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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone "REALLY"      Home login  
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 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 51
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLYPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

My beaux wants more children, but is currently eating his words.

Is he a lot younger? :) You're 53, so I would assume he's around your age-range... and his daughter has an 8-yo & a 15-yo.

In the end, getting married on-paper is a good thing when it comes to having kids. A sort of "wall" that even if you two don't get along, and it heeds what could be a hasty breakup in the future -- especially when juggling kids can fuel that, too. And of course, the positive social-factor of being married when settling down & having kids. It's not like having 3 kids then turning into adults = 4 years of your time together. A sort of insurance policy, sacrificing your otherwise Ideal life decisions if your relationship is not-keen, for them. I think that's where marriage best comes in. That, and for financial reasons when the two have Already settled in together just fine.

Of course, it has it's value within one's religion VS being indefinitely together but-not-married. But that, or other social pressure when kids aren't involved -- doesn't make it a wise move. If there's an incompleteness to not being married when there's no raising mutual kids involved, I have to ask -- where is that coming from? Unless it's for on-paper financial reasons, I say peer pressure internally on how we may have been raised, or externally when that keeps being asked (but it'll almost always die down).
 whosmeow
Joined: 10/19/2017
Msg: 52
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 2/6/2018 1:36:30 PM
He's 7 years older, but that has nothing to do with my marriage views. I'm not raising any more children. I would love being a grandparent, but I wouldn't want kids living with me. My beaux thrives on kid drama, messes, and running until he has to do it all by himself. He flips a lid when he has to babysit. We date well, but would never make it under the same roof. My idea of marriage is one of lifetime spiritual Christian partnership, for the benefits the union would provide. His views are too numerous to list. We are simply better friends, and when I move back south I'm sure we will still visit one another. We have dated on and off for years, and until one of us does settle down I imagine we will continue.

Being both the men I loved passed on, and Ive been in two LTR I would like to now try marriage on for size. I'm at a different place spiritually than I have ever been before. I have a different mind set, and heart "condition". People do change as they age, and our responsibilities evolve. I actually find the whole thing appealing these days. NEVER thought I would ever say that... :) I dodged the marriage issue and wore my late fiancé's ring for six years. Shocking how I've somehow managed to completely alter my views.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 53
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 2/6/2018 4:20:23 PM

He's 7 years older, but that has nothing to do with my marriage views. I'm not raising any more children.

Well, I asked due to him "still wanting kids". But I think you meant he wants to be Around kids as a part of his life (grand kids). That shouldn't play a role in getting married or not. But him thriving on kid drama + flipping a lid when has to babysit... I see a conflict there. :)

My idea of marriage is one of lifetime spiritual Christian partnership, for the benefits the union would provide.

Or not provide, in some cases -- this one possibly being one of them. One shouldn't be in love with being in love, nor in love with being married for the sake of being married. That's how 20-somethings make the big mistakes. But I can see where the door is Legit opened up where you have been living the "married life", to get married when you like the idea and it coincides with your religion/tradition, sure.

We are simply better friends, and when I move back south I'm sure we will still visit one another. We have dated on and off for years, and until one of us does settle down I imagine we will continue.

But getting married to Him shouldn't be on the docket, though. You have an on-again-off-again relationship where you're better as friends. Certainly not one to consider marrying... you only consider that until After you both evolve together. Marriage doesn't make people become one -- you're supposed to get married when you Are One and are Already riding off in the sunset together, right?
 whosmeow
Joined: 10/19/2017
Msg: 54
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 2/6/2018 7:44:36 PM
We would never get married darlin'~ we already know we cant live together. Did you read that part of my posts? We talked about it but that's as far as it will go for me, and he does want to bear more children. I think he's nutty on that one at his age. Marriage, relationships, spirituality, and love even all combined don't make couples "one" in my opinion. Commitment above all else does; too bad for me Ive experienced the death do you part thingy twice.

To stay on topic though yes people can change their minds about marriage as they age. I for one know this to be true.
 Magellan2017
Joined: 7/28/2011
Msg: 55
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/1/2018 9:09:46 PM
Maybe they finally grew up.
 masquerade5
Joined: 10/7/2017
Msg: 56
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/4/2018 2:16:03 PM
They get older. Get sicker... and want a nurse.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 57
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/4/2018 10:53:55 PM
Finally, someone has the right answer^^^^ I call it "coming home to die". I like the way these guys try to explain why they were never married and want to get married now like it isn't obvious they're broken down.

I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish. They never have to think about anyone but themselves, and if they do think about anyone else, it's on a minimal level. I went out with such a person For the First Time dating a lifetime Bachelor from POF. Never again!

I don't think you can leave a pension to a partner unless you're married, right??? If you share a house together, you had better have documentation saying your partner's half of the house will be left to you or a relative can snag that.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 58
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 1:38:43 AM

They get older. Get sicker... and want a nurse.


This can go either way. It's not gender specific.


I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish.


I would call it being smart, not selfish.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 59
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 3:42:46 AM

I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish.


Yes, and you "feel" all sorts of things that are simply batshit crazy. Are you trying to tell me there was no self-serving purpose in your decision to get married?
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 60
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 4:06:10 AM

I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish.


OMG....really?

Never married, never will get married and I am the last person my friends would say is selfish.

Each person has their reasons why they choose not to marry.
Like One said $30,000.00 to get a divorce...like hell No.
No paper no lawyer.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 61
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 5:16:31 AM

I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish. They never have to think about anyone but themselves


Does that mean people who are divorced are selfish, because they never have to think about anyone but themselves?
 Cryptofabulous
Joined: 4/18/2010
Msg: 62
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 8:48:04 AM

I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish.
They never have to think about anyone but themselves,

And people who got married, then divorced weren't thinking of themselves as well? You've done that twice?
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 63
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 8:53:58 AM


OMG....really?

Never married, never will get married and I am the last person my friends would say is selfish.


New Yorker says over the top ridiculous shit like this very frequently, yet there are a few people who wonder why I give her a hard time.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 64
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 9:45:25 AM
"I feel people who never married, tend to be selfish"

>>>sometimes, that's a good thing. when you are on an airliner going down, you're supposed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you try to help your struggling panicky children first, you may pass out before you succeed and then you both cash out.

I didn't marry b/c I don't want kids, I didn't find someone worth being the last person to have sex with, and then ended up taking care of my parents. I don't blame some people for thinking only about themselves--a lot of people don't plan for retirement, and you know the old saying, no one plans to fail, they fail to plan.

we all need help, at some time in our lives. but for the remainder of our lives, we should cover our own ass. if we marry just to get someone who will take care of us or our financial needs, then we are marrying for selfish reasons, right?

I wonder how many old goats try to get hitched b/c they've already lived life one way, and now want to just experience something else? :) like buying that Harley they never had.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 65
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 10:17:11 AM

I don't think you can leave a pension to a partner unless you're married, right???


Almost all qualified plans (IRA's, 403(b)'s, 401(k)'s, defined benefit plans), allow unmarried individuals to name anybody as beneficiary, though the payout options are much more favorable if the survivor is a spouse. If you're married, almost all plans except IRA's, require that you name the spouse as beneficiary, a benefit the spouse can waive.
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 66
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 12:00:16 PM
^^Social Security still has a divorced widow's benefit & after a certain age that person can still collect AND re-marry!

The laws regarding pensions & "gray divorces" are mind-boggling!

QDROS, DROS, Defined Benefit Pension plans, Defined Contribution Plans, bla bla bla

After the divorce lawyers screw you over, there is more screwing over w/ divvying up the marital assets.

Best to get a pre-nup AND be aware of laws to protect ones self!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 67
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 12:10:44 PM

They get older. Get sicker... and want a nurse.

It'd be silly & hasty to assume that, at merely 50. Whether one's 30, 40, or 50 -- I think shifting gears to go LTR-Viable-or-Bust is due to social life being more lonely. Is that selfish?? I'd say less selfish than a gal at 25 wanting to get married to "fit in" (peer pressure). At least in this example it's a by-product of something natural.

I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish. They never have to think about anyone but themselves

Oh geez, no. If you want to run off and get married @25 -- and find value in the concept of being married itself that you want to be a part of [insert person here]... how in the world is that not selfish? Everything we do that we like best is Technically selfish -- even the gift of giving.

I would say those who haven't married made a better decision than those who did marry not the right person ("I was young, in love, everyone was getting married, I wanted kids..."). Not just for themselves, but in general. Many people are out there To get into an LTR/married, in and of itself, because they're emotionally (and/or financially) Needy.

People who are more Independent aren't more selfish than those who are Dependent. Just sayin'.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 68
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 3:50:10 PM
chromis, I'm talking pension. Can you leave a pension to a non-family member? An IRA is like any other bank account, you can leave that to anyone.

Platinum, for SS, I believe either spouse that's divorced can claim SS benefits of the other when the spouse retires, but they can only collect 1/2 of what the divorced spouse will get. You choose 1/2 if it's more than your full SS amount. If the spouse is dead, and you never divorced, they can collect the full monthly amount in SS that the deceased would have gotten.

Pig, there was no self-serving purpose for getting married for me. I wasn't wanting to get married. I saw no reason for it, but no reason against it when he proposed, so I said yes.

If you're single, you can tend to do nothing for others. It's a little bit the nature of the beast. Then there are those that are just selfish types that don't want to share of themselves, which of course could apply to
anyone, but the lifetime bachelors I've known that are friends, it's all about them in every aspect of their lives. Unselfish acts involve not getting a return, except the feeling that you did something good for someone else.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 69
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 4:08:30 PM

Pig, there was no self-serving purpose for getting married for me. I wasn't wanting to get married. I saw no reason for it, but no reason against it when he proposed, so I said yes.


Wow. Marriage is such a monumental moment for most people, but for you it was "eh, might as well, I guess." Great attitude for what is supposed to be a "lifetime commitment". What a nutzo.


Unselfish acts involve not getting a return, except the feeling that you did something good for someone else.


How is that *not* getting something back?
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 70
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 5:20:56 PM

I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish. They never have to think about anyone but themselves, and if they do think about anyone else, it's on a minimal level.

Like they never had parents? Siblings? Friends? Pets? Co-workers? Never donate to anyone/anything?
No, I haven't found too many of those people around.
Some people are situationally selfish. I had to be selfish at times because I'm a single mother - and time was my most precious commodity. I have chosen to be selfish when it comes to my money because it took me time to accumulate what I have. I have chose to be selfish because someone's problems are often a direct result of their actions. I have chosen to be selfish because it makes me feel good.


I went out with such a person For the First Time dating a lifetime Bachelor from POF. Never again!

Your experience and your choice.
But don't judge an entire segment of people based on one personal experience.


I don't think you can leave a pension to a partner unless you're married, right??? If you share a house together, you had better have documentation saying your partner's half of the house will be left to you or a relative can snag that.

Depends on where you live, who you work for... an entire universe of YMMVs. Consult a lawyer in your home town.


Platinum, for SS, I believe either spouse that's divorced can claim SS benefits of the other when the spouse retires, but they can only collect 1/2 of what the divorced spouse will get. You choose 1/2 if it's more than your full SS amount. If the spouse is dead, and you never divorced, they can collect the full monthly amount in SS that the deceased would have gotten.


If the pair have been married for 10+ years then divorced, then they can claim a portion of the other's SS benefits. So can a 2nd or 3rd spouse simultaneously - assuming they've all been married 10+ years. There are various rules and exceptions so YMMV and it is best to discuss this with the SSA.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 71
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 5:56:00 PM

I would call it being smart, not selfish.


I resemble that remark.


I feel people that were never married tend to be selfish.


So, 2 FAILED marriages are more desirable than NO failed marriages?

I suppose that makes sense......on Bizarro World !
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 72
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 6:04:06 PM

If the pair have been married for 10+ years then divorced, then they can claim a portion of the other's SS benefits. So can a 2nd or 3rd spouse simultaneously - assuming they've all been married 10+ years.


I know a woman divorced 4x by age 60.

3 out of the 4 marriages were 10 years or longer.

If she waited till retirement age, she could have picked either her benes or the benes of one of the 3 divorced spouses - which was the highest & filed under that.

Turned out b4 she divorced #4, #1 died & she was eligible at age 60 for a "divorced widow" benefit.

Another older friend was married & divorced 2x. When she retired, she found out her 1st hubby (who remarried after their divorce) made a lot more than #2 & since they were married 10+ years, filed under his benes to get the max payout.

Another woman got a percent of her ex's federal pension PLUS her social security on top of that.

Pensions, IRas & 401Ks are all marital assets & should be addressed in a divorce.

People who do the DIY method may be unaware of this & lose tons of money.

Of course if there are no marital assets best to do a simple divorce.
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 73
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 6:11:49 PM
https://www.ssa.gov/planners/retire/divspouse.html

lots of useful info here

;0D
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 74
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 8:57:39 PM
Pig, no, getting married was not a big deal to me. We were already living together and were committed to each other, or at least I was to him. He may have wanted the paper to lock me down for certain. I had a great life that he entered into with me, and not the other way around.

You know what I mean, doing for someone else and not expecting anything from THEM in return.

U2fo, I understand what you're saying, but doing something for others doesn't necessarily mean it's because someone fvcked up or is a fvck up. It could be something like picking up food from a store for a sick neighbor. Still, you're right about needing to do things for yourself and family first.

I'm talking about having consideration for a partner. Putting them first, because that's who you are, and you're being put first.

FullofTacos, I know and have known so many lifetime bachelors. The similarity is being self-centered. Could there be ones that are different, sure. I want the kind of guy that would pick up Del Taco to surprise me, and not forget the mild sauce.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 75
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 3/5/2018 10:16:56 PM

chromis, I'm talking pension. Can you leave a pension to a non-family member? An IRA is like any other bank account, you can leave that to anyone.


If you're talking about social security, that really isn't a "pension", at least not in the traditional sense. Social Security is, and has always been, a federal entitlement program. And even then, social security benefits cannot be "left" to a spouse. The surviving spouse has the option to take over the decedent's payments, or continue with his or hers, but not both, depending on which benefit is higher.

IRA's are not like any other bank account. They carry tax implications and special distribution rules that aren't applicable to your run of the mill checking or savings accounts.

"Pensions" are either defined benefit plans, or defined contribution plans. The rules regarding beneficiary designations for either are generous and are determined under ERISA law.
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