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 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 51
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Occupations of Your Last 7 DatesPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Interesting hearing about your dates. Were they resulted from online meets or were they a result of real life encounters?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 52
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Occupations of Your Last 7 Dates
Posted: 4/28/2019 2:32:17 PM

2015 - “disability worker” - alcoholics drink meet... we kissed but I didn’t feel romantic connection...

I always scratch my head at people using "didn't feel a [romantic] connection." In basically every situation someone uses this as the 'reason', doesn't that just = "They weren't good looking enough for me," but we are afraid to say it, even to ourselves so swiftly?

Think about it: I think we can agree that when we say "didn't feel a connection", we don't mean there was some deal-killer bad quality about them, otherwise we'd point that out as the reason we walked away (unemployed, a-hole, lives with his ex-wife, etc). Okay, so they have no deal-killer bad qualities, as an individual not-good quality or a collection of them to make it a deal-killer. Great.

Okay, now picture a guy who's really good looking that you see on TV, or walking into a bar/restaurant. Like, fat chance I'm getting a date with him. He's a looker, seemingly charming, etc. Ok. Now, say you did end up getting a date with him, as luck would have it + after an awesome Spring diet & a new killer outfit you bought. Would you ever be in position, as he kisses you at the end of the date, think, "I didn't feel a connection" and Walk, and at best willing to friend-zone him? I don't think so. Again, no deal-killer qualities about him, either.

You could honestly say "I didn't feel a connection" in the sense that you feel he's not that interested in you. I can see thinking that you don't feel that He likes you enough, or things may have been a little awkward as sometimes dates can be. OK. But are you going to Walk when this Great Looking, articulate, nicely dressed guy hits you up after that, wanting a 2nd date? I don't think one would at all, in that situation. Hence, it's about Looks when we have no bad qualities about the guy that would kill it -- but we Walk anyway. "I didn't feel a connection," makes us seem less superficial, I guess.

That said, I don't think it requires them to be a "no way" in looks. Not implying that. They could hit the looks scale just enough, but, they don't have any Good Qualities that stand out to compensate for that, to make it seem like a deal-maker.
 TheEvolutionOfJessi
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 53
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Occupations of Your Last 7 Dates
Posted: 4/28/2019 8:09:52 PM
To July... yep, these were online contacts... being awkward me (and atthat time having child in tow a lot, it’s not often I meet “guys” on the street... last time I followed through with that *street meet* it was a disaster....

To Norwegian.... as I was the person that was there, ‘no connection - especially any romantic one’ was about as much as I could muster - so terribly sorry I didn’t articulate my non-interest in manner you deem necessary ... there were loads of ‘take note of this’ alert flags in the ‘non-romantic setting, and this cinched the deal...
Occupations of Your Last 7 Dates
Posted: 4/28/2019 10:02:56 PM

I always scratch my head at people using "didn't feel a [romantic] connection." In basically every situation someone uses this as the 'reason', doesn't that just = "They weren't good looking enough for me," but we are afraid to say it, even to ourselves so swiftly?


It doesn't happen very often, but I've been out with women who looked fantastic, but exuded zero confidence and came across as too eager to jump right into a relationship. That the kind of shit that makes it hard for me to ''romantically connect" with them.
 SomewhereInTheStratosfere
Joined: 4/1/2018
Msg: 55
Occupations of Your Last 7 Dates
Posted: 4/29/2019 4:43:18 AM

I always scratch my head at people using "didn't feel a [romantic] connection." In basically every situation someone uses this as the 'reason', doesn't that just = "They weren't good looking enough for me," but we are afraid to say it, even to ourselves so swiftly?


Not true at all. I've lost the "romantic connection" with, attractive to me, people before. Usually , because they have opened their mouth and said something truly revolting that has floored me or they try to pressure me. I don't care how hawt someone is, once they cross that line, we're done.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 56
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Posted: 4/29/2019 9:17:46 AM
It can work either of the following ways:

1) You are initially attracted to someone based on first-impression visuals:
a) everything you have learned about them has caused you to become less attracted
b) your initial impressions are substantiated by what you learn about them

2) You are not initially attracted to someone based on first impression visuals:
a) after getting to know them (this usually tends to happen more over a longer period of time not necessarily in a dating situation) you grow more attracted
b) pheromones come into play and create chemical reactions in the bodies which create attraction (a woman's cycle and smell can significantly up the attraction level for both him and her)
c) first impressions do not change after getting to know someone because attraction-levels fails to change

Is "romantic connection" the same as "attraction"? I think it can vary for each person. I do think men more commonly can sleep with someone and date them even if they aren't romantically connected. Women have more of a problem doing that.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 57
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Posted: 4/29/2019 10:23:23 AM

Not true at all. I've lost the "romantic connection" with, attractive to me, people before. Usually , because they have opened their mouth and said something truly revolting that has floored me or they try to pressure me. I don't care how hawt someone is, once they cross that line, we're done.


Sadly, I've been here. I was Infatuated with a Woman for quite a while. She opened her mouth and was instant toast. Her pedestal was instantly gone. I don't do racism. She must've said 25 to 30 words max..



I do think men more commonly can sleep with someone and date them even if they aren't romantically connected.


But don't mistake that as men aren't looking for that Romantic connection when sleeping with said female. I ended up with someone for 17 years and had a Son that started this way. She was one of a few and she knew it when we first met, but that became exclusive ;)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 58
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Posted: 4/29/2019 11:11:47 AM

especially any romantic one’ was about as much as I could muster - so terribly sorry I didn’t articulate my non-interest in manner you deem necessary ...

I was referring to the canned phrase that we understandably will tell The Other person, but it is misleading if...

there were loads of ‘take note of this’ alert flags

... this is the case. Why misleading? Because the phrase itself implies there were no objective 'flags' at all; "I just wasn't feeling it," instead. Hence, my critique.

Some people do say: "No, he/she looked Great. No flags. We got along just fine, too. I just didn't feel a connection." Which isn't your case. So, two things. (a) Just Making a Point: Many use that phrase to others to explain it, when that's not really the case, and (b) A Question: When they do claim it is in fact the case -- no red flags, willing to be friends, get along fine -- is it really about looks underneath it all?

Usually , because they have opened their mouth and said something truly revolting that has floored me or they try to pressure me. I don't care how hawt someone is, once they cross that line, we're done.

Yes, there not being a romantic connection is technically the case, as with finding out he robbed liquor stores and lives with his ex-wife. But my point is that leaving it at just that Avoids the actual reason(s) why. Would it be "I didn't feel a romantic connection on the 2nd date" or "He said something truly revolting that floored me" as the reason to a friend? I assume most people don't use the canned phrase to be a fitting description to themselves, or to their closer peers, when something like that happens. So the question remains: Are there situations where it does fit it, nothing else needed to be said to adequately describe the reasons why?

I've been out with women who looked fantastic, but exuded zero confidence and came across as too eager to jump right into a relationship. That the kind of shit that makes it hard for me to ''romantically connect" with them.

Okay, yeah, I can see that -- since that is directly related to romantic dating "symmetry" where that phrase would be fitting. Although my summary to anyone else who'd question why I blew her off would be "She exudes zero self-confidence, and comes across as wanting to jump into a relationship. She looks great, but she has drama written all over it due to that. Just can't go there." But at least here, yes, it's more fitting.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 59
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Occupations of Your Last 7 Dates
Posted: 4/30/2019 7:22:50 AM
Scientist (Computer)
Academic (Professor) -- a mental masturbator
High Tech (small) business owner
Geologist
Artist
Author -- self-centered
Local politician -- He was quite out of touch with reality.

These men have industry, an amazing work ethic, drive, and most are self-made. I don't think it says anything about me, per se, but I do tend to have interest in people who have pride in themselves and the work they do.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 60
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Posted: 5/3/2019 1:23:00 AM

I always scratch my head at people using "didn't feel a [romantic] connection." In basically every situation someone uses this as the 'reason', doesn't that just = "They weren't good looking enough for me," but we are afraid to say it, even to ourselves so swiftly?


Once again, I have to disagree, lol.
It's all about chemistry- not looks.

In the 80s, a new guy started where I worked. I had not spoken to him, hadn't met him yet. He was not good looking- frizzy, prematurely gray hair, and a big pot belly. BUT- when he walked by and made eye contact with me, the hair stood up on the back of my neck. That hasn't happened before, or since. I turned to another co-worker and blurted out "That guy and me are going to fall in love." She thought I was crazy.

Within three months, we were living together. We had a hot, hot, torrid relationship, which lasted five years.

Even typing about it now, decades later, I feel my face getting hot and flushed. A "romantic connection" is ALL about the chemistry. Looks ain't got a thang to do with it, imo.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 61
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Occupations of Your Last 7 Dates
Posted: 5/3/2019 7:39:38 AM
Hmmm....
Last relationship with a teacher lasted five years and ended in 2014 - he drank too much and got stupid - sex was the only good thing left
Since then.....
2018....3 dates with a retired radio personality who was just far too eager to make it 'exclusive' - nice guy - not unattractive - small hands - lol - no romantic connection (I tried for all the right reasons but just couldn't generate the interest)
2019....coffee date - renovations - recovering alcoholic - rabid texter - you may recall previous thread
2019....wine date - retired I think - Christian just didn't feel attracted
2019 - walk date - retired executive recruiter - Christian - no chemistry
.....drawing a blank
.....wine date contacted me again - Christian - light meal later today - was very complimentary and persuasive - who knows?
At the moment....introductory messaging through POF with three men who all claim to be Christian
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 62
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Posted: 5/3/2019 8:09:55 AM

In the 80s, a new guy started where I worked. I had not spoken to him, hadn't met him yet. He was not good looking- frizzy, prematurely gray hair, and a big pot belly. BUT- when he walked by and made eye contact with me, the hair stood up on the back of my neck. That hasn't happened before, or since. I turned to another co-worker and blurted out "That guy and me are going to fall in love." She thought I was crazy.


I have been attracted to men in real life who were not necessarily good-looking. I think that perhaps when you haven't been around a guy for a while your body is extra sensitive to male pheromones and if you spend enough time around a particular guy your body sends your brain a signal that it's attracted. It's like that for me now. Anytime I'm around a non-related guy within my age range, for maybe about 85% of the guys, I start to think about sex with them or daydream scenarios as if we are a couple. The thing is though, almost every single guy I do this for is in a relationship. It's not as if I go for a guy that is taken but I often search for their profile on Facebook and find out they are in a relationship or I've known them a bit and they'll one day mention a girlfriend or wife. I can't remember the last time I was actually attracted to a guy who turned out to be single. To me, meeting a single guy in my age group is like a white elephant.

When you are not one of the lucky ones blessed with natural good looks, I think meeting someone IRL is much more likely to be effective. Meeting from online, you haven't been exposed to the pheromones enough to develop physical attraction and because the visuals aren't satisfactory, the meeting will go nowhere. I believe I'm average in looks, maybe in the 6th percentile and I fully believe if any single guy got to know me IRL first then I'd be more successful in finding someone. Unfortunately, if I ever want to meet someone I'll have to start plugging away at POF again.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 63
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Posted: 5/3/2019 8:41:34 AM
^^^^

When you are not one of the lucky ones blessed with natural good looks,

But you are....that guy really did a number on you.
IMHO, I think you want the guys you can't have because you're not really ready and fantasy is safe.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
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Posted: 5/3/2019 8:41:53 AM
^^^^

When you are not one of the lucky ones blessed with natural good looks,

But you are....that guy really did a number on you.
IMHO, I think you want the guys you can't have because you're not really ready and fantasy is safe.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
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Posted: 5/4/2019 10:00:47 AM
^^^^I agree.
julystorm, you are a very pretty girl.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 66
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Posted: 5/4/2019 11:27:05 AM

It's all about chemistry- not looks.

As I said above -- yes, that's technically true -- just as it is if you found out the guy robbed liquor stores and lives with his ex-wife. But you wouldn't just leave it at "there Just wasn't any chemistry" or "I Just didn't feel a connection" -- which is where my critique comes in. When we Merely use that type of phrase -- either that Isn't merely the case OR if we really do believe it is, as we can't put our finger on anything specific -- Looks is the underlying reason. Even if we don't realize it. I don't expect everyone to believe me, as we're raised/molded to have another reason Besides looks to not be interested in someone (because we don't want the judgement upon ourselves and/or we feel bad if we do). AND, in your example here, we find pride when we're attracted to someone who are not Objectively good looking on a universal scale...

I had not spoken to him, hadn't met him yet. He was not good looking- frizzy, prematurely gray hair, and a big pot belly. BUT- when he walked by and made eye contact with me, the hair stood up on the back of my neck.

Either you're calling the cops, OR....

Within three months, we were living together.

... that. :) You actually proved my point. :) You haven't spoken to him, never met him, but were drawn to him. If you had a blindfold on, and heard someone walk by you, would you have felt the same way? No. It was LOOKS. :) They don't have to be Universally/Objectively good looking to be attracted to their looks. On particular occasions, I've had a keen attraction to gals who I know objectively are not high on the universal looks scale. It doesn't mean I'm not physically attracted to them. In the reverse direction, I can realize a gal IS up there on the universal looks scale, but I'm not that attracted to her (like, say, a particular ex-gf as a common example).

We tend not to call it as "looks" when it's not the classic example. Like a long long time ago in one of the threads, a (cute) gal went on about how she isn't into looks. Then she says she needs her guy to be tall. Umm, height & width are looks, sweetie! :) So are eyes. Even when just one facet that captures our attention, even when the others are knowingly not so good, it doesn't mean Looks didn't play a role.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
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Posted: 5/4/2019 1:04:36 PM

If you had a blindfold on, and heard someone walk by you, would you have felt the same way? No. It was LOOKS. :)

I don't think it was the "looks" as in physical appearance- looks as in eye contact triggered it, not appearance.
I bet I would have had the same reaction had there been a sudden power outage before we ever saw each other, and our arms accidentally brushed.

I believe "chemistry" is quite literally a chemical/hormonal/phermonal reaction.
Maybe with some people, physical appearance can trigger such reactions, but they never have with me.

Actually, I just got off of the phone with someone I've been messaging from another site. Had quite a nice reaction from just hearing his voice, and our lively banter. Have never seen him, though. His pic didn't provoke any particular response.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
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Posted: 5/4/2019 1:23:50 PM

I don't think it was the "looks" as in physical appearance- looks as in eye contact triggered it, not appearance.

One's eyes is 100% looks, tho.

I bet I would have had the same reaction had there been a sudden power outage before we ever saw each other, and our arms accidentally brushed.

You wouldn't have seen his eyes that triggered it, then. Assuming his arms weren't ripped that you were attracted to, you wouldn't know the difference between him and an 18 year old guy or a 68 year old man (assuming the old guy didn't 'smell' like an old guy).

I believe "chemistry" is quite literally a chemical/hormonal/phermonal reaction.

I agree. If you can't see them, and you don't know the person on top of it, only your (false) imagination can do it. Light then comes on, and it's Pee Wee Herman wearing an adult-theater tshirt! :)

Maybe with some people, physical appearance can trigger such reactions, but they never have with me.

They do, they most certainly do tho. It's our default negative-sided view on looks we want to tend away from. So when it's not classical looks -- like he's got a hot face or ripped arms, or she's got great hips -- we like to say it's Not looks when we can't put our finger on anything classic and aren't drawn to said classic things + know nothing about them. We want to think it's something "greater", because it's a different feeling than leafing thru a magazine and seeing some random hot guy/gal in it.

Actually, I just got off of the phone with someone I've been messaging from another site. Had quite a nice reaction from just hearing his voice, and our lively banter. Have never seen him, though. His pic didn't provoke any particular response.

I'm not saying it's all 100% looks. You can have a strong attraction to someone where looks wasn't the trigger -- but looks can certainly kill it, no matter what else is there. Voice is one thing where it hits the senses -- and is just as "shallow" as looks, just another sensory organ hit. Same with smell. Just as "shallow". But one's not going to be called out on it. :)

Kind of like how people want to avoid saying it was one's looks as to why they weren't interested. Some actually believe it wasn't X person's looks that was the issue -- but you take someone who looks entirely different, and appeals to their tastes, and bingo -- they are attracted! But yes, voice -- another sensory organ hit just as "superficially" can play a negative or positive role, yes.
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