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 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 76
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts? Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
"Its only a red flag because it makes men insecure lol. Brings out that internal insecurity. Guys that have an issue with that have an issue with everything. My dad literally has more of an issue with my friendship with my ex than my actual boyfriend. Its so annoying and cringy"

No, its not a red flag because it makes a man insecure, its a red flag because you turn to other men for certain emotional needs .

You have history and inside jokes with this person and someone else is trying to develop a new relationship with you. You arent focused on that one relationship when you have the old one your holding on to.

If your current boyfriend doesnt mind, then its more than likely its because he has his own female friend that he needs to devote time to as well and/ or he isnt as into you as he says.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 77
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 9:34:26 AM
Nah he has loads of friends.
Inside jokes? what?
Being friends with an ex doesn't mean I'm holding onto the old "relationship" we had, what a ridiculous assertion.
Yet again, internal insecurities and jealousy as well.
We all turn to our friends for emotional needs heavens sake. The insecurities
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 78
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/17/2018 9:46:44 AM


If you have kids with an ex you dont need to be friends with them , but you do need to be civil with them.
Your partner should be your best friend. If you dont think you can go to them and tell them anything and instead need to go to someone else, then your relationship isnt solid.Your partner should be your best friend. If you dont think you can go to them and tell them anything and instead need to go to someone else, then your relationship isnt solid.

They were referencing an ex, not a current "partner". I agree that an S.O. that one would consider their "partner" would equate to being BFFs, otherwise they're misusing the term "partner". Although many BF/GFs don't refer to them that way, as they haven't meshed lives (yet?) but their relationship could be pretty solid where it is. But if they were partners in life, but aren't anymore -- yeah, I agree, not solid anymore. Or grew apart and solid in it's own odd way -- just not as in-depth (small minority).

Guys that have an issue with my friendship with my ex are were way too insecure for me to date.

Technically, it could be in Either direction. The new BF could be the insecure one, or the GF could be the insecure one. If her ex turns out is clearly gay, yeah, the new BF would be pretty insecure that she's relatively close friends with him. Or more commonly, if she's Facebook friends with an ex from a long time ago, will have a once in a great while chat with him (as well as many others) via IM, and considers him 'a friend' like a zillion others -- yeah, you could say the new BF is jealous/insecure if he's riled up about merely that. But...

My boyfriend understands that my friendship with my ex is important to me so he doesn't try to sabotage it.

... this would be insecurity on the new GF's end. If she's Good friends with her ex and being good friends with her Ex, who she shares no kids with is "very important to her" -- she's got some insecurities letting go of that closeness. If her new BF is serious about her, he'd be the insecure one to let that to continue to blossom when he's with her.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 79
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/18/2018 6:32:46 AM
No one ditches their friends to date or have a relationship hence unreasonable to expect I'd ditch my friend as well.
So they can either accept it or leave.
In the past when men I dated tried to question my friendship with my ex or tried to "ban" it, I waved them goodbye lol.
 OKgeo
Joined: 5/22/2018
Msg: 80
Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/19/2018 5:54:35 PM
I don't talk with my exes, but I don't have but a few anyway. My son's dad, I am in a constant power struggle with and it's exhausting but I wish him the best, always. Because I love my son and that's just who I am, and as an adult, it's really nobodies business. If a man can't see how I choose to live right and deal with all people respectfully if possible, then oh well, let that person grow more on their own.
 OKgeo
Joined: 5/22/2018
Msg: 81
Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/19/2018 6:01:40 PM
I don't talk with my exes, but I don't have but a few anyway. My son's dad, I am in a constant power struggle with and it's exhausting but I wish him the best, always. Because I love my son and that's just who I am, and as an adult, it's really nobodies business. If a man can't see how I choose to live right and deal with all people respectfully if possible, then oh well, let that person grow more on their own.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 82
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/19/2018 7:03:18 PM
I like to PART friends with my exes.

Keeping it Friendly is good. But the key word here is PART.

If I am dating a man who has remained friends with an ex gf, I am cool with it -- as long as he can introduce me, include me in their friendship, and be up front about it. If he has something to hide, its because he is hiding something.

If the ex lady friend can be polite to me, and there's no "triangulation" then, fine.

If it's just online friends that's even better.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 83
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/19/2018 7:56:48 PM
My ex's gf would invite me to hang out in his apt with her (I lived downstairs on another floor), while he was in another room watching sports on tv (a large screen tv I bought him while we were together). She met my current bf at the time. I liked his gf and we got along well.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 84
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/19/2018 9:05:15 PM
To be honest I don't try to maintain a close intimate friendship with an ex unless I still want to have sex with him. That's brutal honesty. In fact the only reason I really want to be friends with him in the first place is because I thought he was hot and the sex was explosive. If that is not in the cards I cut off all ties. I don't torture my self with the what if's hanging around waiting for nothing.
I have a lot of male friends already, male cousins, son in law, their friends, male friends that are married to my best of friends. Friends of family, friends in social circles, friends in fellowship, male friends at church, male friends from high school. Male friends of my daughters, male friends in my neighborhood, male friends... lots of them. I don't need any "male friends"
If I am still trying to contact an ex... it's because I want to **** his brains out. There I confessed.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 85
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/20/2018 4:43:55 AM
msg#84 PennyAnte:
Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Message: To be honest I don't try to maintain a close intimate friendship with an ex unless I still want to have sex with him. That's brutal honesty. In fact the only reason I really want to be friends with him in the first place is because I thought he was hot and the sex was explosive. If that is not in the cards I cut off all ties. I don't torture my self with the what if's hanging around waiting for nothing.


+1

Well put PennyAnte.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 86
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/20/2018 1:55:41 PM
In the past when men I dated tried to question my friendship with my ex or tried to "ban" it, I waved them goodbye lol.

Showing that you cared for your ex more which is reason to not date women who are friends with their ex. Sometimes , like in your care you care too much about your ex and put him over your current relationship.

Thats why thats a red flag to any decent guy
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 87
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/20/2018 2:59:39 PM

No one ditches their friends to date or have a relationship hence unreasonable to expect I'd ditch my friend as well.

When you're dating someone, you're expected to ditch your EXs. It's the default, for good reason. It's not that You'd be expected to go out of your way for the guy you started Dating, but you'd be expecting Him to go out of His way for you, assuming no special circumstances applied ("He's gay" or "We dated back in 10th grade, he's married, and I'm also close friends with his wife").

To be honest I don't try to maintain a close intimate friendship with an ex unless I still want to have sex with him. That's brutal honesty. In fact the only reason I really want to be friends with him in the first place is because I thought he was hot and the sex was explosive.

Although not necessarily Exactly that -- I agree that one should assume that the reason they wanted to maintain a close friendship with their EX again is due to sexual attraction, even if they don't admit it to themselves or likely wouldn't have the nerve to follow-thru on it. When you're the "new person" they're now dating, you don't know where it's at now between them (been FWB? one emotionally chasing the other?) -- and it'd be 100% foolish they'd tell you the truth if there was something going on or potentially going on, no matter who they are.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 88
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/20/2018 3:33:53 PM
Not all women want to screw their ex's....
no matter how good the sex was.

This is what I said to one man that tried to tell I couldn't be friendly with an ex..
"If I wanted to be with him....I would be with him and not you - He is an ex for a reason - and he is a friend for a reason.
If you can't trust me around him....then you can't trust me around any man - and I don't need that kind of insecurity in my life"

Unless that man, or me, gives you a reason to believe there is more to the friendship....take my word for it and trust me.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 89
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/20/2018 3:48:53 PM

This is what I said to one man that tried to tell I couldn't be friendly with an ex..
"If I wanted to be with him....I would be with him and not you - He is an ex for a reason - and he is a friend for a reason.
If you can't trust me around him....then you can't trust me around any man - and I don't need that kind of insecurity in my life"


I think that's an excellent comeback. That man sounded like a control-freak. I could foresee him resenting you for talking to any man. I would probably not confront such a man in the same way you did, but I'd definitely stop seeing him.
 Tom├ísIasan
Joined: 5/17/2018
Msg: 90
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/21/2018 12:34:13 PM
Don't know why anyone would feel a opposite gender friend who is there is not as much a threat to your relationship as the one who is not. People have made claims on they can't be around people they have feelings for already, they wouldn't remain in the situation if there was feelings or their a sucker for punishment. Put that into a real perspect the threat isn't the one there as you are with your g/f and you come across say that one you love she sees the way you look at her that relationship your in is now over. There is a reason you look at that lady the way your g/f wants you to look at her she knows the difference in the looks instantly, what are you going to deny it too? She is not stupid by any accounts and knows that's the look she is seeking going to someone else. That is a true threat behaviour and looking around the one who isn't in your life there are reasons for it you have feelings for them.

Yes I know how dangerous to a relationship "true love" can be and the feeling is unlike any other in your life. You spend the rest of your life even just trying to get a fraction of what you had. Sex it is just meh not great but not unbearable, relationships if their not selflessness and respectful in every sense of the word you have better things to do with your life. You give it all freely and unconditionally and expect the same in return well they don't and the ladies tell you they can't plain and simple. That is too much of an expectation to ask of them selflessness is not in people's agenda until they have had a relationship on it and after that it's all they crave.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 91
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/21/2018 2:01:36 PM

This is what I said to one man that tried to tell I couldn't be friendly with an ex..

Being merely friendly with an ex should have no problems. It'd take an overly-jealous BF or new guy for that to happen. Of course, sometimes one sees it "What, I'm just friendly with him. You expect me to treat him like sh!t?" while the other sees it as being close friends. The jealous type will assume being friendly when running into them in social circles from time to time = being close friends or something.

"If I wanted to be with him....I would be with him and not you - He is an ex for a reason - and he is a friend for a reason. If you can't trust me around him....then you can't trust me around any man - and I don't need that kind of insecurity in my life"

To be fair, it is Not the case that "If I wanted to be with her, I would be with her and not you." That argument won't work with a new gal I'd be starting to see if I was relatively close friends with a recent ex. Many people don't want to be in a Relationship with their ex again, but will be FWB, and ditch the benefits (knock on wood) when starting to date someone else. Or still have a liking still, as that's why they're At Least still relatively close friends for a reason... and things "happen" when "friends", and that It's Quite common. I've been there several times. And have been the "3rd wheel" a few times, too. It's not a rarity.

People have made claims on they can't be around people they have feelings for already, they wouldn't remain in the situation if there was feelings or their a sucker for punishment.

Yes, but much of the time they Are going to be around someone they have feelings for when the other person isn't that into them. That chance. That possibility. It happens all the time with "the guy friend" of a gal you start talking to. Much like looking across the room at a girl in a way that your GF in a blah-relationship wants you to look at her -- that "guy friend" you'll notice the same about the gal you just started hanging out with. Doesn't mean all males who they consider a friend are like that of course. But if he's hanging around all the time -- it is common you'll find that type of guy.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 92
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/21/2018 2:43:36 PM
Ya know....it made me think...
I've never had sex with an ex!!
And I never harbored any left over feelings of still wanting a relationship with them either...
I'm a "when it's done...it's done" type of girl.
Other than my ex-husband, never really had a man do something so horrible I didn't want to stay friendly with them...
and I actually have never been in a relationship that started as strangers....it has always been a man that I had met through mutual friends and we were friendly to start with...so once the relationship was over....it was just natural to stay friends.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 93
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/21/2018 3:06:11 PM

Ya know....it made me think...
I've never had sex with an ex!!

You sure about that? It's only 1 letter off! ;) In all seriousness though, for those who have had their fair share of relationships (not-so-serious or serious) -- you're in the minority. It'd be silly to assume one's going to sleep with all of their ex's, but it'd also be silly to assume one's never going to have sex with an ex if they have been friends with many of them for a while after... although both Can be true. I'm just talking about the outsider's default assumption. Hence, raising an eyebrow if being relatively close friends with an Ex and still Wanting to be, even after starting to date someone (where normally people let the friendship-level with Exs taper off if it was a little close).

I'm a "when it's done...it's done" type of girl.I'm a "when it's done...it's done" type of girl.

Yes, but the new guy isn't going to know that. Like other attributes about a new guy or gal one's dating -- it's Vegas odds they're playing. When the odds are pretty solid in one direction that's in the negative -- and you wouldn't be able to Truly figure it out in a short order of time, you're 100% in the norm to step away from becoming an item with them.

Example: Someone who's Separated + it'd be a long time until divorce would be signed. I couldn't blame a girl or guy who's starting to date said person to not want to anymore when finding out -- or say "I don't want to get serious and become an item due to your situation." The Separated person can make the Legit claim that they're 100% OVER everything, not affected, etc. -- but the other person doesn't Know that. Plenty of people feel they're 100% Over their later-to-be-official-Ex, when they're Not. Doesn't mean hooking up with them is required for a situation one doesn't want to get into with them. It's just a wise move to step away from anything serious, if playing the odds with someone new.

Other than my ex-husband, never really had a man do something so horrible I didn't want to stay friendly with them...

Well, there's a big difference between staying friendly with someone (even ones ya Don't like) -- and being relatively close friends with someone.

I actually have never been in a relationship that started as strangers....it has always been a man that I had met through mutual friends and we were friendly to start with

Technically, one's not in a Relationship that Started as strangers, as if it was an arranged Relationship (like marriage). So yeah, you're not strangers before you start going steady -- otherwise, that'd be weird. But I think I get what you're saying: You never went out on a Date with someone (that turned into a Relationship), that you didn't already know decently well, prior to flirting/asking-out that kicked off the 1st Date.
 ItCouldBeNice2
Joined: 4/5/2018
Msg: 94
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/22/2018 8:21:04 PM
In some circumstances people SHOULD stay away from their exes because the relationship dynamics don't work... that's why the relationship failed. I think if both people are emotionally mature and healthy, it's not as difficult to remain friends even after the relationship has ended.
 bearcat44
Joined: 10/24/2014
Msg: 95
Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 10/19/2018 5:21:47 PM
Time to WAKE UP:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVXdxaaRiAU&t=87s


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pPGijYBaVE



















Time to WAKE UP:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVXdxaaRiAU&t=87s


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pPGijYBaVE
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 96
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 11/8/2018 5:44:36 PM
Some people can and some can't. I can't do it. I don't hate him. I wish him...and her the very best, but that's all I can do.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 97
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 11/9/2018 12:48:11 AM
I can remain friends with an ex (I have w/ 2) but when either myself or they start dating someone new, we don't have as much contact as we did when we were both completely single. We distance our contact out of respect for the new relationships either myself or he is trying to cultivate. If a person is truly my friend, I want them to be happy and that includes an ex, even if he's happier without me as a romantic partner.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 98
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 11/9/2018 12:19:19 PM

I wish him...and her the very best, but that's all I can do

Do you Really WISH them both the very best together (happy wave), on the inside? :)

but when either myself or they start dating someone new, we don't have as much contact as we did when we were both completely single. We distance our contact out of respect for the new relationships either myself or he is trying to cultivate.

I think that's the natural flow of things. But when one of them starts Dating someone -- it naturally becomes more like a friend who lives in another city across state.

I equate the still close friends with an ex when Dating someone to another scenario: When you know of someone (usually female) who has an opp-sex friend where anyone in the room can sense they Like them, but they're the only ones who don't. "Oh, come on, we're just friends! Just because a [guy] is a friend, doesn't mean he wants to sleep with me!" No, it doesn't. But many times, it's pretty clear that opp-sex friend of theirs had Liking as a motivating factor to become friends, even if they'd feel uncomfortable making a move in the present time.

One's free to be in any situation with someone else, even if there's writing on the wall that everyone sorta sees and they deny. But when Dating someone -- you ditch those, including your ex's as people you hang out with closely.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 99
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Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 11/10/2018 7:41:14 AM
i've had some ex's--when young, that age where too many women end up picking up the hobbies of their bfs and shaping their lives around what he does, and when the relationship is over, they never do those things or appear at those groups or social gatherings again--who moved off naturally, b/c their purpose in dating was to make the man almost a center of their universe.
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