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 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 401
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 17 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Hey Rise, and the new poster.

I haven't forgotten about this discussion. I'm in this cast for two more weeks, so I will get back when I can
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 402
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/21/2019 12:55:21 PM
[Aqua I need something from you. I've run into something I've never had to wonder about and i don't think a person can tell if this happening to themselves. Is there a test online I could take that would give me some idea if my thoughts are beginning to stray from what is considered the norm.]

**** the arm; what's going on Rise? There isn't an assessment online that I know off that would answer that question. Let's talk privately?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 403
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/21/2019 12:59:29 PM
Tried sending you a private message Rise, but couldn't. Let's talk.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 404
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/21/2019 4:38:11 PM
It doesn't matter, let's talk here. I woke up hateful this morning so the urge has receded. Of course the thoughts are never ending. I have no idea how many days I wanted to act on it. Knowing what to watch for from the other two made it such an ugly feeling as my thinking moved in that direction. it followed the same steps and took me further than last June. I don't know what else to say.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 405
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/21/2019 5:05:22 PM
I guess I should have explained hateful. It's not an outward expression, it's a feeling that I I hate though it does help to distract me from thoughts.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 406
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/21/2019 5:18:04 PM
K come back when you can
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 407
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/24/2019 10:32:00 AM
Tell me more about these hateful feelings Rise. How are they distracting you? You mentioned you may have caused some real damage recently. Did you get in a car accident?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 408
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/24/2019 1:14:52 PM
Hopefully this is understandable because I've never shared this. Hateful is something I express towards myself as a result of my conscience. Because of my illness it can be something minor which usually just last the day and I'm fine after I sleep. This one is major and will last what seems like forever. You know what I've been thinking about for a long time and I think I told you I tried twice. This time it has followed the same pattern and these are the final steps which I came close to. Last week I began to think it might better to complete that thought process.. The only thing keeping me from giving in is my family which is the second last step unfortunately it can be overcome by my defective thinking. Right now "I consider it the wrong thing to do."

Last week I began thinking it might be the right thing to do and that thinking for me will make family meaningless. I spent a week I think conflicted between doing right or wrong. Because of this I occupied my mind as much as possible to keep those thoughts at bay. Doing the dishes, showering or anything that didn't occupy my mind completely were horrible times to have that inner conflict. Now I've finished babbling hateful is result of my beginning to think it was the right thing to do. It's the wrong thing to do and my conscience is eating at me over this and I hate myself for thinking about it. What helped was I had someone checking on me during that time.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 409
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/27/2019 4:16:55 AM
Today I returned to work after seven weeks holidays and walked into disaster. My main coping skill failed. Years ago I taught myself to behave normally around others even when my world was crashing down around me and I couldn't do it today. I ended up taking four clonazapam throughout the day just to get through it. It didn't take long to discover how I'm viewed when I'm like this. At separate times two of the guys came and asked if I was mad at them. T I think I mentioned I'm red flagged at work because of my illness so eventually the bosses will come calling. I haven't a clue how i'll explain to them that they're seeing the real me. Hopefully I get that coping skill back before that happens.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 410
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/3/2019 7:32:46 AM
I've begun to cry
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 411
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/3/2019 9:23:10 AM
msg#410:
I've begun to cry


Don't know if you're a 'reader' , Mr rise, but if you are, you might want to check out Bruce Springsteen's autobiography.
It's a very personal account of his life. At the end he reveals his own struggle with depression. And the fact that at one point in his life, I think after his father died, he had a breakdown of sorts and COULD NOT STOP CRYING<<< It went on for weeks.

Went to the Doc who put him on some sort of medication, not sure what, but it helped him get ahold of himself and deal with underlying issues.
A very good read in any case. Might make you feel not so alone in your pain~
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 412
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/3/2019 5:36:31 PM
Thank you Clytemenstra but reading something lengthy is beyond me.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 413
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/5/2019 12:58:31 PM
Rise,

I am so sorry for forgetting to return your messages. The cast is hopefully coming off tomorrow, but it's done enough on me physically, and also mentally. From reading your response to me, it sounds like you were contemplating doing something that your family would never get over. You know what I mean. Is that the case?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 414
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/6/2019 4:12:58 AM
I'll reply tonight
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 415
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/8/2019 3:21:18 AM
Well starting last friday I began to sleep and it's mainly all i've done since then. The only interruption has been for work. I think it's come to an end now and my view of The Infinite Sadness has returned to just thoughts of it, looking for the reason and thereby find a solution to shut it off. Hope to hear from you soon and the story behind your injury which I'm sure will lead to a long post.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 416
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/8/2019 11:26:30 AM
Well, I'm out of the cast. Now I'M in a brace, and have therapy lined up. I was expecting everything to be good when the cast came off, and I could go back to the gym on Wednesday night. When the cast came off, I wanted to cry. I could barely move my hand for the x-ray. Ihave been going to the gym once/week, but only working the left side of my body out. That is not a smart move.

[Well starting last Friday I began to sleep and it's mainly all i've done since then. The only interruption has been for work. I think it's come to an end now and my view of The Infinite Sadness has returned to just thoughts of it, looking for the reason and thereby find a solution to shut it off. Hope to hear from you soon and the story behind your injury which I'm sure will lead to a long post]

Rise, if what you're telling me is true, then you fit the DSM-V definition for depression. How long has this been going on? The time frame will help with diagnosis. When you are in these "spells", do you ever snap out of it and go nuts: go on a shopping spree, etc? Any specific event bring this on? Work seems to help you, so that's good. Has anyone else noticed this?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 417
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/8/2019 11:40:43 AM
About my wrist: There was a bad snowstorm here in Cleveland in the middle of January. Since my drunk of a father never had the time in three years to fix the snowblower, I had to shovel the snow, which I had no problem with. Anyway, I slipped at one point and landed hard. That hurt, but I kept going. About 45 minutes later, I slipped again. At that point, I couldn't feel my arm. I held it close to my body, like it was in a cast. Iwent inside, laid down, and put some ice on it. While laying down, I tried to roll over and shut my door. I rolled a bit too far; right off the bed, and I landed on the wrist. I almost didn't get it looked at, because it was feeling better. I was stunned when they told me it was broken, and that it would take 6-8 weeks to heal, and even longer to regain full use. I blame it all on my dad, for not finding the time in 3 years to look into that snowblower
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 418
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/8/2019 1:23:59 PM
^^^
I blame it all on my dad, for not finding the time in 3 years to look into that snowblower

Could 'you' not have looked at the snowblower and fixed it or found someone to fix it for you?
It's not like 'Snow in Cleveland" is a rare event~
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 419
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/9/2019 11:41:24 AM
I'm sorry I have nothing to say because things just went downhill again
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 420
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/10/2019 10:35:43 AM
First of all Aqua....I am truly sorry for the loss of your beloved friend, Bailey. You will need time to recover. Maybe you could consider putting his things away in a special place so that you are not constantly reminded of him until you are better able to handle it. I can empathize with your pain, as I too have lost beloved furry and feathered friends who now remain in my heart as treasured memories.

In response to your most recent messages regarding your broken wrist.....


Since my drunk of a father never had the time in three years to fix the snowblower


You say your Father is a "drunk". Although many do not agree, addiction is now recognized by the medical community as a disease and alcoholism is an addiction. The addiction is a symptom of both mental and physical illness and often genetic, and therefore your Father is sick. He deserves compassion although admittedly, the addiction can be more painful and devastatating for those who love the addict (or not) and have to deal with the consequences. Trust me. I know what I'm talking about. There are resources for the families of addicts, one of which is Al-Anon which is intended to help with understanding and coping mechanisms.


I blame it all on my dad, for not finding the time in 3 years to look into that snowblower.


Forgive me if there is some reason of which I am unaware and is obviously none of my business, that you were unable to attempt repairs to the snowblower yourself. I see that you are a grown man, living in your parent's home although even if you weren't, you might have made this effort. From this point of view, you might wonder if there really is anyone to blame other than yourself? Then perhaps responsibility for your injury is yours?

There are many adult children, including myself who volunteer their time and patience to their parents just as a matter of simple respect, courtesy or even obligation and responsibility. Hopefully it would also be because of love and appreciation for what their parents have done for them throughout their lives in spite of their flaws and weaknesses, because we all certainly have our own.

In closing, I offer Prayers that you recover soon from both the loss of Bailey and the pain, inconvenience and frustrations of your broken wrist.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 421
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/10/2019 10:38:54 AM
Rise....having followed your journey throughout this thread, I hope that things improve for you and that you can convert your "Infinite Sadness" to Infinite Joy! Sometimes, it can be just a matter of perspective?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 422
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/10/2019 12:07:43 PM
[First of all Aqua....I am truly sorry for the loss of your beloved friend, Bailey. You will need time to recover. Maybe you could consider putting his things away in a special place so that you are not constantly reminded of him until you are better able to handle it. I can empathize with your pain, as I too have lost beloved furry and feathered friends]

Hello Ms. Shirley,

Welcome to the discussion. Thank you very much for your kind words. Although it's been a bit over one year since Bailey left, it still hurts. I say his name 10 or more times/day. Some of his things are stashed away; for example: he used to shed a lot. Like enough to make a clothing line. I have a collection of that in a ziplock bag stashed away. Sometimes it's nice to hold it, rub it. For the longest time after he passed I didn't vacuum my floor, as "he" was all over it. One of his favorite toys(the STICK/ plastic tree branch) is on my floor. It has a little lady bug on it, etc. His "house pillow" is on my bed. It's a small pillow, in the shape of a house. It has a little door, windows, a chimney, etc. I will post a pic soon. I cherish that thing, because his scent is all over it. So, I do think I've moved beyond the sadness of losing him. My mom and I went to dinner on the anniversary of his passing.in his name, what would have been his 16th birthday is on 3/31, so we will be going to eat on that day. I also have adopted a new "slave master" named Daisy. Her adoption was made official ironically on 3/30 of last year. I see a lot of Bailey in her, plus a lot of different things. She's a good dog, but she's no Bailey.

[You say your Father is a "drunk". Although many do not agree, addiction is now recognized by the medical community as a disease and alcoholism is an addiction. The addiction is a symptom of both mental and physical illness and often genetic, and therefore your Father is sick. He deserves compassion although admittedly, the addiction can be more painful and devastatating for those who . love the addict (or not) and have to deal with the consequences. Trust me. I know what I'm talking about. There are resources for the families of addicts, one of which is Al-Anon which is intended to help with understanding and coping mechanisms.]

I'm actually a licensed social worker, with a B.A. in psychology, so this isn't really new to me. In his case, much of what you say is true: his entire family are drunks according to my mom. I guess his parents were anything but parents, etc. There are just certain things that make the educated student in me wonder. He's been to countless rehabs, and they've all been useless. As drunks often do: he will tell anyone anything to look good. He just can't fool me, because I know what to look for. The situation is insane really: he never does anything without some kind of reward being included. He says he considers the feelings of others before his, but that's not true. If that were the case, he would live with a bunch of other "recovering" drunks(which he is now, but not by choice), accept responsibility for the years of misery he has caused, etc. Every chance he gets, he cries to my mom about us not being fair to him, and any other excuse he can find. I blame my mom in part as well. You don't reward a child for doing/behaving bad. You punish them, so the behavior stops. Murderers don't apologize, swear they will change, and are off the hook. Change is a slow process, and sometimes doesn't happen at all. I don't believe he will ever change.

[Forgive me if there is some reason of which I am unaware and is obviously none of my business, that you were unable to attempt repairs to the snowblower yourself. I see that you are a grown man, living in your parent's home although even if you weren't, you might have made this effort. From this point of view, you might wonder if there really is anyone to blame other than yourself? Then perhaps responsibility for your injury is yours?]

This is not how I saw my life. I wanted to get a job my education prepared me for, get the hell out of here long ago(with Bailey), etc. Plans have a way of never working out for me. I also haven't had a normal life. I've had more crap to deal with, that I never asked for, than should be allowed by law. I'm "book smart", and was never really taught technical stuff most fathers teach their sons. I obviously didn't plan for this to happen, but I'm trying to get the hell out of here ASAP. If Icould take Bailey(he was cremated and his ashes are at home) and move to one of the condos in the park I promised him we would live in today, we would have been gone 3 years ago.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 423
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/10/2019 4:38:44 PM
My depression has been a constant for a long time, after all I spend most of my time alone. Don't forget the bipolar. I'm back to work and have 40 less hours a week I need to occupy my mind. It's been one long process thinking what I'm thinking and coming up with the reason why. I haven't a clue.


Has anyone else noticed this?

No one ever noticed because I taught myself to behave normal even when my world was crashing. I can't seem to do that now. The first week two guys asked if I was mad at them despite the fact I hadn't seen either one in more than 8 months because we didn't work together. A third one asked last week. I assume they thought this because I hardly talk now.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 424
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/10/2019 7:22:06 PM

There are just certain things that make the educated student in me wonder. He's been to countless rehabs, and they've all been useless.


There is never enough education to get you into the mind of an addict. The rehabs have been useless because he is not committed to recovery for himself. He has tried it for others. My daughter once said to me...."Who would choose to live this life?" She explained that the things from her past that she didn't want to think about, the knowledge of the pain she was causing others, the way people viewed her and most important, her own view of what she considered her worthless self all disappeared with the 'high'. Then the guilt after the 'high', and the cravings that became impossible to ignore and then the horrendous withdrawal symptoms were just all reasons to try even harder at substance abuse to escape the realities of her life until she came close to death on more than one occasion. Just one vicious circle and very painful to watch one you love suffer this way but recovery must be their own choice for their own self for their own reasons or any attempts at recovery will fail.

It is very possible that your Father saw his life in a different way too. He too and many of us here may have had aspects in our lives that were not "normal" and had had to learn things on our own, and had crap to deal with and plans that didn't work out, possibly because we never had an actual plan.

The important thing IMO is to accept responsibility for the realities of our own lives and set goals and develop a plan for change. I have recently chosen to do this with God's help and I am feeling so much more positive.

Below are the lyrics to a song called 'Hold On' by Wilson Phillips that became very important to me when my marriage ended and I wanted to blame someone but these words speak real truth and helped me to move on.

I know there's pain
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To changeā€¦
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 425
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/15/2019 11:23:01 AM
Will get back to everyone stop . Twisted the broken wrist by accident, so I'm in a lot of pain
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