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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone "REALLY"      Home login  
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 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 126
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLYPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
{Fullofcommimentlackingskills, I made a commitment, my ex broke it. } and is probably the case in at least half the profiles I pass over. maybe not fair, but honest to say why they divorced is a huge concern for me. having been on the receiving end of that has done nothing to lessen my concerns, if anything, made it worse!
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 127
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/20/2018 12:13:16 PM
If you ask a person why they divorced, you really don't know if they're being honest, but it's worth asking. I had a few men say their wife wasn't interested in sex from some past sexual abuse, yet they had multiple children with their wives, and divorced in their 50s, so I don't believe it.

My scenario was that my ex-h was a cheater. Even if I wanted to work on his problem, he never admitted it. You can't fix what a person won't admit. I found out he was a serial cheater, and doing it in the most malicious way. He's happily cheating on his gf he's living with, making a fool out of her at work. He used her male friend/co-worker as an excuse when he disappeared to cheat.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 128
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/20/2018 12:43:35 PM
not directed at you in any way, but most people will see and tell their side. some fairly accurate (I believe yours is) and some are very distorted versions, or an outright lie. having had failed relationships myself, it is somewhat hypocritical for me to have this view, yet here I am.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 129
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/20/2018 3:03:35 PM

My scenario was that my ex-h was a cheater. Even if I wanted to work on his problem, he never admitted it. You can't fix what a person won't admit. I found out he was a serial cheater, and doing it in the most malicious way. He's happily cheating on his gf he's living with, making a fool out of her at work.


You have TWO failed commitments/marriages, remember?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 130
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/20/2018 3:32:36 PM

If you ask a person why they divorced, you really don't know if they're being honest, but it's worth asking.

Well, they can give you basically an honest answer -- but you still don't know if it's the full true story. Just their perception. That's a lot harder come by than them being honest.

I had a few men say their wife wasn't interested in sex from some past sexual abuse, yet they had multiple children with their wives, and divorced in their 50s, so I don't believe it.

You can still have sex to make babies. I know couples like that (Mormon). So I can see when that happens, and you're out of baby-making years -- the person who likes sex when the other person isn't so into it... divorcing is probably a good idea (but a better idea would have not to be married in the first place).
 dolatar
Joined: 8/21/2018
Msg: 131
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/26/2018 4:48:53 AM
Nobody can judge another person's life or decisions to marry or divorce. What the fuk is the matter with people?
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 132
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/26/2018 8:40:07 AM
^^^^I thought you were doing away with ata names?

Just like any other part of a person's personality I want to know, I'd like to ask why a relationship ended. No one wants to implicate themselves as the reason for their divorce, but answers can be illuminating. Several years after marrying, my ex-h decided to be forthcoming (more indepth) about how his relationships ended. That information told me that there was a good chance our marriage wasn't going to fare well.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 133
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/26/2018 9:39:54 AM

Nobody can judge another person's life or decisions to marry or divorce. What the fuk is the matter with people?

Sure they can. Yes they can. Can too. The real trick...what you should really be saying...is that one needs to be objective, fair, rational, and empathetic in doing so. And that it's hard to know if you reliably have all the info necessary to understand another's life...but it does often happen that all info necessary is had.
 zonavar68
Joined: 8/16/2015
Msg: 134
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/27/2018 2:38:48 PM
My longest long-term relationship ended because my ex from then slept with the guy who was renting next door to our house when I had to work away.

I tend to find people I talk to more than once with a view to maybe meeting up generally have no interest in past relationships and if someone does talk about it in the first few messages that tends to be a red flag for me.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 135
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/28/2018 1:04:46 PM

Several years after marrying, my ex-h decided to be forthcoming (more indepth) about how his relationships ended. That information told me that there was a good chance our marriage wasn't going to fare well.


Yes, it makes so much more sense to find out about serious character defects years AFTER the wedding ceremony instead of before, at which point someone could make the choice NOT to go through with the ceremony and avoid the problem altogether.
But, people who think marriages are just another disposable part of a disposable society won't be very concerned about that anyway.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 136
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/28/2018 1:08:57 PM

not directed at you in any way, but most people will see and tell their side. some fairly accurate (I believe yours is) and some are very distorted versions, or an outright lie. having had failed relationships myself, it is somewhat hypocritical for me to have this view, yet here I am.


We only get one side here.
I often wonder where all the bad exes go...you know the ones that cheated, or were abusive or were just plain ***holes,
the ones that were the cause of a marriage break up.
It's pretty clear they don't come to POF.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 137
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/28/2018 7:16:52 PM

browneyesboo
We only get one side here.
I often wonder where all the bad exes go...you know the ones that cheated, or were abusive or were just plain ***holes,
the ones that were the cause of a marriage break up.
It's pretty clear they don't come to POF.

So young and yet so cynical.

Or could it be only sarcasm? Tell me it isn't so!
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 138
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/29/2018 12:53:38 PM
Cheaters are good at schmoozing.
 Rumours
Joined: 6/4/2018
Msg: 139
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/30/2018 7:10:28 AM
@Browneyes...
I wonder where they go...as well.
They live among us...Not only are they on dating sites but in grocery stores, churches, sporting events, bars...neighbors and a few friends/relatives...I have to admit.
I have found some men/women that left a marriage for good reason or not.
Can meet a totally different person and be faithful.
So ...My consensus is either people can change or they will change for the right person or they really were not that bad to begin with.
When we are young/blind in love....we make many mistakes.
jmo
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 140
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/30/2018 8:57:40 AM
Rumours wrote:
When we are young/blind in love....we make many mistakes.


I agree, and sometimes I think of this when I read the advice to young women here, particularly currently to a certain young mother here. She should really take all that advice with a grain of salt, considering most of her "advisers" here are 50s-60s. Most of the advice surrounds her being chaste, concentrating on her kids, and herself, which is really no brainer ~~ at our age. I don't think it's bad advice. But at 50-60, one has the luxury, and the clear-headedness of NOT having hormones manning the steering wheel and gas pedal. At our age, once hormones have subsided, we do man both steering and gas pedal, but we also man the brakes. A lot.

I also think of this when one of the fine wimminz here writes something like "I choose a man who will treat me well, looks ain't everything." Invariably that person is 55+ and "wise." I don't disagree, but that outlook is fine at this age because, face it, sex isn't as driving a factor then...thus looks are less important, and there is a luxury of NOT having hormones hijack decisions and actions, like in our 20 and 30s.

How many of us, when we were in our 20s early 30s really made mate decisions, even LTR mate decisions that disregarded looks or physical attraction..to be with someone "good for us?" Probably not many of us. Younger people will make the mistakes of youth, because they want someone whose brains they can bang out, all night, into tomorrow, the next day, and after. In other words, they make these mistakes because they are able to. I bet some of us wish we could still make those mistakes again lol.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 141
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/30/2018 10:00:09 AM

I also think of this when one of the fine wimminz here writes something like "I choose a man who will treat me well, looks ain't everything." Invariably that person is 55+ and "wise."

Some of us made those same choices in their 20's and 30's....


face it, sex isn't as driving a factor

Speak for yourself!!
At 55....sex is still highly important to me!!
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 142
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Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 8/30/2018 7:04:04 PM
MsMicki writes...
Some of us made those same choices in their 20's and 30's....
Of course. There are exceptions. Some people have always made wise, rational decisions all their lives. That would not be me. But in general, I'd believe looks are more important amongst the younger folks. Older and wiser means character starts becoming more important when choosing mates, particularly with women. But maybe that's just me.


At 55....sex is still highly important to me!!
55 (yawn). It's more exciting at 65 or 70, even 70+. Don't you have any interstate highways around there? You haven't lived yet!

Sorry, that comment just reminded me of the Sammy Hagar song for some reason lol......But seriously....."Highly important," of course. But I'd still bet that for most, in the hierarchy of priorities in life, the relative ranking of sex takes a hit as we get older. In general.

There will be many situations where that doesn't really follow, though....for example where younger folks' sex drive may take a hit, i.e, raising kids, job demands, etc. and older folks' may grow, i.e. divorce and finding a new partner they're more interested in. Bout that last point, there will be a difference in drive/interest between a 55 year old in a 30 year marriage and a 55 year old with a new partner, say <5 years. Maybe I'll take a few barbs on that one, but it is what it is.

All things equal, though, our interest in sex gradually declines. Young people are meant to bang each other, older people...not as much. Sexual carelessness in youth has an evolutionary basis...it allows for more babies. If everyone was sensible and careful bout sex, there would be less babies.......which isn't as important now, but it was important back eons ago.

You're probably one of the exceptions, so good on you!!.
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