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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > *trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?      Home login  
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 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 26
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if you play with it too much, you will break it off eventuallyPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

(Msg 24:)
Since I was a kid I always had crushes, knowing they'd never come to anything because the guy was always either not interested in me or interested in or with someone else.


That's called self-fulfilling prophecy. If you convince yourself that nothing will come of it, nothing will happen.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 27
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if you play with it too much, you will break it off eventually
Posted: 12/26/2018 2:27:15 PM

If you convince yourself that nothing will come of it, nothing will happen.


Not necessarily. Not everyone you like is going to return the same feelings whether you convince yourself that they don't like you or do like you. Usually those with low self-esteem and self-worth will knowingly pine after people who they know they don't have a chance with because rejection is both familiar and comfortable, and they don't have to take a chance. Success scares a lot of people especially if they have a pattern that is the opposite of successful.

I relate too July. Pretty much 99% of the crushes I've had in my life were one-sided. They have been on guys who were not viable in one way or another. They either didn't like me, liked someone else, gay, married, emotionally unavailable, too young, too old, etc., etc. On the other hand, 99% of the viable guys who have liked me I didn't like back. My best friend called that "self-sabotage". She is right.

I do have a boyfriend now but I told him I liked him first and then we started dating. I have a feeling that if I never said anything and we continued as friendly co-workers, I'd still be single and he might be but he'd definitely find someone else before I did.
if you play with it too much, you will break it off eventually
Posted: 12/26/2018 5:29:54 PM

On the other hand, 99% of the viable guys who have liked me I didn't like back. My best friend called that "self-sabotage". She is right

Ummm, I'm not getting how that's self sabotage. taking up with some one you don't like just because they are "viable" is absolute stupidity and self sabotage. Settling just for the sake of not being alone is never a good idea, no matter how good the catch!
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 29
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/26/2018 8:11:04 PM

At the end he said `I think i want to keep dating for now` but sounded so ambivalent i told him i wanted to end it but we could remain friends. The wishy washy behaviour has been difficult to bear.

Since then, we have met twice as friends. I`ve noticed he is still touchy feel and complimentary, still gives `the look`. But what was i going to do after he said he was unsure about his feelings towards me? Have I done the right thing for now?


No, I think you should cease all communication with him. Don't tell him you want to remain friends - that's just as big an example of wishy-washy behavior as his. You're only prolonging the pain, and inevitable split, which isn't fair to you or to him.

Rip the band-aid off and make a clean break from him.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 30
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/26/2018 8:45:30 PM
I don't think its self-sabatoge either. I ended up dating the wrong guy because I was tired of having the right guy ignore me. I began to think I just had too high standards so I wanted to give someone a chance. Rather than remaining alone. Big mistake of course.

A couple months ago I met a decent guy and we had alot in common. I liked his personality but I really wasn't attracted to him and ultimately I decided to not see him a third time because I knew no matter how hard I'd try, I just wasn't into him. There were no feelings of excitement. It was just me trying to talk myself into liking the guy which I concluded I needed to stop.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 31
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/26/2018 10:18:33 PM
It is/was self-sabotage to be crushing on or obsessed with the aforementioned types of men I mentioned in my previous post who I had NO CHANCE of being with at all and then rebuffing the guys I had more of a chance with. Those few viable men who liked me once upon a time are all married and/or engaged now. Maybe I could have been married or engaged too but I was too busy being hung-up on some gay guy, married man, dude who didn't know I existed, etc.....that's the self-sabotage my friend was referring to.

I've never been popular or well-liked by guys in real-life. For those who don't want to be single, it's best to take advantage of the few opportunities we have instead of having ridiculous expectations or wasting time pining after people who don't want us. That's one of the reasons I told my boyfriend that I liked him instead of waiting for him to maybe ask me out. Where we work it's 80% women and if I liked him, that probably meant others did too. A couple of girls at work told me they liked him too before we began dating. I decided to go after who I wanted instead of wondering 'what if?', pining after yet another soon-to-be-unavailable guy (b/c someone like him was probably not going to remain single) & being alone.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 32
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 5:13:36 AM

you were living a fantasy

now you are left with nothing but the fantasies.


sees the writing on the wall and is smart enough to remove herself from a no-win situation.

One of my biggest objections to OLD is exactly that OLD promotes too much FANTASY.

IMO if you can't get Barbie, Ken IRL, or Richie Rich etc. what makes a person think that a keyboard will magically change that?



Since I was a kid I always had crushes, knowing they'd never come to anything because the guy was always either not interested in me or interested in or with someone else.


I have 2 issues w/ this #1- why did u always choose ppl who didn't feel the same & #2- why did u assume they were not interested in u as well? surely even a small percent may have been interested had u made ur feelings known?


Very few times I outright let the guy know because every time it ended him hanging out with me. I've learned its better to have these crushes where I feel happy and hopeful rather than accepting the real fact that the guy doesn't like me the same way I like him.


Like a pacifier? A fantasy is better than a real, viable, working relationship?


And at least this time I was actually sleeping with the guy I had a crush on, that only happened one other time so at least part of my fantasy came true. The OP, Katy talked about that romantic bubble that can exist and it feels so damn good even when you know it'll be short-lived.


Why not enjoy an affair for what it is & not automatically ASSUME it will end?



That's called self-fulfilling prophecy. If you convince yourself that nothing will come of it, nothing will happen.


I think this is 80% true. If u assume someone doesn't like u, u make less of an effort, ur body language will be guarded etc. Signals will be sent off saying : "stay away"
Go watch "I Feel Pretty" w/ Amy Schumer

Some may roll eyes, but I had a HUGE SHIFT in what went on w/ the opposite sex in 2011. I left a stressful job to have surgery (orthopedic) & while recovering, got "extensions" to lengthen my hair & lost some weight. Did I all of a sudden BECOME more attractive, or was it that I FELT more attractive & therefore emitted a more positive vibe?


Not everyone you like is going to return the same feelings whether you convince yourself that they don't like you or do like you. Usually those with low self-esteem and self-worth will knowingly pine after people who they know they don't have a chance with because rejection is both familiar and comfortable, and they don't have to take a chance. Success scares a lot of people especially if they have a pattern that is the opposite of successful.

I agree w/ this 100%


I relate too July. Pretty much 99% of the crushes I've had in my life were one-sided. They have been on guys who were not viable in one way or another. They either didn't like me, liked someone else, gay, married, emotionally unavailable, too young, too old, etc., etc. On the other hand, 99% of the viable guys who have liked me I didn't like back. My best friend called that "self-sabotage". She is right.


u were fishing in the wrong pond, or using criteria that was not appropriate for u


I do have a boyfriend now but I told him I liked him first and then we started dating. I have a feeling that if I never said anything and we continued as friendly co-workers, I'd still be single and he might be but he'd definitely find someone else before I did.


sounds like u made a positive shift/change in your mental attitude & BEHAVIOR.


, I'm not getting how that's self sabotage. taking up with some one you don't like just because they are "viable" is absolute stupidity and self sabotage. Settling just for the sake of not being alone is never a good idea, no matter how good the catch!
Not really, she is saying she is now DISCOUNTING the ones who are NOT VIABLE & focusing on who is available.


I don't think its self-sabatoge either. I ended up dating the wrong guy because I was tired of having the right guy ignore me. I began to think I just had too high standards so I wanted to give someone a chance. Rather than remaining alone. Big mistake of course.


IMO 80% of the ppl who do OLD have too high standards. Instead of doing some self respecting to see what they brig to the table & who would match that, they fantasize about some unattainable Barbie/Ken/Richie Rich rather than do the work to have a real relationship.


A couple months ago I met a decent guy and we had alot in common. I liked his personality but I really wasn't attracted to him and ultimately I decided to not see him a third time because I knew no matter how hard I'd try, I just wasn't into him. There were no feelings of excitement.


Define "excitement". Is it being shat on, being kept in a state of uncertainty, being "pushed-pulled"???This is "sick puppy" territory.


It is/was self-sabotage to be crushing on or obsessed with the aforementioned types of men I mentioned in my previous post who I had NO CHANCE of being with at all and then rebuffing the guys I had more of a chance with. Those few viable men who liked me once upon a time are all married and/or engaged now. Maybe I could have been married or engaged too but I was too busy being hung-up on some gay guy, married man, dude who didn't know I existed, etc.....that's the self-sabotage my friend was referring to.


This is one of the SMARTEST things I have read on this site in my history of being in the forums!


I've never been popular or well-liked by guys in real-life. For those who don't want to be single, it's best to take advantage of the few opportunities we have instead of having ridiculous expectations or wasting time pining after people who don't want us. That's one of the reasons I told my boyfriend that I liked him instead of waiting for him to maybe ask me out. Where we work it's 80% women and if I liked him, that probably meant others did too. A couple of girls at work told me they liked him too before we began dating. I decided to go after who I wanted instead of wondering 'what if?', pining after yet another soon-to-be-unavailable guy (b/c someone like him was probably not going to remain single) & being alone.


On one hand, Sisaa, this shocks me. You appear to be VERY pretty, shapely, ur smart as a whip & not just book smarts. I don't know if u would be comfortable elaborating on this, but I am curious.

On the other hand I can see that many men would find a woman like u off-putting bec. u threaten their masculinity.

I sense u have been doing lots of self inventory & have made many positive changes.

Happy 2019!
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 33
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 6:01:50 AM

On the other hand, 99% of the viable guys who have liked me I didn't like back. My best friend called that "self-sabotage". She is right



Ummm, I'm not getting how that's self sabotage. taking up with some one you don't like just because they are "viable" is absolute stupidity and self sabotage. Settling just for the sake of not being alone is never a good idea, no matter how good the catch!


- I agree.

You should not date a man you are not attracted to. We call that friends, or depending on far you try to go with that sort of thing, an arrangement.

The kind of guys July has been dating are self-sabotage. Men who are not serious about her, or who have major, deal-breaking issues.

It's better to be single than in a poor relationship.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 34
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 7:46:44 AM
^^^
In the past I would have agreed with you.

From all the info July has put out there I have certain impressions :

1-She lives in a not-so populated area

2-She's a mom who works hard & has 3 kids

3-She thinks she is overweight & has admitted to some self esteem issues

4-She is in her 30's w/ a very healthy libido

When I was her age, I was a goody-two shoes, tried dating for true love & didn't get it till later in life. Looking back, I wish I would have had the mindset of getting out, having fun (including sex)

Why not? Men do it all the time!

July if you want to feel feminine, get out have fun- dinner, a movie & sex- why not? As long as the guy as average in looks & not some fugly fiend, why not?

ALL SQUIRRELS ARE GRAY IN THE DARK
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 35
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 9:13:55 AM
I'd add self-absorbed. People don't often realize how much time they spend over-thinking about themselves instead of just living their lives.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 36
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 9:34:25 AM
^^^ thank you Dayna ^^^
over - thinking

.
... Why do women tend to OVERTHINK every issue involved, especially ( but not only exclusive to ) when it is concerning a perspective male suitor ?

.... Could it possibly be because ~ women are smarter about relationships ( & most everything else , then men ?? )

... " I say let us put a man and a woman together, to find out which one is smarter ..
..... Some say man but I say no, the woman got de man de day should no ..
..... That's right, de woman is smarter > dats right ! dats right ! ".

^^ Man Smart / Woman Smarter ~ by Harry Belefonte ( dats right ! )

..... heart / love women / sun
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 37
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 11:27:48 AM

People don't often realize how much time they spend over-thinking about themselves instead of just living their lives.


Thank you for being the "Thinking Police" as well as "The Living Their Lives Police"

You should know that people are going to think & do as they please, rather than to please you ;0)
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 38
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 12:02:07 PM
^^^

Somebody got a lump of coal for Christmas.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 39
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 12:50:36 PM
This area is fairly underpopulated so I've lowered my standards a few times to give someone a chance because there's just so few decent guys out there. And what Silissa said about the guy she's going out with and how another woman would have snapped him up if she hadn't made a move is something which exists here. I do think in real life, guys have it made where I live IF they have there shit together (ie. good job, good home).

By excitement, I mean that I'm excited to see someone and spend time with them. I look forward to a message from them and talking on the phone. This is opposed to not really being into someone, reluctantly continuing seeing someone, hoping your feelings will change. And I try to make things work with these guys I'm really not into because I'm grasping at straws. 90% of the guys who message me are either shorter, live more than a couple hours away, are from another country or have mountain men beards or mustaches. I've tried dating shorter guys but it just makes me feel too big, it really irks me. I just viewed the profiles of 20 guys on pof that I liked the profile pics of that I figured were neither too good-looking or bad-looking. 17 of the guys I actually thought had potential but guess what? 2 of the 3 I didn't like messaged me. One was 2 inches shorter and the other had said in his profile he wasn't single.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 40
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 2:05:06 PM
(She rolls her eyes and groans)...……………..AGAIN...………….Once again, July manages to take a thread started by someone else, written by someone else, and turn it into...………... "It's all about me".
(Holy shit)
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 41
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 2:09:16 PM

Somebody got a lump of coal for Christmas.


Nope, but now that it is over, looks like the snarky ppl aren't worried as much about being on the "naughty" list...

The usual cast of Negative Nancys, Sour Sallies, Pouting Peters & Miserable Miltons will come out in droves ...

Well Happy New Year to the rest of the folks who want to be Happy !
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 42
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 2:12:44 PM
"This area is fairly underpopulated so I've lowered my standards a few times to give someone a chance because there's just so few decent guys out there. "

Seriously!!!

You are saying that the whole male population is that bad.
What rocks are you looking under!

What an insult to all men!
You need an attitude adjustment toward the whole male gender.

" I do think in real life, guys have it made "

No more than women have it made.

"reluctantly continuing seeing someone, hoping your feelings will change. And I try to make things work with these guys I'm really not into because I'm grasping at straws. "

Why!

Why do you suck so bad that you can not even stand spending time with you!
Why should others want to be with you, when you don't want to be with yourself!

You are the post person for dependent!

"Dependent personality disorder (DPD) is an anxious personality disorder characterized by an inability to be alone. People with DPD develop symptoms of anxiety when they're not around others. They rely on other people for comfort, reassurance, advice, and support."
mentalhealthdotcom

If you can not be bothered to get help, at least stop whining about it.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 43
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 2:14:11 PM
PS- July please go to profile review

PS 2- If a person has a personality disorder, shaming & berating them on this forum is not helpful. Maybe some positive suggestions?

I do agree that men are not heinous, etc. & July may need some attitude adjustment, but seriously, playing diagnostician? She is a single Mom of 3 kids, who works hard & needs some companionship aside from her kids & her Mom & her elderly clients.

Try some compassion for Cripes sakes.









in order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.
Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 44
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 2:39:58 PM
Pages of positive suggestion have been ignored.
Read replies to her posts over the past months.

"She is a single Mom of 3 kids, who works hard & needs some companionship aside from her kids & her Mom & her elderly clients."

She is in need of more help than pof can give her.

"Try some compassion for Cripes sakes."

Many people have tried compassion, but she isn't interested in a functional life, just drama.


Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 45
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 2:43:27 PM
^^
IF that's how you feel wouldn't it be best to ignore rather than bring more attention by taking a shot?

You or I cannot stop her from posting.








In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.
Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 4:28:51 PM

Those few viable men who liked me once upon a time are all married and/or engaged now.

So what? Did you not state earlier that you weren't interested in the few viable men who liked you.

Maybe I could have been married or engaged too but I was too busy being hung-up on some gay guy, married man, dude who didn't know I existed, etc.....

You would have been married to a viable man who you really didn't want to be with. How totally unfair that would be to some poor sap.

I've never been popular or well-liked by guys in real-life. For those who don't want to be single, it's best to take advantage of the few opportunities we have

Your post reeks of absolute desperation. Perhaps working on your self esteem issues would be more prudent than looking for some poor sap you don't give a flying **** about, to rope into a trainwreck of a marriage.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 47
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 5:04:24 PM

. I've tried dating shorter guys but it just makes me feel too big, it really irks me

that is your insecurity issue rearing it's ugly head again..
if the man has no issue with your size....why should you???

My guy is smaller than me.....but in no way does that make him less of a man in any form.
He is kind, generous, compassionate, funny, a wonderful father and grandfather - and a damn good lover because of those traits...
If I let my size get in my own way....I wouldn't be in a great relationship ...

OP is breaking it off not soon enough...
and you are breaking it off before it even had a chance...
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 48
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 5:18:10 PM

I've tried dating shorter guys but it just makes me feel too big, it really irks me.


One was 2 inches shorter


The horror.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 49
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 6:05:17 PM

The horror


"The Rocky Horror Picture Show".
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 50
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/27/2018 7:47:33 PM
The thinking police? That better not have directed at me. Along with low self-esteem, etc., is high self-absorption, it can be very disabling and makes therapy very hard to work through. If you were attacking me, please explain why.
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