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 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 251
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 11 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
[There's nothing like rolling a car to change ones perspective. The reason I've been away is because depression kicked into overdrive and I deal with it by hiding from the world. I'll try writing a post today (Thursday). I've been writing most days but it becomes overwhelming and I never finish. When I read the next day what I've written it's a mess and I start over. An endless circle.]

Rise, you are really starting to worry me. Have you sought help for your depression? I am not sure how the health care system works up in Canada, but I would assume there are counselors/therapists up there.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 252
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/12/2018 10:22:00 PM
Time to join life, as in moving forward in life. It sounds like your life is going in a circle, like you're stuck in a pattern of making bi-lateral moves and not moving forward. Fear of failure can be paralyzing. Your therapist should be helping you with all of this. Not to say this is going on, but a therapist can become a place to chat without ever resolving any problems. If a therapist doesn't lead you to finding answers, then they're being too passive with you.

"Needy" would mean a person that requires a lot of attention. In the context of a relationship, it would be a person that contacts the person they met too often with texts, phone calls or showing up at their place.

I get what you're saying about having an alcoholic's personality without being one.

Not to drag your mom into this, but she sounds like she could be an enabler for your dad and for you. You need tough love, where pressure is applied to you to motivate you. Your mom should be saying, l love you, but I think it's in your best interest to move so that it will motivate you to work or at least require a certain amount of money to contribute to the household that will require you working FT, or you'll have to move. That's a big no to live with granny. You may as well stay where you are. That's a big no to even mention your brother, because again, you need to become completely autonomous from your family, and your brother will never let you move in with him. That would be really intrusive.

Rise, I hate to suggest meds, but if you're not taking anything for depression, you sound bad off enough with a poor quality of life, where you should consider taking something. Maybe you need to be told this, because no one else knows what to say to you about your mood that's family. I can clearly see you're suffering.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 253
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/12/2018 11:00:36 PM
Congratulations on becoming a Godfather. Did you try changing a diaper when you were babysitting? Did the older one warm up to you while she was there? Appears it will be up and down with your brother and his wife. Who knows he may call you up to go golfing


After several months away, and my mom swearing she would never let my drunk father move back here, she has done just that.

Yes it's unfortunate but remember she was in love with him and must still have some feelings for him to do this. If she didn't help him would he end up on the street? That would be enough to motivate her to help him.

I'll write more friday.

I'm bipolar Aqua, diagnosed over 20 years ago. This is the longest the depression has persisted. I work out of town so no opportunity for counselling. I have always dealt with this alone.

Oops almost forgot


Dave(therapist) has really hammered me lately,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpmJa4lWpKg
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 254
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/13/2018 12:28:20 PM
[Time to join life, as in moving forward in life. It sounds like your life is going in a circle, like you're stuck in a pattern of making bi-lateral moves and not moving forward. Fear of failure can be paralyzing. Your therapist should be helping you with all of this. Not to say this is going on, but a therapist can become a place to chat without ever resolving any problems. If a therapist doesn't lead you to finding answers, then they're being too passive with you]


I agree completely, believe it or not. Now that the goof I have to call a father(although I haven't called him this is a long time) is back, I am angry. Angry that he played my mom, and also angry at my mom because she did all the things she said she would never do again. Believe it or not, I work best when I am angry. I went to the gym late last night(11:00), and didn't finish until after 12:00. I drove through the condo village Bailey and I were supposed to move to, because it is on the way home. Obviously I started crying a bit, and apologizing to Bailey for not keeping my promise. However, he can still move with me into one of them. His ashes can come with me when/if it ever happens for me. It won't be the same, but.... Maybe I can take Daisy with me too, since she is starting to take a liking to me. Now I am motivated to make the needed changes. He's back for now, and I want nothing to do with him and all his crap. As for the fear of failure, you are exactly right. In my eyes, I have failed too many times. I am afraid to try/do anything, because the past tells me I will fail. I can't deal with anymore failure. That's what happens with the therapist. We can make plans, and I can be on-board for change. However, the first bit of bad news I get, everything falls apart.

[Needy" would mean a person that requires a lot of attention. In the context of a relationship, it would be a person that contacts the person they met too often with texts, phone calls or showing up at their place.]

The first girl I met on match.com that I really liked was named Melanie(one of my favorite female names). For our date, went to the zoo. I can't say I contacted her all the time. I can remember coming home from school, and being caught in traffic. She sent me a text message then. I do know I asked her if she would like to meet again a day or two after we went to the zoo. I got the "nice guy" speech then, and that was it. I've met a few other women on the website, but they all ended that way. Although one of them had "outdated" pictures, if you get it. The other girls were actually "as advertised". One we went to dinner, the other we went bowling. They all ended the same way, as I mentioned. To be honest with you; if that were to happen right now(being the way I am now), I don't think it would matter to me one way or the other.

[Not to drag your mom into this, but she sounds like she could be an enabler for your dad and for you. You need tough love, where pressure is applied to you to motivate you. Your mom should be saying, l love you, but I think it's in your best interest to move so that it will motivate you to work or at least require a certain amount of money to contribute to the household that will require you working FT, or you'll have to move. That's a big no to live with granny. You may as well stay where you are. That's a big no to even mention your brother, because again, you need to become completely autonomous from your family, and your brother will never let you move in with him. That would be really intrusive. ]

That's the word I was looking for. She actually is telling me to do just that. She's stressing that I look for a support group for people that are hard of hearing. My response is that I want to be around "normal" people/no anyone like myself. It might be interesting though. Every-so-often the whole dating/marriage/kids conversation comes up. I do my best to shut it down as fast as possible. Her response it something like "you don't know what you will be missing", or"do you want to be 50 y.o. and alone"? Like I said before: now that he is back, and in my eyes pulling the same shit as all the other times, I am angry. Anger seems to really piss me off/motivate me. If I could be off to Miami tomorrow, I would be gone yesterday. I did get a phone call yesterday about a job I had applied for a while back. My interview is in a few weeks. If by chance that work out, which it might because it's the same thing I am doing from home now, then it will both she and I will be paying the bills. I will be getting my insurance settlement at some point, and being that it is taking so long, it appears that my health issues could be holding things up(could be adding to home much I will be offered). The money will be mine. In all reality, I probably won't see a lot of it. The situation is truly ridiculous, and it might finally be what I needed to motivate me to get out now. The other thing is that I need to make Bailey proud. He wouldn't be happy seeing his primary slave suffer.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 255
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/13/2018 1:15:20 PM
[Congratulations on becoming a Godfather. Did you try changing a diaper when you were babysitting? Did the older one warm up to you while she was there? Appears it will be up and down with your brother and his wife. Who knows he may call you up to go golfing]

Thank you, and HELL NO! Yes, his older daughter started to warm up to me a little when we were over there. She did get a little frightened when I was crawling on the ground, but it got better. Not long after that we went to the zoo. She's coming around, but it might take a little bit of time. Him calling me to go golfing? Yeah, and Donald Trump is qualified.

[Yes it's unfortunate but remember she was in love with him and must still have some feelings for him to do this. If she didn't help him would he end up on the street? That would be enough to motivate her to help him.]

Unfortunate? That's the best word you can find? I think it's more pathetic than anything. Being that he has done so much for so long, my mom has had to spend all her retirement money on bills, etc. It was primarily all about the money, but he's not working anymore. So, there's no money coming from him. I might get a job in a few weeks(hope the interview works out), so the money would come from me and her. Never mind the fact that all of this has destroyed my once-good credit rating, in order to pay the bills. I found out a while ago that my credit rating was used to apply for a credit card needed to pay for Bailey's surgery and chemo. Seriously? So, if not for me, Bailey wouldn't have had surgery on the same day we took him for his appointment, and maybe not at all. First, that made me happy that I was able to help Bailey that way. It also made me angry. He's done this for so long it's ridiculous. He's 62, he's never getting another job. If I had a good credit rating, I would be able to get a home lone to move into one of those condos when things finally get moving for me. Thanks for him, that may never happen. I really just can't stand him. Dare I say my mom isn't happy either.

'm bipolar Aqua, diagnosed over 20 years ago. This is the longest the depression has persisted. I work out of town so no opportunity for counselling. I have always dealt with this alone.]

I'd suggest finding a psychiatrist, and getting an a prescription. The class of the medication would probably be an SSRI(selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor). Serotonin is a neurotransmiter, which is kind of like a chemical messenger in the brain. It is though to be somewhat responsible for depression.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 256
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/14/2018 12:26:47 AM
Doing nothing and not progressing in life is failing, what you're doing now. You're in failure mode. If you get a job, you will be so proud of yourself, and very happy with that paycheck! Forget about what could or should have been. If Bailey could be used for motivation, that would be fine, but it hasn't been enough motivation before. Your motivation should be that you want more out of life. If you get a full time job, your life will change dramatically, and you will have more options open to you. Women will not be attracted to you in your current situation. You're financially behind everyone your age, but you can work on that.

It sounds like you went on fun dates. Who is to say why they didn't pan out. That happens to everyone. Does your hearing issue affect your speech?

I know it's upsetting and disappointing with what your mom is doing by getting into this revolving door relationship and is stuck in it. Maybe she's looking for adult male companionship as an excuse.

I don't get what went wrong with your credit. Was your card actually charged to pay for the surgery, and not paid off? If your credit was okay, you still need to show enough of an income to get a mortgage.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 257
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/16/2018 10:14:54 PM
I hope this little bit is understandable.


Unfortunate? That's the best word you can find?

It was the first word that came to mind and is appropriate. We are obligated by our nature to do what we think is right and there isn't much that can change our minds. Unfortunately your mom had to follow that tenet and took back your father because it is near impossible to overcome. She had to follow her conscience which was probably the biggest influence on her decision. She can't be faulted for this because what was written on her blank pages when she was young determined how her conscience works now.


As for the fear of failure, you are exactly right. In my eyes, I have failed too many times. I am afraid to try/do anything, because the past tells me I will fail. I can't deal with anymore failure.

Does this mean you're giving up? Would you consider your fear of failure something akin to a phobia? The past holds the imprint of your failures, it does not predict the future. Unfortunately (there's that word again) you have no choice now but to make a decision about your life and take the chance it won't fail. Any idea when this fear of failing began to be written on your blank pages?

I don't know what to say about your fathers return. It is a complete disaster for you and so unexpected, Hopefully you have been able to deal with it somewhat since your last post.

Aqua I live in Canada, free health care. I take lithium, and lamotrigine which keep me level most of the time though now I've overcome them somewhat. Depression has been a part of my life a long time and I accept it, I have no choice. As for new meds, it's a hit and miss affair and then waiting for the therapeutic levels to be reached while undergoing the side effects. This candy isn't magical.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 258
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/18/2018 1:14:51 PM
[Doing nothing and not progressing in life is failing, what you're doing now. You're in failure mode. If you get a job, you will be so proud of yourself, and very happy with that paycheck! Forget about what could or should have been. If Bailey could be used for motivation, that would be fine, but it hasn't been enough motivation before. Your motivation should be that you want more out of life. If you get a full time job, your life will change dramatically, and you will have more options open to you]

I agree with you completely. It's just though I can't help but dwell on the past "mistakes", and get hung up on those. I had so many plans that have obviously not worked out it's ridiculous. If you ask me, I have made enough mistakes in life, and am afraid to try anything else because I assume I will fail. I'd rather not deal with any more failure, so I don't bother trying anything at all. It's a cycle obviously. I'll never fulfill my promise to Bailey; that we would live together in one of the condos in the park. Yes, I will take his ashes with me if I every get there. It won't be the same though. In my eyes, I failed him. As for motivation, I think the real kicker this time around is the fact that my "father" is back around. I might be nice to him, but I still can't stand him. I honestly want nothing to do with him. Maybe that is the kick I need to finally get things going. Although what I really need is a phone call from one of these jobs I am applying for. That would be a great start. I did get one of them a week or two ago, and am giong to meet them next week. It might work out, but I am not holding my breath. I have had interviews for jobs I really wanted, that would have done a great deal for me(self-esteem), and they didn't work out.

[ Women will not be attracted to you in your current situation. You're financially behind everyone your age, but you can work on that.]

To be honest, I don't think I really care anymore. I think I have made it known in these posts that I have given up on dating/relationships, in part because I am so behind professionally, etc. If I am lucky, I will finally get things moving at some point. Assuming this does happen, I don't think I will even want to bother with dating/relationships. Catching up professionally/financially will be the only thing I am concerned with. With the divorce rate what it is, I don't think I would want to risk anything, To be honest, if you gave me the choice of going to the gym, or going on a date with an attractive girl, I'd probably pick the gym. Why? I would assume the date would be a waste of time and money, since I am almost positive it won't work out/lead to a second date. I guess what I am trying to say is that my focus should only be on improving my life, and not following the status-quo of getting a good job, getting married, etc. I will definetley look into adopting, but that's probably it.

[Maybe she's looking for adult male companionship as an excuse. ]

Hell no! The whole point of him coming back to the area was to get a job, and help with the bills. Due to the fact that he's in rehab so much, my mom has concluded he pissed away about $50,000. He owes her more then he will every understand. He owes his entire family, financially and emotionally. My brother won't let him see his kids; at least right now. My grandma's birthday is tomorrow, and his isn't invited. Yes, he's done this much damage. He's not going to just show up. Now, about my credit. Since I didn't really have a real job, I didn't charge ANYTHING. I paid for everything with cash/check. When I was able to, I made my payments on time, etc. So, my credit rating was good. Due to my recovering drunk being in rehab so much/costing my mom that much money, she has had to use MY credit cards to pay the bills: electricity, water, etc. He's in rehab, so the balances on my credit cards were never paid(on-time at least). Add in the late fees, and I am pretty much ruined because of him. With Bailey: we had to apply for "care credit". It's often used when people can't pay cash for procedures like that, dental issues, etc. Anyway, that once-good credit rating of mine is the reason we were approved for that card, and Bailey was able to have surgery on the same day of his initial appointment. What would have happened if we weren't approved/didn't use my credit rating, I don't want to think about. The point is: everything he has done has caused a lot of problems for a lot of people. My mom called him a baby a few days back, because he needs incentive to do anything that would benefit others/only does things that help himself. Not only here, but people he knows have done the same. So, I think you can understand why I can't stand the sight of him.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 259
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/18/2018 1:43:17 PM
[he had to follow her conscience which was probably the biggest influence on her decision. She can't be faulted for this because what was written on her blank pages when she was young determined how her conscience works now.]

Actually, I am not sure I agree with this. I think the biggest decision is the money involved. With all his stints in rehab, he has probably cost my mom about $50,000. My once-good credit rating is now destroyed because my cards had to be used to pay the utility bills while he was gone. Obviously, the payments were not made as they should have been/on-time. So, I am screwed thanks to him. It would be one thing if I was charging things left and right, with no way of paying for them, but I am not. Anything I can't pay for, I don't get. He got a job, and was therefore allowed to come back to the area/move into the house temporarily, until he made enough money to move into a sober living house. He lost that job, and is now doing nothing. I have a job interview next week, and hopefully more. Plus, I am getting my insurance settlement from the accident I was in back in March. Chances are I will not see much, if any of that. He played my mom, nothing more. He wanted to come back here, and now I am just waiting for him to find himself a bottle.

[Does this mean you're giving up? Would you consider your fear of failure something akin to a phobia? The past holds the imprint of your failures, it does not predict the future. Unfortunately (there's that word again) you have no choice now but to make a decision about your life and take the chance it won't fail. Any idea when this fear of failing began to be written on your blank pages?]

I think I might have given up already. I think in my case, I assume it will predict the future. Although I am told otherwise, I like to say that nothing good has really ever happened to me. I think the real issue is me succeeding, and not being able to handle it. It would really blow all of my pre-conceived thoughts/assumptions to hell. Then what would I do? I'd be totally lost. To be hypothetical: let's say I went out for a waste of time(called a date by everyone else) with a very attractive girl, that other guys would want. Let's say instead of the nice guy speech, she said she'd like to get together again. I'd be totally floored, SHOCKED. I''d probably ask her if she was high/drunk, or if she knew what she was saying. As for when it started to write itself into my pages, I'd say adolescence/early adult-hood. Maybe stretch it into my older-twenties.

[ don't know what to say about your fathers return. It is a complete disaster for you and so unexpected, Hopefully you have been able to deal with it somewhat since your last post]

I guess I am dealing with it by having as little contact with him as I can. I am going to the library every day to use my laptop, walking Daisy when we are home together, etc. It sucks, and I am inclined to believe my mom isn't happy about it. IF, and that's a big if, I get that job I mentioned above, as well as when I finally get the insurance settlement, he's in for a rude awakening when I pay for his sober house.

[Aqua I live in Canada, free health care. I take lithium, and lamotrigine which keep me level most of the time though now I've overcome them somewhat. Depression has been a part of my life a long time and I accept it, I have no choice. As for new meds, it's a hit and miss affair and then waiting for the therapeutic levels to be reached while undergoing the side effects. This candy isn't magical.]

Living in Canada doesn't sound bad these days, because we have a real nut running this country. He won't be around my longer though. Anyway, I am on lamotrogine as well, but to control my epilepsy. You said you work away from home, so therapy isn't an option for you, right? What about e-therapy? Although I am not completely sure that is ethical, as far as keeping things confidential and all. There has to be other options for you
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 260
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/19/2018 4:08:12 AM
238

I've had a challenging life, and that is largely responsible for that lack of experience. It's not because I wanted it that way, but as far as I can see no woman would ever understand that.

You'd be surprised by what a woman will understand. I've dated women who understand my illness. Had three year relationship with one. The problem is meeting someone who understands.


Let's say instead of the nice guy speech, she said she'd like to get together again.

If a woman want to get together again you'd know she understands.


I think I might have given up already.

What are you giving up on? The mythical American dream? Are you really ready to settle for what life brings you? You'll end up spending the rest of your life thinking about the possibilities that could have been when you should be trying to make those possibilities real now.



I'd say she is probably right. I can't help to look at the past, and that has made me fearful of the future.

If you look at the past now, you'll do the same in the future and it will be filled with possibilities and regrets.

Aqua I never talk about my depression. The only reason I did was because I consider you a friend and felt I should explain my absence. I've dealt with it alone ever since I was diagnosed. I have a psychiatrist which I see every 9 months and that's mainly to renew prescriptions. Like you I have other problems but I've accepted what my life has become because the medical conditions will never change. I hope you don't accept your life as it is now because you are young and have the time and knowledge to do so much more. Your dream is not over, it just has to be adjusted a bit
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 261
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/21/2018 12:17:47 AM
Someone without a real work history is not going to get a good job and a decent salary. The longer you wait to be employed, the harder it will be to get a job. I think you already have it worked out how to not work. You're probably counting the days to get your settlement money, then your incentive to do anything is going to diminish further. Without a job, you can't date, which is why you've probably decided to not date.

The way you explained your father "he needs incentive to do anything", it sounds like it describes you. Still at home, not working. Just get a job already and stop making excuses.

You didn't say, do you have a speech impediment from hearing loss?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 262
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/22/2018 6:40:46 AM
^^^^^^

Did you mix up your threads?


Someone without a real work history is not going to get a good job and a decent salary.

I would guess his work history would be 8 to 12 years. Considering he has a Master's Degree I don't seehim as being the type of person who sits on his ass doing nothing and waiting for the world to come to him.


The longer you wait to be employed, the harder it will be to get a job.

He mentioned in his posts that he has a job interview and other prospects. Considering his qualifications the kind of jobs he's looking for aren't advertised on Kijiji and I don't see Starbucks as an option


I think you already have it worked out how to not work.

Seriously? Did you miss the part about his Mom blowing her retirement savings looking after his dad? Or the part where his dad has moved back home and she has to support him again? Or the part where Aqua said he would pay for the support home just to get his dad out of his Mom's house? That's a big motivator for him. That Master's degree didn't just happen, he achieved it because he's ambitious.


You're probably counting the days to get your settlement money,

He mentioned his settlement is coming soon and he doesn't expect much out of it. How much do you think he'll get for being rear ended with out serious injury?


Without a job, you can't date, which is why you've probably decided to not date.

This just baffles me. Aqua has talked quite extensively about his dating and his lack of success has nothing to do with money. From his descriptions his dating life has been lacking all his life and has nothing to do with money.

Newyorker what I wrote above was because I broke down the sentences. When I first read your post I saw something much different.


then your incentive to do anything is going to diminish further.

As a whole when I read your post for the first time I saw the beginning's of the endless circle which can cause depression. One thing goes wrong, then another and another. They eventually begin to feed on each other and this can lead to depression. As this is happenings the "lack of incentive" gets stronger and stronger. I don't see that you 'lack incentive" Aqua, in fact I see the opposite. Until Newyorker made her post I wasn't even thinking of depression applying to you though I think you are susceptible to it.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 263
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/22/2018 7:24:53 AM
I missed any work history, but what stands out are college and the gym. He sounds like a professional student, and did mention going back to school again. When did he last leave the house for work? He mentions being fussy about what job to apply for. If he was living on his own, he would work at any job until he could get a job he likes better.

You don't know what the settlement is, but whatever it is, it will help him to float by, being he lives with his mom. He's in his mid 30s, I believe. If it's even $5,000, without paying rent or little rent, that can last a very long time.

Bailey was supposed to be his incentive. Now he's saying it "may" be his father, but said he was looking who he could then live "with", mentioning his grandmother and brother. Why go back to living with someone?

I saw no extensive dating history.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 264
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/22/2018 8:28:14 AM
For now hes been tutoring online for work. As I see it his fussiness has do to do with wanting decent job commensurate with his education and will meet his financial needs among other things. He also talked about going to school though that idea I believe is on hold considering the present situation. The situation leads me to believe he is looking at taking a job for less pay just to deal with his dad. Since losing his job so close after Bailey's passing he probably 'lacked the incentive" for a while to look for a job.

He's been without a job something like 5 months and at his mom's for maybe 4. I got the idea he wants to move out because his there so that $5000 may not go far or use it to move his dad out. That $5000 wouldn't go far. Also who knows what debt he has, student loan, credit card, car etc. Hell $5000 will only by 28 pounds of pot up here. When it becomes legal of course.

Newyorker what is your incentive? For anything? You experience it all your life but never notice it. To me incentive is nothing more than a stronger desire for something a person already wants. It happens to everyone all their lives but not always thought of that way. For example, four people sitting at a table and one says. "i'm saving up for a trip." No one will use the word incentive but that's what it is. Bailey was never Aqua's incentive for life though he was his everything. With Bailey's passing Aqua lost "incentive" for life while he overcame depression. He's overcome it though people with depression sometimes hide it.

Aqua and I have talked about dating quite a bit though not lately. He does not do well due to his lack of experience and I'd say with out a doubt his medical conditions. For me it's mentioning bipolar, easily kills a conversation on POF. He has begun to accept the possibility that he will be single for the rest of his life. Of course coincidence might change that. Most relationships are coincidental in real life. I met my ex because she started working at the same restaurant as my sister otherwise we would have never crossed paths. Think about how you met your ex's.

Thanks Newyorker for making me do research. I had to read a few posts to make sure I remembered this right.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 265
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/22/2018 8:30:23 AM
For now hes been tutoring online for work. As I see it his fussiness has do to do with wanting decent job commensurate with his education and will meet his financial needs among other things. He also talked about going to school though that idea I believe is on hold considering the present situation. The situation leads me to believe he is looking at taking a job for less pay just to deal with his dad. Since losing his job so close after Bailey's passing he probably 'lacked the incentive" for a while to look for a job.

He's been without a job something like 5 months and at his mom's for maybe 4. I got the idea he wants to move out because his there so that $5000 may not go far or use it to move his dad out. That $5000 wouldn't go far. Also who knows what debt he has, student loan, credit card, car etc. Hell $5000 will only by 28 pounds of pot up here. When it becomes legal of course.

Newyorker what is your incentive? For anything? You experience it all your life but never notice it. To me incentive is nothing more than a stronger desire for something a person already wants. It happens to everyone all their lives but not always thought of that way. For example, four people sitting at a table and one says. "i'm saving up for a trip." No one will use the word incentive but that's what it is. Bailey was never Aqua's incentive for life though he was his everything. With Bailey's passing Aqua lost "incentive" for life while he overcame depression. He's overcome it though people with depression sometimes hide it.

Aqua and I have talked about dating quite a bit though not lately. He does not do well due to his lack of experience and I'd say with out a doubt his medical conditions. For me it's mentioning bipolar, easily kills a conversation on POF. He has begun to accept the possibility that he will be single for the rest of his life. Of course coincidence might change that. Most relationships are coincidental in real life. I met my ex because she started working at the same restaurant as my sister otherwise we would have never crossed paths. Think about how you met your ex's.

Thanks Newyorker for making me do research. I had to read a few posts to make sure I remembered this right.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 266
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/22/2018 8:31:41 AM
For now hes been tutoring online for work. As I see it his fussiness has do to do with wanting decent job commensurate with his education and will meet his financial needs among other things. He also talked about going to school though that idea I believe is on hold considering the present situation. The situation leads me to believe he is looking at taking a job for less pay just to deal with his dad. Since losing his job so close after Bailey's passing he probably 'lacked the incentive" for a while to look for a job.

He's been without a job something like 5 months and at his mom's for maybe 4. I got the idea he wants to move out because his there so that $5000 may not go far or use it to move his dad out. That $5000 wouldn't go far. Also who knows what debt he has, student loan, credit card, car etc. Hell $5000 will only by 28 pounds of pot up here. When it becomes legal of course.

Newyorker what is your incentive? For anything? You experience it all your life but never notice it. To me incentive is nothing more than a stronger desire for something a person already wants. It happens to everyone all their lives but not always thought of that way. For example, four people sitting at a table and one says. "i'm saving up for a trip." No one will use the word incentive when they talk about it but that's what it is. Bailey was never Aqua's incentive for life though he was his everything. With Bailey's passing Aqua lost "incentive" for life while he overcame depression. He's overcome it though people with depression sometimes hide it. He's talking about moving so he doesn't have to be in the same house as his dad.

Aqua and I have talked about dating quite a bit though not lately. He does not do well due to his lack of experience and I'd say with out a doubt his medical conditions. For me it's mentioning bipolar, easily kills a conversation on POF. He has begun to accept the possibility that he will be single for the rest of his life. Of course coincidence might change that. Most relationships are coincidental in real life. I met my ex because she started working at the same restaurant as my sister otherwise we would have never crossed paths. Think about how you met your ex's.

Thanks Newyorker for making me do research. I had to read a few posts to make sure I remembered this right.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 267
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/22/2018 5:19:44 PM
Holy crap am I out of practice when it comes to making a post. Three times?
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 268
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/22/2018 6:25:48 PM
That happens sometimes.

I understand he may be in a funk, I would be too if my dog passed on and with everything else going on. Thing is, life usually has us moving forward as we work our way thru things. The thing to realize is how long is it reasonable to be at a standstill. It's different for everyone, but you have to draw a line in the sand. Keeping busy/working is therapy in and of itself. It can distract one from one's problems.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/23/2018 4:18:54 AM

Thing is, life usually has us moving forward as we work our way thru things.

True and Aqua's life is moving forward. It has been since Bailey's passing despite the obstacles that have cropped up since then. Aqua you could best respond to this statement.


The thing to realize is how long is it reasonable to be at a standstill. It's different for everyone,

Yes it is different for everyone and only the person it involves can determine how long it will last. For some there life never moves forward again.


Keeping busy/working is therapy in and of itself. It can distract one from one's problems.

Yes and that's what I did when Aqua first created this thread. I encouraged him to find things to do which distract him from thinking about Bailey's passing and give him small moments of relief. The problem at the time was he spent so much time alone and had to find his own distractions which wouldn't be easy to do since he was so overwhelmed with grief. He still has problems but I don't see that they interfere with his daily life. Again Aqua can best answer this.

Aqua until I began speaking with Newyorker these last couple of posts I never considered that depression might kick in again because of all that's been happening. A couple of times you said things that made me wonder if it had but they were just passing thoughts and you never expanded on them. Yes I do think you're susceptible to depression.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 270
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/25/2018 3:40:36 PM
New Yorker,

I read some of your posts, and I have to say that you couldn't be more wrong about me. First, I think Rise mentioned my work history being somewhere between 8-12 years. It's more like 18 years. I actually had two jobs at once, each I really liked. However, one of my supervisors made me chose/forced me to quit one of them. At the time, I was studying to get into nursing school. However, one of life's curveballs I am so used to seeing changed things. If I didn't have to deal with that, I probably would have kept my promise to Bailey. I've had interviews in the past that although I thought went extremely well, didn't work out. One of which was at a nearby mental health place known as the "Brain Enrichment Center". The counseling aspect didn't interest me as much as the neurofeedback and brain-mapping research that I would have had the chance to do. Two months ago I spoke with someone via Skype, about a health and wellness coach opportunity. The company is based in Toronto, but was expanding to the U.S. I would have been working from home, but still making excellent money. I'm in line for the next opening, but that probably won't manifest itself. Probably above all else; I don't know anyone, which is pretty much how things are done these days. So, to say that I am just sitting and letting life past me by isn't right at all. No, I don't want to go back to school, but I may not have a choice. I either continue doing what I am doing right now, which isn't working for me, or hit the "reset" button. So, forgive me for not sitting behind a cash register or unloading trucks, but I want to be paid real money, and use everything all that time in school supplied me. Did I also mention I have LSW behind my name? So, I hope you can understand my frustration with all of this. While in grad school, I was required to complete paid internships. To make a long story short, my second internship was at a dialysis center. Others that have been interns there are in the same position I am in, which should indicate that maybe it's not the student's fault. As for how things will look to a potential partner: I'm not sure I care anymore. I told my therapist on Saturday that I think I'd enjoy the company of an animal more than I would a girlfriend/wife. I guess the reason for that is the dog will love me unconditionally. There won't be a "no chemistry" cop-out after three minutes of meeting, and certainlly not a "nice guy" speech. It's too much of a risk, and the reward is questionable. That's not to say that I wouldn't welcome the opportunity, but it's not something I am making a priority.

About my car accident: no, no major injuries. However, when you have had six brain surgeries, as well as deal with epilepsy, the small headaches you get tend to turn into migraines that totally knock you out. It's also an issue when stuff was knocked out of place in your back, and you still can't perform certain exercises in the gym as a result. So, a simple fender-bender isn't really what happened here. If that were the case, they would have settled already.

Rise, I appreciate you sticking up for me a bit. I know New Yorker wasn't really trying to attack me, but it sure felt like it.

Now, I've been thinking a lot about Bailey the last few weeks. With the child I have to call a "father" being back for whatever, it's hard. In the past, when he was making my life miserable, I was ready to swallow a bottle of my epilepsy medication. Bailey, and the thought of leaving him stopped me from doing it. Also because I was inclined to believe I'd screw it up somehow, and be a burden on a lot of people for the rest of my life. Now that he is gone, what do I do? Who do I turn to? I have my grandma, but BOTH she and Bailey were my saving graces. Half of those are gone now, and the other half is getting up there in age. What do I do then? Daisy is filling the void left by Bailey, but she's not Bailey. Bailey wouldn't let my "father" within five feet of me.

[A couple of times you said things that made me wonder if it had but they were just passing thoughts and you never expanded on them. Yes I do think you're susceptible to depression.]

Yes, I believe you are right Rise. The slightest bit of bad news ends it all for me. My mom was telling me a story of this couple she knows, that has a daughter younger then me. Every time she gets shot down for jobs(like I do), she gets depressed and eats. She's apparently very heavy. I may get depressed, but I take my depression up to the gym. Everyone deals with it in their own way. I guess my way of dealing with it was going having Bailey smack me in the face with his tail(GET OVER IT). What exactly did I say Rise?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/25/2018 10:45:10 PM

What exactly did I say Rise?

Sorry Aqua I could only find this cause my memory is not what it should be.

228
I'll eventually end up lifting packages for a living, and at that point I don't know if I will want to bother with life anymore

This is the second time in a month you've alluded to ending it. The first time I considered it an afterthought and again it is an afterthought to me but the fact you've done it twice in such a short time bothers me. Thinking it even in passing is not something you want to be doing. You had mentioned Bailey had busted down the bathroom door and probably saved you. This is when I began to think you were susceptible to depression. I saw immediately when you created this thread what to me was severe depression but I couldn't fathom grief so I tried to help you based on my experience. I knew as the grief subsided the depression would to. It took a while but you were able to overcome it. You still have tears sometimes when you think about him but that's normal. However your fear of failure isn't normal by societies standards. So here goes.

I posted this on here before and asked you if you could relate to it. You said no to my relief because if depression causes you to think like this you would have been totally fucked.

But I can't stand up, and I can't sit down
Cause a great big problem stopped me in my tracks
I can't relax cause I haven't done a thing
And I can't do a thing cause I can't relax

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXw7a3FdBL4

It's the endless circle. For you, no job, fear of failure, that assholes back, brother, no job, fear of failure, i need that settlement, no relationship, no job, brother, Bailey's gone, can't sleep, no job, and so on. However your progressing towards racing thoughts which can't be turned off. Then you'll begin second guessing things from the past and they will become a part of the endless circle. Anything you do wrong will expand that depression. Spill a drink or burn your toast will become a major catastrophe to you and also become part of that endless circle. At some point you'll begin to think about The Infinite Sadness and that will start to look like the best solution. Now you have clusterfuck of thoughts racing through your mind and The Infinite Sadness begins to look like the relief you need and so promising. That's why I don't like you alluding to ending it. If depression kicks in the thought is already in your mind so it may happen quicker. And now

Pretend you're lying in a hospital bed drifting in and out of consciousness. Every time you wake up you're puking up charcoal and prescription meds while the nurses are screaming at you. Now try to imagine what your thoughts might be every time you regain consciousness. At the time my only thought every time I regained conciousness was "I failed again." I suggest you stop thinking about it..
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 272
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/25/2018 11:07:35 PM
Aqua, I'm just playing bad cop to Rise's good cop. He's being more understanding and empathetic, while I'm being more supportive in wanting you to get a job and move out.

Rise, speaking of offing one's self, there was another guy here that sounded very depressed, and now I don't see him posting anymore. I hope he's okay.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/26/2018 4:33:04 AM
Newyorker I watch for basilisk too.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/26/2018 5:42:49 AM
Yes, that's who it was. His profile doesn't show a pic now and says under construction. He said he was okay, but I don't believe so.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 7/26/2018 4:07:55 PM
When he had that last meltdown because he couldn't sleep I tried talking to him but he left before reading my second post to him. He comes and goes. Has always done that. I've never interacted with him.
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