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 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 51
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 3 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
[I am so relieved to discover you have the knowledge to deal with your depression and know how to combat it. Hopefully it soon gets to the point where you have bad moments instead of bad days. As for blaming yourself is it due to your depression or is it something you've always done? Cliche time so I'll say it, there was nothing you could do.]

That's one thing I think I can do; manage how I am feeling. Thank God for the gym. That has been a great help to me. What's nice is that word got around about Bailey, and a bunch of the guys have said something to me. That really meant a lot to me, in contrast to my brother's wife's family(we know them well enough), that didn't say anything. The last few days haven't been the easiest. Although I have been by myself in the past week, I have found it to be difficult in those past few days. That's kind of where my mind is racing, as you mentioned. I'd like to think I am getting better, but I fluctuate. When a lot of bad things happen, especially something like this, I blame myself. When Bailey first got hurt in 2015 and eventually diagnosed with his first bit of cancer, I blamed myself totally; "i shouldn't have fed him so much", "should have walked him more", etcc. That was over two years ago. I had him dead and buried, which obviously didn't happen. I forgot who I was dealing with. This time around, "I shouldn't have fed him so much". Bailey ate pretty much anything he wanted. He had a stomach of steal. No bones or anything, Anyway, I know increased nutrients cause increased growth. If I would have said "no", or stopped him from stealing my dinner, maybe I would have slowed things down, and he'd still be here.

[Yes getting another dog now would help you to fill all that downtime you have especially if it is difficult to house train. Think of all the time you'll spend cleaning up after it.]

I have started to really look. Petsmart Charities has an adoption event in a few weeks, and there is an organization caleed Canine Lifeline not far from home. They have some pretty cool dogs. I miss having a dog for sure; the smell of them, the softness of their fur, belly scratches, playing toys, etc. I'm still hung up on not wanting to replace Bailey. Even though I won't be, I still feel like I am.

[If I may I'd like to suggest a name for your new dog. Yepremia]

Interesting name; does it mean anything? Why do you suggest this name?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 52
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/7/2018 5:42:32 PM
In your previous post you mentioned that you were still eating and not sleeping as much a depressed person usually does. Are you sleeping somewhat normally? I may have mentioned it before but a lack of sleep can exacerbate everything else and you'll end up going through what they call the "Cycle of Depression." The only charts I could find were from money making sites so look it up and see how it works.

Your depression will fluctuate due to it's random nature and of course it will be at it's worst when you find your mind becomes unoccupied so it is ultra important to keep it occupied when you're alone. Dive into wikipedia and read about things even if you have no interest. For example reading about american gangsters will occupy an incredible amount of time. You can start with the Dead Rabbits from the Gangs of New York. Of course you could come here and take on abandoned threads. Stay away from the mental illness ones. They don't take long to read because so many posts are "get help" and there is very little useful information anyways. Occupying your mind may slow down those racing thoughts when they happen.

Have you taken time off work or working from home? Time off leaves you with about 8 extra hours to fill.

As for your brothers wife's family. What you're seeing is how they react now and not the possible reasons they behave this way. Never owned a dog or developed a close relationship with one as you did so they aren't capable of understanding comes to mind.

I know I'm repeating myself but I'm tired of rereading my posts. My memory has gone to hell.

You're to young to remember but his name is Garo Yepremian and he was the place kicker for Miami in the 70's including their undefeated season. He is famous for this:

Despite all of Yepremian's success, many people remember him for an incident in Super Bowl VII in 1973. With his team leading the Washington Redskins 14-0, Yepremian was sent on to the field to kick a field goal with slightly more than two minutes left, which would have put the game out of reach. The field goal attempt was blocked by Bill Brundige, and Yepremian managed to get to the ball before any other player did. Instead of just falling on the ball to preserve the Dolphins' 14-0 lead, he picked it up and frantically attempted to throw a pass. The ball slipped from his hands and went straight up in the air. Yepremian then attempted to bat the ball out of bounds but instead batted it back up in the air, and it went right into the arms of his former Lions teammate, Redskins cornerback Mike Bass, who returned it for a touchdown. The Dolphins managed to hold on to win, 14-7, thus completing the Dolphins' undefeated 1972 season.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garo_Yepremian
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 53
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/7/2018 5:56:32 PM
I forgot to ask, what song or songs are you listening too? Your choices could bring you down further.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 54
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/7/2018 7:14:53 PM
I guess I should share why I see music as a problem. When depressed one might perceive different meanings from what was intended by the writer. It's quite common when depressed to look for hope in the music one listens too but unfortunately some songs have the opposite effect. It's happened to me and some others I've known.

I had an acquaintance call me up one night because she had heard this song and it spoke to her she told me and she couldn't get it out of her head. Its was Blink 182's "Adams Song." Can you say motherfucker, it's a song about suicide. Off I went 90 minutes to see her and try to convince her to go to the hospital. It took a while but eventually she gave in and I took her to the hospital. A few years later I had woken up to find an email from her which she had sent the night before. It contained the lyrics to some Pink song, again about suicide. I phoned and there was no answer so I called the cops in her city. She had overdosed and died that morning in hospital.

Those two songs were obvious but even the most innocent song can be detrimental. Like I've been saying be careful what you listen to and if you find a song is dragging you down switch to something else.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 55
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/7/2018 8:46:52 PM
I got my dogs ashes today and put them into 2 urn necklaces. This way she's close to my heart.
I'm sending some off to a place in Seattle to be glass-blown into a paperweight.
The rest I placing on my sons' graves.
They are family and this is my way of keeping it together.

I'm glad to hear you are looking for another furbaby.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 56
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/8/2018 8:00:52 PM
Mr. Miami I really wish I could talk with you for it would make things so much easier. I know I've repeated myself a lot but it's what I was taught years ago. Keep drilling it into somebody's head the things that may help them. Yes you are fluctuating which is to be expected. You can't tell if you're getting better and of course I can't tell though I did notice something so I wrote these two posts.

The first is everything you've mentions that was sad and depressing and they fluctuate. Don't bother reading them for there is no point. However look at posts 48, 49 and 51, you hardly touch upon that which troubles you so.

The second is your reminiscences. As you said in a post that they make you feel a measure of comfort and hopefully that is still helping you get through your day.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 57
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/8/2018 8:01:05 PM
Jan. 19 - I can honestly say I have never felt lower. My entire family has me on suicide watch, because they know how much Bailey means to me, and that I really think I will not be able to go forward without him.

I honestly think I will not survive this, because it's too painful.

Jan. 22nd post 19 - It's only been about three days, but I can honestly say life sucks right now, and I don't see it getting better in the near future. Just yesterday morning, I woke up fine. I walked out into the kitchen, looked out the window, and started sobbing.

Even this morning, I woke up ok. Somehow, the topic of having tacos for dinner at some point drifted into my head. That didn't go over well. Bailey loves tacos, among a lot of other things. He will rip them right out of your hand, if you give him the opportunity. I can't have those for dinner again

I wouldn't say that I have one foot in the door....yet.

I just can't imagine being whole again without him by my side.

There's definetley a Heaven. That's kind of where the suicide thing comes in,

Believe me, this is what my family is telling me whenever my thoughts drift into "that", or I feel really sad about all of this. I'm asked continuously if Bailey would be happy to know I am in so much pain, or that I am thinking of doing something I should not. I agree I should think about what Bailey would want, but it's just hard.

post 23 - Since Bailey's passing, I have been thinking about this (suicide), and my family is very worried about me.

Waking up this morning, and not seeing him sleeping on his pillow was upsetting beyond words.

Jan. 25th post 29 - To put it lightly, I am not taking this well. My family is still watching me very closely. I can't get through the day without bawling out at some point.

I walked out to the kitchen, and what do I see: the snow melting. That was cause for immediate sobbing.

If this somehow gets any better, it will take a long time.

Jan 26th - posts 36, 37 and 38. You didn't mention anything that could be considered depressing.

Jan 28st post 40 - Well, it's been a tad over one week since Bailey left me, and I can honestly say life sucks. I could never have imagined it would be this hard. I knew it would be hard, but nowhere near this hard.

Emotionally, I am still kind of suffering. I still can't be alone for long, due to my mind starting to race. I'm still being watched very closely by the family/checked on daily.

Feb 1st post 44 - It's been pretty brutal since Bailey's passing. Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days are really bad. I won't say that I am clinically depressed, but I am beyond-sad when I get home and look down the hall to an empty pillow, or look on my bed to find nothing.

They work with the various shelters here in Cleveland, and there is a foster-pet program not far from here. I saw some pretty interesting dogs. The problem was I started sobbing midway through all of this.

.I blubbered like a baby the whole way..

I cried for her more than I did when my Dad died, I hate to admit...

I cried the short distance to the vet too.

Feb 6th post 48 - At some times, it's hard for me to fight back the tears about Bailey not being around anymore.

Although I am not in tears right now, I was feeling sad before, when I looked at his pillow and didn't see him there.

After almost 15 years of Bailey, not having a dog around is unbearable.

post 49 - At this point, I will say it might take me a very long time to get over this.

Feb 7th post 51 - The last few days haven't been the easiest. Although I have been by myself in the past week, I have found it to be difficult in those past few days.

That's kind of where my mind is racing, as you mentioned. I'd like to think I am getting better, but I fluctuate.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 58
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/8/2018 8:01:18 PM
Jan. 22nd post 20 - My Aunt told me that Bailey was one pampered pet. He was really. For Christmas, I asked the question: what do you get the dog that has three of everything? He also walked all over me; but I let him of course.

Jan. 25 post 29 - For example, in almost 15 years I never yelled at him. If he stole my dinner, scratched me because I was teasing him with a piece of steak/chicken, etc. I would always just look at him, and calmly ask "why did you do that?". He would always look at me with kind of a sad face on, and pick his paw up, but then let it hang in the air. That was his "I'm sorry".

Not long ago, the power was out at home due to a storm. I decided on steak&shake(he loves it there). We are sitting in the living room, power is out, and I am giving him the occasional piece/fry. At one point, he walks away. Right after that, the power came back on. I got up to check all the rooms, which took maybe 15 seconds. When I got back, dinner was gone. Since he was older, he dropped the "I'm sorry" bit. When I looked at him, the look on his face said "don't blame me, you should have given me more"

Feb 6th post 48 I started sleeping with his favorite toy("The STICK"]; which was like a plastic tree branch, with a lady bug and a bee on it. He loved that thing. I often think about all the crazy stuff he used to do' like hide under the table when it was raining/storming, run around the house frantically, looking for somewhere to bury his bone/pizza crust, etc
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 59
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/11/2018 11:06:25 AM
[Despite all of Yepremian's success, many people remember him for an incident in Super Bowl VII in 1973. With his team leading the Washington Redskins 14-0, Yepremian was sent on to the field to kick a field goal with slightly more than two minutes left, which would have put the game out of reach. The field goal attempt was blocked by Bill Brundige, and Yepremian managed to get to the ball before any other player did. Instead of just falling on the ball to preserve the Dolphins' 14-0 lead, he picked it up and frantically attempted to throw a pass. The ball slipped from his hands and went straight up in the air. Yepremian then attempted to bat the ball out of bounds but instead batted it back up in the air, and it went right into the arms of his former Lions teammate, Redskins cornerback Mike Bass, who returned it for a touchdown. The Dolphins managed to hold on to win, 14-7, thus completing the Dolphins' undefeated 1972 season.
]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garo_Yepremia

I can't believe I didn't know this. I live in Cleveland, but the Dolphins have been my team since I was nine. This was obviously before my time, but still. You are correct that the 1972 Dolphins are the only perfect team in league history. What's funny is that every time an undefeated team looses these days, the guys that are still alive get together and "pop the cork", as they call it(drink a bottle of champagne" Thank you for the history lesson.

It hasn't been getting much easier, as I hoped it would. I've been told I should take as much time as I need, in order to grieve properly. People grieve in different ways, for different periods of time. Getting over Bailey, and all the memories we made together in almost 15 years isn't going to be easy, or quick.

You mentioned my brother's wife's family, and the fact that they may not know how to react because they don't have a dog. Let me just say that yes, they do have a dog. Secondly, they often take care of his wife's little runt dog. They aren't family, but I think we know them well enough. I won't say I was expecting them to say something, but I kind of felt like they would. Add to that the fact that my brother's wife took more then a day to send messages to myself and my mom, asking about all this. In addition to that, my brother came over to see Bailey one last time the night before he passed. He was in tears apparently when he left, because Bailey was his dog too. He got home, and wanted to talk. The only problem was his wife had gone to sleep. I find that to be extremely selfish. It's something I know my brother would never do. Her family lost massive points with me. It might sound dumb, but I lost someone that might be as important to me as my mom. I heard from people I haven't seen in three years before I heard from my brother's wife. Word got around at the gym too. I am probably getting angry about nothing. but I would be condemned if I did the same thing.

As for music, I've stopped listening to it. Occasionally, I might listen to "I wish it would rain down" or something else t0 torture myself a little more, but I am trying to stop. As I said, I pretty much blame myself for everything. I am trying to work on it though. I'm looking at pictures, and watching videos of us, and all I can do is feel sad. Yes, I laugh often thinking about when this or that happened, or when he did this or that. It has helped for sure, but it only is good for so much.

It's just not getting any easier. Yes, I know Bailey would not want me to feel this way, but I can't help it. I read a poem that was sent to me from his oncologist(along with sympathy card). I couldn't even finish it the first time I tried. The last time I did, I was able to finish, but of course the content of the poem made me start thinking about something I shouldn't be thinking about. It's just not going to be easy for me, as I am sure is the case for certain other people in my family.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 60
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/11/2018 11:13:21 AM
[I got my dogs ashes today and put them into 2 urn necklaces. This way she's close to my heart.
I'm sending some off to a place in Seattle to be glass-blown into a paperweight.
The rest I placing on my sons' graves.
They are family and this is my way of keeping it together.

I'm glad to hear you are looking for another furbaby.]

I think I said Bailey was cremated as well. I couldn't let him be thrown in a hole with a bunch of other dogs, or cremated and have his ashes spread I don't know where. It's weird, but I am kind of comforted that he is home. Yesterday, I went to get something for dinner. I brought it home, and ate right next to his ashes. With his ashes, I have a picture in a big frame(dog on it that looks just like him), as well as an electric candle that is always on. It reminds me of something I might see in church.


I am wearing his ID tag around a gold bracelet on my left wrist. Tell me more about what you have, and where did you get it?

Lastly, do you think it's too soon to start really looking? Bailey just left a few weeks ago, and I am already looking for a new dog? I will definetley be getting a new pooch, but I am wondering if it's too soon. How long did you wait until you got a new set of paws?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 61
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/11/2018 11:52:37 AM
I have to say I'm glad to see you have posted because I was worried about that thing you shouldn't be thinking about. After rereading all your posts again I came across something I had missed. Have you sought counselling?

Now I have to mention I saw a psychologist last friday and the first question he asked me was, "Do I have suicidal thoughts?" I suffer from depression and when I told him I was sharing thoughts with you he said, "Why are you doing that? You know you aren't supposed to." It's an unwritten rule that two people suffering from active depression aren't supposed to talk with each other so I have to ask. Are my posts bringing you down? That is what can happen.

The other thing I mentioned was your torturing yourself with music and the look that came over his face was horrified. There's nothing else for me to say about it.

I think it's not to early for you to get another dog. However I think you should get a puppy so the attachment will be stronger.

Hopefully by the time you next post your reminiscing has settled you down a bit.
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 62
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/12/2018 6:11:13 PM
I have a friend who lost his cat (it died) in June & he was devastated.

what he said:

"I haven't cried this hard in twenty years. Vet said it was old age. Already adopted another kitty but it isn't the same."

I had many a heart break when losing a pet.

True loyalty.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 63
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/13/2018 3:16:59 AM
The urn necklaces I found on line.
The glass-blown with ashes I had done when my son Ben passed away....
I have a candle holder with his ashes mixed in with the glassblowing porcess.
You can find places on line for this as well.
My other son Micheal wanted to be buried.

I myself am not getting a dog....not yet.
I have another little dog that is getting old and I feel it's not fair to her to get a puppy
till she has too joined her fursister.

My heart is bracing for a second break when it comes to my dogs.
My Suki is still looking for Sikira....I worry that her heart is broken too.
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 64
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/13/2018 5:56:55 AM
^^

After all you have been through, you deserve comfort & love XoX



May this year be your year!
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 65
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/13/2018 3:19:39 PM
OP, you said
It's just not getting any easier. Yes, I know Bailey would not want me to feel this way, but I can't help it.

I would not expect it to be getting any easier this soon, OP. It has been only a few weeks since Bailey left. Do not chastise yourself for grieving. This is the time for grieving. I believe that were he here with you, Bailey would be very supportive and loving with you.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 66
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/14/2018 11:24:11 AM
[Now I have to mention I saw a psychologist last friday and the first question he asked me was, "Do I have suicidal thoughts?" I suffer from depression and when I told him I was sharing thoughts with you he said, "Why are you doing that? You know you aren't supposed to." It's an unwritten rule that two people suffering from active depression aren't supposed to talk with each other so I have to ask. Are my posts bringing you down? That is what can happen. ]

Hi,

As I said, I have my undergraduate in psychology, and my Master's in social work. So, I am pretty well-versed in mental health. That being said, I have never heard about this/what your therapist mentioned to you. I looked through all my books, notes, and racked my brain to try and think of this, but nothing. So, thank you for the info. Also, don't worry about it. I highly doubt I would ever go through with it. I mean, I have thought of ways I would, but I don't think I have the guts to do it. It would damage my mom beyond repair. My grandma would never stop crying. I stopped thinking about all that, until I finally finished that poem I told you about. Basically it said that once a dog leaves the Earth, he finds peace up above. He plays in the field with other dogs, and for a second looks back to see you walking across the Rainbow Bridge. He runs to you, jumps in your arms, and you will now be together forever. Typing this now, I am in tears. That's the only reason I started thinking about all this. I don't think I could ever go through with it. I'd be free, and Bailey and I would be together. I don't know if I could ever harm my Mom and Grandma like that.

[ think it's not to early for you to get another dog. However I think you should get a puppy so the attachment will be stronger]

I have thought about this. Although I have started to look online(animal shelter websites), and am going to inquire about volunteering at the local animal shelter, it still might be hard for me. The shelter is actually located at the entrance to the park we frequented. It's fair to say that I might be tasked with walking some dogs. That would be difficult, but might be good for me.

I never thought something as simple as seeing the snow melt would bring me to tears. I can see the ground now/we would be able to walk again. That's not easy for me. With today being Valentine's day, I usually treat my canine valentine with a take-out meal from our favorite steakhouse. Bailey will bite your nose off(figuratively) for steak and BBQ chicken breast from Texas Roadhouse. Friday will mark one month since he left, and that won't be easy. He was just such a huge part of my life, for so long, this will take a massive amount of time to get over. I know he's not hurting anymore, but I sure am. You might consider that selfish, but maybe not. I knew this was coming eventually, but to see him go so far south in such a short period of time(days) is what really hurts.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 67
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/14/2018 11:29:48 AM
[I have a friend who lost his cat (it died) in June & he was devastated.

what he said:

"I haven't cried this hard in twenty years. Vet said it was old age. Already adopted another kitty but it isn't the same."

I had many a heart break when losing a pet.

True loyalty.]

I think true loyalty is an understatement. Bailey was a gentle dog, but I have no doubt he would have killed for me. He wouldn't allow certain people near me, that have caused me pain in some way in the past. Not even the slightest touch. We could be laying on my bed, someone could try and shake my hand, and the minuted that person crossed what I assume Bailey thought was a healthy distance from me, he was up and ready to cause problems for someone.

Obviously you know how hard it is to lose a pet. I can only ask you how long it took you to get over it all? I have accepted all this, but don't think I will ever get over it.

[
After all you have been through, you deserve comfort & love XoX



May this year be your year!]

Thank you very much, I hope you are right. If something good does happen, I am sure Bailey will have something to do with it.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 68
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/14/2018 11:42:19 AM
[The urn necklaces I found on line.
The glass-blown with ashes I had done when my son Ben passed away....
I have a candle holder with his ashes mixed in with the glassblowing porcess.
You can find places on line for this as well.
My other son Micheal wanted to be buried.



From one of your earlier posts, you mentioned that you were placing your dog's ashes on you son's graves; as in plural/more than one. You lost two children? If you did, I am very sorry. That's even worse than what I am dealing with, but I don't see myself having children(even though I would like to), so Bailey was kind of my kid. Although he pretty much ran the show/I was his property. Tell me more about this glass-blowing thing. I probably wouldn't get something like that done, but I would be interested in knowing how it works/what the finished project is supposed to look like.

[I myself am not getting a dog....not yet.
I have another little dog that is getting old and I feel it's not fair to her to get a puppy
till she has too joined her fursister.

My heart is bracing for a second break when it comes to my dogs.
My Suki is still looking for Sikira....I worry that her heart is broken too.]

I will agree that it wouldn't be fair to your dog if a puppy were brought in. If your dog is getting up there, then I think he/she should be your primary concern, as far as animals are concerned. I will also agree that when one dog of a pair passes, that dog usually has something to deal with. My aunt had two dogs a while back, as she does now. One of them(Jake) passed away due to cancer. Cassie(the other dog) stopped eating, was wandering around the house looking for Jake, would cry often, etc. Animals know when they hurt, physically and emotionally. I hope your Suki find peace soon.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 69
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/14/2018 5:43:56 PM
Yes mentioned your degree and social work and I'm glad you have the knowledge and tools to deal with this. What I've been doing is comparing what you say to my experience because my depression is permanent. I'm thinking maybe it's a hands on thing about two people with active depression not discussing it since it was drilled into my head by the nurses the first time I went to a psyche ward. It turned out they were right. They drilled a lot of things into my head. Torturing yourself with music is another thing they taught me though they didn't say it that way. I guess i didn't explain it right, it's listening to the same song over and over which i got the impression you were doing.


It would damage my mom beyond repair. My grandma would never stop crying. I don't know if I could ever harm my Mom and Grandma like that.

It was so wonderful too read those three sentences for it shows you still care and have so much concern for others that to me it means the Infinite Sadness is not really a part of you.

You haven't mentioned the tattoo in this or the last post but something popped into my head the other day. It's just a suggestion. How about a Dolphin's Jersey with Bailey's name and the number 1 on it.

Now remember you're talking with a crazy person and I've had to accept a lot of things to keep somewhat normal. I'm wondering maybe if your inability to accept Bailey's passing is the main problem. What do you think?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 70
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/15/2018 1:05:02 PM
[Yes mentioned your degree and social work and I'm glad you have the knowledge and tools to deal with this. What I've been doing is comparing what you say to my experience because my depression is permanent. I'm thinking maybe it's a hands on thing about two people with active depression not discussing it since it was drilled into my head by the nurses the first time I went to a psyche ward. It turned out they were right. They drilled a lot of things into my head. Torturing yourself with music is another thing they taught me though they didn't say it that way. I guess i didn't explain it right, it's listening to the same song over and over which i got the impression you were doing.]


I can't say that I have every been to a hospital. At least, not for mental health reasons. I can only imagine how scary it must have been for you. If I had to call it anything, I would say that I am a good candidate for acute stress disorder. I am not sure there is anything in the DSM about short-term depression. Then again, my therapist says I am a good candidate for dysthymia(depression that has lasted at least two years). I'm supposedly this highly-educated person, and I'd like to think that I am, with a great personality to match. Yet, I have nothing to show for it, and I don't mean dating/anything like that. Add in the fact that Bailey has left, and I'm kind of a mess. I have my good days and bad, as you can imagine. Even with the negative stuff, Bailey always made me feel better about it/was my saving grace. Now that he has moved on, what do I have? Sure, I have family, but it's not the same.

[It was so wonderful too read those three sentences for it shows you still care and have so much concern for others that to me it means the Infinite Sadness is not really a part of you.]

Well, I'm glad to hear that from you. As I said, I don't think I could ever go through with it. If I get depressed enough, sure I could; as can everyone else in similar situations. Add in the hard time I am having with everything else, and I may get to that point. However, I still don't know if I would ever have the guts to do it. Knowing what it would do to my Mom or Grandma, that would be too much for me.

[You haven't mentioned the tattoo in this or the last post but something popped into my head the other day. It's just a suggestion. How about a Dolphin's Jersey with Bailey's name and the number 1 on it.

Now remember you're talking with a crazy person and I've had to accept a lot of things to keep somewhat normal. I'm wondering maybe if your inability to accept Bailey's passing is the main problem. What do you think?]

Interesting idea about the tattoo. I'm still looking into how much this would cost me, where to go around here, etc. I'm going to think about that, because it's an interesting idea. I was actually going to get him a custom pet jersey at some point, but they stopped selling them/making them. Do you remember te details of my design: the red heart, blue dog bone stretched across with his name in block letters, with maybe a paw print or two on the bottom of the heart? I was looking online the other day as well, and ran across this little bit that was on another tattoo "a piece of me left with you". What do you think of that.

First, we are all screwed up in some way. I think I have accepted the fact that he has moved on. He had a lot going on, but I guess the problem I have is trying to understand how it could happen so fast? How do you go from fine on Sunday(even with stuff going on), to gone on Friday? It remind me a lot of my grandpa. He had liver cancer, but it wasn't discovered until shortly before he passed. I'm pretty sure he hid everything until he couldn't take it anymore. Maybe Bailey did that too? Maybe he did that for me?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/15/2018 9:13:22 PM

If I had to call it anything, I would say that I am a good candidate for acute stress disorder.

I was thinking you have suffered from depression for a while because you mentioned twice before that the infinite sadness had entered your thoughts. I just didn't mention it. I'm glad to hear your seeing someone. I had asked before and your either missed the question or I missed the answer.


I'm supposedly this highly-educated person, and I'd like to think that I am, with a great personality to match.

Your personality is the reason I'm talking with you. Jan 14 isn't my join date, it's the day I changed my name. I came back here in june and would have read every post you made since I read most everything except the political crap. Do you remember telling you to keep your mind occupied? That's why I came back to keep mine occupied.


Yet, I have nothing to show for it,

Your mind is malfunctioning so the depression makes you see the negative easier than the positive. I imagine you still feel beyond-sad. Except for family I can't imagine you're interacting with many other people in a social setting. I don't consider the gym as qualifying.

Yes fluctuating between good and bad days can be so disconcerting. Some of those bad days can be almost intolerable. I'll throw this at you. It is a way to monitor yourself. Don't do in now, wait until you figure that your good days out number the bad. Compare the number of good days to the bad and you'll get an idea of how you're improving. Oddly enough I use music.

You have your memories of how much he loved you. Remember he loved you so much that when things had become problematic he busted the bathroom door down he was so concerned.


If I get depressed enough, sure I could; as can everyone else in similar situations.

I don't talk about depression ever with anyone so hopefully this is understandable. In order to reach the point where infinite sadness takes over, your mind will have to turn inward and you'll stop caring about anyone else.


Interesting idea about the tattoo.

Yes I remember your design and i'm glad your looking into it. "A piece of me left with you" would be a wonderful thing to add to it. The only things I know about tattoos is that design and size determines the price.


Maybe Bailey did that too? Maybe he did that for me?

I wouldn't rule it out, after all he broke down a bathroom door for you.He understood you so well then that when you had those problems he helped you deal with them in his way.

I'm curious, what do you do and have you taken time off? Myself I almost work for a railroad.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/15/2018 11:00:49 PM
I forgot to add this. It's a song about a relationship by Chicago. Lyrics are on the video. This line made me think of what Bailey might want for you now

And knowing that you would have wanted it this way
I do believe I'm feelin' stronger every day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRK5oPG6rSM
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/18/2018 12:49:51 PM
It's been a month and two days since Bailey left, and I can honestly say life has never been more difficult. The depression things comes and goes, which I suppose is a good thing. Obviously, this past Friday wasn't an easy day, since that was the one-month thing. Then of course I am wondering whether or not I said good bye to him, or thanked him before he left. I'm told I did, and from what I can recall, I did, but I am still doubting myself. As I said, the feelings come and go. Even in the gym, when I am between sets I can't help but think about Bailey/he drifts into my head. If I ever find myself ready to cry, I walk into one of the changing rooms.

[Yes getting another dog now would help you to fill all that downtime you have especially if it is difficult to house train. Think of all the time you'll spend cleaning up after it.]

i agree with this, but I am feeling like it is too soon. I have been looking on the websites of the local shelters around here, and Petsmart is having an adopt-a-thon this weekend. Since I needed fish food yesterday, still can't bring myself to go in there for obvious reasons, I had to have someone else get it for me. Over time I may be able to step back into Bailey's favorite place to shot(yes, we went shopping there), but everything is too fresh. As for the dog, I would look into getting myself a new companion now, but I think it might be too soon. It's only been a month. As much as I say I would be interested right now, maybe I am not ready. Maybe I will never be ready.

[Again just one song? I know it seems i'm obsessed with this and the reason is. Cliche #2. A song can actually take on a life of it's own in a person's mind when depressed. I don't see that happening with you from your description of how your depression is affecting you now. However a variety of songs would be better since they would give you different ideas to think about.]

For some reasons, I thought of an old-school rap song the other night. I am listening to that at the moment. Obviously, I still listen to the other stuff; but I am trying to stop. I'm trying not to torture myself, but whether or not I am trying hard enough isn't for me to say.
 _Rise_Above_This_
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/19/2018 7:06:22 PM
I don't know what the fuck to write.
 _Rise_Above_This_
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/20/2018 1:19:12 AM
Is your thinking similar to this?

I can't stand up, and I can't sit down
Cause a great big problem stopped me in my tracks
I can't relax cause I haven't done a thing
And I can't do a thing cause I can't relax
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