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 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 151
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Women Don't Know What They WantPage 7 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Original poster I had a similar date with a girl with alot of baggage and broke the cardinal rules of dating, talking about her ex, asking about my most recent ex and why she broke up with me. If someone is coming to a date with that kind of baggage I think they haven't been single for long enough to look at what they could improve upon themselves to become better people."

___________________________________

I've seen lots of women with this attitude. This comes from not getting over a previous relationship before trying to date again. They bring all that baggage with them and men, you have to leave them immediately. Dont try to save them, leave them. They are not over their past and wont be mentally healthy enough for a new relationship.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 152
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/21/2019 12:33:22 PM
OP this is^redundant-repetitive-addressed-advice- both men and women can have these qualities..NOT GENDER SPECIFIC! seems some have issues understanding we are a unionized aspect of humanity- not separate divisible entities! blessings "WAKE" address personal baggage to move past such assumptions...that prevent growth and solutions.. Division is not beneficial..
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 153
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/21/2019 2:31:36 PM
Yes, but we only experience this as a man or a woman . THe OP is a man dealing with women, so thats how the discussion will go. And women will talk about experiences dating men.
There is no need to be all PC and make sure everyone knows that both genders act the same way in dating... no need. We know. But people are speaking from their experiences.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 154
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/21/2019 3:12:34 PM

Yes, but we only experience this as a man or a woman . THe OP is a man dealing with women, so thats how the discussion will go.


That's considered "gender bashing", and it's against forum rules. The OP can talk about his experiences with a specific woman or women he dated, but he shouldn't make blanket statements about the entire female gender, i.e. "Women don't know what they want".
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 155
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/22/2019 1:58:41 AM

but he shouldn't make blanket statements about the entire female gender, i.e. "Women don't know what they want".

I agree. Bad choice of topic name -- because there Are people who believe it's women in general, and that's what the Topic clearly states (not just select females who haven't gotten over their ex). It's with both genders, and I don't have to be dating dudes to see that either. It's just a people thing when they're not over their ex OR not over bad dating situations, and believing they deserve the upper-hand where the other person has to cater to them & prove themselves (where they themselves really do not).

I do believe though, that females are more easily able to maintain this unfortunate position (usually without realizing it, as that's how people tend to be). It's not because they are female (both genders can be generally bitter/upset about the opp-sex) -- but because females in the dating scene are Already in position where things lean in their favor, as far as expectations go. I refer to dating scene in the early-phases; before you could/would be an 'item'. In this early phase, by default, it's expected to one degree or another, that the guy is going to do most of the Initiating/Chasing, picking out spots, paying at least most of the stuff, etc. Folks generally take this for granted -- because it is what it is. Problem though is, a gal not over an ex or her unfortunate dating situations that really hurt her, is apt to expect the volume cranked up on what generally leans in a gal's favor in the early dating phase. Not getting That will end up being frustrating, and further the disliking dating/men. I had a talk with a gal about this who was frustrated with men, and was explaining that her expectations on what "she deserves" was a little out in left field -- and that these guys she'd exchange #s with and initially go out with weren't her ex's frat brothers or anything... and that a guy initiating things and picking out a spot + paying the whole tab should be Actually appreciated, not expected on the level of saying "bless you" after someone sneezes.

But again, not to say guys can't be emotionally frustrated & selfish when it comes to the early dating phases. It's a people thing. But I can see how those who take the standard stuff of the dating scene for granted, could more easily have frustration continuing on even further.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 156
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/22/2019 6:49:28 AM
I agree, its not all women, but stereotypes exist for a reason, as certain groups of people are more susceptible to certain behaviours , beliefs and so on.

As for this discussion though, you can see some tell tale flags in women who are just dating thinking they will "win" and get over the ex, but in reality they are using their new dates to vent to and lay blame as a "typical man" who must be as crappy as her ex.

People, men and women, need to take time off of dating after a serious relationship breaks up. That is, if you're looking for something serious again. If not and you just want to date for fun then do it, but on the other side if you end up on a date with someone like that while you're looking for something serious, then you need to not ignore the signs that this person still has their baggage and is ready to drop it on your head.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 157
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/22/2019 10:20:12 AM

Perhaps you're rarely getting messages from men because they're turned off by the fact that you were crass enough to put a racial preference in your profile. You could be coming across as racist to certain people, including the white men you want to meet.


- it's normal to have a "type" or preference in dating. I don't get a bad vibe from her profile, it's okay.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 158
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/22/2019 10:28:06 AM

Division is not beneficial..


Millions of elementary school math students feel the same way.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 159
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Bias: incapable of objectivity
Posted: 1/22/2019 1:08:55 PM
^^ lol Fullmoon..or Algebra-history,economics, science etc-they can all be part of the current topic lol..
as heterosexuals dating we can only express our experience with the opposite, therefore it can't be generalized or more common for behaviors to be associated or occur within the opposite sex- (algebra, science- will help logical investigation; consequently, theorize intelligently)
- Yes T3 we only experience dating of those with different sex identity-certainly, we may see the behavior frequently in that different sex relative to self-. Yet unless we date the same sex, replicate our behavior consistently- we have no clue as to the more comparative common behaviors of men and women, in the dating sphere! We have only our experiences-the opposite gender responses- if you respond and behave in a way that causes a typical response- maybe a switch up of approach lol..
yet jumping on board and agreeing with a gross generalization of rationalizations for a stereotype of a specific group of people-WOMEN DON"T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT? is without logic is not rational, additionally, the current challenge globally to rise above such limited worldview...
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 160
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Bias: incapable of objectivity
Posted: 1/22/2019 2:53:01 PM

WOMEN DON"T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT? is without logic is not rational, additionally, the current challenge globally to rise above such limited worldview...


Providing examples of perspective is one way to create a practical discussion. But there are a lot of people that are simply nay-sayers that throw the most recent accusation back into the past posters' face instead of trying to understand it. It's the old 'Active Listening' drill. Learning to comprehend the other side takes a lot more than accusing them of some form of ignorance. I fully agree that a lot of people have a very limited world view, and there are also plenty of people online who feel arrogantly empowered to assume the worst because of their semi-anonymous status in discussion boards like these.

What I feel is the burning reason why this discussion board has legs - goes back to the basic assumption that men are primal and women are intellectual with their selections - and that assumption has been proven wrong before. Men probably will never be as complicated with their decision making process because we're not programmed to be --- but there are a LOT of constantly single women out there still clinging to complex and abstract reasons for their singlehood - that really refuse to try and simple it down.

The KISS principle is Keep It Simple, Stupid - but people would rather rant for pages on being offended about being allegedly 'Stupid' than do ANYthing about keeping it 'Simple'.

Knowing what we want - the struggle is more about NOT being able to cut it down in simple enough terms for others to understand. Or for ourselves to realize.

It's not about owning 100 pairs of shoes that is the problem --it's the refusal to get rid of many of them until there is no closet space left.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 161
Bias: incapable of objectivity
Posted: 1/22/2019 3:03:45 PM

I know EXACTLY who I am and what I want!!! That's why I rarely any messages. Seems like most are looking for someone young and dumb that they can take advantage of. Pfff! Glad I do much better IRL! This is just for entertainment now. ;(


Another example of delusion. I doubt you being a self-sufficient secure woman (how you wish to portray yourself) is the reason why your inbox is empty. Your profile is quite off-putting to be honest, partly due to your over-inflated ego.

Chronically single folks, especially online, love to fluff up their own feathers to so speak, blame the opposite sex & create grandiose reasons as to why they remain single.

It's all a way to mask insecurity & inadequate feelings about failure.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 162
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Bias: incapable of objectivity
Posted: 1/23/2019 3:11:26 AM
Yeah i totally get what your saying D,Maybe like being "offended" and ignorant to By/ why "anyone dating has little clue to what they want" over and over- then arrogantly asserting the validity of sharing the same perception.. After chewing on the same point coming back to it like all those pairs of shoes ,who lost their mate long ago sitting forlornly in a closet of opposites that don't attract, they do fit but we are unwilling to wear them.. Many people feel that way, it indeed offers security to group together with similar others?
ps.instead of asking others who have no clue either why the women you go out with have no clue to what they want-do some personal research see if you really want to change the outcome finding more assertive women- or are happy being f-in confused,..(this is for all of us women and men-be assertive of wants and desires-know personal needs-know personal boundaries where they are flexible- note i did not ay aggressive- nor be afraid to express- if our fear is real than we dodged a bullet yet, we won't know unless we express)
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 163
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/23/2019 7:50:00 AM

- it's normal to have a "type" or preference in dating. I don't get a bad vibe from her profile, it's okay.


It's not normal to mention a race preference in your profile. There was a recent thread on this very subject. It's considered bad form by the majority of people.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 164
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/23/2019 7:37:50 PM
^^^ Totally agree Whiterose - i did not read the profile of above poster- however, i did join the bandwagon in the other forum topic -it isn't appropriate and turns me way off! certainly one can do it, but limits interest- bigotry/discrimination "TURN OFF" many of the other physical demanded traits can kinda be a turn off too. even a willingness to date 15-20 yrs junior with top limit a yr or two below themselves, when they are close to my age or several year older- because i know i will never be 20 yrs younger again and if a one bats their eyes-responds to a message lol my prospective date will disappear-whereas a huge spread on both sides shows an open mind rather than scream creeper. lol
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 165
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/23/2019 8:35:59 PM

- it's normal to have a "type" or preference in dating. I don't get a bad vibe from her profile, it's okay.


I only saw that she had a preference for a taller white man since she's 5'11". I prefer to date black ladies and I've seen some that have "Black Men Only" in their headline. No big deal.

Everybody has their preferences. Not everybody is open to interracial dating.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 166
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/24/2019 7:47:57 AM

Everybody has their preferences. Not everybody is open to interracial dating.


That's true, but you're less likely to get negative feedback if you indicate in your profile that you're open to interracial dating, versus stating that you only want to date members of one race. If you're not open to interracial dating, I think it's better not to mention race at all.

I see siisaa is gone. I hope she returns.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 167
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/24/2019 7:24:03 PM

If you're not open to interracial dating, I think it's better not to mention race at all.


Everyone had preferences. Where the problem lies is in how many, or how much. People don't just want somebody O.K. - they want better than average.
What people fail to realize is the math involved in their choices.

It only takes a handful of criteria to whittle a thousand choices down to less than one - and the other side is doing the same thing - which means the chances of matching up are about as close to zero as you can get.

How many criteria can you tolerate in your match?
Try a basic 50/50 choice - which isn't even close to what some people actually prefer - but for the sake of the math...
1000/2 (1 preference) = 500
500/2 (2 preference) = 250
250/2 (3 choices) = 125 ---- 125/2 (fourth) = 62.5 ---- 62.5 (fifth) = 31.25 ---- (sixth) =15.625 --- seventh = 7.8125 --- eighth = 3.9
This can be ANY criteria - Height, Weight, Income, Kids or not, etc...
Some of those choices are not even close to 50/50 in reality - A truly 'Athletic' build is probably 10-12 percent, not 50 percent - so you gotta hack that choice by a factor of TEN instead of two. Choose a blonde or redhead, which is a rarer hair color, and divide by a bigger number as well.

What we deem as 'tolerable' or 'acceptable' in today's video game world is laughably superior to most human beings on the planet. Should we dump our preferences to compensate? No. We will always prefer what we prefer. What is truly sad - and ignorant - is blocking and forcing out anyone deemed 'inferior' without even a chance - because we ourselves are afraid to try something less than a Sure Thing.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 168
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/25/2019 6:27:40 PM
Very clear in here what woman want- an open minded equal..guess that criteria limits our potential/probability dates By What percentage Danimal?? lol
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 169
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/26/2019 9:49:37 AM
Well, methinks one of Akitahun's problems with responses is she's 5'11" and doesn't want a shorter guy...I went through this exercise with someone else here awhile back, and statistically the universe of choices of 6+' + men is fairly limiting. And even smaller when other rejectable variables are factored in. As in black men. And althought she doesn't mention "height with heels," if you add another coupla inches for "must be taller than me when I wear heels" factor, the set of choices is even more miniscule. People want what they want, but sometimes it makes for severe limitations for matches.

Akitahun wrote
No retired men.... I will be working forever and am not into retiree activities.
So I guess short, retired black men are totally out of the game.....LOL but I do get this one about "retiree activities". While I plan to work til I drop dead too (a major reason is to avoid retiree activities)..I still shudder at thinking bout "retiree activities." Ugh. Guess I gotta come to terms with that one pretty soon though lol. Bout the only thing that appeals to me, though, for retirement, is growing a long gray ponytail and white fu manchu, donning a do-rag, buying a giant motorcycle and cruisin'. Or maybe a boat and taking up the boating life. Fishing, maybe. Marina biker bars with Jimmy Buffet cover bands. Maybe I'm just thinking bout that because it is 0 degrees outside lol....But at this point, that's about all that interests me. All this other retiree stuff, RV travel, country clubs, bingo halls, Bridge, Denny's Early Bird specials, global travel with busloads of other whitehairs...no interest whatsoever.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 170
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/26/2019 5:45:53 PM
The reality of the height situation is unfair. Short guys have limited options and tall girls do as well. Short girls and tall guys have a much fairer chance. Even at 5'8.5 I kept getting interest from shorter guys and what bothered me most when I was trying dating is that I tried a couple times to overlook height in favour of other good characteristics but the guys in question who said they were 5'7, were even shorter than that. An inch and a half shorter I can do maybe but not more than that. And admittedly, its still really hard for me to ignore. I'm attracted to guys who are taller than me, I like to feel smaller than him and part of that has to do with the weight issue too. I'm a little overweight so I already feel big enough and being taller makes me even more self-conscious.

I've actually quit dating for a while. I've come to the conclusion that guys who are attracted to me I am not attracted too. Recently I met a great guy personality-wise. He was a bit older but personality-wise we matched but I realized I disliked kissing him and having sex with him. I felt bad about it but I realized the attraction was just not there for me and I couldn't force it. I felt really bad for telling him I just wasn't into him romantically. But after a year of dating I realized things hadn't changed in 15 years. I'm just not attractive enough for guys I'm attracted to and though I've attempted to date countless guys who I wasn't attracted too because I thought personality was enough and I could just become attracted over time, it just doesn't work. I guess I'm just too fussy. Except I don't even know if I am fussy. I think that easily I am attracted to 50% of men in my age range (28 to 42) but those guys just don't get interested, at least for relationship-purposes. I think many of the guys I'm attracted to would be okay sleeping with me but not dating me.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 171
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/27/2019 3:27:54 AM

makes me even more self-conscious

that's your choice, just as it's your choice to continually engage in negative self-talk.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 172
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/27/2019 4:34:01 AM

The reality of the height situation is unfair. Short guys have limited options and tall girls do as well. Short girls and tall guys have a much fairer chance. Even at 5'8.5 I kept getting interest from shorter guys and what bothered me most when I was trying dating is that I tried a couple times to overlook height in favour of other good characteristics but the guys in question who said they were 5'7, were even shorter than that. An inch and a half shorter I can do maybe but not more than that. And admittedly, its still really hard for me to ignore. I'm attracted to guys who are taller than me, I like to feel smaller than him and part of that has to do with the weight issue too. I'm a little overweight so I already feel big enough and being taller makes me even more self-conscious.


Needs further investigation. It has been my experience that women are much more forgiving of physical shortcomings than men would ever be. I doubt that I am 4'0" in my highest wheelchair but I still get my fair share of female attention.

What it comes down to is insecurity. If July met a short man who could make her feel secure in herself then she would chase after him like a dog after a moving car. What she is up against is that men in general can't get her to feel that way by the force of their personalities. Even tall men don't have what it takes but they at least have physical size to give her the illusion. Problem with size is that it only works for a while and it can be taken from him at any moment. Once upon a time, I was 5'11", 185 lbs. and well muscled. I went to bed one night and when I woke up it was gone. It can happen to anybody.

July says: "I tried a couple times to overlook height in favour of other good characteristics...". I'm not so sure. At the very least, she was looking for the wrong things. My guess is that she was trying to accept the qualities that her friends told her she should like and not what she really likes. Typically a woman in her situation will try to keep her mind open to a good natured, meek and reliable man that her friends recommend rather than an arrogant, aggressive and unpredictable man that would make her feel secure. For July, being a single mother compounds the problem. She doesn't dare get what she wants for the sake of the kids. Unfortunately, men with forceful personalities are seen as dangerous even though the serial killers and other assorted psychopaths are always the quiet ones. Go figure?

Bottom line is that if July ever meets a short man who can rid her of her insecurities then expect her to change her mind post haste.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 173
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/27/2019 4:47:56 AM

Recently I met a great guy personality-wise. He was a bit older but personality-wise we matched but I realized I disliked kissing him and having sex with him.


You disliked kissing him, but had sex with him anyway? *facepalm*


I guess I'm just too fussy.


Apparently, not that fussy...
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 174
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/27/2019 9:54:52 AM




It's not normal to mention a race preference in your profile. There was a recent thread on this very subject. It's considered bad form by the majority of people.


- after thinking about it, I think this is correct....one of the main things about making a good profile is not having anything negative in it......so even if I wouldn't object to it, some people would and that's enough to keep that kind of stuff out of your profile.

Instead, just talk to who you want to talk to.






The reality of the height situation is unfair. Short guys have limited options and tall girls do as well. Short girls and tall guys have a much fairer chance.



- I understand most women go for tall guys on the dating sites. However, I have a different view on women's heights........I have to cap off height that I'll date to women above 5'3" - I'm not going to break my back trying to bend down to kiss a short woman!

And I don't care how tall she is.......bring on the glamazon wimminz - I'll climb her like a tree!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 175
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/28/2019 2:42:19 AM

It's not normal to mention a race preference in your profile. There was a recent thread on this very subject. It's considered bad form by the majority of people.

But one shouldn't utilize that as objectively "par", and what isn't considered bad form by the majority of the people as always OK either. A 5'4" gal on her profile can write "I don't date short guys, sorry. No men under 6 foot," and although not looked upon as good form, it's unfortunately going to get much Less critique than a guy writing he prefers asian and caucasian women (among other things too), despite Match having that as a preference selection for everyone's profile. Point being: There are some things over-played, and some things under-played. The current snapshot of time of mass reactions isn't an Objective measuring stick as to how low or high it is on what should be the kosher-scale.

Akitahun's problems with responses is she's 5'11" and doesn't want a shorter guy...I went through this exercise with someone else here awhile back, and statistically the universe of choices of 6+' + men is fairly limiting.

Yeah, that's different. If a gal is 5'11" and she likes to be in heels, her guy options are limited if she wants a guy as tall as her in heels. IRL, women in general, especially tall women who wear heels, are less stringent on the height thing. It's a perfect example of how people (namely females) are more picky online VS IRL, beyond what they'll be fully aware of.

For the most part, IRL, it's the guy who's either notably taller than her standing side-by-side, or one of the taller guys in the room compared to other guys, that'll fit the mold (as long as he's not notably shorter than she).

People want what they want, but sometimes it makes for severe limitations for matches.

But their tastes will adjust -- maybe not for LTR tho -- when their options are limited. But for some, it doesn't. When a tall gal Complains that she can't find a guy who's as tall as her in her heels -- she needs to understand that she's got to learn not to wear heels and not mind a guy who's basically her height, or even a bit shorter but in good (non-thin) shape.

Bout the only thing that appeals to me, though, for retirement, is growing a long gray ponytail and white fu manchu, donning a do-rag, buying a giant motorcycle and cruisin'. Or maybe a boat and taking up the boating life.

I don't think I'd get bored with retirement. All it is, is, not having a full-time job due to being financially set not to need one. Vacations (without taking some trip somewhere) must drive folks nuts if retirement drives them nuts.
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