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 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 51
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts? Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
My ex is my best friend. It can make guys I dated insecure though. Hence avoiding the ones that take issue with it.
 TomásIasan
Joined: 5/17/2018
Msg: 52
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/15/2018 11:39:02 PM
All about moving forward seems about right, except your focused on someone part of their life who was once part of their past relationships. They aren’t now which you can’t accept so why would they even believe you let go of your past? See your saying you can move on from your mistakes by ignoring it and you think it works, until it comes back around and bites you in your ass.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 53
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 12:41:30 AM
I could not give a damn. It’s theoretically possible I could have a lovely, civilized, mature and spiritual ltr that simply evolves into friendship. So, if it was the case we were only positive forces in each other’s lives and we wanted to stay in touch, ok fine.

But if it was that great, what are we breaking up for?

In reality, something hurtful took place or somebody feels resentment, or someone feels triggered by the others behavior or trust has broken, etc. and worse, or indifference has set in.

I think staying in touch as friends with uncomfortable feelings just to “ be nice” because one person wants to is counterproductive.

Also, I find it more normal to let people go and not be held back by a misguided need for comfort and not experiencing a void or transition, or feeling of loss. It might be unpleasant, but imo, better than stagnant situations.

Looking back on exes, the only ones I might be curious about were the short lived situations where there seemed to be a connection. Those, I wonder about. The others, they ran their course and weren't positive enough to justify the negative aspects.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 54
Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 3:15:03 AM
"but if it was great, what are we breaking up for?"

>>>you love their personality, but you don't lust for their body enough to do anything you can to have sex with them. You just don't "feel it". you aren't passionate about them, but still have platonic intimacy.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 55
Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 3:30:13 AM

Msg 51:
My ex is my best friend. It can make guys I dated insecure though. Hence avoiding the ones that take issue with it.


Does that mean you would date a guy whose best friend is his ex?
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 56
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 6:44:57 AM
"My ex is my best friend. It can make guys I dated insecure though. Hence avoiding the ones that take issue with it."

Are you sure you weed out the ones who take issue ? Or maybe they are weeding you out. Most men know not to date women who are friends with their ex. Best friends? We run from women like you.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 57
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 9:34:27 AM
Well I have a boyfriend and no he is not insecure about my ex. I don't mind if he is friends with an ex. He is friendly with her but doesn't see her in person and doesn't text frequently.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 58
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 9:56:52 AM
and sometimes....2 people can really like each other, but realize they have different life goals that don't make them a good romantic match...
I have many acquaintances ..but I am very picky about who I stay in constant contact with...I weed out drama quickly!
so....if I truly like engaging with a person....I will choose to stay apart of their lives.
 JGL209
Joined: 5/1/2018
Msg: 59
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 11:36:11 AM
TomásIasan, I'm focused on her inability to move forward. it's common sense. I don't keep my ex's around so I'm able to let go of my past. I like clean slates in new relationships, it's my preference and it works for me. No real reason to keep a person from a failed relationship around when there's no kids involved to prove anything. Why hang out with someone I dumped or who dumped me when I can hang out with my current girlfriend or a real friend? hmm
 JGL209
Joined: 5/1/2018
Msg: 60
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 11:38:40 AM

A Or maybe they are weeding you out. Most men know not to date women who are friends with their ex. Best friends? We run from women like you.


Definitely because it's a red flag. It has more to do with her and inability to let go of her past than her current boyfriend. Good thing most women do not keep an ex handy as a friend and move on in their romance life.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 61
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 5:54:28 PM
I wasn't actively hanging out with my ex-b that I lived with after we broke up when I was seeing someone new. We did go out to clubs together before we found other people.

We lived in the same bldg, and he helped me get a great apt there after we broke up. I would go to his apt and hang out with his gf when he was glued to the tv, watching sports. I watched his cat when they went on vaca, took them to and from the airport. My next 2 bfs, one ended up my husband, liked him, and they did things to help each other. I wouldn't force an ex on a current bf, but I'm also not discarding an ex that's a friend. The husband is gone, and guess who is still around, my ex-b that's my friend.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 62
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 6:00:24 PM
I understand why a boyfriend or lover would feel uncomfortable and even jealous that an ex of yours is your best friend. I think mature people can handle it and if there is no trust between you then better off not bothering.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 63
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 6:01:47 PM
I have dated a man who is friends with his ex. They have a child together and actually I am impressed that he maintains a friendly contact with her.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 64
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 7:00:59 PM

About three years ago, I ran into my ex in a Fresh Market after had been divorced for 18 years. We talked, joked, got along great, and exchanged numbers. She's a really good friend now. Nothing sexual.

I'm assuming you didn't have kids with her, and it was a gal you got married to early-in-life that didn't last terribly long. I can understand becoming friends by happen stance like you describe... but what made one or the other motion for # exchange? Missing, remembrance. Doesn't mean there's a motive to actually "go for" them or anything, although that definitely is a possible option that one of the two may have, even if it's too weird to follow-thru on it. For me, I wouldn't want a new GF to be close friends with an ex, especially if they have been single in doing so. It'd be silly to say that FWB definitely didn't happen, and it's not like they'd tell you that it did anyway.

For me, I understand, but at the same time -- one should expect in the dating scene by default, you keep your ex's at bay. In reference to your situation, I'd want/expect, if starting to date someone, to take a step back and just be IM/FB friends who'd chit-chat once in a while online, but keeping it more or less on that level. And that is what happens I think most of the time. Friendships get closer and looser and people's lives evolve, that being one of them. It's when they want to Keep It So Close when dating someone else -- it raises an eyebrow.

I can understand if there's children involved when it comes to picking up the kids or stopping by to see them, but outside of that there's no reasons for it in my book.

To be fair, if you have kids, there is a reason to have it be more than "I'm here to take the kids". You're still sharing an important part of your lives, after you have shared lives. Best to be more than Acting Civil -- but to aim to evolve being someone you do consider a friend. Not a close pal, not a BFF -- but someone who after a couple years post-divorce/LTR-breakup, who is. To be on the same level as, say, a friend of a friend from years past who you had a 1-nighter with out of the blue -- and she got fertilized. Where neither had a crush on one another, but can end up being friends. It'd make both you and the Ex's lives easier (including the kids') being on that level, down the line.

"but if it was great, what are we breaking up for?"

>>>you love their personality, but you don't lust for their body enough to do anything you can to have sex with them. You just don't "feel it". you aren't passionate about them, but still have platonic intimacy.

Ehhh, doesn't quite work that way. If the Relationship was great, but "I'm not feeling it", more than 9 times out of 10, it's a cause if not The underlying cause of issues between the two. There's stories of just about anything rare scenario (said over again makes it sound more common than it is) -- but let's be realistic. Rarely is this going to happen:

Bobby: Ya know Sally, we've been married for 15 years. You're great, we get along great.

Sally: I know, sweetie!

Bobby: But the last few months I've realized I'm not attracted to you at all. I think we should just be friends.

Sally: Wait, what? Why aren't you attracted to me? Just be friends?? We're Married, tho!

Bobby: You've gained a lot of weight over the years. At first, not a biggie, but that's become a part of you. And we've gotten older, as, well, have you (chuckle). I'm just not into you, and I'm attracted to other women, who, if I was single, would have a chance with. It's my calling. But honey, you're a Great Woman. Can we be friends?

Sally: Okay, sure!
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 65
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Posted: 7/16/2018 7:31:41 PM
Not after he said that, but it was pretty funny!
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 66
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 7:42:13 PM


Ehhh, doesn't quite work that way. If the Relationship was great, but "I'm not feeling it", more than 9 times out of 10, it's a cause if not The underlying cause of issues between the two. There's stories of just about anything rare scenario (said over again makes it sound more common than it is) -- but let's be realistic. Rarely is this going to happen:

Bobby: Ya know Sally, we've been married for 15 years. You're great, we get along great.

Sally: I know, sweetie!

Bobby: But the last few months I've realized I'm not attracted to you at all. I think we should just be friends.

Sally: Wait, what? Why aren't you attracted to me? Just be friends?? We're Married, tho!

Bobby: You've gained a lot of weight over the years. At first, not a biggie, but that's become a part of you. And we've gotten older, as, well, have you (chuckle). I'm just not into you, and I'm attracted to other women, who, if I was single, would have a chance with. It's my calling. But honey, you're a Great Woman. Can we be friends?

Sally: Okay, sure!


Haha. Yeah, of course it usually doesn't pan out that way. I didn't remain friends with my exes immediately after our break-up. Sometimes I'd need a "mourning period" where I got over them and then we could resume as friends. The exes who are my friends were guys I was already friends with before we began dating. We already had a foundation of friendship before becoming a couple....so even if we were no longer romantically linked, we could remain cool with each-other. With ex-boyfriends who were never anything more than a boyfriend, there was no reason to stay in each-other's lives.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 67
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Posted: 7/16/2018 8:46:24 PM
If there are children or deep family connections, cool. If you lived with them or dated them for a few years......................weird.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 68
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Posted: 7/17/2018 1:21:05 AM

Haha. Yeah, of course it usually doesn't pan out that way.

I know. But in my example, thing is, Bobby wouldn't have to be so blatant about it for it to Sting so much. IMO, Sally would feel/believe that he pretty much Did feel the way he expressed in that example, even if he tried to play the whole compassion talk and not saying things outright. After all, they got along great -- been together married (or serious LTR) with no fights, get along Great living together, etc. Why would they no longer be into them in-that-way? There is no such thing as a good breakup if one party is into the person a lot (let alone In Love for long-time), and the other is Clearly Not anymore.

Sometimes I'd need a "mourning period" where I got over them and then we could resume as friends.

I would assume that's The natural route, If they were to become Actual friends (not merely friendly acquaintances). Of course, this gets to the Definition of 'friends' -- which can vary widely. I think the (potential) devil's in the details.

The exes who are my friends were guys I was already friends with before we began dating.

Were you pretty much only friends (as opposed to acquaintances at the most) with them Before because there was mutual attraction, but you wanted to play the friends-first route? If so, I would say that should have no bearing. Same thing as if two people ignored the friends-first charade and went out on a date to kick things off.

I don't think there's anything wrong with an ex being someone you consider a friend and fits the generic "friend" definition. But IMO, when they're relatively close 1-on-1 friends -- that's a red flag. Burden is on them to prove to the other person that their situation's an exception with Zero potentiality for them to ever date on any level -- even if both single on a deserted island for 20 years. :)

And if the two were pretty close 1-on-1 friends prior to being a Serious Item... I think they should expect Not to be, indefinitely post-breakup. I think becoming an Item has it's price: If we become a serious item, no, we can't be close 1-on-1 friends again, in the foreseeable future afterward. After all, when we were pretty close 1-on-1 friends, we told people NO, we're not a couple, we're not into each other in-that-way -- but we were wrong. Thus, we can't expect to tell the ones we're dating that. We have to keep our distance, which happens naturally for people anyway -- and at most be social-group friends, and not ride off in the sunset with a 1-on-1 friendship bond.
 Manofsubstance1970
Joined: 7/8/2017
Msg: 69
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 5:04:11 AM
"If u had children with an exe, then obviously it would be the best thing to try to be friends with them, for the sake of your children" If u had no children with your exe n did not work with ur exe, then why would u want them in ur life? How cud u move on to another romantic relationship, if u still had ur exe in ur life? I know I cud not do, but I don't have children, so it's easy for me to keep on walking n never look back"
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 70
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 7:00:21 AM
If you have kids with an ex you dont need to be friends with them , but you do need to be civil with them.

Your partner should be your best friend. If you dont think you can go to them and tell them anything and instead need to go to someone else, then your relationship isnt solid.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 71
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 8:17:36 AM
Guys that have an issue with my friendship with my ex are were way too insecure for me to date. My boyfriend understands that my friendship with my ex is important to me so he doesn't try to sabotage it.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 72
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 8:22:29 AM
Spin it however you want. Men know that women who want to remain friends with an ex are walking red flags.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 73
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 8:44:17 AM
Its only a red flag because it makes men insecure lol. Brings out that internal insecurity. Guys that have an issue with that have an issue with everything. My dad literally has more of an issue with my friendship with my ex than my actual boyfriend. Its so annoying and cringy
 Manofsubstance1970
Joined: 7/8/2017
Msg: 74
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 9:01:13 AM
^ It would depend on how much time u spent with ur exe alone n weather or not u were opened about all ur communications with ur exe, u have a sexual history with ur exe n something cud ignite the flame again, so I can understand why a guy wud be put off by that"

"Has ur boyfriend got any exes he is friends with?"
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 75
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 9:18:04 AM
The exes who are my friends I've known for at least 5 years. I'm not going to cut off established friends for some new guy I'm just dating. That being said, I'm not going to spend a whole lotta time with my ex out of respect for this new relationship I'm trying to cultivate. If these exes are truly your friends, they'll understand why you're not going to be spending copious amounts of time with them anymore. I'd do the same. When my ex got a new girlfriend, we didn't see or speak to each-other nearly as often as we did when we were both single. It went from once a week to once every few months.
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