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 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 26
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What dating mode are you in?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I wish there were online sites to find female friends like there is for online dating.

Check out friendfinder. NOT adult+friendfinder, but just friendfinder. :) On friendfinder you can find dating prospects thru it when you aim for the opp-sex, but you can chit-chat with the same sex ("I see you go to [Bobs Bar & Arcade]. I've always wanted to go there. Is that fun?").

As far as the 8-list: Depends on the girl. That's how it pretty much is for everyone. If one's 100% Single and in the "mode" to be dating for a LTR to produce children + marriage, they're sort of Desperate. They're putting the cart before the horse, feelings-wise.

I would instead say "One with LTR Potential". Having kids shouldn't be a "dating mode" like just wanting hookups, or wanting casual dating or wanting something with LTR potential... that's just IF I get into an LTR with someone, and if it lasts for a while, I will want to get married & have kids. Having kids is just a motivator to avoid casual relationships and focus on the LTRs, to avoid distraction (biological clock only ticks so long!).

3) dating for fun but not necessarily longterm relationships
4) dating just for sex

I'm in #3, although it will be called #4 if the gal is more into me than I'm into her. :) Dating for fun pretty much = dating for sex. If you're dating for fun, sexual relations is your main underlying motivator.
What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/21/2018 3:06:08 PM

I highly suggest you start putting yourself into situations that you can make a girlfriend....
at this point....IMO....that is far more important than a boyfriend.

This is good advice. One of my younger extended family members was dealing with the same thing. All her friends were getting married and having kids. She put an add on Kijiji looking for friends. She met a few nice women and they have an ongoing friendship. Sometimes it might seem like you are the only one in the world dealing with these things, not always true.
 lulz567
Joined: 7/6/2018
Msg: 28
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/21/2018 6:24:47 PM
you're dating for fun, sexual relations is your main underlying motivator.

For you, I date for fun and sex doesn’t even come into it. Dating for fun can mean going on outings, Sporting events, socialising in groups. Doesn’t just mean getting body intimate.
 TheEvolutionOfJessi
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 29
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/21/2018 8:27:45 PM
I like to think I've been rather fluid over the years that I've been on PoF...

started out with intent of Mode 2 with intent of maybe living with someone... but eventually figured I only wanted non-cohabitation... (today is my divorce anniversary and I take that day seriously)

then I thought I'd explore Mode 3 - with not long term but just 'see how long we do go'... life changes etc... I felt so many blokes wanted to get into an insta-posession... kinda freaked me...

Now that I've been out of dating for a long time, and presently studying as well as teaching... my time is are taken up and I have no real time to date for 'serious'... I recognise I'm moving cross country again in a couple of years... so I'm realistically looking at Mode 6 - platonic friendships to take 'offline'... and Mode 9 - bloody comfortable with myself... because (generally) the blokes settled here in the 'heat' are not likely to want to move to the 'cold'...

Mostly I've secured Mode 13 with loads of laughs....
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 30
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/21/2018 9:01:07 PM
I came to POF with intent 2a. But 5 yrs of dating beat that right out of me.

Been in #10 mode for more than 5 yrs now. Every so often I miss having a close male companion but then I realize I'm in #9 mode.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 31
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 7:12:07 AM
23
I think another thing that really bugs me is seeing my ex with a girlfriend, them living together and having a home together.

You left out the word "happy." At some point you were happy with him and eventually discovered he was someone you wished would die. Do you think his personality has changed and he treats this girlfriend like gold? Of course he is but this will only last long enough to convince her he's a real person and then she'll become like you. Wanting to escape. Have you realised how stupid this girlfriend is. She actually thinks a man who doesn't pay child support is dependable. Who do you think is spending more money on that relationship.

Someone posted about you being to open and honest about yourself. Well I'll admit reading your posts have ruined my life. It cost me my job, I had to move in with my mother and I'm positive it's the reason I was divorced in 2003. Seriously though I'll ask. Have you always been so open or is talking about your life a way of venting because when you were with him you had no one to confide in.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 32
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 10:11:17 AM
Rise above writes
Someone posted about you being to open and honest about yourself. Well I'll admit reading your posts have ruined my life. It cost me my job, I had to move in with my mother and I'm positive it's the reason I was divorced in 2003.

While any failing of a relationship[ is tragic to an extent,,,,
-------------How is it the fault of Ms July??
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 33
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 10:20:43 AM
Well, hell, I'll take a stab at this. Put me down for 2,3 & 4.

And, as others have pointed out, on number 3 the key part is "not necessarily". I'm open to that, but I am not pursuing it above all else.

And I'm not dating "just for sex", but sometimes that is all you get, and I'm okay with that too.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 34
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 10:31:42 AM
32
How is it the fault of Ms July??

The part about her being the reason for my divorce in 2003 should have made you realise I wasn't serious. Sorry if it didn't appear that way.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 35
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 12:15:47 PM
msg #1:
What dating mode are you in?
Message: We all are dating for specific reasons and even though we put certain things on our profiles like "not looking for serious" and "just looking for friends" we are have a specific mode we are in. Sometimes we are looking for one certain thing but we are willing to accept others in the meantime. Which of the following modes are you in:

1) dating for a longterm relationship and children
a) with marriage b) with cohabitation only
2) dating for a longterm relationship and companionship
a) with marriage b) with cohabitation only c) with no cohabitation
3) dating for fun but not necessarily longterm relationships
4) dating just for sex
5) dating for extramarital affairs or swinging
6) not dating, just online looking for friendship and conversation
7) looking for a friends with benefits
8) looking for casual encounters


I'm not dating at present,but if I was, it would be for #4.
I don't think it is a 'mode' that actually exists, but no other category fits what I might seek should I ever be again on the hunt.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 36
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 1:19:25 PM

You left out the word "happy." At some point you were happy with him and eventually discovered he was someone you wished would die. Do you think his personality has changed and he treats this girlfriend like gold? Of course he is but this will only last long enough to convince her he's a real person and then she'll become like you. Wanting to escape. Have you realised how stupid this girlfriend is. She actually thinks a man who doesn't pay child support is dependable. Who do you think is spending more money on that relationship.

Someone posted about you being to open and honest about yourself. Well I'll admit reading your posts have ruined my life. It cost me my job, I had to move in with my mother and I'm positive it's the reason I was divorced in 2003. Seriously though I'll ask. Have you always been so open or is talking about your life a way of venting because when you were with him you had no one to confide in.


Once upon a time I had hopes of a good life with him. I thought maybe he'd find a job he'd like and be good at and everything would improve. Because things were better when he was working. But things never improved ever and I lost hope after a while. And I know exactly why his girlfriend is sticking with him. Her ex was an abuser with gang ties. My ex is a big guy who no one would want to mess with plus he has connections himself. She looks at him as a big strong protector. Plus she was raised differently than me. She comes from a working class background and things that really bug me don't bug her at all, to her they are normal. And yes, they are living on what she has. Her ex-husband pays a nice alimony and and she got a nice settlement in the divorce.

I am overly open and honest on here. You are right about me never having anyone to confide in when I was with him. He kind of sabotaged a lot of friendships I would have had by pissing off potential friends. I was embarrassed about things he did and said. Prior to our relationship I had a ton of friends but eventually they all faded away.

I think maybe I wouldn't be in such a confused relationship mode if my ex was alone. Anyone else ever have this problem here?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 37
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 1:56:02 PM

I think maybe I wouldn't be in such a confused relationship mode if my ex was alone. Anyone else ever have this problem here?

Yeah, I think a lot of people have. I have. Temporarily. Right after breaking up. It's called Not Being Over Them. You can try and call it something else because it's not the exact same feeling as when you Were BreakING up with them or shortly thereafter, but it is the same thing -- just on a different wavelength.

When we're Holy-Sh!t about why we stuck around so long with that Ex and OMG-no-way about being with them... if that's how we Really Do feel 100% thru-and-thru .... we're not going to care if they're with someone else doing just fine. If we're going to be jealous that they're in a suitable position they should be thankful for, or one that's 'blah', or spend time with happy thoughts they're in one that's horrible -- we're not over them. :)

You're over them when you're like "I just don't want drama from their dating/working life spilling on me". That's it. Truly being over them means what they're doing now with the opp-sex is = how much you care that 6th grade summer BF is doing right now with the opp-sex. :)
 lulz567
Joined: 7/6/2018
Msg: 38
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 3:06:00 PM
“And yes, they are living on what she has. Her ex-husband pays a nice alimony and and she got a nice settlement in the divorce”

The guys a mooch, this and not paying child support his one of the worst idiots I’ve read on here!

Yes you will have a reputation if he pissed everyone off because his a low life mooch.

Making his children go without. He is only in relationships , and I use that term very lightly indeed to exploit. She will get rid of him because he is utterly ridiculous to have around and eventually she will feel that his “body guard duties” as too expensive!
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 39
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 3:47:23 PM
Actually, I'm not on any dating mode anymore. I did say I wanted a summer fling but then a car accident happened and between a totaled vehicle, medical bills & legal fees - I'm in no head-space to date or meet new people. If I met anyone new I wouldn't be the greatest company or make a good impression.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 40
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 4:05:48 PM

Yeah, I think a lot of people have. I have. Temporarily. Right after breaking up. It's called Not Being Over Them. You can try and call it something else because it's not the exact same feeling as when you Were BreakING up with them or shortly thereafter, but it is the same thing -- just on a different wavelength.

When we're Holy-Sh!t about why we stuck around so long with that Ex and OMG-no-way about being with them... if that's how we Really Do feel 100% thru-and-thru .... we're not going to care if they're with someone else doing just fine. If we're going to be jealous that they're in a suitable position they should be thankful for, or one that's 'blah', or spend time with happy thoughts they're in one that's horrible -- we're not over them. :)

You're over them when you're like "I just don't want drama from their dating/working life spilling on me". That's it. Truly being over them means what they're doing now with the opp-sex is = how much you care that 6th grade summer BF is doing right now with the opp-sex. :)


I think it's different when you have kids with someone because then there's no such thing as a clean break. I still have to continue to deal with him and its not easy, he doesn't make it easy. And I admit to a little jealousy of his girlfriend but it has more to do with how much the kids like her and how pretty she is. This girl is seriously crazy in the head but she's beautiful and she's fun and the kids seem to idolize her which is so hard to observe. And part of me is really still angry at my ex because he was such an awful person, still continues to do stuff that is horrible, yet he gets to have someone and have a house and stuff and my kids keep telling me they wish they lived with dad and his girlfriend instead (because I work too much plus I have too many rules and chores and the consensus is that I'm unfun). Plus he left me and maybe that hurts the ego.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 41
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 4:08:00 PM

Actually, I'm not on any dating mode anymore. I did say I wanted a summer fling but then a car accident happened and between a totaled vehicle, medical bills & legal fees - I'm in no head-space to date or meet new people. If I met anyone new I wouldn't be the greatest company or make a good impression.


Omg. Did that just happen since your last post to this thread? That's awful. I'm sorry to hear that.
 BLONDE_ANGEL_1
Joined: 4/27/2018
Msg: 42
What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 5:43:16 PM

I think it's different when you have kids with someone because then there's no such thing as a clean break. I still have to continue to deal with him and its not easy, he doesn't make it easy. And I admit to a little jealousy of his girlfriend but it has more to do with how much the kids like her and how pretty she is. This girl is seriously crazy in the head but she's beautiful and she's fun and the kids seem to idolize her which is so hard to observe. And part of me is really still angry at my ex because he was such an awful person, still continues to do stuff that is horrible, yet he gets to have someone and have a house and stuff and my kids keep telling me they wish they lived with dad and his girlfriend instead (because I work too much plus I have too many rules and chores and the consensus is that I'm unfun). Plus he left me and maybe that hurts the ego.

He is gonna sh1t on her & her kids the same way he shat on u- since she is pretty-albeit crazy- she will dump him 4 a new guy- he will come crawling back 2 u- 2 fund him- be ready to say NO

Let the kids tell u- at least u keep a stable home not a revolving door of d1ck- when it comes to custody...u should get full!
 BLONDE_ANGEL_1
Joined: 4/27/2018
Msg: 43
What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 5:50:52 PM

Once upon a time I had hopes of a good life with him. I thought maybe he'd find a job he'd like and be good at and everything would improve. Because things were better when he was working. But things never improved ever and I lost hope after a while. And I know exactly why his girlfriend is sticking with him. Her ex was an abuser with gang ties. My ex is a big guy who no one would want to mess with plus he has connections himself. She looks at him as a big strong protector. Plus she was raised differently than me. She comes from a working class background and things that really bug me don't bug her at all, to her they are normal. And yes, they are living on what she has. Her ex-husband pays a nice alimony and and she got a nice settlement in the divorce.
Bad 4 them all around if custody is an issue- good 4 u


I am overly open and honest on here. You are right about me never having anyone to confide in when I was with him. He kind of sabotaged a lot of friendships I would have had by pissing off potential friends. I was embarrassed about things he did and said. Prior to our relationship I had a ton of friends but eventually they all faded away.
You need to stick w/TOPS, plus find a bunch of 12 step fellowships- O.A. (I think u need this one 1st from reading ur posts) CODA (co dependents anon) al anon if anyone in ur life used booze or drugs. You need sponsorship, u need to talk & to listen. Your Mom from what I read is also a saboteur.

Also from what I read, u had at least 1 man like u enough, but u ditched him.
You wanna re-establish yourself in a small community? Find anicestable man w/ a working penis, go to those meetings & make new friends. Keep the ex away...and start having boundaries w/ ur Mom.
 BLONDE_ANGEL_1
Joined: 4/27/2018
Msg: 44
What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 5:55:04 PM

I wish there were online sites to find female friends like there is for online dating. I know many have mentioned Meetups but there is nothing for my area. I joined a local TOPS club last year and though everyone is great there, I haven't met any kindred spirits. I also work will all women and though there have been certain women I think I would really gel with, there doesn't seem to be any openings for friends with them if you can understand what I mean. Whenever I've met the best friends in my life (all who are now spread all around the country) it was usually in a situation when we were both looking for friends. In many ways it's just like dating. You can't force a connection, its either there or its not. I go to the park lots with my kids or to various rec activities with the kids and I hope one day I will just find another mom that I click with. I did find one and we actually met up a few times and things seemed to be great but then she was invited out one time with another group of women and I wasn't included in that and since then she's always been busy when I've asked if she wanted to do something. I know that there's still rumours going on about me and my ex around town and I sometimes feel like that's what makes it difficult for me. He pissed off a lot of people and I'm struggling to have people realize I'm a separate entity now and it's difficult. I think maybe they look down on me because I was with him and its forever kind of tattooed to my reputation here. I have hope though that gradually over time things will get better. I wish I could join more school or church committees or something to make connections with other women but my work schedule makes it difficult.

find female friends---Sponsorship via 12 step programs is a good start.

I know that there's still rumours going on about me and my ex around town and I sometimes feel like that's what makes it difficult for me. He pissed off a lot of people and I'm struggling to have people realize I'm a separate entity now and it's difficult. I think maybe they look down on me because I was with him and its forever kind of tattooed to my reputation here.- 100% correct- dont be quick to discard a man to date if he is OK & likes u & dont beg around women who exclude u- time marches on, get the custody etc & amputate urself from the ex.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 45
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 6:36:58 PM

Plus he left me and maybe that hurts the ego


You clearly stated in another post that you pretty much did everything you could do to get him to leave you.
Why would it hurt your ego if that is exactly what you wanted???

Me thinks there is a lot of the story we're not hearing...
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 46
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/22/2018 10:43:09 PM

You clearly stated in another post that you pretty much did everything you could do to get him to leave you.
Why would it hurt your ego if that is exactly what you wanted???

Me thinks there is a lot of the story we're not hearing...


I know it seems petty and immature but I wanted to be the one to break up with him. If he broke up with me in a different fashion (ie. not moving new woman into my home) it wouldn't have been so bad. But the way he did it was humiliating and I hate how so many people saw what was going on. It feels really embarassing getting cheated on.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 47
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/23/2018 5:18:52 AM

I know it seems petty and immature but I wanted to be the one to break up with him. If he broke up with me in a different fashion (ie. not moving new woman into my home) it wouldn't have been so bad. But the way he did it was humiliating and I hate how so many people saw what was going on. It feels really embarassing getting cheated on.

You said in the comment that was referenced that you wanted it to be over and that you pushed him (or however you worded it) to have an affair. You wanted him to be with someone else so that it would be over. You got exactly what you wanted - what you planned. You know what "they" say --- Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 48
What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/23/2018 6:57:54 AM
" I wanted to be the one to break up with him."

It would be a good idea, that if you were to meet another potential mate, to don't be in such a mad rush to move in together and play house, and hope it works out. Take your time to get to know the person first, where you see the person at their best and worst. At the moment, you sound desperate enough to move in with any stranger that comes along and makes an offer of co-habitation. Look at how that has worked out for you. You'll be back at square one if you keep that up.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 49
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/23/2018 7:04:15 AM
36
She looks at him as a big strong protector. Plus she was raised differently than me. She comes from a working class background and things that really bug me don't bug her at all, to her they are normal.

July what background are you from? Working class or any class for that matter doesn't mean anything when it comes to individuals. One person can become a fine up standing citizen while another can become a serial killer. Also your assuming you know what she's thinking. She is experiencing the same things you did with him from the beginning and that should give you a better idea of what she's thinking. How long did you overlook his faults before you began to question his value. She will eventually do the same because his personality cannot change so he will inevitably treat her the same way he treated you. You don't seem to realize, he doesn't have a relationship, he has a victim. She just doesn't know it yet probably because she's seriously crazy in the head.


Prior to our relationship I had a ton of friends but eventually they all faded away.

After high school most friends fade away as we move on with our lives and go our separate ways. That's what happens in life then you make new ones. Of course your life didn't worked out that way and now you spend most of your spare time with your children. Must have been a bit discouraging for you when your profile got burnt since the forums appear to be the only place you interact intellectually with adults. I've read all the ideas you've come up with to try and make friends but the problem is Melville of course. Too small. Yes I understand your situation and know that moving is a problem.

40
This girl is seriously crazy in the head but she's beautiful and she's fun and the kids seem to idolize her which is so hard to observe.

They're kids, they don't know any better and you can't explain it to them. They don't realize if they lived with them they'd still have chores and such to do. They think his house is a fairy tale world and you can't explain it isn't to them When they break up you will have to explain why she isn't a part of your kids lives anymore. Your kids probably think your ex is this wonderful noble guy who can't do any wrong. You will have to explain why they can't participate in various activities due to lack of money because he doesn't pay child support. If the internet didn't exist we both know he wouldn't even be a part of their lives. It may take years but your kids will eventually realize he's no dad at all. All it may take is some other kid mentioning the words "child support." Certainly would save you the trouble of explaining it.

46
It feels really embarassing getting cheated on.

July how much do you concern yourself with what people think of you in real life? You've implied that few times in your posts though most of them are centered around things your ex did. Unless you answer the question not much more I can say.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 50
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What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/23/2018 12:16:25 PM
2, eventually.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about if someone cheats on you. I don't get why you care. You were 2 messed up people in a messed up relationship. You didn't do right by yourselves individually or by each other. My ex is with someone and cheating on her. Am I envious of that relationship - no. When you say things like that, being envious, it makes me doubt your sanity. He's not nice and his gf isn't either. What's to be envious of?
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