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 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 26
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Learning how to be happy alonePage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
^^^^^ I have to agree with the above two posts for the most part. with more important issues at the present, dating anyone will surely complicate things farther. get your house in order before inviting guests over. that's not to say things need to be perfect, just get a better grip on things before adding new issues. with a few steps in the right direction, maybe a friend for 'date night' but that needs to remain lower on your priorities. when you have your shit together and don't need a man, men will be more attracted to you.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 27
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 8:46:34 AM


You just have to realize that it's a choice to be lonely

Don't be ridiculous. Loneliness is an emotion and you don't choose your emotions

Yes, you do. Everyday.
Maybe take baby steps here and learn to control your reaction to your emotion.
For instance, when you're angry do you go out and beat up someone? Run your car over a living creature?
No (well, I hope you don't)... you control it.
When you control your emotions, you can let them go.
When you let them go, you choose what emotion to put in its place.
When you know you can choose your emotion, you start doing it consciously every morning when you wake up.
After a long while, you wake up with the emotion you have chosen.

Choosing emotions. Simply a habit.



My question to you is, how do you manage to be happy being alone?

July you're asking the wrong question. This is the question that applies to you.
"How do you keep from becoming unhappy when you're alone?"

I knew you were unhappy and lonely when you first came to the forums and of course it extends back into that relationship with IT. Do you have any idea how long this loneliness has been going on? I don't need to know the answer, it's just something for you to think about.

Or maybe the question should be, "What keeps me from being happy?"


Are you talking about accepting loneliness or being alone? Doesn't matter since loneliness is negative emotion which is a result of being alone. Accepting that you'll be alone will not vanquish loneliness.

Being alone rarely has anything to do with being lonely.
Loneliness is not a result of being alone (actually, I consider contentment is a result of being alone).

Loneliness is a result of not feeling cared for, understood, valued, heard.


I've attempted making girlfriends here but no one is interested in being my friend. Believe me, this loneliness is not a "choice".

Make friends with yourself.
 PinkyAndTheBrain83
Joined: 3/14/2017
Msg: 28
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 9:42:02 AM
I have been where you are before op.
Best thing to do is take care of the stressers and mess first. Focus on getting back on your feet first and settled then start thinking about dating again.
Im the mean time just keep chatting and feel ppl out while going through it. Take things slow without expectation.
Once your settled and happy in your own home and things are done n over with. It feels amazing.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 29
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 10:02:41 AM

Make friends with yourself.


That alone is not a solution for me. I am used to a lot of alone time because I grew up as an only child but once in a while, I would like to hang out with some other people - and being at work does not count. It's not natural for me (or for a great deal of other people) to be fulfilled being completely alone 100% of the time. Once a week or every other week I would like to meet a friend for dinner, lunch, a drink, walk, hike, etc. I don't think that's asking too much.



Do they really make you happy or is it just a distraction from the unhappiness caused by your loneliness that makes you seem happier? When you're involved in those activities isn't your mind concentrating on them leaving you no time to think about your loneliness?


You're right though. Those hobbies I had made mention of were distractions from loneliness. I genuinely enjoy them but once the book closes, I leave the gym or stop writing a short story, reality sets in. To whoever mentioned Ph.D in astrophysics, ha! I do love school, and I am most passionate & driven when in a classroom setting but I still have $26,000 left to pay in school loans from my MSW. That's why I mentioned taking classes at a community center or local community college. I get the same passionate feeling of being in a classroom, learning and being around like-minded people but at a much lower cost.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 30
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 10:20:18 AM
*You should have taken the time to read what July wrote.

I did and that stuff still qualifies as mere activities. If she told us that she was going to swim the English Channel, ride from Vancouver to Halifax or open a cooking school to rival the Cordon Bleu then that would be more like it.

*Oh so you're saying you can control your emotions. Fine tell us what emotion you would use to displace grief or depression.

I'm not saying that. I'm saying that it is possible to displace them. I'm one of those people who is totally lost in emotion. I doubt that I have made a reasoned decision in my life. I have been lucky enough to not be forced to confront serious grief so I have no advice about that. For depression, what seems to work best is obsession with duty.

*When they are involved in an activity they are focusing their minds on the task at hand and making it difficult for loneliness to creep into their thoughts. Only they can confirm it but I believe when their minds are at rest without anything to focus on loneliness returns and becomes stronger the longer their minds are inactive.

I completely agree but in July's case, activities don't seem to be enough. Siissa appears to have a better handle on it. Appearances can be deceiving so I hope that it is true.

*Hopefully I can learn something from the July and siissa.

Yes, you are a smart man. Maybe they will reveal something that you could use. You would spot it right away. Here is to hoping that they do.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 31
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 10:36:19 AM
*To whoever mentioned Ph.D in astrophysics, ha! I do love school, and I am most passionate & driven when in a classroom setting but I still have $26,000 left to pay in school loans from my MSW. That's why I mentioned taking classes at a community center or local community college. I get the same passionate feeling of being in a classroom, learning and being around like-minded people but at a much lower cost.

If you will forgive me for saying so, you are missing the point. Yes, maybe taking classes at your local JC is both fun and thrifty. Still. it is a bit of a step down from getting an MSW for the purposes of displacing a long-term, bad emotion. You see, when there is only one thing that matters in your life then debt or anything else can't matter. It isn't about striking a prudent balance but recklessly throwing yourself overboard. Then again, maybe that sort of thing requires a certain personality type.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 32
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 11:52:46 AM
I think a major cause of feeling lonely is the powerlessness I feel being completely flat-out broke all the time, not being able to afford any of the things I'd like to do or do with my kids or give my kids. And now that summer is fading into fall I can't help wondering how I'm gonna deal with it come winter. Winters here are damn cold and I hate the cold. At least now I can get out of the house when I'm not working and go for walks with the kids and stuff. I walk a lot on lunch breaks. And soccer has been a great uplifter for me. But indoor soccer in the winter is not in my budget now and my kids won't be involved in all their activities like last year which was a social part of my life too. I know its not forever but winter is coming and it sure lasts a long time.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 33
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 7:18:43 PM
I often years between a dating relationship, last was in 2015.
I enjoy my own company, so if im not seeing anyone, i am perfectly ok w/ it. I am just three years older than your mom is July.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 34
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 9:54:45 PM
I think my mom's major problem is lack of friends in her situation. She has a lot of married friends and she says she often feels like the odd one out. Her best friend got married again 8 years ago and their friendship faded over time because her best friend and her husband had a lot of money and would go on vacations and fancy dinners alot and my mom couldn't partake. Its very apparent that people who are in couples are often better off financially. By splitting the bills there is a lot of money left over for recreation and savings. Meanwhile my mom has been single for a lot of years and lives almost paycheque to paycheque. Plus she has us living with her which adds on the burden.
 realtysucks
Joined: 8/25/2018
Msg: 35
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 8/30/2018 10:30:08 PM
In a situation like this

Find hobbies that you may like and stick with them.

The world offers a lot to enjoy where one can escape reality.

However, do not cut your social life off.
 TheEvolutionOfJessi
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 36
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/7/2018 9:07:24 PM
I'm not even gonna get involved with other cases... or point agree/discuss the many other contributions... but will acknowledge their validity...

however, just answering the main question "My question to you is, how do you manage to be happy being alone? Everyone keeps telling me that's what I need to do but I am wondering how they themselves have achieved that?"
(to be honest, your story reminds me a lot of my mother, having children to make her husband be a 'man' and ended up with three of us driving her crazy and being on an 'end of life' quest for 45 years... not healthy for us - so of course, I wasn't a healthy role model for my child until I did a lot of self awareness development [and found some harsh words here in PoF Forums])

so for me, it was a few years ago, I learned the quote " a relationship is not a problem to be solved"... as soon as
'being alone' is labeled a 'bad' thang, it is given a negative connotation - and well, what you feed - grows.
So I threw the idea of 'romantic' relationship out the window - depending on someone for 'happiness' sets any situationship up for failure... and threw myself into choosing to be happy... and yanno what, it's been there along, but just really being polished up now. I'm setting and visualising 'alone' goals... my custom design 'queen single' bed... purchasing the makings for that (and manchester all has to be made to fit - so I'll have to take up serious sewing lessons) - designing my solo cottage when child is off and gone... (realising he'll be independent in about five years and he knows I'm taking steps now to reclaim my autonomy)
I'm re-qualifying for career as I haven't been in "paid" workforce for a decade... and my days and nights are kept busy scribbling note and assignments (it's a tough course - with 65% drop out rate) and further study goals that have to be shaped there... I'm getting down and busy... home educating my son... as local highschools here didn't work for him... (suicide risks) so we get out to 'adventure' stuff...
I'm grateful and happy we don't have to public transport around... my "pink" car just exudes 'happy' anyway...

it's about making a choice to be happy...
and yes, for the last few weeks there has been a fellow 'sniffing' around... and I'm not 'dismissing' an involvement, but also not inviting anything... just being happy about it. (but laordy, when I tell him he has to book my time days in advance... he really needs to listen... cos I have no chance to be spontaneous at the moment...)
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 37
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/12/2018 9:37:23 AM

A relationship is not a problem to me solved

I like that quote and there's a lot of wisdom in it.

I am kind of at a crossroads. I'm still hooking up casually with the one guy occasionally and sharing a few texts every couple days (which we both initiate) but I think I may be losing interest because that's all it is. For the first few months I thought about him constantly and liked him a lot and fantasized about being a couple even though I knew we could only be friends. I never once communicated those feelings for him because he made it clear from the outset that he only wanted to be fwb and did not want or was looking for a relationship. About two weeks ago it suddenly changed for me in my head. Its like a switch flipped. I accepted that we will never be anything more than casual and now I don't have the same interest in our conversations anymore, I fully see him as just a friend now instead of daydreaming about him as a romantic interest. I think I finally just accepted it is just sex and that eventually, probably in the near future I will cease this. I think in the next couple of weeks I will just send him a friend request on Facebook and tell him that I think we should just stay friends but stop sleeping together.

I have learned that I don't really want sex without the romance. I want to date. So casual doesn't really work for me.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 38
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/12/2018 12:04:29 PM
There are plenty of activities you can do that are cheap like picnics and walks in the forest and at the beach. Try new things to keep it interesting like games and such.

I terms of loneliness pretty much the only way to fight it is kinda distraction. When I was single for 4 years I felt lonely quite a bit but new hobbies
and activities did help. Ultimately I found someone though so it's much better now.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 39
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/16/2018 5:11:02 PM
^^^^^^
"I terms of loneliness pretty much the only way to fight it is kinda distraction. When I was single for 4 years I felt lonely quite a bit but new hobbies and activities did help."

Distraction is how you keep loneliness at bay. If you're concentrating on doing something you are too busy to notice your loneliness. However once your mind is at rest it can insinuate itself into your thoughts without you even noticing. Anyways I think that's how it would work.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 40
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/29/2018 7:38:41 AM
There is nothing wrong with being single..........it's better than being in a poor relationship, for one thing.

There are advantages to everything, including being single. Get involved in your pastimes/hobbies. Enjoy that you don't have to be on time for a date with anybody, and can just do what you want. Like Cartman says, "whateva whateva, I do what I want"!

Happiness is a state of mind. You won't be happy with someone else until you can be happy by yourself.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 41
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/29/2018 9:11:29 AM
I was in a bad relationship but I sometimes wonder if even being in a bad relationship is better than the single mess I'm in. I don't like living at my mom's, I don't like having to rely on family for childcare and housing, I don't like the legal costs and battles, I don't like the lack of sex, I don't like the fact that I'm even more broke now, I don't like dealing with my ex and his girlfriend and I don't like that I have no one to share any of the responsibilities with the kids with and I don't like the loneliness and the despair in wondering if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was lonely and unhappy in my relationship and I did 80% of the household tasks, 80% of the childcare, 80% of the employment, but just having someone shoulder 20% of things was better. Even if he was extremely verbally abusive and lazy and had anger issues.
 Onelionheart
Joined: 5/5/2018
Msg: 42
Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/29/2018 9:41:14 AM

julystorm22
I was in a bad relationship but I sometimes wonder if even being in a bad relationship is better than the single mess I'm in. I don't like living at my mom's, I don't like having to rely on family for childcare and housing, I don't like the legal costs and battles, I don't like the lack of sex, I don't like the fact that I'm even more broke now, I don't like dealing with my ex and his girlfriend and I don't like that I have no one to share any of the responsibilities with the kids with and I don't like the loneliness and the despair in wondering if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was lonely and unhappy in my relationship and I did 80% of the household tasks, 80% of the childcare, 80% of the employment, but just having someone shoulder 20% of things was better. Even if he was extremely verbally abusive and lazy and had anger issues.


You think a lot, that is positive. You are in the process of reformation, and you will be much better.

Can I ask you couple of questions?

How old your kids are?

Do you have a biological male brother, you can get along with?
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 43
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/29/2018 10:55:46 AM
My kids are all under 10 and yes they do have my brother who is single and who they are close too. Having a good male role model is important I know.
 Onelionheart
Joined: 5/5/2018
Msg: 44
Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/29/2018 11:18:48 AM
What you said was very justifiable and understandable. You seemed like in a trap between mixed feelings and do not know how to settle things in a balance. Although having kids is great, they are a huge responsibility. Working as a mom and dad for 3 kids is so hard for a couple, so I can imagine how tough it is for a single mother.

One more question and I am gonna give you my solution

If the time goes back, would you still have children at all?
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 45
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/29/2018 2:17:39 PM
Yes, I would. Even knowing the bad staff that would come. My kids are worth that sacrifice.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 46
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/29/2018 5:38:38 PM
The fact you even entertain the notion that a bad relationship is better than being single....
shows not only that you need far more counseling...
but you are only concerned with yourself and not your children ...
SOS was right in this case.....It's all about YOU....
and that is a frikken shame for your children.

I highly suggest you speak to your physician and let them get you set up with a therapist....
You are on a direct path to self destruction...and dragging your kids right down with you.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 47
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/30/2018 1:30:19 AM

Sometimes wonder if even being in a bad relationship is better than the single mess I'm in...
Even if he was extremely verbally abusive and lazy and had anger issues.

The bad relationship caused the mess you are in. I don't think getting another bad relationship or maintaining that bad relationship is adaptive.
Is there any service that offers some kind of assistance that would help you?
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 48
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/30/2018 6:13:13 AM
I'm not saying I would ever go back to him or get with someone else with those problems. I'm just saying that I don't regret having my kids and the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. In some ways I'm happier but in other ways not so much. It basically comes down to not getting to enjoy being single because I'm living in my mom's house and she resents having us here. I really wish I could afford to move out. Once I'm in a place of my own things will definitely improve on the happiness front. I'm just frustrated right now because I get to make very little decisions at home and she is constantly interjecting with the kids and we disagree about everything. At lest when I was with my ex I had the freedom of living in my own home with my own rules and I could do what I want and my kids and me could relax. My mom is just such a nagging person, she was that way when I was growing up and I love her but we need space from each other.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 49
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Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/30/2018 7:26:34 AM
You do realize that moving into your own place is not going to change the feelings of lonliness...or the fact that you will be broke....or still dealing with your ex and his girlfriend... and still not getting regular sex.
You will will have more responsibilites when it comes to your children because you won't have a built in babysitter...making it even harder to date.

It is only "a mess" because of your frame of mind....
most women that get out of an abusive relationship are happy to be away from it...
Where you seem to just want to waller in the misery you "think" you are in...

I love this quote...."Sometimes when you are in a dark place you think you have been buried - but actually you have been planted"
Learn to "Bloom where you are planted"....just like that dandelion you see growing in the crack in a road...
 Onelionheart
Joined: 5/5/2018
Msg: 50
Learning how to be happy alone
Posted: 9/30/2018 8:10:56 AM

At lest when I was with my ex I had the freedom of living in my own home with my own rules and I could do what I want and my kids and me could relax. My mom is just such a nagging person, she was that way when I was growing up and I love her but we need space from each other.


Most women who left the father of their kids, hoping to start over with a new guy, ended up with players or being single mothers.

That is why I said before, a woman should rethink a lot before having unsafe sex with a man. This man it is not easily to leave anymore. Few men around the world are willing to raise another man's cubs. Moreover, all your problems, are typical problems of a single mom. There are nothing new about them. I am just wondering, if you are suffering a lot like that, how would you be able to bring happiness to the kids?

Try to search it on Youtube, "Do not date a single mom". Why on earth should a man date a woman, puts him second in her life?

On the other hand, As you liked to control the house with your ex, do not you think your mom has the right to setup the rules in her own house as well?

Checking with a therapist is important. However, if you can reason with your EX and reconcile, I think that is the BEST SOLUTION. YOU GUYS CAN TRY A FAMILY COUNSELOR. If it worked, then get married, but do not forget to post the pics of the happy couples.

***********************************************************************************************************************
Your kids need a dad. I have seen a lot of damaged women here. Look at alive example in the front of you, this RACIST KID whom is experienced with SEX for 10 YEARS of her, since age 16. 10 years or less men use see her as NOTHING, but SEX OBJECTIVE, Are you looking for having your kids to face the same destiny or rising them up RACIST?
**********************************************************************************************************************

Any kid needs to see his mom and dad together. S/he sees how the parents communicate, and solve their problems. The get advice from their dads sometimes, and from their mom's another time. They see a man and woman in the house, rather a mom giving a bad mouth about their father and vice versa.

I know you want your kids to be the best, kids needs DAD and MOM. They need to see the passion of their moms, and wisdom of their dad. No human being can be a mom and dad, unless the LORD Almighty gifted him/her.

How can your kids understand the term "Family", if they did not grow up in a family?

I asked a someone before, why she started to date, while she was a teen, it was because of her lacking for a kindness of a dad and love in the family. Look at all of this WOMEN who work in porn industry, or have miserable relationships, all of them came from DAMAGED families.

No MAN is going to love your kids, such as Their BIOLOGICAL father.

However, if you do not want to go back to her EX, for your KIDS' interest, then considering living with your mom is a good choice. At least, you are living with a person who cares about you, and NOBODY HERE LOVES YOU LIKE HER. If you have disagreement with her, discuss it with her. She loves you, and things are going to change for the better.

Take your mom as the HELPER, rather the problem.

I have also noticed, there is no mentioning for your FATHER in your writing. Whatever the reason was, I hope you do not repeat the same mistake with your kids.
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