Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Dating Etiquette of 21 century "ADULTS"      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 126
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTSPage 6 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
^^ if that don't put it in perspective- I don't know what will!! 👍
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/5/2019 5:52:03 AM

First, you bringing up the side topic of me using #s in the looks dept

Actually, its not a side topic. You pulled the equal rights card to try to make a point. My questioning of your hypocrisy in that is valid. I have experienced your mansplaining first hand, You will have to excuse me if I find the fact you would pull that card quite laughable.


So if you believe that saying someone's a 7/10 in looks is objectifying them,

Anytime you reduce someone to something, be it a number, you are dehumanizing them.


So you're saying one's looks is their worth? Who's objectifying people now? :)

Don't attempt to put your behaviour on me. I have read plenty of your posts where it was clearly implied a woman's dating worth or who she was going to score a date with was solely dependant on her looks, or feckability, lowering her to nothing but a sexual commodity.

I know, I know, people have done the scale thing for forever. I have done it in the past myself. That doesn't mean it's ok and harmless. I just find it amusing when the same guys who pull the equal rights card are usually the same guys who are first to call women sluts, throw them on some arbitrary number scale basing everything on their appearance. It seems as if, equal rights only apply when it fits their agenda!
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 128
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/5/2019 7:30:11 AM
Interesting Objectifying can be so clear for some areas-but when it comes to communicating and honoring our own living identity as well as others-no problem with such objectifying_even saying "get a date" is objectifying..
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 129
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/5/2019 2:49:06 PM
Equal rights card? Funny how you fail to point things out. It was after your incredibly faulty assertion in the face of the obvious, that I'll describe looks on a # scale to be more precise only to women, is where I pointed out that I and many other people apply it to People.

My questioning of your hypocrisy in that is valid.

Again, quote. Where's the hypocrisy? It's easy just to say that.

You will have to excuse me if I find the fact you would pull that card quite laughable.

You forgot to flip your hair with that attitude. :) Again, pull what card? Attitude & vagueness you enjoy, it seems.

Anytime you reduce someone to something, be it a number, you are dehumanizing them.

I'm not reducing anyone to a number. I believe you have the intelligence to realize that quite easily. It's just your emotions sing a different tune to cloud your judgement.

You, nor I, are Not Reducing a Person to an adjective when we use an adjective to describe something specific about them (their looks, their fashion sense, their sense of humor). By your rationale We Are, which is what I seriously question, and should. Adjectives in many scenarios can be vague -- which is why people will put many characteristics About a person, place or thing on a scale of 1-10 to be more precise. It's Not Conceptually Different, at all. It's just being precise in what one means. Is that what sends the P.C. police off-rails? Why? Because it lacks leeway of clouded positive (or negative) interpretation?

Don't attempt to put your behaviour on me.

I'm not playing games, honest. You Just Equated one's looks = their worth as a Person...

Peoples worth shouldn't be judged by a number on a scale.

... by equating putting that one thing attributed to that person as them as a whole. I'm not judging People Worth on a # scale, or by adjectives (which would be the same in a more vague manner). I'm Describing their looks. Big difference. Do You think the two are the same?

I have read plenty of your posts where it was clearly implied a woman's dating worth or who she was going to score a date with was solely dependant on her looks, or feckability, lowering her to nothing but a sexual commodity.

Yes, much the same way you Think that I even imply that women are to be described by looks, but men are not nor that I do (LOL). Your emotional bias getting in the way of reading comprehension is quite strong. It has nothing to do with intelligence, but again, emotional bias. Give me quotes, my dear. I don't live in a land thru a colored lens for emotional comfort. But a woman's Dating worth (again, not her as a whole; but Dating worth; Einsteins dating worth probably wasn't that great at many times) -- will be lower if she lowers herself to nothing but a sexual commodity. It's sad that you want to believe I'd believe otherwise. You're just making assumptions out of emotion.

But yes, I do believe, for better or worse, Looks is #1 for both men & women in Attraction on the dating circuit. And I do believe by how Society Rolls, looks plays a greater role as an end-result for women, due to men having less other things to comparatively to worry about in the dating scene (safety, potential financial support), along with things carrying less weight in a guy's eyes (popularity; social-connections). Whether I like it or not, it's not me proclaiming that's how it Should Be. But either way, I'm not saying looks is the only thing, as there are deal-breakers even for the most casual dating situations. I've always said that.


I know, I know, people have done the scale thing for forever. I have done it in the past myself. That doesn't mean it's ok and harmless.

But why is it OK, or notably much better, to say Person A is a really Great looking guy -- VS saying he's a 9 out of 10? Both are comparative To Others. One can hide behind the words, I guess. Is that what it is? Sensitivity to looks, where using more precise wording (numbers) hits home too harshly?

I just find it amusing when the same guys who pull the equal rights card are usually the same guys who are first to call women sluts

You need to stop your stereotyping, tho. That's what drives your negative emotions to jump to such erroneous conclusions. Again, thinking that any description on looks, (words or #s) is used by me on women and not men is completely laughable -- a Clear example of stereotypical assumption when claiming to read what I write. It's easier to make those stereotypes when in such a negative mindset -- just like the silly MGTOW (Men Go Their Own Way) does.
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/5/2019 3:10:54 PM
^^^ Just can't respond to your post. Being so distraught with my emotions being so clouded and all. Thank you for explaining once again, what I think, or am feeling. What would I do with out you to mansplain everything to me.
I will leave you with the quote , again, I left you with earlier. Maybe when you quit being so emotionally hysterical, it may sink in, or not.
"Because its natural for men not to consider women fully human. It's a woman's responsibility to understand and accept they never will be".
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 131
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/5/2019 4:05:44 PM

Adjectives in many scenarios can be vague -- which is why people will put many characteristics About a person, place or thing on a scale of 1-10 to be more precise. It's Not Conceptually Different, at all. It's just being precise in what one means. Is that what sends the P.C. police off-rails? Why? Because it lacks leeway of clouded positive (or negative) interpretation?


I can understand why the 1-10 scale was developed. It's more precise than trying to describe someone's looks with adjectives alone, which can be just as dehumanizing, if not more so, judging from this example.

https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mddd4uVvOK1r4qw78o1_1280.png
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 132
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/5/2019 5:50:40 PM
Here are some objects we may not realize: A date, a husband, a wife, marriage, SO, LTR, FWB, FB, Friend, a good man or woman, a christian, (anyone of theses can be replaced with the numbers, and indeed are conditions we feel the Person needs meet)- In seeking such it is a GOAL to achieve not the dynamic.
However, even character traits can become the commodity exchange- saying i would like certain characteristics is less commodifying- however, traits become commodified regardless-those with humor, honesty, wit, intelligence and some pleasing looks can be sought more often than those without. Not one of such is about a human contact and exchange of such- these instead are looking for a specific "thing/type"
Once our goal is "adding" another "person" to our life- they are an object(the goal not a person) lol. We become objects, as well as seek objects- with categories we may find fitting. It is objectifying and to believe we do not participate we are pulling the wool over our own eyes. We are on a dating site?? Hello??? All those/our pictures and profiles are "selling Them/ourselves" LOL And we are all looking to purchase lol- This is not a new or old concept: even in the to call or not call-much advice seemed to point towards "maintaining my desirability" that too objectifies me instead of a human, i must present as desirable( if you don't understand that, I am sorry)
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/6/2019 4:45:30 AM
I really don't understand how anyone could justify using a rating scale to describe someone's looks. It's basically putting a value on them as a sexual commodity. I'm sure the women who were put on the Harvard men's soccer team's rating scale would agree. Objectification means
you are treating someone like something. To pass it off as innocent "descriptives" is being obtuse. To say," No, I don't think Cheryl is attractive", is NOT dehumanizing. To say she is a 2/10, is dehumanizing. This sort of behaviour has been going on for quite some time, people just assume its normal, its NOT and can be harmful. Example, eating disorders. This behaviour is also changing, slowly, the masses are being edumacated. There will always be the men who just don't get it and the women who justify it. I just hope if I ever get lucky enough to have grandchildren, they won't have to deal with this crap!

If I were to start assigning people here numbers from 1-10, basing it on their looks, they would go shrieking to mods before the day was out. It suddenly would be way more than an innocent descriptor.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 134
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/6/2019 6:51:48 AM

If I were to start assigning people here numbers from 1-10, basing it on their looks, they would go shrieking to mods before the day was out.

I doubt that very much but maybe they should.

Strat... Hold on to your hat. I am going to commend you for once.

You are an extremist. That is a good thing. I remember your opinion on pro gun people clearly because I was part of the argument. There are other topics that gave me that impression where I may or may not have participated. Sometimes radical changes in people's attitudes are required. There has to be someone out there to suggest them. The ideas will either take root or they won't. I applaud you for that. Carry on.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 135
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/6/2019 7:34:33 AM

Sometimes radical changes in people's attitudes are required. There has to be someone out there to suggest them. The ideas will either take root or they won't.


The day the 1-10 looks rating system (which is not gender-specific) will be abolished is the day everyone will start going Dutch on dates.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 136
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/6/2019 11:09:15 AM
if looks didn't matter, we wouldn't have pics. if it is 1-10 scale or some other form, they are still judged. it goes farther than looks and rightfully so. a great person or scum, still rating them. when we stop rating great prospect, good or not likely, we can quit looking and just take 'next available' and get married. even if not voiced, we still judge. not a fan of 1-10 scale but being called ugly or rated a 1 are equally offensive.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 137
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/6/2019 1:56:15 PM
Exactly JZ "marriage" being the sought object.. Regardless whether date or whatever- we constantly judge-necessary for all- it is best when we discern rather than judge- but hey it is a work in process-hopefully we are moving in the right direction..
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 4:16:20 AM

Strat... Hold on to your hat. I am going to commend you for once.

Doesn't really surprise me. Most reasonable people realize this isn't normal behavior.


You are an extremist.

I don't think I'm an extremist. It's pretty much taken for granted here that you don't participate in this type of behavior without consequences. My daughters companies could get fined millions of dollars if I went into work this morning and started to rate my male employees on a number scale, based on their attractiveness. I know Canada is a lot more progressive than the States but I would doubt that this is acceptable behavior there, either. In some places here, you can even be dismissed from your job for using sexist or racist language outside the workplace. Example: Facebook.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 139
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 8:02:28 AM
My friends and I use a rating scale all the time when talking about guys.
I don't do it at work...I don't know anyone that does, and
if they did they would and should be fired. I don't talk about dating,
relationships or sex at work either. There's a time and a place for
everything.

Again, I think this is a POF thing...and I get it.
It will never be abolished on POF.
Not sure why anyone would get worked up about anything that happens
on here. Who cares what someone you don't know rates you? I know
what my number is....hahahaha!
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 140
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 8:13:44 AM

even if not voiced, we still judge. not a fan of 1-10 scale but being called ugly or rated a 1 are equally offensive.


Bingo.


My daughters companies could get fined millions of dollars if I went into work this morning and started to rate my male employees on a number scale, based on their attractiveness.


The same thing would happen if you called them "butt ugly", "homely", "below average-looking", "sexy" or "stud muffin". You'd still be objectifying them.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 141
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 8:39:31 AM
Honestly? A number scale is not really necessary.........that's locker room talk. But attraction is important, and usually a persons has to meet or beat you physical attraction bar to be datable to you.

Often women are more discrete about it (at least outside the locker room!).......they often say a man was not their type, when he did not meet their physical attraction bar.

Besides, looks fade with time but it's what's on the inside that you have to live with.

So yes, looks are important, but not most important. Looks will get you through the door; personality will keep you at the party.

Once you fall in love, that person will look better to you than they really are! Ain't love grand!
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 142
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 8:44:30 AM
"I really don't understand how anyone could justify using a rating scale to describe someone's looks. It's basically putting a value on them as a sexual commodity."

>>>except, why do men even pay for a date? are they trying to bribe a woman into being a lifetime text buddy? a friend? or are men doing what animals do when doing a mating dance to show off virility--trying to impress the woman into thinking they are a worthy sex partner. why do women have such a general aversion to broke dudes, can't they have great personalities as well? some demisexuals date only for companionship, but many do it to get laid--they have a ton of friends for companionship. They go out for dinner with the bf, and then go home for "dessert", and they really want to lust after that dessert. We could debate which is better, to fall in love and then have sex, or to have our physical needs met and learn if we can imagine this partner becoming our forever romantic partner. everyone has to move at the speed they are comfortable with, but obviously there are women who come here and complain about the man they are having sex with--apparently they took the latter path. i wonder what drove them to it--maybe it was b/c he's an 8 :)

of course, there are plenty of women already objectifying themselves. the ones with the profiles filled with cleavage photos, for example. they look like an eBay sale, showing off every side of what they are selling so the buyer knows what they are getting. and off line, there's plenty of women who dress as tho their job is to be sexy rather than creative with their color choices. those who rank high on any scale, don't seem to complain when it lands them the hunk they want. their complaints come later when they couldn't get everything.

Men are visual creatures, and while your male coworkers may not rate a woman's physical attractiveness around you...if human nature is any consideration, they are doing it. i liked whiterose's link however, how many men are rated on their hygeine regime. that was interesting. too bad for those who work for a living :) lol
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 143
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 9:43:47 AM
Objectifying self: Is that the same as "laying your cards on the table" because clearly whether your profile contains pictures or "verbal declarations" of standard qualities you have that you believe may "appeal" indeed to your "advertising demographics".. Both men and women commodify in attracting their demographics-most attempt honesty in advertising so a full body pics and general disclosure-an attempt at honesty and having interest/attraction in those "superficial- as well personality traits" allow those who think cleavage exposure is not an attractive quality of self to move on.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 144
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 10:37:32 AM

except, why do men even pay for a date? are they trying to bribe a woman into being a lifetime text buddy? a friend? or are men doing what animals do when doing a mating dance to show off virility--trying to impress the woman into thinking they are a worthy sex partner. why do women have such a general aversion to broke dudes, can't they have great personalities as well? some demisexuals date only for companionship, but many do it to get laid--they have a ton of friends for companionship. They go out for dinner with the bf, and then go home for "dessert", and they really want to lust after that dessert. We could debate which is better, to fall in love and then have sex, or to have our physical needs met and learn if we can imagine this partner becoming our forever romantic partner. everyone has to move at the speed they are comfortable with, but obviously there are women who come here and complain about the man they are having sex with--apparently they took the latter path. i wonder what drove them to it--maybe it was b/c he's an 8 :)

of course, there are plenty of women already objectifying themselves. the ones with the profiles filled with cleavage photos, for example. they look like an eBay sale, showing off every side of what they are selling so the buyer knows what they are getting. and off line, there's plenty of women who dress as tho their job is to be sexy rather than creative with their color choices. those who rank high on any scale, don't seem to complain when it lands them the hunk they want. their complaints come later when they couldn't get everything.

Men are visual creatures, and while your male coworkers may not rate a woman's physical attractiveness around you...if human nature is any consideration, they are doing it.
^^One of the best posts I have read on here in a while- it substantiates evolutionary biology.

When I 1st split from my 1st husband, I was so naive. I quickly learned while looks are not everything to most men, it is the FIRST THING to them.

Once I accepted that, things became much easier.

My ad is hidden as I am forums only & I have a bit of cleavage showing, doesn't mean I am looking for sex. I have cleavage & it shows, a woman w/ a diff build can wear the same blouse & you don't see cleavage - no one should apologize for their figure. I am happy to have to have breasts, some women my age have suffered thru cancer & can't wear certain items :0(

If young gals wanna show what they got, more power to them!
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 145
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 12:20:34 PM
Sure-but if sex is exchanged in loving intimacy: lust and satisfaction are going to pair up with the loving intimacy-because honoring- respecting-liking, the human being, with whom we pair, induces concern about, and interest in, their sexual satisfaction and gratification-any "sexual skill" is empty-it is fun for a roll - if that skill isn't related to the brain/body relationship- - we have here a failure to communicate..
Which in the scheme of evolution- I would say communication is right at the top of a productive evolved society.
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/7/2019 5:13:23 PM

Again, I think this is a POF thing...and I get it.
It will never be abolished on POF.
Not sure why anyone would get worked up about anything that happens
on here.

I don't think it will be abolished either. I don't really think anyone is getting to worked up about anything on here. Just exchanging their opinions and giving their reasons for those opinions. Where else can you go argue for 10 pages about the correct way for others to manage their dating lives. This is POF forums after all.


Who cares what someone you don't know rates you? I know
what my number is....hahahaha!

It has nothing to do with what number you are being assigned or rating you are given. Its about dehumanizing someone to a number on a scale. Valuing them for nothing other then their appearance of feckability by assigning them a number on a scale.


except, why do men even pay for a date? are they trying to bribe a woman into being a lifetime text buddy? a friend? or are men doing what animals do when doing a mating dance to show off virility--trying to impress the woman into thinking they are a worthy sex partner. why do women have such a general aversion to broke dudes, can't they have great personalities as well? some demisexuals date only for companionship, but many do it to get laid--they have a ton of friends for companionship. They go out for dinner with the bf, and then go home for "dessert", and they really want to lust after that dessert. We could debate which is better, to fall in love and then have sex, or to have our physical needs met and learn if we can imagine this partner becoming our forever romantic partner. everyone has to move at the speed they are comfortable with, but obviously there are women who come here and complain about the man they are having sex with--apparently they took the latter path. i wonder what drove them to it--maybe it was b/c he's an 8 :)


There is some good work out there on what is healthy admiration of womens bodies and when it crosses over to objectification. It's not that women dont objectify men but the consequences for women are bigger. Objectification of women can lead to sexual assault, victim blaming, unwanted cat calling, and having your value in society based solely on what you look like. Men don't usually suffer these consequences.

of course, there are plenty of women already objectifying themselves. the ones with the profiles filled with cleavage photos, for example. they look like an eBay sale, showing off every side of what they are selling so the buyer knows what they are getting. and off line, there's plenty of women who dress as tho their job is to be sexy rather than creative with their color choices. those who rank high on any scale, don't seem to complain when it lands them the hunk they want. their complaints come later when they couldn't get everything.

Of course there are plenty of women who objectify there selves. Women are taught from a young age that their looks are what matter, above all else. When they are constantly subjected to scales and men rating them, seeing them not as people but body parts. After awhile, they start to look at themselves like that. Ask any young woman what compliment she would rather receive, You are beautiful, or You are a capable person.


Men are visual creatures, and while your male coworkers may not rate a woman's physical attractiveness around you...if human nature is any consideration, they are doing it. i liked whiterose's link however, how many men are rated on their hygeine regime. that was interesting. too bad for those who work for a living :) lol
I have caught them rating women before. I try to use it as a teachable moment. To think if they would like their mother or daughter or sister to be seen as nothing more than a number on a scale. Since most are being re integrated back into society, sometimes I have to just accept, they get its not okay to do at work.

According to the Psychology of Women Quarterly.... The moment you start seeing a woman as nothing more than a depersonalized body part for your sexual gratification, you've reduced her to her body parts. That's when admiration ends and objectification begins.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 147
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/8/2019 12:00:33 PM

or are men doing what animals do when doing a mating dance to show off virility--trying to impress the woman into thinking they are a worthy sex partner. why do women have such a general aversion to broke dudes, can't they have great personalities as well?


Because some women objectify men on the size of their wallets. They're looking for a provider, and if the man doesn't have enough money to suit their agenda, they'll reject him as a partner.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 148
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/8/2019 12:26:49 PM
^^^
or are men doing what animals do when doing a mating dance to show off virility--trying to impress the woman into thinking they are a worthy sex partner. why do women have such a general aversion to broke dudes, can't they have great personalities as well?


Because some women objectify men on the size of their wallets. They're looking for a provider, and if the man doesn't have enough money to suit their agenda, they'll reject him as a partner.


I don't think the broke 'animal' dudes fare any better in their mating 'game' than broke 'human' dudes~
Most sentient beings prefer a cozy feathered nest to sleeping under a bridge abutment, though I think some swallows may nest up in the roof crannies.
 forumfairy
Joined: 3/20/2018
Msg: 149
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/10/2019 1:58:15 PM

I don't think the broke 'animal' dudes fare any better in their mating 'game' than broke 'human' dudes~

I understand a lady not wanting to date a broke man. I would like the men who my sisters date, to at least have a job.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 150
view profile
History
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 2/10/2019 5:53:13 PM
Hemingway:
Once you fall in love, that person will look better to you than they really are!
Give me the Snapchat filters. Much easier.


As I wrote in my first post............. on the date I would do it, it's gracious and classy, and those things are important, and, unfortunately not as common in this MTV age.
"in this MTV age?" Um, are you in the '80s or '90s, posting here through a time-warp portal?


The moment you start seeing a woman as nothing more than a depersonalized body part for your sexual gratification
Yes, viewing as a personalized body part is much more acceptable.


, you've reduced her to her body parts.
Sounds Bundy-esque.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Dating Etiquette of 21 century "ADULTS"