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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds      Home login  
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 drunkcat
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 26
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
ReverendSwine,

I absolutely agree. I think that people should not derive their sense of confidence, self esteem, self worth etc. from their body image. This can lead to the development of serious disorders ( bulimia and anorexia etc.) and body image issues. But, telling someone to be happy with their body if they're obese and very overweight is the wrong message. You can still love yourself, while recognizing that you have an issue and that you have to make dietary and lifestyle changes. For example, when we typically see someone that has very bad anorexia to the point where their pelvis is sticking out, cheeks sucked in , and rib cage exposed you don't hear people saying that that person should be happy with their body. People usually think that person needs help right away. So why is there a double standard for obesity? I think that since obesity has been surging in this country (U.S) it is increasingly becoming a social norm, so people are becoming normalized to it.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 27
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/18/2018 8:45:22 PM

OP to female friend: "You're fat. You're ugly. You're going to be dead by the time you're 50. No one wants to date you except as a desperate last resort as a one-time f*ck. You're crazy and have no self-discipline. And you don't care about your health or yourself."


LOL
So what advice do you think would be better? Lie to her so she keeps getting rejected? You don't have to say it in a mean way, you can truthful and diplomatic.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 28
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/18/2018 9:32:54 PM

I think that people should not derive their sense of confidence, self esteem, self worth etc. from their body image.

I think they should, in different ways. In one way, to compare it to my maximum potential. I should have lower confidence about myself if I'm well below what I could be. It doesn't mean I have to be uber-picky, but it's silly to think this is "dangerous" to do so because there are uber-picky people out there where self criticism backfires out of emotional instability.

My whole point is that one should be self-critical, and value themselves appropriately -- for better or for worse. Just as one shouldn't beat themselves down via over-criticism ("I'm worthless! I can never get what I want!"), one shouldn't inflate themselves up that's not fitting either ("Everyone's a winner! A shining star!"). Improve your weaknesses, keep your strengths polished, don't get obsessed about the small stuff, and accept your limitations (height, ethnicity, facial structure).
 drunkcat
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 29
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/18/2018 10:28:00 PM
norwegianguy456,

Thank you for your post, I absolutely agree. I honestly think you should receive a medal for your consistency, insight, and effort you put into giving the advice you give on these forums. By the way, I see that you're from fort wayne, I went to Purdue University for undergrad. I had a great experience there as far as college goes, but man can Indiana be pretty depressing and boring when it comes to living there.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 30
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/18/2018 11:26:14 PM
I would say nothing. She knows she's still overweight. If she was morbidly obese, there's a good chance she's messed up looking with no clothes. I see your age, so if she's also young, maybe her skin got sucked back in. If you've ever seen the show, "Botched", after lipo-ing someone that's overweight, they have extra skin they need cut off. If this is the case, she's got more problems than still being a little overweight. Women that have kids do return to normal. Fast weight loss from Lipo contributes to extra skin, so it may not apply to her.
 drunkcat
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 31
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 12:20:53 AM
Newyorker58,


Thank you for your post. I'm not going to say anything . It's actually funny that you bring up liposuction. Last summer, she actually went to the Dominican Republic to get a procedure done. After she lost a considerable amount of weight, she had a lot of lose hanging excess skin from her belly button area down to her lower belly area. She was also insecure about how her body does not distribute fat like a typical woman and that she wanted a bigger behind. She went to the Dominic republic to remove some of the fat in her belly area and put it into her behind and to fix her loose skin issue. I tried to advise her against going overseas for the surgery, since I'm naturally biased towards foreign healthcare and their capabilities. Apparently the surgeons here told her she would have to do it under two separate surgeries and the one in DR do it all in one surgical procedure. After getting the okay from her primary care doctor she went ahead and did it. But anyways, fixing loose skin is something understandable but the extent and risk that some women undergo to change their appearance is crazy.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 32
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 1:32:31 AM
I see the commercials for lipo in one day and think, that's not going to end well. Did she get the skin removed?

I have heard that fat doesn't go back on normally. It may not go back in the lipo area, but other areas. I could see a woman doing surgery to get rid of the skin. There's no other way to do it. A person loses all that weight, be it by Lipo or dieting, and then you still don't look good. She may have been better off with slower weight loss by doing one of those stomach surgeries, giving her skin time to retract like with pregnant women, but maybe not. Pregnant women may only gain up to 50 pounds.

I forgot about stretch marks. I would guess she has them too. I would think she feels insecure about getting naked. If she tells men about what she did for weightloss, that may turn them off. Is she attractive with a nice personality?

DR is a 3rd world country, not a place to go for cosmetic surgery.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 33
How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 3:03:31 AM

The last part just means men have slightly more hetero and homosexual sex than women do.
Aka men have sex more/like having sex more.


So who are men having more of this hetero sex with if not with women? It takes 2 to copulate, so for every heterosexual man having sex there has to be a heterosexual woman.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 34
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 8:06:06 AM
Mathematicians protest that this is logically impossible — it takes two people to have sex, after all, so the median number of partners should be the same for men and women.

Now here is the part where I refute the mathematical logical argument you guys propose. If the averaging fallacy were true, it would have enormous significance for evolution because it would mean that there could be no variance of reproductive success between the sexes: in other words, contrary to the actual case, males and females would averagely have the same number of offspring. This would mean little sexual dimorphism. Male humans have similar sexual dimorphism to the gorilla that has a harem of females.
To start, male and female chimps are highly promiscuous and sexual dimorphism represents this. The males have huge balls because they need loads of sperm to compete with that from other males. The females have huge female genital display due to competition. Gorillas; Males are highly promiscuous while females aren't. The males have small balls because the males have a harem (multiple) females and need little sperm due to lack of competition. The females have small genitals. In humans males have around 1.5x bigger balls than gorillas but not as big as chimp suggesting some other mate competition, but that they also have multiple females. Also huuge diks without a bone. The females have small genitals.

If men and women had the same amount of sex partners and same amount of offspring and reproductive success this sexual dimorphism would not occur. Sexual dimorphism suggests males are more promiscuous than women but that women also had choice and played a part in selecting males with larger diks.

Furthermore large representative studies provide support that men have more sexual partners than women.
In a study of 18,876 people 24.4% of men had more than 10 sexual partners compared to only 6.8% of women.
In a study of 11,000 people Men had on average 13 lifetime partners, while women had exactly half that.
28% of homosexual men had more than 1000 partners
83% of the homosexual men surveyed estimated they had had sex with 50 or more partners in their lifetime,
43% estimated they had sex with 500 or more partners. Bell and Weinberg p 308.
79% of homosexual men say over half of sex partners are strangers:
70% said that over half of their sexual partners were people with whom they had sex only once. Bell and Weinberg pp.308-309.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 35
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 9:46:40 AM

DR is a 3rd world country, not a place to go for cosmetic surgery.


But it's a place to go for beautiful ladies...
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 36
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 10:34:48 AM
That's a difficult topic to talk about and I don't know if it's a good idea coming from you. This girl used to be much more heavier and she would have had to do a lot of work to get where she is now. And realistically, even if she ever is able to get down to a better weight, I doubt it would stick because she's probably genetically inclined to gain weight easier and will likely gain back lost weight once she's in a relationship. So she needs a man who will accept her now as she is so he won't flake off if she gains weight. If this girl was obese, especially morbidly obese, I would say something because as hurtful as those words would be to hear, they might be enough to jumpstart someone to improve things for their own health, although optimally, the advice would be better coming from another woman.

I have struggled with my weight for many years. I've accepted that I will likely never be thin but I have been working at weight loss for the last year through gradual changes in diet and exercise and its been slowly working. Not easy though. I started at 237 in July/17 and I've gotten down to 209. That's 29 lbs which is a huge accomplishment for me which I'm proud of but I'm still aware that I'm very much overweight. My goal weight is 162 which I know would still be considered too heavy for some guys but if I ever achieve that I'll be ecstatic. I do realize that the dating pool is much smaller for bigger girls and instead of becoming complacent and just accepting it as a limit I can't change and accepting the line about being big and beautiful, I have found a lot of confidence and contentment in physical activity and eating well and I'm found the physical activity to be good for stress-relief. If you want to be a really good friend, without telling her she weighs too much, talk her into doing different types of physical activities with you such as hill-climbing, swimming, etc. Encourage physical activity, talking about the stress-relief aspects of it rather than the intent for weight-loss.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 37
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 11:52:07 AM
Reverend...

I wouldn't phrase it quite the way he did to the friend. There is a tactful way to do it.

Maybe, but Coma White didn't go near 'tactful'.
However, I'm wondering why the OP needs to speak at all.
This is a woman who is fat and has had surgery to alleviate (for lack of a better word) the problems she encounters by being fat.

Does he consider her so stupid that the judgment of 'guys don't like fat girls' - must flow from his lips like the pearls of wisdom he believes they are?
Do you believe him when he implies that she has no clue and he must be the one to tell her?


But I do agree with him. This "I'm happy and proud of being something I don't really *want* to be" facade is ridiculous and dangerous.

I detest that term 'BBW'. I've hated it for thirty years. Not because it is a facade (because it isn't)... fat people know we're fat - especially with all the people in our lives telling us so. We know it curtails our choices in so many ways and we know - usually first hand - how 'bad' it can be to be fat. People constantly telling us that 'all we have to do is stop eating dessert' and 'gosh, you've got a great personality; if you just lost a few pounds the guys would be lining up to date you'.... well, really, I'm 60, so they don't say that to me anymore.., but damn! they deserve a punch in the jaw for their stupidity. I think a lot of people use the BBW term in self-defense from these kinds of idiots the way that some people tend to avoid religious proselytizing.


I would never suggest someone not love themselves, but to cater to their delusion by letting them believe they don't have options? No. Not going to happen.

What kind of options? This woman had surgery - sounds like twice? Do you think she didn't try dieting and/or exercise first? Do you actually believe that surgery, with its expense and inherent dangers, was her FIRST option to lose weight.
Is he truly catering to her delusion? Does he follow her around murmuring 'you're so thin and svelte'? She was morbidly obese and she is currently thinner and more nutritional aware (according to OP). That doesn't sound delusional to me - she was at a place in her life where she wanted to change and did so.

Coma...

LOL
So what advice do you think would be better? Lie to her so she keeps getting rejected? You don't have to say it in a mean way, you can truthful and diplomatic.

Do you think his words will change the fact that she keeps getting rejected?
I think he should say nothing and if he is encouraging her in some way (i.e. 'those guys are stupid, you're a great person') then he needs to quit.
If she is asking for his opinion, then he needs to be truthful, diplomatic or not (i.e. 'I think they prefer women who are more weight/height proportional').
If she wants to date him, then he needs to say, "No, we will never be more than friends."

Why does he feel the need to tell her she's not a success at dating solely because she is fat?
Is she hoping to date him... that's how they originally met and he mouths the proper words of...
Personally, I'm not a superficial person I've dated women that all look very different from each other and have different body types.
... but doesn't want to date her and considers her weight to be the problem?
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 38
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 12:02:25 PM

The last part just means men have slightly more hetero and homosexual sex than women do.
Aka men have sex more/like having sex more.


So who are men having more of this hetero sex with if not with women? It takes 2 to copulate, so for every heterosexual man having sex there has to be a heterosexual woman.


Men and women both like having sex, however the social penalties for women have always been greater.

It is not terribly difficult for ten men to have sex with two women.
This means that 10% of the men have sex while only 2% of the women have sex.
Just usually not at the same time.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 39
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 12:44:39 PM
Most overweight people know they're overweight.
If you were a good friend, you could talk about it and tell her.
You're probably not the person to have the conversation with her
if you're uncomfortable and asking for advice on how to do it.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 40
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Wear Armour if You Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 1:11:47 PM
Coold, the women from DR look good to you? You expanding your horizons? I thought it was "only black chicks need apply" to date you?

July, congrats on that weight loss! My go-to diet is high protein, short-term, like the Atkins diet. Weight comes off fast that way. Or calorie restriction of what I typically eat, vegetarian, 1,200 calories a day. It's harder to lose weight when you have other problems and when you live in a household with other people eating food that's not on your diet, but you can do it!
 reverendswine
Joined: 4/14/2018
Msg: 41
Wear Armour if You Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 5:07:57 PM

What kind of options? This woman had surgery - sounds like twice? Do you think she didn't try dieting and/or exercise first? Do you actually believe that surgery, with its expense and inherent dangers, was her FIRST option to lose weight.
Is he truly catering to her delusion?


I was referring to overweight people in general, not the OP's friend specifically.


Not because it is a facade (because it isn't).


I used the word "facade" in reference to their feigning being happy with their bodies. We all know better and so do they. Reaching for actual solutions is much better than defense mechanisms.


the way that some people tend to avoid religious proselytizing.


Oh, not I. I love me some proselytizers. They taste great fried and dipped in Ranch dressing.


I have struggled with my weight for many years.


Eh, you know what? Your situation baffles me a bit. I think when you look in the mirror, you're seeing yourself as much bigger than you actually are. You don't *look* that big to me. In fact, I don't think you're *that* far from being able to compete with the best in your town. Just stop planting the "I know I will likely never" seeds of doubt already.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 42
Wear Armour if You Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 6:03:36 PM

Men and women both like having sex, however the social penalties for women have always been greater.

It is not terribly difficult for ten men to have sex with two women.
This means that 10% of the men have sex while only 2% of the women have sex.
Just usually not at the same time.


I don’t know if the social penalties are still greater for women. It’s also possible for 10 women to have sex with 2 men. There might be a biological reason why men don’t want a woman who sleeps around - in the past if the woman got pregnant it would be impossible to tell if the offspring was his.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 43
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/19/2018 10:33:20 PM

Do you think his words will change the fact that she keeps getting rejected?
I think he should say nothing and if he is encouraging her in some way (i.e. 'those guys are stupid, you're a great person') then he needs to quit.
If she is asking for his opinion, then he needs to be truthful, diplomatic or not (i.e. 'I think they prefer women who are more weight/height proportional').
If she wants to date him, then he needs to say, "No, we will never be more than friends."

Why does he feel the need to tell her she's not a success at dating solely because she is fat?
Is she hoping to date him... that's how they originally met and he mouths the proper words of...


Yes, it will absolutely change the fact that she keeps getting rejected. People underestimate the number of overweight people that don't get it. Anyone can lose weight, anyone can get in shape, and anyone can get ripped if they want to. When someone that's very overweight is interested in you, you can't help but wonder what other compulsive behaviours they have and how they got that way. My worst experience ever playing in a band was with a woman that got the weight loss surgery. Her emotional problems were off the scale, to coin a phrase. Maybe he feels the need to tell her so that she'll stop getting rejected.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 44
How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/20/2018 3:03:45 AM
How does a doctor tell an overweight person that they need to lose a few pounds?
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 45
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/20/2018 3:42:06 AM

But it's a place to go for beautiful ladies...


Yes, for a way out. A few will offer up their children to the paying 50+ year old, as well, if the price is right.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 46
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/20/2018 6:55:05 AM

Coold, the women from DR look good to you? You expanding your horizons? I thought it was "only black chicks need apply" to date you?


There are many beautiful dark skinned ladies in the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico. If they're brown, I'm down...




Yes, for a way out. A few will offer up their children to the paying 50+ year old, as well, if the price is right.


What the...?
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 47
How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/20/2018 7:07:11 AM
"only guys who have no options are into larger ladies"

>>>or they're turned on by jumbo racks. A slender woman with back-issue breasts is in very high demand for dates :)

If a woman goes abroad for weight reduction surgery...OBVIOUSLY she is aware of a problem. And about a million Americans per annum do surgery tourism...its cheaper, you can tour while recooperating and not have your friends notice (except they'll see the results, of course) and probably the doc working you, studied here. its not as "Far out there" as you think....or to put it another way....all the cool kids are doing it :)

"How do I pick a doctor or facility?
Start with the website of the Joint Commission International (JCI) — the global arm of the Joint Commission, the major accrediting agency for U.S. hospitals — which requires hospitals to meet high standards for safety and quality. (See "Assessing the Risks" on the next page.) Those with JCI accreditation — more than 660 worldwide — are usually larger and have better resources.Seek board-certified specialists who have successfully performed the procedure in question numerous times, and ask to talk with other American patients the physician has treated. Consider retaining a third-party medical-travel facilitator, who can make introductions, manage appointments and handle your travel plans. But beware: Some facilitators earn referral fees to get patients to certain hospitals. And facilitators should not be reading X-rays or giving medical advice, says Josef Woodman, CEO of Patients Beyond Borders, an online consumer resource for medical travel. After deciding on a destination and doctor, get the details of your agreement in writing, including the treatment, supplies, care and any extra amenities covered."

https://www.aarp.org/health/conditions-treatments/info-2014/medical-tourism-surgery-abroad.html

"How does a doctor tell an overweight person that they need to lose a few pounds?"

>>>by discussing the health benefits, which is why you go to a doctor. oh wait, that was a rhetorical question? :)

but back to giving a female advice....let's be honest, we know women with the personality the OP described, can talk an issue to death and yet not be looking for advice on how to solve it--they just want to talk it out. Yes, I know, women are from Venus, men are from Uranus level stuff.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 48
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/20/2018 7:41:53 AM
Brown isn't black and you said you only date black women.

DR does offer tourists their underage girls for sex for men on holiday that enjoy targeting these countries. It's disgusting, the predatory nature of so many men.

Mustang, men complain here, and make changes to themselves?
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 49
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/20/2018 8:02:08 AM
Some Dominicans have very dark skin. If you saw them on the street and you didn't know them, you might think they are African-Americans.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 50
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How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/20/2018 8:08:22 AM
I'm well aware Dominicans can have dark skin, but they're still not African.
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