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 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 351
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 15 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
What are the chances something has gone right for you. I'm curious how do you spend your spare time since you have a lot of it. I know about the gym and tutoring but what else do you do. A lot of the things I do are meaningless and just a distraction. I read a lot on the forums but seldom participate. What are you doing about the tattoo?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 352
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/15/2018 5:50:47 PM
Hey Rise, sorry for the delay. Those cold days I mentioned caught up with me. I took Daisy on a walk to the park the other day, mistakenly in shorts. I froze, and the next few days found myself looking at the ceiling most of the time(sick)

[It's not useless it's just being unused. It is what can get you out of that house the fastest and then you can work on your future. You have to admit your stressed out being there with him and the only thing that will change that is for you to accomplish your present goals.]

I guess you are right about that. I will say that there is a chance I get a psych-based gig at a local hospital; somewhere I have worked before. This time around I will have initials behind my name, like a lot of other professionals who work there. It would be great to end up there. I owe the place my life, and it's really the one place I have wanted to work. Maybe that degree and license will pay off after all. I guess that "useless" degree is being used in some way; since I teach others all I have learned when I am tutoring a student. You are right about it being incredibly stressful being here. If Bailey were here that would be one thing, but he's not. Daisy sure helps, but still. As I mentioned, I got my insurance settlement a few weeks ago. I have been looking around for cars, and think I found a nice SUV that is reasonably priced. My brother and I will be going to check it out this weekend, as I am keeping him out of it. He doesn't know I got in the accident, how much money I got/if any at all, etc. There is no reason for him to know anything. If I get the car, which is more-then-likely, it will get interesting. I am not allowing him to use it; no way, no how. I also told my mom that I will not allow her to take it to work, so she can use her car to go to his job. She seemed to agree with that, especially after he was a real ass this weekend. However, today she comes home and tells me that I need to get a car. She then springs on me that I should "consider" temporarily letting her take my new car to work every day, so he can take hers. It would be on a "temporary" basis. Yeah, right! As expected, and argument

[followed. I have no interest, and am not obligated to "help" him, when he is the reason I almost killed myself twice. Why should I "help" someone who threatened to kill me 5 times? Oh, it was the alcohol? That's a load of crap. The plan was for him to fix my old car, so that he could drive that. All of a sudden, that "can't" be fixed/he doesn't want to fix it. My therapist wants me to get a car and move to my grandma's. That's starting to become more of a possibility, as the one reason I would have to stay here is no longer here. Now I understand why my brother never comes around here; especially with his children. All-in-all. this family is truly a trainwreck.

[They don't realise I'm not starting any conversations. as for getting in trouble it won't happen. I'm listed as mentally disabled on my employee profile and it makes them second guess how they deal with me. My employer has a wicked anti-harassment/discrimination policy]

There is such a thing as confidentiality. On this side of the border, we have something called HIPPAA. I just can't see how it's legal to list any mental health issues on your employee profile for everyone to see. Your company might have a nasty discrimination policy, but that doesn't stop them from doing it and trying to hide it.

Will type more later.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 353
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/17/2018 3:55:24 AM
I guess you are feeling better since you wrote though I'm pretty sure you would have had a relapse if the Dolphins had blown that game against Chicago. Hopefully you get that job since you're obviously qualified and more importantly it's something you will enjoy. Another benefit is that you'll be busy and thoughts of that asshole are less likely to intrude. Of course moving out and away from that situation will be possible soon.

how does "it" get to work now? Your mom's car I'm thinking but then how does she get to work. I'm thinking once you buy that SUV that you pick up a bus pass for him. When they ask to borrow your vehicle give them the bus pass and the phone number for the transit system so he can find out what time the bus comes. Just a thought. Now I don't know if you're paying rent to your mom but if you're not that kind of works against you when it comes to borrowing your car. I don't know how your auto insurance works there but if you do let your mom use your SUV tell her she has to buy extra insurance to cover the replacement value if she gets in an accident. It's only fair. No reason for you to be put out if she has an accident.


My therapist wants to get a car and move to my grandma's.

What the hell do therapists know. Just kidding. Her advice is the same as mine and your world will be a whole lot brighter once this happens. I'm sure your grandma would love having you around. I guess I'll ask point blank and if you don't answer it's not a problem. How long have you been seeing your therapist and why?

Considering how long you've been dealing with this would you say you have reacted towards him the same throughout your life with anger and frustration? There's probably other emotions however I can't guess them all. Do you think your locked in a mindset (another term for it?) which results in you having always dealt with him the same way which accomplishes nothing? Ingrained in your personality maybe? Of course there is no need to change since the best option is have nothing to do with him. I can't imagine what your conversations must be like when you do have to interact. Your family isn't a train wreck when he's not around.

As for my "mental disability" that's all it says on my company profile. Only health and safety has access to my medical records and even they leave me alone now. They used to send requests for medical updates from my psychiatrist but haven't in 3 or 4 years. According to them I'm doing well. If they only knew. What's on my profile is only to give my bosses an idea that there is something wrong with me and they don't step over the line. None have yet. No i don't take advantage of it because I'm not that kind of person, however. I could have retired 4 years ago but didn't because if I did it would be the end of my social life. When guys ask me why I don't retire I tell them, "where else could I make this kind of money." Of course the real reason is the social life. Now this is the other reason no one knows. I have 6 more years and then I have to retire. I'm waiting for someone to fuck up so I can file that human rights complaint.

Today pot became legal in Canada and its kind of meaningless. Remember last June when I stopped posting, I started smoking it again and spend my days constantly stoned except for work. It doesn't keep those thoughts I mentioned at bay, it just makes me not give a fuck about them. I'm still searching for the reason they started. Hope to hear from you soon.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 354
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/19/2018 1:19:43 PM
Get back soon to you Rise. Phil Collins was last night, but I've been a little busy/under the weather
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 355
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/19/2018 9:03:55 PM
No problem, I have no where to go.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 356
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/24/2018 5:28:06 PM
[I guess you are feeling better since you wrote though I'm pretty sure you would have had a relapse if the Dolphins had blown that game against Chicago. ]

I hope you're proud of yourself Rise; I spit my iced-tea on Daisy after that one. Nice work! I probably would have lost is if they blew the game like they did with the Bungles. Thankfully, I am still in one piece. A lot of our guys are hurt, so it's not looking good. There's actually a pretty good chance I will get a job at a local hospital; the only place I really want to work. It would finally use that education and professional license. It would keep me busy, pay me well(hopefully), and help me get out of here ASAP. Funny you mention that ***hole. He drank pretty heavily all weekend long. As you can guess, things were absolute hell. I grabbed him from behind when he was carrying on and shoved his head into the wall. I will not stand for his shit at all. It really got ugly this weekend. My mom and I want him out/agree that it is not healthy for anyone for him to live at the house. She says she will be going to court to get some kind of order to keep him out, if he doesn't leave on his own. As I think I mentioned, he's taken the keys to my car(old one) and will not return them. It has to pass an E-check, which I doubt it will because it has a lot of issues. I was actually going to buy a car with my insurance money on Saturday, but was told it was sold that morning. I got an e-mail on Monday telling me that they made a mistake, and it was still available. That was before all this happened. I may need to money to give to my mom to file for divorce and get him out of the house. He carried on because he knows my mom doesn't have the money ti do anything. He doesn't know I was in the accident/got a settlement that would pay for anything. I may still buy the car(it's a smaller SUV/hybrid). If/when I do, then it will get interesting. My therapist wants me to get it, and move out. That way, I can't be tricked into letting him use it to get to work, or for my mom to use it so he can use her car to get to work when he's not drunk. I intend to rub it in real thick if/when I do get something new. I also am thinking about slashing the tires of the car he is driving. Nothing can happen to me. I can't get arrested for damaging my own car; paid for by me, title in my name, registered to me. On the other hand, he can get arrested for damaging one of my cars/the car I may buy. side from all that, I am praying I get a shot at the job. Like you said; it opens up a lot of possibilities. The sooner I can erase him from my life the better. My brother is forbidding him from seeing his kids, which I believe to be the right thing. He's still drinking, still being an ass, etc. He has no rite to see them. When I do finally move out, I plan to get a restraining order. I don't think it will matter to him. i've also though about what will happen when he dies. I can honestly say I won't be at the funeral. I'll pop in at the wake for ten minutes, walk up to him, whisper in his ears that "no you answer to go, and Bailey" and walk out. My mom seems to understand that I have every rite to do that.

[ow long have you been seeing your therapist and why? ] I've probably been seeing my therapist for just under one yer, if not a little more. I have self-esteem/self-worth issues, and he's obviously trying to help me figure out what to do about my current situation. I enjoy seeing him. Especially when I take myself to Dairy Queen for lunch after our session. He has helped me a lot. He is trying to get me to try and focus on myself. Not exactly to screw everyone else, and only worry about yourself, but to do what will make me happy.

As for my ways of dealing with him in the past, I can say that I have never been this angry. That's probably because I have gotten older. When I was obviously younger, there isn't much you can do. However, I am older now. I'm bigger, the gym has worked wonders for my muscles/strength, etc. I'm no bodybuilder, but I look good for a former fat kid(medication). I was also heavily bullied in my younger years. I'm a different person now, and I do not stand for it one second. Every time he is a**** I feel like I am back in grade school. Not to mention being reminded to all the things he has done. Mix all that together, and the result is how I react to him. If I could get away with it, I probably would have killed him by now. I probably wouldn't get away with it though. So,, getting older and stronger/bigger obviously changed the way I deal with him. I'm waiting for him to put his hands on something that belonged to Bailey; like Bailey's house pillow. The instant he does that, he doesn't have much time left. No, I'd prefer not to go to prison. However, he will be the only reason I end up there.

I'm glad to hear that your profile is kept to a minimum. Nobody has the right to know your personal business. Although I do understand that some people need to know that keep themselves and you safe, it should only go so far. The way you describe your profile seems to be just that. I can understand about retiring too. Although it does sound nice, what would you do with so much time on your hands? There will obviously come a time when you get tired of getting up in the morning and going to work, but it sounds like your are enjoying the fact you are still working at whatever age. I can also understand the social aspect to it as well, since the gym is just like that for me. People like us need to increase our social circles.

It's getting cold here in Cleveland. I can only imagine how bad it's getting for you.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 357
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 10/25/2018 4:55:02 AM

I hope you're proud of yourself Rise; I spit my iced-tea on Daisy after that one.

Proud??? Hell I'm beaming. lol On top of that my Red Sox are up 2 - 0 in the World Series. Now if only the Patriots would quit getting lucky.

I'm glad you're have a job in line and hopefully you do get it. As for pay, I would imagine the starting pay would be more than adequate to start since it does require your qualifications. Is it possible to tutor at night and on weekends? That money would go a long ways to getting you out of there. Is there a reason you can't move to your grandmothers now? I'm sure she'd enjoy your company.

As for him I'm going to offer suggestions but that's easy to do since I don't have to act on them. Considering your car, cancel the registration if you're not using it and tell him so in front of your mom or another witness. If you do that and he should drive it knowingly without insurance, it may be considered theft since he would know it's not registered. Now as for him living there I imagine he's not paying any rent so change the locks. A lot cheaper than a lawyer. Finally he came out of rehab so he shouldn't be drinking period. The solution as far as I'm concerned is simple. Talk to your mom and declare her house alcohol free. Dump any alcohol in the house out. If he brings more dump it out soon as he puts the bottle down. Wait till he's out of the room so he gets a big surpise when he comes back. Might be an incentive for him to move elsewhere if all his booze is ending up down the drain. What's he going to do about it, call the cops? As for the restraining order don't bother it's not worth the expense or time for now. He won't come near you and that's pretty much guaranteed I would think. Honestly would you want to go near someone who banged your head against the wall?

Well your therapist is right of course and life will look a lot brighter when you move out. I can't imagine though I can understand the effect this is having on you. It's been going on your whole life but now you're able to deal with him as an adult. I think this happens to most people when dealing with a problem. When you're not occupied doing anything as in your mind is neutral I'll call it does your mind begin to fill with thoughts of him and the things that piss you off. Lonely would be an example of this since it is an emotion that I wouldn't consider it conscious thought and it generally occurs when a person is doing nothing or anything that requires minimal thought. When Bailey passed this is the reason I encouraged you to do things which would distract you from grieving constantly.

Because of my thoughts distraction is a constant for me. I don't let my mind rest ever to keep those thoughts at bay. As for it overcoming me it isn't going to happen for this reason. When I tried to kill myself before all my emotions shut down except for those directly associated with sadness and depression. Was that the way it was for you? I'll just mention anger still occurs though it only happens when I'm reading the forums. The bullshit some of the people on here spew is ridiculous. The best example would be someone who basically claimed women were lining up to purchase positive pregnancy tests to deceive men. THe forums is a big distraction for me so I won't stop reading it anytime soon

As for focusing on yourself I'm wondering if you're like me. I put other people before myself when I'm not sick. Difficult to change ones thinking though I'm sure you'll be able to do it. You've been dealing with this all your life so you know the cause and the solution which will help. Will be easier once you get away from the asshole.

My profile is minimal and hidden because I don't ever expect to meet another woman. I can't right profile worth a crap anymore and don't keep my bipolar a secret when meeting someone. Chances of my meeting a woman who understands and can deal with it are slim to non existent. I think I mentioned I don't experience loneliness and it's been over nine years since my phobia began which is good thing considering my thought.


It's getting cold here in Cleveland. I can only imagine how bad it's getting for you.

You're a funny guy. I don't think I mentioned I work outside. Actually it's been nice for about a week hovering around 50 degrees. At night though it's been 10 to 15. It can and probably will get to -40 without windchill though that is rare.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 358
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/1/2018 6:55:29 PM
Rise,

I think I have finally blown my stack with him. It has now been two weekends in a row in which he has drank and been a complete ***hole. He was being such a****two weeks ago, I went behind him and shoved him into the wall. The following week was as expected; the house was like a morgue. Nobody talked when he was around. Last weekend was no better. He drank all weekend. Something happened to my mom's car at the gas station. He took his time getting there, and there was a big blowup....in public no less. It's just insane.

Fast forward to now. My mom has told him that he needs to leave/go live in a "sober living" place. He's done that twice already, and you see how well those worked out. My mom would always complain that he never went to a real sober house. There were no rules, requirements, too much freedom, etc. This afternoon, she told me he said(and she apparently understood) that she doesn't blame him from wanting to go to a house owned by a guy that runs real "sober living" places. There are rules, responsibilities, etc. I've always said she was like a pancake at IHOP. This just confirms it.

Now, he blackmails her with his paycheck. I will continue to work and help with bills if I get what I want. What he doesn't know is I got in that car accident, and I did get settlement money. How much I got? Well, we will just bluff him on that. So, my mom told me about a text he sent her this afternoon. He is asking to stay until the end of the year to "save money". We both know that is a lie. Even if he did live in an apartment, he's have too much freedom. Freedom is not a good thing for him. He needs a structured environment, in which he knows what is expected of him. Back to my idea: I told my mom that I would pay for everything now, and that he could pay me back. She was onboard with that idea. However, my brother laid into me stating that I should not spend a dime on him. I tend to agree. Why should I give him a dime, when all he has done is cause myself and my mom misery? I will chip in for the $100/week 'sober house", but nothing beyond that. It's not my responsibility.

As I mentioned in previous posts, he is driving my old beat-up car. He's taking it to his job, and other places; one of which we know is the liquor store. I had a conversation with the local police department this evening. Due to the fact that the car was purchased to me, my name is on the title and the registration, it is by-law mine. According to them, if he will not give it back to me, they can come to the house and force him to give it to me. If he "can't find it" or "locks it in the car", they will arrest him for theft. They can also force my mom to give me the title of the car, so I can sell it for a few hundred to a junk yard. I will then gather all my belongings and move to my grandma's. Here's the interesting part: I was going to buy a used SUV on Wednesday. I didn't get the chance to test it, but it is still available. Let's say I call the cops. The whole point of that is to take away his freedom. My mom needs him to work? Fine; she can take him and pick him up. The car gives him access, freedom to go to the liquor store, etc. Once I take that away, which the law says I can; he has no freedom. If he leaves, then he can keep it until the temporary tag runs out and he gets another car somehow. They destroyed my once-excellent credit score, so they really own me.

So, I really have a bullet-proof plan. He can't claim it's going to cost too much. As much as I shouldn't spend my money on him, I may have to. If he won't leave, he will have to know that my mom will file for divorce, and I can pay for that. Additionally, there is still money for bills after. So, his only bargaining chip(his paycheck) is off the table. If he puts up a stink about staying, I call the cops, he's forced to give me my key back(and my mom the title), and I buy my new car and move to my grandma's. Additionally, I just happen to mention to my mom that I have had enough of this. She knows I intend to cut him out of my life, but because of all this I am now done with you. If I ever get married, have children, or anything like that, she will have to find out from my brother.

Nothing ever changes around here if I don't step in. My mom is too weak to do it, and my brother doesn't want anything to do with it. Why would he? So, I really have a bullet-proof plan. I realize there could be repercussions for me, but I am sick of having to worry about what he will do next, arguing with my mom about the whole thing, etc. I can't shut my mind off, so I am always thinking of it. As you know, I studied psychology. I know what will happen before it happens. I might be going to the extreme here, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

The family is a trainwreck, and I deserve better. She may not see what everyone else sees, but this is what is best for my mom too. So, we will see what happens. What is your opinion of all this?

On the flipside: that niece of mine that doesn't like me is starting to warm up to me. I tried to help her down the stair yesterday, and she said "No my name". This is a step up from just looking at me and crying. I played "grocery store" with her last night, which was fun. We were watching tv, and I asked her if I could sit next to her. She shook her head no, but 15 minutes later actually sat next to me. I was sure to have pics taken before she knew what she was doing.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 359
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/5/2018 9:11:04 PM
You have to do what's right for you, it's your only choice. I think taking the car away is a start and if it involves the police tough shit for him. He deserves nothing from anyone since his whole life has been nothing but take, take, take. Follow through with selling it and get out of there as soon as you can before you punch his lights out. I'm sure you've considered it. Yes you know what will happen before it happens but is there anything you can do before it does. Is he driving your car while drunk? Hard to drive if the cops catch you and take your licence.

I'd say your niece is no longer afraid of you and I'm sure you'll become a favorite. Just remember you'll have to practice playing with dolls and how to behave properly at a little girls tea party. lol I did that 25 years ago.

what has become of that job prospect? Sorry I don't have much to say.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 360
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/8/2018 7:39:24 PM
Get back to you tomorrow Rise. Feeling kind of light-headed at the moment, and I don't even do drugs
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 361
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/11/2018 12:37:49 AM
Well I've become hateful which is something different but not a good place to be.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 362
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/12/2018 6:47:32 PM
[Well I've become hateful which is something different but not a good place to be.]

Rise, I am worried about this? If you want to, maybe you can tell me. I studied this stuff, and have some useless(so far) initials behind my name now. Maybe I can help you.


I am happy to report I have talked him out of the house. He is now living in a "real" "sober house" In these places, someone else worried about him. Someone else watches him. The week before last, it was pretty much a morgue around here. He had spent the weekend drinking a lot, and causing problems. So, only my mom and I were communicating. Once he started talking to my mom a little bit, he , he mentioned to her that he would like to talk to me. Smart guy that I am, I saw this as my opportunity. I talked to him that Friday, and pretty much told him that if he wanted to repair our relationship, he had to leave. I then said it had to be that weekend. Believe it or not, my mom was down with this. He was out of here that Monday. I've help up my end of the deal. I went to dinner with him this past weekend, I talk to him, etc. It's now perfectly clear that nothing changes around here unless I get involved. I guess that useless education finally paid off somewhat. Now if I can just land a job. Speaking of which, that one that I told you about at a local hospital's ER didn't work out. I'm currently being considered for a healthy coach position. I'm actually over-qualified for this. I had to take a small test, I assume the other day. The problem was that is was not visual, but audio. My computer's speakers are a little messed up, and I am hard of hearing. I e-mailed them right after I took the test to let them know. They got back to me the day after, thanking me for letting them know and informing me that they are still reviewing all applications. I am perfectly qualified for this job. So, if I don't get a shot at it then it's a pretty good indication that my hearing is being held against me. In that case, there will be problems. At the very lest they will receive a very strong-worded e-mail. I don't know if I mentioned this; but I am considering going back to school to get a much lower degree/enroll in a program for physical therapy assisting. The application is due by Friday, and in the last few days I have decided to pass on it. There's a chance I will have to take classes I can teach. That isn't going to work. Secondly, I'm almost at the top of the lader, as far as educational achievements are concerned, not two steps down. If I am going to go back to school, then I am going after that Ph.D/Pay.D. Beyond that: I don't want to put life on hold for another two years.

I've been thinking a lot about Bailey lately; how much I miss him, all the fun we had in all our years together, and obsessionally my tat. I say his name at least 10x/day. This is usually when I am talking to Daisy. She has taken a real liking to me. She's sleeping in my bed all night. The only time Bailey ever did that was the night before he left. She's more food-motivated than Bailey ever was. He loved food, but not like Daisy. She's also ridiculously affectionate Even Bailey liked his space. Daisy is the exact opposite. She will never compare to Bailey though. The things I would do to somehow being him back.

What about this hateful thing? Let's talk about it.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 363
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/14/2018 3:14:03 AM
I've been sick since sunday so I never even looked at the forums. I'll post tonight and explain hateful
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 364
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/14/2018 11:21:36 PM
Well I'm glad your dad is gone and your main source of stress vanished with him. I never imagined that talking with him would result in these changes. I'm sure your mom is just as relieved as you. I'm curious, how many hours a day do you tutor? Yes finding that job is your main goal and hopefully it happens soon. I've never thought of this before but in my view companies don't want to hire over qualified people due to the fact they have such a good chance of moving on to other opportunities. I don't think getting a lower degree will help because of your other qualifications. That PhD would be in social work if i remember correctly and I'm old so maybe not. Also getting that PhD would make you over qualified for a lot of things wouldn't it? Just some random thoughts.

I imagine you'll be saying his name everyday forever since he meant so much to you. As for Daisy being more food-motivated maybe that's why she warmed up to you. You feed her well. Maybe she was underfed by previous owners. I imagine that tattoo wil be first on your list of things to once you find a job.

I had forgotten in the past when The Infinite Sadness overwhelmed me that I had become hateful. However back then it was turned inward and now its outward. I've made three posts on here so far, one I would consider not nice, one nasty and the third absolutely vicious. I think it's my way of releasing my anger in order to avoid it happening in real life. That last one was ugly but I don't feel any remorse for it. Hopefully I get the weekend off as in my mother goes out of town that I way don't have to leave my apartment. No I'm not worried about confrontation, road rage to me means calling someone a dumbass or something similar. I will know there's a big problem if it goes beyond that. I have one way of monitoring myself. I have a music folder containing 79 of the saddest songs I know and I have done this for a long time. I'll listen to nothing but those songs, ometimes for two hours at a time when I go out of town. I figure if those songs should make me cry I either get help or I am royally screwed.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 365
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/19/2018 7:30:46 PM
Well talk about a change of plans. Managed to hear most of those 79 songs during an over 5 hour road trip today. All tugged at my heart but none evoked tears. What do you think of this way of monitoring my mental health? Sick all weekend and did nothing but think about this situation since I didn't feel like doing much of anything other than sleeping. Haven't figured out a reason for my thoughts and hopefully I can come up with something. After all christmas is the time when things can turn irrational.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 366
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/21/2018 12:16:41 PM
Hey Rise, sorry it took me so long

[Well I'm glad your dad is gone and your main source of stress vanished with him. I never imagined that talking with him would result in these changes]

Neither did I. I guess he told my mom he wanted to talk, and even I suggested it. The lights went on then. I guess I finally used that education for something. My strategy? I just didn't ask him to leave/tell him to leave. I told him that if he left, it would be a good start to rebuilding our relationship. He wanted to stay until the end of the year, so he could "save money", but you know I wasn't buying it. I told him that it had to be that weekend. I also told him that because of everything that has gone on, not only am I going to cut him out of m life, but I am also getting close to doing that to my mom. I meant it. Apparently it worked like a charm, as I expected it would. My mom called me shortly after this all went down(she witnessed the talk), and said she was proud of me. The conclusion is that nothing changes unless I get involved. I've held up my end of the deal too. I've gone to dinner with him, I answer his text messages, etc. Now, the only question is if he will hold up his. I am still incredibly stressed just looking at him; but I guess not waking up and shivering is nice. I also don't need to run to my grandma's either.


[Yes finding that job is your main goal and hopefully it happens soon. I've never thought of this before but in my view companies don't want to hire over qualified people due to the fact they have such a good chance of moving on to other opportunities. I don't think getting a lower degree will help because of your other qualifications. That PhD would be in social work if i remember correctly and I'm old so maybe not. Also getting that PhD would make you over qualified for a lot of things wouldn't it? Just some random thoughts.]

Well, the job I mentioned to you is off the board now. I found and applied for a health coach position a few weeks ago. I am perfectly qualified for it, if not more. The next day they sent me one of those lame tests some places want you to take. The problem was that it was audio, and not visual like most other places. Beyond that: I am hearing impaired and my computer speakers are damaged. I e-mailed them right after, explaining the situation. It's crystal clear that I got the "thanks but" e-mail because of my hearing, and nothing else. If I did bad on the lame test, which I probably did; I think those degrees I have and those letters behind my name speak a little louder than that test. As for going back to school/getting the lower degree, I have decided against that. I'm almost as high as you can get, in terms of educational accomplishments. I can't see myself possibly taking classes I can teach. If I am going to go back to school, it will be for the Ph.D in psychology. I can do a lot of things if I had that, but it would take at least 7 years. I am not sure I want to wait that long to get life started. I've waited long enough.

Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving in almost two decades that Bailey isn't here. It will most likely be a very hard day. The same will go for Christmas. When Bailey was younger, he used to find his gifts under the tree on Christmas Eve and tear them apart. When he got older, he got kind of reserved, and would hid in the bedroom while all that was going on. Last Christmas, he was out with everyone opening gifts. I was happy he was out, but deep down I knew why: he knew it was his last one. Once I realized that, I had to stop myself from crying. Daisy is here now, and she has learned she pretty much owns me, as Bailey did. She can't get enough of food, and she has taken to snuggling with me at night. Bailey never slept in my bed an entire night, until his last day here when I apparently had my hand on him all night long. She's a great dog, but I just miss him so much. You're right about me saying his name every day. I'd say it's about 5-10x/day. I guess it makes me feel better. I was thinking last night about how he used to let me know he wanted my dinner. I would be sitting at the table, and he would come alongside me, and every-so-softly put his snout on my leg/knee. At other times, he would give me the "double paw". Gotta get that tat.

You're method of relieving stress is quite common. Everyone works out their stress/ill feelings in different ways. Some people write in a book/journal, some people paint, etc. I take my problems to the gym, and life stuff heavy enough to leave a dent in your skull if you drop it because you are thinking about something else. What you are doing seems common. Although a forum like this isn't really a healthy way of using words to get things out, it's not uncommon. I would suggest maybe getting a journal or a notebook. Write what is on your mind when you need to get things out. It's very therapeutic, believe it or not. Do you like to paint? What about any other hobbies or things you take joy in? Those can help you too. What you are doing, as far as words, is normal. Maybe we can find another way of expressing those words.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 367
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/24/2018 4:58:49 AM

I guess he told my mom he wanted to talk, and even I suggested it.

To me now I think this happened way to easily so I'm going to throw a possible reason at you. As you and your mom saw it he had to go because he had returned to his old ways and wouldn't change. His possible point of view could be he had returned to his "normal" ways which was fine with him. Well we know his thinking changed which resulted in what was best for the three of you, his moving out and continuing with his treatment. What changed his mind?

Did he have a revelation and see his future? No not the "god will smite you down" kind. Just a little thing that planted the seed in his mind. The future he was seeing until this all changed was drinking everyday and working to keep it that way. When he retired it would be drinking all day when he had the money. Now these thoughts would all be foreign to him and who could he go to for advice? As it turned out it was someone who had the education to explain all this to him. I'm thinking he needed you to articulate these changes for him because his entire adult life his thinking was constant and he saw no need for change. Of course this is just speculation from a guy who's off center and talking with someone who can analyse the crap out of me.

Im curious, how many job openings are there for someone with your qualifications in a week, month? I imagine it's quite minimal which makes it harder for you to find something. 7 more years for a PhD? How many years total would you have spent at university then? Yes that is a long time to put your life on hold. I believe your previous job didn't last very long because of down sizing, or so I think. You do realise because of those letters behind your name that the next job you find may be your last? It's possible you may find one which has unlimited possibilities for the future. Just another thought.


You're right about me saying his name every day. I'd say it's about 5-10x/day. I guess it makes me feel better.

I wonder how common this is when someone loses a loved one. As for it making you feel better, they are all pleasant thoughts, maybe the way it's supposed to be. Hopefully the day isn't to difficult for you.

I have no artistic talent at all, I've spent a long time occupying my mind and have no problem doing so now. It's when my mind is at rest that that those thoughts get more active. For example as I've been writing this I've also been playing backgammon, reading the news and wikidpedia and watching tv. When I go to sleep I leave the tv on which also helps me count my sleep. Now hateful has gone away I think only to be replaced by annoyed. Things really annoy me now. It's unbelievable how much the guys at work say that bothers me now. Of course they haven't changed it's just my point of view that is fucked up so I never say anything. Doesn't matter I'll be starting holidays soon.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 368
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/25/2018 12:16:42 PM
Rise,

I HATE Thanksgiving. I am good with the concept of family, and giving thanks and all, but there is one thing I just can't stand: turkey. Although I will eat it, I hate it. Add to it that every day after Thanksgiving I am totally wasted. It's like I am hung over, but I( have nothing to drink. I am thinking it's that chemical they put into it. Anyway, I played it safe this year. I had almost nothing to eat, maybe a little piece of turkey smothered in spicy ranch dressing for the sake of flavor, and a little bit of desert. I should be okay, right? NOPE! I was totally ****ed up on Friday; to the point of not being able to stand without getting dizzy. I spent most of the day in bed, which resulted in my lower back hurting. I couldn't go to the gym and stretch the muscles, so I was pretty much screwed. So, next year and every year after that I am going to order something from my favorite steakhouse(either the night before, or if they happen to be open on Thanksgiving), and heating it up while everyone else is eating the poison.

[To me now I think this happened way to easily so I'm going to throw a possible reason at you. As you and your mom saw it he had to go because he had returned to his old ways and wouldn't change. His possible point of view could be he had returned to his "normal" ways which was fine with him. Well we know his thinking changed which resulted in what was best for the three of you, his moving out and continuing with his treatment. What changed his mind? ]

I do agree that it happened rather easily. He asked my mom to stay until the end of the year, which wasn't going to work. I don't know if I mentioned this, but nothing changes unless I get involved somehow. Take for example last January, after Bailey passed. Weeks went on and he was doing the same crap as always. One day he and I were arguing, and was he with my mom. I knew he was up to no good, so even though I think my mom knew but was afraid to confront him, I decided to get involved. I noticed he was on his phone a lot, and he honestly gets very uneasy when anyone is around it. So, I decided to swipe his phone. Turns out he was talking to some people he shouldn't have been. One of which was a divorce lawyer, who sent him a text message mentioning that he/she would take care of everything if he wanted. The next thing you know, he is in rehab and gone for the next 6 months. He never would have left if I didn't swipe his phone and uncovered the dirty truth. As for why it worked this time: I closed every loophole and blocked every excuse he could make to get out of what was needed(him to leave). Not only that, I told him that the longer he stays the more likely I am to not only cut him out of my life, but my mom as well. I think he finally realized that he had no way out of this. I also provided him the opportunity to repair the relationship between him and I. Providing hope is one of the things a good therapist would do. It's not the end of the world, but it might be the start. Nothing changes until I get involved, and put to good use what these things hanging on my wall say. Maybe that education I have finally paid off?

[m curious, how many job openings are there for someone with your qualifications in a week, month? I imagine it's quite minimal which makes it harder for you to find something. 7 more years for a PhD? How many years total would you have spent at university then? Yes that is a long time to put your life on hold. I believe your previous job didn't last very long because of down sizing, or so I think. You do realise because of those letters behind your name that the next job you find may be your last? It's possible you may find one which has unlimited possibilities for the future. Just another thought.]

To be honest, there are jobs open in my field. The problem is many of them aren't what you would call good, or even if they are somewhat good, they pay very little. Once I graduated, I wanted to go back to the place I did my first graduate internship; which was Catholic Charities. I really liked it there; the people were great, etc. The problem was it was government-funded, and they couldn't afford me. I've had twp chances at jobs I really wanted, but didn't get the first, and was the second option for the second. I recently applied for a counselor position at the local community college I started off at. I am completely qualified, and the fact that I have those letters behind my name only helps. They want someone who has, or who is eligible for a license. So, the fact that I already have the license will hopefully help. The Ph.D thing is probably not a possibility. Have you ever heard of the GRE(graduate entrance exam)? It's a lame test of big words, high school math, and stupid essays that make no sense. The test is supposed to determine who will do well in graduate school. The better your scores, the better chance you have at being accepted. I'm never going to do well on the test. I took it a few times, and didn't do well. I have to wonder though: why should I have to take a test to show whether or not I can handle graduate school if I have graduated from the third-best graduate school in the country in the field? Additionally, there's probably more then a few cases in which someone with a great GRE score dropped out, because they couldn't handle it. If the test were psych-specific, that would be one thing. However, it is made up of a bunch of useless crap. I don't really do well on things that are useless, since I see no point to them. Hopefully I will get a crack at the counselor thing. I could springboard that into an adjunct faculty position, etc. So, as you said: that job could be my last.

[I wonder how common this is when someone loses a loved one. As for it making you feel better, they are all pleasant thoughts, maybe the way it's supposed to be. Hopefully the day isn't to difficult for you.]

To make that Thanksgiving thing I mentioned above worse, this is the first in 15 years my "doctor" has not been here to take care of his patient the day after. Yes, I do have a nurse now, but it's not the same. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday, about Bailey and how he used to act on Thanksgiving. He always would stick close by, then he would rest his head on my knee to indicate he was ready for his cut of the food. He might also give me the "double-paw" I'd imagine it is quite common to say the names of deceased loved ones every now-and-then. It's kind of therapeutic if you think about it.

As for your artistic talent, I probably have less than you. If you need to do all that stuff to keep your mind occupied, then I am both worried and relieved. You shouldn't have to do so many things to keep yourself "sane", so to speak. What about meditation?

Hope your Thanksgiving went better than mine
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 369
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/26/2018 7:32:44 AM
For us in Canada Thanksgiving is the second monday of october. All your thanksgining means to me is three football games on thursday. I love turkey, can't get enough kind of it. Maybe it was the ranch dressing. LOL Just teasing. If it causes all that maybe you are allergic to that chemical. You do realise that if you bring something from the steakhouse everyone's going to compare your steak to the turkey and steal your steak. You're not the only one who doesn't like turkey unfortunately like everyone else you don't say anything.

Do they have legal aid for divorce down there. How could he afford a lawyer? Swiped his phone you bad little boy. The Old Bags on the forums would jump all over that. Cell phones are private, actually sacrosanct to them. Stupid Cows. I'm glad you did that in order to deal with him. If that's the case you may see divorce papers which will be kind of weird. Do you realise you have new goal in life? Keeping him out and away from the family as far as his living situation is concerned. Is your brother still hands off, telling him to stay away. I imagine so. Best way to keep it.

SO you hate taking stupid meaningless tests? Me too. Mine of course were in high school. When I said you;d be overqualified for jobs I meant the potential employer would see it and think you'd be constantly looking for something better, not taking something for the hell of it. Well Im glad there a lots of openings and remember these ones are available because of the letters behind your name. As I said before as long as your happy doing the job it will be beneficial until you find something else if needed. Since you earned those letters have you been using it subconsciously to view people. I don't mean analysis but just getting a feel especially if they are someone you don;t want to be around? Hell you could analyse me we've talked so long and go for it. I'd like to hear your thoughts since I've never had anyone do that. I won't take it badly, it may even help. You'll be disappointed though, you'll only discover I''m lovable and crazy.

"Therapeutic," that's the word I was looking for. Your write for many it would be like that though for others it would be part of their permanent grief. Yes thanksgiving would be hard for you and may last forever. After all he was your best and much loved friend, your memories will always be strong. I'm guessing that tattoo is the first things to be done once you get a job.

Meditation would definitely the wrong thing to do. I keep my mind occupied so my thoughts don't drift to that which haunts me. I believe I told you I spend 80% of my waking ours alone. Well that's going to ramp up because I have holidays coming up. I don't plan on telling anyone I'm holidays for two weeks. In that time I will spend five days a week 100% alone, 80% the other two days. That 80% has been my life for almost 10 years. It's not hard for me to do it. Most of my time is taken up by stratomatic baseball then. I accept this life I lead because the alternative is not nice.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 370
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 11/28/2018 4:42:40 PM
Well I need to find a direction to search that which ails me. I would really appreciate it if you told me what you see in me because I almost started crying today and if this happens The Infinite Sadness may overwhelm me as it did over 20 years ago
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 371
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 12/1/2018 5:32:24 PM
Sorry for the delay Rise. I am watching my brother's nut/dog this weekend, and he's keeping me busy. Being here this weekend, living in his big house, with all this stuff I would have if everything had gone to plan for me, has made it even more clear to me how much life has crapped on me. I realize other people have it a lot harder, but I am not other people. I'm not worried about other people. I'm supposedly this smart, but have nothing to show for it. I have opportunities, as far as jobs are concerned, but we both know those won't pan out. I went to see my therapist today, and I'm now lucky enough to suffer from depression. Not just have depressive symptoms, but be the DSM definition of a depressed person. I think I have a good enough reason too. Nothing has gone right for me. Not even one little thing. Well, maybe just one. According to my therapist, I am a high-functioning depressive. I don't know if even Bailey would help this. If everything would have gone according to plan, I would have kept my promise to him; we would have lived in the park, and I'd have a positive outlook on life. Now, I just see the future as a black hole. To make matters worse, I thought I would add a little salt to my open wounds and make a new profile on match.com, and sign up for a free-trial. I didn't e-mail many girls; maybe six. Each message could make a corpse laugh. Not one has been returned. So, you know much that has helped my self-esteem. Why I was stupid enough to even sign up again is beyond me. Maybe it's just the curiosity, or just to confirm what I already know: relationships, sex, and all that is just not in the cards for me. Again, I don't know why i open myself up to this type of punishment. I know what will happen. I'm not a stupid person, so why would I think this time will be different. I know better then that. It's like with my drunk father. I blame my mom for thinking this time will be different, only to see her get disappointed when he opens the bottle. I blame her, but I am no better. I really just need to shut this wole relationship thing down for good, and walk around with a massive chip on my shoulder. If I ever get things together, why should I share it with anyone?

As for what I see in you: you've been communicating with me for a very long time, so that scores you a lot of points. Aside from the guys at the gym, you're the closest thing I have to a friend. I enjoy reading your posts and responding to you. You helped me through the hardest part of my life; the loss of Bailey. You don't know how much that is worth to me. I see a caring guy, who is obviously hurting. I'm sorry to say, but you sound like the Canadian version of me,....just a little older, and not in as good shape(no offense, but I could be wrong). I want you to start talking to someone, aside from me and whoever else you may talk to every day. You're helping me through a hard time, and deal with a lot of shit. That's worked wondering for me.


Riley is having one of his temper tantrums at the moment, so I will write more later.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 372
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 12/8/2018 5:03:44 AM
Shortly after we first met you had decided not to date until you cleared up everything else. What happened? I don't think it's time to dste because you'll eventually would have to explain your life at the moment. Not many women would find it acceptable. As for no responses it's a given. What you put in your profile define you on dating sites when in fact it's only minor facts about yourself. In real life people meet by talking where as here they meet by reading and choosing. For example yours says "Miami Dolphins" which defines you as a sports fan. If you write to a woman who isn't a sports fan equals no response. Happens with a lot of things a person puts on their profile so don't get discouraged. It's not time to date yet.

Care to outline your plan for life. I see get that degree, get a job, and carry on with life. I sort of missed the part where you mentioned a time limit for this. You still get enjoyment out of life which of course is offset by the crap in your life. Voila, depression. It's easy to say that will subside once things fall into place as opposed to a plan. You actually could only plan up to the degree, anything after that is random chance based on your choices. Damn I'm full of examples today. For example if a person had two choices for a job after finishing school. Job A leads to employment for life while job B leads to lay off in three years. Which job would you choose? "Either" because you don't know where they will lead in the future. Random chance which is how things usually fall into place.

As for depression you know how to deal with it and keep it from reaching the point where not dealing with it is easier. Is christmas a good or bad time for you? You have things that can happen which will lift it such as getting a job or the Dolphins making the playoffs unfortunately they're playing the Patriots on Sunday. Your depression is because of your life situations and will change as your life does. Would you be more depressed if you still had to deal with your dad? He caused some of it of course.

There is no one else for me to talk to other than my mom. On my holidays I will visit my mom everyday and stay home alone the rest of the time. At some point I will tell her I started work even though I haven't and then spend roughly 5 straight days home alone. It's the way I've lived my life for quite a few years and I've accepted it. As for my shape, Im 5' 8" and weigh 180 pounds. Think of me as a chubby old guy though I wont get bigger because I'm diabetic and watch what I eat. Unfortunately I have a habit of watching chocolate disappear from my hand.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 373
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 12/11/2018 4:31:01 PM
Sorry for the delay Rise,

[Shortly after we first met you had decided not to date until you cleared up everything else. What happened? I don't think it's time to dste because you'll eventually would have to explain your life at the moment]

Well, nothing to worry about, because my results were exactly equal to what rocks would get on a dating site: nothing. I wasn't really interested in meeting anyone to be honest, and I obviously know my situation wouldn't work out well for me. I guess all I was looking to determine is if anything had changed, or to further solidify my belief that among women that other guys would want, they would never pick me over them/give me a chance. Now, I may have only sent six or seven messages, but that is because I didn't want to put much into something I knew wouldn't work out. My messages were not "bulk" messages; they were specific to the woman's profile, asked questions, and cut jokes that would make a corpse laugh. Not one of them was returned. Even the average-looking girls didn't bother with me. You mentioned the Dolphins. A lot of girls have pictures on their profile of them dressed in their hometown team's stuff. I would not be found dead at home game of the Cleveland Browns. As a matter of fact; this past weekend I was in Miami, to take in the Dolphins/Patriots game. I was in shorts and a t-shirt, when everyone up here was in long-sleeves and winter coats. I would guess women like to go to games with their guys. So, a deal-beaker is the fact that I support the Dolphins, and not the Browns. I always joke that if I ever find someone, it will be someone from Miami/a Dolphins fan. Do me a favor: go on youtube and search for "miracle in Miami". We won the game on one play with seven seconds left, and 69 yards to go. The place was rocking. Anyway, I would guess that the fact I wear aqua and orange instead of puck(brown) and orange limits my chances. Just one of my deal-breakers for sure. I'm sure I have numerous other deal-breakers; I'm only 5'9" thanks to a medication i had to take to save my life. I'm in damn good shape though. I am pretty smart, but that's not as cool as being 6: tall. In my mind I have given up, but for some reason I trick myself into thinking otherwise.

[Care to outline your plan for life]

This is the problem. Even if I make plans, they never work out. I like to say that if things ever go according to plan, it's either a fluke, a dream, or a bad joke on me. Even when the first plan doesn't work out, the new plan, and then the plan after that never work out. So, here I am. Oddly enough, my original plan was to work for a few years after I got my Masters, and then go back to school on the weekend and complete my pre-med courses. There are three med schools in the area, and I wanted to try to get into one of them. See how well that worked out? Oddly enough, none of my plans every included a relationship, getting married, having kids, etc. Online dating really killed my motivation for any of that kind of stuff. Now, I never really tried to meet anyone in the real world. Maybe my results would be different? I doubt it though. When I went out with one of the women I met online, I told her of my hearing disability. Her initial reaction wasn't really what I was hoping for. I said it was ok, but thinking about it now I should have backed out/blown her off. That probably would have done a lot for my self-esteem. I think Bailey would have approved of that move: you don't like him the way he is? Screw you honey, it's your loss. Anyway, as far as life plans: I don't make them anymore. Nothing has ever worked out for me. I now say that it is better to be surprised when something good happens, then to be disappointed when something bad happens/something doesn't work out.

[unfortunately they're playing the Patriots ]

Miracle in Miami; search for it

As far as my diagnosis is concerned; I do have ways to relieve it. Getting a good job, and finally getting my life moving in the right direction would sure help. Moving to those condos would help too. I do thinking my depression will subside if things change for me, but I don't see things changing for me; no matter how hard I try.
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