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Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 26
If You Could Fix One Mistake Page 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I was planning on doing this is a title post, I may still do it. In all of the reading I've done, I've never heard or read anybody going through a similar situation.
If any of you had read some of my other post, I mention that I had a relationship that was a disaster.
There is a lot more information I could provide that I think this says it in a nutshell

This is the first time in over three years that I have been on a "romantic" message board setting. I had only stayed with either the religious or political settings.

Five years ago actually this month, I met someone online on a message board. For a few months we kind of talked to each other on the message board, finely e-mails, then messenger, the telephone and in December 2000, we decided we wanted to meet. She lived on the East Coast and I'm in Texas. She flew down to meet me in February of 2001.
I doubt I will ever forget the first time I saw her, it was incredible, she was the most intelligent, beautiful woman I had ever met and three weeks later, she flew down again, this time it was a one-way ticket. This was March 2001. the first year was a dream!
than something went wrong. (Now I know what, but at the time I was blindsided, nothing made sense) her behavior became increasingly belligerent, bazaar not sure if that is spelled correctly. She started stealing from her employer, I knew this, challenged her on it and it was like I was dealing with somebody completely different. She started becoming increasingly abusive and finally she threatened to kill my child. I had no choice, she had to go, I think you understand, you can threaten me but you cannot threaten the child.
This was may 2002.
I think you can understand that at this point, I had to protect my child. She finally moved out in the beginning of June. (She wasn't going to go back where she came from, she was going to stay here in this city) on June 10, she was arrested for stealing from her employer, my child had told the school counselor about her threats and on June 12, child protective services had started an investigation about abuse. On June 14 she wrecked her car on June 15 she sent me the most bizarre message I have ever read.
On the morning of June 16th, she walked out in front of traffic on the interstate and was struck by a car and killed.

It made a mess of my world.

But as I said, now I know what went wrong. And honestly I will probably feel guilty about this for the rest of my life but on a positive side, I will know I will pay a lot more attention.
Backing up to February 2002, everything was fine, we virtually had no problems. She had a few medical conditions, she was independent, wanted no sympathy and never really explained what was wrong and I never looked into it. She had a disease called fibromyalgia, if you don't know what it is, look it up. I should have. In February she had gone to a new doctor and he had changed her prescriptions. She took powerful painkillers and he had put her on a new drug to help her sleep and again, I never March, she was getting sick and had some testing done, I don't know what the word actually is, but it is where the tissues grow in the abdomen women have it. well she had suffered from this for years and they had found it had spread pretty extensively. She had had previous surgeries for this. So she was put on more drugs. I found out she had also been going to another doctor and getting prescriptions for amphetamines. I also found she was still using the previous prescriptions, she was double dosing. Looking into all of the stuff she was taking, the sleeping pills caused hallucinations.the painkillers, they have some adverse side effects also, could cause belligerent behavior, adding the amphetamines etc. etc..
Now it's like you can see a person drinking and in the evening go from a wonderful gentle person to a very bizarre aggressive abusive person.
With these drugs that she was taking, it was basically the same thing but it took a few months, the behavior change was gradual.

And I missed it!

Now I have come to terms with everything, and in all of the investigations, I learned many more things, she had a lot of problems, but these drugs allowed the demons to come out in full force.
Understand I am not looking for sympathy, have had enough of that.
A lot of her friends blamed me for everything happened, but it was not my fault. She had four children these were all adults now, at the time the youngest one was 20. They came down to get her stuff and basically they told me they were not blaming me for anything, it was just who their mother was.
I am basically getting back to my old self, the wounds have healed but the scars are still tender.

Now I understand completely that there is nothing I really could have done to change anything, but yet I do regret not being more involved in what was wrong with her.
People talk about wanting personal space, well this was something she considered her personal space and I gave it to her.
If I am involved with someone again, it will be very hard for me to give them personal space, I will want to know everything.
And I would want them to make me understand everything.
Joined: 8/18/2005
Msg: 27
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 6:04:11 AM
I would have avoided a business deal that didn't work out and put me in major debt. Its taken me a few years, but I've managed to pay off about 2/3 of that debt.
Joined: 9/12/2005
Msg: 28
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 6:15:11 AM
Dragon Rider, that was so beautifully written. It does my heart good to see how hard you worked to get to the bottom of the situation after her death. It shows the kind of man that you are. This was a lovely tribute to someone that you cared about deeply, and it shows me that she took a peice of your heart with her when she passed.

I am glad that you understand that there is nothing you could have done. I too would always feel regret for not doing more -- if you care about someone it is in your nature to want to help them and to be thre for them and to save them. Nobody could have saved the poor woman from herself though.

I think that you will have to tread carefully in the future and understand that all situations are not as dire as hers was. I think though that you are a kind and understanding person, and any woman would be fortunate to have someone so caring n her life. Not everyone is so eager to keep communication open and to help the one they love through every trial.

Good luck to you.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 29
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 7:41:36 AM
just one?...........well,...that would have to be out look on life, when i was younger.......i didn't understand why i was taken/adopted by a ministers family......and this for a better life???....ppffttttt fuking try it!!!!............many many years of self-doubt/anger as to why my own family didn't want me, many many years of confusion, leading to terrible preconceived notions about native and the white communities.....natives didn't accept me ('macintosh' = red on the outside, white on the inside)....cause i lived in the city in a big 'white' house, a garage and two cars.......whites didn't accept me cause..well ....i was native............this racial tension only hardened my own notions of this world.
it wasn't till i got to travel this country alone, roaming from Ontario to Vancouver island. it was then that i began to see how ideals/attitudes/and other peoples lives, changed from town to town, city to city. there was always some sort of tension though and i stood in the middle,....both cultures either hated them or love each other, no in between. except for me i was trapped in the middle, hating both all came to a head when numbing my pain with drugs and alcohol, they claimed my life for five minutes, was then that i decided that something has to happen, (funny how a brush with death changes peoples out look really fast).
i decided i needed help, now i know some people say ' counseling/treatment centers are for quitters' well....waking up with tubes shoved down your throat, your chest killing you cause they 'zapped' you a few times to revive you, can sure give you a wake up call, and i knew.....
i knew i couldn't do this alone.
anyways!......thru counseling and the (native based) treatment center. i faced my fears, the understanding of my anger and preconceived notions, and where they come from.
has opened my heart and mind.(there's more to this but to stick with the thread) which brings me to the original question....................
if i could go back in time and fix any one mistake in your life in regards to relationships or one character flaw that kept causing mistakes, what would it be?
my answers lies in character flaw......I'd go back in time and have a good conversation with that young man, sharing with him the lessons I've learned and hope it 'plants a seed' in him, that 'all of man kind in not a failure' or maybe try and stop them from adopting/taking him from his family.

thank you for that's givin me an opportunity to share a little of my life with others
Joined: 5/24/2005
Msg: 30
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 1:35:04 PM
@ Timber_Wolf:

You are welcome. My intention was for us all to learn from one another and to appreciate that we've all made mistakes. It also shows what kind of people we are by simply wanting to fix these mistakes. Sharing these stories helps others learn and helps us to unburden ourselves at the same time. I was very general with my story as I didn't want to dominate this thread, I wanted others to share this thread and not feel like it was "my" thread.

I thank you all so much who have posted here with such personal testimonies. It had been a blessing to read and learn from all of you. I recently responded to a thread titled "Who are your heroes?" Everyone one of you are my hero. Heroes are those who persevere in the face of outlandish odds against them. May God bless everyone one of you.

Joined: 6/1/2005
Msg: 31
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 1:36:49 PM
If I could change one thing I change it all.
Joined: 5/17/2005
Msg: 32
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 2:13:55 PM
i would have tried harder to make my last relationship work...been more patient, understanding, accepting and forgiving...
Joined: 9/26/2005
Msg: 33
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 2:40:05 PM
I would quit making excuses for other ppls behaviour
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 34
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 2:55:50 PM
Yea when I was pregant 20 years ago, I would of used lots of lotion to advoid S marks.
 Heart Bandit
Joined: 5/3/2003
Msg: 35
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 3:02:07 PM
I wouldn't go back to fix the mistakes I've had. I allowed myself to be put into those situations and I learned a lot from it. And now I'm a stronger and wiser person.
Joined: 9/26/2005
Msg: 36
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 3:05:49 PM
well said Time Fugitive....bravo.... I agree
 Heart Bandit
Joined: 5/3/2003
Msg: 37
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 3:09:43 PM
Thanks gypsy mum.
Joined: 4/18/2005
Msg: 38
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 4:35:20 PM
If I could fix one mistake....3.5 years ago I would have taken my friend to the hospital one Friday night after we came from the movies. I didn't listen to my instinct, choosing to listen to hers instead. She died hours later.

No need to message me telling me not to feel guilty. I don't feel guilty any longer, just regretful that I didn't listen to myself.

Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 39
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 4:45:32 PM
In our marriage, towards the end, we lived our lives around our jobs. Our discussions became too "adult" like and would be about the bills, jobs, etc...As adults, we need to play, we need to have fun, we need to laugh, and we really should never stop romancing each other.. The day we take each other for granted, the day we start the lying, cheating, games, etc. is when we are in deep trouble..
Joined: 5/17/2005
Msg: 40
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/10/2005 10:19:28 AM
actually, there are no mistakes...everything happens for some purpose...although i've learned that i can't change other people...only they can do it for themselves, if and/or when they decide to do so...
 Joie de vie-Joy of life
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 41
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/12/2007 11:16:00 PM
Sorry you had so much tragedy!. I must inform you and anyone else who reads your thread that Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue does not lead to suicide. I have several friends (former nurses, teachers, it affects more women than men although it is not hormonal) who have this illness to different degrees. It was not the disease but the over medications that brought such a tragic end. Any chronic pain treatment has to be monitored carefully. So, please, folks if someone close to you is diagnosed with this illness please ask how you can help? I admire you for raising your son and you sound so proud of him. All the best....
Joined: 5/25/2007
Msg: 42
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/12/2007 11:31:50 PM
3honestly i would never change one thing. it could be a small thing like something i said or whatever but something that small could have changed my whole life, at least thats what i believe. im fairly happy with the way things have turned out so far so again, i would change nothing.
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 43
view profile
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/12/2007 11:41:37 PM
I've thought about this question a few times before, and for whatever reason can never agree to change anything, just because everything because each mistake ends up being some sort of learning experience or it put you in a direction that you might not otherwise had gone had you done things differently. Besides that the point there isn't always a way of really knowing what the outcome of every choice, life is just not a set of dominoes its about as predictable as the weather.

We screw up for a variety of reasons, that if we learn from them properly make us better people for it. We're never the same people we are after a screw up, and its just a fantasy to think we can go back to a precise moment in time make a minor tweak and expect ourselves to think exactly the same, having only done a slight change. Everything that happens to us effects us in some way or another. If there wasn't a single screw up we had in life we'd never have a reason to want something else out of life and we'd just stay in the same rut for years at a time.

If anything I would have given myself chances for more screw ups.
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 44
view profile
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 12:16:52 AM
I regret nothing. Who I am is the sum of who I was.
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 45
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:24:18 AM

If you're going to change something from your past... make it something that would REALLY make things different.

Ever seen The Butterfly Effect with Ashton Krucher? I know it's just a movie but I also believe that the little choices we make lead us down a different path. Every decision is a crossroad that we chose to take, and by taking that path we change. It may just be a small change in the begining but will lead us in a different direction. I mean think about the little choice you made to have sex and ended up with a child because of it. Yes there are people that plan every pregnancy, but there are alot of us out there that it happened because we got horny. Wouldn't that be something that would make things really different???????

Joined: 11/13/2006
Msg: 46
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:50:22 AM
wow this is an old thread revived.

for me would be giving second chances. I have since learned that when people show you who they are, you should believe them....the first time.
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 47
view profile
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:52:53 AM
Also... if I fixed the problem that ended the dead end relationship, I'd probably still be in a dead end relationship....

Who needs that?
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 48
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:56:12 AM
Hmm', I wouldn't have married the calculating Chinese woman only init to get citizenship. No matter how great the sex was.
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 49
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:58:59 AM
Griffin Seeking Sabine: Thankyew for sharing a part of your heart.

My main regret in life is that I haven't found the "love of my life". I always have fun & I'm considered the life of the party by some people but I want to be loved in that special way that only someone who truly cares for you and knows your heart can do.

I have never had that.
Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 50
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 7:12:29 AM
this thread is about Relationships right??

Ive done pretty good all along.....but I find it all more relaxing somehow after i learned that being OPEN to new things/people/ideas is not a weakness. I think i used to be quick to reject things/people/ideas that didn't match my way of thinking.

Over the years ive accepted that there are MANNNNNNNNNY diff types of good things/peoploe/ideas and I make sure I stay OPEN to them. I give them a chance and get to know a bit about it all and I dont pass such quick judgements.

I give people TIME to show me who they really are. and durning that time if I am treated "poorly", if they are rude, or evil toward me.....welll that doenst bother me for one second. Their Bad Behavior is NOT a reflection on me. Its a reflection of THEM and its all simply another opportunity for them to show me who they REALLY are.....and THAT is my goal. ....>To get to k now who people REALLY are and THEN I make a decision if its good enough for me or not good enough for me or if its just too different and unsuitable for me. Then I react accordingly and do whatever is necessary to handle the situation or get rid of them if i concluded that is the best option.

I NEVER get offended by other people when I am giving them chances. I just observe. Like a scientist with the Control Group!

so to answer th is Q: I would have learned to become more OPEN sooner and learn that OTHER people RARELY have what it takes to offend me. THEIR behavior is a reflection of THEM.....not me. Its all so much more relaxing watch and experience things without taking those things too personally.
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