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 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 326
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 14 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
You can't do anything about your mom. It's unfortunate she's clinging to him. I was thinking she was older, and thinking she's too old to date and wants to go with something "easy", which is a joke. She's one year younger than I am. Boy is she wasting the last best years to find someone else.

DO NOT let your father drive your car! You'll end up with a lawsuit when he drives UTI. Here's where your life can really make a hard left. It doesn't surprise me that he's still drinking, and drunks are big liars. He could potentially get sober and dump your mom when he looks better to other women. What I would do if I were your mom, while your father is still a mess and needs her, I'd have your father sign a note saying he owes her whatever money he does, with something in there that indicates a timeline for when it should be paid off. She should tell him sign it or leave. Don't leave, and I will have you thrown out with a restraining order. He may sign it in order to stay thinking he'll get out of that contract when he needs to fulfil it.

Sounds like you're doing good things with revamping your resume. I used to use different resumes for different jobs. I'd make past experiences look like things I had done successfully for things that are required to be done at the new job. If the interviewer gave clues for things that are important to them, I'd play those things up and show I'm that person. You sound like you had a good interview. It's good to make an interviewer laugh as you did to show your people skills, and that you're easy to get along with.

I know you do tutor work, which is great as you're working on other things, as you said, you're keeping your mind working. Going back to school at this age makes you sound like a professional student. You know they'd rather stay in school.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 327
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/25/2018 10:56:43 AM
[You can't do anything about your mom. It's unfortunate she's clinging to him. I was thinking she was older, and thinking she's too old to date and wants to go with something "easy", which is a joke. She's one year younger than I am. Boy is she wasting the last best years to find someone else.]

NOW you get it! I knew you would. I think you now realize how insane this whole situation is. Daisy have spent the weekend at my Grandma's for the purpose of safety. My mom is afraid that if he gets going, I will have to kill him/get arrested for some other reason. I went home for a while yesterday, due to the fact that my mom and I went shopping for my Niece's 2nd birthday tomorrow, so I can eat, feed my saltwater fish(they are very particular about what they eat), etc. How does a 61 y.o. man sleep more then my newborn niece? The best part: he claims to not talk to his family(they are bad news). Yesterday, my mom overheard him talking to his brother, and mentioning he talked to his sister, etc. He said "I won't be here much longer, I'm not happy here". Seriously? He's not happy here? Is he not making our lives miserable? My mom will be calling her lawyer next week. She originally filed for divorce after he got arrested for domestic violence. I doubt it will actually happen though. She's too naive/unrealistic. He will never wake up on day and realize he's made a mess of things, and change. It's not going to happen. She says she realizes it, but I doubt it.

[DO NOT let your father drive your car! You'll end up with a lawsuit when he drives UT]

Want to hear something funny? I bought the car, it's in my name. Yet, he seems to think I am withholding it from him. If you are laughing, crying, or crying because you are laughing so hard, I don't doubt it. Anyway, there is something wrong with the gas line. It has one other issue, which can be taken care of, The point is, I don't want him driving it. As you said, when/if he hits someone, my ass will be grilled. Want to hear something else? I was talking with my mom a few days before all this happened. Depending on what my insurance settlement is, I might try to buy a car. Let's say they give me $10,000 because of all the issues I have had/do have with my head injuries. Although I know otherwise, and now my mom does, he supposedly got a job somewhere in a neighboring city. Due to the fact that I am not working right now(hopefully change in a few days), she will use the car I buy, while he uses her car. Oh, blackmail I say> Her response: whatever you want to call it. No wondering my brother never comes over, even when he was in rehab all those times. My immediate family is a joke. I buy the car, yet she has to use it so he can use hers. Really? It's no wondering I am strongly considering changing my last name to Bailey, for obvious reasons. Bailey brought me nothing but happiness, good times, and support. Although my mom has always supported me, all this other stuff really puts a hurt on all that. So, I think you can now understand why I am going to force her to make that choice. She says he's leaving, but I doubt it. Only time will tell, but I'm sure I already know; and sadly, I have never been wrong in this situation.

I think I will be lighting every candle in church today(I'm catholic), so that I hopefully increase my chances of getting that job. Call it divine intervention. That's probably the best way to put it. I'm hoping Bailey works a little magic too, and helps out his primary slave. I guess I'm just not one of the lucky ones, who live their life on East Street. What I did to deserve this, I will never know. I seem to think I was a mass-murderer in another lifetimes, or that someone overcooked God's dinner the day I was born(born at 10:09), and he was so pissed off he had to take it out on someone.

This whole thing would be a lot easier if Bailey were here. Yes, I have Daisy now and she is a great dog. When my mom and I left yesterday, I guess she was crying. That hurt, because I am starting to think I would rather have a dog then a date. She's slept cuddled up to me the last two nights, and she does not move. She will follow me around too. If I walk five feet then turn around twice, she will due the same. She snores too. I've never heard a dog snore before, and I mean really sawing wood. It's nice to have her here, but there will never be another Bailey.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 328
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/25/2018 11:38:45 AM
I've always understood. I just believe you can't force your mom to do what's right for her, and to concentrate on yourself. Your mom chooses to ignore this. He's playing her like a violin, but your mom is permitting and encouraging it. That phone call conversion you heard with your dad, it doesn't surprise me. His siblings are probably glad he's your mom's problem, and not theirs. Your dad is a liar and a fake.

I'm Catholic too. Say a prayer for your mom too, that she has the courage to throw your father out. She reminds me of alcoholics that haven't hit bottom yet, with regard to your father, but it may when he drives drunk and her car gets totaled or impounded, and she gets sued. Doesn't matter who is driving, everyone gets sued, and insurance goes up several hundred dollars for years. You should mention that to her. Letting him drive is like giving a child a loaded gun. Can she deal with being culpable when he injures or kills someone, because she will be partially to blame.

Don't do anything rash with regard to your father that will in turn ruin your life.

Yeah, some dogs snore☺ When you get frustrated at home, take Daisy for a walk, get a brush out and brush her. Distract yourself from your anger with your mom and dad.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 329
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/25/2018 8:00:28 PM
Aqua this is my perception of things and I think your looking at it the wrong way. Aren't reality and personality the same since ones reality is based on their personality?

{quote]I just believe you can't force your mom to do what's right for her,
Newyorker is right though I see the sentence this way. I just believe you can't force your mom to do what's right for "you," It's pretty much impossible to change her because in order to change her reality wouldn't you have to change her personality?


The reality is he will NEVER change.

No he never will since his reality is based on drinking above all else and sees no reason to change and never has hence all the failed rehabs.


I don't quite know how to put this, but her reality is a fantasy.

No her reality is very real to her and you see it as a fantasy. Of course it's a fantasy because we know he will never change. For whatever reason her personality developed in such a way that she truly believes he will change.


I got chewed out today because I am keeping MY car from him,

Should I assume your mom had a part in this? They both know you hate him with a passion yet they think you should lend him your car. Talk about oblivious realities. Of course there's no reason to lend him or her your car. As for the blackmail fine she can stay home from work so he can use her car to go nowhere. Her plan is not your plan and she should know it. It just baffles me why he needs a cellphone.


As I said: the plan was for him to come home, get a job, and start paying my mom back. That was the plan, but it wasn't HIS plan.

You knew from the start he would fail, why couldn't your mom see that. This has been going on for a long time (40 years?) with always the same solution, take him back with always the same result, he never changes.

You're going to think I'm fucked in the head and I am, so i'll say it. You have to accept this situation as it is and work around it as you have been doing and planning. You've been trying to change her way of thinking about this and nothing has worked though you can keep on trying. Are you thinking it's impossible to accept this. Actually it's easier than trying to get your mother to change her reality. You have to accept he's a drunk, your mom will always take him in and you'll always be pissed off, nothing is going to change that. What might acceptance do for you, hell if I know. It's just the way I see it.


So, I think you can now understand why I am going to force her to make that choice.

I don't understand why. What will it accomplish? Will it relieve your anger? Will it change the situations? What will it do for you?

I'll work on that "happily ever after" but it might take a bit, my concentration is off.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 330
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/29/2018 4:12:52 PM
[I've always understood. I just believe you can't force your mom to do what's right for her, and to concentrate on yourself]

I'm glad you understand, but sometimes I got the feeling that you didn't. That's probably just my POV though. My mom goes to a support group every Tuesday, and usually calls me on the way home. Apparently she has made a decision. He apparently got a job a few days ago(hard for me to believe). I guess my mom is still intent on having him move out. In her words: she's going to give him a few weeks, and if he doesn't due as the original "plan" was, then she is done. The problem is he always thinks he is calling the shots, which is what I believe will happen here. He supposedly got his job, and unless my mom lets him stay, he will take his paycheck and ditch. That's what I know will happen. In her words; the only way he will ever attempt to repair the relationship he has with me(who wants nothing to do with him) and my brother(who has threatened if he every comes anywhere near his house, he will call the police). If he chooses to remain adamant/blackmail my mom, that will make it clear he cares only for himself. At which point my mom will file for divorce, which she may do anyway. Enough has been done, and although I am making it seem like his presence is only making me miserable, it apparently is doing her worse.

[I'm Catholic too. Say a prayer for your mom too, that she has the courage to throw your father out. She reminds me of alcoholics that haven't hit bottom yet, with regard to your father, but it may when he drives drunk and her car gets totaled or impounded, and she gets sued.]

Funny you mention this. There was a problem today, because my mom told him he couldn't use her car while she was at lunch/take her back to work, and "get X for her". He got upset with that, and started blaming us for his problems/all the damage he's done. It really is pathetic. In all honestly, she was completely justified. He's been drinking, it's her car, he can't be trusted, etc. I seem to think she has "battered wife syndrome". She keeps buying his crap: that he's sorry, it won't happen again, etc. No, it's not been physical. However, he was arrested for domestic violence in 2015. She also says it's all about the money/him paying her back for blowing her retirement, detroying my credit rating, etc. He accepts none of that responsibility. Never has, and never will.

[Can she deal with being culpable when he injures or kills someone, because she will be partially to blame.]

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I almost killed myself twice because of all this. I say no way out, and couldn't take it anymore. Once was just thinking I would swallow all my epilepsey medication. The other was doing the same thing, but when I was alone at my Grandma's house(after being chased out because of him). Do you know what/who stopped me? Bailey. I often wonder how she would have reacted if I would have gone through with it. I know my grandma would never forgive him in a million years. If my grandpa were here, he probably would have killed him. Would she have forgiven him, or would she never forgive him(and herself) for her first-born killing himself because of all this? I seem to think she would forgive him. I also think he would no accept responsibility, even though I would make it quite clear he was the reason I did this in the note I started to write.

If you're wondering, I did't get the job. At this point, I may have no choice but to go back to school. I understand about the life-long student thing, but the whole relationship thing most likely isn't going to happen. I'll die alone, a virgin(unless I pay for it). I may not be personally happy, but probably professionally happy.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 331
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/29/2018 4:41:58 PM
I understand, but may not always agree with your take on things, because I'm not in your position of being emotionally involved, and I don't have a personal agenda. And then my motto is, (to use Rise's name) Rise Above This, so I don't want to baby you, but want to support you with moving forward.

I don't know your mom to say if she believes anything she says. All of this I want to help him business to get my money back, that could be an excuse to take him back for a possible reconciliation. She's getting up there in age, and maybe has some insecurities about being without him. Her decisions are definitively emotional, so that's why they don't make sense. Emotional decisions are the downfall of women.

You had mentioned trying to commit suicide, but I don't recall you attributing it to what goes on with your dad. Certainly living with an alcoholic will turn a house upside down. You do know that sometimes these suicide attempts leave people maimed, in a wheelchair or brain dead, but alive? Next counseling appt, you should tell your therapist that you need to focus on coping skills while your dad is still there or as long as you live there. You need survival skills. Life is a jungle.

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the job. I'm not saying don't go back to school, just that you are going to go back into this revolving door of learning instead of going out into the world and experiencing. I see going back to school as a lateral move.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 332
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/29/2018 7:26:52 PM
[{quote]I just believe you can't force your mom to do what's right for her,
Newyorker is right though I see the sentence this way. I just believe you can't force your mom to do what's right for "you," It's pretty much impossible to change her because in order to change her reality wouldn't you have to change her personality]

I agree with you, but I think she is finally getting fedup with the whole situation. The real issue is that I don't want to wait. In her words, "things will work out on their own". Meaning give it time, and he will be out of here. The issue is I don't want to wait. I want him gone yesterday. Read my post above: apparently the people at he meeting/support group have finally smacked some sense into her. Whether or not this holds up is anyone's guess. If you ask me, I would say no. Hopefully I get a surprise though.

[No her reality is very real to her and you see it as a fantasy. Of course it's a fantasy because we know he will never change. For whatever reason her personality developed in such a way that she truly believes he will change.]

This is true, but as I mentioned above; I think she might finally be coming back to reality. Although this is nothing I haven't heard before, and am not holding my breather that she actually sticks to her words. It would be nice if she actually stuck to her words for once.

[Should I assume your mom had a part in this?]

Not yesterday, but there have been arguments in the past. I want to get a new car, and the dealership might give me a little break if I give them the car for the parts, etc. Yet, I have to "hold onto it", for the purpose of him using it/taking it back-and-forth to one of his numerous jobs. If I say no, then an argument ensues. If I said I wanted to junk the car for cash, I'd have to hold onto it so he can use it. See how ridiculous this is? Why the hell should it be my responsibility? No, the car isn't great. It gets me to the gym and around the area though. I am looking to get rid of it. If things would have gone according to plan for me, I would have ditcheed it a long time ago. Why is it my responsibility to make things nice for him?

[You knew from the start he would fail, why couldn't your mom see tha]

Would have bet my life on it, and when it comes to him/this situation, I have never been wrong. I think she knew it would happen, but didn't want to see it. I told her she looked at the whole situation with a distorted vision. She might see the guy when he was "normal", but to be honest, he was always the way he is now(just not as bad). He was always a drinker, always "me, me, me, me". That's the whole fantasy thing I am talking about. She doesn't understand that people change, which he obviously has(not for the better). My brother, I, and the rest of my family know the story, and it won't change. She won't see, because she doesn't want to see. She might be changing her view right now, but we will see.

Although I have accepted that things will not change, that still bugs me. Even if my mom does pull away, he will make it so hard on her that she will have no choice. I asked her if this is what she wants for the rest of her life. He has largely taken you away from your grandkids, your oldest son wants to leave and never come back, etc. That's obviously not what I or anyone else wants for her, but she isn't really helping the situation. There was this guy in the park we used to walk Bailey in. His name was Dennis. He worked at NASA, seemed like a good guy, etc. She even told me she looked him up(she works at the local court system). I told her she really missed the boat on Dennis. That's probably the biggest problem I have in all of this. He continues to push her around, and I don't like it. She may let him get away with his shit, but there is no way in hell I will let it slide.

Went to get a root canal done yesterday. Was thinking it would hurt. Now I am missing the second last tooth in the back of my mouth. I wasn't expecting to lose a tooth.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 333
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/30/2018 10:26:37 PM
Aqua I'm sorry I can't respond to your post because I realised last night after reading your post to Newyorker that I had fucked up and made one motherfucker of a mistake. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to write this and came to this conclusion. Since you've been so open and honest with me I've come to the conclusion it would be easier if I did the same so you have some idea of how I got to this fucking point. I'll start with this.

251
Rise, you are really starting to worry me.

Aqua it's time to worry.

I'll mend myself before it gets me

It begins in 1993 when my wife told me something so upsetting it activated my bipolar though it didn't kick into full force until a year later. I say activated because after all was said and done I was told it had been dormant for 17 years. It was because of this I learned to accept things I could not change. It took 18 months, 2 suicide attempts and 3 trips to the psych ward to come to the realisation I would be alone for the rest of my life and I accepted it. I also had to accept something else. I work exclusively with guys and all my friends were guys and I learned men have little tolerance for mental illness and somehow they found out I tried to kill myself. All my friends abandoned me and I became a bit of an outcast at work. I accepted it. So much for a social life. My memory is fucked up right now but I think I've got these years right. I ended up going to the psych ward in 1997, 1999, 2001, 2004 and 2006 before I was able to create enough coping skills that would help me deal with my illness. I worked out of town so it wasn't possible to see a therapist, join a support group or doing anything else to help me with my illness. It was during this time I began to think abstractly about psychology and developed the coping skills I have. One was for racing thoughts. I had them from the time I first got sick until 2010 when I woke up one morning and they had stopped.

Now I shared some of this on a thread and it's the reason I asked you how much time you spent alone. In 2008 I was hurt at work and couldn't leave my apartment for a couple months. My mom stayed with me but she is a difficult women and I sent her home which is a nice way of saying I kicked her out. Spending time alone wasn't a problem since I had already taught myself the coping skill to deal with it. Then something new came along. In May of 2009 I went to see the doctor and had a panic attack in the waiting room. I had developed an anxiety about being around groups of people. Medications didn't work so suffice to say I stayed home alone. Other than going to work (people i knew) or visiting my mom I never went out and still don't. Of course I developed a coping skill which allowed me to be around people for short periods of time. Hopefully I've remembered the content of these two paragraphs right. It's hard to think because I now have racing thoughts and right now they are blasting through my head at an incredible speed.

Another thing i learned over the years was the importance of distraction. If I kept my mind occupied it it negated the effects of depression completely. Of course once my mind wasn't fully occupied with something depression would again cast a shadow over me. It amounted to temporary relief. It's the reason I first came to the forums. It distracted me completely. I never stayed around long just enough to get me over the stumbling blocks in my life.

I'll mend myself before it gets me.

I came back to the forums in june, 2017 and this is the longest I've ever stayed. It was at that time out of the blue a thought entered my head that shocked the living fuck out of me for i thought I had vanquished it. Now I had figure out the reason it happened and find the coping skill to deal with it. Now this thought was intermittent so I had time to do this. What I had to do was find the answer to a problem that usually has no solution. I'd have to do this even though the problem was a motherfucker. By the way when I joined it was with a different name and I can't remember what the hell it was.

I'll mend myself before it gets me

This is what happened to fuck things up beyond belief. A couple of days ago a thread was created called "Learning how to be happy alone." It was about being lonely and loneliness. From that I realised despite the amount of time I spend alone I never feel lonely nor suffer from loneliness. In your post to Newyorker you said "I'll die alone" it dawned on me that I had wasted 15 fucking months thinking being alone was the cause of the problem and I was working on a coping skill to reinforce my acceptance of spending the rest of my life alone. What a colossal fucking mistake.

I'll mend myself before it gets me

Those seven words above are my mantra and come from a song titled Rise Above This. Last january I deleted my other profile and created this one because it better reflected my state of mind because my problem was now encroaching on my mind on a daily basis. The problem is "The Infinite Sadness" which this song is about. Five days later you created this thread Aqua. Now this was one motherfucker of a coincidence and the reason I say I crashed into this thread. It's also the reason I say I knew what you needed when Bailey Passed away. This is from the first post.


I've called his name out numerous times.


This is the chorus from Rise Above This

Call your name everyday,
when I feel so helpless.
I've fallen down
but I'll rise above this,
rise above this.

The song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WhJIdwS52U

It's meaning
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rise_Above_This

Because of the job I do I am red flagged for anything to do with my mental illness. I cannot seek treatment because if that happens they are required to tell my employer about it and I will be taken off the job. This would mean I need to occupy my mind an additional 40 hours a week. Not sure I can do that. It's also the only place I interact with people. Finally it would be devastating financially. If I had to deal with this it would only feed "The Infinite Sadness" and move me in the wrong direction. so I don't want to hear get help or anything similar. They are meaningless words to me because I've always dealt with my fucked up life alone and as i just explained seeking treatment would be disastrous.

What I need is for our conversation to continue and for you and Newyorker to provide me with something I've never had. A different point of view because mine is fucked due to the racing thoughts. I can't tell you what to do or look for because I've never had this before.

I hope this explanation isn't to fucked up since it wasn't easy to write because it increased my depression. As it always does it will have receded when I wake up. Sleeping won't be a problem I hope because I've been awake 38 hours. Aqua I want to thank you for sustaining me. If you hadn't have come along these past 8 months would have been fucking impossible.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 334
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/31/2018 12:10:01 AM
Rise, the thoughts you've expressed to Aqua have always seemed rational.

Can't you pay out of pocket and see a psychiatrist not associated with your job? You really need meds with being bi-polar. Your quality of life must be horrendous.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 335
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/31/2018 10:48:31 PM
To start with my meds are working otherwise this would have made me sick already. I was never one to lie or anything like that because of my conscience. Would cost to much and I can't imagine it would happen. There's not enough psychiatrists here anyways.

THis is the reason I made that post. I said I was up 38 hours, I made it to forty. I've always gotten sick gradually except in 2006 when I got sick in a week, I developed a sleep disorder that caused me to stay awake for a long time. Last time it happened was 3 or 4 years ago, I was awake for 90 hours. I worked 48 of them and no one noticed because I don't zombie out. Considering my mental state it would have been a disaster if I stayed up a long time. That post was the only way I could think of to stop it. It worked.

My life is pathetic but I accept it because some things you can't change. I've already accepted things for the future. When my mom's dies I'll have no reason to go out on my days off. And when I retire and when she dies I'll have no reason to go out. I'll basically live in total isolation. I accepted those. This part of my life has been about accepting things I can't change.

As I said when I get sick it's usually gradual and I won't notice if the things I say turn irrational. What you and Aqua will be doing is watching for a sign of my bipolar kicking in.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 336
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/1/2018 3:29:55 AM
I can appreciate you saying you're living a life of acceptance.

I met a bi-polar person online once. She would rapidly and suddenly send me 20 e-mails, I suppose at times when she was feeling manic.

I don't have to tell you how unhealthy it is to not sleep. That can make a person irrational. Isolating oneself isn't healthy. I wouldn't be telling your mom that your plans are to let your life disintegrate when she passes. I'm sure she's already worried about you. Don't you have a sibling, a sister, that offers you any solace?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 337
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/1/2018 4:46:34 AM
Like I said I've never shared any of my miserable life with anyone. My family knows very little about how it affects and when it is affecting me and I never talk with them about it. My mom will never know about my life, she doesn't need to. One of the first things I taught myself was to behave normally around people when depression was kicking my ass or my bipolar was coming around. Normal for me is slightly depressed and for the last 8 months it's been more for obvious reasons. This is where distraction comes in. I try to keep my mind occupied with other things which helps keep my depression at bay. Yes 20 emails is manic however manic is rare for me now, I think it's because of my lifestyle
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 338
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/1/2018 5:28:19 AM
Mothers know their children. She sees your struggles.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 339
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/2/2018 5:25:09 AM

The issue is I don't want to wait. I want him gone yesterday.

I imagine you've wanted a lot of things over the years including him dead. You have no choice but to wait. This has been going on all your life so you have no choice but to accept the fact there is no time limit. You say your mother is changing her mind well than encourage her to complete her plan when you talk with her but you have to do it without anger. This anger permeates your posts. The reason I say that is because you are repeating yourself.

You've shared the reasons she is letting him stay there but I still think it has to do with conscience and probably the guilt it would cause her. Do you realise if she kicks him out he would be homeless? Ask her. It's impossible to know what she's thinking despite what she says.

330
If he chooses to remain adamant/blackmail my mom, that will make it clear he cares only for himself.


He accepts none of that responsibility. Never has, and never will.

Is it because of your anger that you contradicted yourself in the same post? You know it's the second sentence that is true and have known it for a long time. He has never taken responsibility for his actions and never will.


Although I have accepted that things will not change, that still bugs me.

No you haven't. If that were true I think it would have lessened some of your anger. When you go to the gym while you're exercising is this situation on your mind constantly every time? You're a guy, do you even notice the hot women working out there? Is there anytime you get relief from thinking about it? I can't imagine there are many.

That post 333 of mine was actually partially written when you he first returned home. Your anger was so all encompassing that I consider posting it to diffuse your anger. It was only one paragraph long. It began with "Those seven words" and ended with the link to the meaning of my name. As you see my mistake led me to write it.

Sorry this post is so badly written but the racing thoughts are getting in the way. Later in the day I'm picking up an ounce of pot because it's the only way to actually stop them. When I'm stoned I don't give a fuck about my situation. When you next talk about yourself I'll look st those previous posts again. Writing about "happily ever after" will have to wait.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 340
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/5/2018 12:49:33 PM
Rise, if i had the money I would fly you to Cleveland, and get you an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic. You can definetley benefit from help, as can all of us. I always thought that everyone else's life was such a picnic, compared to mine. In reality(and it took me a long time to realize this), everyone has their problems. Some are big and some are small, but everyone is dealing with something. Whether that is a pretty girl not liking something about herself, etc. I guess the important part is how you/they deal with it. Do they actively try to change it, or just be sad about it. I am thinking you are somewhere in the middle, as are most of us who have things to deal with. You may think so, but you're honestly not alone. As far as BEING alone for life, I have come to accept it. Dare I say I would even prefer it. If you ask me right now, I would rather have a dog then a date. A dog will love me unconditionally, just like Bailey did(and I assume Daisy is getting there). I don't have to worry about keeping her interested, feeling excited, the possibility that they will leave me for no other reason but getting bored with me, etc. It may seem like a massive negative, but for someone like me who has done it all his life(still have family), I don't know the difference. To be honest, I'm not even sure I want to find out the difference. I want to fly down to Miami with a friend to watch the Dolphins whenever I please, don't care to go out to loud bars, etc. Being alone is not a bad thing, and according to the movie "Ted"(the talking bear), you're never alone, when you're with Christ.

[ I had developed an anxiety about being around groups of people. ]

There is a psych term for this: agoraphobia; fear of groups and social situations. The idea is that people are afraid of groups in somewhat contained spaces, in which they determine there may be no way out. Believe it or not, it's somewhat common. I won't say I have it, but I have always considered myself to be social akward. I'm obviously not like that at the gym, since I know everyone; if not by name, then by face. However, throw me in a loud bar and you'll be lucky if I even talk. This is partly due to my hearing issue, but maybe I use that as an excuse. I'd like to think I sometimes give the impression that I am a stone cold killer. I act very uninterested, and show little emotion. As far as I know, women love there tough guys. Although I am not trying to attract anyone, you might argue that I am doing my best to push people away/show them that I am not interested. Being social akward isn't uncommon, so don't think you are the only one.

[ecause of the job I do I am red flagged for anything to do with my mental illness. I cannot seek treatment because if that happens they are required to tell my employer about it and I will be taken off the job]

To me, this screams of discrimination. Does it impact your ability to do the job? If it does, then that is to be understood. If not, then this would be a problem here in America. The other issue is being red-flagged. Is there no laws about doctor-patient confidentiality in Canada? Those friends that deserted you when you started developing issues are not friends. A real friend would have stuck by you, and supported you. Anything they could have done to help you would have proven them to be called a friend, but that is not what happened. You don't need people like that in your life. You deserve better.

It's funny you mention that song, "Rise Above This". The book that I am starting to write is actually titled "Rise Above It". That is based on a short song I heard in a movie once. Did you ever see the movie "Cool Runnings? It's about a bunch of black guys from Jamaica, in a white-man's sport(olympic bobsledding). At one point in the movie, one of the black guys asked the other why they are hated so much. His response: we're difference, everyone is afraid of what's different. I never forgot that, and I have always lived by that. I'm a bit of a different person: I don't drink that much, obviously have hearing issues, etc. That's pretty much my assumption of why dating/relationships are out of the question for me. I'm not your average guy. I enjoy things that average guys don't, and don't enjoy the things that they do. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V5djr1Y43Y

Just remember that you are fine the way you are. Everyone has some shit to deal with. That's what makes us different, and diferent is a good thing.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 341
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/6/2018 5:16:20 AM
Sorry Aqua but I'm sick. Guys at work think it's bronchitis or pneumonia. I've never had either so I don't know. I'll reply thursday night. Let me know how the situation at home is going.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 342
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/8/2018 8:45:08 AM
My employer has always treated me fairly and accommodated my illness. They also have very definitive rules about discrimination and harassment. In order to accommodate me I have to share my medical history with them so they can judge that I'm fit to work. It's a government regulation for my type of work. Either I share my history or the government says I can't work there. I don't have any privacy issues with it. It's only medical history.

There was a thread created about "Learning to be happy while being alone" and from it I realised I never feel lonely nor experience loneliness despite all the time I spend alone. Never thought about it before and it seems so strange I don't. Yes, accepting that you will be alone wouldn't be hard for you since you live your life mainly that way. Actually you probably wouldn't even have thought about it if I hadn't have brought it up.

I still getting over sick and so i'm going to stop here. To me what happened is a glitch in my amour and I just have to start over and find out why that thought obscures me. I hope you take in that Dolphins game when things get settled and hopefully it's not as boring as the Eagles-Falcons was. Any job prospects on the horizon?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 343
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/12/2018 1:57:28 PM
Damn, you must really have stuff going on. Take care of yourself, and come back when you can. What you're describing to me about your employer's need to accomodate you being a law sounds a lot like the Americans with Disabilities Act down here. Employers are required to provide accomodations for their workers, or else they will be held legally accountable. That can and does land them in a shitload of trouble. I'm wondering about sharing your entire history with them. I would think you'd need to share some, but not all. Since you already are employed there, I would think they would need to make things right for you, or find you another role in the company you work for. They can't ditch you because you have issues out of your control going on.


Take care of yourself, and we can talk later
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 344
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/13/2018 3:44:46 AM
Well I think I'm finally becoming unsick. I hope. Up here it's easy to deal with a Human Rights complaint and all you have to do is write a letter to our Human Rights Commission. It's a government agency and if they accept the complaint it doesn't cost the person anything. My company has actually accommodated me Completely. I don't think I mentioned this, in 2006 I developed a sleep disorder which activated my bipolar and made me sick. This disorder causes me not to sleep. It's pretty regular for me to stay awake for two nights. Last time it went extreme was 3 or 4 years ago and I was awake for 90 hours. When it happened for the third time I knew I couldn't run machines anymore because it wouldn't work to well running a 30 ton machine while being awake 40 to 60 hours. The company wondered too. I got a conference call which included the top two medical people with the company. They didn't know what to do about me but I already knew the answer. I told them I wouldn't run equipment on a regular basis and that was what they wanted to hear. I was back at work in a week. They try to accommodate everyone. To get fired by this company you have to screw up in a major way. Oh they don't know my whole history (some stories you never share) and must figure things are going good because they haven't asked for a medical report in over two years.

Now I'm wondering how things are going for you. Hopefully something positive has happened. I'll write that "happily ever after" post this weekend and hopefully i can keep it short. Newyorker hasn't been on here in about ten days. Hopefully nothings happened.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 345
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/17/2018 8:45:26 PM
Glad you're feeling better. Will post again tomorrow
 _Rise_Above_This_
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/20/2018 3:53:24 AM
I'm sorry Aqua but "happily ever after" is beyond me right now. My concentration and memory keep getting in the way and I'm still sick after two weeks. Another problem is my concept of "happily ever after," to me it's the length of a novel and I have to shorten it down to a 1000 word essay. Not easy to do since to me it begins with religion.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/24/2018 3:06:35 PM
[I'm sorry Aqua but "happily ever after" is beyond me right now. My concentration and memory keep getting in the way and I'm still sick after two weeks. Another problem is my concept of "happily ever after," to me it's the length of a novel and I have to shorten it down to a 1000 word essay. Not easy to do since to me it begins with religio]

You're still sick? Have you gone to the doctor, or got help in some other way? You've been dealing with this for a while, so I am starting to worry about you. The mental health issues you speak of are also a concern of mine. I know you said you are out of town a lot, but you nee to seek help some other way. You deserve to be in good health.

A bit of an update from me: he's now made it quite clear he's the same prick he always was/has been/will be. I've gotten into it with him quite a bit when my mom is not around. Funny thing is he's always the one who starts it. Like last Tuesday. I noticed my car was gone, so I have no choice but to conclude he's up to no good/out drinking. I took Daisy on a walk, and made a phone call. He was home when I got home, and I just asked him where he went. It got pretty heated. He eventually apologized, and admitted he should have told me. This past Saturday was more of the same. I threw a full glass of iced tea at him. Now my mom realizes she ****ed up......again. I'm not living like this anymore. My therapist wants me to move out, which would be possible when I get my insurance settlement and buy a small car. Obviously I am still trying to get a real job, but I am getting busy with tutoring. Told him I would gladly trade him in for Bailey, no questions asked. Did't go over well, at least with him. My niece's christening in early next month. That will be very interesting. My mom's 60th birthday is Sunday. My brother and I have reserved a party room at a restaurant for a small family gathering. He's not invited, and my mom knows this and agrees with it. If only Bailey were here. He would have kicked him ass already.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 348
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 9/25/2018 5:44:29 PM
Damn something has to go right for you eventually. Why would you have to buy a small car? Yes moving out is the best solution for you and needs to happen as soon as it's possible. I'm guessing he's not working and sits at home all the time.

I'm done being sick finally. Situation is the same though. In two weeks I see my psychiatrist and that will be a challenge. Not sure if I mentioned this. He roughly said to me one time "Mr. A with all the time you spend alone I can't understand why you haven't gone insane"
Well now I can tell him that despite all the time I spend alone I've never felt lonely or experienced loneliness. I also have this to tell him.
I stopped talking to the guys at work last week. Unless they talk with me I don't say anything. The idea is to practice for retirement since once I do I won't have anyone to talk with. Like fuck I'm going to mention the situation to him.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 349
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/4/2018 12:13:48 PM
Glad to hear you are doing better Rise. Hope you enjoyed your summer, because it is soon to get cold for both of us.

[Damn something has to go right for you eventually. Why would you have to buy a small car? Yes moving out is the best solution for you and needs to happen as soon as it's possible. I'm guessing he's not working and sits at home all the time.]

Eventually, something might go right. As of right now, I don't see much actually working out. I was finally able to settle things with the insurance company. It's not "break the bank" money, but it's much more than the average for the type of accident I was in. Oddly enough, the goof is working. I still can't stand him though. Even if his is "trying", I don't buy it. There have been enough blow-ups between the two of us. Getting out of here is the best option; we both agree on that. If I were "normal", I'd have a real job/career that the now-useless Master's degree was supposed to get me. Bailey and I would have moved into those condos a long time ago, etc. If things would have gone for me as they do for everyone else, I would not be dealing with this crap. What's going to be interesting is Sunday. My niece's christening is Sunday, and he is not invited. The drunk doesn't know about it yet, but I'm sure it will get interesting/heated. I told him once that my brother might not let him see his kids unless he moves to a "sober house" or lives on his own. His response was that it didn't matter. I made sure my brother knew that. I have made it my life's work to make sure he pays for what he has done. There's no "let's be one happy family" this time.

[. He roughly said to me one time "Mr. A with all the time you spend alone I can't understand why you haven't gone insane]

A very good question. Why haven't you gone nuts? Some people handle being alone better then others.. In the case of people like us, I think we have come to accept it, and rather then go nuts, we try and deal with it. Although I think I can understand why your doctor asked you that question. Think about guys in prison who are in solitary confinement. People consider that to be torture, since it deprives us of human contact. I'm thinking that is what he meant.

[I stopped talking to the guys at work last week. Unless they talk with me I don't say anything. The idea is to practice for retirement since once I do I won't have anyone to talk with. Like **** I'm going to mention the situation to him.]

I'm not sure I agree with this. I know you told me these are the same guys that did you wrong, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to talk to them; I just wonder if that is a smart move. You don't want to alienate yourself. There's also the possibility you end up in hot water because of it. From what you told me, I don't blame you for not talking to them unless they talk to you. How are you passing the time at work if you aren't talking to these guys?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 350
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/4/2018 9:01:33 PM

Hope you enjoyed your summer, because it is soon to get cold for both of us.

Here for the past 10 days it's been around 40 degrees with some sickeningly windy days. I happen to work outside.

You know your dad is in it for himself and the job may just be a way to by more booze.


the now-useless Master's degree

It's not useless it's just being unused. It is what can get you out of that house the fastest and then you can work on your future. You have to admit your stressed out being there with him and the only thing that will change that is for you to accomplish your present goals.

As for insane. my doctor meant exactly that because I'm bipolar.

They don't realise I'm not starting any conversations. as for getting in trouble it won't happen. I'm listed as mentally disabled on my employee profile and it makes them second guess how they deal with me. My employer has a wicked anti-harassment/discrimination policy

Sorry I didn't right much. I had a psychiatrist appointment but it got cancelled and pushed back,,, three months. Now I can't ask him why I don't feel lonely despite the amount of time I spend alone. Probably have to figure that one out myself.
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