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 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 76
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or failsPage 4 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
It's good that some people like you are content to be alone. Many of the rest of us aren't. Being alone sucks. There's a reason there are so many online dating sites with high memberships.
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 77
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 9:24:53 AM

You fail to realise that not everyone thinks like you do.

Which is precisely why I had included the disclaimer "Just my opinions. Your mileage may vary." in Msg 71.

Stop by a Retirement Home and speak to someone who gets no visitors, and ask him/her what his regret(s) in life were.
Often, it would be that he formed no close/lasting relationships.
Or that he had no family or kids.
Or that he spent too much time at work and not focusing on his family.

Our youth, health and vitality will not last forever.

Just some food for thought.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 78
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 9:33:12 AM
Exactly. I spend a lot of time with people in their dying days. It kind of imprinted in me some real outlooks on love and loneliness. The elderly who are happy are the ones surrounded by grandchildren or nieces/nephews. My parents split when I was 12 and it was very messy split, left me cynical about love. However, these past several years working at this job has made be fairly hopeful about love.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 79
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 9:47:37 AM
of course, there's also the age issue. some men dated girls who wanted drama, got sick of that, and think women will be like that forever. some younger people date because they are lonely or need the financial help. some achieved stability when young, and found they had no one to share it with. i grew up around my parents' friends, who were approaching middle age at that time, and they too had the view of, "i have my life the way i like it, why screw with it except for the right person?"
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 80
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 10:01:40 AM
I think financial issues also come to play in this. Some people are able to live a good live, being able to afford everything they want and need, as single people. The reality for many people though who don't make enough, is that if you live on a single income, its difficult to save money and difficult to afford recreational things like vacations and home renovations and stuff. If you were lucky enough to buy a home when prices were more reasonable, you are putting money into your mortgage, building your own equity which puts you in a much better position for retirement. But things like divorce and illness really throw bestlaid plans into chaos. My mom was in good shape 8 years ago but then she got cancer and ended up in extreme debt after a couple of years. Now she watches all her coupled up friends do things like retire early or buy cabins at the lake or go to Cuba for a holiday. If she had been married and got cancer then her spouse's income could of kept her from maxing out credit cards to pay the bills.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 81
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 10:02:25 AM

But natural and worthwhile are not the same things. Reading isn't a natural thing to do. Neither is painting, snowboarding nor coding. Nobody suggests we abandon any of those.

Actually, something like reading is a natural thing to do when the tools are laid out in front of everyone. One can't say "Well, there's things that aren't natural to do when living barefoot in the woods, so, therefore anything not natural that has any positives to it is what we should be doing. Like Reading."

Monogamy is natural to some degree, but so is porking others, especially when the (monogamous) relationship isn't so great and you still have your hormones flowing.

I think one of the problems is that society pushes one to be in a serious Relationship. That one's life is too 'empty' or 'shallow' if they're not in one for too long. It's peer-pressure, plain and simple. Combine that with Attachment that can lock us in from breaking up even though the relationship's not ideal, and yeah, pure monogamy over time becomes difficult.

men need to do more of the "emotional labor" in a relationship--the work that goes into sustaining love, which usually falls to women.

I really don't see Relationships throughout all of society being the same. Like the silly Mars/Venus books, no, it's not that the guy comes home with his hard-hat on, and the woman cooks & cleans, tends to the kids & all the emotional support for the guy, while he brings in the money. One could say there's too many relationships that are too close to that, which would be a good criticism.

I just think there should be a 'push' of sorts that women need to be more emotionally independent and 'tougher', and guys need to be more emotionally in-touch with themselves and others and that that's not a weakness. Many people are just fine in these regards, but I think there's still too many people who at least lean in the opposite direction out of 'tradition'.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 82
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 11:35:41 AM
"Stop by a Retirement Home and speak to someone who gets no visitors, and ask him/her what his regret(s) in life were.
Often, it would be that he formed no close/lasting relationships.

Or that he spent too much time at work and not focusing on his family."

FYI. Not everyone thinks or feels like you do.

"Often, it would be that he formed no close/lasting relationships."

People can make many and close relationship but when those people die, those people better be able to enjoy their own company.

"Or that he had no family or kids."

My family has been deceased for many years. Never wanted children, and don't regret that decision.
I am never lonely or bored. Mind I have many close friends. You know - friends are the family we get to pic for ourselves.

"Or that he spent too much time at work and not focusing on his family."

"The elderly who are happy are the ones surrounded by grandchildren or nieces/nephews."
I enjoyed every moment of my career. Wouldn't have ever changed it.

Not necessarily true. I know plenty of elderly people who have large families that rarely come and spend time with them. I actually feel sorry for some I see who have never developed their interests past family.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 83
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 12:30:19 PM


when things are going real good, a couple will be much happier than a single person can be.

My goodness, the brainwashed masses. There is no way in hell you can possibly be completely happy, unless you are coupled up.

No kidding!
How sad for all those people who CHOOSE to be unhappy because they think they NEED someone else to be happy.

Top 10 Regrets... (from https://www.thedailypositive.com/top-10-regrets-dying/)
1. I never pursued my dreams and aspirations.
2. I worked too much and never made time for my family.
3. I should have made more time for my friends.
4. I should have said ‘I love you’ a lot more.
5. I should have spoken my mind instead of holding back and resenting things.
6. I should have been the bigger person and resolved my problems.
7. I wish I had children.
8. I should have saved more money for my retirement.
9. Not having the courage to live truthfully.
10. Happiness is a Choice, I wish I knew that earlier.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 84
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 3:56:05 PM

It's good that some people like you are content to be alone. Many of the rest of us aren't. Being alone sucks. There's a reason there are so many online dating sites with high memberships.

First, online memberships aren't strictly to find an LTR. Otherwise, you'd see a Big drop in the level of online dating if it went LTR-or-bust in purpose and users. But yes, it'd still be a market, of course.

Also, just because you're not grounded in an LTR, doesn't mean you're "alone". In fact, some people grounded in an LTR are more alone than many who are very socially active & single. Some folks need to uncondition themselves that not being in a serious relationship has greater loneliness than Being in a serious relationship.

Which has greater or less loneliness of course depends on the relationship itself, how socially active one is who's not, and what life/living situation they're in (ex: having to be a single parent with almost all custody VS no kids at all, big difference).

I can see someone in your position wanting to be in an ideal LTR. With no real room to be that socially active, notably with the opp-sex, along with your fear of swiftly rolling with the opp-sex from the internet -- the idea of a good LTR I can see bringing "completeness" to you. Probably why you still wanted to keep going out with your ex/baby-daddy while also having conflicting feelings about being with him, too.

But not everyone's in Your situation. One's mileage is going to vary a lot, depending on their situation, and how they're emotionally conditioned in life, etc.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 85
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 4:44:19 PM
Top 10 Regrets... (from https://www.thedailypositive.com/top-10-regrets-dying/)
1. I never pursued my dreams and aspirations.

I like playing with computers, and I get paid for doing that. What “dreams and aspirations” was I supposed to pursue?

2. I worked too much and never made time for my family.
3. I should have made more time for my friends.


Anyone with a halfway decent job / career can get by just fine with a 40 hour work week. Barring the commute from hell, that leaves plenty of time for family and friends and recreation.

4. I should have said ‘I love you’ a lot more.

Can’t argue with that.

5. I should have spoken my mind instead of holding back and resenting things.

That ain’t me!

6. I should have been the bigger person and resolved my problems.

Hmmm…. I guess that has to be true, at least now and then, in anyone’s life. But not as a general rule, or all that often.

7. I wish I had children.

The people I know, who chose not to have kids, have not come around to regretting that decision. I do know a few people (pretty much only women) who always intended to, but just never got around to it, so …

8. I should have saved more money for my retirement.

How many people do you know who worked and saved and scrimped, and then dropped dead before they ever got around to enjoying it? Yes, you should put aside something, but for heaven’s sake do a little living, right now, while you’re still able to enjoy it!

9. Not having the courage to live truthfully.

What exactly does that mean, anyway? That they should have “come out of the closet” or ????

10. Happiness is a Choice, I wish I knew that earlier.

Now that is a BS phrase if I ever heard one. Yes, you can choose to work at TRYING to make yourself happy. But that sure doesn’t guarantee success.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 86
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 5:14:52 PM
Oh, Henry...
It wasn't MY list. Simply a list that someone complied of people on the downhill slope of life.

Happiness is most definitely a choice. It's just not appropriate 24/7. Especially when you're dying.
If you're trying to MAKE yourself happy then you're probably doing it wrong.

My biggest regret will probably be:
I didn't get done everything I wanted to do.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 87
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 5:26:23 PM

Men only think that because that is what the media sold them.

People really need to avoid the media in forming who they are.
Though I don't know any men who have ever ready HGB or most other women's literature.



Not anything close to reality.

That's media - nothing close to reality.



Having said that...
There is a way to talk to most men that is very different than talking to most women.
I think everyone should take some sort of sexual bilingual classes.

No specific disagreement really. I only doubt that such a thing would be decisive.

Nothing is decisive by itself but everything combined helps. Or hurts.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 88
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 6:16:57 PM

Some of you women on here, mostly older women their 50s or 60s I might add, are saying things that contradict common knowledge. Do you honestly think you'd be happy with someone shorter or weaker than you or with someone who made less money? You say these things don't matter to you now but did they when you were younger?

Just what common knowledge is this you refer to?

I am completely and totally happy with my man is who is a smidgeon shorter than me....
but I guarantee you his being short has nothing to do with his strength...so there is no "weaker" going on because of it.
As others have stated....I don't need your image of a protector....
A real man doesn't defend with his fists anyways....he defends with his words.

As for money....I have repeatedly stated I don't care how much a man makes as long as he is self sufficient. And yes, I felt that way when I was younger.
Your constant posts stating a man needs to make more than a woman just proves you are far more concerned with being taken care of instead of having a "love" relationship.
Let me let you in on a little secret....I married money. Lots of money. And I walked away from that money. Didn't take a dime even though I was entitled by law to some of it.
So I went from being a very rich, miserable woman....to a very poor, happy and content woman.
I worked my ass off, put myself through school, bought and paid for my own home and lived happily ever after!!
And I love men....and respect them in all their glorious manly attributes and manly ***holeness together!!
I may not "need" one to survive......but I sure as hell love every minute of being with one!
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 89
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 6:55:47 PM
Ms Mickey,,, you are a woman who has a Passion for life, Many of us women on here could learn much from your wise words.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 90
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 8:38:38 PM

Though I don't know any men who have ever ready HGB or most other women's literature.


Think back. You remember. A lot of the guys wanted to be Rick Springfield having a good cry. Those days were pretty weird. They didn't subscribe to women's mags but the girls all talked about them and television for both entertainment and advertising really poured it on. The men went with it. Some to a greater degree than others.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 91
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 9:06:13 PM

Your constant posts stating a man needs to make more than a woman just proves you are far more concerned with being taken care of instead of having a "love" relationship.


It does prove that. Thing is that when push comes to shove most men prefer to bond with someone like that. Oh, for sure, you will constantly hear complaints about gold diggers, dinner whores and what a woman brings to the table but that is all momentary exasperation. Press them a little farther and make them get into specifics and you will find that even these guys want a woman who is submissive and dependent.

That isn't to say that men don't value women of your sort. They absolutely do and greatly but in a slightly different way. More as a trusted colleague than an intimate consort. I think that a lot of men go wrong by picking the consort when they would be much better off with the colleague.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 92
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/29/2018 9:48:27 PM
^^^I mostly agree. not so much "submissive and dependent" but more dependent on each other. each concentrating on their contribution while counting on the other for their part. in the past, the men were the bread winners and the women were home makers. take away the woman and the man couldn't keep it together and get to work, take away the man and she couldn't survive financially. regardless if you love or hate that arrangement, the point isn't about keeping women in the kitchen but that each have an equal but very different task that picks up on the others weakness. every pot needs a lid, if we both have lids for our pots already, why do we need each others?
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 93
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 5:15:17 AM

That isn't to say that men don't value women of your sort. They absolutely do and greatly but in a slightly different way. More as a trusted colleague than an intimate consort. I think that a lot of men go wrong by picking the consort when they would be much better off with the colleague.


I'll stick with a man that treats me as both....not just one or the other....

and Thanks TexasChick....nice to hear that now and then!
I don't think I'm a rarity here tho....lots of women with their own story of thriving after divorce.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 94
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 6:41:51 AM
There's a reason divorce rates for couples where the wife makes more money are skyhigh. There's an inherent power from being the one who makes more. And in my experience it made my ex extremely unhappy and led to the biggest problem in our relationship. Also, other guys do look down on it. It takes a really confident man to be okay with the arrangement. Or it takes a loser who mooches. Maybe its different when you are older and kids are taken out of the picture.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 95
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 7:42:16 AM

There's a reason divorce rates for couples where the wife makes more money are skyhigh. There's an inherent power from being the one who makes more. And in my experience it made my ex extremely unhappy and led to the biggest problem in our relationship. Also, other guys do look down on it. It takes a really confident man to be okay with the arrangement. Or it takes a loser who mooches. Maybe its different when you are older and kids are taken out of the picture.


You are first quoting a general statistic, then your unique situation. Your unique situation doesn't apply to the general stat.

Maybe in general most women aren't very good at sharing money or power while men are accustomed to being the bread winner for the family and tend to think about how they need to share money. In my experience women tend to save any extra money they have, even to the extreme of not letting anyone else know about it.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 96
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 8:27:02 AM
When it comes to relationships, both men and women must do their part. It takes two to tango.

However, I will admit that women often know how to do relationships better than men. Also, there is a lack of old-fashioned gentlemen available today.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 97
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 9:56:10 AM

In my experience women tend to save any extra money they have, even to the extreme of not letting anyone else know about it.


I can relate to that. When I got married, we had a joint account, where both paychecks and any other money went into. When she left, she took half of the money out of the joint account, and I found out later she had another bank account in her name only with a substantial amount of money in it. Unknown to me, she wasn't depositing her whole paycheck into the joint account, while I was.
A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 11:16:14 AM

In my experience women tend to save any extra money they have, even to the extreme of not letting anyone else know about it.

Women are encouraged to do this for their and their children's well being. Women need a little something to fall back on in case they need to leave. It's not typically something men need to think about.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 99
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A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 11:28:31 AM

In my experience women tend to save any extra money they have, even to the extreme of not letting anyone else know about it.

Women are encouraged to do this for their and their children's well being. Women need a little something to fall back on in case they need to leave. It's not typically something men need to think about
not ever really in 100% then are they? if one thinks this way, don't they already have one foot out the door? I do get it though as I will NEVER be in 100% again.
A man's actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship survives or fails
Posted: 10/30/2018 12:16:58 PM

not ever really in 100% then are they?

Has nothing to do with being all in. It has to do with being able to protect yourself and your children if things go off the rails and you need to leave. Much better than being left with no choice but to put up with an abusive partner. I get a lot of men prefer women have no choice, smart women have a plan.
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