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Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 114
Dating an alcoholicPage 3 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Um, why would he hide empty bottles? ^^
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 133
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/17/2006 2:36:06 PM

Is there anyone out there who can help me...maybe you've been through it. He claims to love me, he claims to want to quit...he even has gone so far as to call AA. But tells me that he is 'scared to death' of going. When he is drinking, nothing else matters....he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat, when he sobers up he feels SO bad, I can't help but forgive him.

What should I do???? Seriously confused here.

Looks to me like he isn't the only one with the problem. Read up on codependency. It's not a good thing.
If after two years he has not done what he needs to do for himself, he sure isn't gonna do it for you.
Whether you like it or not, whether it's easy or not, whether it hurts or not...YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM.
Get out before he moves to the next phase...getting drunk and beating the shit out of you for whatever slight that started him drinking that day.
You WILL come to harm in this situation.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 148
view profile
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2006 9:51:02 PM
i absolutely agree with lilmetisgirl. she has given you a personal and a professional "opinion" and she has followed her al anon program. no one else can tell you what to do. contrary to the posts here, there are people who have stayed together. however, from what i glean it is an independent and oftentimes lonely journey. the decision will be yours, but not until you go to Al Anon. do nothing until you do and by the way, go immediately. not every meeting will be the one for you. in the beginning, they suggest to try to go to a meeting a day and try all the different ones in your area. also one meeting can vary each week, so don't make immediate judgements until you give each meeting a chance. more and more meetings today are filled not only with al anoners or codependents as their primary recovery group. many people who get sober or straight also go to al anon to in turn, deal with their significant others or to help the people they sponsor, which often times means stepping back and letting each person find their own comfort level with their "bottoms". not everyone makes it, but many do and some after a long, long while. going to meetings will transfer some of your addiction to him ( a key feature) to the group, while you learn the principles and do the steps for YOU. if you leave this man and don't go to al anon, you might just find yourself another one.
my joke is that i married and divorced a man with blue shoes. so i made sure the next man had no blue shoes. but wouldnt' you know, i later realized that both men had yellow shoe laces. so i made sure the next one had no blue shoes and no yellow laces and behold! i realized after the fact that all three men had light blue shirts... the story can be stretched as much as you have time to tell it. but the point is that you are not recognizing what lies deep within your "man" and you also haven't changed YOURSELF. it is your outlook that needs to be addressed. notice you will leave him because you don't want to hurt him or contribute to his disease (enable). but you didn't think about what the disease does to you or your own addiction.
they say in 12 step programs that the alcholic seeks to "control" his'/her drinking (subsitute any addiction here that you care to insert).... but the al anoner seeks to "control" his/her much easier than to let go and accept.... instead of deny.....and find community and a higher power which need not be G-d.... or can be G-d....or mother nature.... or the 12 step comradery....or quiet moments....or connection.......this is a spiritual program but don't confuse it with gets to the soul of the matter....or the heart....or the gut.....whichever you prefer.
and as to me, i am an adult child of a jewish college teacher who said we don't drink, we freeze it and eat it! my dad was neglected and had a heart of gold, except when he was drinking. my mom's mom died early and in retrospect she and her siblings had many "attachment" issues although everyone loved her as well. my first husband was an alcoholic and together we found the program, only for him to get sober, go on what was called a dry drunk (no drinking but a lot of anger that the drinking originally supressed). he ran off with another woman and she is a dear friend today after several years of pulling the knife out of my heart. my adpted child turned to crystal meth to self medicate, and with a lot of tough love, i think she may be pulling herself up from her bottom. little sister goes to alateen and so far keeps far away from the chemical issues, but one never knows.
12 step is a way of life. you can travel anywheres in the whole world and there is pretty much always a meeting for you and new people to meet. GO FOR IT, and make sure you find meetings where the real work is done in the diner afterwards! i must also warn you, you will actually experience a number of belly laughs as you lick your wounds and learn who YOU are. namaste.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 159
view profile
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/6/2007 11:40:25 PM
join Alanon, they will help you, you are experiencing the "honeymoon" syndrome with him, you fell in love with sober bob and when bob drinks he becomes someone else, that is why they used to call it spirits.
You must not care about how he treats you, because you keep going back. If you did leave, I would suggest doing when he was sober and tell him that when he faces his fear and goes to AA to save his liver, life, relationship etc. that it is possible that he will take control of the drinking and chose to live a sober life.

Then regardless of his decision, you must stick with the fact that it is a dead end road dating a person with a dependancy on drugs or alcohol to deal with life.

THese people live in fear and must numb themselves. They chose to drink, they must purchase it and drink it unlike a child with cancer that doesn not chose the disease, I have never thought it was a disease, that sounds like an excuse or a rationalizaion to me. However, what ever works for them to put down the posion and it is a toxic poison and a depressant that they chose to intake. It seems selfish what they have done to society, famiies, wives, husbands and their children. I dont have the answer, nobody does. but like the poster whos wife will not buy him booze, he is not drinking.... just a thought.

You must protect your own life and not watch him drink yours with his down the drain.
good luck
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 161
view profile
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 12:44:17 AM
i wonder in all this time if you've gone to al anon yet? one day at a time. they say it's a beer mug. i say its a coffee mug!
Joined: 11/30/2006
Msg: 166
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 3:04:52 PM
Joined: 6/18/2006
Msg: 176
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/12/2007 4:27:53 PM
Oh, BSN, I feel for you. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 8 years, the last 4 being married to him. Reading your posting was a total flashback for me. Only you can make the final decision and everything that we all say here won't change that.

I know that my ex loved me, to the best of his ability. But, I can assure you, that your life will never go anywhere with him, no matter how hard he tries (apart from completely giving up the booze and going full-on into rehab). I made every excuse, tried to "love him better," tried to do things that would hopefully keep him from drinking. None of it works. It does temporarily but never in the long term. In my case (and in MANY cases) the drinking becomes worse. You lose friends, you are never going anywhere financially, everything suffers and you become a different person that you really are.

I don't doubt that you love this man but, staying in a relationship with him will only make your life stressful. I'll bet money that, if you left him and kept him out of your life, you would start to realise that you are better off. I don't miss the panic I felt: on every payday, whether he was going to drink the money or pay the bills; when he was with our baby, would he drop her or drive with her; would he crash the car while en route for more beer; the list is endless. You deserve better and he will not change. It's not your problem, it's not your fault. You are a good person but he has a problem that you cannot fix.

Alcoholics, who can't bring themselves to stop, are poison to every part of your life. They may love you, you may love them, but you deserve a better life than what you are setting yourself up for. Perhaps you should go to the library and have a read through some books about alcoholics. I'm sure you will find, like I have, that every story is the same and every story ends up the same.

Be strong, do what you have to do and .... YOU GO GIRL.
Joined: 6/18/2006
Msg: 177
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/12/2007 4:31:38 PM
And ... on the sunny side of things....

If you get out and make something of yourself, it is a huge learning experience for you. Like many other things in this life, living in an alcoholic relationship makes you stronger. You learn that you will not settle for something that is not perfect. You will get through this, girlfriend. And you will be the better for it if you get out and start all over again.
Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 178
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/12/2007 4:54:50 PM
I just divorced an alcoholic. I was with him for sixteen years total. It got worse and worse as time went on. He needed more alcohol to get his buzz, because he was becoming immune to it. He proceeded to drugs, and whiskey, which made him crazy...literally. He made a lot of empty promises, and I finally learned that whatever came out of his mouth was a lie. They tend to tell you whatever you want to hear, just to get you off their backs. I finally gave up, and watched him hit bottom. He actually had to be taken away to a mental hospital for a while. He lost me, his home, and his job, all in one day. When he had to go into a ninety day court ordered program, to become clean and sober, I heard all the promises again...but I knew better by then. He was right back to drinking the minute he was out of the program. My life was a living hell for a long time, but now I've never been happier! He's gone, and my house is now a home...
Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 182
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:21:10 PM
Don't give up on him......just yet.......He is sick....I am like him too.....Its hard....but if you support him to stop then he is very lucky.....some of us don't have that.....He should wisen up before he is all alone with it.......
 Pink Rose Lady
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 186
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/10/2007 9:30:38 PM
Oh my, yes they can be so charming, when they want to be. But when they are stinking drunk, they are anything but. Some drinkers loosen up and like to talk, and others get mean and won't stop until they get into a fight. Either way, it's no fun for anyone around them who stays sober. The difference between a social drinker and an alcoholic is quite clear. A social drinker can knock back a few and stay in control of himself. An alcoholic doesn't necessarily drink all the time, but when he does? He can't quit until he runs out of booze, passes out, ends up in an accident, or in jail. They can't control their anger, or their temper. They say things they would never say if they were sober, destroy things, but the next day? They might not remember a thing that happened, or where they were, or who they were with. This is hardly being responsible, nor is it acceptable, especially if there are children present. I know, I lived with one for 13 years.

Anyone who has had their life become unmanageable because of someone else's excessive drinking can learn how to deal with it at Al-Anon. They will teach you how to detach yourself, how to cope, not to cover for them, not to lie for them, or make excuses for their bad behaviour. How not to engage in arguements, but to let the drinker suffer the consequences of his behaviour and actions. They are hard lessons to learn, but they start making sense once your own life gets under control, for the only person you are responsible for, is yourself.

It's only when an alcoholic hits rock bottom will be ask for help. Some make a recovery, too many don't and go back to the bottle, dragging others with them who don't understand how to cope. Alcoholism has destroyed many a good man and torn apart families. Don't let this happen to you.

Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 193
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/3/2008 12:00:09 AM
I am blunt and upfront.

I loved an alcoholic. I did not know she was one for almost a year due to my work schedule.

When she went sober for me, she changed. It was not the same girl that I had fallen in love with.

My point is that all of this is really simple. That drinking stuff is okay in moderation but *some* people can't handle it at all.

The second point is: If you want a long life together with him not dying from his kidneys shutting down, then he seeks help and does the *man* thing about the problem. Period.

It ain't easy and I won't say that it is. It's hard on everyone. Best wishes.
Joined: 6/5/2006
Msg: 201
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 6:56:47 PM
I have only read a couple of pages of this so I may be wrong but it seems that the most common reply to your question is to leave.
This seems a very simplistic response to a complex problem. My ex was an alcoholic and although it is awful to see someone hurting themself that way, he was placid both drunk and sober so his behaviour only hurt me because it hurt him. On the other hand, my son's father was a drug addict and had no impulse control so, although a good person, wasn't safe around my son so I had to end it. My point is that the addiction is the other persons problem. Your problem is the behaviour that stems from it and whether you can cope with that or not. To say, 'Get rid' because someone is struggling to cope with life seems a little callous to me. I am a depressive and listening to me bawling and hating myself was probably much more of a strain on my alcoholic ex than his drinking was on me (although they are probably just different expressions of much the same thing). We all have problems and a partner is there to support you and let you know that you are loved unconditionally. This idea of being an 'enabler' is misapplied if it is used to refer to anyone who has a relationship with an alcoholic. Your reaction to the drinking determines whether or not you enable it. A comparison which springs to mind is that of caring for an ill child. If your child is off school ill, you look after them; you give them nourishing food, keep their temperature down, make sure they rest etc., but you can go beyond that and give them more attention than they would normally get, be nicer to them, let them get away with naughtiness because they're ill, give them treats - the latter is teaching them that if they are ill, they will be rewarded and they are more likely to develop hypochondria or psychosomatic illnesses. The former shows them that you are there for them and will help them through harder times (though can't actually cure them). The same is true in a relationship with an addict or anyone else with problems.
Having said all of that, my initial response still stands. If you're unhappy in the relationship, leave. If you feel that the burden of his alcoholism is more than you can cope with then there is nothing wrong with leaving because of that too but the situation has to be addressed for you individually not in some blanket way. He may be an alcoholic but he is a great deal of other things too and all of it counts towards your decision.
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 207
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:16:20 AM
I don't have any sympathy for you, and I hate drunks. My late wife was murdered by a drunk in a traffic accident.

I've had a lot of experience with drunks in my life too. They are sociopaths. They are people without a conscience who'll tell you anything to get their way. They are also extremely clever and manipulative. By any means, they'll achieve their ends.

Scared to death to go to AA? What a crock of garbage. What he values most in his life isn't you but his next drink. I can promise you that he'd walk over your dead body to get it too.

And his being wonderful when he's sober? Well that's a common characteristic of many drunks. They often appear to be very charming and charismatic when they are sober, but this tactic is similar to the spider luring the fly into his trap. There isn't any sincerity or honest feelings under his charm. It's simply his way to manipulate you and maintain his control over you.

And another wonderful characteristic of these scumbags is they are often abusive both physically and verbally. Of course, the next morning after they have beaten the crap out of you, they are filled with remorse and apologies for their behavior.

But who is really worse - you or him? I'd pick you because you're the enabler. You're the person who gives this guy his power by believing his line of sh*t. As long as he can convince you to stay in this sordid affair, he'll continue his horrible behavior. Of course, he'll likely continue it without you, but at least, you'll be free of him.

And why do you stay? The abuser quickly spots his victim when picking a woman for a relationship. These are often women who don't see themselves as having much worth or value. I suppose the buzz word is self esteem. But there is more. Many women are used to dominating and controlling men likely having a father or numerous BF's like this with drinking problems. They feel comfortable only with men who'll tell them what to do or unwilling to run their own lives.

Women with weaker personalities in theraputic situations often take years to change their behavior to get out of bad situations. The stronger ones or the few fortunate ones walk away and don't look back.

And finally their are only two paths for the drunk. He goes to the very bottom tier of human existence and dies, or he somehow musters the courage to turn his life around.

The Eagle
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 208
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:22:23 AM
Alcholism is a isnt about him loving the beer more than you..........he has to come to the end of himself........and i will say this......if u continue to go back and forth you are actually enabling him. 'Sometimes a person has to lose everything important to them before they see the amount of talk will help him change.............this is one he has to do on his own. If you really love this guy, dont give him ultimatims, dont coddle him. You may be his friend if u can separate the two .........he can use your support, on the other hand if u cant separate yourself from him it would be best to not see him at all. Allow him to go thru the pain of his life.........and when he is ready......he will go too AA and clean up. Until then, move on with yours......this is a dead end unless he is willing to help himself..........your love and care cant heal this one................he has to heal himself!
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 209
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:26:08 AM
Alcholism is a disease.....

since aa could not give me evidence proving this you have any you can provide me?

ps...right on EagleEricW
Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 210
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 2:53:08 PM
Its a vicious cycle that will never end. Ive been there and done that you can not change or fix a person even if they say they want to stop because saying you want to and actually taking action are two different things. its not worth an unhappy life!
good luck i hope you make the right decision
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 220
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:16:08 AM
you should yourself attend an alanon meeting, not sure if that is correct spelling, there are meetings for families/friends of addicts, i know someone who went and it helped them. look into this, go, ask many questions..good luck
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 226
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:26:53 AM
First of all alcoholics or drug addicts will not change for kids, family, or anything else; only for themselves.

You are part of the problem; classic enabler. You are loving him to death; literally.

He's scared to death to go to AA because they will make him stop drinking. He's afraid to stop drinking.

you need to give him an ultimatum because you are addicted to him really. You need to say if you dont try to get help today. not tomorrow or next week. Today. They I'm gone. I wont give you shelter, money, support, I'm done.

What you are doing is FOR YOU; not for him. You want to make sure he's safe and supported and you are enabling him. He has no reason to change. When he has no other support or options, he might change. You also have to accept that he may never change. But what you are doing now is destruction. Your not helping just making the problem worse. He has no reason to change until he has hit bottom and has no one and has no where else to go.
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 237
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/10/2010 1:26:55 AM
Ditch their ass, if they can't give up booze for love they aint worth being around. Maybe if you leave they'll sober up but probably not.

Drug abusers (and alcohol is a drug) are not worth it.
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 238
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/17/2010 12:19:53 PM

I really need help here. I am in love with a man who has a drinking problem -to put it midly. I have tried for 2 years just to walk away. I have tried dating other men, I have tried to move on with my life. I keep going back to him. He is wonderful when he is sober....I just can't count on that. He is Dr. Jekyl and Mr.Hyde personified.

Is there anyone out there who can help me...maybe you've been through it. He claims to love me, he claims to want to quit...he even has gone so far as to call AA. But tells me that he is 'scared to death' of going. When he is drinking, nothing else matters....he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat, when he sobers up he feels SO bad, I can't help but forgive him.

What should I do???? Seriously confused here.

why are you dating an alkie?

could it possibly be because YOU are addicted to the DRAMA ?

the ups & downs keep life 'exciting' ?

the calls from the police/jail, holding cells/hospital re: another DUI arrest or collision?

plenty of non-addicts out there to date.
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 239
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 10/2/2010 12:45:42 AM
I read this once in a book about alcoholism "it's a lot easier to be an alcoholic than to live with one".............Think about it, their only concern is their next drink.What's yours? Taking care of him. Life's to short , if he's making excuses why he can't quit and join AA than he doesn't want to quit, or he would of done so already.
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