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 Woodrock
Joined: 8/1/2018
Msg: 26
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Not looking for hookups anymorePage 2 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

Most often, a man will dump a woman when casual sex is all that she has to offer.



Most women want relationships but many women will lie to a guy or to themselves that they just want something casual.


Taking these two comments together I think that there might be a dynamic where a both the man and the woman start with an intention to enter a relationship. The woman, in this case, thinks that sex is the way to make herself attractive, the man gets interested on the sexual aspects of the relationship, and only later realises that they aren't compatible long-term for some reason. They've both made mistakes, but I think in this case they were honest mistakes and they just need to develop a little insight.

I think it's unfair to say that the woman had nothing else to offer, it's just they were never right for each other and the sex became a distraction while they were getting to know each other. Sometimes it takes a lot of chances to get things right, again I think it's about accepting responsibility for your own part in what's happened. If someone's truly done that, then it almost doesn't matter what past they've had.


What is the exact behaviour women are doing that is the issue?


It's not really possible to answer that because, as I'm discovering going through this discussion, there are a lot of different things going on. If I were to reduce it I would have to make it apply to both men and women:

*** What a person says is not in line with their behaviour ***

There's a saying, "you can't con an honest man [person]". So if a man, let's say, is having trouble with dating women there's probably some error that he is also making - and vice-versa with the genders. I was trying to examine what elements of someone's profile might give indications that something in-authentic was going on (words and deeds not in accord).

Another truism is to look at the outcome of someone's actions if you want to understand their motives. So I would look at the outrage expressed by some women at men's behaviour and the way they might accuse a man of just being "angry because he's not more successful with women" (paraphrasing). First, it dismisses reasonable objections a man might have to a woman's behaviour without any real argument behind it, and second, if the man reacts emotionally to the attack, the effect will be to make him more insecure, more focused on conquering women to prove his manliness, and easier to manipulate. There are a number of profiles I've seen that reflect this with phrases like "need a real man", "someone who can handle a real woman", "must have... [long list of ridiculous superficial demands]", all of which presumably are to get men to jump through hoops for them. An alpha male never would, and wouldn't need to, do this. In fact, any two people going into a relationship that benefits both of them wouldn't do that, it's not the way you'd conduct any sort of honest negotiation.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 27
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/25/2018 7:53:22 AM

There are a number of profiles I've seen that reflect this with phrases like "need a real man", "someone who can handle a real woman", "must have... [long list of ridiculous superficial demands]",

Also bottom feeders.

There are too many low quality profiles on this site, well it's free.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 28
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/25/2018 10:31:10 AM
A few random thoughts or just comments on what I have read here:

Going back to the original post, let me emphasize a few words:


I've only started to notice this is the past couple of years, but loads of women are stating that they aren't looking for hookups ANYMORE, that they HAD { past tense } one night stands when they were young but now want a relationship.


I have seen such comments in women’s profiles, and yes, it bothers me just a little. I usually don’t message any woman who has said that publicly, as I think they are likely to have negative feelings towards men in general.

And it is most definitely not the case than I look down on or disapprove of women who have had many sexual encounters. See my reply below to Siisaa.

siisaa
One of the pitfalls of being a single woman in the West is believing you can ride the c0ck carousel all through your 20s (i.e. a woman's prime dating & mating years) and blindly expect that when you disembark, eligible, high-quality marriage-minded men will still want you.

I have seen a number of men make similar statements, but only a few women. Whomever says it, I tend to disagree. I am not looking for, and never was looking for, some “untouched princess”. I would much rather find someone who has had their fun, and is now ready to settle down. Women who have been around, had a number of lovers (dozens, not thousands (lol) ), tend to make better lovers. And they tend to know what they want, and are not shy about saying so. Which I really really like, as I hate trying to figure out non-verbal clues.

But this is (in my mind) a private matter, not a public matter. If you put that on your profile (used to do hookups, not anymore), I have to wonder, “Is she bragging? Or bitter? Or ??”


cooldog65
It's one thing to buy a well maintained used car and it's another thing to buy one that's been ridden hard over many speed bumps...

Let me clue you in here. It does not wear out. It only gets better with practice.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 29
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/25/2018 10:58:43 AM
Its quite simple really. Many women have "I'm looking for a relationship" as their status and 95% of the men they talk to end up only looking for hookups from them. I have wasted many words and a lot of time responding to messages from men only to have them asking if I'm interested in a night of sex 10 minutes into the convo (or 5 minutes in or a day or two in). There almost needs to be a separate box to tick off saying whether your interested in casual hookups or not. There are many people truly looking for relationships that will partake in a casual hookup in the meantime if that opportunity arises. Although, if, as a woman, you tick that off, it basically takes you out of the running in a lot of guys' eyes for being considered relationship-worthy.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 30
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/25/2018 11:23:45 AM
Some guys even have the audacity to think they will be number 1 sex priority after you stop dating them or break up.
Legit had a guy expect he would be #1 priority after we broke up.
Then this other dude said he didn't want to date me anymore and I was like k... and we didn't talk for 2 weeks while I was overseas then when I came back he was all trying to role play and saying he will book a hotel room and I'm like????
Then hes saying we should have sex on the bench near mine and I'm like yaaa no we aren't even dating. Then he's all back tracking changing his mind and saying we should try dating again. Lol dudes sorely mistaken if he thinks he can treat me like that and I'd sleep with him or date him again.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 31
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/25/2018 1:06:53 PM
Ugh, I know. I've had a few guys who have basically said, after we've met, they aren't interested in being my boyfriend but they still want to have sex with me. And I won't because they weren't upfront about that to begin with. They said they were looking for a girlfriend but when they basically say in not so much words that I'm not girlfriend material for them, I have no desire to sleep with them. Guys who are upfront about just wanting something regular and casual I would consider just because there wasn't actually that rejection that occurred so there's no hurt feelings to sweep under the rug.

My first boyfriend did that to me. After dating for 3 months and then becoming official for just a week, he dumped me, but soon after kept contacting me to hang out, which I did, and it always led to sex. After a month of that I had enough. I couldn't understand why he didn't want me to be his girlfriend but he still wanted to keep hanging around and sleep together. I finally cut it off, ignored his texts and emails and didn't speak to him again. After about a month and a half he finally wrote me this email basically saying that he was so sorry and wanted us to be boyfriend and girlfriend again but it was too late because I was pregnant with my new boyfriend's baby. Never talked to him again until many years later.
 Woodrock
Joined: 8/1/2018
Msg: 32
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/26/2018 2:58:47 AM
Sometimes guys are a bit clueless, they want a serious relationship while also keeping the chemistry alive. I've been dumped because I was too boring and because I seemed to only be interested in sex - it took me a while to find the balance, largely because every woman has her own preferences. Sometimes I feel women expect men to "just know" this stuff, and we don't. It sounds like what you're saying, what we've all been saying, is that whatever you want you need to do it with respect.


I would much rather find someone who has had their fun, and is now ready to settle down


Thanks for adding your perspective, I can see how this view also has a lot of validity to it. What made me agree with siisaa was the "blindly expect" qualification.

If, as a woman, you feel like a man has done something which means you need to cut off communication with him, would you try and explain where you felt he'd over stepped the mark first?
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 33
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/26/2018 9:20:12 AM
When I was single I was looking for a man that has had some fun and is ready to settle down. Not too much fun though ;)
I don't find sluttiness attractive. It's off putting.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 34
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/26/2018 4:52:19 PM

I have seen a number of men make similar statements, but only a few women. Whomever says it, I tend to disagree. I am not looking for, and never was looking for, some “untouched princess”. I would much rather find someone who has had their fun, and is now ready to settle down. Women who have been around, had a number of lovers (dozens, not thousands (lol) ), tend to make better lovers. And they tend to know what they want, and are not shy about saying so. Which I really really like, as I hate trying to figure out non-verbal clues.


With all due respect Henry, I wouldn't expect a man of your age to want some "uncharted princess". I'm referring to younger men (around my age) who are looking to settle down & start a family. Those men aren't going to want a woman with a bunch of mileage to be his potential wife & mother to his children. The younger she is, the more likely she'll be in her attractiveness & mating prime with less baggage and d1cks on her resume.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 35
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/31/2018 2:39:48 PM
I think a lot of people may amend their profiles after some negative pof experiences to say no hook ups after experiencing men only wanting hook ups, which is very commonly found with OLD. I see a lot of men amending their profiles with negativity.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 36
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/31/2018 7:01:17 PM
Sometimes it is just so exhausting responding to message after message from guys who message you, only to discover its only a hook-up that they want.
 realtysucks
Joined: 8/25/2018
Msg: 37
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 8/31/2018 7:21:01 PM
This is not new too me
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 38
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/5/2018 6:57:25 AM
Or july, to end up having a hookup situation when you weren't wanting one and wanted to actually date then realize that is probably all the guy wanted from day 1 but never was honest and said.
 Seahorse_Jockey
Joined: 8/24/2018
Msg: 39
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/5/2018 10:51:11 AM
(Msg 36, julystorm):
Sometimes it is just so exhausting responding to message after message from guys who message you, only to discover its only a hook-up that they want.

From profile:
Between working full time and trying to raise my kids I don't have the time to date someone a lot. But I do want to date a little.
--------------------
It you just want to date a little bit, and don't have time to have a relationship, what do you expect? You're chasing away guys who are looking for a relationship, by saying you won't have time for them. And almost all guys on dating sites are not going to be looking for a platonic friendship.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 40
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/5/2018 5:08:45 PM
I should clarify: I'm not looking for one-time hookups.

Actually, I do want a relationship but I know that's out of reach for me right now so I waste a lot of guys' time. They waste mine too.

I'm just looking for a regular casual thing. Someone to spend a couple evenings a week with after 9:30pm. Surely there are guys that would be okay with that. Someone to hang out with for sex AND cuddles AND chat. FWB. But guys seem to either want to have sex without being friends or want a relationship soon to lead to marriage.

I am not in a place in my life to be in a relationship. I've now been single a year (as of Sep.2) but I'm still at my mom's and dealing with court custody stuff and tax stuff so those three things need to be settled before I consider myself relationship-ready. Plus I am still working at losing weight and being fit. Just hit 196 so 34 pounds to get to for my goal weight.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 41
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/6/2018 8:28:06 AM
so you want a boyfriend that doesn't want to get too serious to fast. that isn't a hook up, fwb or f***buddy, that is a boyfriend. my time on dating sites also resulted in the same extremes, one night stand or heading to the alter. I too want a monogamist relationship without them moving in anytime soon. 30 years ago, that was normal! I blame OLD for the demise of a casual relationship. when your only spending a few hours a day and not every day with someone, that seems to end with one having plenty of free time to squeeze in a few more 'casual' relationships. perhaps find a guy that is too busy. works and college or has hobbies that keep him busy. going to the bar isn't a hobby!
 Seahorse_Jockey
Joined: 8/24/2018
Msg: 42
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/6/2018 9:08:19 AM
It's fumy how some people can spend hour after hour on their computer/smart phone every day-from morning until night, but say they don't have time for a relationship.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 43
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/6/2018 9:40:22 AM

It's fumy how some people can spend hour after hour on their computer/smart phone every day-from morning until night, but say they don't have time for a relationship.
many devote a few minutes out of an hour while they do other things! when my kids were young, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, watched t.v. and went on dating sites while I watched my kids but banging some slut NEVER happened while the kids were there. now that kids are older, I am on here or pof A FEW MINUTES while I do other tasks in the office. I can relax after work before going to the garage while I am online but hardly qualify that as being available. spending time between other tasks/responsibilities is not the same as dropping them to spend the day at the future inlaws! be more realistic about what someone can or will give up to be in a relationship. I would like to be in a relationship but not bad enough to give up everything else in my life.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 44
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/6/2018 10:20:59 AM
Exactly. Although I had to frown at the wording "banging some slut".

I am often doing other things while online. Right now I'm at home and my 2-year-old is napping. Often I go on when I'm at work on my breaks. So I'm not physically able to go see someone in person.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 45
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/8/2018 1:22:29 AM
Guys don't really want to be friends in the FWB. Either it is just screwing or more rarely they will want to put the time in for a relationship. They will not waste their time and effort when they can get sex without being friends. Best bet is to FWB zone a guy who wants a relationship with you. Only thing is he will probably give up and move on when it doesn't go to his liking.
Men are all about efficiency.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 46
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/8/2018 7:04:47 AM
I don't think I could do that though. Friendzone a guy if he wants a relationship just to get sex and someone to hang.out with but not be in a relationship...I know guys do it to girls all the time.

I am still occasionally sleeping with a guy but he sleeps with other women too. I have trouble internally about the lack of monogamy but is that too high of an expectation?
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 47
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/8/2018 7:27:45 AM
my experience is the women wants more and ends up bailing when the guy wont commit. I never really liked the term FWB, its just 2 people that have regular hook ups and know it will never be any more than that. although rare these days, it is posable to date, be faithful and still keep it casual. that stage in between the first date and getting married!
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 48
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/8/2018 7:40:33 AM
Ugh,...….. SMH^ ^ ^ ^ ^ I think someone needs a BOB, and should .....................….devote more of her off work time, to resolving every f'n road block, dilemma or "woe is me" problem, we have read about here in the Forums... Devote more time to the children………..BEFORE frettin' over any:


I am still occasionally sleeping with a guy but he sleeps with other women too


BUT the first line is:


I don't think I could do that though. Friendzone a guy if he wants a relationship just to get sex and someone to hang.out with but not be in a relationship....



July, do you ever go back and read your own posts?...………….Watcha smokin?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 49
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/8/2018 7:58:27 AM
^^^ I hope she doesn't get pregnant...
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 50
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Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/8/2018 8:37:43 AM

^^^ I hope she doesn't get pregnant...


And don't forget the STDs.

Which make for an even better catch down the road.
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