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Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 214
Why do men have affairs?Page 3 of 29    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29)

I am interested in the Psychology of why a man needs to have an affair? What intentions or results does he intend to achieve by commiting such an act?

I'd like to apply the above question this way: "why does a woman need to have an affair? What intentions or results does she intend to achieve by commiting such an act?"
Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 256
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/10/2006 6:11:57 PM
Why do people in general have affairs? For all kinds of reasons.

Why do unmarried people have affairs? For all kinds of reasons.

Why do married men have affairs? Because it's cheaper than getting a divorce.

A man may not be happy in his marriage anymore, but if he gets a divorce, statistically speaking, he stands to lose his house, his kids and most of his assets. He has less incentive to divorce than he does to cheat. So between those two choices, a guy is probably more likely to cheat.

Why do married women have affairs? Because they have no reason not to have an affair.

A woman may not be unhappy in her marriage, but if she decides to get a divorce, statistically speaking, she stands to gain the house, the kids and most of her husbands assets in the form of alimony and child support. She can get this if she does cheat, and she can get this if she doesn't cheat, doesn't matter either way because most states have a "No Fault" divorce system where infidelity is not an issue for seeking a divorce.

I'm not saying cheating is right, but in reality, a married man has more incentive to cheat and less incentive to divorce. And a married woman has absolutely no disincentives at all to keep her from pretty much doing whatever and whomever she wants at any time.

As for the issue of frequency of sex in a marriage as it pertains to infidelity, think about it some. Why should your wife have sex with you? If she doesn't and you want to divorce her, she takes half your stuff. If she does and you want to divorce her, she takes half your stuff. Why should she expend the effort if she can get the same thing without making any effort at all?

The alarming divorce statistics don't tell the whole tale. Not even close. Because of the people who are NOT getting divorced, that does not mean they are happily married. In fact, many are miserable but are stuck in their marriage based on their finances, their kids and other complicated situations. It's a framework where one party has most of the leverage before marriage ( the male) and the power shifts to the other party after the marriage ( the female) Or did you think the notion that a man gets plenty of sex before marriage and virtually nothing after marriage just happened for no reason?

If divorce was less brutal and one sided both financially and emotionally, I think you'd see less cheating overrall by both parties. (Men would lose the disincentive to divorce and would consider divorce rather than cheating more often, and women would lose their incentive to do whatever they want without any real consequences)
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 265
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 9/27/2006 10:04:30 AM
My husband cheated on me, and yes I did forgive him even tough it hurts so much each and every day.
I asked him why, he says now that he has had time to think about what he did, he hasn't a clue. He says he doesn't even think she was attractive.
We had a close relationship, did everything together, I always told him I loved him, but he cheated. NOw he hurts because of what he did to me.
He can't say why he did, she was unhappy in her marriage, he worked with her and they got along well as friends, always calling eachother, one day whild on a job site, she called him to her motel room and seduced her.
My husband is not the strongest person around mentally, I think that she was just free and un committed sex to him, she fell in love with him and wanted to steal him away, he was trying to break it off when he was busted by me.
So now he has to watch me as I go through anxiety attacks and heart break, I think that is his punishment for doing what he did to me.
The end result, he says he is now closer to me than ever before and he now realizes what he almost lost.
Joined: 2/13/2005
Msg: 267
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 9/27/2006 1:54:34 PM
Its mans biological mandate to impregnate as many women as possible. That desire has been weaved into him since the beginning of time. The ones who dont cheat, suppress their desire, the ones who do cheat, have acted on their natural proclivity. Thats life and thats thats that.
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 272
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 10/14/2006 4:07:30 PM




Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 280
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:38:37 PM
Nice thread to get 12 pages of responses!

I'm going to answer a sub-plot question first: can the cheater change?

Sure, but I would say it has little to do with willingness, and more to do with reason. Men and women cheat because they can justify it to themselves. Most anyone who cheats still cares for the person they are with and desires that relationship to continue. Else, they would more likely leave the relationship more deliberately than cheating.

If a guy is a chronic cheater, then perhaps he doesn't care about his partner, but is just playing around and lying. If he has been in the relationship for a while, and only started cheating... it's more likely that he still cares about his partner, and instead has found a reason to justify his behavior. In that case, I would find out FROM HIM (not the random people out here) why he cheated. He probably won't be comfortable enough to answer honestly... but use your judgment. You know him better than we do, after all.

Basically, if someone cheats its because they don't believe it is wrong for them. Knowing that a woman found a reason to believe it is wrong for her (not wrong in general, cuz that obviously didn't stop her the first time) is the only way I would feel comfortable remaining in a relationship with someone who lied to me like that.
Joined: 3/10/2005
Msg: 282
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:41:33 PM
I think people have affairs because it is a fantasy. They don't have any of the pressures of everyday life with this person. They can meet on "fantasy" terms and have their fling and then return to their normal (I use this figuratively) lives. They then use the fantasy to daydream and plan the next rendevous. There is a sense of importance, risking danger, ego involved. This is fueled even more by our disposably society and lack of responsibility. We all have to remember that what goes around comes around. Every person around you is affected by every decision you make...make good ones...screw fantasy (excuse the pun)
Joined: 3/10/2005
Msg: 283
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:45:40 PM
Anyone can change if they want to...but not because someone else wants them to. The road to hell is paved with good intentions...actions have responsibilities. If you want to change your responsibilities...change your actions
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 287
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:02:30 PM
I personally think Prince Charles is a bad example...this is a man who is forced by tradition to marry a certain "type'' of woman...honestly how many of these marriages are of love...He loves Camilla and has proved that...I think Diana got into a bad situation...she made the best of it while she could, and brought a lot of good to the world

as far as cheating goes...the problem is so many people take the cheater back, thereby's ok, you cheated on me...i love you and we can work it out...well then, why not cheat again and have them take you back again....they get away with it until someone says...that's enough i'm outta here...then the cheater goes to someone else and does the same thing....if they got dumped immediately maybe they'd get a clue...

case in point, I saw this very handsome looking man on Dr. Phil, all upset and crying over his wife, who had cheated on him at least seven times, had given birth to a child by another man and gave it up for adoption, and yet he wanted desperately to save his marriage, because he loved his wife....I was expecting a pamela Anderson look alike, but she didn't look like anything special to me, more like white trash...and all i could think was wow, here I am having never cheated on anyone in my life, all alone....and this woman has the mojo to keep a hot guy all while getting her some on the side from various men as well...

why do people stay with spouses/partners who treat them like this? I don't get it
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 294
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 11/11/2006 5:02:25 AM

Why do men have affairs?

Why not?
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 296
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 11/11/2006 5:21:13 AM
Yeah, but marriage and trust are overrated anyway. Life's a lot simpler if you remove both.
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 300
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 11/11/2006 9:26:27 AM
First off I have never cheated on my mate and never will!
But I know first hand, my last (now ex fiance) was a big cheater. Not only was he a cheater, he was a pathological liar as well. He would have not known the truth if it slapped him in the face. I was always told that cheaters cheat for the thrill of it, once they are discovered the affair usually ceases, this man kept on and with more than one woman. He would find excuses like, I needed to lose weight, I needed to quite complaining, I needed to quit helping my family, I don't do this for him, I don't appreciate him working, and you know the excuses went on and on. Bottom line.... the cheating never stopped but I did. He was constantly lying to his boss, which was also my boss, so the boss knew when he was lying, because I would get asked a question not knowing that the same question had been asked to my mate, that is when I found out that he was lying even to the boss and to our coworkers. After I discovered that was happening, he expected me to cover for him and I refused. So he left for ONE of the girlfriends he was cheating with, moved in with her and because we worked together, I found out he was cheating on her even. The sad thing is he left me for someone who is uneducated, very homely, just as overweight as I am(remember he told me to lose weight) and in everyones opinion, someone who is very unattractive all the way around. Sorry for the long post, but the conclusion is:
People cheat not for the thrill, but I think becuse they have low self esteem. I think that in their mind they want to be better not equal, therefore they find someone lower than themself. Why is it when a man leaves a woman, the new woman is always worse looking than youself? I think they think by getting someone lower than themself they can feel better about themself. It is just a sickening thought!!!!! Using someone else to make you feel better. Also cheaters will always be cheaters and liars, they kind of go hand and hand like milk and cookies. I was told once by someone: If they lie, they will cheat, if they cheat they will steal, if they steal they will kill, and I believe every bit of it. Maybe you should read the forum on Pathological Liars, this cheating man had every characteristic mentioned.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 303
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 11/11/2006 12:05:50 PM
People have affairs because of something within them. Any relationship can get dull and sex can lbecome boring. No excuse for going outside for some fun or spark. Many stay in relationships and work through those tough times.
it's generally insecurity, the need to prove that they're still attractive and desired by the opposite sex. Or insecurity is that they feel they're not deserving of the person they have and are afraid of being left.
It's the cheater who has the problem, not the person being cheated on.
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 306
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:58:35 PM
The reason anyone has an affair is because it's fun and exciting.
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 314
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 11/12/2006 12:02:42 PM

An affair is sex and if one is not getting it at home they will search elsewhere.
That may be true for some ...

... but it's not true for a person who is still getting all the sex they want at home but still goes out on a partner/spouse.

... go ballistic if/when their partner has an affair. All of a sudden sex becomes the most important thing in their world.
I would say that the going ballistic thing is more about a broken trust than the actual "sex".

However, for me it would be about both. The loss of the trust is one thing ... a very big issue. But the "random" or "casual" sex is still a big issue for me. I don't need anyone bringing home any crap that might make me sick the rest of my life. That would make me go ballistic ... without a doubt.

Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship, but it is not a "cure-all" for a failing relationship. If one partner is saying "No" on a regular basis, it's most likely not about sex at all ... it's a whole different issue that has just moved into the bedroom.
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 322
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:55:57 PM
i cannot speak from experience, but my feeling is that they are "NO GOOD"and should never be given a second chance. cheating for this man is totally unacceptable.
 new man on pof
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 335
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 3/7/2007 11:49:21 AM


Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 340
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:02:54 AM
Because their SO is not making them feel “desirable” - and someone made them feel worthy/desireable/sexy.

The same reason that females have affairs.

(this don’t cover all the cases but does cover MOST of the cases)
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 345
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 3/11/2007 11:41:33 AM
for the same reasons women cheat

in an "exclusive" dating situation, it probably means the guy/gal isn't that into you, he's/she's looking to trade up, and you'll do for now. it's very dishonest and shows little character. the guy/gal is also very self-centered and self-serving.

it becomes much more egregious in a marital situation. again, dishonest, very little character, self-serving, and unwilling to live up to a very serious lifelong commitment.
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 346
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 3/11/2007 5:00:28 PM

Men have affairs because they aren't getting satisfied at home...

I think it's pretty much common sense that people have affairs because they are trying to get something that they're just not getting in the marriage. For women, it's usually affection. I'm told that with men, it's most often oral sex.

Wise up women! Take Care of you man!

Exactly. My suggestion? Brush up on oral techniques. Men seem to appreciate that.

Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 359
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 3/19/2007 5:41:40 PM
Well! I remember back then when the court system was involved, she was clever enough to hide the fact she had a lover from day 1.
So once you get that betrayel, it's so simple to have a quickie now-&-then
Joined: 2/15/2007
Msg: 360
view profile
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 3/19/2007 6:31:03 PM
In my experience, each time I've been cheated on, it ends up essentially being the same thing.
After a while some people become uncomfortable, with long standing stability, (some would say that the world has created this stability it boring view, but that's for another day), and feel the need to "feel alive". At least that has been the explinations from friends and ex's.
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 362
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 3/23/2007 3:11:39 PM
Because something is missing in their relationship. When I was married, I was so tempted to have an affair...but I didn't, I left the marriage and got a separation instead. I guess the strict family values which I was brought up with outweighed my desire to have an affair...not sure what it was but I couldn't bring myself to do it although the opportunity was there. Although I had a fairly strict upbringing, my parents were always open about sex and I also have three I'm very open minded when it comes to sex and probably think more like a guy in this respect.
 Ginger or Mary Anne?
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 375
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 7/29/2007 3:26:52 PM
Some men are unhappy in their marriages. Some men are looking for a fantasy. Those are the two main reasons why men have affairs.

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