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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > never give up never settle      Home login  
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 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 26
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
[Quote]I didn't walk away from either marriage for "greener grass". I ran! Self explanatory. Spousal abuse and neglect.

I understand that. That's why I said only 80% of relationships are fixable or bearable. I happened to be in a bad one too but truthfully, I never had the guts to run. Maybe if I didn't have kids or if they were older it would have been easier. Not sure. How old were your kids when you left?
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 27
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/16/2018 5:55:52 PM
To answer Julystorm.
My daughter was 18 months old and my son was 5 going on 6. We stayed with my parents for a few days, till I could make arrangements to move into an apartment.
I was not afraid. To stay was scary. To stay would have been to choose to subject my kids to the same uncertainties, fear that my mom, did to me. I was determined to not do that to my kids.
I remarried when my kids were 10 and 14.

It is years later, I have forgiven my mom, and yet when I least expect it she will say something that stuns me.
Last year. "I did choose your father over you. I didn't protect you. I thought I had to be a good wife first and obey the church, so I let you go. I looked the other way. You had the strength and courage to change your life for your kids and there is no doubt they love you for that."

A few months ago. "I know I was not always a good mother but you were / are ALWAYS a good daughter".
IMO, our children deserve the best loving and caring parent/s we can give them.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 28
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never give up never settle
Posted: 4/16/2018 6:16:26 PM

Been engaged for 7 in the past 20, kinda engaged for 4 and according to her engaged for 1.

When you're engaged, or even just an item with a gal -- you're not single. I don't see how these #s are adding up. :)


Fuzzy math.


never give up never settle


I agree.

I'm still holding out for one of them real European princesses.

Should be any day now.
 blackbeauty744
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 29
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Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/16/2018 6:26:45 PM
ladyinred your story sounds like my mom’s. She grew up in DV but my grandmother not only never left, but denies everything that has happened. Adding insult to injury, I was reared by my grandmother, not my mother. To this day the relationship between the three of us is rocky.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 30
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/16/2018 8:22:21 PM
blackbeauty,
Change is never easy.
Many years ago, while still married to my 1st husband I wrote a letter to myself. 3 pages of self -pity, ending with, "Why do I have to do all the changing?"............LOL Some years later, following professional help, belonging to a support group and reading any self help books I could slosh thru, (I'd cry like a baby) I had the answer.
"Because I can never change them. I can only change me, for me". I learned to love myself.
A big hug for you, and know, I DO understand
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 31
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/17/2018 5:50:18 AM
"^^If people were rational, everybody would have a pre-nup before getting married. But everybody thinks their marriage will be the one that lasts a lifetime-even if roughly half of marriages end in divorce. Everybody is looking for that fairy tale relationship with another perfect human being, where nothing ever goes wrong, and they live happily ever after. Maybe the legal age for getting married should be raised, since teenage marriages are almost always a bad idea, and it's almost impossible to be rational with a teenager. Too many teens have a "I know everything and older people don't know anything" attitude. "

>>>>for too many, the issue is being "married" is part of their identity. they are part of a very large, very socially accepted, group of citizens. What better way to feel accepted as adult then to wear that ring (or bindi, or...) that tells the world you're married? Teens love to join a bigger group, but yes, if we can pass a law determining they need a license to drive, pity we can't make them get a license to get knocked up.

some states don't even require a minimum age for marriage:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_marriage_in_the_United_States
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 32
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/17/2018 8:32:50 AM
I don't know. I never had illusions that I had found "my soulmate" but I went in being cynical and not believing in love. I know this is dumb thinking now many years later but I thought I could change the guy, not realizing the only person you can change is yourself. Too many psychology classes and counselling classes in university made be think I had the power, lol. Now experience has taught me something a university class never could.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 33
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Posted: 4/18/2018 1:03:44 PM

I know this is dumb thinking now many years later but I thought I could change the guy, not realizing the only person you can change is yourself


This concept has always eluded me....I never understood why anyone would be in a relationship with someone that thought needed to change.

If I am going to be in a relationship with someone....it is because I like "who" they are now ....not because I think I can make them into someone I would like later on.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 34
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/18/2018 1:32:35 PM
It must be that the person who they want a relationship with is physically attractive, and if they can mold the person's personality to what they want, they get the whole package-the Prince Charming/Cinderella. Some people haven't figured out that life isn't a fairy tale, and have to find out the hard way what real life is like.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 35
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/18/2018 1:46:21 PM
That's true but I think it's because a person believes they will never find someone that they like so they think if you can't find someone who you like, you can find someone to turn into who you like. I went through my junior high and high school years never getting asked out by anyone I liked. Several guys over the years asked me out though so I knew I wasn't so repellant. And I went out with many of them but I didn't let any of those guys get too far because I just wasn't interested. Never got dumped once in high school, I always was the one to end things. My friends told me because I was often shy and quiet with guys I'd like, I'd come across as snobby or too reserved . So guys I liked never got to see my real personality because I was in my shell but guys I didn't like got to see me and know me so they liked me.

University was when I came out of my shell but the problem then was there were 4 girls for every guy. A real numbers game. Guys were only seeming to want one thing and I didn't want to give it up till I was ready. And other guys that liked me for me, though I tried I just couldn't get into it. Eventually I went on pof and I finally found a guy I liked that I thought liked me but I got dumped and my thinking at the time was that if it took all that time to have a guy I liked like me back, the whole thing was useless. I decided I was just going to forge ahead and start going out with guys I didn't like again. Didn't work out well.

When I resumed dating in December, I started meeting guys again but it was the same problem. Date after date of guys I'm not really into upon meeting in person. And it makes me feel so guilty, that I'm too superficial or fussy or something. I'm no prize catch or anything so I shouldn't be that way. I've really started to look at why all this is and I think it's because I don't have the guts to really try for a guy I might like. I keep trying to date down, expecting surprising results. Maybe scared of getting my heart broken. Maybe poor self-esteem. I came to that realization in mid-March after yet another date with a nice guy that I couldn't like and I decided to take a break. I have to build up my own confidence. Back in September after my separation, I started exercising a lot and eating a lot better and I've been working so hard at it and I've actually enjoyed it. I also did things like get a nice haircut, buy new clothes and the like. But maybe I was expecting myself to change a bit too quickly. Real change takes time. I've also been watching a lot of self-esteem and insecurity youtube videos. And I've been on this forum reading posts from years back learning all I can about relationships and dating. For those with good minds, I think there is a lot that can be learned here from others' mistakes.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 36
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Posted: 4/18/2018 3:50:24 PM
July.....could you explain "date down" to me.....
what exactly do you mean by that?

and you say "date after date of guys I'm not really into upon meeting in person"....
so what are your qualification for this first date?
and what is it that turns you off so quickly upon meeting them?

You say you got a nice haircut, new clothes and the like.....did you do that for yourself? or to impress men?
And what "real change" are you hoping for in yourself?
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 37
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/18/2018 8:06:10 PM
Dating down....it's dating guys that I feel are on a lower rung on the dating ladder, guys that aren't really that attractive or smart. The smart thing is a big thing. I feel smarter than a lot of those guys and conversation is dull. Saying that makes me sound conceited but it's how I've felt. Many guys I've been attracted to its because of their intellect or their athletic skills, and they aren't that conventiinally great looking but I am very attracted to them. But as soon as I realize I'm attracted to someone I take two steps back and think to myself that I shouldn't even try for him, that he'll never be interested so I'll just carry some crush on them in my mind for eons being very careful to not let it show. I lack the guts to risk rejection. I think it goes back to a boy I knew growing up, since I was a baby. We'd played together for years, were really good friends and I was hopelessly in love with him from age 8 to even now maybe. He was one of my best friends. Then one day, our mutual best friend, another guy, found out and the two of them quit being my friend that very day, wouldn't even speak to me in Grade 11 and 12. It hurt a lot and ever since then I got afraid of liking someone and having them know that. When I was 24, my cousin died and realizing life was short, I decided to take a chance and got burned badly again because I fell for someone big time, took that leap, then he got back with an ex. So it made me really scared to risk my feelings again. I know people have to learn to get back on the horse and keep trying but I just can't get over things. And what brought some of this back was the same guy that broke my heart 10 years ago, contacted me after my last relationship and we gave it another try but I ended things because it was too much.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 38
Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/19/2018 7:52:03 AM
I get the "dating down" notion. A few years back I tried dating down a hottie I knew was an airhead--I wasn't looking for anything long term, the dating was an attempt to get the sex, and from the sound of it, I was far from the only guy who tried that. But she went with a hot dude instead who told her on their first date, "I see why you never get second dates" and she stuck to him anyway. She is pretty much in the same mode, as well, using relationships to get laid.

the second story reminds me of the old fable about the circus elephant held by a thin cord. It doesn't bother to break it easily, b/c its the same cord it was restrained with as a baby, and it couldn't break it then, so it doesn't waste its time now--even though it certainly could as an adult. A bunch of us don't do things in relationships b/c we remember what happened as kids. And then there's those of us who've been trying all our lives, and found out maturity doesn't matter, we're just not everyone's cup of tea.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 39
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Radar gets slothed, er, slaked
Posted: 4/19/2018 10:13:53 AM
Well I would say holding onto a rejection from a high school kid is definitely one of the changes one should make....
One will never get anywhere in life if they let the past predict the future.

as for your theory of dating down...I don't know how to respond without sounding rude....but I will say the fact you feel you are dating down....dooms any potential you might have with a guy because you already have a preconceived value of a man not really being worthy.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 40
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never give up never settle
Posted: 5/27/2018 4:03:12 AM

4 months because women usually only last 60 days with me


Well, gee, maybe it's because they found out about your real age?
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 41
never give up never settle
Posted: 5/27/2018 8:50:31 PM
everyone will settle. Either you'll settle for being alone (if you don't want to be) or settle for being with someone who's the bootleg version of who you truly seek. There are very, very, very few people who are truly, genuinely happy being alone for the rest of their life. The majority of us seek companionship. As we age and lose options, settling becomes more inevitable.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 42
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never give up never settle
Posted: 5/27/2018 10:49:32 PM
I settled. Been with BF 2.5 years now. He is not my dream guy. But he tells me he lives me often. We do things together and we have fun. I feel comfortable and happy. My friends tell me I'm happy.

I had a 4 month relationship in 2013 with a "perfect dream guy". I fell hard. But then he turned out not to be who I thought he was. He turned out to be picky and petty. He assumed he knew I meant this when I said that. It was exhausting. And heartbreaking because there was so much we had in common, and so much chemistry.

Chemistry isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I recently had a conversation with my neighbor about the BF. I jokingly told him that I tried to find someone perfect but failed. The BF talks too much. Then the next day I thought, this is a good way to look at it. We can try to find someone perfect, but it's impossible.

Instead I think people should spend a little more time getting to know more people.
 dynamicones
Joined: 2/7/2018
Msg: 43
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never give up never settle
Posted: 4/8/2019 1:36:33 PM
Well you've dissected this point by point so I'll answer in kind. I'm 59 but nobody believes this and my closest friends (mostly under 30) have decided I'm 44 and as pof limits who you can talk to via age and as my girlfriend is 42... you're over thinking this one. 2. engaged, NOT MARRIED single 3. my last 3 girlfriends including this one didn't get their first actual date on the town for 30 days. 2 years ago I tried traditional dating again twice and realized why I quit doing that. 4. one of the most common things I've heard from women is "I'll do anything for you" which is total bs so I began calling them out on it, prove it! 5 I've been married once, I was engaged once more and according to another girlfriend I was engaged a 2nd time, so what is this wood work crap you speak of 6 I was asked by a girl at work "you live the life of riley, will you ever give that up?" to which I replied, "today, for the right woman, never for the wrong one" I'm not frustrated at all being single, I love single, but a good relationship is bettr than being single, being single is better than a bad relationship
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 44
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never give up never settle
Posted: 4/8/2019 5:31:42 PM

I'm not frustrated at all being single, I love single, but a good relationship is bettr than being single, being single is better than a bad relationship

The counter to that would be: 4 months in, and up until today (about 1.5 years) -- you (and maybe she) are looking for action on the side. Hey, I'm not judging about that concept. But how Good is a relationship to you, if you're 100% monogamous?
never give up never settle
Posted: 4/10/2019 6:12:36 AM

I settled. Been with BF 2.5 years now. He is not my dream guy. But he tells me he lives me often. We do things together and we have fun. I feel comfortable and happy. My friends tell me I'm happy.


Wow, this tugs at my heartstrings. So romantic. A night under the moon and stars, face to face..

"You're not my dream guy, but at this juncture, I guess you'll do."

What a lucky devil.

(grabs hanky)
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 46
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never give up never settle
Posted: 4/10/2019 6:56:50 AM

Well you've dissected this point by point so I'll answer in kind. I'm 59 but nobody believes this and my closest friends (mostly under 30) have decided I'm 44 and as pof limits who you can talk to via age and as my girlfriend is 42... you're over thinking


Yeah, I hear you.
I'm 66 but no one believes it either, they've decided I'm 43 so....I'm still 66 and that's what my profile says because I don't have to lie to get a date.


My friends tell me I'm happy.


What would we do without our friends that tell us we don't look our age and that we're happy?
 Jay6598
Joined: 3/30/2019
Msg: 47
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never give up never settle
Posted: 4/13/2019 10:20:43 PM
I guess I'm wondering about your vetting process. If you're going on with the women and not really into it except for the moment?
I mean, all those dates and all those women "not lasting" more than 60 days or whatever it was.
All those engagements....
If I met you that'd alarm me. As in, ok I guess I have 59 days left (if I wanted those days that is)
Kinda like you're screwing around while you're talking about being serious....action vs words and all that.
Sorta like the fairy princess who thinks it's all got to be just so perfect or it's nothing?
You sound like a time bomb dude!
It's all just too confusing for me, carry on!
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 48
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never give up never settle
Posted: 4/22/2019 12:31:17 AM
Because dreams are unrealistic. And I would never say that to him. He considers himself lucky, actually said so tonight just after dinner. And his compliment was not for the food, it was for my company. Earlier in the day we went for a walk in the woods, talked about our plans. We are doing well, thanks.

Looking for your dream person may prevent you from finding the right person.


Wow, this tugs at my heartstrings. So romantic. A night under the moon and stars, face to face..

"You're not my dream guy, but at this juncture, I guess you'll do."

What a lucky devil.

(grabs hanky)
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