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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Broke up over ED insecurity!?      Home login  
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 ken333
Joined: 12/12/2009
Msg: 26
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

^^^^Regarding the topic of ED, how do you see her as "sensitive"
and why is that a bad thing?


Because of her reaction to his vulgar comment. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing, wouldn't work for me though, I make too many jokes. Combine that with sensitive women in a relationship and it just doesn't end well.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 27
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/13/2019 12:11:09 PM

Apparently "tall" doesn't equal "perfect" after all.

Not so fast. Mr Happy wasn't tall enough. That was the killer. ;)
 Seamist474
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 28
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/13/2019 2:23:28 PM

But don't you think that after 2 months of dating (as she described the details),..... that it would have been incumbent upon him to bring up the matter?....after all, its his problem, not hers.


Best response so far - this is his problem, not hers. His.


If this guy had any class.........he should have responded by saying something like:.... "its not an easy subject for me to discuss, so I would prefer to talk to you in person about it next time we meet"


You nailed it again.

I would think that two adults, after 2 months of dating, that something in the area of sex, sex play, petting...something would have come into play. She was right to ask, she maybe could have done it in a better way but how about the dude in question - isn't it up to him to say "you know, I have sexual issues or ED issues, can we talk about this?"

If a guy can't "perform", maybe state that right up front. Most people want some sort of sexual relationship somewhere down the line.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 29
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/13/2019 3:35:31 PM

If a guy can't "perform", maybe state that right up front.

Not a good idea. Will ruin his chances of dating.

Most people want some sort of sexual relationship somewhere down the line.

Which is why they don't say it up front, and why he was so sensitive of her bringing it up out of the blue. He handled it really poorly in both how things flowed + his reaction, don't get me wrong. But the way she brought it up out of the blue, she mine as well have said "Do you have a small penis or something?" :)

isn't it up to him to say "you know, I have sexual issues or ED issues, can we talk about this?"

Not a good thing to text. Especially if followed by "Let me take you to a beauty salon, first. Trust me, this will be easier..." Knowing that guy, you couldn't rule that out.

A guy in his position should resolve the problem -- he had Plenty of time. So he wouldn't have to bring it up. But let's say it's one of those 1% chances where Mr Happy can still potentially be aloof, and things were potentially heating up. Let her know that Mr Happy gets weirdly nervous in new situations and he doesn't want to blow it (no pun intended), and move to go down on her when getting comfortable. Making a positive association.
 Seamist474
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 30
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/13/2019 4:19:32 PM

Not a good idea. Will ruin his chances of dating.


Then maybe he should be looking for a pen pal or a jogging partner instead of dating. Or just say "looking for a platonic relationship".



But the way she brought it up out of the blue...


Out of the blue? After two months of dating? I'd also wonder why he hadn't made any attempt to be intimate in some way. Two months of no attempt, no moving forward...that's not "out of the blue", that's more along the lines of "what the hell is wrong with this guy? I'll ask him."

Obviously this guy had issues in the getting "it" up department. Its not like they were trying to be intimate and Mr. Happy stayed Mr. Sad and this hadn't happened before or it couldn't be explained as first time jitters, women understand that, we truly do. We all have first time, even second time jitters.

She was right to bring this up and going by the way this particular man reacted, maybe it was better that she did so by text. It sounds like he's a little wacko and could have physically harmed her when his delicate and "sensitive" feelings were hurt.

Some men don't handle the fact that Mr. Happy doesn't work anymore or that they have that bald spot or they have hair on their back or they snore. Just like us women also know that our boobs have headed south, it takes longer to orgasm, we have dryness issues, we don't fit into our old cheerleader outfit and our hair is grey. IMO, this woman was right to ask and IMO, the guy responded like a limp jerk.

If HE or SHE has the issue, its up to HIM or HER to bring it up - no one should have to wonder about this after 2 months of dating.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 31
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/14/2019 2:11:59 AM
fullmoonguy

Whoever said it did?

Tall is attractive to me, as it is to most women.
No different than slim with a pretty face is desirable to most men.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 32
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/14/2019 2:26:38 AM
BTW, I brought it up in a text, as I thought it would be less embarrassing for him that way.
I imagined him turning red in the face, feeling awkward, and maybe having difficulty looking me in the eye discussing it in person. In a text, you can always take a minute to think about how to compose a response, and/or emoji it, if you can't think of what to say, etc.

--He had previously asked me very personal questions via text in the past. After our second date, he asked me via text if I was into "toys" and if I had any. I responded, via text, with the embarrassed face emoji and "It's a little soon to discuss that type of thing" then changed the subject, in a friendly way.--

ED is not a deal breaker by any means, but being unable/unwilling to communicate about it, then to say something so disrespectful and vile to me in response is.

I don't want to post what he said here, as I am horrified at the thought of that statement being associated with my profile and pic, here for anyone to read, forever.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 33
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I knew an ED once. He was a nice guy.
Posted: 3/14/2019 6:44:27 AM

--He had previously asked me very personal questions via text in the past. After our second date, he asked me via text if I was into "toys" and if I had any. I responded, via text, with the embarrassed face emoji and "It's a little soon to discuss that type of thing" then changed the subject, in a friendly way.--

So...... he has ED and he either chooses not to use meds or he has tried in the past and meds don't take care of his issue. *shrug* It happens. This was his way of testing the ground with you. His *very* passive aggressive way of letting you know that "toys" are something he uses other than his pen!s. Not an issue in an of itself for many couples.

ED is not a deal breaker by any means, but being unable/unwilling to communicate about it, then to say something so disrespectful and vile to me in response is.

Yes. As I posted way back at the beginning of this thread he is immature and lacks confidence. He lashed out at you when you were mature enough to broach the subject he is afraid of.
Two months is a grain of sand in the desert of dating. No big loss.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 34
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ain't you punny today
Posted: 3/14/2019 8:13:21 AM
agreed, dating doesn't come with guarantees of any sort. we get to know someone, we get to hate 'em :)
 LuvFishes
Joined: 3/26/2017
Msg: 35
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/19/2019 3:47:36 AM
Dating in my age range, ED is bound to come up again. He just dealt with it horribly.
Should I have handled it differently?

I'm 62 and yeah it's a real issue in my age group. I would never text. Texting can be misunderstood, has a cold tone to it.

So sorry he took it as a insult when you were trying to find out if he was truly into a relationship with you. You were ready for intimacy, felt comfortable and he was dodging the subject. That conversation needs to be in a setting of comfort, sharing how you feel about them. Being reassuring and comforting to get him to open up.

One of my best friends said alot of guys get hooked on porn. They are unable to perform without it going on. I was taken back by his discussion but learned alot from his male perspective. It's not easy dating at my age let alone get to intimacy.

Direct dialog, you share your tone, facial expression and convey open, frank discussion. You can reassure where needed. Your correct there are shots, sildenafil (revaito) dirt cheap vs expensive pills, lubricants astroglide which can enhance foreplay, intercourse. Penis implants, pumps. There are so many ways to please one another without actual intercourse. That discussion is a tough one and so many emotions are involved.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 36
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/19/2019 11:49:45 AM

Then maybe he should be looking for a pen pal or a jogging partner instead of dating. Or just say "looking for a platonic relationship".

But that's not what he's looking for, so again, not a good move. He should instead resolve his ED situation. Which can take some time & effort. But some people are self-embarrassed about it.

Out of the blue? After two months of dating?

Yes. Out of the blue isn't associated with any time line.

Two months of no attempt, no moving forward...that's not "out of the blue"

She brought it up out of the blue. It wasn't "out there" already & talked about. Bringing it up via text out of the blue like that, is only going to increase the chances of it fizzling. Out of the blue isn't having a conversation on the topic and leading into the potential concern. Out of the blue is never mentioned or talked about before, and blurting something out (wince). She shouldn't have any feelings of sorrow/regret, based on how he reacted so overboard -- but at least it's a lesson to learn that it can step on some toes, going that route.

BTW, I brought it up in a text, as I thought it would be less embarrassing for him that way.

I understand that line of thinking. And having a text convo steering In that direction, and then it coming up like that, whether you're IMing or texting -- sure. But a text out of the blue like that via text ends up being "cold". A phone convo, then leading into it would have probably been the safest route as an FYI the next time you notice a guy is avoiding 2nd base for so long.

He had previously asked me very personal questions via text in the past. After our second date, he asked me via text if I was into "toys" and if I had any.

But he wasn't wigged-out because the topic was about sex. Big difference between "Do you have ED or something?" vs "Are you into toys?"

ED is not a deal breaker by any means

It is to many women -- including ones who claim it's (theoretically) not, although I'm sure the chances of it breaking the deal lessen with age. It's a combo of a decent % chance the gal is going to lack interest + his embarrassment. That said, I'm not saying he was in any right to freak out. It wasn't a 1st or 2nd date with some gal where he shyed away from moving to 2nd base or something; it was 2 months, so he should have beared in mind it may not be a deal breaker.

But again -- emotions. Certain things can push buttons with many a lady, and certain things can with guys. This guy went overboard with the button pushed.

You shouldn't feel any guilt, due to how he reacted. But that said, his wacky reaction doesn't = you went about it ideally. Next time, don't jump to (possibly accurate) conclusions about a guy having ED, but inquire about getting more intimate and that you notice he shies away... think about their comfort zone, and as the convo churns, mention that if there are any timely issues "down there", you have no problems with that, as there are always creative fun ways to do this/that, Viagra/Cialis, etc. With a smile. Best not to do it via text, though.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 37
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/19/2019 12:44:11 PM
very typical that males will orgasm regardless? so even barring ed his question about toys?? what was the op's response?? cause if it was unappealing to her, might have lead to the consecutive insecure responses and or unwillingness to broach the subject. btw many ed medications correlate with increased skin cancer diagnosis.
toys are often way more successful and efficient for female orgasm attainment, than human capabilities?? just saying
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 38
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/19/2019 2:46:17 PM

You shouldn't feel any guilt, due to how he reacted. But that said, his wacky reaction doesn't = you went about it ideally. Next time, don't jump to (possibly accurate) conclusions about a guy having ED, but inquire about getting more intimate and that you notice he shies away... think about their comfort zone, and as the convo churns, mention that if there are any timely issues "down there", you have no problems with that, as there are always creative fun ways to do this/that, Viagra/Cialis, etc. With a smile. Best not to do it via text, though.

Oh FFS. His pen!s doesn't work. It is responsibility to let any potential relationship partner know that. Two months of dating is more than enough time for him to have behaved like an adult and had an adult conversation. At that point the potential relationship partner can decide if it is a deal breaker or not.

But I guess you believe men are such delicate little flowers that she was supposed to think about his comfort zone and inquire delicately when the time was perfectly ideal. And don't forget to do it with a smile.

Christ on a cracker. That line of thinking is truly pathetic.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 39
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/19/2019 2:59:26 PM

I'm 62


Me, too.


it's a real issue in my age group.


I must be in the wrong age group.


It's not easy dating at my age


Aint THAT the truth.

And I don't even have ED.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 40
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/19/2019 3:00:23 PM

Oh FFS. His pen!s doesn't work.

But I guess you believe men are such delicate little flowers that she was supposed to think about his comfort zone and inquire delicately

And I guess you believe there was no wrong way to do it. No, I don't believe men are such delicate little flowers -- and as I repeated many times, due to his reaction she shouldn't feel guilty about not going about it in the best of ways... but yes, I do believe when it comes to a guy Or gal's possible sexual issues -- you are supposed to bear their comfort zone in mind.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 41
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getting the shaft in a relationship
Posted: 3/19/2019 3:51:46 PM

ED and ED issues on some level hit guys much younger than you are, too. I think at your age it runs deeper with more guys. Basically, go about it in person, don't mind it. Don't lecture, and don't come off as weird like you're talking out of a manual.


True. For younger guys it has become mainstream to "pop" pills for recreation. I know guys who do just that. To go LONGER lol
 Seamist474
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 42
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/20/2019 12:10:19 PM

Oh FFS. His pen!s doesn't work. It is responsibility to let any potential relationship partner know that. Two months of dating is more than enough time for him to have behaved like an adult and had an adult conversation. At that point the potential relationship partner can decide if it is a deal breaker or not.

But I guess you believe men are such delicate little flowers that she was supposed to think about his comfort zone and inquire delicately when the time was perfectly ideal. And don't forget to do it with a smile.


Nailed it. Totally nailed it.

If I had MS or HIV/Aids or herpes or an artificial leg or can't have sex or don't want sex - its up to me to bring this up. This is far more important than the colour of someone's eyes or colour of their hair. And no, its not that we have to put this on a profile but it should come up in conversation during a meet, even before a meet or after 3 or 4 dates. BTW, its not like a guy doesn't know his pen!s doesn't work.

BTW, texting has become the new telephone call. People text more often than they talk on the telephone.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 43
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/21/2019 11:45:30 AM
NG writes:
first porking"

plow her field
Nice. What is this, the “Farmer’s Almanac Guide to Beating ED” strategy? Is that how they do it in Indiana? lol
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 44
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/22/2019 8:44:47 PM
I guess I'm old fashioned. If a man inquired about 'toys' after the second date when sex had not yet even been discussed, I would have been offended. That would have been the last date. I'm not about to try to teach a man about respect at my age. I'm wondering however if that question was double edged in that knowing he had ED, that toys were the next go to. He might have been trying to broach the subject?
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/23/2019 8:30:38 AM
BTW....I just re-read Cinny's OP. You have a way with words, Girl. I'm still chuckling.
 Kokanee_Ice
Joined: 2/16/2019
Msg: 46
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/23/2019 1:01:02 PM

I guess I'm old fashioned. If a man inquired about 'toys' after the second date when sex had not yet even been discussed, I would have been offended. That would have been the last date. I'm not about to try to teach a man about respect at my age. I'm wondering however if that question was double edged in that knowing he had ED, that toys were the next go to. He might have been trying to broach the subject?


Well, when should a guy discuss sexual preferences? A long-term relationship or marriage won’t work if I two people are not compatible sexually. I’ve been there. It was frustrating as hell.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 47
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/23/2019 8:32:49 PM

Well, when should a guy discuss sexual preferences? A long-term relationship or marriage won’t work if I two people are not compatible sexually. I’ve been there. It was frustrating as hell.


Is it possible that you rushed into a relationship for the sake of sex? It seems once intimacy develops that people find they are suddenly in an LTR. The second date is far too soon to be exploring sexual compatibility with someone you don't even know. Get to know them first. Discover if you are compatible in all the ways that matter before you initiate a discussion on sex. Oh, I know that the norm is sex first and get to know each other later but maybe that is why relationships don't last. The couple never knew each other but jump in 'feet' first so to speak. lol

Personally I think sexual compatibility is like anything else.....look, listen, learn.....compromise.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 48
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/23/2019 9:55:22 PM
I generally wait quite a long time before having sex in a relationship.
I have been called a prude, among other things on this forum because of that.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 49
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/24/2019 6:38:01 AM

I generally wait quite a long time before having sex in a relationship.
I have been called a prude, among other things on this forum because of that.


I can't fault it. I really can't to be fair.

One woman on here has a 10 date rule. If it going for walk blah blah blah and spending time. I'm down for that. But shelling out money constantly on said time spent. Nah! I'm not renting by the hour lol.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 50
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/24/2019 7:45:43 AM

Get to know them first. Discover if you are compatible in all the ways that matter before you initiate a discussion on sex. Oh, I know that the norm is sex first and get to know each other later but maybe that is why relationships don't last. The couple never knew each other but jump in 'feet' first so to speak. lol


Nah! The various reasons relationships don't work are probably equally distributed between those that jumped into sex and those that didn't.


Personally I think sexual compatibility is like anything else.....look, listen, learn.....compromise.


Not at all IMHO. As I have said before , sexual compatibility can be VERY important for many men. For me it is equal to women needing "chemistry" and for many men I know it is the same. Often men have sex with a women, and he disappears according to women accounts. You can read all about it on POF forums.
It sucks right?
You feel he used you?
Then you gals come up with a more extreme solution, no sex until 10 days, or 30 days, or the full eclipse of the moon during a snow storm. But reality is he just might have realized , after sex: lack of compatibility.

Not everything can be compromised. What about all the prudish women who don't do oral sex? I don't orgasm without it(too much info). So should I just accept a sexual relationship where I do the horizontal dance for hours and get none?
These are things that in an IDEAL world would be known before 1st date so time and money isn't wasted. It be great if there was a sexual section of the profile, like OK cupid has the sex compatibility questions.


One woman on here has a 10 date rule. If it going for walk blah blah blah and spending time. I'm down for that. But shelling out money constantly on said time spent. Nah! I'm not renting by the hour

Absolutely supporting my above point! GOOD JOB! I suppose that is one of the big reasons American women are so against prostitution. Other cultured societies have been able to make it work(Germany). 10 dates can cost more than renting a model!(jk)
But seriously you point is worst in America where we are full of fake feminists. They claim they are equal, or should be (which any social and biological scientist knows we aren't but for sake of PC police we better say otherwise) but still clings to the old fashioned attitude that men must, and should always pay. Talking about having your cake and eating it too!

Lets get rid of old fashion gestures, and beliefs, but keep the one that helps build our self esteem, and bank accounts. Hell, even in old fashion societies where men pay(Eastern Europe, parts of Asia), men often order for the women and CHOOSE for her based on what he thinks she likes. Apparently, women have not picked up the clue that most men hate that sense" of entitlement" as much as most women hate the perception that men feel entitled to sex for taking them out. In truly, EQUAL societies(Sweden,Iceland,etc) you don't have these issues and sex isn't taboo either!

Disclaimer:Being old fashioned I always pay. However, I don't consider a meeting a date, and never go for anything where a women looks at a menu where things are cooked. I reserve that to the 3rd date, which commonly is close in time to the sex date! I grew up that eating is intimate and going out to eat is SPECIAL. But as the above poster says..TIME is also a commodity. It is in fact the most precious commodity so should not be wasted. Dating is full of time vampires of both gender.

**can the 10 date rule be condensed in 4 days of multiple dates with same gal? Go ask her!:P
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