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 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 68
Dating an alcoholicPage 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Of course. As sober partners, we have our own dependency which is, in a sense, an addiction to the relationship. It can be very difficult to come to terms with that while the relationship still exists. The alcoholic becomes the distraction and we don't take the time to look within. That is our struggle and it's not as easy one.
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 69
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 8:24:59 PM
check out an Al Anon meeting and see if that helps you and NO they will not tell you to leave him. NO ONE is supposed to tell you that in any meeting, they are crossing a line there and if they do they are controlling and don't understand the program.


thank you for the is a perfect example (of many) why al anon is so perverted. to encourage someone to stay in a relationship that is an incomprehensible living hell....is unconscionable, and beyond disgusting.

yep..ala non'er..stay with the jerk/jerkette and just continue to take the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. stay and continue to let this scumbag beat the crap outta you when he wants to..and for no reason. for the benefit of your kids...stay so they can grow up unstable, confused, and scared to death. and let the worthless piece of puke beat the kids too. you dont really want to leave now do you?? here...let us tell you how we can make your living hell a little more comfortable...by moving in some furniture.....
it's CRIMINAL.....


That does not mean you stop loving him...it just means you start loving yourself as well.


sure...tell this to women who have been severely beaten, trashed, have received broken bones, raped as a little girl by an alcoholic family slimeball....

one does not have to love and should not love evil!!! GOT IT???!!!!

daking...your next...
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 70
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 8:34:59 PM
If he is not serious about going to AA then there is nothing you can do. He hast to wanna stop/ Your future life will not change without some kind of professional intervention and thats the cold hard facts.

I went out witha guy whose mother was an alcoholic. They do not stop, they wont stop, their love for you WONT wiin them around. It usually takes something earth shattering to make them stop, and it wont be you. Sorry. in my boyfriends case it was a dsigraceful party after which the entire family refused to ever visit the woman EVER again. At Christmas. Inclduing my b/f : her son. Her own husband left the house. After that she finally booked into AA. She has been sober for over 10 years and leads a good life now - but she can never drink again. Not one drop, not even in her food

Other case, a good friend of mine was going out with an alcoholic. She had 3 drink driving charges, totalled 3 cars with no insurance...and didnt stop for her b/f, my friend. In fact having someone there loving them and willing to put up with their shite, only keeps them going....it wasnt until the police arrested her and she ended up rolling around the gutter out in the street, screaming like a banshee, to get away from them and she was faced with jail, did she finally go to AA. Actuall the judge made her. They have been together for 4 years now and though she is ok at the moment, they cannot go out socialisign together, she cant be around alcohol and he lives under the constant threat of her going off at any time. At no point was it her love for him that got her under control, it was the threat to her own hide

Dont kid yourself. It is treatable, but they have to be seriou about it. If you dont take a serious stand they wont either, Not until something drastic happens. If he wont go to AA I would leave. And mean it. Else why should he change and that kind of professional help and treatment IS the only thing that will work.
 luvsbasil
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 72
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:05:34 PM
o dear he needs help and like yesterday
met a man once would fight rather then to hand over his drink
and knew a few died just to drink
{pulls up a chair and looks u in the eyes}if he has got 2 the pt. of pukin- shut the bthrm up tight windows and all and when he wakes up and walks in their it'll sober him up lol
no seriously-i held in w/ one for 7 yrs. -what can't he live w/o more then the drink?
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 73
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:08:18 PM
no apology needed angel...youre not butting in...

interesting info you wrote...

however...the us is again behind. for years now, europe has an 85% success rate in treating alcoholism while aa has only a 5% success rate. europe does not suscribe to this disease garbage, but instead teaches how to control ones drinking, and not quit forever. results speak for themselves. i think the problem here is that most clinical treatment centers employ sober aa participants, thus there is no objectivity to be had....
 smith2267
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 74
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:15:49 PM
What does he do when he's drunk? Does he hurt you?
Alcoholism can be beaten.
If he doesn't hurt you when he is drunk, and is such a geat guy when he is sober, maybe he is worth fighting for.
 RonniG
Joined: 8/12/2004
Msg: 76
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:37:55 PM
I doesn't matter how much you love him. You can't cure him or change him. He is addicted to alcohol. The only thing you can do is seek help to understand why you suffer so much. Please seek assistance in an AA and/ or Alanon program. There are folks there that can help you help yourself.

My alcoholic ex called me after 5 yrs post divorce, when I begged him so long to seek help and quit drinking during 6yrs of marriage. He wanted to thank me and wondered why I didn't tell him sooner. DUH!

I'm fine now- I understand my motivations and will never put myself in that position again. I'm seriously NOT confused. I'm not alone, there are dozens of folks that have dealt with this and you can too!
 RonniG
Joined: 8/12/2004
Msg: 77
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:57:29 PM
Hi Boise,

The disease is not the alcohol, the disease is how the alcoholic reacts to the alcohol, drug, addiction, whatever.

We can try to regulate, tax, restrict, label or whatever as long as we want. The problem is the addict and his or her relationship with the substance and the problems and hurt caused by that addictive relationship. If you look past the alcohol you might see the meth, cocaine, and other addictions that we might choose to wreak havoc in our lives. Stop being mad with AA. If another solution helps you stay clean and productive more power to you. Help is help wherever you find it. You just won't find it at the bottom of a bottle.
 dassumpcao
Joined: 7/31/2005
Msg: 78
view profile
History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 10:07:44 PM
I lost my wife to the drink. Went to jail twice,to try to save her. Ask me anything
 dassumpcao
Joined: 7/31/2005
Msg: 79
view profile
History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 10:11:16 PM
alcohol cannot be beaten. Ever.
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 80
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/19/2005 10:25:10 PM
hello RonniG


The disease is not the alcohol, the disease is how the alcoholic reacts to the alcohol, drug, addiction, whatever.
yeah...this is the standard aa propaganda..but still no cigar. how someone reacts to any substance including food is not a disease..but simply a reaction. an allergic reaction is not a disease. feeling sleepy after eating turkey is not a disease. and again...asking aa to substantiate this...they could not...thus they are fulla shit. they do not have any functional standards of credibility to go by...just their typical self serving twisted hymenism. btw...this subject has been argued before the u.s. supreme court..and in all instances, the supreme court has ruled that unlike an epeleptic (sp?)...alkies must be held accountable and responsible for their actions. thus, the states were give full liberality to determine the legal amount of this 'disease' one could have before being thrown in jail. in the last year of the clinton administration...the federal govt mandated thru unaminous approval of both the house and senate that states lower this limit to .08. thus...its the only 'disease' thats also legislated on a federal level.

anyone with any conscience would get mad if they were constantly lied to and deceived.
however...alkies being the inate liars and truth twisters that they are..cant figure this out. aa does no service doing this to those who want to recover by promoting that they cop out by claiming they have a disease, thus an excuse and lame justification for their dysfunctional behavior.

now maybe you have more insight into why aa has a 95% failure rate!!
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 82
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 10:04:54 AM
anybody can be abusive whether they are a substance abuser or not.
one does not have to be an alcoholic to exhibit sociopathic or psychotic
behavior. i run into em all the time. however this type of behavior is
more predominant and a text book characteristic of a substance abuser.
they are not all dopes...they are sharp. if they were not they couldnt suck
in people like they do to love them. however down the road...when your
confusion and chaos starts to really shred your guts...just remember this...

if an alcoholic cant con you...then they beat you down...

and it doesnt matter if drinking or sober...they possess a life sucking dysfunctional
mentality.

"i know i will always wont to be there for him because thats what being in love is all about "

ummm...not quite...this is what an abusive type of love may be all about, but definitely
not a healthy love. your love is not going to fix it...ever. it just continues to enable the process of them wrecking you...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritaully, sexually, and financially.

i humbly suggest you read some past threads of how many people have stated to
...stay away...run...dont get involved...etc. billions of people before you have learned this..the hard way. so learn from us who have been there, and not make the same mistake we have. but the bottom line is still...your choice..

i wish you the best...
 Diggy03
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 86
view profile
History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 11:17:10 AM
You are all wasting your time giving the OP any advice. She knows in her heart what she's going to do.. and she knows in her head what she should do.

I was her... at one point. I was with an alcoholic for 2 years. I even had a beautiful baby girl out of it. We argued a lot, he cheated on me, he verbally abused me... he kicked out his daughter and myself when our daughter was only 6 months old.

The OP will come to her own final answer in the end. Whatever that answer will be will be up to her. It doesn't sound like she wants to leave.... Based on experience, you CANNOT help those who do not want to be helped.

Again... you are all wasting your time telling the OP what to do and why. They will in the end do what they se fit whether you agree or not.
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 88
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 1:12:20 PM
Diggy, the OP is asking for help and advice....not the judgment you are providing.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 90
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 7:22:09 PM
It sounds like you know what you need to do...move on and find someone else who's wonderful when they're sober and when they drink. If he chooses his beer over you, then you know what you need to do, hard as it may be to do it.

I dated someone who stopped drinking as they knew they had a problem (after getting arrested for their 2nd DWI); they went to AA and didn't have a problem being around others who drank socially. But, he still had a lot of issues and a lot of anger; he also could be very rude and obnoxious to people. I don't know if he was always that way or if it had something to do with his drinking and then stopping, but, while I gave him credit for staying sober, I couldn't deal with the obnoxiousness, especially when he did it to my family.
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 96
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/21/2005 8:52:57 PM
6) If you don't think other diseases are promoted with advertising you have never seen a Victorias secret commercial.


theres a saying that came out of the ol wild west days sometime in the early 1800s.
'never argue with a drunk or a fool'. great wisdom waaay before aa was formed.

this saying is still true today...simply because no one can ever tell an alcoholic what
to think or what to do...nobody. inspite of any fact, evidence, or truth...their way is the
way of the almighty..period.

the above victorias secret quote is a wonderful example of unmitigated stupidity, and twisted & warped thinking..not to mention the other illogical logic arguments presented in that post. also...one of the most hilarious examples ive ever come across. this acute dysfunctional thought process reaffirms why alkies are so unattractive to a functional thinking person...and for a woman...forget emotional availability.

yes you do indeed have a disease...but it isnt alcoholism...its hymenism....
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 97
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/23/2005 12:53:18 PM
daking...i saw a victorias secret commercial last nite while watching the
'apprentice'...

please tell me how this tv ad is a disease?
 smith2267
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 106
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:14:10 AM
What bothers me, is that people lump alcoholics into two categories:
Either you've been sober x number of years and haven't touched a drop, in which case you're a hero;
Or you're a hopeless drunk who doesn't deserve compassion.
Why don't people realize there are alcoholics who are fighting hard, who drink less than their bodies' addictions demand and who can even attain moderatley long periods of sobriety (but have trouble with forever).
These people are trying and deserve some compassion.
And no, NOT all alcoholics are abusive.
According to stats I've read, 10% of people are alcoholics. It crosses all social classes.
It could happen to someone you know and love.
Addiction can happen to nice people.
Addiction might even happen to you someday--especially if you consider yourself morally superior to addicts, and therefore invulnerable to addiction.
 blondiebabeo
Joined: 2/7/2005
Msg: 109
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:26:17 AM
Yes I dated one for 6 years.. He has to hit bottom before he stops.. ANd he has to want to stop.. NOoneor nothing U say will stop him until he wants to.. Thats is the question for U? Do want to put up with it until he does?? Could be a real longgggggggg time.. I myself,did not.. AND let him go... Dont u think U deserve better??? (It is an Illness for him..) It is Your choice,and It will be your life if u decide to stay... GOOD LUCK..
 gaylestorm1958
Joined: 8/29/2005
Msg: 110
view profile
History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:53:59 AM
As an alcoholic that has been 19 years sober and 23 years clean, the best thing that happened to me was, my boyfriend walked out on me. This prompted me to put it down andget myself straigtened out. I went to AA. It is a tough road but I had to hit bottom and loose the best thing I had in my life. He didn't come back into my life for over a year. We married a year after that, and stayed married to 15 years. You can't do this for him it has to be his desire to stop. Right now he knows that you will always come back/forgive him so he has nothing to lose at this point. For you there is life out there and the best thing you cvan do for him is to walk away. Sometimes this is a wake-up call and I hope for you also. Good luck to you! And God be with him.
 gaylestorm1958
Joined: 8/29/2005
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:54:15 AM
As an alcoholic that has been 19 years sober and 23 years clean, the best thing that happened to me was, my boyfriend walked out on me. This prompted me to put it down andget myself straigtened out. I went to AA. It is a tough road but I had to hit bottom and loose the best thing I had in my life. He didn't come back into my life for over a year. We married a year after that, and stayed married to 15 years. You can't do this for him it has to be his desire to stop. Right now he knows that you will always come back/forgive him so he has nothing to lose at this point. For you there is life out there and the best thing you cvan do for him is to walk away. Sometimes this is a wake-up call and I hope for you also. Good luck to you! And God be with him.
 smith2267
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 112
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 11:09:02 AM
Beware of mantras--things chanted repeatedly over and over again until they are accepted as truth.

"The alcoholic must hit rock bottom to want to stop"
"Anything that keeps the alcoholic from hitting rock bottom is enabling"
"Only other recovered alcoholics can help an alcoholic"

AA is full of these.
In other countries besides the US, Therapists and psychologists do not worship the ground AA walks on like they do here.
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