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 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 26
Fertility MattersPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Availability is a bigger problem than affordability when it comes to housing for me. I just can't seem to get in anywhere. If I moved to the city I could find a place to rent but I want to raise my kids in a small place like where I am now. Not much to rent now though, supply does not meet demand. The plan is to save money for a down payment to buy my own place but that may take a couple years.

I understand what you are saying about waiting till my kids are grown and out of the house before getting with someone. That idea just makes me incredibly sad. I know it's selfish but I really don't want to wait another 16 years. As it is, I have postponed dating for a while until I am in my own place.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 27
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 4:28:44 AM

You have three children, one of them a very young child. And you live at your mothers home due to cost of housing, she assists in sitter duties?
The very last thing you need to be worried about is marketability in providing a child to some guy.

not meaning to be harsh, but realistic.

Yes. This. All of it.

Tough love time. I have read your posts here. Your priorities should be taking care of your children and being 100% self reliant. You are unable to do either of those things without help. I know it is hard. Trust me. I did it. Alone. Completely alone. My oldest was in 2nd grade while my other two were kindergarten and preschool when I separated from my ex. I hadn't worked in years. I have no education. I had no family to help. I had to build a network around us to be able to do basic things like go to the grocery store (my car was repossessed). Yes, I am dirt poor. I drive an old minivan. I don't go on vacations. I have to save and save and save for things that others take for granted as just regular purchases. I have had more setbacks than I can even think about. I didn't even think about dating for years and years. I chose to be a parent and that was all that mattered. I put them first. Period. I didn't think about remarrying or having more children. How could I entertain such thoughts when I struggled with the three that I had? That would have been so selfish.

I could have had a revolving door of men or chosen one who I didn't really want to be with but could have had. I was younger than you. I am thin and what would be considered conventionally attractive. I have never lacked male attention. I had lots of older men who would have been thrilled to "take care of me". I could have married one of them just for the money. Easily. But my children and being self reliant (even if just barely) were my priorities - not my base needs.

My children are now in their twenties. Two have graduate degrees and the third graduates in less than three weeks. My house will be paid for in less than six years. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I made hard choices and they were the right choices. My children are better because of those choices and so am I.

This is my story - a tiny fraction of it - and that does not mean it should be the same for you. I am just oversharing. I just don't want to see you like so many other women who just go from man to man adding more and more children to the mix who they are unable to care for. You are correct that fertility matters. It matters a lot. The fact that in your thoughts you are prioritizing the need or ability to have more children when you aren't even dating is really out of proportion.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 28
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 6:41:56 AM
^^spot on.

dating doesn't take you away from the stresses in life, but adds them up. Sometimes the drama feels thrilling, but it catches up.
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 7:11:23 AM

I understand what you are saying about waiting till my kids are grown and out of the house before getting with someone. That idea just makes me incredibly sad. I know it's selfish but I really don't want to wait another 16 years. As it is, I have postponed dating for a while until I am in my own place.

Between working and raising three children I wonder where you would find the time to date. I think when you decide to have children you make a decision not to be selfish anymore. Their needs always should come before anything else. Dating is a risky proposition when there are young children involved.Too many things can and do go wrong when strangers become involved. Not trying to be mean, but you sound fairly naive to me. I have no doubt you might just trust the wrong person out of that naiveness, or your loneliness.
You my dear do not need a man in your life to make you whole. You should just concentrate on the children you do have. They grow up way to fast. Like a previous poster stated, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 30
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 7:41:51 AM
It sounds like a case of "I'm looking for someone to save me". I can't imagine many guys truly wanting to get involved with a single parent with young kids. Maybe another single parent with young kids might. But who wants to double the work with two sets of kids? If all of your time is tied up between work and raising kids, and needing to live with parents to financially get by, what do you bring to the table that would attract the right guy? How many women would be attracted to a guy in the same situation-who is looking for a woman to save him?
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 31
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 7:51:56 AM
Light at the end of the tunnel...sigh, when? I'm not naive, you don't know me, but you should know that about me. I just long for a better life. I just see so many other happy couples and kids around me, most of them blended families, and I want that. I don't want to be alone. My 9-year relationship with my ex I was incredibly lonely and had no hope for anything better and now that I have this hope I'd hate to tuck it away. It really sucks. And maybe because my life is so tied down with my kids I feel so much lonelier than if I was independent and free. Before I had kids I was mostly single and I liked it. I love my kids but I still feel lonely.

I have a lack of friends and maybe that's why getting a boyfriend sounds so appealing to me. If I had friends, I might feel differently, I don't know. When I was in my relationship it was too hard to have friends because my ex always belittled me and I was always embarrassed of him and his behaviour and he used to get upset if I wanted to go out somewhere without him. I moved home a couple years ago but none of my old friends live around here and I haven't been successful making many new friends, the few women I have befriended are part of a happy couples and they have their own busy lives, going on Caribbean vacations, driving their kids all over for hockey, going out to eat at nice restaurants and the like. And with my family, I feel like they are look down on me because I'm in this situation, that they all think they are better than me with their successful lives and I feel like a black sheep sometimes. What is most upsetting for me is that I have worked hard for years. I put myself through seven years of university, working full time throughout and I have worked full time and often overtime all of my adult life except when I was on mat leave and I don't have much to show for it.

Something else really bugs me and I know it shouldn't but the fact that my ex has a girlfriend just bothers me. And she's a a really good-looking girlfriend and my kids love her, talk about her all the time (even though they don't actually ever go there, they just video chat). I just can't understand how someone who is such a narcissistic jerk gets to find someone else and I have to be alone. Trying not to feel bitter about that but even though he was such an awful person and I'm glad to be free of him, it still hurts to be the one left. I know I need to let it go but the unfairness of it all bugs me. I have all the responsibility, financially and otherwise and he gets to run around free as a bird and be in a relationship
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 32
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 8:10:26 AM
^^^ Sounds like you're not happy with yourself. A relationship isn't going to fix that.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 33
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 8:13:59 AM

My 9-year relationship with my ex I was incredibly lonely and had no hope for anything better and now that I have this hope I'd hate to tuck it away. It really sucks.


And yet you stayed and stayed and stayed, AND had 2 more children with this man.
Julystorm, to you it seems you are not naïve. To us who have gotten to know you thru your posts and responses here in the Forums, our impression is ....................You seem naïve about many things.

Life is not fair. But you are an adult.
Take a look at your life. Place yourself in your children's shoes. Do you like what you see.?
IF your children could read what you have revealed to us, would they be proud of you? The decisions you make today, tomorrow, next month, next year, will determine who your children, will be when they grow up. Learn from your past, and make the right choices, today. BE the mother to your children you wish your mom could have been to you.

Our children grow up quickly and it is never too late to choose a better way going forward. We can't change the past, but we CAN change the future
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 34
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 8:45:27 AM
I'm mixed on this one. In one breath I feel sorry for your situation and how you feel and in the next I feel like reprimanding you.

The feeling sorry for you relates to past choices you have made that have led you to where you are now - those past choices are just that - they can't be taken back and you have to live with them, work around them and move on instead of bemoaning them and basically feeling sorry for yourself because you see others have something you don't. That alone will make you unattractive potential relationship material.

The reprimanding part relates to the fact that you have three children, feel tied down because of them even though I'm sure you love them dearly, and yet you would consider having more in order to snag a man if that's what HE wanted. That line of thinking smacks of using children as a commodity. To be the best mother you can be and to be the best person for yourself, you should make a decision to have them because you want them, yearn for them and can see to their best interests on your own should something adverse happen to their father, never mind splitting up with the father - not having them as a deal making proposition to get you into a relationship that you have no way of knowing would fulfil you or not. Some say not having children is selfish - and in some cases having them is even more selfish.
 zsuzsa62
Joined: 1/31/2016
Msg: 35
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 8:57:37 AM
Our children grow up quickly and it is never too late to choose a better way going forward. We can't change the past, but we CAN change the future."

^^^^^^^So true.
I do have regrets, wish I could have done things differently/better.

I'm thinking the OP must have good time management skills because I could barely find the time to sleep raising three kids on my own and working full time. Evenings were homework, lessons, lunches and always so much laundry and cleaning when they went to bed. Very little social or leisure time. And still...I have regrets.
But even though they're grown up, I can be a better mom now.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 36
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 9:03:12 AM
Others probably have better insight into kids and dating.
My kids were in high school and college when I got divorced.
Step mothers and new girlfriends or wives were never an issue
with my girls or my ex or myself.

But one thing I do know is true.
As Mr. Cooldog said, you are in very unhappy place right now.
You don't like yourself very much, you're envious of your ex's
girlfriend, you have no friends and you're super lonely. I wonder
the impact that has on your children. But that aside, you can't
love someone else and be happy in a relationship until you love
yourself. Until you do, bad choices will seem like really good
temporary ideas.

Fix yourself. Get your sparkle back. Be someone you'd like to
meet and be friends with.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 37
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 9:32:27 AM

And yet you stayed and stayed and stayed, AND had 2 more children with this man.


There are people who think the way to fix a broken marriage is to have kids, and all problems with the marriage will automatically go away. We don't know if that's the case here, but it's never a good idea to have kids if a relationship is on a self-destruct course. As for someone putting all of the blame of a failed relationship on their ex (which is very common): there's the saying that there's three sides to every story: His side, her side, and the truth.

One of the first things the OP should do is get over it: The part that her ex moved on and has a girlfriend, making the OP jealous. Do you want the ex to be as miserable with life as you? That's an ugly quality. You will never be able to move on if you're hung up with what's going on with the ex.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 38
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Posted: 4/13/2018 9:56:55 AM

Mr. Cooldog


Has a nice ring to it Ms. broweyesboo...
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 39
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 10:21:50 AM

my ex always belittled me and I was always embarrassed of him and his behaviour and he used to get upset if I wanted to go out somewhere without him.




he was such an awful person





I'm not naive,


If it wasn't "naivete" ( lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.) that compelled you to have a 9 year relationship and 3 kids with such an individual, what was it?


you don't know me


We don't need to.
We know the "story".

It's a common one both on the forums and in real life.

Young, single, childless woman makes a poor decision and gets involved with the wrong guy, and gets herself deep into a tough serious life situation.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 40
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 10:32:17 AM
I know you guys are all right. I think I'm not in a happy place right now. It may have something to do with being stuck cooped up so much with having my surgery 2 weeks ago and the cold weather. There's still two feet of snow on the ground. Sometimes life just piles up a lot of stress. Dealing with court custody order issues and work issues and kid issues and parent issues and tax issues. Definitely not a good time to get into a relationship. I do know this. Just a lot of pondering the future, something I've been doing these past few months. Such a lot of change and trying to figure out what my life is going to look like the next few years.

I wouldn't enter a relationship at this point in my life. I know it wouldn't be right. I don't have much to offer anyone right now. And my confidence in myself at the moment is at a low. Once the summer comes and I can get into my own place and I can hopefully resolve this court stuff and I get a new position at work maybe things will start looking up. This last year has been a tough one though. I am sorry if I am annoying anyone with my whining. I honestly appreciate everyone's input on things.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 41
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 11:10:26 AM
"I just long for a better life"

>>>that's perfectly human, but even people you think have a better life...want it to be even better. When I was your age, I was alone and wanted the happiness, the comfort, the stability I saw in others who were coupled up. Even when they went out with me to escape their partner, the drudgery, the being cooped up with this person b/c that was all they could afford. they told me I had it made, and I told them.

as a single dude, I can tell you, very few women wanted a guy they had to make happy. I suspect any man you find who wants to make you happy, may also have an agenda. If you can find family-friendly events to go to, you may find you have enough fun on your own and with your kids. if you can be happy and not looking for romance, you may be surprised that it comes looking for you. of course, it may be that guy who's hoping to leech some of that happiness away for himself :)

it really sucks when it seems like everyone's ahead of us. I live in a small town who's only economic growth is building more senior living areas--oh joy. I just got home from being with a friend who used to live here, she's moved on to a yuppie area that's always doing something. I'm at the age now where I don't mind living here, I like the quiet--but when I was younger, this was snoozeville.

" I just can't understand how someone who is such a narcissistic jerk gets to find someone else and I have to be alone. "

>>>This will be very cold comfort, I hated hearing it when I was in your shoes, but...you aren't the only person wondering WTF about this fact in life. why do the squeaky wheels get the grease? we all know the saying, time wounds all heels. Jerks typically get screwed in the end, as they burn every bridge. But for right now, the injustice burns. All we can do, is watch ourselves and our own little world.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 42
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 11:26:57 AM
My "kids" are your age - 33 and 34. During times when they have felt overwhelmed by numerous things at once, what I've told them, and what seems to work well for them, is to pick the most pressing matter to concentrate on first, get that either out of the way or well on its way to being resolved and then concentrate on the next most pressing issue. When a person attempts to concentrate (over-think) ALL of their perceived issues at the same time, it creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety which, in turn, leads to not being able to handle any one of those issues effectively - kind of like looking at all of your housework, getting overwhelmed by it all and then sitting around not doing any of it because of being overwhelmed, and it piles up some more...and the vicious cycle continues.

You already have admitted that a relationship is not a number one priority. Which of the remainder of your listed issues would you deem the next most important to you? If saving money to get into your own place is the next most important but you feel you don't have enough income to do so, then finding a new position that pays more would facilitate that. Therefore, the energy thinking about moving wouldn't be as important as concentrating on a new position that pays more. In other words, prioritize.
 blackbeauty744
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 43
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Posted: 4/13/2018 11:28:28 AM
I realize you are quite busy with the three youngins but based upon the descriptions you have provided, your last relationship sounds abusive. If you are open, is it possible for you to visit with a mental health counselor? I mean this very seriously.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 44
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 11:50:13 AM

Has a nice ring to it Ms. broweyesboo...


You are always a gentleman, Mr. Cooldog!

 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 45
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 12:05:35 PM

I am sorry if I am annoying anyone with my whining. I honestly appreciate everyone's input on things.

You aren't whining. Unfortunately it appears you have only your mother to share these things with and the way you describe it she wouldn't be much help. If the forums didn't exist would you have anyone to talk to? Having no one to talk with would be far worse which was probably what it was like during your relationship. You are sharing your life and people are responding to it which is what you need. I also have to mention I like the way you deal with the fucksticks, oops the ones you annoy on here.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 46
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 12:49:10 PM
I don't consider myself a ****stick, but I also haven't seen anyone
express annoyance with Ms. July.

She's started many threads and participated in others with thoughtful
responses and has received honest replies when asking for advice or
when sharing her experiences.

Talk about ****sticks.
You could have left your last sentence off.
But no.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 47
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 12:49:12 PM
That's really good advice chameleonof, looking at all the things that are giving you stress and working on the most important. For me, it's getting a custody order in place which I have to do on my own without a lawyer. And regarding my job, I make okay money ($23 an hour) and have good benefits but the cost of living has skyrocketed where I live and it's almost an impossibility to live on one's own. And there really aren't very many better paying jobs around here unless I go to school for another few years or I work at the mine or for the railway, which I can't because the hours don't work with having kids. I've actually contemplating quitting my job and getting a lower-paying one so that I can get into low-income housing and get supplemental dental benefits and such. It sounds so wrong but the thought is very alluring.

Yes blackbeauty744, I was in an abusive situation. I won't get into it but I'll just say that for those who haven't gone through it, it's really hard to understand why someone stays in such a relationship and what a person is thinking having kids with someone like that. Once upon a time I was a strong, smart and independent young woman with the world ahead of her but I got together with him and I changed into a person that was opposite of that.I can't change the past, I can't go back and tell myself to do things differently, but I can learn from it and make sure I make good decisions for myself and my kids in the future.

I would like to go to counselling sessions myself but for some reason both the counsellors I saw I couldn't connect with. One was too young and uninsightful and the other it was just awkward and she seemed to be watching the clock. It took me a lot of guts to go see a counsellor too. I may try again but it takes a lot of willpower to take those steps.

I did do some dating in December to March and I had fun but I realized I had some issues to work out. I'm not sure at this point if I ever want to be in a relationship again, commitment scares me, but I miss the sexual side of things. I don't want to go without sex forever. I would like to get up the guts to do an occasional rendez-vous of sorts but there's a battle inside my mind of whether that would make me a tramp or just someone needing some physical release of sorts. Call it an ethical dilemma. When I did that dating I did find it was a good release. Am I just being ridiculous?
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 48
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 1:54:00 PM
^^^"I miss the sexual side of things. I don't want to go without sex forever."

That's a switch. It's usually women who are moaning and complaining about guys who want sex.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 10/14/2017
Msg: 49
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 2:03:18 PM
I think most men don't realize for some women....their life is not all about "sex"...anybody can rut like a dog.
If everything else clicks....outside of the bedroom and everyday life...sex is but 10% of a good relationship. In other words it's part of life in a good relationship.
BUT if outside of the bedroom is it's not working on all other levels....sex will become 90% of the problem....in your mind.

Do you understand what I am getting at?
Of course....jmo.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 50
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 2:16:20 PM
^^^ I think that there are plenty of women who are stuck in relationships in which they’re not sexually satisfied or not getting enough sex. I think sex is more than 10% of a relationship to most women. It’s what makes a romantic relationship more than just friends. I don’t necessarily agree with treating your romantic partner as your friend.
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