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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > I just lost my soulmate.      Home login  
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 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 26
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I just lost my soulmate.Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Sometimes maybe the two people weren't right for each other to begin with but sometimes I think its just too easy for someone to quit trying, thinking there's way more fish in the sea.

I don't think so. You could say that when they're not in a Relationship, but, in the just-dating phase. At the same time, there's no shortage of one chasing the other when they feel that other person is lacking interest after a handful of dates and really like them To make a Relationship when that wasn't a good idea.

I think when In a Relationship, it's that too many people Don't think there's way more fish in the sea, but are "locked in" in a not-so-fruitful Relationship when they should break it off. It's the power of Attachment & Habit.

So many women say "I don't need a man to protect me, I don't need a man to fix broken things, I don't need a man to help pay the bills, I don't need a man to check my oil." Sure women can do these things but letting guys do it makes a man feel needed.

Oh, I highly disagree with this angle. "Honey, I want to pay your bills. I need to feel needed!" LOL. Look, there's plenty of things that's going to go on in each other's lives where the other person can help them out. Pick them up from the car shop if there was some car trouble, clean the garage, mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, etc etc. There's Not any problems out there in relationship-life where one feels there's not enough to do around the house to "feel needed". :)

It's that there's too many things one wishes the other would do, or the person doing it hates it and causes friction, etc.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 27
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 10/30/2018 7:10:10 AM
I was referring to LTR when a couple is already established. But when it comes to paying bills (ie. rent, power, heat, water, etc.) splitting the bill is optimal. I guess I'm just really against kept.husbands/boyfriends.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 28
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 10/30/2018 7:23:40 AM
My first thought was you should have given her one of those key finder gizmos that lets your smartphone locate lost items.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 29
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/4/2018 5:59:42 PM

"I don't need a man to protect me, I don't need a man to fix broken things, I don't need a man to help pay the bills, I don't need a man to check my oil." Sure women can do these things but letting guys do it makes a man feel needed.

Wouldn't that depend on the man?

Not needing a man to fix things or pay bills doesn't have to equate to not needing a man on a emotional level...
and way too many people want to confuse the two when they hear a woman say she "doesn't need a man"
I much prefer to have a man that does things "with" me....and not "for" me...
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 30
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/5/2018 11:48:47 AM
But that in itself might be the problem. Women are more emotionally needy so saying they need a man emotionally is fine. But many men operate on a more concrete level. For many men, they need to feel like "the man" and want to be the provider and protector. This topic has come up on the forums before. A lot of men have said they really don't care how much a woman makes or how strong they are physically, it doesn't come into their considerations for a relationship. Many men prefer what they deem "feminine" qualities. Actually, instead of me saying what men want, I would like to hear from the men on here. Men, would you prefer a woman makes less money than you? Do you like feeling needed in regards to fixing things?

I realize that the answer to this question may vary between urban and rural men. Maybe it depends what your own father did for a living as to what you learned how to do growing up. My dad was a farmer/lumberjack. Most of the men I knew growing up were farmers or miners or railroaders or in the trades. Not too many men I knew growing up worked in offices. For me, I am attracted to men who work with their hands in the resource sector or farming sector or are in the trades and many of those men are fixers/providers/protectors.
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 31
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/5/2018 8:17:57 PM
Msg: 20

Carnival Fishing:

"Another way to describe soulmate is being co-dependent. But the term, soulmate, sounds more mystical and fairy tale-like than saying two people are co-dependent."


Or when two become one. Lines become blurred between where one ends and one begins.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 32
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/5/2018 10:25:14 PM

I was referring to LTR when a couple is already established. But when it comes to paying bills (ie. rent, power, heat, water, etc.) splitting the bill is optimal. I guess I'm just really against kept.husbands/boyfriends.

I disagree...
You weren't referring to splitting the bills among live-in couples being an optimal situation (assuming both are roughly equal on income, I agree). You were referring to men needing to "bring something to the relationship" to "make him feel Needed" for his benefit, like changing her oil & paying (her or greater share of) bills. It was pretty clear it was Not about "men need to do their part". :) That part I very much disagree with, because men are not even in any indirect way crying out that they want to contribute more on that level in a relationship (the crying out would be in the opposite direction). :)

Yes, even among the demographic of men who "work with their hands".

Women are more emotionally needy so saying they need a man emotionally is fine. But many men operate on a more concrete level.

I think society / child-rearing helps create a bulk of it, but there are thankfully plenty of women who are not so emotionally needy. I don't think it's fine for anyone (yes, there are men) to be emotionally needy.

A lot of men have said they really don't care how much a woman makes or how strong they are physically, it doesn't come into their considerations for a relationship.

A lot of men do care on some level that the woman's self-supportive. It's a positive (thus caring) much much more than men who literally don't care if she's not making hardly anything or a lot. There are some who are intimidated if the gal makes and seems that she will always be making more than he -- more than willing to admit, too. And there's also some who would Really like that as a breath of fresh air. I think it's just think there's no real thoughts/expectations beyond a gal being self-supportive (which they do care about, generally speaking).

Many men prefer what they deem "feminine" qualities.

But what are You defining them as? :) Sure, of course pretty much all men like women who are feminine rather than masculine - lol. But if one's defining "feminine" as emotionally needy or isn't very self-supportive -- no, that's not a positive, they don't want that. I don't think one should define "feminine" as that. One can take a particular trait as "feminine" or "masculine" over-board, and the opp-sex isn't going to be a fan of many of them.

Men, would you prefer a woman makes less money than you?

I think "how much less" is the key where obvious preferences come in. For myself, I make good money, so if she made the same or more which would be a lot -- great. I wouldn't feel being in an inferior position as I can support myself many times over. I think some guys will more potentially heed when a girl knowingly has a higher position the work force, or makes a lot more than he -- which in the end, is a weakness. But there's no "universal" social rule, as you point out. And I think that's the point when it comes to things. That's why "Mars / Venus" books are silly. Men vary among men too much, and women vary among women too much to have a basic stereotypical coloring book like that. :)

Do you like feeling needed in regards to fixing things?

Needed? No, I wouldn't say I "Like" that, as how things are. I like being able to help someone (notably a gal) when she Does need it. I Like being able to fix things when needed, within a reason. That said, over time, if something is easy to fix that constantly needs fixing/adjusting, I more Like a gal who can learn to also do that herself. Not much thought in "playing house" tho.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 33
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/6/2018 8:14:16 AM
I personally would prefer a man makes the same as me or more. The one exception would be if he's doing a job he finds rewarding and is enough for him to be self-sufficient on. But a guy that works minimum wage at McDonald's just wouldn't get my love, especially if he's in his 30s. The thing is, I have a lot of respect for hard work and perseverance. A guy with a job like that makes me think he never worked hard enough anywhere and put in the time to get himself better employment. You can achieve better employment by working your way up to it. If, on the other hand, he has his own business, which is struggling, I would have to know what his job history was before this business. Was he ever a good employee or did he just start his own business because he failed to work under anyone else as an employee? What a guy does and what his job history was and whether he makes enough to afford his own home is important.

Note, at 24 the above was not important to me. I remember it being important to my parents and other grownups (yes, at 24 I still did not see myself as a grownup, lol) but after a relationship which taught me the importance of it, I have changed my tune. There's a reason why when you mention dating someone or you hear some other woman say they are dating so-and-so that any adult over the age of 40 asks "What does he do for a living?" I used to think it didn't matter, that relationships were only built on love but now the fact is that economics is a big factor in making relationships work. Also, when I had kids, I just figured everything would come together. I didn't really understand how important it was for both persons in the relationship to have a good job and financial resources before starting a family. The thing is, I think many people in their mid-20s figure everything will fall into place because they are adults now. So many people in the their late 20s realize that adulthood is a lot harder than they thought. The trouble is that the job market isn't the same. There's a mistaken believe that once you get your university degree you will find a good job in your chosen field and keep that job forever. It's what we are taught but it doesn't often turn out that way. I have 2 degrees which got me jobs but not in my field. I have two brothers, ones with the equivalent of an MBA and he was not able to find employment direct;y related to his degree, he now works in the same place as me as an office assistant and he's 32, he wasted about 8 years working on the bottom rung of an insurance company in a cubicle before he couldn't do it anymore. My youngest brother bypassed university, opting to get into trucking and was making 6 figures at the age of 20.

When it comes to fixing things, I'm actually capable of fixing a lot. I grew up a tomboy on a farm. I don't know stuff about cars though and what I want a guy for is to talk to mechanics and automotive people for me. They often talk down to me or seem to talk to me a certain way that they don't talk to men I believe. I am naturally shy around men and those guys intimidate me more than anyone else. 6 months after my one wiper broke, I still haven't gone in to get the guy at Canadian Tire to help me with putting another one on. I did manage to go get two tires switched at the tire shop but luckily I only had to deal with the lady at the front counter. Last time I went to get my oil changed they told me I needed something done with something and I agreed because I felt dumb and it cost me $50 but then when I was talking to my brother later he told me I got hosed. Speaking of, I guess I should just see if my brother can put my wiper on, he's always so busy though what with work and 5 kids, I hesitate to ask him to help me with things. The other brother with an MBA just always goes to a shop and pays to get things done.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 34
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/6/2018 5:10:51 PM
I sure as heck need a man for all the fixing things and everything else listed above. If my brother weren't around I'd be screwed.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 35
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/6/2018 6:42:26 PM

What a guy does and what his job history was and whether he makes enough to afford his own home is important.


What are you bringing to the table? In my opinion, it sounds like you're looking for someone who can rescue you from your current situation.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 36
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/6/2018 9:45:54 PM
Judging by July's posts, she brings many positives to the table such as kind, caring, good job, likes to cook & enjoys sex. July does have a lot of baggage, more than most her age (just judging by posting history), but good luck meeting a person who doesn't have any unless you're dating people fresh out of high school or those who have no dating/relationship experience at all. The latter sounds like a liability as well.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 37
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/6/2018 10:12:09 PM
I'm not looking to be rescued. What I'm looking for is to not be in my prior situation with someone who is a dead weight.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 38
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/7/2018 8:10:28 AM
^^But are you willing to take your time and date someone for a while, to really know what the guy is like-in good times and in bad, before declaring you found the One? It seems like at the moment, the only qualification the guy needs is for you to find him physically attractive. Everybody wants to find someone who they consider physically attractive-but there is more to it when looking for a relationship.
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 39
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/8/2018 8:15:32 PM
"Another way to describe soulmate is being co-dependent. But the term, soulmate, sounds more mystical and fairy tale-like than saying two people are co-dependent."


Or...two puzzle pieces whose curves and edges have worn and melded over time to where you can't discern where one begins and one ends any longer.

We are all co-dependent. Human beings are social animals, after all. :)
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 40
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/9/2018 8:46:35 AM
What if your soul mate lives in another country
or a bog and you never meet them?

Best to meet someone you like (who likes you)
and hope they turn into someone you'd eventually
refer to as your "soul mate".
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 41
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/9/2018 3:46:47 PM
^I agree. I think it is incredibly rare to be blessed to have a soulmate in this life.

Best most of us can hope for is to be with someone who we are happy enough with.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 42
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/9/2018 5:07:55 PM
When two people meet, and there's instant chemistry, is that a phase leading to soul matedom? The problem with OLD and the net is, everybody is after instant, ready made soul mates, within micro-seconds. It takes some people a while to figure out real life doesn't work that way-especially young people, who don't realize that there is a world outside of their smart phone.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 43
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/9/2018 5:35:48 PM
soulmates-provide soul lessons-come in all shapes and sizes-all walks of life-keeping eyes open for all-and ears open to hear-will offer you the lessons provided through millions of encounters throughout one life-i would dare say mechanics are one of july's soul mates-you tube a video on replacing wiper blades on your make-model vehicle
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 44
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/11/2018 12:33:49 AM
36
July does have a lot of baggage, more than most her age(just judging by posting history)

siisaa this is something i would expect Mr. 2or3dates to say. Maybe because your in healthcare you may have aquired this knowledge but I am damn curious about that quote.

How do you know how much baggage women her age have that you could say she has more?

Can you define her baggage?

I only see one piece of luggage and everything else revolves around it. It's the suitcase that doesn't pay child support.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 45
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/11/2018 8:18:21 AM
Most of my baggage can be traced to my former relationship. I picked the wrong guy and got screwed because of it. The emotional baggage is easier to get over than the financial baggage. I see a lot of other single mothers around me and they were almost all lucky enough or smart enough to have had a relationship with someone who was employed throughout their relationship. My ex is still not working, he's still trying to get disbaility from shooting his leg after a hunting accident and his girlfriend stated in a custody affadavit that she is happy to be the breadwinner in their relationship. Technically, in Manitoba, they have to be living together for two years before they are recognized as commonlaw by the government, so she is not yet liable for his child support payments. So I have to pay off all our accumulated debts on my own to improve my credit score and pay all expenses related to the kids on my own because I can't get child support plus because he tried to claim benefits for the kids, they froze my benefits so I'm missing out on a third of my income right now. In addition, I also have to pay growing lawyer bills because he keeps pushing for sole custody while getting legal aid, despite various reports about him, and his leaving the province to live showing he has no legal leg to stand on.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 46
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/11/2018 8:53:19 AM
It's too bad we'll never hear his side of the story, because like the saying goes: There's 3 sides to every story-his, hers, and the truth. You blame your ex for your baggage, but you CHOSE to live with him for 9 years, and you CHOSE to have 3 kids with him. You are just as responsible for your baggage as he is. He actually did you a favor by leaving.
You can now look for Mr.Perfect.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 47
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/11/2018 12:39:24 PM
But I can't look for Mr. Perfect. That's my whole issue with this. I basically am the one holding the baggage. He has no lawyer bills because he has legal aid and he got my government benefits frozen in an effort to keep me from affording a lawyer. Luckily my dad had a personal connection that got a lawyer willing to represent me without a deposit. I am still angry that my ex gets away scot-free. It's not fair, I wish I should just forget about that, quit feeling so mad about it but it keeps getting rubbed in my face. I cannot understand how it is is he has a beautiful thin blonde girlfriend, lives on a nice acreage and doesn't even have a job. My custody hearing is on Tuesday so I've been re-reading all the documents this week and I prepared a response to their affadavits (he and his girlfriend each did one full of twisted half-truths) with my lawyer so all these things are bugging me at the moment. My lawyer was denied a request for my ex's girlfriend's financial statements and I suspect he's dealing drugs or something because his own financial statement shows he's been unemployed for 6 months and I know his girlfriend has a job that is not likely to support their lifestyle.

I know you only get my side of this so you probably suspect I'm making all this crap up. I'm not though, I wish I was.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 48
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/11/2018 7:29:16 PM
You are living life-pitfalls etc-Can't is your choice!! Argue for your limitations and they are there! Faith knocked on the door, fear answered, and mr. perfect had gone- left A white feather with the card "I can't"on one side "choose one" on the other attached to it.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 49
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/11/2018 10:54:33 PM
45
Most of my baggage can be traced to my former relationship.

And that's why I called him your suitcase.


The emotional baggage is easier to get over than the financial baggage.

I don't see finances as baggage. If you were to meet that someone your money problems would lessen as in you only have to pay half the rent and bills which would improve your situation. When I was growing up in the 60's single mothers were disapproved of and treated as outcasts by some. My mom was a single mother and in 1964 we were 11, 5 and 3 living on welfare and grew up that way. That was the year my mother met the first boyfriend I remember who she broke up with in 1967. In 1969 she met someone else who she was with until he passed away in the 90's. He was always over but they technically didn't live together so we could still collect welfare. My mom was no dummy and figured it was best so we could still collect welfare because if they broke up it would screw up our lives financially screw up our lives. He never supported us in any way though he often bought take out which we couldn't afford. How did she manage to meet them? Saskatoon had 90,000 to a 100,000 which gave her better a better opportunity then you have. As I said before there might be 50.000 people living within an hour of you.

Finances aren't baggage because even married couples can have money problems. If you were to meet that special someone he wouldn't consider it baggage either.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 50
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I just lost my soulmate.
Posted: 11/11/2018 11:05:25 PM
46
It's too bad we'll never hear his side of the story, because like the saying goes: There's 3 sides to every story-his, hers, and the truth.

Did you think of that all on your own or did your cat help you? Damn I wish you were American since they have about a 1 in 300 chance of being murdered.

47
I know you only get my side of this so you probably suspect I'm making all this crap up. I'm not though, I wish I was.

July the forums are my main distraction and i read a lot of it. Your story has been consistent from the beginning unlike someone else who shares so much.
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