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 Sully06516
Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 182
Dating an alcoholicPage 7 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Don't give up on him......just yet.......He is sick....I am like him too.....Its hard....but if you support him to stop then he is very lucky.....some of us don't have that.....He should wisen up before he is all alone with it.......
 Pink Rose Lady
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 186
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/10/2007 9:30:38 PM
Oh my, yes they can be so charming, when they want to be. But when they are stinking drunk, they are anything but. Some drinkers loosen up and like to talk, and others get mean and won't stop until they get into a fight. Either way, it's no fun for anyone around them who stays sober. The difference between a social drinker and an alcoholic is quite clear. A social drinker can knock back a few and stay in control of himself. An alcoholic doesn't necessarily drink all the time, but when he does? He can't quit until he runs out of booze, passes out, ends up in an accident, or in jail. They can't control their anger, or their temper. They say things they would never say if they were sober, destroy things, but the next day? They might not remember a thing that happened, or where they were, or who they were with. This is hardly being responsible, nor is it acceptable, especially if there are children present. I know, I lived with one for 13 years.

Anyone who has had their life become unmanageable because of someone else's excessive drinking can learn how to deal with it at Al-Anon. They will teach you how to detach yourself, how to cope, not to cover for them, not to lie for them, or make excuses for their bad behaviour. How not to engage in arguements, but to let the drinker suffer the consequences of his behaviour and actions. They are hard lessons to learn, but they start making sense once your own life gets under control, for the only person you are responsible for, is yourself.

It's only when an alcoholic hits rock bottom will be ask for help. Some make a recovery, too many don't and go back to the bottle, dragging others with them who don't understand how to cope. Alcoholism has destroyed many a good man and torn apart families. Don't let this happen to you.

Pink
 Sauder
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 193
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/3/2008 12:00:09 AM
I am blunt and upfront.

I loved an alcoholic. I did not know she was one for almost a year due to my work schedule.

When she went sober for me, she changed. It was not the same girl that I had fallen in love with.

My point is that all of this is really simple. That drinking stuff is okay in moderation but *some* people can't handle it at all.

The second point is: If you want a long life together with him not dying from his kidneys shutting down, then he seeks help and does the *man* thing about the problem. Period.

It ain't easy and I won't say that it is. It's hard on everyone. Best wishes.
 barbarella1976
Joined: 6/5/2006
Msg: 201
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 6:56:47 PM
Hi,
I have only read a couple of pages of this so I may be wrong but it seems that the most common reply to your question is to leave.
This seems a very simplistic response to a complex problem. My ex was an alcoholic and although it is awful to see someone hurting themself that way, he was placid both drunk and sober so his behaviour only hurt me because it hurt him. On the other hand, my son's father was a drug addict and had no impulse control so, although a good person, wasn't safe around my son so I had to end it. My point is that the addiction is the other persons problem. Your problem is the behaviour that stems from it and whether you can cope with that or not. To say, 'Get rid' because someone is struggling to cope with life seems a little callous to me. I am a depressive and listening to me bawling and hating myself was probably much more of a strain on my alcoholic ex than his drinking was on me (although they are probably just different expressions of much the same thing). We all have problems and a partner is there to support you and let you know that you are loved unconditionally. This idea of being an 'enabler' is misapplied if it is used to refer to anyone who has a relationship with an alcoholic. Your reaction to the drinking determines whether or not you enable it. A comparison which springs to mind is that of caring for an ill child. If your child is off school ill, you look after them; you give them nourishing food, keep their temperature down, make sure they rest etc., but you can go beyond that and give them more attention than they would normally get, be nicer to them, let them get away with naughtiness because they're ill, give them treats - the latter is teaching them that if they are ill, they will be rewarded and they are more likely to develop hypochondria or psychosomatic illnesses. The former shows them that you are there for them and will help them through harder times (though can't actually cure them). The same is true in a relationship with an addict or anyone else with problems.
Having said all of that, my initial response still stands. If you're unhappy in the relationship, leave. If you feel that the burden of his alcoholism is more than you can cope with then there is nothing wrong with leaving because of that too but the situation has to be addressed for you individually not in some blanket way. He may be an alcoholic but he is a great deal of other things too and all of it counts towards your decision.
 EagleEric
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 207
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:16:20 AM
I don't have any sympathy for you, and I hate drunks. My late wife was murdered by a drunk in a traffic accident.

I've had a lot of experience with drunks in my life too. They are sociopaths. They are people without a conscience who'll tell you anything to get their way. They are also extremely clever and manipulative. By any means, they'll achieve their ends.

Scared to death to go to AA? What a crock of garbage. What he values most in his life isn't you but his next drink. I can promise you that he'd walk over your dead body to get it too.

And his being wonderful when he's sober? Well that's a common characteristic of many drunks. They often appear to be very charming and charismatic when they are sober, but this tactic is similar to the spider luring the fly into his trap. There isn't any sincerity or honest feelings under his charm. It's simply his way to manipulate you and maintain his control over you.

And another wonderful characteristic of these scumbags is they are often abusive both physically and verbally. Of course, the next morning after they have beaten the crap out of you, they are filled with remorse and apologies for their behavior.

But who is really worse - you or him? I'd pick you because you're the enabler. You're the person who gives this guy his power by believing his line of sh*t. As long as he can convince you to stay in this sordid affair, he'll continue his horrible behavior. Of course, he'll likely continue it without you, but at least, you'll be free of him.

And why do you stay? The abuser quickly spots his victim when picking a woman for a relationship. These are often women who don't see themselves as having much worth or value. I suppose the buzz word is self esteem. But there is more. Many women are used to dominating and controlling men likely having a father or numerous BF's like this with drinking problems. They feel comfortable only with men who'll tell them what to do or unwilling to run their own lives.

Women with weaker personalities in theraputic situations often take years to change their behavior to get out of bad situations. The stronger ones or the few fortunate ones walk away and don't look back.

And finally their are only two paths for the drunk. He goes to the very bottom tier of human existence and dies, or he somehow musters the courage to turn his life around.

The Eagle
 Jax_xx
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 208
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:22:23 AM
Alcholism is a disease........it isnt about him loving the beer more than you..........he has to come to the end of himself........and i will say this......if u continue to go back and forth you are actually enabling him. 'Sometimes a person has to lose everything important to them before they see the truth.........no amount of talk will help him change.............this is one he has to do on his own. If you really love this guy, dont give him ultimatims, dont coddle him. You may be his friend if u can separate the two .........he can use your support, on the other hand if u cant separate yourself from him it would be best to not see him at all. Allow him to go thru the pain of his life.........and when he is ready......he will go too AA and clean up. Until then, move on with yours......this is a dead end unless he is willing to help himself..........your love and care cant heal this one................he has to heal himself!
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 209
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:26:08 AM
Alcholism is a disease.....


since aa could not give me evidence proving this claim...do you have any you can provide me?

ps...right on EagleEricW
 *~MisskriS~*
Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 210
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 2:53:08 PM
WALK AWAY IT IS NOT GONNA GET BETTER !!
Its a vicious cycle that will never end. Ive been there and done that you can not change or fix a person even if they say they want to stop because saying you want to and actually taking action are two different things. its not worth an unhappy life!
good luck i hope you make the right decision
 opnmydm
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 220
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:16:08 AM
you should yourself attend an alanon meeting, not sure if that is correct spelling, there are meetings for families/friends of addicts, i know someone who went and it helped them. look into this, go, ask many questions..good luck
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 226
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:26:53 AM
First of all alcoholics or drug addicts will not change for kids, family, or anything else; only for themselves.

You are part of the problem; classic enabler. You are loving him to death; literally.

He's scared to death to go to AA because they will make him stop drinking. He's afraid to stop drinking.

you need to give him an ultimatum because you are addicted to him really. You need to say if you dont try to get help today. not tomorrow or next week. Today. They I'm gone. I wont give you shelter, money, support, I'm done.

What you are doing is FOR YOU; not for him. You want to make sure he's safe and supported and you are enabling him. He has no reason to change. When he has no other support or options, he might change. You also have to accept that he may never change. But what you are doing now is destruction. Your not helping just making the problem worse. He has no reason to change until he has hit bottom and has no one and has no where else to go.
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 237
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/10/2010 1:26:55 AM
Ditch their ass, if they can't give up booze for love they aint worth being around. Maybe if you leave they'll sober up but probably not.

Drug abusers (and alcohol is a drug) are not worth it.
 sarniafairyboy
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 238
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/17/2010 12:19:53 PM

I really need help here. I am in love with a man who has a drinking problem -to put it midly. I have tried for 2 years just to walk away. I have tried dating other men, I have tried to move on with my life. I keep going back to him. He is wonderful when he is sober....I just can't count on that. He is Dr. Jekyl and Mr.Hyde personified.

Is there anyone out there who can help me...maybe you've been through it. He claims to love me, he claims to want to quit...he even has gone so far as to call AA. But tells me that he is 'scared to death' of going. When he is drinking, nothing else matters....he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat, when he sobers up he feels SO bad, I can't help but forgive him.

What should I do???? Seriously confused here.


why are you dating an alkie?

could it possibly be because YOU are addicted to the DRAMA ?

the ups & downs keep life 'exciting' ?

the calls from the police/jail, holding cells/hospital re: another DUI arrest or collision?


plenty of non-addicts out there to date.
 euphoriaholic
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 239
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 10/2/2010 12:45:42 AM
I read this once in a book about alcoholism "it's a lot easier to be an alcoholic than to live with one".............Think about it, their only concern is their next drink.What's yours? Taking care of him. Life's to short , if he's making excuses why he can't quit and join AA than he doesn't want to quit, or he would of done so already.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 242
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/17/2011 1:13:38 PM
And women actually post "not looking for drama" in their profiles.

Alcoholism and drama go hand in hand.

Alcoholics need to seek help with their problem.

That problem, and the drama associated with it, will not go away otherwise.

I realize these are not groundbreaking statements, but people have to actually and fully understand it all without the peripherals, and stop ignoring the realities over and over again.
 RotationAxle
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 243
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/17/2011 1:41:47 PM
You've got to make a plan to leave and don't ever go back. It seems REALLY hard at first, but this is what I had to do and my life is so much better because of my choice. I would never go back for anything now that I'm out of that mess.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 244
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/17/2011 3:55:09 PM

I'm in love with a man that has a drinking problem, who also happens to be twice my age. I'm 20 years old by the way.

Yes...you are definitely in need of a counselor. I'm not being harsh. You are in love with a 40 year old alcoholic? Think again. I was married to an alcoholic & let me tell you some of the things you can look forward to if you stay with this man.

his beer will come before household bills or even baby food or diapers
his penis will stop working after a certain number of beers, but he will stubbornly refuse to admit failure & you'll be subjected to his drunken, sweaty fumbling
you will feel trapped in your home after he starts drinking 'cause he's too wasted to go anywhere or do anything
forget any normal conversations after a certain point in the day
every morning your bedroom will reek of the scent of alcohol being sweated out during the night

All these things are only if he stays home to drink. Imagine your luck if he decides he wants to do his drinking at the local bar! You can deal with DUI, other women, bar fights, even more $ being spent on alcohol. The possibilities are endless. Yay! Go get that fantastic man you can't stop thinking about! He's a real winner!
 Jerilyn
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 245
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/17/2011 4:54:46 PM
I've been subjected to enough alcohics in my lifetime to want to shoot every single one I see... and then say, "there. I've cured your fvcking drinking problem"

They do nothing but cause other people pain and then dive into the bottle like the cowards they all are... to avoid any of their own.
All this garbage about it being a "disease," as though its something they're struck down with through no fault of their own and now they need compassion.... hog wash. They chose it, and they choose to cuddle up to it while they choose to harm everyone who gets within a fifty mile radius of them...

They have psychological problems, for sure, which leads to the addiction, but they do not have a disease and they do not need compassion for being selfish, destructive scum. And there's nothing you can do with them. There IS no rock bottom for the vast majority of them, and there IS no help. And if you feel you need to be with an alcoholic then its a sign they've made YOU sick. That's all they are good for.

If this is what you feel you deserve then you DO deserve what you get.
 femaleandflirty
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 246
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/17/2011 9:23:06 PM
Remember it is a physical genetic disease and he needs to go to rehab and counselling. Only the ignorant who know nothing about the condition.,say that they choose to drink and become dependent. WHo would choose such a debilitating lifestyle.... THere are degrees and degrees and many are functional alcoholics but at the end of the day every cell in their bodies crave it. That doesnt happen to all of us...

You cant help him really... If you choose to remain with him, that is your call.
If he really wants to quit, he will.... It is a dilemma if you care for him but it is a difficult disease to overcome and you cant do it for him....WIsh you the very best of luck and remember people do get sober and take it day by day with the support but not the crutch, of loved ones, like you.]
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 247
view profile
History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2011 3:40:44 AM
I lived with an alcoholic for two years.

One of the conditions was that for us to get
together he had to stop drinking. He did.
For one year and four months.

The weekend we broke up before he left what
do you think he did- went to the liquor store.

You can't save him and change is really really
hard.

Unless you have real insight into yourself are
you able to want to do the work. Work is hard,
really hard.

This is an insidious disease. He was doing great.
I was so proud of him.

I understand he has a blog so I went and took a look.

I started reading and I could tell that not only
Is he drinking again but he is back in his dark place.

I know it hurts, believe me. With all my heart.

Unless he seeks help on his own- you will be living
his nightmare with him.

Good luck.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 249
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2011 12:52:40 PM
""it is a physical genetic disease""

Nope. They've never actually isolated the "I'm a fvcking drunk gene"... its a choice. All drug use is a choice. They can't face life, because they are cowards and so they CHOOSE to drink. Becoming hooked on it may not have been the PLAN, but they end up that way knowing the risk for it as well as anyone else does...

And you can choose to move on if you become involved with one. Its going to hurt, of course, but thats where guts, and a belief in yourself comes in... and the knowlegde that you will be hurt a helluva lot worse if you stay.. and no drunk is worth it.

Let one of these bleeding heart posters cry over his stupidity and the mess he made of his life... you have to think of yourself.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 250
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2011 12:58:57 PM
You're mad at me for pointing out what you already know? I have a daughter nearly your age & would tell her the exact same thing. Fortunately I won't have to do that 'cause she lived through it & has no interest in babysitting an alcoholic. If you can't afford counseling, please consider speaking to a minister & definitely get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 251
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2011 2:20:20 PM
If you can't afford counseling, please consider speaking to a minister & definitely get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.

Both great ideas. There are also online supports boards and forums for friends and family of alcoholics. Often reading others' stories, thoughts and feelings can help us to see ourselves and clarify where we are and where we want to be.
Like SC67, my kids and I have also been through it and it is not pretty. I used to call it the black hole. It only gets worse over time unless the A is in active recovery, confronting themselves and their demons, and learning how to live positively without alcohol. And even that is no guarantee, since detox and sustained recovery are very difficult. Your life is yours and his life is his. We each have a primary responsibility to take care of ourselves, or nothing works. Take care of yourself and let yourself recover too.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 252
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/21/2011 9:01:03 PM
try to get yourself to an al-anon meeting. That will really help you make up your mind and make healthier choices. Good Luck OP
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