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 jroch914
Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 60
Do children need a father?Page 2 of 22    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
Despite many father's efforts, Family COurt (wrong name for THAT Court), says no; BUT send money
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 63
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 12:33:37 PM
^ Disagree somewhat. Maybe the stepfather or adoptive father, but not the rest. A child needs to see this father figure or role model almost on a daily basis so that he can learn from how he deals with others, how he deals with his wife, how he deals with disageements, etc, etc.
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 65
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 5:17:36 PM
Whats with all these childless people responding? Isnt this the single parent's forum? huh?


Takes a village to raise our children? OR...victims of crime responding.

Besides, so many bad parents that shouldn't be parents, it couldn't hurt to
get advice from some level headed people rather than a bad parent.
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 67
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 6:33:12 PM
^^^and please, you, do humanity a favour and stop breeding.

Verrrry constructive.
 MoBiBu
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 68
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Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 12:37:58 AM
@housekitten

>I find that it's better to be alone then in a destructive relationship

Why don't you mention the idea of fixing that relationship? Teach the kids to work out problems rather than run from them?

>I really feel if you are a good parent it doesnt matter

Who's the judge of that?
 MoBiBu
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 69
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Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 12:47:37 AM
Quoting mtndawn78:

"Studies have shown that children without father's do much better than those with no mothers... but I do suppose that children with BOTH do best of all. Considering the fact that the relationship between the parents isnt abusive or disfunctional. But how often does that happen? I mean REALLY...

I think children do better out of toxic relationships, regardless of WHO thier caretaker is,
as long as they have the love and nurturing care that they require.

Whats with all these childless people responding? Isnt this the single parent's forum? huh?"

^^^^^

What studies have YOU been reading?? The correlation between fatherlessness and crime is only one of many FACTS that are known and accepted by academia and those who really give a damn.

How about these ones:

In 1983, the US Department of Health and Human Services found that 60% of child abuse is inflicted by mothers with sole custody of their children. Almost all of the rest comes from other members of her entourage, especially boyfriends and second husbands.

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (U.S. Center for Disease Control);

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (U.S. Bureau of the Census);

80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978);

70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988);

85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992).

------

If you're going to go spout your liberal verbiage, BACK IT UP! The opinion of an obvious jaded individual isn't worth the select anecdotes it's based on. Oh, yes, very jaded: (ie. "...Considering the fact that the relationship between the parents isnt abusive or disfunctional. But how often does that happen? I mean REALLY...")
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 70
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 12:52:37 AM
^^^ to her credit, many single mom's live in poverty with their
children because the fathers are dead-beat. Although it could
be argued that she PICKED the slime-ball.
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 71
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 2:45:49 AM

^^^and please, you, do humanity a favour and stop breeding.

Verrrry constructive
 indigo6
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 72
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Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 6:46:06 AM
I am sorry for your child. But I never imagine without my dad. I can recolect the years when he was not near to us. Do to his work ofcourse. Because my mother and dad were working in different far away cities for some years in a different country. He usued visit us on some weekends, But I remember waiting every saturday morning for my dad to come. :) And go to school dejected.
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 74
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 10:50:52 AM

They are taught the acceptibility of trashing marriage. They are instructed by our actions that mom or dad is worthless or not needed. They grow up with warped values, and it spreads like a disease. Our children will seek as adults what they are taught to seek.



Although I am not married, I would never model or teach my son that marriage is something to be taken lightly or a bond to break without thoughtful consideration. His dad is never said/alluded to/or in any other way shown to be worthless. Depsite his lack of financial and even emotion contribution, my son is encouraged to see him. When he was potty training he was told how happy daddy would be to hear he peed on the potty. After his haircut today he said "i show daddy my haircut" and I said "yes, daddy is going to think you look so handsome".

Being a single parent is not the ideal, and I intend to instill that value into my son. I also intend to teach him the nature of human beings in that we can make mistakes and we become better people by learning and growing in life, through the good and bad. Also, the importance of empathy and compassion for other people who have lives different from his own. I understand your point and obviously there are a lot of single parents who are teaching/modeling these things. However, dont lump us all into these stereotypes. Many of us have learned a great deal through this process of being single parents and go on to raise great kids.
 mogrl
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 75
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 11:10:41 AM
My boys do not need their father.Every time he gets in to their lifes they end up hurt,he makes promises he never keeps,forgets birthdays ect,blah blah and then as the mother i can never badmouth him but only wait for the kids to see him for what he is.Well the day has come and now my youngest son has finally figured out what his dad really is.A big fat loser when it comes to being a parent.His older brother knew it all along.Yes right now i am very bitter,usually i couldn`t care less about what he does .
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 76
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 1:29:15 PM
And those that attack their former spouses: Why did you pick her/him? He
was good enough to marry, good enough to have a child with, good enough
to have another child, and good enough to have yet another child.

These parents didn't just grow another personality over night. Whatever
the problems I totally believe that you've contributed to those problems.

Anyway, it's your children - you will know the results of your parenting soon.
 MoBiBu
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 79
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Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:13:48 AM
Poverty and low-income have been cited as possible reasons children have problems in a single parent home. That's entirely plausible; however, the fact remains that even if you adjust for factors like income, race, etc. there is a definite correlation between fatherlessness homes and poor pyschosocial/emotional development. Fact.

Mind you, it's also a fact that mothers are responsible for the majority of child abuse. Fact.

One person mentioned University text books supporting her claim - I wonder if she's considers just how University texts are choosen (by faculty) and how academia is typically slanted in these areas.

What does a child 'need', really? Food, clothing and shelter - if you've heard of Maslow's hierarchy then this is all very familiar to you. When it comes down to it, a child doesn't need a mother or a father or really anything (but how is a child like that going to turn out?) What a child DESERVES is a father and a mother who can demonstrate mature behaviour, set boundaries, comfort them - really, a pair who are able to individually, and together, put their own selfishness aside for the sake of providing a good loving home.

That's the biggest problem today, I think. I'll admit I'm not objective in this as I tried to work things out with my STBX despite her constant partying and lack of support while I'm in Univerity and find myself disappointed today that she is content with being a part-time mother (I get my son every weekend, plus days when I take him to appointments (ie. doctor, vaccinations, ...) or she happens to want to go out). In the end, she said she had to take care of herself, because she had a lot of potential and she was quite happy with how she was doing (always a constant stream of me, me, me ... I can only shake my head and laugh).

I really question a society that seems to think having a uterus automatically someone makes one more capable to parent... that's about as fair as saying that my higher level of education compared with that of my STBX is sufficient reason that I should have sole custody of my son (though, in reality, this would increase the odds of my son attaining such a level of education substantially, not to mention the associated increase in income potential, etc. associated with that).

Men and women ARE different - that line is being diminished but the pysiological difference will always dictate that a difference exists. And for a child to observe the dynamic of those differences and how they may coexist side by side in a marital relationship is perhaps the greatest reward for those who live in healthy two parent households.

So when blu eyed gal says this:
-should (how) a man deals with others be different than how a woman deals with others?
-should how he "deals" with his wife be different than how a woman "deals" with her husband?
-should a man deal with disagreements in a different manner than a woman deals with them?

The answer to all three questions is No - but the fact of the matter is that they WILL be different. Men and women are not the same, not by a longshot, and this is not by reason of some latent patriarchical bent modern society retains (which is itself a mere symptom... a manifestation of how the differences played out under past conditions). Men and women deal with situations differently.

In the end, though, what a child really needs a good support system if he/she can't have the ideal situation he/she deserves in a society where true poverty and struggle aren't endemic (when's the last time any of us worried about having clean drinking water?) Really, one might argue that it's the wealth our society has that causes all these single parent homes... it's easy to be selfish if the recriminations aren't so bad, no need to work out differences - just walk away.

- sigh - It's too late at night and my rant is too long.
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 80
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:18:59 AM
Hey blue,

I've lived this life so I am speaking from the school of experience. I have seen how it affected both my brother and myself. Later in life, I often asked the same question of other men whom were raised by single mothers and they were beset by similar problems. I'll answer your questions below. Please keep in mind that I am referring to normal or even somewhat decent fathers (or even stepfathers), but not to abusive ones.


why can't he learn that from a mother or anyone else who's taking care of him?

Because men and women deal with things differently. For instance, a majority of women will insult men during arguments in ways that isn't acceptable for men to do in return. Also, many women resort to acts like slapping, pushing, etc during heated arguments. Watching his father's restraint (talking about normal fathers) in those situations will provide the guidance he needs to succesfully deal with the women in his life. We often model the behaviours that we see.


should a man deals with others be different than how a woman deals with others?

Yes. Unfortunately, I have seen this time and again. Women can get away with irrational or aggressive behaviour in public situations that would often result in a pissing match should a man do the same. Men need to learn to maintain their composure in most situations because the outcome is potentially more serious...even deadly. I have dated so many women or seen women just go off on a stranger that would easily spiralled out of control had it been me acting out.

should how he "deals" with his wife be different than how a woman "deals" with her husband?
should a man deal with disagreements in a different manner than a woman deals with them?

Ideally...no. In reality...yes. See above.

 redneckkountrygirl
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 81
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:50:11 PM
In my opinion. Children need both parents. But it also depends on the mothers and the fathers. If the fathers are abusers, physical or drug or alcohol use then I think the children are better off. If they are the type of parent that says, I promise and then breaks the promise every time you turn around then the children are better off. This goes for the mothers as well as the fathers. But children love their parents either way. Listen to the song...Cat's in The Cradle. I don't remember who sings it or who wrote it. But it has a good point.
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 83
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 4:09:45 AM
I had a fairly happy childhood where I was showered with love & attention from both parents..

What a question to ask,
How do people think the children happened, Immaculate conception ?
 kingofpits
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 84
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 3:18:44 PM
How men and women deal with things, little things, in every day life is so different that a child growing up without one or the other misses a whole different perspective on life. I am a single father with fully custody. My son was with his mother until he was 9, I spent every single cent I had to get custody. I would not have it any other way. I moved to a smaller town, walking distance from a good school, and changed professions to support us.
He is 12, and I know already I will all to soon be missing these days I spend with him now.
Blood in, blood out.
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 85
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 12:51:01 AM

I don't feel that the father necessarily needs to be there for the children to turn out just fine

Yes, barring any external forces, they'll grow up into those 'nice guys' that no girl wants.
 MoBiBu
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 86
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Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 2:59:12 AM
@ladyangeline

First off, I don't know your situation - what I do know is that there is always two sides to stories such as these.

Some of things you wrote were scary... who is judging whether or not the father was an awful person? Sure, there are cases where the matter is fairly easily settled (ie. child abuse) but bad feelings, for example; brought on by the break down of a marital relationship, could cause one parent to wrongfully believe the other parent is no good for the children.

I do find it odd, however, that this particular father is raising two other kids (not his own?)...
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 92
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 11:36:25 PM
ladyangeline1

I have to ask and please answer - what did you see in your husband
to marry him? Why did you see fit to have many children with him.
And, about when did he have a personality transformation?

I don't understand...i ask this questions but nobody seems to answer.

Enlighten us on how you thought he was a fit father when u conceived.

Dallas; I agree, but also a mental exam for people who want to marry.
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 93
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/12/2005 2:38:02 AM

lady, I'm sorry that you perhaps another poster made you feel the need to justify your statements and decisions

Yes...God forbid we question a woman since they only speak the gospel.
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 95
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/12/2005 4:17:41 AM
thank you, i will
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 97
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/12/2005 4:45:33 AM
^ Personally I think you would have been better off if you had read the post carefully and actually thought about it...it was called sarcasm and it was directed towards your comment.

yams mos= you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, right?
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 99
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/12/2005 5:12:55 AM
Does it involve the word 'mambo"?


If you're familiar with sarcasm, understand you're not the only one who uses it

Some of us are just better at it.;)
 MoBiBu
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 100
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Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/12/2005 12:45:44 PM
@ladyangeline

Your situation does indeed sound grim, but I'll tell you that, when it comes to children, I am inclined to believe a children's best interests are paramount - becoming a parent signals the end of your right to have selfish desires. This is only my opinion, of course, and I know not everybody agrees with it, but seeing as this thread revolves around a children's needs, your particular situation becomes more a question of "Do children need to be protected from deviant fathers?"

No restraining order? Nothing stating he can only have supervised access to the kids? I'm a more than a little perturbed that you haven't done something considering the allegations you're making - they are, after all, only allegations if I'm reading you right? A charge or a conviction says a great deal more.

My own STBX threatened to call the police one day when I was picking up my son, herself attemping to renege on the arrangement for some ridiculous reason on another (she likes such games) - in any case, when she threatened that, I DEMANDED that she do it or else I would. She did and I waited patiently, spoke with the officers when they arrived about false allegations and requested a copy of the report they would file. With no custody order yet in place (my lawyer is working on that) and absolutely nothing going on to be worried about (the police here apparantly take the same stance I do, putting children first) I was free to go.

What did she allege? I'll know exactly when I get a copy of the report - the officers said that she was worried about my state of mind, that I might harm my child! My state of mind? Apparantly there is something wrong with asking for the medicine a doctor apparantly 'prescribed' for my son (off the shelf cold medication - odd considering when I brought him to the doctor he had two ear infections).

I got the medicine after the police arrived, having asked for it again.

So, perhaps you're too busy? Perhaps things were too tough? But, when the most startling charge you've made involves child pornography and you don't know where he is? Really, you have a responsibility to each and every parent (and child) to make authorities aware of this guy!

@yams mos



lady, I'm sorry that you perhaps another poster made you feel the need to justify your statements and decisions.


Everyone makes their own decisions about what they want to share - if you're not comfortable reading it, don't.
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