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 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 26
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We want too much from relationshipsPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I think way too many people mistake that "spark" of chemistry we feel with actual emotions of love.

Love is a verb that takes a while to develop between two people. A LONG while, in some cases.

That 'Spark' of chemistry can always be felt -- but in later years, I think we have trained ourselves to NOT react to it - but that happens to BOTH our advantage, and our own peril. Not being impulsive can prevent stumbling into bad situations, and not being impulsive means you won't take the risk to trust someone new, when you probably could.

What bugs me about the 'spark' is what people do afterwards. People so helpless with their own insecurities, that anything less than that 'wow' factor pretty much means you are dismissed as nothing. It's not just they don't want a date, or even refuse to try to be friends -- it gets to the point some times where they wish you don't even EXIST anymore. I really don't understand the ego of people like that. You decided to meet up because you are neighbors or someone close by, and it didn't work -- but every chance encounter after that, any time you cross paths at the grocery store or school sports or whatever -- not even a smile or greeting or anything -- not even eye contact -- like you are 'untouchable' or something. Just because someone doesn't lock into your belief system as "The One" does not mean you are Toxic for All Time.

There are nearly endless success stories in here where the first encounter was never a great thing, but they decided to try again some time later, and really hit it off. Read up on some of that stuff. First impressions are generally abysmal in a lot of those stories. Learning from your mistakes in dating isn't just about picking better the next time -- it's about realizing sh1t happens and we need to work with it sometimes.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 27
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/26/2019 2:36:05 PM

I really haven't seen it that way. I don't have the mindset of "Is this going anywhere" 20m on a 1st date, and wouldn't assume the gal is thinking that either, as if it's some Game Show with a clock and some set finish-line. :)


That makes it sound so robotic haha. I'm fine but it does take some women a little while to get comfy via convo. A woman that hasn't dated in years is like a dear in the headlights. But luckily cant' shut me up . First drink then they don't shut up

It just that initial sussing each other out, and of course both are going to be curious if it's going ok. I'm not sat with my checklist ticking boxes :)
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 28
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/26/2019 5:48:57 PM
i get this and i rarely do that, however, a horrible five yrs after the spark died, yeah they are toxic forever-no smile from my sweet dimples and sparkling blue eyes again-that five yrs allows my robot self to protect my humanity.. from igniting a nuclear bomb with a spark dynamic. lol
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 29
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/26/2019 7:22:50 PM

as if it's some Game Show with a clock and some set finish-line.


GONNNGG !!



Why would you hit the gong?

Well, I think he has a great future.....just not with me.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 30
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/27/2019 9:32:59 AM
"I have to disagree with this...I think way too many people mistake that "spark" of chemistry we feel with actual emotions of love."

>>>but, what is that "spark"? for most, its passion, or if you will...lust. its that thing we don't feel with our friends, and that's why we love to talk to them, love to see them at an event we show up stag, but we can't imagine (at least with a sober mind) getting into a sexual relationship with them that risks losing them as a friend when it goes south. we can overlook a few red flags on a person who is hot enough. esp. when our life has fallen from routine to rut. suddenly there's a new employee who makes our heart skip a beat, and we wonder what it would be like to rut with them--what excitement it would inject in our lives. instead of busting our ass to rise up the corporate ladder and change things, we could get laid instead.

"I see this constantly with my "older" friends that are dating....they base their rationale of he/she is the one on the sexual chemistry...instead of "who" a person is."

>>>the older we get, the closer to death we realize we are. having our heart skip a beat reminds us of what its like to be alive, and thus...what its like to be young and still in the game. its ok we fall asleep on the couch as our teens are heading out the door to begin their evening. also, it makes sex less of a routine we do with our roomate just to get off. sex itself is fun again. we delight in the whole thing. "date night" and romance return, b/c we feel energy inside us and need to let it loose.

"It is the getting passed that "spark" that marks a true relationship."

>>>its true, we shouldn't use someone for sex. we shouldn't just be "in love with being in love". but many married couples blame the staleness of their marriage on losing that spark.

"That 'Spark' of chemistry can always be felt -- but in later years, I think we have trained ourselves to NOT react to it"

>>>true, the more failures we have in youth, the more we train ourselves. I never had athletic ability as a youth, and i cannot imagine having it now my youth has past. if i devoted myself to practice, however...i still won't be tiger woods, but i might avoid embarassing myself on the links.

" but that happens to BOTH our advantage, and our own peril. Not being impulsive can prevent stumbling into bad situations, and not being impulsive means you won't take the risk to trust someone new, when you probably could. "

>>>true, life is a gamble--but one should only gamble what one can afford to lose. The third to last time i wanted to ask out a bank teller, i had a bad experience. her immaturity in response to my asking her out made things uncomfortable enough for me to change banks. I'd rather avoid that, tho the second to last time, the woman was so beautiful no man ever wanted to risk losing a chance he may have had. still, i tend to think before i do things, mull over the possibilities based on what has actually happened before. it does cut down a LOT on drama in life. and do i risk losing out on opportunities? well, after 4 decades, its pretty obvious what i can, and cannot, achieve. even recently, i had an eye on someone, and after our third meeting, found out she had a bf. nothing wrong with reconnoitering before asking :)
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 31
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/27/2019 12:55:23 PM
I can relate. What keeps me going is having someone who I've felt a spark with, to fantasize about, who, even if there is no way a guy like him would ever want to be with me, I can daydream about. It keeps the romance in my day-to-day alive. I've been doing it for years, including all 9 years I was with my ex. Right now, there are actually two guys. One is a guy I was with last year but I am afraid I really did have major feelings for him so the second guy I got so I can try and turn my fantasizing away about the first guy. I see the second person occasionally around, at times we share a word or two and when that happens it puts me on Cloud 9. I daydream about all kinds of scenarios. I do not know if this guy has a girlfriend or is married and I don't know his last name so I can't look him up on Facebook to find out. But the way it goes with guys I fantasize about, as soon as I find out he is in a relationship, the bubble bursts and I have to find someone else. Yes, I know I'm crazy but it beats the alternative.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 32
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/27/2019 5:59:42 PM

but, what is that "spark"? for most, its passion, or if you will...lust

exactly....and it will never equate to "love".

having our heart skip a beat reminds us of what its like to be alive, and thus...what its like to be young and still in the game.

and once again....this is sex....not love

sex itself is fun again. we delight in the whole thing. "date night" and romance return, b/c we feel energy inside us and need to let it loose.

sure it's fun....sure it makes us feel alive....but once again....it is not "love"!!
That is my point....people confuse the two and end up hurting themselves because of it.



July: I can daydream about

Living a fantasy life is just that....a fantasy.
and very sad....because at the end of the day....that is all you have....a fantasy.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 33
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/27/2019 6:15:47 PM
living for dream fantasy makes for worthless bleak reality- we get so wrapped up in how it's supposed to be and how"we deserve"-Reality becomes too difficult to live in to work at and to make our own reality that is a blessing :Found from the satisfaction of working hard to accomplish a real goal
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 34
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 2/28/2019 1:33:14 AM
July: You are quite beautiful, and I would have felt the same 20 years ago to. Since you have the kids, it's going to take a bit because you need more than a mate, you need a friend too. Hopefully you are past the point of picking the same "type" that doesn't work.

Some girl actually wrote to me, and with my living circumstances was so shocked almost fell immediatley in lust! I've been able to get back to reality though, no therapy needed! LOL
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 35
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We want too much from relationships, b/c they are so awesome
Posted: 2/28/2019 10:30:10 AM
" but, what is that "spark"? for most, its passion, or if you will...lust
exactly....and it will never equate to "love".
having our heart skip a beat reminds us of what its like to be alive, and thus...what its like to be young and still in the game.
and once again....this is sex....not love
sex itself is fun again. we delight in the whole thing. "date night" and romance return, b/c we feel energy inside us and need to let it loose.
sure it's fun....sure it makes us feel alive....but once again....it is not "love"!!
That is my point....people confuse the two and end up hurting themselves because of it."

>>>of course, there are different types of love, but for the sake of debate we're focusing on the one love that requires or offers the sexual act. can two partners express their love thru sex? yes, its why its termed "making love". If sex didn't have anything to do with love, then cheating wouldn't destroy loving relationships. but sex can also be separated from love. so, you are correct, two people can have sex without love (and sometimes without respect)--we can call them booty calls or whatever. but if they are of an age where their sexual organs are working, can two romantic partners have a healthy, loving relationship if one partner is denying the other sex?

i think we all know the answer to that.

some partners divorce claiming, "i love you, but i'm not IN love with you." i suggest that translates to, they care for the person, but they don't have passion for that person. they respect them, they care for them, they want the best, but they just don't wanna see ;em nekkid any more.

"Living a fantasy life is just that....a fantasy. and very sad....because at the end of the day....that is all you have....a fantasy."

>>>if we ignore the possibilites in our life, just to daydream, then yes, wasted potential is sad. but a life without fantastical escape every now and then? isn't that...just...existance? i'm not saying you're wrong, i think you're just being a little "black or white, up or down" with the subject.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 36
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We want too much from relationships, b/c they are so awesome
Posted: 3/1/2019 4:12:03 AM
For me, fantasizing just lets me imagine romance in my life. Its kind of a coping mechanism. I don't really believe I will ever get to be in a good loving relationship, I've become too cynical about that, but to accept that fate is too bleak so I imagine a better scenario and it makes me less depressed so I don't get too down on myself for making decisions in my life which pretty much sentenced me to loneliness.

Passion (the "spark") is 100% necessary. I've felt it so many times that I know that accepting a relationship without it is ludicrous. Its a necessary ingredient but its important to know that its NOT THE ONLY ingredient. Too many people feel that spark but it does not lead to love. Both people need to feel that spark and unfortunately so many couples have one person not feeling it as much but they go with it because the person loves them or has qualities they like or they convince themselves that this person is a good fit even if there's things about them they really don't like. Or some people mistake sexual attraction for a spark.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 37
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We want too much from relationships, b/c they are so awesome
Posted: 3/1/2019 6:02:52 PM

>>>if we ignore the possibilites in our life, just to daydream, then yes, wasted potential is sad. but a life without fantastical escape every now and then? isn't that...just...existance? i'm not saying you're wrong, i think you're just being a little "black or white, up or down" with the subject.


Nah....just a long history of her repeating those fantasies.

She cannot handle not having a man in her life....so she dreams up these fantasies so she can pretend she does.

One thing to day dream now and then....another to move right in and be content with a fantasy instead of doing the things necessary to acquire a real relationship.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 38
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We want too much from relationships
Posted: 3/2/2019 7:20:20 AM
I should expect more from myself than anybody else. I didn't have the village to help me, so I don't rely on them for anything. I don't make it a habit to expect more from somebody else I can't give to myself.
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