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 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 76
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)Page 4 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

It's been a month and two days since Bailey left, and I can honestly say life has never been more difficult.

Do you feel you're still in the same place after a month? I noticed something missing from your posts or you just haven't shared. Are you doing anything to help yourself? You mentioned a therapist or something like that. Any ideas from him about how to cope? You're the one that has to teach yourself ways to deal with your loss. Others can only help. Is there anything in your degree that has helped you? If so feel free to write a novel because I know I could learn something from you.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 77
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/22/2018 11:13:35 AM
[I can't stand up, and I can't sit down
Cause a great big problem stopped me in my tracks
I can't relax cause I haven't done a thing
And I can't do a thing cause I can't relax]

Believe it or not, none of this really applies to me. I can sit/stand when I please. I haven't caused any problems, for anyone else. I have had to deal with small problems, as a result of someone else, but never as a result of me. For example: how my brother's wife is towards my mom/my extended family. As I said, she and her family lost a massive amount of points as a result of saying absolutely nothing about Bailey, other than telling me "yeah, I hear you" after I said it's been a tough couple of weeks. I'm starting to learn a lot about her. I would have been condemned if I didn't say anything about her dog passing, but that's not a concern of mine anymore.

[Do you feel you're still in the same place after a month? I noticed something missing from your posts or you just haven't shared. Are you doing anything to help yourself? You mentioned a therapist or something like that. Any ideas from him about how to cope? You're the one that has to teach yourself ways to deal with your loss. Others can only help. Is there anything in your degree that has helped you? If so feel free to write a novel because I know I could learn something from you.]

I do feel that I am in the same place.....somewhat. Like I said, I have my good and bad days. Whenever I start to feel bad, I try and think of all the great times we had over the years. The time I thought he had killed a chipmunk; when I came home from walking him in the park and needed stitches in three places, plus and MRI, all the food he ripped off, etc. I will say that eating dinner had been difficult. Every time we eat it is always difficult, because we might have something he liked. The problem is that he liked pretty much everything he could get his paws on. I'm going to have to start eating through a tube.

As for my therapist, he really told me I should take all the time I need to grieve. People grieve at/for different periods of time. It might be short, long, etc. He only just told me to take my time. Someone recently told me that "it is what it is", because I was feeling sad/had tiers in my eyes. I didn't appreciate that at all. So, I politely asked them never to tell me that again, instead of jumping down their throats as I should have. I'm trying to expand my social circle, if you want to call it that. I'm thinking of volunteering at the local animal shelter, etc. As of right now, my social opportunities are kind of limited. Some would tell you that I am keeping myself in my own little prison(emotionally/ socially), and that isn't helping me deal with Bailey any better. That's the basis of my therapy at the moment. Everything else I have learned is dealing with theories, etc. We are really looking for solutions at the moment, because I guess you could consider me a "high-functioning person", even though I have things to deal with, that are limiting my life a great deal.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 78
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/22/2018 1:05:52 PM
I'm glad it doesn't apply to you because it's an uglier place to be. The fact you feel the same after a month might mean this may be your starting point for dealing with your depression. Until you do welcome to your new normal. Yes I mean it. My new normal happened over 20 years ago. As you deal with the grief you'll change again.


Someone recently told me that "it is what it is", because I was feeling sad/had tiers in my eyes. I didn't appreciate that at all. So, I politely asked them never to tell me that again, instead of jumping down their throats as I should have.

Holy Fuck. Think about it. No one is taught how to deal with death so what he said was just a colloquialism. I know it tore your heart out but you have to expect people to use terms like that. Do you usually get this excited about other things?


Some would tell you that I am keeping myself in my own little prison(emotionally/ socially), and that isn't helping me deal with Bailey any better.

I believe it. How much have you isolated yourself? Are you spending time with your ass parked, listening to what ever song/music thinking about Bailey? If so I think your feeding your depression. What else are you doing to fill in your time because you don't need down time for your mind.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 79
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/23/2018 11:42:13 AM
Well I can't imagine you'll post for another three days and I have the time so I'm just going to write and I'll start by mentioning how fu[/]cking distubing I found your first post to be. It still fucking eats at me.Then you had to say this.


Some would tell you that I am keeping myself in my own little prison(emotionally/ socially), and that isn't helping me deal with Bailey any better.

If you like Pink Floyd's "The Wall" give a listen to it now, takes on a whole new meaning. Do you think you need to be spending more time alone doing the thing you shouldn't be doing. Thinking exclusively about Bailey. I'm guessing your doing it because he was the center of your life and it's so overwhelmed you you're more or less lost in those thoughts. You say you have good and bad days, are any of the good days ending as good days? Are you ending your days listening to music and thinking about him?

If you're doing things like that then your thinking is going in a circle, you'll ask all the same questions, get all the same answers and the lack of a solution can make you little sadder. Is this your plan for Friday night? You share your's, I'll share mine.

I will occupy my mind. Forums. tv, music whatever it takes to keep me distracted and wait for a post from the only person I talk with.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 80
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/27/2018 5:29:49 PM
[
Holy ****. Think about it. No one is taught how to deal with death so what he said was just a colloquialism. I know it tore your heart out but you have to expect people to use terms like that. Do you usually get this excited about other thin]

My mom actually said this, when I was in one my normal sad-spells. It's been pretty nice out the last few days, so you know I am not handling that well. If Bailey were here, we would be walking. Foolishly, I went for a walk by myself in the park yesterday. That was no the greatest idea. Every dog I saw looked almost exactly like him. Why I continue to punish myself like this is beyond me. I actually think I deserve to be punished, so I just do it myself/ just want to make myself feed as bad as I can. I just can't understand it. I guess you can relate it to me keeping myself in my own little prison, like I mentioned before. I can't say I am just sobbing in front of the tv all day. I am going to the gym daily, and haven't lost motivation to do things. With the exception of going to the gym, and school for all those yeasrs(which has proven useless as of right now), that's pretty much it. That doesn't mean I don't want to do things, or that I would if I was presented with the opportunity to do stuff with others. It's really screwed up.

I'm sure this doesn't have everything to do with Bailey; but everything else I may have to deal with has been alleviated by Bailey. Sure, I have family; but that's another story.

I am glad you are talking to me. Oddly enough, it makes me feel good to be someone you like to enjoy talking to/it takes your mind off things.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 81
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 2/28/2018 3:14:44 PM
You are not punishing yourself because you can't avoid what's happening. Your lives were so intertwined that you and Bailey spent almost all your time together and now your're doing those same things alone. Because of this you can't avoid feeling you're being punished. Almost everything you do reminds you of him and it's beating you over the head constantly. Could be frustration with the situation which makes you think you're making things worse.

You mentioned that sometimes between sets you'd tear up and that walk in the park must have been hell but both involved your mind being at rest. That is the worst time for someone like us because once your mind is at rest the problem takes over. Is it like that for you?

I think I mentioned keeping your mind occupied and it's something you need to do even if you have to force yourself. When do you think less about Bailey? Would it be when you're doing something that challenges your mind? You need to find something that will occupy your mind and time so you think less about him when your alone at home. How much time do you spend thinking about him after supper?

How about the tattoo? Getting anywhere? How big do you figure the heart and bone will be?

For me depression came to stay over 20 years ago and I remember how helpless I felt back then and that's why I'm here. You need someone to talk to about things, anythings. Spend to much time alone doing nothing will just feed your depression and make the walls of your prison stronger..

Remember I've never talked about these sorts of things with anyone so post faster if you don't understand something I said. Hell I don't understand some of the things I said.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 82
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/1/2018 3:34:15 PM
Weekends coming up and lots of spare time. Come and talk I'm usually not far away.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 83
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/2/2018 11:37:13 PM
Since the weekends here I have to ask have you made any plans to fill all that free time? I'm curious do you think about Bailey constantly or do thoughts of him roll over your mind constantly during the day? Either way you have to find things to do that will distract your mind from thinking about him. Thinking about him depresses you therefore less thinking about him may offer some release. I know I'm repeating myself.

As I said before I'm comparing you to me and thankfully you display none of the symptoms that can feed on each other. I'll just touch on "motivation.'. If you become indifferent and stop doing things it leaves you more time to think about that which troubles you the most. It can also lead to an "I don't know what to do attitude."


Sure, I have family; but that's another story.

Does this other story piss you off? Maybe share it to relieve the pressure. Remember saying " instead of jumping down their throats." Depression and anger don't mix well.
 prettybrwneyedone
Joined: 6/1/2017
Msg: 84
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/4/2018 9:07:46 PM
Sending my sincere condolences to you. I understand as I'm a dog lover and owner. I know when I lost my beloved King, part of me died that day. Pets are way more than just an animal - they're by our sides through so many situations and they always love unconditionally. Cherish your memories and keep his collar somewhere near you..

I've rescued every dog that I've owned in my adulthood. I lost my previous two within a year of each other - one to kidney disease and the other to cancer. When enough time has passed, you might be open to another dog or to foster. Your bond was deep and you will forever miss them. I know my reply to you is months later, so I hope you've found some solace and comfort.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 85
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/5/2018 12:36:37 PM
[Since the weekends here I have to ask have you made any plans to fill all that free time? I'm curious do you think about Bailey constantly or do thoughts of him roll over your mind constantly during the day? Either way you have to find things to do that will distract your mind from thinking about him. Thinking about him depresses you therefore less thinking about him may offer some release. I know I'm repeating myself.]

well, my brother's birthday was Friday. His party was obviously over his house, so I went to that. He and I did have sort of a disagreement while there. For some reason I told him about those tacos I had, and that I ate them next to Bailey. He laughed, and said he didn't want to hear that. That didn't sit well with me. As another family member said, he doesn't understand the relationship Bailey and I had. Additionally, he seems to have sold Bailey out for his wife's run of a dog. I told my therapist what he said, and I was told not to forget what he said when Riley's time comes. I found it to be completely cruel. Especially from him, because he grew up with Bailey too. Bailey did things for him that Riley didn't/hadn't. So, he's in the dog house, so to speak. Other than that, I am just trying to keep myself occupied.

I sent out thank you cards to his oncologist and her staff, as well as our regular vet for their care of him. That was not easy. I included a picture of Bailey with the cards, and that didn't go over well. Even now that it has been a whole month, it still hurts beyond words. I thought it might get somewhat easier, but it hasn't. He was just such a large part of my life for so long. Now he's gone. He used to sleep on his pillow in my room at night. I'm still looking for him at night, and still looking for him in the morning. Add in the fact that my company downsized for financial reasons, and being the youngest there, I was the first to go. I am just an online tutor at the moment. It's keeping my mind busy for sure, but I would prefer to leave home. I am looking into volunteering at the local animal shelter too. TO give me my "dog fix" until I get a new pooch
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 86
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/5/2018 6:44:05 PM

As another family member said, he doesn't understand the relationship Bailey and I had.

He never will because you two developed different relationships with Bailey and because of this saw him differently. Your bond with Bailey was absolute because of your relationship whereas your brother could be called a visitor mainly. Your brother's feeling aren't going to be as strong as yours. Keep in mind neither your brother nor anyone else can understand how this has affected you. Care to try and explain depression to them?

I'm sure you're finding ways to occupy your mind now that you're always home but it is nice to have a reason to go out. Volunteering would be a reason. I imagine it will look more promising the longer you're stuck at home. Do you go to the gym everyday?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 87
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/7/2018 11:20:06 AM
[Sending my sincere condolences to you. I understand as I'm a dog lover and owner. I know when I lost my beloved King, part of me died that day. Pets are way more than just an animal - they're by our sides through so many situations and they always love unconditionally. Cherish your memories and keep his collar somewhere near you..

I've rescued every dog that I've owned in my adulthood. I lost my previous two within a year of each other - one to kidney disease and the other to cancer. When enough time has passed, you might be open to another dog or to foster. Your bond was deep and you will forever miss them. I know my reply to you is months later, so I hope you've found some solace and comfort.]

Thank you very much. Although it's creeping up on two months, it feels like it was just yesterday. Although I have my good and bad days, not a day goes by that I don't tier up. It's funny to think that when Bailey first came home, I was scared of him, and actually wanted to take him back to the shelter for a brief time. I always though him keeping his mouth open was a sign he would bit me, when he was only breathing. I've been his property ever since I worked through that. THANK GOD for that. Like your dogs, he was also a rescue dog. In reality, he rescued me. Thinking about it now;' life would have been seriously empty and boring if it wasn't for him. I was having a really tough time with life in 2007. I wanted to do something I probably shouldn't have, but Bailey stopped me. He followed me everywhere I went. If I was alone, he'd be right behind me; trips to the kitchen to get some more iced tea, the shower(he'd wait outside the shower, but in the bathroom.

I am staring to look into another dog, since I am incredibly lonely at the moment. Yes, I have family and all; but not having a set of paws to come home too is incredibly upsetting. I don't see myself ever dating/a woman being by my side, so another dog is what I need. I have started looking, but still don't know if I can get another dog, and not feel like I am forgetting about Bailey.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 88
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/7/2018 11:55:56 AM
[He never will because you two developed different relationships with Bailey and because of this saw him differently. Your bond with Bailey was absolute because of your relationship whereas your brother could be called a visitor mainly. Your brother's feeling aren't going to be as strong as yours. Keep in mind neither your brother nor anyone else can understand how this has affected you. Care to try and explain depression to them?]

The more I think about the way he responded, the angrier I get. He knows how close Bailey and I were/are. Why would he say something like this? The more I think about it, the more I start to think it has something to do with his wife. She has a little runt of a dog, and I am thinking it has something to do with that. My brother pretty much sold Bailey out, as I like to say. When he came to see Bailey the night before he died, that's the guy that grew up with Bailey. Riley(her dog) is a good dog and all, but he will never be the type of dog Bailey was. Actually, she's gone kind of cold; as far as how she interacts with her husband's side of the family. I am convinced she doesn't even like me, and that's just fine. She and her family lost major points with me when they asked me how I was; I responded that "it's been a though couple of weeks", and their response was "yeah, I hear ya".

I do go to the gym every day, with the exception of Thursday. I like to rest on that day. I wasn't able to go at my regular time yesterday, but instead of not going at all, I went late at night. It was surprisingly crowded at that time, and it was kind of neat. I had a lot on my mind yesterday; Bailey included. it helped for sure.

Bailey was especially on my mind yesterday because I made the mistake of going back to Petsmart for the first time since he passed. I had to get stuff for my fish. I thought I would be able to slip in, get the stuff, and slip out. No such luck. The place was filled with dogs. Bailey and I loved to shop there. If he were here, we would have gone yesterday. As you can assume, I started to tier up. To make myself suffer even more, I decided to stop at their adoptions desk and inquire. That was cause for tiers too. I shouldn't have gone in at all; I knew what would happen.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 89
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/7/2018 1:18:21 PM
Care to explain "sold out?" The only thing I can think your brother might have done is pay attention to the dog he lives with.


He knows how close Bailey and I were/are.

Yes but he can't imagine the bond that you two developed, one has to live it to understand it. After all you didn't comprehend depression until you lived it. You don't seem to understand why he has a different point of view.

Have you gone through what you've learned to see if there's anything helpful? If so what?

Do you interact with the dogs when you're at pet smart? What's keeping you from volunteering? I'm sure it would be helpful.

And again what about the tattoo?
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 90
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/8/2018 12:19:29 PM
[Care to explain "sold out?" The only thing I can think your brother might have done is pay attention to the dog he lives with]

Well, I have always said Bailey was my #1(dog). My brother grew up with Bailey too. Bailey was the dog that was next to him after his ACLL and appendix surgeries. Bailey was the dog that was by his side, if he wasn't with me. Even before he was married, Bailey was no longer his #1. Exactly what has Riley done for Matt, that Bailey hasn't? As far as I am concerned, Riley has a lot of catching up to do. Beyond that, I watched him for a week a few years back when he and his wife were on vacation. I got in trouble because I said Riley wasn't my new #1. Seriously? They expect me to say a dog I see every-so-often is my new #1, and hat my own dog is not as important? I understand what you mean, and I tend to agree with you. However, Bailey should still be his #1.

[Yes but he can't imagine the bond that you two developed, one has to live it to understand it. After all you didn't comprehend depression until you lived it. You don't seem to understand why he has a different point of view.]

This is true. I still can't forget how he acted when I said I ate my tacos by his ashes. Why would that be an issue for him? I wouldn't say anything like that if his wife said she eats dinner by her dog's ashes. I honestly think it has a lot to do with his wife. She was a lot different before they were married. Now I think I am seeing more of the real her. Don't forget the massive amount of points she and her family lost, because they didn't say anything about Bailey.

I might be going to a shelter today, to see what dogs are looking for homes. I am not sure I am ready though. What if I see a dog I absolutely love? Has enough time passed? I definetley need a dog/miss having a dog, but is now the right time?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 91
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/8/2018 5:12:26 PM
Well it's nice to see you came back and posted so quickly. Do you think your mood is improving? Can you even tell?


They expect me to say a dog I see every-so-often is my new #1, and that my own dog is not as important?


The way I see it's your depression and grief that preventing you from seeing why your brothers point of view conflicts with yours. Bailey was your life and from looking at your profile the only relationship you've ever had. Yeah he was your #1 but remember he had no one to compete with. Now you brother may have lived with you or whatever but he's had relationships, has a wife, maybe kids, friends. in-laws whatever else so eventually whatever bond he had with Bailey was weakened though it was never as strong as yours anyways. As for that quote why would you expect them to see Bailey as their #1 after all he was an ever-so-often dog to them. You have to know that everyone referred to Bailey as "your dog" not someone else's.

There's probably a medical term for it, let me know if there is one. What I see is you superimposing your grief onto your brother and not being able to understand why he doesn't feel the same way. It's time to stop it. His opinion will not change and neither will yours so dealing with this is pointless and I would say it's aggravating your condition. Is this eating at you so badly that it's become an obsession? Dwelling on it will either bring you down more or turn into anger. By the way you're more easily annoyed now aren't you?

You won't find this in your text books but it may help. You have to teach at times yourself not to give a fuck what other people think. Your brother and his family have already lost respect because of this and nothing will change it. When you wake up in the morning nothing will have changed and then what. Are you going to get worked up all over again. It hurts you like hell right now and will bother you forever but will not change. Accept their opinion as is and be done with it or continue driving yourself crazy over nothing you can do. Can you say fuck it and move on? I suggest you try

I'm curious, since that birthday party have you socialized with anyone? The gym doesn't count unless you parked your ass and talked with someone.


Has enough time passed? I definetley need a dog/miss having a dog, but is now the right time?

Well it's been almost seven weeks now and you can't made a decision about this which makes me wonder in that time if you have done anything to help yourself deal with this clusterfuck your mind has become? I've read and reread your recent posts looking for a clue that you are doing something to help yourself. There's nothing.

Are you becoming indifferent? I intentionally mentioned the tattoo twice because it means so much to you and your response was nothing.

I said before it's up to you to decide when is the right time to get a new dog and volunteering is unlikely considering your condition so try this. Put on sunglasses and go play with the dogs at petsmart. If you tier up you can walk away and come back after you calm down. Of course the sunglasses will hide the tears when they start. Since you're not working you can do it everyday and eventually you should stop getting so emotional. When that happens it will be time to either volunteer or get a Yepremian.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 92
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/10/2018 2:14:42 AM

He laughed, and said he didn't want to hear that

Do you realize that can be taken two ways. He either didn't want to hear the story or he didn't want to hear about Bailey. When socializing have you developed the habit of talking about Bailey way to much? If so, you risk the chance of alienating those around you. In the past month has anyone other than your therapist offered you any useful advice. You should realize family and friends aren't much help since they can't understand what you're going through. Grief is one thing, depression is beyond their comprehension.

"Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions" is one of the symptoms and I feel directly related to you're inability to decide on volunteering or getting another dog. Do you think you can look at the symptoms again and see which ones are affecting you and how? It will give you something different to think about and hopefully that thinking involves overcoming that which afflicts you. Thinking about solutions to the problems would be better than just letting those problems roll around in your mind on their own.

I know I've said it before but Please remember I'm doing a lot of guessing based on my experiences which may or may not apply. Because of this if you disagree with me or think I've said something stupid bring it up and we'll discuss it.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 93
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/12/2018 1:05:48 PM
Hi,

[Bailey as their #1 after all he was an ever-so-often dog to them. You have to know that everyone referred to Bailey as "your dog" not someone else's.]

I don't think I was clear on this one. I think I told you I feel my brother's wife doesn't eve n like me. I think part of the reason for that is because her dog was not my #1. I used to be his sitter, and am not anymore. I can remember we were having dinner at their house, and we started discussing Bailey and Riley. I think I said Riley wasn't my #1, he was my #10. Bailey was #1-9. I think she really thought I didn't like the dog. I like the dog very much, but he was not/will never be Bailey.

[There's probably a medical term for it, let me know if there is one. What I see is you superimposing your grief onto your brother and not being able to understand why he doesn't feel the same way. It's time to stop it. His opinion will not change and neither will yours so dealing with this is pointless and I would say it's aggravating your condition. Is this eating at you so badly that it's become an obsession? Dwelling on it will either bring you down more or turn into anger. By the way you're more easily annoyed now aren't you?]

I think you are talking about projection, but I might be wrong. It's a psych term that basically means transfering feelings. It's hard to say what I am doing. Yes, we are brothers, but I don't think we were ever that close. I'm probably wrong, but I don't know. The weekend after Bailey died, he was talking about us doing something together. I haven't heard anything since then, and don't say anything. It must not mean that much to him. For my birthday last year, he gave me "vouchers" for rounds of golf with him, lunch and golf, etc. We had six months, and never went once. Also consider the fact that he went golfing with his wife's family a lot. They even went on a weekend trip. I realize he has a new family now, and his brother-in-law has now taken the place of me. As far as how he feels about Bailey/how he understands my massive loss, I don't know. Bailey and I were PICs for a very long time. My loss was a lot worse than his, but it was a significant loss to him too. He grew up with Bailey. Things change when you're married I guess. Maybe I just haven't fully adjusted to those changes yet.

As of right now, I am looking at adopting a new dog withing a few days(possibly). This time around, it will be a female beagle by the name of Daisy. At some point during all of Bailey's years I started calling him Bailey Paws(nickname). She's a little smaller than Bailey, and I am not looking to replace Bailey ever. I would like another beagle though. The issue is that Bailey will be the measuring stick for all future dogs. I hope to not say to myself "Bailey didn't do that", or he/she doesn't have the same characteristics as Bailey. I am hoping not to do that. I did go look at the same shelter we got Bailey from. It was not easy, and I was crying once I got inside. I even looked up to the sky and asked Bailey to help me out here/help me get through this. There was even a beagle there that I liked name Banjo. He looks a lot like Daisy, but another family is interested in him, so he was off limits for now. I am looking forward to having a dog around here again. I give up all I have/will ever have for one last walk with Bailey. That probably won't happen until I die, whenever that will be. Maybe I will keep adding bones to that tattoo; one for every dog. I'm working on that too. Shopping around for places to get the best work, at the best price. A bunch of guys from the gym want to tag along with me too.

Speaking of the gym. I always talk to people while at the gym. My workouts, depending on what muscle group I work on that day, always take about the same time. If I usually take longer, which I often do, it's because I am talking to people. I've been asking a lot of guys about their tattoos. That's how I am learning about the process, how much they might charge/how they charge, etc.

My therapist and I are actually working on the "don't give a ****" thing. That's one of the biggest problems I have: being a people pleaser. That's a result of me being the son of an alcoholic father. I am working on tit though. I won't say it is working right now, but I have began to worry less about what people think. My old therapist said that I should wear my hear a little longer to cover up my hearing aid, and the stuff that was done during the surgeries I had. I get my hair cut every two weeks. Maybe that is a good example. I don't care what people think of it. I like to look good, and having short hair is a big part of that. Who cares if a potential date thinks everything my short hair makes evident is weird. It will take work to make sure I transfer this to all areas of my life. I'm also starting to ask myself one question if I am ever in a situation that is troubling: what would Bailey do?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 94
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/12/2018 3:33:48 PM
Ok I understand now and your probably right she doesn't like you. Only a self centered idiot would expect you or anyone to pick someone else's dog #1 over their own. I imagine as soon as you were out of earshot she started talking about you behind your back ****ing to everyone that you didn't pick Riley as your #1. Of course your brother would hear it first and probably constantly. Who knows if she's ****ed about you enough during their marriage she might have convinced him you weren't worth his time. Speculation of course.

I don't know what PICs is and can't find it nor figure it out.

I'm glad you're looking at finding a dog and able to check into the tattoo. Appears to me you've made some friends since they want to tag along and hopefully it turns into socialising which would be much better of course than spending so much time alone. How long do you work out for? I hurt my back last November and I'm going through tertiary which takes about 3 hours though lifting weights is a minor part of it.

I had to teach myself not to give a crap though it took few years before I figured out I needed to do that. Working out of town didn't allow me to ever seek counselling until this tertiary. I only went three times since on the third visit he said my name twice in the first 5 minutes. Problem was it wasn't my name.

Part of not giving a fuck for me was teaching myself to be indifferent to things people would say that might conflict with my own morals and values. For example I came back to the forums last June and until you created your thread I was indifferent to the others, mainly just reading. To me a big part of it was learning to put myself first since I was like you, a people pleaser. The most important thing I taught myself was acceptance of the way my life is. At times it can even vanquishes my depression for short periods.


Who cares if a potential date thinks everything my short hair makes evident is weird.

Despite the fact many forumites are obsessed with the thought that looks are so important, it means nothing without chemistry. You can be the handsomest guy or most beautiful woman and it means nothing if you're an asshole. How else do good looking people pick, what other people think is an unattractive partner. Chemistry. I assume you're talking about scars and chemistry is what will make a woman overlook them. Hell you're a good looking guy and if I was gay I'd ask you out LOL

[quote[It will take work to make sure I transfer this to all areas of my life.
Haven't you done it twice now? I'm talking about the sister-in-law.


I'm also starting to ask myself one question if I am ever in a situation that is troubling: what would Bailey do?

Well considering he cared so much about you that he broke down a bathroom door I'll suggest he would want you to do the right things for yourself.



Finally I have to say I think you've improved because this post you just made pretty much contains only thoughts of improving things in your life.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 95
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/14/2018 12:31:46 PM
Will get back to you tomorrow. Got rear-ended going to gym yesterday, so I'm a little messed up today
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 96
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/14/2018 2:58:08 PM
Like you needed that. I'll be waiting.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 97
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/16/2018 11:02:23 AM
Well, I can't say I'm doing much better than I was yesterday. A few hours at the hospital, x-rays, and a CAT scan told me I'm not really screwed up. Just a bad case of whiplash I will most likely be dealing with for the next month. The guy that hit me was going pretty fast. How my car is still in one piece I won't understand. On the other hand, his car will need a lot of work. They are calling it his fault too. He hit me, so I can't see how it can be my fault. Funny thing is, I was 100 feet from the gym parking lot. Initially, I just kind of froze after being hit. I just kind of sat in the car and asked myself "what just happened". Again, how the car only has scratches on it is beyond me.

[
Ok I understand now and your probably right she doesn't like you. Only a self centered idiot would expect you or anyone to pick someone else's dog #1 over their own. I imagine as soon as you were out of earshot she started talking about you behind your back ****ing to everyone that you didn't pick Riley as your #1. Of course your brother would hear it first and probably constantly. Who knows if she's ****ed about you enough during their marriage she might have convinced him you weren't worth his time. Speculation of course.]

I am beginning to learn a lot more about my brother's wife, and I am starting to get worried for him. It was nice that he sent me a text message before I got home the other day(mom must have told him). I didn't expect to hear from her, but it would have been nice. I'm starting to see that my brother has turned into a"yes man". Anything she wants done gets done immediately. Date I say Bailey will always be my brother's#1. He just can't make it known that he cares for another dog/holds another dog(the dog he grew up with) higher than the almighty Riley. I'm almost certain she has a little to say behind my back. That's why I don't go over their house often, or tend to remove myself when they come over here; I feel very strange/awkward. It's like she is watching me with a hawk when I am around my niece. She's pregnant again, and I honestly don't think my brother had any say in the matter. With this new dog coming in, I wonder if my brother will even get to meet this dog. She's just very weird. She often doesn't even talk to my mom. I tested her a while back, to see what she would do. When we had a family get-together, I didn't say hello to see if she would say anything. She failed that test. She's just weird, and I am distancing myself from her. Add in the fact that she took 24 hours to say something about Bailey(and only because my brother laid into her), and her family said nothing; they have lost massive points with me.

PIC=partner in crime. Bailey and I never did anything to get us in trouble, but we were inseparable(almost). Even with a potential new dog coming in, I am not sure I want a new dog: I only want Bailey. It hasn't been much of a winter where I live; so we'd be out walking today. A tradition we have on my birthday is going on an "early walk"(walk late in the morning/early afternoon. as opposed to regular time: 5-6:00). What happens to that tradition? A few years back he wouldn't stop walking during that "early walk". He squeezed out 4 miles that day, in a park with steep hills, etc. What 13 y.o. dog does that? What would have been his 15th birthday is coming up the day before Easter. Even though my mom and I will still be going to dinner to celebrate his life, it won't be the same.

Daisy could be coming to her new home on Sunday afternoon. We are possibly adopting her through PetSmart charities. She's a 2 y.o. beagle. She looks like the female version of Bailey. My worry is that I am ready for this. I miss having a dog around, but am I really ready to see another set of paws(not Bailey's) calling the shots around here? Bailey ran the show around home. He was a bit of a child, dictator, con-artist, etc. Walking alone isn't much fun, and it would be nice to have someone by my side. I just don't know if I can go to the golf course or the park and not get sad that the dog walking next to me isn't Bailey. I always promised Bailey we would live in one of the condos inside the park someday. I wasn't able to fulfill the promise to him(the only one I ever missed). Every time I walk/drive past them I start to tier up, and apologize to him for not making good on my promise.

The tattoo is coming along. I have the design, and based on the accident and how I am feeling(pain and suffering) I apparently might get money out of the deal. The first thing I do will be the tattoo. Funny thing is I am getting TONS of voicemails from all over Ohio looking to represent me in a lawsuit. Forget about mail. It's ridiculous. Back to the socializing, I usually work out about 90/120 minutes. Part of the time I am talking to the guys I know well. Being there is like a social relief for me/therapy. I shouldn't have gone last nigh, being that it was the day after the accident. That was a mistake, based on how I felt walking out. I just has to go. I am trying to make an effort to meet new people up there, and expand my social circle. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.


{Hell you're a good looking guy and if I was gay I'd ask you out LOL]

Ya know, I am starting to think this is the only way I will ever get a date/start to date consistently. Not really interested in switching teams though. Just give me a dog, and I am fine with that.

I am honestly in agreement with you somewhat. I mean I still am tearing up at night/whenever during the day when I think about all the good times we had. I'd give up all I own/will ever own for one last walk. one more dinner from Texas Roadhouse for us to share, etc. Bailey was just such a large part of my life, for such a long time. I thank God nightly for taking care of him for such a long time, but still ask why he had to go now. I knew he wouldn't be here forever, but to see him go so fast was too much. I was preparing for that day, but it was still way too fast. I am trying to improve things in my life, but still find myself reverting back to my old ways or punishing myself for anything I can think of. It's hard for sure. This new dog coming in will certainly help, but am I welcoming a dog too soon. Have I healed enough. Even last night laying in bed, I cried thinking about this new dog, and just telling myself I only want one dog.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 98
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/16/2018 12:36:40 PM
I predict (and trust me I know things) that the new doggo coming into your life is just what you need. She'll be licking your face, wagging her tail, just so excited to be with you, you'll cry grateful tears that 'the wonder that is a dog' is back in your life. Albeit in another form, but channeling all the doggy goodness that was also in your Bailey~
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 99
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/16/2018 5:41:26 PM
Up here it is always the fault of the person who rear ends someone though we can't sue. Nice that your car has so little damage since you definitely need it to look for a job and especially to get out whenever you can. Being trapped at home would have been very detrimental. The money from a lawsuit would come in handy right now. Hopefully the shyster you get is actually looking out for your interests and of course you can get that tattoo. Nice to know you have the design and will be done.

As for your sister-in-law the term I'd use is fucked in the head though it wouldn't be her fault. Try not to be to harsh because she had very little control on how her personality developed. Now that you've described her more I'm guessing there's probably something in the DSM to diagnose her. I say this because some years ago I read a study that said 75% of the population suffer from some sort of mental disorder though it's so minor it doesn't affect the greater majority to the degree they would need treatment. No I didn't dream it because I don't dream or never remember them.

As for your brother. Do you think at some point in the future he may come to talk with you about his situation? I don't think you're wrong about his marriage which may eventually cause him problems and he will want to talk with someone.


My worry is that I am ready for this. I miss having a dog around, but am I really ready to see another set of paws(not Bailey's) calling the shots around here? Bailey ran the show around home. He was a bit of a child, dictator, con-artist, etc.

Of course Daisy will not have the same personality so try to avoid comparing her to Bailey once you bring her home. As for being ready I agree with MsSkeezix. Ready or not it's time to bring Daisy home.


Part of the time I am talking to the guys I know well. Being there is like a social relief for me/therapy.


My memory is screwed but I'm sure I mentioned that you have to try and keep your mind occupied no matter how with other things so that you think about Bailey less. I know this will be damn hard but unfortunately you need to find ways to. The gym is therapy because your focusing on interacting with these people which occupies your mind. Do you find that posting helps in some small way even though it saddens you to do so? I can't imagine what you're doing when you're home alone and Daisy will help a great deal with this I'm sure.


I knew he wouldn't be here forever, but to see him go so fast was too much.

I thought of this after reading your first post but was waiting for what I thought might be the right time. Have you thought about the alternative? If Bailey had lingered in pain you would have had no choice but to let them put him down. I'm sure that would have been even more brutal for you to have to make that decision.

Do you think maybe your grief and depression are so intertwined that they are supporting each other and keeping both elevated?


still find myself reverting back to my old ways or punishing myself for anything I can think of.

Could you describe your old ways? It would be easier for me than rereading your posts. You are the only one who can overcome punishing yourself though I'm not sure what you' feel you're guilty of that you need to be doing this. What has happened is part of life and can never be undone.

I'll ask if you're still torturing yourself with single songs. It's actually quite common to do this for whatever reason but doing it will just keep you down or drag you down further. I've been doing it since christmas though for a different reason. Have you discovered that many of the songs you like are actually depressing but you didn't notice before?

Have you considered journalling? I never saw any use for it myself but everybody's different. It would be a way of venting immediately when needed. Now this may seem weird but I'm wondering if you can write poetry? It would occupy your mind and you can post them on the forums.

Finally listen to MsSkeezik. She knows what she's talking about where as I've never had a dog.
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 100
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Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 3/19/2018 12:17:50 PM
[As for your sister-in-law the term I'd use is ****ed in the head though it wouldn't be her fault]

I am beginning to realize this, and it makes me worry for my brother. My uncle was married to someone that I think my brother's wife is starting to look like(behavior-wise) Once my uncle stopped meeting her every wish/giving her the things she wanted, she caused all kinds of problems for him. That's my worry for my brother. I don't need/want him to go through anything like that. I use the whole "Riley isn't your #1" and some other things I see around their house as evidence that things might be headed down that way. As far as I am concerned though, I need to just interact with her as least as possible. I feel uncomfortable when I am around her. Even when I interact with their daughter, I think she is watching my every move. It's really creepy. This is all because I said Riley wasn't my #1. Bailey will always be my #1, and for her to hold that against me is really screwed up.

I don't think my brother will every come and talk to me if he is having problems at home. If he talked to anyone, it would probably be my mom. That's kind of disappointing to me, since I studied this stuff. That's ok I guess, because I would tell him what research/my studies tell me about the situation, and not what he wants to hear. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but....

It's now been exactly two months since Bailey left me. There's a new set of paws walking around here at the moment. As I said, Daisy is the new boss around here. I think it's funny we brought here home on almost two months to-the-day(got her yesterday). She's definetley got some Bailey in her. I've even called her Bailey a handful of times, or one of the nicknames I had for Bailey. When I am petting her, I find myself talking about what Bailey did, if he would like her, etc. Initially, I wasn't sure about her yesterday because she isn't "Bailey-sized", she's a little smaller. It dawned on me that I can't really be looking for Bailey 2.0. If I was to say no, based on the fact that she isn't the size of Bailey, that would be stupid on my part, and unfair to her. She's pretty cool to be honest. She's very obedient, responds well, follows me around everywhere I go, etc. It's always a good idea to put a new dog in a cage at night. She slept on my bed all night long. At the end of the two-week trial, a decision has to be made(as far as adoption/saying no). I think she's a keeper already. I could never find it in me to send her back anyway. We were told she gets attached quickly. That was an understatement.

[I thought of this after reading your first post but was waiting for what I thought might be the right time. Have you thought about the alternative? If Bailey had lingered in pain you would have had no choice but to let them put him down. I'm sure that would have been even more brutal for you to have to make that decision]

I never thought about this. We knew he had stuff going on, and that his time was probably running short, but not this short. Thinking about it now, he id show signs of his aging for sure: he would slip sometimes when on bare floow(later determined to be the tumor hitting his spine), his vision may have been going a bit, etc. To be honest, the whole thing reminded me of how my grandpa went. He had stuff going, but hid it very well. You just really saw how bad he was when things got really bad/the pain was too much for him to deal with anymore. Maybe Bailey was this way too. He wanted to enjoy the time he had left until he couldn't enjoy it anymore. Thinking about this now, I am starting to cry. This is something I never thought about, so thank you for making me think about it this way.

As for the punishing myself, I have eased up on myself the last few days. That's probably because of the accident, and dealing with the issues I have as a result of it. Add in the new arrival, and I really can't think much about it at the minute. Although I have often started to cry somewhat/my eyes water when interacting with this news dog and thinking about Bailey(how there is really only one dog I want}. Maybe it will flair back up again. I almost expect it to at some point, but who knows. Maybe a few more stops at the gym, and now having another dog to walk in the park will help. The challenging part will be walking past the condos in the park I told Bailey we would always live in(live in the park), and not start to apologize to him for not making good on the promise.
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