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 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 26
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDEDPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

As of this time, it appears you truly are NOT ready for another relationship. If I were you, I could cancel the impending date you have and just meet her at the meetup groups and if you feel inclined much, MUCH later on down the road, meet with her for coffee as a friend. And just do things as friends.....if something comes of it, great. If not, you have a nice friend to do things with.

Called her tonight and told her what was going on. I agree just going on the date without her knowing would be hurtful to her. She did not give me a decision yet, I will see what she says.



Do NOT message your ex. Cut of ALL contact, regardless of being in a smaller town. All you are doing with that is just dialing up pain, and you don't need that. But I will say if you ARE out and about, running errands, etc, if she says "hello" you can say "hello" in return but nothing further than that. You need to heal and continuously dialing up pain will augment your healing process.


Earlier this evening I got rid of any trace that would let me be able to contact her, you are right.
Thank you
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 27
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/7/2018 9:16:38 PM

I cant believe it has not been deleted.


Some of us take fiendish delight in these entertaining train wreck stories that people should see coming a mile away.


Trainwreak on time....lol
 HanoverFella
Joined: 1/16/2018
Msg: 28
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/8/2018 7:29:42 PM
Been there Handy, that’s what sucks about small towns, too easy to run into ex’s, no contact is the best way to move on IME
Good luck to you
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 29
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/11/2018 1:56:08 PM
Another good idea for moving on is to try to steer clear of all the old watering holes you used to share with your ex. You're much more apt to run into her at those places. If she liked the food at a certain restaurant, she's not going to stop eating there just because the two of you broke up.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 30
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12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/11/2018 9:04:26 PM

Called her tonight and told her what was going on. I agree just going on the date without her knowing would be hurtful to her. She did not give me a decision yet, I will see what she says.

I think you were making too big a deal out of this with her. You want to get some batting-swings into the dating scene. Just because you talk/flirt with someone in which there's some attraction and you go for their #, and go for a date -- does not mean you're wanting a Relationship with them. There is no default on that. It's good you said that you're on-the-rebound as a warning, and aren't relationship-hunting now -- but Just leaving it at that, and not bringing it up again. If you're too wounded to go out on a mere date with a gal without pining about your ex and needing to have it just be handshakes & lemonade -- it could be OK, could backfire.

In the end, the reason we may feel the way you have described about your ex -- is because at least a part of us, wants them back. Plain and simple. It can be a natural reaction in some way if we're dumped, for a Short Temporary time, when we ourselves could see the problems and the mismatch. Natural. But if after a Short period we're still thinking that, and we can't even get a date without pining over our ex, then the reason is that it's More than just that. We haven't gotten it out of our heads -- emotion included -- that we Shouldn't get back together with them as a couple, nor want to.

That's the first part of Moving On. Can't really move on at all if you still want them to want you, even in the back of your mind.
 Viper1j
Joined: 2/6/2015
Msg: 31
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 5/27/2018 10:48:56 AM

I fantasize about being back with her but would mean giving away what little self respect I have left. To make a workable relationship would mean her making big changes in how she treated me and that is very unlikely to happen.


Fantasize about laying on a nice, peaceful,hill.
You're cradling a Weatherby 660, with a 20X sniper scope. You see her walking across the field, you line her up in the sights, hold your breath, and slowly, lovingly, caress the trigger, placing a round perfectly behind the ear. She drops dead to the ground before the sound even reaches anyone.

You'll be through with her, and you'll be able to sleep at night.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 32
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12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 6/1/2018 10:20:42 PM

Funny, she's moved on; why haven't you?


Probably because he's a sincere person with healthy human emotions and his partner was a psychopath that had no emotional connection to him and faked emotions by mirroring him.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 33
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12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 6/1/2018 11:13:43 PM
I think you need to go back and read his post. He's pining away for a year about a relationship he said wasn't working. Don't you think it's time to move on for both of those reasons?
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 34
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/8/2018 6:03:59 PM
All I can say is I understand exactly what you are feeling. The only answer I have is to put one foot in front of the other in the opposite direction and repeat..... It might help to keep a diary of these things. Even the best of friends will reach a point where he doesn't want to listen anymore. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 35
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/11/2018 12:49:42 PM
I think this goes back to the soulmate thread. What happens when you meat someone who you feel is a soulmate but they don't feel the same? I read something a few years back that said that in most couples, there is one party who loves the other more which gives them less power in a relationship but sometimes equilibrium can be achieved my time and shared experiences. But so often it happens what we do meet someone who is the perfect person for us except we aren't the perfect person to them. It's a really bitter pill to swallow to come to terms with that.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 36
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/11/2018 2:23:29 PM
"the perfect person for us except we aren't the perfect person to them"

When a person learns to accept that they are perfect just the way they are, other people think so too.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 37
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/11/2018 2:48:08 PM
Ha! That's not the way the world works and you should know that by now. If the world were perfect, and we know it isn't, we would all be able to find a "soulmate", that person being our perfect match who likes you as much as you like them. But that's hardly the case. Most relationships are a result of people making concessions and accepting the person as their match based on those concessions.

The better-looking you are or the stronger you are or the more talented you are or the richer you are, the better chance you have of finding someone. If you are someone who has looks or power or wealth or talents, you don't have to try as hard; it's actually the other person who has to try harder. The person who has to to try harder, has to step up their game a bit via self-improvement or by doing things for the person to attract them more.

It's fine and dandy to say you are perfect just the way you are but at the end of the day you are still alone, your individual perfection obviously isn't getting you admirers. Unless of course you believe there is indeed a lid for every pot and someone for everyone.

This dating world is a competition for many people, unless you are lucky enough to be the prize. You are competing with other people to win a spouse. That's the truth of it.
 Cloud_Interpreter
Joined: 8/18/2018
Msg: 38
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/11/2018 3:12:35 PM

You are competing with other people to win a spouse. That's the truth of it.


No. That's your truth as you see it. Most well-adjusted people do not have the self-loathing that is necessary to believe such inane ideas, let alone come to that ridiculous conclusion.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 39
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/11/2018 4:52:51 PM

When a person learns to accept that they are perfect just the way they are, other people think so too.

I dunno about that. Certainly wasn't the way it was with my old friend, the klepto. He thought he was perfect just the way he was, but we didn't agree. ;)

What happens when you meat someone who you feel is a soulmate but they don't feel the same?

When you just meet them and you feel they're a soulmate, you're getting ahead of yourself of course. Proof that you're always way off base thinking that so quick, when they don't feel that way. But what ends up happening? Varies. Some (emotionally disturbed people) get pissed at the other person who Isn't so ga-ga about them after they had a nice meeting. Those who are like that -- or even just feeling really hurt & frustrated -- I believe suffer too much from thinking the world revolves around themselves. Even if said meeting turned into a meating.

in most couples, there is one party who loves the other more which gives them less power in a relationship but sometimes equilibrium can be achieved my time and shared experiences.

There's a Yuge difference between meeting someone & being knee-deep in a Relationship. It's comparing apples & trucks.

When in an established Relationship, I don't necessarily agree it's most, but I do agree it's quite common that one person is into the person more than the other. If it's noticeable from the outside looking in, and it lasts a while, they need to resolve that ASAP (if possible), or break up. Sometimes we're more into our BF/GF than we were because we sense they aren't as into us anymore. That naturally makes us like someone more in a certain way -- when they don't like us enough that we feel "they should".
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 40
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/11/2018 5:34:44 PM
I've felt it both ways. I've had guys be super into me while I'm not really that into them. And I've had guys I'm super into but then I find out they aren't into me and it makes me really sad. I'm still waiting for the day I meet someone I really like who likes me just as much back. It must be an amazing feeling.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 41
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/11/2018 6:22:36 PM

But so often it happens what we do meet someone who is the perfect person for us except we aren't the perfect person to them. It's a really bitter pill to swallow to come to terms with that.



HUH? ...............….I have a hellav'a time trying to grasp this. No joke. It's like trying to comprehend a foreign language.

First of all, knock off with the "we" shit. I don't care who is writing / talking, speak for yourself. Why is this so hard to grasp?

Personally I do not believe in a "soulmate". Next...………….Ever heard of:
Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affection or consciously reject it. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as "not reciprocated or returned in kind."

IF …………….I am perfect ………...of which I'm not, but let's pretend shall we...……...by my self I'm perfectly happy. I am most often happy with my BF. IF we were not compatible, IF we were not on the same page...………...then I'm not the perfect person for him...…………..he is not the perfect person for me. Nooooo imaginary perfection ! No pill to swallow!

Power? More love? More power? …………………….My head spins!
 webejammen
Joined: 9/1/2014
Msg: 42
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 11/12/2018 4:21:19 AM
I understand this is you venting about what happened and I feel bad for you. I do hope you have learned from this experience and will be able to move on. However, some of the comments fired at you make me wonder. Nobody is perfect, and as much as some people want the highest standard, it is not nice to step all over someone's feelings. My advice to you, take your time and move on. I hope you do not meet some of the people commenting in here, your life will be worse
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