Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Fertility Matters      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Whisky_River
Joined: 10/14/2017
Msg: 51
Fertility MattersPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I don't think you grasped what I was saying....partially my fault on my wording.
It's not about women "NOT" liking or wanting sex....at all.
Being in a good healthy relationship is much more than having sex.
I don't know how to explain it any better...than that.
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 3:29:50 PM
Young lady who started this thread, you have gotten some sage advice here but I detect a subtle "shaming" from some of the responses

Get your ducks in a row and decide what you want.

I think you are a beautiful young lady with a pretty smile and some smarts.

If you want a husband or new relationship, you are a healthy, normal young lady.

Make sure you resolve your personal issues before getting involved again.

I do think some of the advice in here is slightly off. Here's how...saying your life should be all about your kids...well yes, they're important, but so are you. You need and deserve something and someone for yourself.

I think a little bit of counseling is in order. And a good therapist would tell you what I just stated. My sister had an abusive marriage in the past and went that route. Her friends and family helped her and the children so they could live a happier life.

Nothing wrong with that.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 6:25:49 PM
Your life hasn't been any bed of roses ~ very few really are ...

My advice ?

#1 - The kids are, your #1 priority ~ everything must revolve around their care ...
Your personal needs and desires > are secondary & take a seat , way in the back ...

#2 - Forget about any relationship ~ other then them ...
#3 - Forget about dating, sex, your x's girlfriend, your x husbands situation, " a better life" , things that " bug you ", your loneliness, etc etc etc ...

#4 - Absolutely BUST YOUR ASS & nothing more, from now on ...

#5 - You sometimes come across, as if you are an elderly person, at times ~ stop that and start being THANKFUL !! You REALLY do have many things, to be thankful for ( need I go into, the quite extensive list ? )

#6 - You are soooo young ~ a long life is ahead.
After your children , are on their own ~
You'll have 30 solid healthy years left, to personally indulge yourself, in anything you wish ...

heart / sun
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 54
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 11:30:05 PM
30 years? What if I don't? I am a home health care assistant and my job involves going to people's houses helped them with dressing, personal hygiene, giving them medication. preparing meals, going through their exercises, giving them baths, and often assisting with palliative care and while it's true 80% of my clients are ages 75+ there's a great deal of clients in their 60s, 50s and even 40s. What I've learned is that life can be short and even if it's long, what if you get some dehabilitating disease or suffer some catastrophic injury? I'm in my 30s now and I still think I'm young. I'm not going to make bad decisions involving men because I'm desperate or lonely but I will eventually go back to dating, maybe not in the next year but at some point. Yes, my kids will always be the most important people in my life but I spend too much time around lonely older people to know that I do not want to be single for the next 16 years. I don't care if I never live with anyone again but I would like to date in the future. There's lots of single moms who date without screwing up their kids and it turns out for them. I think the key is to try have a good self-esteem and an unwillingness to settle. Right now I'm not much of a catch, too much baggage to square away but eventually I will get to a point in my life where I will be ready to date. You may disagree wholeheartedly with me and that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion.
 prettybrwneyedone
Joined: 6/1/2017
Msg: 55
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/13/2018 11:59:14 PM
July: dating is hard, don't weigh the options of changing your fertility based on the dating climate. Do what you are content with and what will bring you the most peace in the long run. There's a lot of instability in the dating world now and what I've observed is that many people get together and not even for the long-term, but they have kids.

I've always wanted one, but I prefer to be with someone for the long-term to raise a child together, because raising a child in a loving, stable environment is hard enough for one person, let alone two parents in the world we're living in. I think the fertility issue may factor in for those in their early twenties and early thirties that don't have, but then there are some people that have never wanted kids.
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 56
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/14/2018 9:17:11 AM
So many people have told me to not date and work on myself because of financial instability. The problem is, some people are very hard working individuals who know how to balance a check book but unforeseeable things just keep popping up and keeping that individual jumping through hoops just to keep their head above water. Not only is it not fair for someone to "have to stay single" but it on it's own can have a negative impact on someone's all around health.If I had a partner, we would be able to combine efforts and live financially well. I shouldn't have to stay single because my life isn't perfect. Not being rich has absolutely nothing to do with who I am as a person or my ability to succeed in a relationship.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 57
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/14/2018 9:44:07 AM
"If I had a partner, we would be able to combine efforts and live financially well."

I'm assuming "efforts" means money/assets. That can be a sticky part in relationships-especially later on in life, if people have assets like a house, or money put away for retirement while another struggles to make ends meet. In a lot of cases, financial compatibility will trump any other compatibility-unless a well-off person is willing to support a poor person, which is rare. And in cases like that, it would be more expected the man to be supporting the woman. Not many women would be willing to be the major breadwinner in a relationship and support a man.
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 58
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/14/2018 9:52:37 AM

Not many women would be willing to be the major breadwinner in a relationship.


Furthest thing from what I'm looking for. I wouldn't mind at all dating someone who doesn't have my money management capabilities and it's very rare that I find someone to match my work ethic. I'm just saying what I said in support of Julystorm not having to wait 16 years to date.

Despite how what I said may be perceived, an awful lot of my family and friends come to me for financial advice because they know me and know that my situation is odd and unbecoming of the way I carry myself.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 59
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/14/2018 9:54:52 AM
I agree with you. It's gotten very difficult to maintain a household on one income, especially when renting. Someone posted the stats of the number of people under 40 still living with their parents and its staggering. Almost half the population of 40 and under reside with their parents in cities such as Toronto and Vancouver and that includes both single and married individuals. People are getting priced out of the market due to rise in groceries and rent. And because rent is so high, they will never be able to save for a mortgage downpayment to buy their own home. Paying a mortgage even with the added expense of maintenance, is still cheaper than renting where I live.

To pair off with someone does make a lot of financial sense. Two incomes contributing means more money for both freed up for other things. Unfortunately, after a certain age, having a samesex roomate is not considered normal unless you are gay. But a man and a woman living together is seen as normal and acceptable. Many couples move in together rather quickly because it eases financial burdens. I personally know of two individuals, a man and a woman, who met on POF and both were tired of living alone and struggling financially so they moved in together. They don't share a room and neither want to be in a relationship with each other either but they have gone to Cuba three times together for holidays, something neither was able to do before they moved in together and pooled their finances.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 60
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/14/2018 10:12:04 AM
"...neither want to be in a relationship with each other..."

It sounds like they don't want to be in a relationship with anybody else as well. Who would date someone who shares a place with someone they met on a dating site, who vacation together, and believe they never sleep together? People don't go to dating sites to look for a platonic roommate to share living expenses.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 61
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/14/2018 10:56:16 PM
Actually, these two probably do. One is 55 and the other is 51 and neither have ever been married or even in a relationship that I know of. They are my cousin and her roommate. I just can't imagine them sleeping together.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 62
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/15/2018 12:56:46 AM

I don't think you grasped what I was saying....partially my fault on my wording.
It's not about women "NOT" liking or wanting sex....at all.
Being in a good healthy relationship is much more than having sex.
I don't know how to explain it any better...than that.


Well I’m going to explain it like a sexual therapist. If the sex is not satisfying, the entire relationship can break down. Lack of communication can also cause distress in a relationship. In fact, I might say that sex is actually part of communication- you need to communicate your needs to your partner.
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 63
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/15/2018 3:44:36 AM

It sounds like they don't want to be in a relationship with anybody else as well. Who would date someone who shares a place with someone they met on a dating site, who vacation together, and believe they never sleep together? People don't go to dating sites to look for a platonic roommate to share living expenses.


I have lived with a couple women, completely platonic on my end. Both of them fell in love with me. In hindsight, one always had a thing for me, I just didn't clue into that. For whatever reason, if I didn't feel something for someone, I subconsciously accepted that the feeling was mutual. Same thing for attraction, if I'm not attracted to someone, I never think about them possibly being attracted to me. Can two straight people of the opposite sex just be friends or will one always want something more? If they are both considered attractive people, I don't think so.

Too often, someone will start seeing another, who has such a roommate, and, despite any and all reassurances, that person with have a thing with their roommate. In my experience, they always seem so honest and certain that there can never be anything between the two of them, and then something happens. Unless the guy is strictly gay, I can not start a relationship with that woman.
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 64
view profile
History
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/15/2018 3:39:06 PM
July, I don't work with people who require care like you do but I've worked in pensions for several years so I know what you mean having the perspective that you can't bank on thirty years after raising your children. However, you already have three children and I haven't really gotten the impression that you really want more. Rather, I have the impression that you're concerned what a partner might want. Again with the pensions background, I'm very aware of the potential for any of the three Ds - death, disability or divorce so I don't see a partner as a forever guarantee. In short, you could be left with four or more children you are solely responsible for. A couple of your posts lead me to believe it really isn't a full time partner that you want but rather someone for occasional companionship and regular sex. I honestly think there must be lots of males too busy for a conventional relationship but want sex and occasional companionship. Have you tried approaching that subject really honestly in your profile? Yes, you might get some ridiculous messages but I think there are some who would just find it refreshing to get their needs met without having to go down the relationship road.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 65
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/15/2018 7:56:35 PM
Honestly, that's what I do want but I don't want to put it in my profile directly . I know way to many people in the area I'd hate to have people see it. The bad part about a small town is lack of anonymity.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 66
view profile
History
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/16/2018 1:26:19 PM

After I had my third baby, I considered getting my tubes tied but since separating I've wondered if that would make it harder for me in the dating market.

What in the World makes you think that? It's only a positive. You're 34 and already have 3 kids. Sure, there'll be a guy or two who will lean to a "nay" about you when they were so-so to begin with, because they'd want the option to have another kid... but that's few and far between... and Much more positives to guys who would Want you to have that.

If you were 24, not 34, then I think you'd have a point on concern. Being mid-30s with 3 kids -- it's time to hang up the gloves. And guys in general who Would be about you for an LTR, most being mid 30s-mid 40s -- would want you to, especially if you're super-fertile (as explained elsewhere) + you can't be on the pill. HELLO! :)

I think it's more that You yourself have qualms about hanging up the gloves... not the dating prospects.
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/16/2018 3:07:02 PM


How much do guys on here consider the fertility question when looking at women on pof to date?


It's the number 1 issue. One advantage of POF and OKC over Tinder is the profile field for whether you have kids. Tinder, if she doesn't state having kids in profile text or have them in photos, you never know when she might reveal the kids (and possibly grandkids!) A few Tinder profiles communicate "no kids" which for women typically means "no kids yet, but would like them or at least I would only be with a dad so I can be a stepmom".

Last night I did a search on OKC in my region and filtered the kids to "doesn't want kids" plus "doesn't have kids" along with no smoking. There were only about a dozen results. The two profiles I viewed, neither was compatible for other reasons revealed in profile text or questions.

Can't undo pregnancy. Extreme physiological changes occur at conception, so even if she takes RU486 a minute after conception, she's permanently altered. As bad as smoking is, in theory a smoker could quit.

One annoying thing about POF is the kids filter doesn't work if you joined after a particular age, something like 43. So the childfree can't filter out breeders and the breeders can't weed out the childless. That leaves advanced search which has problems, for example the distance often gets set to 200 miles.

A group called "No Kidding" is full of what the childfree call "breeder pleasers". They often have the attitude of "I don't have kids, but I love being an aunt / uncle". The No Kidding in my region went to Meetup. Tried joining them. Literally all of their events were book club meetings. I don't drink, therefore I would be completely out of place at a book club meeting because such events are nothing more than drink fests. In addition, the Meetup group demanded everybody pay dues (the owner seems to be making a big profit unless she's the one supplying all the liquor at the book club meetings!) I left the group rather than pay dues for a group whose meetings I would never attend.

It's worst for men who date women in their late 20s and early 30s because that's when women are most likely to "change their mind". I believe wanting kids is like being gay: you were always in that state rather than changing.

Men who date women 18-25 are often OK because more than ever before, women are holding off on getting knocked up until a later age.

Many women are having kids at ancient ages, for example Tammy Duckworth, a senator in Illinois, just gave birth at age FIFTY! So unless she's been "spayed", a middle aged woman might get pregnant these days.
Millions of people are here on earth because a doctor told a woman she couldn't bear children, so the couple wasn't careful and then it became painfully clear she was NOT barren. A coworker married an "infertile" man who gave her SIX kids. Another coworker gave birth to two kids from two different babydaddies despite her doctor telling her she would never get pregnant. They obviously wanted the kids or else they would have been more careful after the first one.

I remember a few years ago someone started a thread about the Leykis Tobasco sauce strategy, and the thread was deleted by voters.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 68
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/17/2018 4:36:04 AM
[Quote] What in the World makes you think that? It's only a positive.

What makes me think that is the number of guys on POF who have stated they want kids in conversations with me . And not just guys who don't have kids but guys with a kid or two who feel they, as non-primary custody fathers, only get to see their kids every other weekend, that they want more so they get to be there to raise them. I've noticed this with guys in their 30s and 40s. It's a question asked very early on if I would have another baby some day.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 69
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/17/2018 6:26:21 AM
if they are around the age of the biological clock ringing, then yes it may be a topic on their mind NOW. but have you known people who say one thing...and do another? :)
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 70
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/17/2018 8:22:37 AM
I think too many women have kids with the wrong person because they are trying to keep up with their biological clocks but when the relationships ends and they have kids they no longer need to settle for less because they've had their kids while at the same time, because they have kids, they have less of a chance to find the right guy because their status as a single mother means less guys want to be with them. Then there's the guys. Guys don't usually start to really worry about having kids till maybe the 40 year mark then they realize they need to find a woman who will have kids but by then at least half of women who are in an age range they can get already have kids. So in this sense men and women don't really match up. If only men and women had equally timed biological clocks.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 71
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/17/2018 8:50:16 AM
"I think too many women have kids with the wrong person because they are trying to keep up with their biological clocks..."

I think many women have kids largely because of peer pressure-keeping up with the Jones'. As soon as someone starts having kids, people in their social circle start saying: "When are you going to start having kids? What are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger". If the woman being pressured to pop out babies gives a valid reason to not have kids right away, like not being able to afford kids right at the moment, the recent mothers will say: "Don't worry about that. Everything will work out." Try telling bill collectors that even though you can't afford to pay bills at the moment, everything will work out-just because your friends/family says so.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 72
view profile
History
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/17/2018 11:22:05 AM

What makes me think that is the number of guys on POF who have stated they want kids in conversations with me . And not just guys who don't have kids but guys with a kid or two who feel they, as non-primary custody fathers, only get to see their kids every other weekend, that they want more so they get to be there to raise them.

First, don't base this off-the-bat talking to guys and going out on a date or three. Guys will, especially ones without kids or don't get to see their 1 kid often at all, will often emphasize wanting kids more because it does make them sound better (not to say they feel the opposite, don't get me wrong). Additionally, if a gal's in her mid-30s with 3 kids already and financially struggling -- she's not going to be an ideal target anyway, for running to the alter to get prego, for those who do want to.

Zoom out -- and look at this on an Individual basis and how things will work out, not as a stat-sheet on a profile. Because in the end, IF you were to have kids -- it's a totally different gear-shift, and it's going to be about the Specific Situation With You. Super-fertile (as you point out elsewhere) and Not on the pill?

It's going to be weighing the options. This gal with 3 kids, who can so easily get pregnant, and not on the pill, mid 30s getting tubes tied (phew) -- or still open to be pregnant (likeable option)? Given what market one like you will appeal to as far as more than casually dating -- I would say most guys aren't going to like the idea of prego-easy-no-pill with a gal who's got 3 kids already in her 30s.

The ideal is being on the pill steady & strong, and not looking To have kids, but could make it an option. You're not in that boat (but you could shop for different types of pills some more; who knows?). Thus, go with what is best not for a stat-sheet online, but the best when Actually dating 1-on-1. IMO, you'll get much more positive out of getting the tubes tied when you're already mid-30 + 3 kids and negating the pill.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 73
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/17/2018 12:07:15 PM
I never said I wasn't on birth control. I've been using the patch lately but I'm considering getting the shot. Not that I'm having sex right now but I want to be prepared in case. I just remember how much it sucked getting pregnant accidentally the first time. All the stats on long-term effects of birth control do freak me out though. Maybe I should go back to good ole Catholic birth control with the rhythm method.
 TheEvolutionOfJessi
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 74
view profile
History
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/18/2018 2:14:37 AM
"going back to good ole Catholic birth control... rhythm.."

and cue another surprise pregnancy....???
Ouch, I'm horrified... I recognise there's issues with the 'regular' methods... and sitting here watching I see you holding onto another child or two raising your brood to 5 or six...

I had a Uni pal... she was very churchy... but when I finally caught up with her after a period of no contact... she's finally sorted through her divorce, worked hard getting a University degree and had her first vacation away from her 7 children at age 57... her youngest was (at that time) 11years old... She says she went into marriage with one... and looked after her (then) husbands daughters... and bam, every year was popping out another baby... she said "Jess, I'm tired... I can't even work fulltime for the degree I've gained".... and their father doesn't even care.
but now she's hounding her firstborn boy to have children with his girlfriend... he doesn't want to...
He's had to help with all these siblings all his life.. and I can understand why he doesn't want children....

My father didn't want children... and I know my mother got pregnant (not just once, but 3 times) on purpose to try to make him step up and be a father and participate in their [dysfunctional] marriage.. this has not helped my self esteem - given much of the things I've discovered since their deaths...

July... some wise posters here have given lots of wise words... Fear Of Missing Out on a 'guy' because you have a viable womb - is that something you want to go into a relationship about??
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 75
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/18/2018 6:39:20 AM
I was not being serious about the rhythm method. I just wish birth control methods were a little easier. No method is 100% effective. The best way is tubal ligation but that takes surgery and recovery. And the iud implant costs $345, not covered by insurance. Then the pill, patch, and shot all can have major health effects. And the condom has its downsides too. Maybe I will just stick with abstinence for the next 20.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Fertility Matters