES have some True underlying interest or more, you don't have to do a song & dance to make them like you. In fact, a song & dance in those cases, unless you are very talented at it (some are; most aren't), has a greater chance of backfiring -- despite what traditional mom, older sister, and aunt have to say.]

Bailey taught me a lot, that's for sure. I learned from a dog; who can say that? What;s funny is the way he would pick me up; especially after one of thee failed attempts at dating; he;d either sniff my ear until I couldn't take it anymore, take his tail and smack me in the face, or walk in front of me and cut one of his nasty-ass farts; like the kind worse then anything a human can produce. He always knew how to pick me up. He was my dog though, he didn't care about "chemistry" or any of that nonsense. As for impressing women, it has a lot to do with the fact that I feel so inept. What women in her right mind, that other guys are after too, would ever pick me? The other issue is that I am the adult child of an alcoholic. People like that have a tendency to be people-pleasers. As far as talking to girls/trying to get numbers, I don't really do that. A while back I went out with some friends from the gym. I only ended up talking with some girl because they introduced me to the girls they knew. Even if I am interested, I just assume she is taking or that the rest of the horny guys in the bar are after her. In contrast, my stylist and I are like brother and sister. We are great friends, beyond just being stylist/customer. She went back to school, but we are meeting for lunch in a few weeks. She's taken, but I would rather be her friend.= then nothing at all. Would I date her? Hell yes! Could I see myself possibly marrying her? Absolutely. It's the weirdest thing though. I get along better with girls that are taken, then those that aren't. I am sure a lot of guys are like that; but I also don't see that changing.

[ THAT is your achilles heel. One should work on their looks (body; style) being optimized, to help give them leeway on that front. But in the end, unless we're out of their league, being "Mr Nice Guy" is going to get you NOWHERE with social gals. If that comes natural, change it. Much the same as you giving advice to someone who's 50lbs overweight to change their diet. No, not easy -- it's not supposed to be easy like switching brands on something. It's a change that Feels greater than it is, but if it's too easy, it does little change.]

Damn straight it is. I'm what you would call a gym rat. I work on the body daily, and being a former fat kid for medical reasons, not only did I burn it, I tightened it up exceedingly well and built it. I am proud of the work I continue to do. That's one thing I will give myself. I am in damn good shape. I get my hair cut every two weeks, because I hate having long hair. I used to wear my hair in a "half-fro", when I was a kind/younger adult. Half of it had to be shaved off because I had to have emergency neurosurgery, and the other half was shaved off two days later when I had another one. Front that point, I have always gotten it cut every two weeks. The other reason for the is because I have always gotten along well with my female stylists. I used to tan, but stopped because I would always get the skin cancer speech, and my credit card number ended up being used somewhere in Europe. My doctor, who has known me my whole life, told me to stop too. To be honest though, I have begun not to care, or at least come off that way. There's a driving range I go to, that has a sports bar attached to it. There are always women there watching. One of them was walking around, and commented on my headcovers(animals, etc). Instead of saying thank you, I just nodded my head "thank you", gave a half-smile. I give off the impression that I just don't care. To be honest: I have really started not to care. The whole "nice guy" thing has really changed my opinion/is responsible for my thoughts about the whole dating/relationship thing. Maybe that's a defense mechanism, but Freud said defense mechanisms were intended to shield people from dealing with emotionally troubling things. Maybe that's me, or maybe the way things are these days really has caused me to become very disinterested.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 243
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/17/2018 2:52:32 PM
[because our parents want us to want IT, because IT gives the feeling of their kid's Stability. Our friends who are coupled up want us to want IT, because it socially matches up better, etc. Point is -- we have a high divorce rate that's thru the roof + far far more relationships that are "blah" at best, because of the Peer Pressure going after IT, not a Who -- and in the meantime, not enjoying being single & dating, and you get people like OP being depressed about not having the "IT", which ends up having a snowball effect in their luck ever finding a WHO.]

I can agree with this. Quite often my mom might mention something like me meeting someone when I finally get things going, having kids, etc. I quickly shut it down. I might say something like "it's not going to happen", ask her to let it go, etc. The thought of having kids is nice, but polluting the Earth with another me is just unfair. She often mentions that I don't know what I will be missing. How can I know, because I have never even had something remotely similar. You mention the divorce rate; it has indeed skyrocketed. Call me old-fashioned, but people are discarded for stupid reasons these days. I mentioned the "no chemistry" thing with women blowing off dates. If there is some attraction, but sparks don't fly, then its too the curb. If her "assets" aren't big enough, then she's out the door. If he
"is not exciting" anymore, or "doesn't challenge me", etc. Eventually I will put things together. I am not sure I want to risk loosing half my stuff. Sex isn't that important. As it stands right now, I am obviously living life without it. I'm not in the business of trying to impress anyone either. What you see it what you get I've lost over half my hearing, and wear something in the one ear the works. In my experience, the girls I met online were not as accepting of it as I thought....at least initially. Apparently I don't look anywhere near my age, due to the kind of shape that I am in. I certainly don't feel old, but I am still hung up on that number. As I mentioned, once I do put things together I am sure my brother might start to make suggestions/say something. Although I seem to think he wouldn't care, you never know. Not to say I enjoy being single, but I don't know anything else. Such a drastic change might not be good for me. I believe this is also what a lot of people deal with.

[
You're not short. You're FINE on height. Also, your profile says 5'10" by the way. :) Which I can't razz you too much for that, because girls on average with any online experience will assume 5'9".]

I'm usually 5;10" on a good day, but am 5;9". Some woman seem to be so hung up on height though; like guys are on cup size. I've seen profiles of women that are 5;1", and they want a guy that is a least 11" taller then them. That means one of two things to me: she has some kind of sick nose-hair fetish, or she wears her high heels 24/7. Then there's that whole "taller guys are better protectors", or at least that's what I read online. As I mentioned, I am a second-degree black belt, so I think I could handle myself against a taller guy. If take out their knees, who will have the height advantage then? Sorry if I am ranting/crying, but this is just what I have experienced/think.

[You don't want to be the caterer. Not only should your dog have taught you not to care so much about being coupled-up when you're down -- he should have let you know to chill out when trying to impress a gal. Basically, when single & not on a date, you should aim to self-improve as a matter of habit. But when on a date or talking to a gal to get a #, etc -- you're not trying to "impress her". Instead, you should just try to put your best foot forward and project yourself how you are, and if a gal DOES have some True underlying interest or more, you don't have to do a song & dance to make them like you. In fact, a song & dance in those cases, unless you are very talented at it (some are; most aren't), has a greater chance of backfiring -- despite what traditional mom, older sister, and aunt have to say.]

Bailey taught me a lot, that's for sure. I learned from a dog; who can say that? What;s funny is the way he would pick me up; especially after one of thee failed attempts at dating; he;d either sniff my ear until I couldn't take it anymore, take his tail and smack me in the face, or walk in front of me and cut one of his nasty-ass farts; like the kind worse then anything a human can produce. He always knew how to pick me up. He was my dog though, he didn't care about "chemistry" or any of that nonsense. As for impressing women, it has a lot to do with the fact that I feel so inept. What women in her right mind, that other guys are after too, would ever pick me? The other issue is that I am the adult child of an alcoholic. People like that have a tendency to be people-pleasers. As far as talking to girls/trying to get numbers, I don't really do that. A while back I went out with some friends from the gym. I only ended up talking with some girl because they introduced me to the girls they knew. Even if I am interested, I just assume she is taking or that the rest of the horny guys in the bar are after her. In contrast, my stylist and I are like brother and sister. We are great friends, beyond just being stylist/customer. She went back to school, but we are meeting for lunch in a few weeks. She's taken, but I would rather be her friend.= then nothing at all. Would I date her? Hell yes! Could I see myself possibly marrying her? Absolutely. It's the weirdest thing though. I get along better with girls that are taken, then those that aren't. I am sure a lot of guys are like that; but I also don't see that changing.

[ THAT is your achilles heel. One should work on their looks (body; style) being optimized, to help give them leeway on that front. But in the end, unless we're out of their league, being "Mr Nice Guy" is going to get you NOWHERE with social gals. If that comes natural, change it. Much the same as you giving advice to someone who's 50lbs overweight to change their diet. No, not easy -- it's not supposed to be easy like switching brands on something. It's a change that Feels greater than it is, but if it's too easy, it does little change.]

Damn straight it is. I'm what you would call a gym rat. I work on the body daily, and being a former fat kid for medical reasons, not only did I burn it, I tightened it up exceedingly well and built it. I am proud of the work I continue to do. That's one thing I will give myself. I am in damn good shape. I get my hair cut every two weeks, because I hate having long hair. I used to wear my hair in a "half-fro", when I was a kind/younger adult. Half of it had to be shaved off because I had to have emergency neurosurgery, and the other half was shaved off two days later when I had another one. Front that point, I have always gotten it cut every two weeks. The other reason for the is because I have always gotten along well with my female stylists. I used to tan, but stopped because I would always get the skin cancer speech, and my credit card number ended up being used somewhere in Europe. My doctor, who has known me my whole life, told me to stop too. To be honest though, I have begun not to care, or at least come off that way. There's a driving range I go to, that has a sports bar attached to it. There are always women there watching. One of them was walking around, and commented on my headcovers(animals, etc). Instead of saying thank you, I just nodded my head "thank you", gave a half-smile. I give off the impression that I just don't care. To be honest: I have really started not to care. The whole "nice guy" thing has really changed my opinion/is responsible for my thoughts about the whole dating/relationship thing. Maybe that's a defense mechanism, but Freud said defense mechanisms were intended to shield people from dealing with emotionally troubling things. Maybe that's me, or maybe the way things are these days really has caused me to become very disinterested.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 244
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/21/2018 4:45:37 AM
Sorry Aqua my ability to write has been somewhat fucked up these past few days. Hope fully I can get past it soon. Do you have movie quote for writers block?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 245
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 6/22/2018 11:19:22 AM
DAMN!

I was getting worried about you/thought my fellow forum-dwellers deserted me. No funny movie quotes, but I do have a joke: writers block is when your imaginary friends refuse to talk to you.

Heal up and get back here
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 246
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/3/2018 11:23:13 PM
236
tabula rasa

Now I know the name for my thinking. We start as a baby knowing nothing and our environment determines how our personality develops. It's that simple to me. I could go into detail but you already know the theory.


I can';t depend on my brother anymore, and I need to do my own thing.

Yes, you have to do what's right for you. Simple as letting your brother do all the contacting. Hell I still don't have much to say. When your mom went to the kiddie park did the in-laws tag along. I'm thinking hillbillys would be a better name for the in-laws. Stereo-typically they're always together.


I'd say she is probably right I can't help to look at the past, and that has made me fearful of the future.

Of course she's right. That;s the way you've been describing it to me. Now you're looking at the future again and eventually have to make a decision. "I have friends" which you've never talked about. Maybe it's my memory but I don't think you've ever mentioned doing anything with your friends. Why are you afraid to ask them to do things? How much time do you spend alone? Seems to me it would be quite high.

Perfect you're Catholic. Next time your therapist brings up dating tell her you're entering the priesthood.

Sorry Aqua for the short post. I'm working on another.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 247
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/11/2018 1:25:10 PM
DAMN! I've been waiting for a response for so long I thought I was deserted. I hope you're okay.

[Now I know the name for my thinking. We start as a baby knowing nothing and our environment determines how our personality develops. It's that simple to me. I could go into detail but you already know the theory.]

Glad you know it now. As I mentioned, I like to say people are born as a book with blank pages. As life goes on, those pages start to fill up. The beginning and middle of the book all builds up to the end of the book.

[Yes, you have to do what's right for you. Simple as letting your brother do all the contacting. Hell I still don't have much to say. When your mom went to the kiddie park did the in-laws tag along. I'm thinking hillbillys would be a better name for the in-laws. Stereo-typically they're always together.]

Since we talked last, my brother has asked me to be his youngest daughter's godfather. I was shocked he did, because his wife has a large family, and there's no written rule that says your brother has to be the godfather of your child. It was a surprise for sure. Surprisingly, his wife's family didn't tag along for the trip to the kiddie park. When my mom told me that I was shocked. Love the hillbillys comment. I wouldn't really call them that; maybe just over-involved. Although my brother and I are still a little distant, we actually did a bit of yard work at his home a few weeks back. I was thinking he asked me because the in-laws were not available. My mom and I ended up watching his kids for the night, because he went to dinner with his wife. It was fun, somewhat. I got to hold his youngest/my soon-to-be godchild. I foolishly mentioned going golfing with him at some point. He said it would have to be on the weekend, but I am not holding my breath. I knew this would happen, but convinced myself my mom had learned. My brother says the

Want to hear the best part? After several months away, and my mom swearing she would never let my drunk father move back here, she has done just that. I was supposed to be on a temporary basis, until he made enough money to move into a sober living place. Well, the store he was working at supposedly just hired him for the holiday, so he has no job now. She said she would take him back to the place he was at if he lost the job, but I won't hold my breath. Everything she said she would not do, she has done. It's ridiculous, and I am actually leaving tonight. I am going to stay at my uncle's tonight, because he is out of town. After that, I don't know. The one reason I had to stay here is gone. Although I will miss Daisy a lot, I won't be able to take her. It sucks, but I have to take care of myself.

[ Of course she's right. That;s the way you've been describing it to me. Now you're looking at the future again and eventually have to make a decision. "I have friends" which you've never talked about. Maybe it's my memory but I don't think you've ever mentioned doing anything with your friends. Why are you afraid to ask them to do things? How much time do you spend alone? Seems to me it would be quite high. ]

The fact that he is back has me completely focused on getting rid of him. He played my mom, and she fell for it. It might be true that he was only hired for the holiday, but I have my doubts about that. Now we are stuck with him. I blame myself really. If I had done things differently, I would not have to deal with this. I'm flirting with the idea of going back to school, but I can't do that now . He's back, and not leaving. I have to get a job I don't want, and get the **** out of here. My therapist told me to leave and don't look back. Bailey isn't here anymore, so what reason do I have to stay here? My fish?

Will post more later. Glad you are back.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 248
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History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/11/2018 3:08:21 PM
A friend may agree with you about everything to commiserate, but a good friend would be honest with you. Here's the honesty. You've got nothing going on, so you're focusing on your brother that has A LOT going on, which means a big responsibility to himself and his family and that newborn baby. If you had a life of your own, you'd be too busy to look for his attention. If you had a job and were dating, you'd have very little time for anything else. It sounds like you're being needy and a tad resentful of the nice life your brother made for himself with in laws that enjoy family events. No one is doing anything negative to you.

Your mother knows what the deal is with your father. It was a conscious choice to let him back, and maybe one you could have had a say in if you were paying the rent/mortgage. Your mother is letting him do exactly what she's letting you do, stay with her without a job. Time to stop being a professional student and get a job. Get on with your life, and stop obsessing over playing golf with your brother. You have zero responsibilities, and you're overwhelmed. Look at all the responsibilities your brother has. He can't drop everything to cater to you. You're an adult and he has small children to take care of. Join the rest of the world and take a job you don't want until you find one you do want. It sounds like your therapist is coddling you, maybe concerned about losing a client.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 249
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History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/12/2018 2:18:22 AM
There's nothing like rolling a car to change ones perspective. The reason I've been away is because depression kicked into overdrive and I deal with it by hiding from the world. I'll try writing a post today (Thursday). I've been writing most days but it becomes overwhelming and I never finish. When I read the next day what I've written it's a mess and I start over. An endless circle.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 250
view profile
History
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/12/2018 2:24:42 PM
All the posters are back! YESSSSSS!
[A friend may agree with you about everything to commiserate, but a good friend would be honest with you. Here's the honesty. You've got nothing going on, so you're focusing on your brother that has A LOT going on, which means a big responsibility to himself and his family and that newborn baby. If you had a life of your own, you'd be too busy to look for his attention. If you had a job and were dating, you'd have very little time for anything else. It sounds like you're being needy and a tad resentful of the nice life your brother made for himself with in laws that enjoy family events. No one is doing anything negative to you.]

I totally agree with this. I do need my own life. The whole social work thing didn't work out as I had planned. I had so many plans it's ridiculous. I was going to work for a few years, go back and complete my pre-reqs for medical school on the weekend, and look into getting into one of the med schools in the area(there are 3). As usual, things didn't work out. I did get a phone call today about the job thing, and being that it is the type of thing I am doing from home, it just might work out. It would only be p.t., but it would get me out of the house. There's also volunteer stuff I am looking into, that would use that useless Master's degree(so far). I'm hopeful it works out, and it opens the door for bigger things. As for the needy thing, I think I am in agreement. During my first graduate internship, I met a girl on match.com. The whole office was excited for me, and hoped it would work out for me. As you can guess, it didn't. One of the younger girls from another office(was in out office a lot) said it didn't work out because I was kind of needy. I still don't understand what that really means to be honest. All I really need is a chance. Forget about dating, since I have already concluded it's not going to happen. When I say I only need a chance, I mean in the context of job/career. I'm told I need more fun in my life, and need to go beyond just going to the gym, coming back home, etc. That's probably true. In the context of "needy". I am really only concerned with the job stuff. That would open up a lot of possibilities for me.

[Your mother knows what the deal is with your father. It was a conscious choice to let him back, and maybe one you could have had a say in if you were paying the rent/mortgage. Your mother is letting him do exactly what she's letting you do, stay with her without a job. Time to stop being a professional student and get a job. Get on with your life, and stop obsessing over playing golf with your brother. You have zero responsibilities, and you're overwhelmed. Look at all the responsibilities your brother has. He can't drop everything to cater to you. You're an adult and he has small children to take care of. Join the rest of the world and take a job you don't want until you find one you do want. It sounds like your therapist is coddling you, maybe concerned about losing a client.]

To be honest, I am pretty sure she is not happy he is back. He's cost my mom a lot of money. She had to blow all her retirement money while he "got himself right", and even that didn't work out. My credit rating is toast; not because of anything I did, but because she has had to use them to pay the bills while he was in all his rehabs. I'm beginning to think this is finally the kick in the butt I need to get me the hell out of here and never look back. My therapist says I need to move out, and I am in agreement with him. Where do I go? Do i got to my grandma's house? My brother lives 40 minutes away. If things would have worked out as I had planned, we wouldn't be talking about this. Bailey and I would have moved into our condo in the park a long time ago, and would have enjoyed life. Dave(therapist) has really hammered me lately, in the context of getting the hell out of here. He won't start yelling, but he's telling me to get out now, etc. However, it's me that stops myself. Nothing can be done unless I want to do it. I want to, but am afraid to fail. He understands that getting a good job that I would be proud to have has a lot to do with it. My self-esteem is really low as it is. I may be in good shape, and smart, but beyond that I am not much. Getting a good job, that pays real money, that would help me get the hell out of dodge ASAP would do a lot for me. I think the real problem is the drunk I have to call a father. I display all the personality traits an adult child of an alcoholic has. I'm somewhat controlling(though I don't know it), I'm a people pleaser, afraid to try things/take risks, etc. One thing my therapist tells me to do is live by four letters: WWBD....what would Bailey Do. What can I do to make Bailey proud. He would probably be really pissed at me for all this. I wasted too much time making sure that goof of a father I have pays for what he has done, and not focused on myself. Additionally, I wasted the time he was gone. I just wanted to enjoy the fact that he wasn't around. Out of sight, out of mind.
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