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 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 46
dating a recently divorced person?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Whatever u do, DO NOT DATE A RECENTLY DIVORCED MAN!

I say this from experience. SO don't do it.

I thought my ex had dealt with his issues with his ex but apparently he hadn't. He filed for divorce and after getting the divorce we started dating. He was separated from his ex for a year but apparently the issues were never dealt with.

It was a roller coaster of a relationship let me tell u that much. He compared me to his ex wife on few occasions. Until I told him to stop and then he did stop. He still had pictures of her on his computer (they were married for 7 years) and had no intention of deleting them. He would do small favors for her here and there even though she's the one who cheated on him and abandon her 2 kids and her husband and left.

His feelings for me were loopy. Would tell me he loved me one day and then the next day he had mixed feelings for me. We broke up twice in 5 months span. He clearly hadn't had time to heal his wounds and I later on realized I was merely nothing but a rebound for him. So we finally ended it for good and tried to be friends afterwards but I couldn't. So I cut him off completely and have never been happier.

Recently divorced men or recently out of a relationship men or women are on REBOUND! I should have known that too but I thought the time elapsed in between was good enough. But I was wrong.

I got hurt in the end cuz I fell in love with him. Or atleast I thought I fell in love with him. He saw me only as a needs to end. His needs to be exact.

So yeah, don't do it.
 Tryns
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 47
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/1/2012 1:05:05 PM
Like most questions the answer is specific to a given situation.

For example in my case I was seperated for 18 months before my divorce was final (about 6 months ago). So in total I haven't been with my ex for nearly 2 years. Pretty sure I have my sh$t together after 2 years of not being w/the ex.
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 48
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/1/2012 5:15:46 PM
^^^^ yeah, I hated my ex doing odd things for his ex wife, like helping her put together an entertainment center, or finding a good blue ray DVD player. Or going to the movies together with the kids. Like seriously, why are u confusing the kids with hanging out together? The kids are gonna think, oh mommy and daddy are gonna get back together cuz they take us to movies together and stuff.

Alot of things he did for his ex wife, irked me. And seriously, I understand that u were married for 7 years with ur ex wife but cmon, does her not being faithful to u, abandon ur kids and u even make u mad?

Oh well, shiet happens I guess.

And the worst part RavenLee72, in the 5 months we dated, he never introduced me to any of his friends. I'll admit that he had cut off all his ties with his friends cuz of his ex wife but he made one friend through work. And ACCIDENTALLY we met in the car park and that's how I met his friend cuz it's not like he was ever gonna go out of his way to introduce me to him. But I introduced him to one of my friends at work and that was all he met.

When ur bf's or gf's don't introduce u to their friends, that's a sure enough sign u are not that important to him.
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 49
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/2/2012 7:03:20 AM
Ravenlee72 ---- yeah my ex bf's ex wife was a nasty woman. She would belittle him whenever she got the chance. In bed, during sex for not performing well, would slap him, call him names, wouldn't let him have friends, and she would make him sit in the living room while she's watching tv even though he didn't want to. So yeah, the abuse with his ex wife went on for so long that I think he didn't know a good thing if it hit him.

His parents knew about me, so did his brother and his sister in law, but we never met. I remember staying over at my ex's place for the weekend and his mother would call and want to do video chat, and I would hear his mom ask about me. That made me feel really good to have her be interested in me and even consider me a family.

But in the end, when my ex wasn't sure what he wanted, or where things were going with us, and especially after his ex wife finding out about us, the whole thing changed. They get into a huge fight after valentines day, and the very next day, he breaks up with me.

So yeah, the ex wife has control over him and she's the type to use the kids against him and say, u won't see the kids if u don't do this or that.

Seriously even I think now, if she was married, things wouldn't have been so bad. Ah well, I'm giving divorced men/single fathers one last chance and then, I'm only dating single man with no baby mama drama! I can't take that nonsense again!

Ravenlee72, everything happens for a reason and there will be a Prince Charming waiting for u just around the bend. Don't loose hope, he will or u will find him soon!

xxxx
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 50
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/3/2012 9:39:30 PM
Look, having been divorced myself, I can tell you that a divorce can be one of the most upsetting, anxiety-ridden, chaotic times in a person's life. It ranks highly on the list of traumatic life experiences. You can take two totally sane decent people, drop them into the middle of a divorce, and bam - they turn into whiny, vindictive, petty, psychotic morons that fight over stupid things like who gets the garden hose, and who gets to keep the patio furniture. A person going through a divorce is often on an emotional roller coaster. One minute they want to be with someone, the next they want to be alone. They can venture off on an hour long tirade about the ex, then other times they refuse to talk about it. They can run hot and cold, and they can go through periods where they aren't sure what they want. Even after the divorce is final, it can take months or even years to get over it. Supposedly, studies show that men take divorce harder than women, but men are more likely to remarry than women. The divorce rate for second marriages is even worse than it is for first marriages.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 51
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/3/2012 10:50:42 PM
Well I'm merely separated at this point but I'm getting my ducks in a row. My stbx wife and I almost never speak unless it happens to be something of particular importance relating to her daughter's needs. Technically, I suppose I'm an ex-step-father but I never liked those labels and have always considered this young girl to be my daughter. Highschool graduation will be the first time my wife and I will have seen each other since we separated - that is going to be difficult but it's important to my daughter, so I'll be there for her.

When I left, there was no fighting over possessions or anything else. I gave them everything. I only took the things that they had no use for. My wife and I are sensible enough to put the child's needs first, despite our differences. It's been more or less amicable and pretty quiet for a while now. Divorce doesn't have to be melodramatic and vindictive. In fact, from what I can tell, it really only requires one of the people to be sensible and accommodating. I just want to bring this chapter of my life to a close so everyone can move forward and get on with trying to be happy.

I think it's ridiculous to listen to people going on about this subject. You folks are projecting your own emotional problems onto me and I don't appreciate it. My wife and I tried to build a nice life together and it didn't work out. It's not the end of the world, she isn't the Devil and I'm not a monster, we're just two people who couldn't find a way to work through our problems. It's a failure, to be sure but it isn't any kind of "proof" or "evidence" that either of us are unworthy of having relationships with new people.

This whole discussion sounds a bit like a kids party. "You already had some birthday cake! You can't have another piece....THAT'S NOT FAIR"!
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 52
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/4/2012 12:04:38 AM
Life is not ment to be a battle every day for survival, been on my knees too many times, honourably so to realise that - metaphorically speaking.

We really must keep safe when dating.
George the fifth and his latent homosexuality, used his wife as his boy, and consequently kept his wife quiet, by use of black mailing her, or destroying her name if she blew it all ,wide open.
We sincerely must be careful who we date, we cannot risk ourselves with even the so called best of them - often the best are the worst.
I think dating is a good way of discovering, what life is like ,outside of the marriage when divorced , but being very cautious and keeping safe is a pre requisite.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 53
view profile
History
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/4/2012 1:35:03 AM
It's not so much about how recent the divorce was, it's about whether the attendant feelings have been dealt with.

Some people start that process well before the actual divorce date, and some never do. Those are the ones who are still ranting and raving about their exes ten years later.

My man was very recently divorced, when we first met, and I certainly paid very close attention to any possible issues pertaining to that. But so far, there really hasn't been anything of concern, and it's been close to two years now.
 1964armymom
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 54
view profile
History
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/4/2012 7:00:49 AM
As Marleen said - time isn't the issue, it's have they dealt with the issues. Years later someone may still be angry and bitter. Or a month later be completely over it because they were dealing with the issues before it was final. I know I dated too soon.

I just wanted to note that it isn't just about divorce, it's how long and how well they have dealt with any serious relationship. I have a guy friend that has gone back to a exgirlfriend several times. In between he gets involved with other women, then dumps them as soon as that ex wiggles her finger (she always wants him back when she finds out he's met someone).

Listen to what someone says. Pay attention to how they speak about their ex. Is it something like 'it didn't work out and we both could/should have done some things differently'? Or is it all anger and bitterness? or even worse is the ones that make excuses and still run anytime their ex wants something.
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 55
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/4/2012 11:45:43 PM
I have a 2 year rule of do not date a divorced person until they are single for two years. people newly divorced need time to become one again. Let them get all the playing around again with someone else. It can be brutal dating a newly divorcee.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 58
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/5/2012 7:53:22 AM
I've been divorced a little over a year, I wouldn't want a relationship with me, I have no idea what I want.

I am just like larissan described, one minute I want to be with someone, one minute I want to be alone, hot, cold, you name it. So, to be nice to myself and to everybody else, I just quit dating. With the exception of one person, I haven't been out on a date in months. I'm trying to get my sh*t together, then I'll try again.

the push/pull of wanting to be with someone but not wanting to be with someone is just too strong for me right now, it kind of sucks and hope I figure out what I'm looking for someday. I've met recently divorced guys and long time divorced guys from dating sites who are just as ambivalent as I am about getting into a relationship, it's like looking in a mirror, no sense in wasting each other's time.
 NotSeekin
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 59
view profile
History
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/22/2012 10:10:25 PM
Ms. CrystalLinda on 9/29:

I have heard shrinks say that you should wait at least one full year from the time you are divorced to start dating. You also probably would not want to date a guy who is recently divorced...


Good comments from those above and also from sierra on 9/29.
I advised my children to avoid dating/marrying divorced people. A big lot of divorced people get divorced again (and again).
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 60
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/22/2012 11:12:46 PM
From my experience, recently divorced men often need time to recover. They also tend to want to run around, play the field, and not settle down anytime soon. I think most men eventually remarry, however, unlike women who often do not. I think once the divorce is done, the guy is usually done as well. I haven't known to many divorced men that went back to their wives even for just sex. Usually, they don't like the exs too much, and the exs don't usually like them all that much, either. When a man is separated, then yeah, they might end up going back to try to work things out, especially if there are young children. I don't recommend dating a man that is in the middle of a divorce, because it is often an emotional roller coaster with financial issues, division of property, and dealing with issues with kids. Sometimes, the man has to deal with really angry children that blame him for the divorce. Sometimes, the financial settlement is brutal and very contentious, which makes it difficult for the man to be emotionally available. I know when I went through my divorce, I couldn't really date much. I had a very hard time, and I was so worried about my future, my finances, and had no idea one day to the next as to what I really wanted. It was just a bad time to be dating, and I ended up just trying to be by myself for a while until things settled down. If you are dating someone who is recently divorced, just be aware that there may be a lot of issue that they are dealing with and try not to be to hard on the guy.
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 63
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/25/2012 7:46:27 AM
"they" are all evil. Stay away from them.
 jdj7272
Joined: 2/27/2012
Msg: 64
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 11/25/2012 8:26:07 PM
It might work, it might not work, it depends on the person. After I divorced I was ready to get out there and date right away and never wanted to see my ex again. In fact, Ive never spoken to her since the divorce was final and I never will.
 Senab
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 65
view profile
History
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/26/2012 8:54:01 PM
Right! Lots of those out there who spread their legs for other women's husbands, and no regard to the fact that these guys are still married.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 66
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/26/2012 9:14:44 PM
Date who you want, when you want, for whatever reason you want...BUT, do not ask stupid questions like this, do not be afraid of failure, life is becoming increasingly shorter by the minute, and when it does stop for us, non of this will matter...
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 68
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/27/2012 5:07:46 AM

I found that if I was the first person a guy went out with after a divorce, it will not work. He wants to spread some wild oats before getting ready to settle down again. He isn't going to just fall for the first person and have it last.


Yet I have so often seen the opposite. Most guys I know, are happy to find someone else. Look at you age, and you still give the men must sow their wild oats comment.
 Asarat11
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 70
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/27/2012 2:02:56 PM
Is every date an interview for a relationship? Sheeshness, this thread is a little scary. What happened to dating for fun, meeting new people? I would have no problem dating a man who was separated from his wife, meaning physically and emotionally separated - living on his own. It would be a date, not looking for my next spouse and I would hope he wouldn't be either. The intensity with which some of you pursue relationships is concerning, and some of the responses are so dead-set self-righteous.
And, 'cause I know I'm going to hear it, I said dating, not f)cking. Although, if I want to do that too, I will.
 Asarat11
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 73
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/27/2012 2:48:48 PM

Is it better to be a 40 year old divorcee
or
a 40 year old person who has never been married


This is where it gets fun, 'cause in many of the forums the # 1 rule is if someone hasn't married by 40, they have serious commitment issues, so don't date them. LOL. Great question and shows how f-ed up all this has become. Rules and stereotyping behavior is just silly, if you're interested in someone, meet them. Maybe if you didn't throw your heart into it after 10 messages, 13 texts, 14 emails, the meet/date process wouldn't have so many expectations.
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 74
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/27/2012 9:34:38 PM
Here's a riddle: Whats worse than a divorced person?
All the middle age dimwits on here that don't have the brains to judge each person based on more complex factors as to how they are handling the divorce or why it happened. It's like all these middle age people are teens looking for singles.
I'm just about divorced and I started dating as soon as my ex left. I dated women that could think instead of just following some impossible rules.

The same people that can not think beyond the fact that a person was divorced and have set time limits they pulled out of their asses, I would consider too stupid for me, and I'm not all that smart come to think of it.

Don't worry about when a person divorced or separated but worry about the stupid people, like so many on this thread that just LOUDLY PROCLAIM not to do it. It's those mindless idiots that always get into crappy relationships anyway because they can't think and form an intelligent conclusion unless it's based on the most simplistic of ideas.

Oh and if the mods think I'm being to nasty then think about the bigot idiots that generalize and demonize so many of us.

^^ Oh hi smart Barbie, nice to see you again.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 75
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/27/2012 11:53:13 PM
I think people are crazy for a year after their divorce. I don't want to be the rebound girlfriend, dealing with crazy-making behavior: "Now I want you / Now I don't."
 Asarat11
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 76
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/28/2012 9:34:32 AM
"Smart Barbie", heh heh, Hi YBNG.

Pre-determining an outcome based on a person's current situation, past history, experience, etc. almost always leads to failure or a missed opportunity - as expectations usually never equal reality - whether positive or negative.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 78
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/29/2012 10:11:39 AM
Recently divorced men are difficult to date, I agree. I think everyone, male and female, needs time to figure out what they want before jumping into a relationship again. I also think that many men need some time to run around a bit before they get into a relationship again. Some people don't need this time, however, and are more "relationship" types. Statistics show that most men get married again after a divorce, but women are less likely to do so. If you are dating a recently divorced person, I think it's best to not put pressure on he or she and to take things slow. They just might not be ready for anything serious.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 79
view profile
History
dating a recently divorced person?
Posted: 12/29/2012 11:02:07 PM
Asarat's posts have been pearls of wisdom re: this topic.

Additionally, for some divorced folk, the actual divorce took place long before the legal formalities. Even when still maintaining the same household, the marriage was long gone. Sure, there may be some minor trauma associated with the actual legal parting of ways (who gets the Saw Stop table saw or the hand hammered Chinese wok) but the deep emotional agony of a marriage gone down the crapper is mostly removed from the present day. Their response to relational freedom may indeed be different than those who have had to deal with a sudden fracture.

TK
[Fracture?, more like dissociative (personality/identity) disorder]
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