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 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 176
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Women Don't Know What They WantPage 8 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

People want what they want, but sometimes it makes for severe limitations for matches.


But their tastes will adjust -- maybe not for LTR tho -- when their options are limited. But for some, it doesn't.


When it comes to online matching, since guys are vastly more prolific at reaching out - women get 'action' at a far greater scale than men - so the motivation to change their preferences becomes far less. A lot of online sites have profiles that seem to be pretty much 'set it, and forget it' with very little changing over a very long time. They don't feel their options are 'limited' in any sense because there is always messages in their inbox. Why change it? It takes a much longer time for them to 'fail' enough to convince them to expand or change their preferences. For most guys, we need to change it up constantly, or at least appear to need to - because a lot of men have the 'options' of very few mediocre contacts, or none at all.

I think that is a very real problem. A lot of women have no clue that the online traffic for a lot of guys is non-existent - unless they work very hard at it, or lie enough to be convincing. A lot of guys feel the need to lie to women about their online volume -- because women are REALLY drawn to the idea that their guy is wanted by others, but they are considered more attractive than the competition. It's an absurd flip on the idea that guys like the 'chase' when it sure seems like women want a 'chased' guy even more.

People kind of assume that their online experiences are the same as everyone else, but it's like the difference between shooting a bullet, or throwing it.

People always prefer what they prefer - but assigning values on a website makes that preference a mechanical, un-emotional choice - and the software can't really allow for the variance our own eyes and hearts would allow for. Shuffling those check boxes around a bit can be a real eye-opener, but I'm afraid we have programmed ourselves to believe that ANY compromise or ANY variance in our 'ideal' goal equates to nothing less than total failure.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 177
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/29/2019 7:50:14 AM
well- i am a variable kind of person-so, my programming includes accepting the updates. lol, compromise the control conditions-much more educational and provides wisdom for living.. repeating duplications for consistent outcomes, Why?? lol..One experience...lifetime of learning!
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 178
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/29/2019 9:18:07 AM
NG wrote:
I don't think I'd get bored with retirement. All it is, is, not having a full-time job due to being financially set not to need one.
Well, technically true, but "retiree activities" may be a bit different from your point of view, cuz of your age. When I was in my 30's sure, early retirement, or retirement in general, sounded great because I envisioned just doing 30-something stuff, just MORE, maybe a LOT more. All 4 days of Lollapalooza!! Following the Greatful Dead!! But once you're in your late 50s-60s, it's different "free time" activities. And it ain't no Lollapalooza. And at this age, "the Dead," has a um, different context. Not to mention Jerry Garcia IS dead, so there goes that idea anyways.

I'd imagine Akitahun's idea of "retiree activities" that she wants to avoid, is a 60-something's idea of activities, vs. a 30 something's. And I don't blame her. I'd rather work, to be honest, at least part time. The big difference, of course, is working on MY terms, cuz at that point, hopefullly I don't really need to work, or really need the $$, thus Mr. Boss man doesn't have as much a testicular grip on me. Cause at ~60+, testicular grips aren't much fun, unless you're into that type of thing (literally). Um, I'm into neither.


Vacations (without taking some trip somewhere) must drive folks nuts
It's not a vacation if you're just sitting at home. You may be "on vacation," in a HR sense, i.e. getting paid not at work, but it isn't really a "vacation." It's getting paid for sitting at home. And @ ~60 something, a man who's owned andn maintained homes for decades, sitting at home means just more home chores and maintenance, which at some point in your life, you just get f'n sick of. Would rather work outside, a real job.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 179
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/29/2019 10:29:38 AM
real is subjective at any age-real man-real woman-real tired-real tears-real joy-real tragedy-real thought- real communication- anything?? Real vacation doing what we love! So outdoor work = Real_Vacation?? no?? and getting paid for it!! that is a trip i recommend for anyone!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 180
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/29/2019 11:44:37 AM

A lot of online sites have profiles that seem to be pretty much 'set it, and forget it' with very little changing over a very long time. They [women] don't feel their options are 'limited' in any sense because there is always messages in their inbox. Why change it?

In reference to a gal who's Tall and wants a guy in her heels or better -- she's not fully content getting messages filling up her inbox when the guy wouldn't be her height or better, when wearing heels. But yes, the large male:female ratio + guys being the proactive ones -- gals are in a much more comfortable position, comparatively (and not fully realized by many).

A lot of guys feel the need to lie to women about their online volume -- because women are REALLY drawn to the idea that their guy is wanted by others, but they are considered more attractive than the competition. It's an absurd flip on the idea that guys like the 'chase' when it sure seems like women want a 'chased' guy even more.

I think it's both. Women want a guy of value -- a wanted commodity. Even though one may not consciously Think about that, it does at least ante-up any existing attraction or potential attraction. But with women, I believe it tends to be stronger when the prospect is seen to be liked/wanted by others -- in much of the same sense that women are more competitive among each other than guys are among each other (but ymmv, of course).

Guys liking the 'chase' cums in two concepts:
(1) Guys like to 'chase' gals if 'chasing' means approaching them & mingling, getting a #, hitting them up, etc -- AND it Produces Tasty Results here and there. When it's going well, he is actually controlling his own destiny some. It's great. So this is 100% dependent on him actually having some success in approaching girls. Otherwise, it back fires.

(2) Guys have higher value for gals who aren't 'too easy'. Guys will have a higher value for a gal who he Ends Up getting, where he had to 'work' for it a bit AND 'gets' her, VS dropped on his doorstep on a silver platter. Now, he's obviously going to like it if a girl Is dropped on his doorstep. But a guy's going to have a higher value for a gal as a catch when he has to Catch her -- IF he catches her in the end without having to do some big run-around usually. But if he has to ride the line of playing the friend-zone, hit her up a lot to try and squeeze out a date, etc -- No, an Actual Chase to turn a not-so-interested gal into interested with little to no results, Backfires.

In the end, I think both genders have a greater value for someone who they at least feel they have to do something to 'get' them. A guy can turn the tables on a gal who has her emotional guard up due to guys flirting with them all the time, by coming across as if he's not that interested in her -- when he's in the spot where he's mingling with her and her friends. Why does that increase his value in said girl's eyes if there's a potential for some attraction in him underneath it all? Because he's not an easy catch. A fish has more value that doesn't jump in the boat, asking to be grilled. And it's the same vice-versa. But a guy's going to still be damn happy to grill up that fish that jumps in his boat out of nowhere, regardless.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 181
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/29/2019 11:56:44 AM

It's not a vacation if you're just sitting at home.

It's not retirement just because you're sitting at home.

I'd rather work, to be honest, at least part time. The big difference, of course, is working on MY terms, cuz at that point, hopefullly I don't really need to work, or really need the $$, thus Mr. Boss man doesn't have as much a testicular grip on me.

You can still be retired and Doing Stuff -- working part-time, or working for some organization for little or no money. Doing what you like. And most people work from home anyway, so then that line gets skewed. Retirement doesn't = boredom. It just means retired from the classic working world. Vacation doesn't = going on trips. It means you're off-duty from working altogether for a time being.

I understand, when one's older -- one tends to have less leeway on what they can do. Oh, I'm going to build an addition to my house! Oh wait, my joints. Crap. I get it. But folks 60+ take trips all the time. And do Stuff -- which a career can do too. When older, your options can be limited on what to do when you come home from work or are off work. But at the same time -- it's not hard to come up with something. Again, the only difference is you're not being paid not being at work (outside SS+benefits). Not being paid while not at work doesn't lead to boredom, unless one is in need of getting paid (don't retire).
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 182
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/29/2019 1:32:06 PM
Retirement. Three major things impact what retirement will be like for a person. Health, money and companionship.

If you have money but poor health you are physically limited in what you can do and where you can go.

If you have good health but no money, you can't afford to do anything or go anywhere.

If you have no companionship (close family or friends nearby) then at least in poor health or poor finances, you have people with to fulfill some emotional and social needs with.

I'm 35 so retirement is a long way off for me but I think about it sometimes. The reality is that if I stay single that I will never have the money to really enjoy retirement. It'll be difficult to accumulate significant savings because I won't ever have someone to split the bills with. In 5 years, the amount of money I make has actually gone down because cuts to the home care system have changed my shifts from 8 hours to 7 hours. At the same time, utilities bills (power, heating, water) have increased by 40% as has rent. When I moved back to Saskatchewan, it was still possible to find a place to rent for $600 but now $1000 a month is average. I just got into low-income housing and I have to pay $940 a month based on my income plus utilities. The government eliminated the housing subsidy this year and when the subsidy still existed, rent would have included utilities. So now rent plus utilities for me will be about $1300 per month. And then there's groceries to consider too. I remember a time maybe 5 years ago when it was possible for a family to survive on $600 in groceries per month. Now that number is more like $900 a month. And transportation including minivan payments, gas, insurance and maintenance is minimum $1400 a month.

I love my job but I consider changing careers a lot. I'm worried the government will privatize home care services in the future which means my job will be eliminated. It pays decently ($23 an hour) and it has good benefits but the cost of living with a family of 3 kids has almost surpassed it. In 3 years when I no longer need to pay for childcare, things will improve but what if in 3 years my job goes kaput? Changing jobs would require going back to school which means a whole extra set of costs. My goal is that once I no longer have to pay childcare, I can go back to school, I only need two more years to go back for my social work degree so that will put me in a better situation in my 40s hopefully...but what if I encounter health problems along the way? And what if all my kids grow up and move far far away?

My dad is 64 ad terminally ill. He hadn't been able to work in 2 years. He worked really hard all his life and made lots of money but 3 divorces set him far back each time. Now he has nothing and a bunch of credit card debt. My mom was actually doing well at age 48 when she got cancer but by the time she was in remission two years later she was drowning in debt which will take her a decade to get out of. I have an aunt though who had cancer but because she was married to someone with a good job, she didn't have to go into debt with her illness.

Sorry for the longwinded post but this talk of retirement just brings up all these worries I have for my future.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 183
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 1/29/2019 1:57:15 PM
If your current career (regardless of employer) has provided skill and experience in the field- lateral job change should be attainable- possibly, depending on skill and experience, offer better pay..
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 184
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/4/2019 8:53:48 AM

Perhaps you're rarely getting messages from men because they're turned off by the fact that you were crass enough to put a racial preference in your profile. You could be coming across as racist to certain people, including the white men you want to meet.

WhiteroseO - This comment from you is surprising to me. I think that Wakitahun is simply trying to ensure that she does not receive messages from those who are not caucasian because she prefers to date within her own race. Not racist in my opinion, but a preference. No different that expressing a preference for tall men.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 185
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/4/2019 10:54:50 AM

WhiteroseO - This comment from you is surprising to me. I think that Wakitahun is simply trying to ensure that she does not receive messages from those who are not caucasian because she prefers to date within her own race. Not racist in my opinion, but a preference. No different that expressing a preference for tall men.


Why is that surprising? I stand by my opinion that it's not good form to mention race in a profile. Bringing up race can be a very slippery slope and can often be politically charged. If she receives messages from those who are not Caucasian, all she has to do is not reply to them. And it's not just a preference - it's a requirement.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 186
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/4/2019 11:10:05 AM

No different that expressing a preference for tall men.

Actually, it is different. Unless you are a pygmy, tall isn't a race. As a practical matter, there are hordes of Caucasian men with SJW leanings. There is nothing that you could say or do to convince them that it isn't racist. On the upside, these SJW men are terribly unattractive, so them gasping and moving on to another profile is hardly any loss but that is another topic. It still probably isn't a good idea to include a racial preference because most attractive men don't allow women to have any preferences of any kind.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 187
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/4/2019 12:31:18 PM
Julystorm, these are things women need to think about.

Some may say it's gold digging but women are THE GUARDIAN OF THE EGG!

In the US, a woman who divorces a man after a lengthy marriage gets half of his pension.

And if it is a big fat juicy one, plus she collects Social Security at age 62 & up, so much the better.

I know a gal who was married & divorced 4X

3 out of the 4 marriages were at least 10 years long.

The 1st one DIED, so when she turned 60 she was eligible for a divorced widow's benefit through Social Security.

No scam, no entitlement, etc.

I bet there are many women out there who have no clue about their legal/financial rights (men as well) in regards to pensions, IRAs, Social Security, QDROS & DROS, marital property/assets, etc.

Another woman was awarded a part of her husband's pension in a divorce, she did not file the QDRO immediately & when he died as a newlywed to another woman 6 months later, the new b1tch (who was not the mother of his children) collected all :0(

People need to know certain things, especially when they have had a child w/ a person.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 188
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/4/2019 12:33:54 PM
Assuming SJW = Social Justice Warrior
Where is THAT toggle on a search engine? Do the women have a check box in their searches that guys do not?

Any preference people put into their profiles is done for BOTH their advantage, and their own detriment. You don't get one without the other.

Some people refuse to believe that specifying a race preference means they are racist - but it's NOT up to them to make the decision - it's the perception of the READER. Always has been, always will be. It really makes no difference what you want -- put in your profile spelling out 23-25 specifics that only one person in 23 million would match - if a guy or gal that isn't even a close match wants to contact you, they will still try. There are plenty of people out there who live their lives labeling people (like Social Justice Warriors) who really don't have the tolerance or patience to deal with in-between personalities - and being online, they don't HAVE to. We ALL play this game of perceived assumptions versus reality - but the people good at it are the partners who allow the real-life time to learn truth and manage to make it work.

The people jumping to conclusions and avoiding - they can't be proven wrong, because they never hang around long enough to find the whole story - and that kind of phony 'winning' streak goes to their head - like managing to get the most "Likes' on a Facebook post. It's a false comfort level.

My take on the subject is simply that patience has gone out the window, and people assume within minutes, if not seconds, if this person is a 'yes' or 'no'. People are planning to spend their long term lives by choosing someone with the same speed as a video game, and it can be a hilariously poor choice.

Whatever choices you make about your mate - whatever tolerances you set - you have to live with those choices. It only takes a handful of 50/50 choices to whittle a thousand people down to two or three. The math doesn't lie. The market will NEVER change to fit what you want - you have to change your own perception to make it work. The words you use are NEVER required to have the same meaning to someone else - but understanding that difference means everything.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 189
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/4/2019 2:29:17 PM
for myself-regardless of the ethnicity preferences-whether own or specifically outside own- i move on... i guess i am SJW
In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then (omg spelled wrong-too funny) 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.
Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 190
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Posted: 2/6/2019 8:02:03 AM

Any preference people put into their profiles is done for BOTH their advantage, and their own detriment. You don't get one without the other.

Exactly. The readers will make their own assumptions.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 191
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 8:44:47 AM

Some people refuse to believe that specifying a race preference means they are racist - but it's NOT up to them to make the decision - it's the perception of the READER. Always has been, always will be. It really makes no difference what you want


Right, so why take an unnecessary chance of offending others? It's just safer to leave a race specification out of the profile. Just don't reply to those you're not interested in.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 192
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 8:48:50 AM

Any preference people put into their profiles is done for BOTH their advantage, and their own detriment. You don't get one without the other.



Exactly. The readers will make their own assumptions.


- Maybe with preferences regarding race, but I would not bet on it. I have to back Rose here.

One of the first rules of profiles is not to write anything negative, or anything that could be construed as negative. Keep it light-hearted, funny, romantic, and positive. Stay away from serious and heavy talk, like sex, politics, and religion.

As an example, I see a lot of women's profiles that state, "No Players". Even though I'm not a player, I'm wondering if the woman is damaged goods...... so even though it does not apply to me, it's a turnoff. Most decent people want love, monogamy, and LTR's (oh yes they do!), so it's not necessary to state this.

So, I say don't write anything negative in the profile, or anything which could be interpreted as negative - for best results. Don't try to weed people out in your profile, it will just tend to turn the good ones away.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 193
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 10:11:18 AM

So, I say don't write anything negative in the profile, or anything which could be interpreted as negative - for best results. Don't try to weed people out in your profile, it will just tend to turn the good ones away.

This is very true. Negativity is date repellent - especially in online profiles. What bothers me about it - is that it is trending to people would rather have positivity over truth a LOT of the time. People get so cynical from their failures that it seems like anything less than a sycophantic compliment (Google it) is not 'Good enough' to convince them we are 'Good enough'.

I'm not wired for Sales - for kissing azz to the point of getting people to do what I want. So I am single a lot of the time. I work at a production job, not a commission job. And guys who are good Sales people convince women to pursue them constantly, despite a natural character of being an azzhat. Of the Five 'Love Languages', women are a lot more higher ranked for Words of Affirmation and Gifts - which means over-the-top flattery gets them nearly EVERY time. Of course, every woman believes themselves to be exceptional - and therefore the exception to the rule - but take the quiz once and prove it to yourself. Everyone ranks a bit differently - but I'm finding the hugely self-confident women I know are confident in the wrong thing. If you don't want to get baited down the wrong path again - you better do something to get to know yourself better.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 194
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 10:51:25 AM

As an example, I see a lot of women's profiles that state, "No Players". Even though I'm not a player, I'm wondering if the woman is damaged goods...... so even though it does not apply to me, it's a turnoff. Most decent people want love, monogamy, and LTR's (oh yes they do!), so it's not necessary to state this.

So, I say don't write anything negative in the profile, or anything which could be interpreted as negative - for best results. Don't try to weed people out in your profile, it will just tend to turn the good ones away.
I would agree. many profiles go on and on about no sex, no players, no losers, etc. and a huge turn off. while I totally get what their saying, I assume I am excluded. sex? did that in all my relationships. player? well I have had several relationships over the years. loser? I am a guy on p.o.f. so must be. if I choose to date within my race, age or weight class is my choice but posting any of that, regardless how well it was composed, will surely be taken as a negative by some.
 aroundthewaygirl
Joined: 12/19/2018
Msg: 195
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 1:16:40 PM
Writing something positive in a profile doesn't mean shit. I find that people who state that they are nice, open minded, don't judge etc. are usually bullshit. Some of the posters above claim to be those things but their comments from their forum history are the exact opposite of what they claim to be.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 196
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 1:25:10 PM
^^^ Most of the people from the dating side of the site don't even know about the forums. I doubt if anything said in here will have a negative impact on the posters using the site for dating purposes.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 197
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 1:28:11 PM
msg#193:
Of course, every woman believes themselves to be exceptional - and therefore the exception to the rule - but take the quiz once and prove it to yourself. Everyone ranks a bit differently - but I'm finding the hugely self-confident women I know are confident in the wrong thing. If you don't want to get baited down the wrong path again - you better do something to get to know yourself better.


Every human believes they are the exception to the rule. Surely 'I' won't get old and die we all think~ Pretty much till it smacks us in the face (or mirror)

I've read a bit of the 'Five Languages' book---mildly interesting, but really, taking a quiz to do (as you say)---'you better do something to get to know yourself better'----seems very condescending and simplistic. Apparently you think we women are very simple creatures.
Bless your heart~
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 198
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 2:05:43 PM
^^ A more revealing test IAT-Implicit Association Test- think it is an ongoing Harvard Test-been around for many years- recently added test "political figures".
Taking any of the available IA tests might actually reveal something about self one tries to hide.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 199
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Posted: 2/6/2019 2:13:19 PM

-seems very condescending and simplistic.

Guys can take the tests too. I have. But turning every statement back on men doesn't continue the discussion posted by the OP - all it does is disrupt it. If you have examples of men not knowing their love languages, that's a progression of the conversation. Smarmy comments like "Bless your heart" are no better than "Is NOT!" or name-calling.

Which bit of the "5 Love Languages" book did you read? There's about 11 of them out now, many for specialized groups like teens, singles and the military - not to mention the author Chapman has about 30 other self-help titles out there. My point is there's a ton of information out there, and most people have barely even attempted to study outside of a Facebook link or two. We spend most of our lives being told how to do things, not find it out for ourselves.

Recognizing good in others starts with realizing your own baggage/issues/goals/personality - but a ridiculous number of people out there still take to blaming others for their problems. Racism is not something inherited at birth -- it is taught. Nancy Pelosi and Donald Trump are personally hated on an almost elemental level by millions of people - and yet what they do or have done has little to nothing in our daily lives -- it's the institutions they represent, and the 'damage' done has developed over decades, not because of what they said in the news yesterday. We form these hatreds because we are TOLD to do so by the media and our peers and other external forces. Finding your buttons can't be done by any ONE single quiz in Facebook or Cosmo or 5 Love Languages - but is found by examining results from many and ALL of them.

We simply ARE NOT all above-average. That is for fictional places like Marvel movies and Lake Wobegon. Flipping the blame doesn't solve anything. When someone asks a question, "Why do you want to know that?" is not an answer, it's an interrogation. Admitting you don't want to reply is more truthful.


Apparently you think we women are very simple creatures.

No. Not in the least. But your are no SO complicated that you cannot be manipulated. That kind of over-confidence is a WEAKNESS. Guys may be visual creatures and turn into drooling idiots at the sight of a half-naked lady - but a guy doesn't even have to take off his clothes - all he has to do is speak the right words - say the right thing - and certain ladies go gooey. People snort-laugh out loud at the idea of a cologne that smells like dad's pipe tobacco or crayons or cinnamon rolls - until it works. That doesn't mean it works for EVERYone like the company trying to sell it, or the magazine sponsoring it is trying to force feed to you -- but to the right person, it is no joke. It is very real.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 200
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Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 2/6/2019 2:33:30 PM
TH OP- is indeed a bashing attempt- but we have entertained it-regardless of its agenda-
doesn't even have to take off his clothes?? So you think women find it a big effort to strut their physical appearance? AND HAVE to take off their clothes_ no it is easy just like spewing the right words.. every last one of us has the propensity to manipulate or be manipulated-a child cries!! hey they need something from that moment on "manipulation" begans- whether a child getting needs/wants or a parent responding(with whatever works) to stop the crying...
THERE IS NO BLAME!! TO DISTRIBUTE OR FLIP> AGAIN THE IAT can give rise to deeper understanding of what our own "associations are"
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