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 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 26
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 2 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
I lost my lil dog today....Sikira
The pain is unbearable the tears flow.
I just keep thinking of Bailey and You and
hope you are doing ok as you can be at this time.
May they be chasing balls in heaven.
 TheEvolutionOfJessi
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 27
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/22/2018 7:35:27 PM
Truly, my heart sincerely goes out to all of you who have also lost a beloved furbaby, whether it was today, yesterday, last week or months & years ago; whether they were with you for a long time or only very short - your love to them, cannot be measured by anyone else - they do not have your perspective of loving that soul you shared your life with.... I have had my share, including unexpectedly losing my beloved rescue (14yo) 'momma' cat (Nefer"Tari") within two weeks of returning from dealing with my mother's sudden death only weeks prior... to be truthful, I cried more for Tari than my DNA mother.

In my heart, I have to live by the motto that 'some people live for too long a life, while our pets live too little a life'...

I sincerely hope, the intensity of your grief lessens. I know it will never go away - and that you are able to keep love in your heart...

(I have the last of Tari's kittens as a full grown 14 yo and she will be my last furchild... Being aware of this, I'm uncertain what my reaction will be when I have to make a decision about her )
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 28
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/24/2018 5:41:02 PM
OP...Hopefully you're hanging in there. Give us an update on how you're doing.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 29
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/25/2018 10:56:54 AM
Hi All,

I'm still breathing....for now. Thank you all for your thoughtful and heartfelt words of advice and encouragement, and for checking on me. To put it lightly, I am not taking this well. My family is still watching me very closely. I can't get through the day without bawling out at some point. Last Sunday, I actually slept pretty good. I walked out to the kitchen, and what do I see: the snow melting. That was cause for immediate sobbing. If Bailey were still here, we would be walking on the now-clean ground. For the last few days, I have been helping a family member clean out their basement, since it's not a good idea for me to be alone for obvious reasons. It actually went well, and I can say I didn't think about all of this at all. I walk into the living room, sit down, and what do I see out the window: the worst thing I could possibly see: someone walking their dog. The primary picture on my profile: my mom had the blown up for me, as a Christmas gift. I spend a good portion of the day staring at that. To torture myself a little more, I am listening to "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins. If this somehow gets any better, it will take a long time. I saw Bailey almost every day for nearly 15 years, minus a few hospital stays and the occasional vacation. I think I said I lost my Grandfather in 2003. It was nothing compared to this.

I will say that my iPhone has close to 800 pictures of Bailey. It also has plenty of videos. Some of which he is helping himself to some Chinese. Staring at the quesadillas from his favorite Mexican restaurant, etc. "Looking for his ball" in the tall grass on the golf course my house is on, etc. That has helped a little bit. He's also coming home in a few days. What do I mean? Bailey is being cremated, and returned to me. I had a real problem just letting the vet take his body and dump him in a hole with other dogs, or cremating him and putting his ashes in a big pile with other dogs. It sounds stupid, but maybe bringing him home will help me. If I was crazy enough, I could always take whatever I keep him in on a walk in the park. I still can't understand why Bailey chose to walk into my room last Thursday, as the last time he was ever able to walk on his own. I lifted him on my bed soon after, and he pretty much died right next to me. When he was taken out on Friday morning, his body was alive, but his spirit/soul was gone. Why did he pick my room? He may have even been in a coma. I have asked myself why this had to happen so fast, instead of being a gradual process.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 30
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/25/2018 11:03:05 AM
[I lost my lil dog today....Sikira
The pain is unbearable the tears flow.
I just keep thinking of Bailey and You and
hope you are doing ok as you can be at this time.
May they be chasing balls in heaven]

I am very sorry for your loss. It sucks, no doubt. Maybe you have come to the right place. Dog are very special creatures, no doubt. It's just a same they can't live as long as us humans can. Keep your head up.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 31
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/25/2018 11:04:09 AM
Give me time everyone, I will be replying to each of your messages.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 32
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/25/2018 12:11:59 PM
Society does nothing to prepare you for such a devastating time in your life so now you have to teach yourself to cope with Bailey's passing. Anything you do cannot be considered stupid because it has to work for you not for someone else. I'm going to suggest journalling. Write down your thoughts and feelings about him instead of just rolling them around in your mind. It may help slow down your thinking when there is nothing else to occupy your mind other than thoughts of Bailey.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 33
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/25/2018 2:44:40 PM
I am thinking of you and of Bailey.
 HanoverFella
Joined: 1/16/2018
Msg: 34
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/25/2018 7:22:37 PM
So sorry to read this sad news, like you, my dog has been a huge part of my life, I love that critter more than life itself, and also like your story, Rudy has been my rock and helped me get through dark, lonely times, kept me strong and gave me the will to carry on and live. Last week I noticed he was peeing blood, so naturally I quickly googled it, and the first word I see is the dreaded C word. Quickly made a vet appointment, and so far he’s only 8 years old, but he’s given me the best 8 years of my life, hopefully another 8 too if I’m lucky.
Thoughts and prayers are with you, great idea bringing the ashes home, they have picture frames for people with a spot for ashes in the back.
Take care and be strong!
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 35
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/26/2018 3:36:07 AM

For the last few days, I have been helping a family member clean out their basement and I can say I didn't think about all of this at all.

Your family knows that the best thing to do right now is to find ways to distract you from thinking about what has happened. Unfortunately there isn't much I think they can say or do to help you when you are alone. I imagine right now you lack the desire to do much of anything so you end up thinking only about the loss of your precious friend. It will seem insurmountable but you need to teach yourself to create your own distractions otherwise you will be just feeding this infinite sadness of yours and it may come closer to overwhelming you. If you do reply to this could you mention if "Against All Odds' is the only song you've listened too since writing the post above.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 36
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/26/2018 12:42:13 PM
[Society does nothing to prepare you for such a devastating time in your life so now you have to teach yourself to cope with Bailey's passing. Anything you do cannot be considered stupid because it has to work for you not for someone else. I'm going to suggest journalling. Write down your thoughts and feelings about him instead of just rolling them around in your mind. It may help slow down your thinking when there is nothing else to occupy your mind other than thoughts of Bailey.]

This is very true. I would agree that society only prepares us for the loss of significant human in our lives. Dogs/pets in general really take a back seat to them. In reality, people's relationships with their pets are often more intense/significant than those they have with the humans in their lives. I won't say losing Bailey is more significant than the potential loss of my mom, because that won't be the case. However, it would be up there. My mom was also one of Bailey's primary caregivers, but not as close to or significant as me. Bailey never woke her up nightly at 3;30 doing his "I gotta go" dance". I wasn't even sure he had to go all those times. He just wanted to go outside, and not to the bathroom. He probably just wanted to mess with me anyway. A friend from graduate school also mentioned putting together a journal. It might be tough for me to write everything down, on an emotional level. However, I do see how it would help. I am also thinking about putting together a scrapbook/photo album.

There's one other thing i am thinking of doing. I don't have any tattoos, but am most likely going to get a heart, filled with red obviously, a blue dog bone on top of it, with his name is block letters, and maybe a paw print or two under it. It would probably go on my forearm. As far as any potential pain; I have dealt with a lot worse physical pain than that would probably be. Does that sound stupid? Getting a tattoo because you lost your dog?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 37
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/26/2018 12:56:46 PM
[So sorry to read this sad news, like you, my dog has been a huge part of my life, I love that critter more than life itself, and also like your story, Rudy has been my rock and helped me get through dark, lonely times, kept me strong and gave me the will to carry on and live. Last week I noticed he was peeing blood, so naturally I quickly googled it, and the first word I see is the dreaded C word. Quickly made a vet appointment, and so far he’s only 8 years old, but he’s given me the best 8 years of my life, hopefully another 8 too if I’m lucky.
Thoughts and prayers are with you, great idea bringing the ashes home, they have picture frames for people with a spot for ashes in the back. Take care and be strong!]

First, I am very sorry for your loss. You obviously know what I am going through, as does everyone else on this forums. It's not easy. I too loved Bailey more then life itself. I always said I would take a bullet for him, no questions asked. The loss all of us suffer it tremendous. It's kind of funny your dog's name was Rudy. That is my Grandpa's name. My other best friend. As for your Rudy, I can only offer you words of encouragement. Keep your head up, and take are of your pooch. Don't let him see your sadness over all this, or it could effect him in negative ways. I took better care of Bailey than I do of myself. For example: it was often 12:00 at night, and I'm dead tired. We both lay down for the night, and he just stretches his paws out wide enough to push me off the bed/almost off. Some people would yell at their dog, hit them, whatever. Me,, I just quietly moved to the floor, and turned on my electric blanket for him(the blankie). Unfortunately, that horrible word has hit your dog at a very young age. If he is anything like Bailey when first diagnosed, he has a lot of life left in him. Cherish the time you have left with him. Go on plenty of walks, take him on car rides, take him for ice cream, let him steal your dinner, etc. I will be thinking and praying for you and Rudy.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 38
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/26/2018 1:05:19 PM
[I am thinking of you and of Bailey.]

Thank you, I appreciate it. I have obviously been thinking about him way too much in the last few days. I spoke with his oncologist last night, and she mentioned to me that the reason he may have started to have trouble walking/loss the ability to walk, was because he had a tumor on his spine. A family member first noticed something large near his tail last week. Prior to that, we just assumed he was having trouble walking/aggravated that ACL injury he had. Take him to the vet, get him fixed, good to go. Obviously it's just a theory, but that would explain why he couldn't walk as of last Thursday morning, couldn't hold his head up when I carried him outside, go to the bathroom, etc. It doesn't make me feel any better. As is classic me; I am blaming myself for everything. Even though I did everything I possible could have for Bailey. Took him to the best doctors, gave him 3 of everything, etc. It will take a long time to get over this. It's only been one week, and even though I know he was suffering, and I that I would gladly suffer in his place, it still doesn't make it any better.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 39
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/26/2018 3:36:38 PM

Does that sound stupid? Getting a tattoo because you lost your dog?

No and No. You are you doing this for yourself to help cope with your loss and you wouldn't be the first person to do this. Keep in mind some people will get their pet stuffed and keep it in their living room because it's their way of coping. Would you consider that stupid? Many would but the person who does this could care less about what someone else thinks. Maybe visit a tattoo parlor and get them to draw up the design in case you want to make changes before you finally do it.


A friend from graduate school also mentioned putting together a journal.

I'm guessing but I imagine at times your thinking is somewhat chaotic and thoughts are just flowing through your mind. I could be wrong of course. If this is the case a journal may help you better focus your thoughts though it's not for everyone. Now slap my head and call me stupid but after reading that sentence I quoted it appears to me you didn't create a thread but started a journal. Is sharing your thoughts on here helping?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 40
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/28/2018 10:28:02 AM
Hi All,

Well, it's been a tad over one week since Bailey left me, and I can honestly say life sucks. I could never have imagined it would be this hard. I knew it would be hard, but nowhere near this hard. To give you an update, he's home(if you want to call it that). Obviously Bailey is not the way he used to be. He was cremated. I couldn't let the vet take him, and have him potentially dumped in a hole with a bunch of other dogs, or cremated and sprinkled somewhere I would never know/put in a pile with a bunch of other dogs and God knows what else. It cost me a little more, but it was worth it. There is a pet cemetery that is kind of a travel from my house(but not that far). They really did a beautiful job(if you want to call it that). His ashes are in a strong wooden box, which is locked(keys were provided). I was going to open it, just to see my Pawsy, but knowing me I would probably sneeze. The box has an engraved steel plate on it with his name, and it also came with a little dog statue(looks like an angel). The last thing it included was a concrete disk, that had his paw print and name engraved on it. It was really something nice. I'd really recommend getting that done when/if you unfortunately lose a pet. I got this battery-operated candle, that I am running next to him. It hasn't helped on an emotional level, but he took care of me. I was thinking of spreading his ashes in the park when it gets nice out, but I dono't want him to end up on the wheels of a grass cutter or crapped on by one of the many deer over here.

Emotionally, I am still kind of suffering. I still can't be alone for long, due to my mind starting to race. I'm still being watched very closely by the family/checked on daily. I will say that I have found somewhat comforting ways to deal with this. I have been thinking about all the funny stuff he used to do. Quite often, when we were laying on my bed and it was time for us to have dinner, I would attempt to get up and he would plant himself on me. He would stand over me(paws on each side), like he was in control(truthfully, I was his property), the slightest movement, and he would growl, and he would stare eye-to-eye with me. Try and move left, I can barely \lift my head up before he reacts. Try to move right....same thing. Try and move him, same thing. That would usually last between 5-7 minutes before he gave in. I suppose he worked up his appetite. We live across the street from a large park with a great trail, and also on a golf course. So, we had ample places to walk. The trail is one mile long. He was never happy with just one mile. At the end of the first trip, he would put on what I like to call his "hisy fits". He would sit on the ground and refuse to move. Try and move him, and you risk hurting him. On rare occasions, I could move past the end of our first mile. He would eventually realize what I was trying to get away with. He'd have a look on his face that said "what the hell is this" "No, it's not going to work". Try and walk him on the golf course, and he'd glue himself to the ground like he wanted to go home. The only problem was he would keep walking, right to the park. A few weeks ago, I left him outside. He got loose, and I couldn't find him anywhere. Eventually I did. Where? On the way to the park. He was extremely smart for a dog. Give me a bit everyone, and I will respond to these other messages.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 41
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/28/2018 11:10:26 AM
I'm glad you are finding ways to deal with your loss and hopefully finding more ways to occupy your mind. Would I be wrong if I said those racing thoughts slowed to a crawl or maybe even stopped temporarily while you wrote your post?
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 42
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/28/2018 12:33:32 PM

I was thinking of spreading his ashes in the park when it gets nice out, but I dono't want him to end up on the wheels of a grass cutter or crapped on by one of the many deer over here.


No, don't spread his ashes.

Keep them with you just as you have them.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 43
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 1/29/2018 1:19:45 PM
Hang in there dude.

I drove our sweet 16 year old doggie to the vet for a euth...about 18 months ago.....she could no longer walk nor stand...or eat....sheesh.....I blubbered like a baby the whole way...but I did manage to "act like a man" while in the vet, sucked up the tears, and stonefacedly hugged my dog as I felt her life slowly ebb away in my arms. It did me some good to know I was there for her in her last breath, and that her last thoughts weren't that she had been abandoned, dumped, alone to face that, at the end of her life. I cried for her more than I did when my Dad died, I hate to admit....

It does help, though, to have another wagging tail to go home to.....
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 44
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/1/2018 11:09:20 AM
Hi All,

It's been pretty brutal since Bailey's passing. Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days are really bad. I won't say that I am clinically depressed, but I am beyond-sad when I get home and look down the hall to an empty pillow, or look on my bed to find nothing. I haven't really lost interest in doing some of the things I enjoyed it the past. I am still taking care of my other pets, and still going to the gym as usual. Word about Bailey got around at the gym, so it was nice to hear from everyone. I got some advice on that tattoo I am going to get as well. Although I find myself tearing up often between sets, and thinking about him a lot pretty much everywhere. That God for smartphones, with their cameras and video recorders. Without that, I wouldn't have almost 800 pictures of him, and 70 videos to watch/look at when I am feeling sad. That doesn't include all the developed pictures either. I am planning to make a few collages around the house. I often try to think about the funny stuff he would do in certain situations. For example, in almost 15 years I never yelled at him. If he stole my dinner, scratched me because I was teasing him with a piece of steak/chicken, etc. I would always just look at him, and calmly ask "why did you do that?". He would always look at me with kind of a sad face on, and pick his paw up, but then let it hang in the air. That was his "I'm sorry". Not long ago, the power was out at home due to a storm. I decided on steak&shake(he loves it there). We are sitting in the living room, power is out, and I am giving him the occasional piece/fry. At one point, he walks away. Right after that, the power came back on. I got up to check all the rooms, which took maybe 15 seconds. When I got back, dinner was gone. Since he was older, he dropped the "I'm sorry" bit. When I looked at him, the look on his face said "don't blame me, you should have given me more". I guess these are the things that are helping me get through portions of the day. I can't get through a whole day without feeling said, but I am trying. Foolishly, I looked at the Petsmart Charities website a few days back. They work with the various shelters here in Cleveland, and there is a foster-pet program not far from here. I saw some pretty interesting dogs. The problem was I started sobbing midway through all of this. Even if I was to do this/get another dog so soon, it would feel to me like I am replacing Bailey. Nothing/nobody would ever replace Bailey, but it certainly felt that way. What does everyone think a proper time period for new adoption would be? Am I thinking about it too soon, and should grieve the loss of Bailey before I can move on?

[Hang in there dude.

I drove our sweet 16 year old doggie to the vet for a euth...about 18 months ago.....she could no longer walk nor stand...or eat....sheesh.....I blubbered like a baby the whole way...but I did manage to "act like a man" while in the vet, sucked up the tears, and stonefacedly hugged my dog as I felt her life slowly ebb away in my arms. It did me some good to know I was there for her in her last breath, and that her last thoughts weren't that she had been abandoned, dumped, alone to face that, at the end of her life. I cried for her more than I did when my Dad died, I hate to admit....

It does help, though, to have another wagging tail to go home to.....]

That is brutal, and I am sorry. I cried the short distance to the vet too. The only thing that made me feel somewhat difference was the sun was shinning. By shining, I mean the entire round sun was blinding. Being Catholic, maybe it meant that Bailey was headed somewhere. I couldn't be in the room with Bailey when he took his last breath. My mom was in, and I went in soon after it was over. As you can imagine, I did plenty of thanking him/hugging him, etc before it was all over, and after. I'm told he didn't move his head around, and wasn't looking for me. The night before, he was alert. I was sitting right next to him, and he licked my hand several times. Just like he did when we were bringing him home from surgery, to remove the tumor from him. Back then, I assumed it meant "thank you". This time, I assume it meant the same thing, and goodbye. Emotionally-speaking, I like to come off as a stone-cold killer. I don't like to show any emotion in public. I can do these things in private if I need to. That all changes with Bailey. He's the only person(yes, person) that will cause me to cry in public. Dogs are special creatures. They require very little, and give so much. I will admit that Bailey was one very pampered dog. For Christmas, I asked the question "what do you get the dog that has three of everything?" Do you have another dog? How long did you wait?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 45
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/1/2018 11:19:01 AM
I'm glad you came back and shared with us that your finding ways to deal with this. As for adopting I feel the time frame is what you decide. You'll know when.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 46
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/2/2018 10:59:44 AM
I'm not sure if you noticed but I never did offer you condolences because grief is beyond my comprehension always will be. However I do understand depression and the despair that can develop from it. Please keep in mind what we're discussing is so fucking abstract that most of what I say is conjecture based on what little you wrote and I don't have to be right. Hopefully you do find something in what I've written that might be useful to you.

{b]Beyond-sadness
Did you come up with this on your own or read it somewhere? It's been a long time since I've heard it or something similar expressed to describe ones depression. It's a horrible fucking place to be and because of this it can have a detrimental effect on your thinking. Do not be quick to discount anything you think of that might help you deal with Bailey's passing because the darkness around your mind may unknowingly make you discard something that might actually be helpful. Now "beyond-sadness" is a label you've put on this however what is weird is that you've given yourself a goal to achieve. "Just sadness." I told you it was weird but you already know how difficult it is to deal with and you'll just have to listen to Bill Murray and use "Babysteps"

I'm glad you realised you don't have clinical depression which leads me to believe you looked at the symptoms and maybe did some reading on the topic. Unless you talk with a professional those symptoms are your only way of gauging your depression. Some of them I imagine do make themselves known occasionally but last only until your mood changes and become a fleeting glimpse as your mind moves onto other thoughts. Look at the symptoms again in two weeks or a month and see how many have faded away.


I haven't really lost interest in doing some of the things I enjoyed it the past. I am still taking care of my other pets, and still going to the gym as usual."

Are you motivated to do this or is it a case of it has to be done so you do it? Lack of motivation is the worst thing that can happen when depression kicks in. It's simple, if you're not doing anything it allows your mind to drift towards and focus on that which is troubling you. Automatic isn't it when your mind's not occupied? Are you finding household chores to be a bitch since it doesn't take much thinking to shower, vacuum, wash dishes and such?

Despite the fact that first paragraph is to long it appears you are finding ways to deal with it. Your reminiscing does give you brief respite and hopefully happens more often. How are you dealing with your mental downtime at home? Have you been trying to do things that take some concentration so as to distract you from your misery? The less time spent thinking about your loss the better.

Like I said I'm guessing though I do have three questions

Are you still torturing yourself with that song or any others?

Do you still have racing thoughts?

Do you feel your family still has to watch over you?

Oh I wish I was as eloquent as you. This would make more sense.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 47
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/4/2018 6:42:16 PM
My cat Pandora was born of a cat that i had when stationed in Spain, i brought that cat home w/ me, her only kitten was Pandora, who was 19 years when she crossed over the rainbow bridge was buried in the flower bed where she so enjoyed being.
I hope the ache in your heart eases as the years go by.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 48
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/6/2018 11:27:09 AM
[I'm glad you realised you don't have clinical depression which leads me to believe you looked at the symptoms and maybe did some reading on the topic. Unless you talk with a professional those symptoms are your only way of gauging your depression. Some of them I imagine do make themselves known occasionally but last only until your mood changes and become a fleeting glimpse as your mind moves onto other thoughts. Look at the symptoms again in two weeks or a month and see how many have faded away.]

Actually, I know the symptoms. I have my B.A. in psychology, and my Master's in social work; so I am aware of what the DSM criteria for MDD/depression is/are. I haven't lost interest in eating, am not sleeping as much as a you would expect a depressed person to do, still have a healthy appetite, etc. I think I do have some depressive symptoms, as I think everyone does at some point in their lives. At some times, it's hard for me to fight back the tears about Bailey not being around anymore. Although I am not in tears right now, I was feeling sad before, when I looked at his pillow and didn't see him there. I have my good days, and my bad.

[ Do not be quick to discount anything you think of that might help you deal with Bailey's passing because the darkness around your mind may unknowingly make you discard something that might actually be helpful.]

I agree completely. Which is why I have started to look for a new set of paws. I am just so damn lonely right now. Sure, I have family supporting me, who also lost Bailey, but that only goes so far. I was thinking I should wait a while, before thinking about getting a new dog. After almost 15 years of Bailey, not having a dog around is unbearable. I've give up on dating, so that's not helping. Bailey filled that void in my life, minus anything really screwed up obviously. I just miss having a PIC around. I have started to look online, at sites around Cleveland(APL, etc). I have seen some dogs that look very interesting. Some of which looked just like Bailey, and that opened the floodgates. Someone told me that Bailey would want me to give another dog the life that he had.

[Despite the fact that first paragraph is to long it appears you are finding ways to deal with it. Your reminiscing does give you brief respite and hopefully happens more often. How are you dealing with your mental downtime at home? Have you been trying to do things that take some concentration so as to distract you from your misery]

This is definetley true. I started sleeping with his favorite toy("The STICK"]; which was like a plastic tree branch, with a lady bug and a bee on it. He loved that thing. I often think about all the crazy stuff he used to do' like hide under the table when it was raining/storming, run around the house frantically, looking for somewhere to bury his bone/pizza crust, etc. Those are the things that are getting me by, somewhat.

Are you still torturing yourself with that song or any others? Yes, but I have tried to curb it. I'm not listening to that song anymore, but I found another that's not as bad. I'm trying to understand there's nothing I could have done differently, because I did everything I could have possible done for Bailey. I'm still finding ways to blame myself, because that's what I do. Most people blame others when something goes wrong. I blame only one person: myself.

Do you still have racing thoughts? Not as much

Do you feel your family still has to watch over you? I think they have loosened that a bit, but I don't know.

Oh I wish I was as eloquent as you. This would make more sense.: First time I ever hear that, so thank you.

Thank you for your continuing support/concern
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 49
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/6/2018 11:40:01 AM
My cat Pandora was born of a cat that i had when stationed in Spain, i brought that cat home w/ me, her only kitten was Pandora, who was 19 years when she crossed over the rainbow bridge was buried in the flower bed where she so enjoyed being.
I hope the ache in your heart eases as the years go by]

First, I am sorry about Pandora. I wish Bailey would have lived that long, but I guess only certain wishes are granted/come true. What really sucks is animals can't live as long as us lowly humans. Strangely, Bailey didn't have a problem with cats. My grandma had a cat (Ashes). The two times they met, Bailey just wanted to be friends, Ashes was giving him crap. Although I will say there was one problem: maybe 13-14 years ago, my grandparents watched Bailey while my family was on vacation. My grandpa threw a bit of a hamburger in Bailey's bowl. Apparently Ashes was right next to it, and Bailey though she was going to eat it. So, due to his love for food, he bit her. There wasn't any damage. I suppose Ashes was at fault, but who knows. Maybe Pandora and Bailey have crossed paths. I just hope she hasn't made the mistake of trying to eat his food.

Instead of letting the vet take Bailey, and have him buried in a whole with a bunch of other dogs, he was cremated. He's home now. Obviously not the way I would like him to be, but I guess anything will do.

[I hope the ache in your heart eases as the years go by]

Thank you very much. At this point, I will say it might take me a very long time to get over this. Even if I get a new dog, Bailey will always be the measuring stick, and not soon forgotten.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 50
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/6/2018 12:20:22 PM
I am so relieved to discover you have the knowledge to deal with your depression and know how to combat it. Hopefully it soon gets to the point where you have bad moments instead of bad days. As for blaming yourself is it due to your depression or is it something you've always done? Cliche time so I'll say it, there was nothing you could do.

Yes getting another dog now would help you to fill all that downtime you have especially if it is difficult to house train. Think of all the time you'll spend cleaning up after it.

Again just one song? I know it seems i'm obsessed with this and the reason is. Cliche #2. A song can actually take on a life of it's own in a person's mind when depressed. I don't see that happening with you from your description of how your depression is affecting you now. However a variety of songs would be better since they would give you different ideas to think about.

I'm so glad you're depression is waning some rather than ramping up which would be hell to deal with.

If I may I'd like to suggest a name for your new dog. Yepremian
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