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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.      Home login  
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 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 26
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

...American kids today when grown up are very likely to live far away from parents in today's coming economy ...

I don't believe this is (or will be) totally an American phenomenon.
That as economic centers increase in areas like China, India, parts of Africa... more and more children will leave the farm for greener pastures.


I'm a late age (45 when I had the boy) single mother who is eagerly waiting the day when he leaves the nest for the skies. Though I'm sure he'll hit the ground hard a few times and have to run from a few predators.

It never mattered to me if a man had children or not. What mattered was if he wanted to have children with me because medically that wasn't supposed to be possible (yeah, my boy was a surprise baby) and I didn't want to be blamed for not continuing his line. Because I thought that no matter how much he said otherwise, sooner or later it would get to that.

I don't think non-parents 'get it'. But then, I don't think a lot of parents 'get it' either. Not always sure if I 'get it'.

Even if I do get it, it's not something I demand in anyone else because everyone has things they get and things they don't get. I'm more likely to want to date someone who gets that I don't need much of a social life than someone who gets being a parent. I mean, hey I've got that one down pat. (*snark*)
 BendingBough19
Joined: 4/25/2019
Msg: 27
Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/10/2019 6:05:05 PM
I didn't think men worried about this sort of thing so very interesting question to me OP. I never desired children. I won't go into details out of "respect" for the dead but my family situation was not a good one. I was never exposed to positive family experiences and to this day, it still surprises me when I see genuine positive family relationships. It also disturbs me profoundly to see situations that are the opposite of that and I see far too many of those situations and wonder if those people just felt pressure to conform and have children. Some of the milder negative situations are the ones like Joe described earlier - the situations where the concept of "he got the shaft" must have been conceived (no pun intended). But then there are the beyond-terrible and tragic situations I read of all too often. For some reason, these hit me harder the older I get.

Would I judge someone for having or not having children? No, life is complicated and there are more reasons for someone having/ not having children than many of us can imagine.

2ufo, I know of a few women who have had their first and only child well into their forties. I have to admire how someone comes by that amount of energy later in life. I don't know how common or uncommon it is, but I did visit my physician last year about why I had yet (still have yet) to have a single menopausal symptom and he told me that he once had a patient who gave birth at 53!

Overall, assumptions aren't always safe to make so asking questions and actively listening might serve us better than deciding a person without children is not worth a second look.
 RoxyMoronic
Joined: 3/1/2019
Msg: 28
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 12:02:20 AM
2ufo....I dated a guy all through my 20s and we’d both agreed there would be no children. Sadly he changed his mind and I didn’t. We split up when I hit 30. He went on to marry and have children.
In my culture there is a strong expectation to settle down/marry and have children. This happened with all my brothers but not for me. No medical reasons and no family trauma, I just didn’t want children.
[Ironically] I went into teaching but now I’m more mentoring and conflict resolution, and have worked with children for 20+ years.

And I’ve found in my area too that a lot of young people are not staying within the local vicinity anymore. They’re moving away to study/work/live. Years ago it seems families lived more close-knit.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 29
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 2:09:11 AM

I don't know how common or uncommon it is, but I did visit my physician last year about why I had yet (still have yet) to have a single menopausal symptom

I will be 53 in a few weeks and I'm in the same boat! My doctor told me that it wouldn't be considered late onset menopause until I hit 55 and have still had no symptoms. Just the thought of having a child at this age is exhausting.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 30
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 4:21:38 AM

It's rare to find an actual childfree woman in North America.



I am childfree by choice. I usually don't tell people this because they start asking a lot of nosy questions, and generally assume something is wrong with me either mentally, physically or both, just because I never had kids.

I am often asked how many kids I have, and when I say none- the eyebrows always go up. When they ask why, I always say "It just never happened." I worked with a crazy religious fanatic years ago, who actually told me that it was women, like me, without kids who would cause the end of the world to happen.

I never had the desire to be a mother, and I feel that the vast majority of problems on this planet are caused -or exacerbated by- over-population.

What do I think about men who don't have kids?
I generally think of them as responsible, if they are non-parents by design, since a good number of the people on the planet are here by accident. Also, people without kids tend to have less drama in their lives, and more free time, generally speaking.

Now that I'm getting older, I'm sometimes wistful about kids, since it could be a great help in my old age to have grown children. But, that is no reason to have had them.


I will be 53 in a few weeks and I'm in the same boat! My doctor told me that it wouldn't be considered late onset menopause until I hit 55 and have still had no symptoms. Just the thought of having a child at this age is exhausting.


I have the opposite situation. Aunt Flo last visited me when I was 39., and I am now 54. She packed her bags and split, and I've seen no sign of her since, and don't miss her one bit. It is really nice not to have to deal with her and it is fantastic to not have to ever think about birth control, or the possibility of pregnancy.
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 31
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 2:43:02 PM
Msg 27

I didn't think men worried about this sort of thing so very interesting question to me OP.


Not so much 'worried' about it bendingbough, more curious of how different circumstances are perceived by others, but agreed, I have found the topic more interesting than I thought I would.
I think it's helped me compartmentalise where I personally stand with not having no offspring and made me confirm why too.
One poster said "maybe I never met the right woman" and I never really looked at it that way, I always thought if it was to be then it would just naturally happen.
Also more than a few poster's mentioned about it being a cruel world to bring people into which I had only heard expressed once, with my ex girlfriend in the one and only time we discussed the subject, I thought it was extreme thinking at the time and, although I could understand it, I didn't think it would be a very common viewpoint.

Msg 28

.I dated a guy all through my 20s and we’d both agreed there would be no children. Sadly he changed his mind and I didn’t. We split up when I hit 30. He went on to marry and have children.


Ms Roxy have you seen the movie 'Educating Rita'?
What you describe reminds me of Julie Water's character where she's not ready for children and they split for it. Then she bumps into him later with his wife and children.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 32
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 3:20:24 PM
Just imagine you could be Justin Bieber parents. Oh wait aren't they lizard people lol?

Seriously, As long as you understand and can take it on the chin that a Woman's kids come before you no matter what. You'll be fine.

Oh wait. That's until you tell the kids off and get told its not your place lmao. It does happen, so off you go not doing it again only to get accused of not being supportive :) Why did you let him do that/ well, You said it wasn't my place :P
 Manofsubstance1970
Joined: 7/8/2017
Msg: 33
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 5:02:55 PM
"The majority of women are single mothers in the uk and the family unit is just about dead, so it's very much a different society, than it was 70 years ago, but in my view a much, much worse one."

"Many men will look at metoo targeting a lot of innocent men with fake accusations, the family courts being against men, the divorce courts being against men and think to themselves? Would I really want to create a new life and put them through such an awful ordeal? Would I really want to hand over a child to a school, that will indoctrinate them into Marxist ideology? Would I really want to play the game, when I know, that the game is rigged against me and the rules just keep on getting worse and worse for men"

"In a lot of households - NO positive role models are around to help children develop and see the positives in male masculinity, so boys have it much worse, than girls, when their dad's are not part of their lives"

"I'm sick of how materialistic, dishonest, greedy and immoral society has become and I would never want to bring a child into such a toxic society - cause it's about as bad as it can get, but sadly I think it will get much, much worse, unless massive changes are made and I do mean MASSIVE CHANGES"
 Manofsubstance1970
Joined: 7/8/2017
Msg: 34
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 5:34:03 PM
"Men and women are vastly different, when it comes to fertility and men don't have to be in any hurry to have children, cause men can be fertile in their 70s, but women can't and only have limited time to create a child, so they won't make the same choices, that men make"

"I'm trying to think of the positives of dating a single mother of young children? I see some negatives including: bringing up another man's child/children, not only paying for the single mother, but also for her offspring, so it's not going to be cheap, you might have very limited alone time with her, but also might have to deal with exe husbands/boyfriends and deal with the drama, that may happen"

"It's a matter of weighing up the good vs bad"

"feel free to state any benefits -you think a man would get - from dating a single mother - with a young child or children?"
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 35
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/11/2019 10:23:29 PM
I view a childless man favorably.
If I were young enough to have a child at home then it is easier to date a childless man because it means not having to coordinate child care on his side also.
Now that my child is emancipated I will only date a man without children or whose kids are also emancipated.
My child is truly independent and no drama. Even a man whose kids are emancipated may be caught up in all sorts of child-related drama; no thanks.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 36
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/13/2019 2:19:50 PM

and I feel that the vast majority of problems on this planet are caused -or exacerbated by- over-population.


Actually, the vast majority of problems on this planet are caused by people making poor choices about the things they have plenty of control over. (that is, things that are not natural disasters or uncontrollable medical problems)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 37
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/13/2019 8:31:11 PM

It's rare to find an actual childfree woman in North America.

I think you're going too broad on that one. The bigger the city, the easier it is. The more you're out in the country, the harder it is. Of course, the older the age range you're scoping, the harder it'll be too.

IMO, ideally in modern society, breeding should just be a by-product of two people who've already been settled into an LTR for quite a long while, through thick-n-thin + are in fact a good couple... where having kids shouldn't be any more a goal than moving to California, in and of itself. One shouldn't get into an LTR as a means to have kids. Instead, having kids should just be a by-product of an already established LTR that turned to marriage even if no kids were on the agenda -- and both parties are not having to be overworked and are fitting to have them.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 38
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/13/2019 8:47:25 PM
Yeah, there are very few women who reach 35 without kids in my part of the country. The only ones I know of are ones who couldn't have kids although I have run into the occasional senior spinster in my line of work. The birth rate is higher out here too. Most people have 3 kids out here though having anywhere from 2 to 6 kids is not uncommon. My daughter had to take her family photo to school last year and the teacher posted all the kids' family photos on a sideboard and I noticed a whole lot of 3 child families with 4 probably being the next most common number. And despite the fact that almost all the women have children at some point, there are a ton of men who don't have kids. I guess a lot of men are getting multiple women pregnant.
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