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 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 51
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Sexless relationshipsPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
a lot of generalizations going on there....
when in fact....it completely depends on the 2 individuals involved.

My parents had a very passionate relationship until my mother passed away at 61 years old....they acted like teenagers with raging hormones!! and yes....they were best friends as well.

My grandparents were in a sexless relationship for most of their adult lives as my grandfather suffered an injury that left him impotent. The remained best of friends...always laughing and joking and having a blast living life together.
My grandmother told me she never missed intercourse....because he kept her funny bone excited and pleasured and he still kissed her every morning and every night.

I honestly believe intimacy comes in many forms....and no one should settle for anything less than they need to make them happy.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 52
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Sexless relationships
Posted: 4/26/2019 8:37:04 PM
Ms Micki, I know many elderly couples like the ones you mentioned. I have known couples who kept the passion/romance going and were best friends for life but it isn't super common. I also think that the generations that came after them are different when it comes to sexless relationships. Years ago marriage was taken much more seriously and people were more religious and sex (especially for women) was seen as unimportant so people dealt with sexless marriages. Several people held the view that sex was for procreation only.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 53
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Posted: 4/27/2019 1:58:33 PM

Yes I want attachment but I'm afraid of getting attached. I daydream about a relationship a lot but I don't believe a good relationship is a possibility for me.

That's what I find odd. Wanting a relationship for the sake of it, itself. Is me saying that relationships, in and of itself, having no value one of the things that makes you roll your eyes? :)

I don't say it cracking a joke, but, I really do mean it as a matter of fact. That said, I can more understand that when one has kids, since enjoying the single scene is very restricted + having a helping hand is good. But in the end, being in love with being in love or being in love with being in a relationship [with Insert-Person-Here] isn't a good thing.

In a lot of ways I am still in the shadow of my ex. My self-esteem was blown to hell and I've become cynical and pessimistic about relationships for myself while wishing I could have one. I set the bar low, wanting small moments of intimacy with guys but not believing more is possible. I make a lot of excuses.

Your ex was a POS. Do you question that? If not -- why is your self-esteem blown to hell, notably So Long after it all? Because as it was ending, he had a chick he was seeing? So what. You wanted out from the get-go. Talk about the concept of wanting-what-you-can't-quite-have totally controlling someone! :) You wanted out Early on, him not wanting that, but as soon as it Finally Finally was actually about to end, you feel like You're unworthy to him because he's starting to see someone else. Yikes.

Especially when he's the bad guy, when a guy's in a relationship that's finally ending, he Should start to get out there and date. Granted, too early, but as you said, the relationship was a disaster and you wanted out Way Long before that and were miserable. But in the end, does it really matter whether he did that VS start to dabble in the dating scene right after you two "officially" break up? No. It doesn't mean you're lesser of a person that he does. You expect him, whether he's a good guy or horrible guy, like any other guy, playing scrabble all day every day? :)

Are people who are settling for sexless relationships just avoiding intimacy?

Most people in sexless relationships aren't "settling" for sexless relationships. It ends up becoming that way, but still riding it thru. Putting the elderly aside, it's just Attachment. Like you and your ex and why you didn't leave much much earlier, but instead stayed to have more kids.

Were those relationships originally just based on sex?

If they were, they'd be more apt to leave once it became sexless.

Were they friendless relationships that eventually became sexless too?

If they were friendless relationships, they'd be more apt to leave it once it became sexless, that's for sure.

IMO, friendless relationships will eventually become sexless at one point because after a certain time, sex isn't super passionate anymore, it becomes more habitual than anything, a way to demonstrate complete and maintain intimacy.

I agree. That's where the "fuzziness" wears off. But unfortunately, some people are truly brainwashed -- although they do not see it that way -- where being in a relationship, in and of itself, has value to it no matter who it is. :(

Ms Micki, I know many elderly couples like the ones you mentioned.

To be fair though, her mom wasn't "elderly" having a passionate relationship in her 50s and into breaking 60 and passing shortly after. That's just over middle age.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 54
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Sexless relationships
Posted: 4/27/2019 7:13:29 PM

Your ex was a POS. Do you question that? If not -- why is your self-esteem blown to hell, notably So Long after it all? Because as it was ending, he had a chick he was seeing? So what. You wanted out from the get-go. Talk about the concept of wanting-what-you-can't-quite-have totally controlling someone! :) You wanted out Early on, him not wanting that, but as soon as it Finally Finally was actually about to end, you feel like You're unworthy to him because he's starting to see someone else. Yikes.

Especially when he's the bad guy, when a guy's in a relationship that's finally ending, he Should start to get out there and date. Granted, too early, but as you said, the relationship was a disaster and you wanted out Way Long before that and were miserable. But in the end, does it really matter whether he did that VS start to dabble in the dating scene right after you two "officially" break up? No. It doesn't mean you're lesser of a person that he does.


It's not necessarily the fact that he left me for someone else that gets to me so much but the fact that even he, someone I thought was not a good catch, didn't even want me. I used to just think he could be my only chance to have someone and even if he was terrible, at least I wasn't alone. And in the 10 years that we were together, all the names he called me, all the times he told me to shut up and that I was stupid, all the times he belittled me and humiliated me and made me cry, I think I really started to internalize and believe I deserved it all because I wasn't worthy of being loved. And while there was a part of me that still believed in my own worth, there was a large part of me that countermanded it. And him leaving me for someone much more beautiful, and hearing from people how nice he is to her, made me wonder why he treated me so badly. Maybe to him I was a loser who he regretted getting stuck with. The thing is, I always thought, at the very least he would never cheat on me because he knew he would definitely lose me then and I had this sense that I was better than him and he should be grateful he had me. And discovering that this was in fact not the case, snapped the thin threads I was dangling by.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 55
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It's getting deep in here.
Posted: 4/28/2019 2:34:54 AM
^^^
You have said more than once that you pushed him to cheat. You wanted him to cheat. You saw it as a means to an end.

Since you can't keep your story straight one has to wonder if it is all just that - a story. Regardless you need therapy. A lot of therapy.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 56
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It's getting deep in here.
Posted: 4/28/2019 6:44:52 AM
I don't disagree. Therapy would be a nice luxury. Someone I could actually talk to about stuff rather than posting things on a message board to random strangers.

In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.
Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 57
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Posted: 4/28/2019 1:22:26 PM

It's not necessarily the fact that he left me for someone else that gets to me so much but the fact that even he, someone I thought was not a good catch, didn't even want me.

You were scared as hell to leave him, for years you wanted to, you set it up for you two To break up -- and when finally, in the spirit of things, you Were Broken Up, he started seeing someone else. That's not leaving you for someone else. The fact that he Did End Up wanting to break up after you maneuvered things in that direction for so long on purpose, wanting to get out of it, you felt unwanted because -- holy sh!t, he actually DOES want to break up now. You hated it either way. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Again, he didn't leave you for someone else. He bought into what you were wanting in the first place. Your feelings got hit when that time came. But that's really sad.

And him leaving me for someone much more beautiful, and hearing from people how nice he is to her, made me wonder why he treated me so badly.

We're all going to be a-holes to some degree, to ones we we're 'stuck' in a relationship with -- a relationship that is Not worth it. You realize he's Supposed to find someone better fitting -- whether short-term or ends up long-term -- after a bad relationship. Same goes for Everyone. So yeah, he or anyone else is going to treat the next gal 'really nice' where he didn't before, when said gal is a better match for him. Even if he's an a-hole at heart. And if he is, he'll take it for granted. Or, maybe new situations will make one grow up and not be such an a-hole. YMMV.

But I can understand when we see our EXs who we have issues about do well -- or seemingly so by word-of-mouth -- it's not something we like to hear. But it happens. You wanted out from the get-go, many years later you did -- but then, what, you didn't want out, once he started talking to another girl when the writing was on the wall about your relationship?

The thing is, I always thought, at the very least he would never cheat on me because he knew he would definitely lose me then and I had this sense that I was better than him and he should be grateful he had me.

See, you talk about someone who was in love this whole time with him. Maybe not the ideal relationship, but someone you wanted to be with the whole time. Very different from your historical description, where you wanted out from the get-go, feared danger if you tried breaking up, slow-playing your way about things to try and make a breakup happening over time, etc.

I think mixed feelings makes your memory/view of the past, different than reality. :)
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 58
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Posted: 4/29/2019 9:52:53 PM
It wasn't him I wanted. It was the life of being in a two-parent family in my hometown that I wanted. And yes, he did leave me for someone else. The fact that he did so wouldn't have been so bad except the way he did it was just awful.

May 2017: Things were not good between us. I begged him to let us break up, tried telling him we could try to co-parent and make things work and I'd do 50/50 with the kids. He absolutely refused, said he'd work on being better. And he said under no conditions would he allow me to move out with our kids. I had consulted with a lawyer a year earlier who advised me against moving out without the kids, said it would not go in my favour when it came to custody but that I was not allowed to take the kids without his permission nor could I kick him out. I also did have a fear he would do something to me if I chose to leave so I just accepted the situation.

August 2017: Things weren't so bad. He actually had a job he seemed to be keeping. A place came up in my home town (the next town over) that was rent-to-own which my dad told us about. I was hesitant about changing the kids' school and committing to the rent-to-own contract but my ex loved the place and talked me into it. I loved the place too, it was not a great big house but it had a great yard and a little red barn and a garage and an ensuite bathroom with a soaker tub with jets. I thought it was perfect for our family. And it felt awesome to be living back in my home town, registering the kids in my old school. Moving back had always been something I really wanted.

September 2017: His friend, a woman I'd met a few times and hung out with in the province we used to live in, left an abusive relationship and asked to stay with us. Me and him were working at different times (I was working a lot of evening shifts) and unbeknownst to me they were getting close. We moved into the new house, the kids started school in their new school (my old school), I transferred to a new position locally for work and a week later on our 10th anniversary, not really anything we celebrated except to say "happy anniversary" to each other, he initiated sex, we did so and right after he tells me that he wants to break up, that he and the friend have gotten close and want to be together. I was upset at the betrayal, asked him to move out. That's when he told me if I wouldn't let him and his friend stay there then he wouldn't help me out with the house deposits. You see, for the rent-to-own agreement, we were required to pay $600 rent per month plus $1000 more dollars every month for the first 3 months for a deposit for the house. I knew I couldn't pay that on my own. I agreed to let them stay there as long as they wouldn't sleep in the same bedroom which he agreed to and he said we wouldn't tell the kids anything. I figured, 3 months of torture would be worth it in the end because the kids and I would have the house.

October 2017: He didn't follow our agreement. OF COURSE. He and her told my kids we were split one day when I was at work, told them a complete lie of a story and framed it so the kids thought it was all my fault. Then they began to share the same bedroom at the other side of the house. Huge fights ensued. I began sleeping at my dad's at night and coming home during the day to be with the kids while him and her went out. We juggled this a few weeks. I hated that this was happening in front of my kids but my kids were on their side and wanted me to move out permanently.

November 2017: He announced he was moving out and would not help me with the November house deposit. I borrowed money from my brother for it but then came the nails in the coffin for my hometown dream: He told me he would not be kicking in half the money for childcare which meant I couldn't afford to live there. I moved out, had gotten legal advice that I could due to the circumstances. The kids had to switch schools again andI had to switch my job again.
 jimp1223
Joined: 5/12/2013
Msg: 59
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Sexless relationships
Posted: 5/1/2019 12:42:56 PM
"Message:
Are sexless relationships a 'thing'? How long is it possible to try and keep a relationship going if there is no sexual engagement


Isn't that known as marriage?..."

I busted out laughing at that reply. Marriage after 6 months can be described two people sitting on a couch watching tv and pretending the other person is not there.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 60
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Posted: 5/1/2019 6:56:39 PM
I let my husband and his lover live in my house and can't believe it turned out bad....
pure Jerry Springer fodder!!


and I just love the "I was better than him so thought he would never leave me" mentality...

this just gets better and better!!
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 61
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Posted: 5/4/2019 12:48:38 PM
julystorm knows she's made mistakes.
She's had/having a hard time, so give her a break, people.

She's obviously a very pretty, intelligent and giving person.

My ex-husband always had a very low libido, and I mean very low- from day one. But, I thought he had so many other good qualities (he is a rarified genius, and I loved his intelligence). So, I thought I could live without the intimacy due to his good qualities.
I will never make that mistake again.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 62
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Posted: 5/4/2019 4:30:46 PM
Sometimes people like to take over a thread for attention.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 63
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Posted: 5/5/2019 12:56:55 PM

It wasn't him I wanted.

If you didn't want him -- if you *REALLY* didn't want him... Again REALLY didn't. And again, REALLY REALLY didn't want him -- how the (sh!tty) situation affected you would be different.

May 2017: Things were not good between us. I begged him to let us break up

Which you claimed is something you wanted after day 1, pretty much. :)

Yup, he was a d!ck. Now, nobody's going to be "d!ckless" when in a Bad Relationship, given enough time. Butt, his was at a high level with icing on top and it only reflected the bad decision to get involved with each other in the first place, let alone letting it carry on for so long, popping out even more kids together. And getting a house together (slap on forehead).

It was a bad mistake to let a female friend of his move into your house with you two, when you're Knowingly in a Bad Relationship. Just because things are going about for a small stretch of time without any big fights or craziness does not in Any Way mean it's not a Bad Relationship. But, as you point out, you wanted a relationship for the sake of being in one -- which is an ill thought most of us will have in passing, usually at a young age (and usually learn not to think that way again). But you took this to another level. :)

The reason you'll get a lack of sympathy from some people who've followed what you've said about your relationship over time -- is because you knew from day 1 it wasn't right, but you went with it anyway -- and continued. Because you wanted to be in one for the sake of it, and having kids only increased that desire for it. Of course this cries out for disaster. You wanted out So bad for So long, then depressed because he "dumps" you? If you didn't want him and wanted to get out for So Long -- yeah, it was a real sh!tty situation to be in for it to happen, but fvck, I'll take what I can get! If some female friend of his will be the motivator, so be it! I don't want the guy!
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 64
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Posted: 5/5/2019 6:04:30 PM
You are right and I need to stop dwelling on it. That chapter in my life is over and I am happier because of it and I need to remember that. I think what bothers me most is wondering if that was my only shot at being with anyone and the fact that I was in such a relationship may be what keeps me from ever being in a relationship again. I don't want to be alone forever. I'm just afraid I will be. At the same time I am afraid of getting into another bad relationship.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 65
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Posted: 5/6/2019 9:11:32 AM

You are right and I need to stop dwelling on it.

Problem is, in the end, you will too much overall, because...

wondering if that was my only shot at being with anyone and the fact that I was in such a relationship may be what keeps me from ever being in a relationship again. I don't want to be alone forever. I'm just afraid I will be.

You don't need a significant other to avoid being "alone". People who are not locked in an LTR can be the furthest from lonely, while some people who are in an LTR, given enough time, can end up being very lonely. Wanting to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship -- to feel "worthy" -- is only amping up the % chance one will end up being quite lonely after the dust settles in the LTR. Or fighting enough where you wish you were.

Being in a Relationship is not a "prize". It by itself has no worth. One needs to fix themselves before getting involved any way. There's no reason to think you're incapable of being in a Relationship. Anyone on Jerry Springer can be in a Relationships for gosh sakes. :) It's not a "win". Depending on being in one to feel "complete" in life -- is not being an independent person. But I can understand the reflex in some way for it, when you have kids -- but as you learned, being in a Relationship doesn't necessarily solve that, and can backfire.

You need to stop thinking you're very possibly not worthy of being in an LTR, and nobody that garners your mild attraction or more would be attracted enough to you. In some ways, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not good. You shouldn't want to be in a Relationship until you get yourself emotionally situated anyway -- much the same as one shouldn't want to get into a Relationship with someone when on the rebound. And sometimes, some people can be emotionally "on the rebound" for quite a Long time. That's why therapy or the like may be helpful to ya.
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