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 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 351
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or failsPage 15 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

Let's hear your story.


Ms Mickie was kind enough to provide a few details.
My story is in the Forums, told and retold over the past 8 years. I speak from my personal experience.
I don't need to spoon feed anyone.

Maybe July will learn something from it.


IMHO, July has no desire to learn. Why should she? She gets a lot of mileage from working her "story".


What do you think? Put up or shut up?


LOL, I think.........….I did "put up", but I'm just an old woman, "rankled", by July's optimism. ( what a crock of shit) ……………...No one tells me to "shut up".
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 352
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/18/2018 4:23:35 PM

You worked two jobs, went to abuse counseling, became an abuse counselor & put yourself through college. You FIXED your choices in men, and became self sufficient


... He almost killed you ~ but you became stronger ...
... Not only that but, you retained your sweet personality and zest for life ! You have much to be proud of sweetheart, I for one, am honored to read your words & to be your friend .

... heart / sun
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 353
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/18/2018 6:37:43 PM
Thanks 2UFO and Backcreek....
my story is not much different than a lot of women's stories...
as I have tried to tell July....

I chose to not let those days define me...
I chose, instead of being a victim....to be a survivor.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 354
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/18/2018 8:09:04 PM

I chose to not let those days define me, I chose ( instead of being a victim ) > to be a survivor


^^^ Your welcome hun, but it is I who wish to thank you ... The example you set, is a fine blue-print for all women to follow ~ your story is one of overcoming oppression & violence > while rising above, unbearable hardship. Truly, your soul shines bright & true, your determination gives hope to all women under tough circumstances.

^^^ speaking of " soul " here is a song for you sweet ^^^

*lyrics - " Let your soul shine, it's better then sunshine ..
............... It's better then moonshine, damn sure better then rain ..
............... Yeah, now people don't mind, we all get this way sometimes ..
............... You've got to let your soul shine, shine til' the break of day ..

LET YOUR SOUL SHINE by The Allman Brothers
> turn it up ^
heart/ sun
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 355
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/18/2018 8:40:55 PM
.
.
.
..... SOULSHINE
~ both men & women ~ let your spirit take control ~

" Sometimes a man can feel emptyness, like a woman robbed him of his very soul ..
.. A WOMAN too, God knows she can feel like this ..
.. And when your world seems cold, you got to let your spirit take control " ..

.. guitar >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



rip Duane ( heart / sun )
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 356
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/18/2018 10:05:00 PM

I chose to not let those days define me...
I chose, instead of being a victim....to be a survivor.


How old were you when you chose to see yourself as a survivor instead of a victim? Everyone navigates through trauma differently and at different paces. To be fair, you are 20 years July's senior. When you were 35, were you at the same mental, emotional, psychological headspace you are now regarding your previous abuse & trauma? Let's not hold others to a higher standard to that we hold ourselves.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 357
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 1:15:47 AM
^^^
I was younger than July and also had three children. I didn't have any education to rely on or family to help me. People make choices. They wallow in self pity and take those around them down with them or they choose to not only survive but flourish.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 358
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 4:02:03 AM
I was also younger than July when this occurred....
the gruesome details are not the point....

the point.....is one should take the time to heal themselves before moving forward with another man.
July has not done this.
She is hoping a man fixes all her problems for her...
A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 5:19:44 AM

I was younger than July and also had three children. I didn't have any education to rely on or family to help me. People make choices.

I had two children, I was at least employed, doing the exact same job as July at the time.


the point.....is one should take the time to heal themselves before moving forward with another man.
July has not done this.

Yep, doesn't work! I met someone within a month of my marriage ending. Such a different man from the one I was used to. I was married to an abusive alcoholic, I won't get into the details, to early to relive the nightmare. This new man was so sweet and kind, we fell hard and we fell fast for one another. It seemed to me that I went to bed with one life and woke up with a completely different one, and I could never
quite wrap my mind around that. Needless to say, after two years of trying, it just didn't work. He sat me down one day and said, " I don't want to leave, I have to leave". I hadn't even started to process what I had been through with my marriage break up and now I had to process this.

When I look back on this time, I now realize, there was NO way this relationship would have worked. No matter how much we both wanted it to. Part of me was still living with that abusive alcoholic because I hadn't got the help I needed. Another man couldn't fix me, only I could do that!

Some may think we are picking on July, I see it more as, giving her the benefit of our experience.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 360
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 6:46:44 AM
I hear what your saying and I'm glad you finally told me your experiences. I just know so many examples of people that moved on after a split like mine and live good happy lives with someone new. I want that too.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 361
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 7:18:42 AM
^^^^You can say what you want about pseudo psychiatrists and people not knowing
what they're talking about, but people learn through their experiences. Many people
have been through what you're going through and have made it to the other side.
They are trying to tell you how they did it. For the most part, outside help was part
of it...ie...talking to someone, going to therapy... cleaning out their closet before they
filled it with new stuff.

You seem to know what you're doing wrong, but you're unable to do anything but
talk about it and make excuses about why things can't change now. It's all about
small steps..and taking the first one which is sometimes a giant step. I think you
enjoy your time in here...and I get that.

But, if you're going to come here and share your problems and then disregard
the insight and expertise of the woman who came before you, aren't you just
wasting time? And if you're just wasting time...wouldn't it be better spent doing
something else?

PS...people that react with rage and anger to certain posts, have notoriously been shown
to have issues within their own lives. I can't be bothered to respond to them...hopefully
they'll pull themselves out of their own mother issues or whatever and get help and find
some sort of peace someday.
 Rumours
Joined: 6/4/2018
Msg: 362
A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 8:12:23 AM
I don't know on giving another advice that you have to heal before you move on is necessarily true....for everyone.
I lived through an abusive marriage...similar to Ms.Mickis and within 6 months of that awful relationship... met the man that was my soulmate.
And I have known others that were quick to rebound....some worked while others didn't.
Maybe a few need therapy to cope but others just need to talk about it...internalize and do something.

I am a deep thinker normally and worry about the "what ifs"....more so now.
But I also admire others that just "do it" without regard of consequences and maybe that's better than waiting for the perfect one?

Yes, I shake my head at my friend that keeps choosing the same type of man and it seems to always ends up the same.
But she has that short term feeling of hope/love for awhile and maybe next time...it will work out for her.
I always support her choice and keep my opinion to myself.
Also.....Not my circus...not my monkey.....lol


I do give advice for my grandchildren however .....Don't have children too fast and make sure "you" are a priority in your s.o. life.
Good love feels good..it shouldn't hurt...
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 363
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 8:40:13 AM

If you're going to come here and share your problems and then disregard the insight and expertise of the women who came before you, aren't you just wasting time? And if your just wasting time... wouldn't it be better spent doing something else?


^^^ excellent post boo !
... I'm sorry, but I always seem to think in terms of songs & lyrics gone by. And here is another Allman Brothers song which reflects what Boo just said. Thank you for putting up with me, I know the music thing gets irritating > but music was my moms FAVORITE thing in life & when I think of it ~ I think of her, thnking of me ( heart / sun )

... lyrics " Last Sunday mornin', the sunshine felt like rain ..
............... The week before, they all seem the same ..
............... With the help of God and true friends, I've come to realize ..
............... I still have two strong legs, and even wings to fly ..
............... So I, ain't waistin' time no more ..
.............. 'Cause time goes by like hurricanes, and faster things..

...I AIN'T WAISTIN' TIME NO MORE by ( The Allman Brothers ~ rip Greg / Duane )
... > turn it up ^
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 364
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 9:32:00 AM
Whats all the "I am ok" with being alone(but secretly looking)? We as humans have progressed to a society where it is almost inevitable we will meet others. The more we meet the more likely we will find someone "good". If someone wants to be alone by choice, that is fine. But the statistics to find someone are more favorable probably than anytime in history, no matter what age.
My father just lost his domestic partner and he turned 80 in June. He is already out cruising the single dances,etc. He has plenty of time to REST when he is dead he tells me.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 365
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/19/2018 8:34:36 PM
Ms. Miki, Boo, Lady in red-Spots- Stratus-Backcreek wonderful input- and inspiring
anybody who is ok with being alone is not secretly looking if on a dating site they are right out in the open looking- what is meant is we are not going to shrivel up or die of loneliness if we do not meet "the one". we want a dessert we have the meal -we aren't looking for a meal!
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 366
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 10:02:21 AM
Sometimes we complain about a situation that doesn't solve all of our problems...yet if it wasn't giving us something we desire, we wouldn't suffer to be in it.

some people mature at different rates. we can look at a mistake someone is making, recognize it as a mistake we made, and rail against it...and while our ages may not have been the same, our maturity levels were. interestingly, what we loath the most, is people making the mistakes we are intimately aware of.

some people handle what life is thrown at them quickly, only b/c they have no other choice. there is no time to mourn what they've lost and hide from their burden. i don't say that to take away from them. just that, some of us are strong, and some of us fail to recognize our heroism b/c we couldn't see there was some alternative way to take the easy path. as animals, we all tend to gravitate towards pleasure and away from pain

"She is hoping a man fixes all her problems for her..."

>>>for too many, change comes only when they've reached an age where they realize...there is no other alternative than to do things the hard way. so long as we think there will be a "daddy" or a "knight in shining armour" or a mother figure or whatever else to put up with us, we'll take that easy path. just like addicts have to hit some kind of rock bottom to realize their way of handling life, isn't a solution that works.

"We as humans have progressed to a society where it is almost inevitable we will meet others."

>>>in a form, yes. we "meet" people online, but is that a real connection? if we meet someone, but text them thru-out the relationship, how real or how strong is that relationship? if you ride the NYC subway, what real connection do you feel with all those thousands pressed up against you? :)

"The more we meet the more likely we will find someone "good"."

>>>if we go to a church, yes :) of course, we also have to provide those good people, someone good to date. and in many places, its still the social burden on the man to make things escalate.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 367
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 10:25:54 AM
It is the human condition to wait on a parent figure, yet failure to heed our parents or elders advice indicates
offense from correction, rather than, happily with no grumbling heeding such.- even christianity is waiting on christ's return to fix the "escalated" human issues-failing to understand the translation dominion-accurately means good shepherds not power and domination-which is explicated in the fact that 2000 yrs with good parental advice(for those choosing it), has resulted in current condition-the twisting pleasing ear sounds- much nicer to hear rule over and subdue than do the hard work and be patient with the home provided us.. (look at big agri-i am sure christians are among them-do they ever practice jubilee allowing soil to rest and compost naturally to become enriched? that is just one example-the advice is there-even native american wisdom was quashed by christianity as savages- and their spirituality was indeed based on good shepherding and sustainability)
The churches in my area have single males in the 4-14 year age bracket and those by the college are still, all though men, way below my preferred age bracket and myself over theirs, as most young single church goers desire a family- lol and not my cup of tea. BTW not all congregations are all good people.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 368
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 10:50:00 AM
The way to find a good partner is to be a good partner. Like seeks like, when understand that you will understand why you have been messing up. It might seem like a 'good' person gets stuck with a bad match, that is because we don't see the inner workings, because they are feeding off each other. Until you get real help from someone qualified to help you, and it won't be easy work, you are going to end just where you are now. All those ah-ha! moments you have been having are not what is going to help you change, because you do not know how to change.
There are so many things and people to damage, things and people you can never fix, and some pretty awful diseases to get and pass on...walking around running into walls and making cracks about people who say things you don't like, is it worth it? You have a reputation, especially in a small town, so like seeking like is even more of a problem. But the biggest, the most important job in your life is that you are teaching your children how to let others treat you, and how to treat others.
It's not about should you have sex, or date, etc., it's about knowing how to respect yourself so that you can get to where you want to be.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 369
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 12:49:48 PM


We as humans have progressed to a society where it is almost inevitable we will meet others.

[>>>in a form, yes. we "meet" people online, but is that a real connection?


It probably isn't a real connection unless both are open to allowing it to be a connection.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 370
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 1:23:51 PM

it's about knowing how to respect yourself so that you can get to where you want to be.

Disagree. That would make matters worse. There is nothing more tedious or unlikable than a woman that goes around respecting herself.

Her best chance of getting what she wants is to set her sights on older men. In her age group and considering what she wants, there aren't apt to be many men who can relate to her. They have no experience with that kind of relationship and many have never seen it. Older men would also be more likely to be patient with her.

By older, I don't mean a couple of years. Ten or maybe fifteen would be ballpark.
 Noftheborder
Joined: 10/4/2018
Msg: 371
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 2:43:48 PM

it's about knowing how to respect yourself so that you can get to where you want to be.



Disagree. That would make matters worse. There is nothing more tedious or unlikable than a woman that goes around respecting herself.


Sometimes it's difficult to tell if someone is being facetious in these forums but the second quote above made me laugh. Now if it was a serious comment, I'd certainly like to have an explanation of why a woman respecting herself is tedious and unlikable. Does that mean a woman who disrespects herself isn't tedious and is likeable? Isn't that how a lot of women run into problems in the first place? As for older men being more patient, patient about what - sticking around while a woman learns to respect herself? For every woman who has three children from a broken relationship, there is a man who is a father of three children from a broken relationship, so I'm assuming there's a lot to relate to as far as circumstances go, just probably not as many men who want to jump all in as quickly as some women, particularly those who haven't taken the time to learn to respect themselves after having lived a number of years of being disrespected (read lowered self-esteem from bad relationships).
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 372
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 4:45:12 PM

Disagree. That would make matters worse. There is nothing more tedious or unlikable than a woman that goes around respecting herself.


WTF is that suppose to mean?
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 373
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 5:07:15 PM
Probably that she’s not going to be as easy of a lay as he might hope
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 374
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 5:48:49 PM

Probably that she’s not going to be as easy of a lay as he might hope


It saddens me to see this kind of remark from you of all people. In my opinion, you are easily the best example of how young women should think and operate who posts on this forum. I doubt very much that you would let me into your pants.

July is way too young to be a combative old bag stuck in the 1970s. You know as well as I do that daytime tv garbage psychology doesn't work anymore. It's dead. You know it but the biddies don't.

You also impress me as person with a good amount of empathy and understanding. They want her to be undatable. I recommended something that might work for her. Disagree and I can respect that. Maybe even endorse it because you know better what she faces. A reflexive dismissal is beneath you.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 375
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 11/20/2018 6:22:40 PM
Someone's true colors just came shining through!

still waiting on a reasonable explanation for the comment about women respecting themselves...........
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