Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Not looking for hookups anymore      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymorePage 3 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

Trouble is, I find this really off putting. Hard to put my finger on exactly what bothers me, whether it feels like I'm being punished for other men's dishonesty or that I'm being used because the kind of guys these women used to go for don't have decent jobs or something and so they're not really interested in me for who I am...

I think the real punishment you speak of is "Wait, whoah, wait! You hooked up with him, him, and him -- but why not me?? Why do I get the short end of the stick, having to, (sigh), take you out a bunch of times before I get some poon??"

Yeah, I can understand the frustration. ;)

In reality, I don't notice women saying this all the time, but I'll always see something reflecting that. Stuff like "Not into hooking up or casual dating. Been there, done that. I'm looking for real Relationship material." Okay. So how does this hurt You, if you're Also looking for a Relationship? I can understand it's a buzz killer if you're scoping out a doable-casually-dateable, but that's about it. I've felt that natural reflex when profile browsing.

But say she's Hot. And has a great job. And her interests seem to line up with yours. What's the big deal? What's making them Less available to You? That you can't get some quick action? OK. But that's about it. Cheer up, sunshine! :)
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/10/2018 3:40:37 PM
*I think the real punishment you speak of is "Wait, whoah, wait! You hooked up with him, him, and him -- but why not me?? Why do I get the short end of the stick, having to, (sigh), take you out a bunch of times before I get some poon??"

Somehow, I don't think that it is as simple as all that. There is the loyalty aspect to consider. In essence, she is saying that he isn't as attractive as any of the long toms that came before. The only reason that this situation exists at all is because these others possess a talent that he lacks. He resents being asked to give his all only to be cucked when the next bad boy comes along.

The simple solution is to disregard these people completely. If you see one of those profiles, mumble "whore" and click on the next picture. Some guys can't do that right away. It takes a little time to separate these profiles from actually being insulted to your face. Most people get there eventually.

There is also the desolation aspect. There are so many of these profiles in his demographic that he is starting to see a wasteland all around him. He can't get what he wants because it just doesn't exist for him nor did it ever. He has to come to terms with that fact.
 Woodrock
Joined: 8/1/2018
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 11:58:18 AM

Somehow, I don't think that it is as simple as all that.


Yes, you've said it for me. The question is why would someone wanting a relationship make a point of going on about their past sexual exploits, especially on the first few dates? It's either game playing or a lack of emotional intelligence, and having had this conversation on this thread, the consensus seems to be that it's more often the latter.


In essence, she is saying that he isn't as attractive as any of the long toms that came before. The only reason that this situation exists at all is because these others possess a talent that he lacks. He resents being asked to give his all only to be cucked when the next bad boy comes along.


I kind of get what you're saying here, though I don't quite agree. To me it's more a case that there's a type of guy they're attracted to, and that's fine, but they've convinced themselves that they want something else that they'll never get from those guys, and so they go after men that will give them what they think they want. It's a lack of self-awareness. I'd say they are easily swayed by bravado rather than real character or actual talent, but that's an opinion. I don't want to downplay confidence either, it's a good quality to have.


There are so many of these profiles in his demographic that he is starting to see a wasteland all around him. He can't get what he wants because it just doesn't exist for him nor did it ever. He has to come to terms with that fact.


There's some truth in this. Knowing what to look for and what to avoid has helped and I think my last few dates since making the original post have gone much better. I've been able to have the kind of mature conversation about past relationships that I would expect from someone in their 30's and understanding why someone's changed their lifestyle and what they're looking for, without unnecessary detail, helps me to understand where they're coming from and has made me feel closer to them.

Just by virtue of simple logic, the attractive, emotionally intelligent, women who are interested in relationships are probably in relationships because they know how to make them last. While the dating pool as you age becomes increasingly saturated with people who for some reason or another haven't managed to make past relationships work. People can learn from their past mistakes though, so I'm also optimistic that there are still women out there who have made progress in who they are and how they live, as I hope I have.
 LoveMySentra
Joined: 4/30/2018
Msg: 54
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 12:19:29 PM
I think the OP was more about when women say they don't want hookups, yet usually go ahead and hook up with the type of guys they say they hate... that stuff confuses alot of guys. It used to confuse me as well. Now I take it as a cue to be like the guys women say they hate... works much better that way. LOL

I don't think women intentionally lie about such things, but rather that women's emotions are stronger then their logical side... and those emotions get turned on by what they hate - hate being an emotion. If that makes any sense. LOL
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 55
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 12:23:27 PM
Have you ever thought that these women have learnt from there experience and decided to change their behaviour because their past choices did not lead them to happiness or a long term relationship?
Why keep obsessing over this, you just sound bitter and entitled to an easy lay.
No lay is easy, it requires skill or certain qualities. A woman won't sleep with you just because you point out she slept with other guys. You are not entitled to women's bodies.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 12:25:33 PM
you don't marry the town whore! taking that down a few notches, if a woman was easy in the past and decided to expect a little more from her dates, that is her choice but why on earth add "anymore" to the no hookups! I would want to know and before I heard it from someone else but not sure that it is pre date or first date material. to my disbelief, I have heard this TWICE in the last month. one proceeded to tell me all the things she would of done just a few monthes ago but after so many men, she wants to try a relationship! I lost interest rather quickly and it wasn't because I just wanted laid.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 57
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 12:27:22 PM

Somehow, I don't think that it is as simple as all that. There is the loyalty aspect to consider. In essence, she is saying that he isn't as attractive as any of the long toms that came before. The only reason that this situation exists at all is because these others possess a talent that he lacks.

Wait, wait tho. We're not necessarily talking about a gal talking to a specific guy (or the OP), necessarily. We're talking about a gal's PROFILE saying she's done with hookups, right? And even if a gal is saying she's done with casual dating (or hooking up; more specific) to a guy when there's an exchange of "what are you looking for?" -- it doesn't mean he's lower on the totem pole. She's going to say that to Hot Rick just as she'll say it to Cold**** if she even converses with the latter guy. :)

I think there's a big difference between chasing a gal IRL who's a bit out of your league (but not way out), and you Do get a chance, but she gives you a warning that she's not into hooking up and she needs a real guy.... VS being online projecting the same thing in her profiles and intro-messages on what one's looking for.

If you wanted to compare it Online -- then her profile would be more in the Opposite direction of what she preaches to the specific guy.

In the end, a guy should only get some level of frustration if her profile is the Opposite of what she preaches directly to him and sees a pattern. Of course, if that's the case, he's chasing girls out of his league for the most part. (Sorry Charlie). If he's upset that her profile says she's not looking for hookups (even tho she looks like no nun) or casual dating... or when initially chatting she says that and he profile certainly doesn't conflict with that -- then the guy's just sexually frustrated. It in NO WAY takes a gal doling out different cards to Sub-Par Sam VS Good Looking Gary, for her to say on her profile or initially that she's not looking for hookups / casual dating.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 58
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 1:21:02 PM
*In the end, a guy should only get some level of frustration if her profile is the Opposite of what she preaches directly to him and sees a pattern. Of course, if that's the case, he's chasing girls out of his league for the most part. (Sorry Charlie). If he's upset that her profile says she's not looking for hookups (even tho she looks like no nun) or casual dating... or when initially chatting she says that and he profile certainly doesn't conflict with that -- then the guy's just sexually frustrated. It in NO WAY takes a gal doling out different cards to Sub-Par Sam VS Good Looking Gary, for her to say on her profile or initially that she's not looking for hookups / casual dating.

Yeah, most of what you are saying has a good deal of validity but you would have to ignore the disgust factor. I doubt that the OP brought up this subject because he actually wants to date some of these women. There is very little chance that the OP is disappointed that these women stopped doing hookups as soon as he joined the site. More likely, he objects to the fact that they did hookups at all.

As an example, I have an extreme aversion to tattoos on women. Never in my life have I been lonely enough to even consider touching one. Say I see a woman's profile with a visible tattoo? I don't want to date her. I don't want to hookup with her either. She isn't even fit for donkey shows. I do vehemently object to her presence though. That she would have the unmitigated gall to present herself online is simply repugnant. Likewise, a man can object to seeing multiple self proclaimed sluts without wanting anything to do with them. It's a bit dispiriting to look out the window and only see the town dump.
 Woodrock
Joined: 8/1/2018
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 1:36:01 PM

I think the OP was more about when women say they don't want hookups, yet usually go ahead and hook up with the type of guys they say they hate... that stuff confuses alot of guys. It used to confuse me as well.


Yes this.

Quite a few of the other comments that have just been made seem to have nothing to do with what I'm saying, so not sure where that's coming from.

I have said a few times now that I don't have a problem with how someone's behaved in the past, or even in the present, as long as what they say and what they do are consistent. Obviously you can't control what other people do and say but you can learn to make better judgments for yourself, without making a judgement about other people as a whole, and I'm quite happy that I've managed to do that.

I don't mind if this thread goes in a different direction or if it dies, but if someone responds to something I've said and I think there's a misunderstanding then I'll try and correct that - don't think it's fair to say I'm going on about anything.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 60
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 5:37:17 PM
I know that for me personally, I'm getting tired of the meaningless hookups. I would like to be considered for more than just a provisioner of sex. I'm tired of getting excited about certain guys I'm talking to, only to realize that they aren't into me as a person. However, I think that if a guy I like starts showering me with compliments, saying things that make me feel good about myself, I might be vulnerable to letting him use me. When you really like a guy and he tries to have sex with you, you are more likely to have sex with him because you are more worried about him walking away from you. However, you sleeping with him earlier may cause him to like you less.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 5:42:14 PM
July, my dear child, Can I say...…………….GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! WAKE UP !
(Ok I feel better now, I got it out of my system , I'll go in the other room now)
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 7:08:25 PM

When you really like a guy and he tries to have sex with you, you are more likely to have sex with him because you are more worried about him walking away from you.
it might keep him around a little longer but it is temporary. on the other hand, if the guy does like you, waiting for the right time wont be an issue [within reason]. when I really like and respect a girl, I don't push it. it will just happen when it is right. when an o.k. but not great date molests me in the parking lot, long term is off the table.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 10:18:10 PM
Its easy to refuse someone you don't like a lot but much harder to refuse a guy you like when he puts pressure on you for sex. Because the truth is you really want to have sex with him and saying no, not yet, is denying yourself what you want. However, many men do not respect women that sleep with them early
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 64
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/11/2018 11:13:18 PM

Yeah, most of what you are saying has a good deal of validity but you would have to ignore the disgust factor.

Or personal frustration factor, in this case. Which should Not get in the way of validity and skew if one is going to make claims about rights & wrongs.

As an example, I have an extreme aversion to tattoos on women. Never in my life have I been lonely enough to even consider touching one. Say I see a woman's profile with a visible tattoo? I don't want to date her. I don't want to hookup with her either. She isn't even fit for donkey shows.

Yes, but if you were to say these women frustrate the heck out of you -- how dare they? Uhhhh, no. You basically say, "Dammit, I wish they wouldn't do that; she'd be so good looking if she didn't have that [giant tattoo | super-short hair | hippie-clothing]." I'm not going to be upset at them, even though there's an aww-shucks when I can also see the natural beauty. I'd be a fool. :)

That said though, I look beyond that and don't have such ixnay killers, necessarily.

I think the OP was more about when women say they don't want hookups, yet usually go ahead and hook up with the type of guys they say they hate... that stuff confuses alot of guys. It used to confuse me as well.

My point is -- one would be the world's biggest fool to take a woman saying she's not into hookups or casual dating anymore on her profile, or when you initially talking from online = That. That would be frustration turning into Erroneous assumption, is my point. It's even worse than being stereotypical. It doesn't even have that. She's going to say that to Sub-Par Sam *AND* Good-Looking Gary.

What you're referring to is something different, OP, from your first post. Where you have a female friend who you like (that's maybe why she's more of a friend than acquaintance; or a friend at all), who's porked around with guys... claims to like Nice Guys... says that to you and complains how men are, blah blah -- then, low and behold, she gets ball-banged by a cute guy the next weekend.... thus, why you're Frustrated.

Essentially that is someone who says one thing and does another. It's Not: Because they say this certain thing, they Will Do Another; you don't have to even look to see, because it's happened before. No. That's what my point is.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 65
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/12/2018 1:55:14 AM
*However, many men do not respect women that sleep with them early

That really is true among some. Isn't it also a risk to turn down someone you want only to watch them walk away muttering, "She's too tough for me."? I'm no expert on how women manage these things but I would imagine that the withholding strategy is a sure winner only for women who either don't like sex or don't care about relationships.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 66
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/19/2018 10:04:44 AM

I don't think I could do that though. Friendzone a guy if he wants a relationship just to get sex and someone to hang.out with but not be in a relationship.

They are the best because they are going to be loyal if they want a relationship.
A relationship doesn't have to be off the table but its much better fwb zoning or not ready zoning a serious guy than mindlessly banging male players. I fwb zoned my ex but he deserved it. It had to end though as it was unhealth and I wanted to get a serious boyfriend. Fwb is a barrier getting a bf obviously.
 Onelionheart
Joined: 5/5/2018
Msg: 67
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/19/2018 12:43:30 PM

julystorm22 I know that for me personally, I'm getting tired of the meaningless hookups. I would like to be considered for more than just a provisioner of sex. I'm tired of getting excited about certain guys I'm talking to, only to realize that they aren't into me as a person. However, I think that if a guy I like starts showering me with compliments, saying things that make me feel good about myself, I might be vulnerable to letting him use me. When you really like a guy and he tries to have sex with you, you are more likely to have sex with him because you are more worried about him walking away from you. However, you sleeping with him earlier may cause him to like you less.


RULE NUMBER 3
In General, men do not marry or be with women, because they provide them with a good or easy sex.

THE FACT IS, MOST OF WOMEN PROVIDE VERY GOOD SEX - and usually do what their men need in bed. So, if a woman thinks she gives especial sex, or doing it to make her man sticks with her, she is so so so naive.

While a woman may have ex with her BF with consent, to make him happy, HER BF thinks differently.

The BF thinks she had sex with him, because she was cheap and would do the same with any other guy, got closer to her. Period.


There are 3 types of women,
***************************


A WOMAN you be a friend with:
---------------------------------------
Woman you get along very well with her on intellectual level , however, there are major differences between you and she. For example, she does not want kids, you want kids. She is smoker, you cannot put up with smoking. She has alcohols at home, while you have been sober and cannot tolerate alcohols where you live. marriage will destroy your relationship with her, if you need to have kids.


A WOMAN you ONLY sleep with her :
---------------------------------------------
This woman is good at sex level. However, she had many problems, child support, between jobs, etc. Marriage this woman will make our life hell.


A WOMAN you MARRY and be a mother of your kids:
----------------------------------------------------------------
This woman puts her family and husband first. When it comes to the house, the house is so comfortable for her husband to live in. You can discuss things with her, and feel she really cares, NOT JUST GIVING A REGULAR ADVICE. She loves you, and you love her, and you want the BEST for each other. She has something to give to your kids, and know her rule as a wife and mother.

Unfortunately, I saw many women think giving good sex, will make the BF or even husband stay with them NO and NO and No.

Advice, never EVER give a man sex, and think SEX will him loves you or be with you. If you think so, then you are big dreamer.

SEX controls TRASH MEN ONLY. So if you are looking for TRASH MEN, then good for you.

HAVE NOT YOU SEEN high profile political men had sex with porn workers, but NEVER went with their relationships with them behind this point?

I do not believe in sex before marriage, and think it is better to be the last thing you do with the woman you love, after knowing her very very very very well.

Are not desserts the last thing we provide and eat with our meal?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 68
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/19/2018 1:50:56 PM
The thing is, a man can fall in love with you without you two having sex together. You can wait for years, and some people do!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 69
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/19/2018 11:44:12 PM

The thing is, a man can fall in love with you without you two having sex together. You can wait for years, and some people do!

Yeah, that's how we have stalkers! :) She doesn't want to have sex with him... for years... but he's still in love. Sitting in the tree in her front yard. Yep, some people do! ;)
 Onelionheart
Joined: 5/5/2018
Msg: 70
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/20/2018 9:46:45 AM

She doesn't want to have sex with him... for years... but he's still in love. Sitting in the tree in her front yard. Yep, some people do! ;)


I think you need to rephrase it. HE DOESN'T WANT OT HAVE SEX WITH HER ...FOR YEARS.. BUT SHE IS STILL IN LOVE.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 71
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/20/2018 1:11:16 PM

I think you need to rephrase it. HE DOESN'T WANT OT HAVE SEX WITH HER ...FOR YEARS.. BUT SHE IS STILL IN LOVE.

That's called Crazy for adults. :)

There are 3 types of women,

A WOMAN you be a friend with

A WOMAN you ONLY sleep with her

A WOMAN you MARRY and be a mother of your kids

No, those aren't the only 3 types of situations guys want to be in with a gal. A woman you want to Only sleep with Once (or MAYBE again if horny & low on options)... or a woman you want to be seeing (including sleeping with) but not get serious with. Or a woman you want to be BF/GF with, but you don't want to settle in together and mesh lives completely. Or a woman you do want to settle in together with, marriage or no marriage, but don't want kids with.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 72
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/20/2018 8:02:03 PM
"I still don't get what the actual issue is after reading all these posts.
What is the exact behaviour women are doing that is the issue?"

The issue is that many women spend many years sleeping around , having one night stands, letting men use them and then one one day when they are very used up , make a profile stating they dont want any hook ups or one night stands. Those women who write that though will still have hook ups and one nighters more than anyone else, while hoping that someone will stick around and an amazing relationship will develop.

Unfortunately, men dont want a long term relationship with women that have been around the block more than a few times. So they may date them and have sex with them but wont commit.

its ok to live how you want , and enjoy sex and have your one nighters and orgies or whatever you want, but when you're ready to settle down, no one will want to take you on. You cant blame men for not wanting to either.

Again, if a woman chooses to do that in her life, no problem. Go for it. But she cant expect to have a man commit to her when shes had her fun and wants someone to grow old with.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 73
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/20/2018 8:07:57 PM
I know that for me personally, I'm getting tired of the meaningless hookups. I would like to be considered for more than just a provisioner of sex. I'm tired of getting excited about certain guys I'm talking to, only to realize that they aren't into me as a person. However, I think that if a guy I like starts showering me with compliments, saying things that make me feel good about myself, I might be vulnerable to letting him use me. When you really like a guy and he tries to have sex with you, you are more likely to have sex with him because you are more worried about him walking away from you. However, you sleeping with him earlier may cause him to like you less.


So when you're done letting guys treat you like a disposable sex toy, you want someone to make you his queen?
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 74
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/20/2018 9:00:42 PM
No, I don't hold any illusions. I've never been anyone's queen and probably never will be.

I want what most people want, to be wanted by someone that I want. But I keep going over it in my head and I truly don't believe I will find anyone and I know I won't settle for lacklustre. Until this past year, I had only ever had sex with two guys and 3 more this year. Of the 3 new ones. one was pity sex, one was an attempt at casual onetime sex, and one I had sex with maybe 8 different nights and I really liked him but knew he was not going to ever turn into a relationship because he didn't see me as such. I have discovered that I just don't want to do the casual sex thing but at the same time I doubt anyone will ever want a relationship which leaves only the option of celibacy which i don't want either.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 75
view profile
History
Not looking for hookups anymore
Posted: 9/20/2018 9:21:34 PM
What is lackluster? Do you think maybe you expect too much? Do you have a checklist?
You dont have to resign to a life of celibacy, but I do think that you need to forget all about dating for maybe at least 2 years and only work on making your situation better. You are miserable, so dont expect to draw someone in to either share in misery or to magically change your life for the better.

One thing you mention a lot is your mom resents you living with her, but you also mention shes lonely and it sounds like you avoid her. She has to care if she lets you stay with her, so maybe investing some time to try to fix that relationship can go a long way for both of you. Even if she resists at first doesn't mean you have to give up trying.


you're at the age where you can be friends with your mom.

you mention legal bills . your ex uses legal aid... why dont you? you should qualify.

why not take a couple years and do some online courses to get some diplomas or something that can help you get better jobs?

Diet can affect mood. I dont know what you eat, but lots of sugar and fatty foods can contribute to depression and negative thoughts.


Anyway , I dont know why I bother as people have been giving you advice for a long time and it looks like you never do anything to improve. If you did youd have updates about things you've been doing to better your , and your kids lives. instead its always the same drama about how miserable you are.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Not looking for hookups anymore