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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Should I delay dating until my kids are older?      Home login  
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 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 26
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older? Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Your kids can/should learn to be more quiet, but of course their mere presence is extra noise. How old are they? Kids should be doing cleaning tasks, to learn and to help you. I know you want to move and mom wants you out, but it would be great to stay longer and grow a buffer $$$$. You know once you move, saving may not even be possible.

Courts seem very lient and do not like squeezing out whatever parent that's bad, but I wish you luck with that. Guerrero mentioned online help, not sure who offers that. In my state, the Bar Association does free consultations to help with paper work. They do it once a week in libraries here, by appt. It's no fun doing it yourself, even with their help. You still have to go file, pay fees.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 27
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/4/2018 10:21:08 PM
My kids are 2, 6 and 8. My 2-year-old, in particular is fairly loud and is at that stage where she gets into absolutely everything. And my 8-year-old acts like a teenager, thinks she knows everything and talks back a lot these days, especially after she talks to her dad on the phone. I overhear their conversations on Facebook video when he's constantly saying things about me but all I can do is bite my tongue. Both my 6 and 8 year old have gotten difficult since their dad left and seem to put me to blame for everything. They like his girlfriend a lot too, say she's much prettier than me (and she is, as a thin beautiful blonde) but she's batshit crazy, even shot him "accidentally" one time while hunting together (busted up his leg pretty bad) and she and him break up constantly. Every second time my kids talk to them, my 6-year-old cries because they've broken up again. The neighbours (who I'm still friends with) told me the shouting matches between them were horrendous when they still lived in our house. The way he actually ended our relationship was by moving her into our house with our kids there and everything. She was actually a friend of ours from years before and I know she's had a history of mental issues. Part of me actually feels sorry for her being stuck with him although I still hate her for what she did and how it affects my kids.

I am trying to self-represent myself and I think I can manage somewhat, I've completed the interim custody order application on my own but I'm worried about what to actually do once I'm in court. I live in Canada and I'm not aware of online consultations. I did get a lawyer to consult with me pro-bono but the half hour I got was all I get, no court representation or anything. Oh well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. My dad told me to go to court one day to watch the proceedings and get more comfortable in a court room so I'm planning on doing that in the near future.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 28
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/4/2018 10:43:56 PM
Why not just cut off contact with him completely. He did nothing to enhance their lives when you were together and he's definitely not doing it now. I know you'd have to explain it to the kids but figuring out a logical explanation my might be easier than putting up with his crap.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 29
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/4/2018 11:09:19 PM
I would but in that brief pro bono meeting I had I was advised to let them maintain contact with him and facilitate it since I wasn't allowing him to take them to Manitoba. The courts apparently don't look kindly on blocking one parent from communicating with their kids. Its actually against the law. Because he's in a different province though, I'm allowed to keep them from visiting him in Manitoba until a custody order is in place. I'm worried though that one day he will pick them up after school because it's legal for him to do so until I'm officially named as the primary custodian And because I don't know where he lives and his own family doesn't even know (they cut off contact with him stealing from his parents after we split) and I constantly worry he'll take them to his home which I don't even know where that is. There's my daughters' dance recital coming up in May and I know he's going to show up and he's going to ask to take the girls out for supper or something and I don't know if I have the strength to deal with my kids if I won't let them go be with their dad who they haven't seen for a while. And he's a dangerous man and I'm afraid of what he'll do if I won't let him. I just wish I could figure out where he lives so I can get papers to him and then I could get legal rights. His sister saw his girlfriend post something to Facebook online garage sale and had a friend fake interest in the item for sale but when they tried to tail her after they went to meet her (the sister hid in the car) it turned into a high speed chase and they lost her somewhere in Winnipeg. And knowing the amount of people he knows in that city, they could be anywhere.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 30
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/4/2018 11:15:34 PM
Actually I know the law, I just wanted to hear your explanation. It's a fucked up system. My brother-in-law owes my sister over $11,000in child support. One child moved back in with him and now she has to pay him $500 a month. No mention of the $11,000 in court. Like I said it's a fucked up system. Hopefully things eventually work out in your favor or he dies.
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/5/2018 8:23:38 AM

Should I delay dating until my kids are older?

I dont think you should turn into a monk but you do need to be extremely careful who you bring around your children. Back when I was raising children on my own, I didn't have a lot of free time to date with looking after them and a full time job. I did learn how to be really independent, which has served me well.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 32
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/5/2018 10:00:50 AM
July, For your kids, I think getting them to be better behaved will serve you and them well. With better behavior, there's less stress on you, but also for them to not always be in trouble, and kids really do better with more boundaries.

I shared what you wrote with my gf that just went thru a similar situation. This was her response:

Well that’s a good suggestion from her dad, but with three kids, sounds like there isn’t a lot of free time for her to do that.

She should see if the court has a facilitator, someone that will look at her paperwork and see if she has all she needs for what she is trying to do.

As for her kids, I’m sure they’re coping as best they can, but if she doesn’t nip the talking back in the bud now, she’s in for it.

At 8 already with the attitude?! My son is 13 now and has tested those waters and he’s learned that’s not flying with me. This isn’t going to be easy for her. She’s gonna have to toughen up
 Guerrero
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 33
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/5/2018 10:52:36 AM
julystorm7


I am trying to self-represent myself and I think I can manage somewhat, I've completed the interim custody order application on my own but I'm worried about what to actually do once I'm in court. I live in Canada and I'm not aware of online consultations. I did get a lawyer to consult with me pro-bono but the half hour I got was all I get, no court representation or anything. Oh well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. My dad told me to go to court one day to watch the proceedings and get more comfortable in a court room so I'm planning on doing that in the near future.


Please google "Free online legal consultation in Canada"

Moreover, check with your court distract, they should give some sort of legal advice.

Some anxiety is normal during this type of situations, and you can use it as a power of motivating yourself to reach your goal. However, make sure it will not increase to the point of an anxiety disorder. If it hits this point, a therapist should be involved.

Have you tried to read a book about "Empowerment"?
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 34
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/5/2018 3:31:03 PM
I actually saw a counsellor a few times (my work pays for it) but the counsellor was really no help after a few sessions. She kept telling me things I already know. I was kind of disappointed but unfortunately, she's the only one in my geographic area that my work will cover.

My 8-year-old is the way she is because of my ex. For years she observed him yelling at me and talking down to me and such and he used to find it funny when she would do that to me too. He wanted her to be like him. She has a lot of problems in school and she's been seeing a counsellor at school regularly. While she was extremely difficult the first few months after the split because I wouldn't let her live with him and he kept telling her she could if Mom wasn't a ****** , she's actually improved more and more since she doesn't go to his house anymore. She and my mom still bicker quite a bit though and I've had trouble dealing with it. On one hand, Grandma is a grownup and my daughter has to be respectful to her but on the other end, my mom nitpicks and it reminds me of why she and I fought constantly when I was growing up. I think once I get my own place things will improve more. My mom needs space and my kids and I need our space to be ourselves and comfortable in our own home.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 35
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/5/2018 9:53:17 PM
Your 8 year old, I'd sanction the crap out of her, targeting what's most important. My gf chose to take away her son's cell phone. This is a new generation where so many parents take crap from their kids, and they rule the roost. That didn't fly back in the day. I understand how your ex is negatively influencing her, but I wouldn't accept it. Besides that, she needs chores to do, even if it's just making her bed. Expect more from her. Now is the time to control her or she's going get worse with age.

If my kid disrespected my mother, she wouldn't see the light of day. It's no wonder your mom wants you out, the kids are out of control. It's your mom's home, she's allowed to nitpick. Your daughter is a step away from cursing you both out. She's gonna get you thrown out of your mothers place. I told my girlfriend, your son is watching your ex disrespect you and he may want to try to do that too, and don't let him. She made sure he respected her and he has chores to do. He was trying her out for size, but she shut that down.

I would let her live with her father. Tell him he can have her. He doesn't want her. He doesn't want the responsibility. No how, no way, lol. The gf won't want her either. Your daughter would be begging to come home. He's only saying he wants her to be annoying to you just like my girlfriend's husband fought for custody, but then rented out the room their son is supposed to stay in, in his apt.

Things in print may not come out right, so I hope what I said didn't do that.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 36
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/5/2018 11:45:05 PM
My ex would take her because his girlfriend wants my kids. She lost custody of all 3 of hers.

My kids do lots of chores, they have chore charts and everything. When I say my mom nitpicks, its a bunch of stuff that is unreasonable. For instance, my daughter was helping fold laundry and actually trying to do a good job but my mom got mad at her and lost patience because my daughter couldn't fold it exactly as my mom wanted. Or my daughter hums songs to herself a lot and my mom gets angry. Or the kids were helping me bake cookies and my mom was upset because they were making a mess, not intentionally but I was going to clean it up anyways, just a little flour on the floor and messy hands that touched the cupboards. Or I make sure the house is clean before she gets home and she finds something to complain about, today it was the books that my two-year-old pulled off the shelf just before she got home and my mom complained to me that she always has to come home to a mess. I love my mother but she's a neat freak and its driving me absolutely crazy. And my kids are afraid to do anything in the house because Grandma gets mad. She yells at them for every little thing. It drives me bonkers.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 37
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 12:25:15 AM
Good grief, re: the gf. I think your daughter wouldn't like to be around them arguing. They may make your mom look like the better deal☺ Yeah, the stuff you mentioned doesn't sound too bad for her to complain about.
It must be very stressful for all concerned. Does your mom date?
 Guerrero
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 38
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 6:11:23 AM
julystorm7


I actually saw a counsellor a few times (my work pays for it) but the counsellor was really no help after a few sessions. She kept telling me things I already know. I was kind of disappointed but unfortunately, she's the only one in my geographic area that my work will cover.


Nobody cannot help us, unless we help ourselves first. It is all about you and your will. If you were sad, you may taste the sugar and find it bitter. If you want to live the sadness, letting your emotion to control you, the unconscious part of your mind will refuse any advice or treatment.

Whatever poor choices we made in our lives, we must put up with the results, without blaming ourselves.

What happened was an inevitable destiny. It is your fate and you would not be able to escape it. However, the future is yours, and where the change is coming.

You are a role model. Yes, you are for your kids. So, do whatever it takes, to make them proud of you, all their entire life.

Please watch this video and tell me if it helps a little bit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N81zTEp3aEs
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 39
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 9:29:58 AM
I actually have been watching youtube videos on self esteem and stress and divorce for a couple of months which I find helps. I'm actually not a stressed out person, very laid back in general and I'm happier these last several months than I have been in 10 years now that I'm free from my ex. Dealing with him from afar is much easier than living with him. I'm actually pretty excited to live my life without him now. The only thing that gets to me now is the loneliness of being a single parent, having no time for myself. In some ways, my mom is the other parent right now and our parenting styles do not mesh. We never got along when I was growing up, she was always a nagger and nitpicker and always making mountains out of molehills. Yes, my mom is stressed and has no patience because we are all constantly in her space that she wants back plus its a bit in her personality type. She's the type of person that just finds things to stress about and I can handle her cause I figured her out years ago but my kids haven't yet. And my mom hasn't been dating lately or going out as much and I think that's part of the problem. She's been watching my kids a lot more when I work evening or weekend or night shifts. Childcare has been an issue and when I arranged for a babysitter to come one weekend my mom got upset at me because she said why get a babysitter when she's home and able. It's like she resents the responsibility of taking care of the grandkids but at the same time gets offended if I get someone else. Plus she wants me to pay off as much of my debts as possible before I move outs so she gets upset at me paying someone to babysit. I think come the spring things will start to get better as we get out more and do things. Let's call it cabin fever. Maybe I'll just start taking the kids for long walks and stay at the park for 3 hours.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 40
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 4:32:01 PM
I’ve been in a similar situation in which I had no time to date because I was a full time care-taker for my elderly parents who were suffering from terminal illnesses. I wouldn’t mind dating a woman with young kids, but I wouldn’t date a woman with teenage children. Maybe ask your mother to look after your kids while you take a trip somewhere on the weekend. It might make you feel better.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 41
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 5:53:01 PM
Kiss sure has a nice idea for you to do a weekend getaway, not sure how that would fly with your mom☺ I bet a date would a nice guy would fit the bill too.

Kiss, if you dated someone with smaller kids, what happens when they become teenagers?
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 42
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 5:53:46 PM
Kiss sure has a nice idea for you to do a weekend getaway, not sure how that would fly with your mom☺ I bet a date with a nice guy would fit the bill too.

Kiss, if you dated someone with smaller kids, what happens when they become teenagers?
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 43
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 6:15:28 PM
New Yorker, it’s more natural to start parenting when kids are younger, and you will have been through all the stages of growing up with them. Suddenly being expected to be a mentor to a teenager when you have no experience is like diving into a pool when you don’t know how to swim.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 44
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/6/2018 7:53:08 PM
^^^^that makes sense.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 45
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/7/2018 2:08:23 AM
Actually, studies show that the younger the kids are at the beginning, the better the relationship goes. I have mixed feelings about dating right now. On the one hand maybe I need to wait a couple years but on another hand, in a few years my kids will be getting into their teenage years so it won't be good then. But waiting until they are all out of the house is such a long time. 16 years until the youngest turns 18.

What I do know is that when I was dating and talking with guys online, that I was really happy. It gave me something to be excited about for when my kids were in bed or when they still went to their dad's. Now my nights consist of going on a couple forums including this one or watching tv. When I was single way back in the day, I didn't mind it. I liked my independence. But that was because I had a ton of friends that I would hang out with and I actually talked on the phone more too and I was in things like the student newspaper, kickboxing club and played soccer. Now I'm tied down with the kids and never go out and I have no friends around here. I haven't been successful in making any close friends with kids. The friends I did have before were all couples and when you are single it's really hard to hang out with couples. The few single moms I know of we either don't have a lot in common or our kids don't jive well. My kids' best friend's parents are all not people I could be friends with. I still keep trying though. Meeting friends in real life these days seems to have the same problems as meeting a romantic interest in real life. People don't branch out so much anymore because they are too busy on their tv's, cell phones or computers.
 Kelley300698
Joined: 3/21/2018
Msg: 46
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/23/2018 10:35:47 PM
I don't have children so I cannot relate to the pressures and responsibilities you have. However, I do know this much, every year you wait is another year that your desirability and choices become less and the demographics will be less favorable. I sure you are aware of that and no doubt you are weighing the advantage of postponing, if any, vs. the disadvantage of having fewer choices in men by waiting.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 47
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/23/2018 10:53:13 PM
Yes, I do. But I also know that I'm not in a hurry to settle down again. I'm just really thankful for everything I do have. Not so long ago, I was pretty unhappy. Never thought I'd get to be me again. I felt lost, stuck. Now I'm free and the freedom feels good, albeit at times lonely.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 48
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/30/2018 7:44:17 AM
Date when you feel like it. Try to look for single dads though, leave the single guys alone.
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