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 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 26
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Oops, that's what I meant, I just wrote it incorrectly. I did mean that the person who cares more has less power.

In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.
Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 fashionchic
Joined: 1/30/2019
Msg: 27
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 7:05:43 AM

Hints are definitely game playing.
It's better to say what you're thinking or what you mean rather than
expect people to guess via hints.

Agreed. If I was interested in a man, I would simply ask him out with a suggested time and/or place and see what his response is.
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 28
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 8:04:10 AM

Don't do hints. Don't do game-playing. It's a two-way street if you got the ball rolling in talking some, to meet up. I'll criticize men who are in your same position (even some men you you've talked to possibly) -- who are "waiting on something" to ask the gal out in some weird Mexican Standoff. But I'm going to blame both parties. Cut to the chase, don't do hints.


Amen. If a woman complains about a man not asking her out. But she doesn't directly ask him out either. Then it's both their fault. A woman can be assertive in situation instead of always wanting a man to ask her out.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 29
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 9:20:03 AM

The trouble is that both parties don't want to give up their power by showing their hand.

Some parties don't care about "showing hands". And a lot isn't about holding any "power". As we can see in some forum threads about one's boy/girl situation -- it's fear of facing rejection. One's not going to heed turning to their actual BF/GF about going out some time this week. When it's someone we fear may not be that into us -- we at least pause, if not heed. When we like the person, but care little about rejection/acceptance -- and instead feel the desire to cut to the chase and not play games -- we aren't playing any "hands".

I don't consider hints game playing.

They are. Virtually all people who play games don't call it games. They'll call it if the other person does to them. But they're just looking out for themselves. Hence, "no games" (but my own). :)

Games aren't merely about f'ing with people or trying to toy with them. Most games played are not in that direction, nor invented by our Eddie Haskel friends. Most are just by-products of our comfort-zone & "looking out for ourselves". We don't call or think about them as "games" then. Especially if a few concepts came from our wholesome Aunt Martha when we were growing up. But it doesn't mean it's not playing games.
 wood_smell_as_sweet
Joined: 2/20/2019
Msg: 30
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 9:47:57 AM

Games aren't merely about f'ing with people or trying to toy with them. Most games played are not in that direction, nor invented by our Eddie Haskel friends. Most are just by-products of our comfort-zone & "looking out for ourselves". We don't call or think about them as "games" then. Especially if a few concepts came from our wholesome Aunt Martha when we were growing up. But it doesn't mean it's not playing games.


Very true, although Aunt Martha didn't refer to the act of hinting as "playing games". She preferred to call it "flirting". 😉
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 31
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 10:04:11 AM

As we can see in some forum threads about one's boy/girl situation -- it's fear of facing rejection. One's not going to heed turning to their actual BF/GF about going out some time this week. When it's someone we fear may not be that into us -- we at least pause, if not heed. When we like the person, but care little about rejection/acceptance -- and instead feel the desire to cut to the chase and not play games -- we aren't playing any "hands".


I have a hard time with this. When I'm not really into someone I don't have any insecurity and that in itself is really freeing. Just getting to enjoy spending time with someone and not worrying that he doesn't like me. But in those instances there aren't romantic feelings because I've placed the guy in the "friend" category. And of course then comes the guilt of knowing I don't feel the same way when he starts to tell me how he feels. The last guy I was with, at around New Year's, we were saying goodbye for the night after we went out to eat (I insisted on paying for myself, then he kissed me and hugged me a long time, whispering in my ear that he was so happy he met me and he's falling for me (this after 5 meetings and sleeping together a couple times) and instantly the joy I had felt at just getting to enjoy hanging out with someone dissipated because I already knew I wasn't attracted to him and the next day I ended things with him.

I hate liking a guy because then I really believe he won't feel the same way. And it's not just me overthinking and being unreasonably insecure. Because there are a lot of signs he's not so into me and I try so hard to find at least two signs he is into me and fall short. And it's not so often a guy I like even gives me minimal attention so even a little bit of sunlight from him is better than no sunlight at all which would likely result if I did say how I feel.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 32
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 10:33:38 AM

When I'm not really into someone I don't have any insecurity and that in itself is really freeing. Just getting to enjoy spending time with someone and not worrying that he doesn't like me. But in those instances there aren't romantic feelings because I've placed the guy in the "friend" category. And of course then comes the guilt of knowing I don't feel the same way when he starts to tell me how he feels.

You also don't want to play games with a guy thinking he's in another category. GOOD news is -- he's a guy. So you have it better than guys do, when you're not that into the other person. Why? You can bring it up to him off the bat that you're not interested in being an item, but you just want to hang out and have fun. Just friends with benefits. Easier said to a guy than a gal. You're to set the tone early.

The last guy I was with, at around New Year's, we were saying goodbye for the night after we went out to eat (I insisted on paying for myself, then he kissed me and hugged me a long time, whispering in my ear that he was so happy he met me and he's falling for me (this after 5 meetings and sleeping together a couple times) and instantly the joy I had felt at just getting to enjoy hanging out with someone dissipated because I already knew I wasn't attracted to him and the next day I ended things with him.

At that point, yeah, it's fish or cut bait. 5 dates + porking twice -- his feelings grew. That's why it's good to set the tone Early. AND not to go out / hang out with them too often, nor utilize them for tons of talk like a guy you're actually Dating. You have to set some distance. Because in the end -- you are what you Do (not just define).

I hate liking a guy because then I really believe he won't feel the same way. And it's not just me overthinking and being unreasonably insecure.

I think that does play a role in one's successes, though...

And it's not so often a guy I like even gives me minimal attention so even a little bit of sunlight from him is better than no sunlight at all which would likely result if I did say how I feel.

Don't pine over it. See what ends up unfolding, and let the chips fall where they may. If you read a guy's not that into you -- he's not that into you. OK. Don't emotionally ponder about him. If he's really cute and wants a roll in the hey-hey-hey, go for it. But don't emotionally chase him until he's shown consistency in liking you; but don't expect that in your emotions at all. Keep the Open Sign on, but set your sights on mingling/finding guys who show adequate interest.

But I understand the Better Feeling going out / hanging out with someone we're not that into VS someone we really like. If the person we're not that into isn't that into us and it fizzles (which we let happen too) -- fine, no biggie. Hey, I can get some "needs" met -- great. With someone we really like -- we're too concerned about not screwing it up. But guess where my successes have come from with gals I really liked, going out with? Not caring so much about what happens anyway. Bearing in mind a couple gals I have on the docket helps, plus having the "ehh, screw it" mentality -- as if she was 30lbs heavier and was nervous about me. Takes going thru several situations like that to get it down pat (and reminding oneself when in another situation like that).
Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 10:53:50 AM

As we can see in some forum threads about one's boy/girl situation -- it's fear of facing rejection.


Call me insensitive, but after a certain age, I have a hard time mustering up sympathy for people who get into the ''paralysis by analysis'' fear of rejection mindset. One would think that by the time someone hit middle age or just before it, they would have endured enough hardships and tragedy that the idea of someone rejecting them would be laughable by comparison.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 34
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 10:55:21 AM
Well, come mid-June I'm gonna go back on and try to date for the summer. I'll see how it plays out. I don't have a ton of experience dating so maybe I just have to approach this summer as a learning experience. I'm a scholar, maybe I'll look at this as a second-year college class on dating. Last year was more of a crazy I'm-Finally-Fun-And-Fancy-Free crash course year for me when it came to dating and I really just jumped in headfirst without knowing what I was doing and not understanding my feelings but now I'm more cautious and less of a naive optimist. I need to be willing to stare rejection in the face a few times and overcome my urge to retreat into my shell.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 35
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Ladies- about the endless texters/emailers-
Posted: 5/15/2019 11:02:29 AM

Call me insensitive, but after a certain age, I have a hard time mustering up sympathy for people who get into the ''paralysis by analysis'' fear of rejection mindset. One would think that by the time someone hit middle age or just before it, they would have endured enough hardships and tragedy that the idea of someone rejecting them would be laughable by comparison.


I'm not yet middle-aged yet...or am I? I'll be 36 in 3 months. I've encountered a ton of hardship and tragedy or witnessed it but that's in an altogether different compartment of my mind. I think maybe I just read way too many romance novels and watched too many love stories on tv and film and wrote too many of my own and imagined too many of my own so I have trouble handling real life romance. I haven't actually faced rejection too many times because I've avoided rejection by bolting whenever I'm scared it'll happen. And its not laughable in comparison. My heart still wants something very badly and when you want something a lot it makes you really vulnerable and the emotional risk is high.
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