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 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 612
My Joke Thread.Page 10 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Lost Dr. Seuss Poem?

I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day.

I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job-I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away.
 StandUp Guy
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 613
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2006 11:30:11 AM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that **** knows I'm smarter than her.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 615
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2006 9:08:08 PM
Thai Masculinity Ceremony

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reach
the age of 18, they participate in a ceremony as follows:

They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward.

A beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle.

Behind each male is a beautiful naked girl.

As soon as all the males are excited and have erections,
the girls behind them reach through their legs, pull their
erect penises downward, and then release them.

Their penises spring back up and go "WHAP" against
their bellies.... a measurement of strength of masculinity.

And that's why the Capital of Thailand is called

Bangkok.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 617
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2006 8:36:42 PM
The Discussion in Bed

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 618
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/9/2006 5:49:44 AM
The Catholic and the Blonde....


On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped
into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only
to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.



When she asked him why he was, apparently, not
going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."



In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you
lend it to, and for how long?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 624
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:52:02 PM
Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud
as he typed.....
P...
E...
N....
I...
S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:

** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH **
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 625
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 3:07:37 PM
Seniors Dress Code



Many of us 'Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

A nose ring and bifocals

Spiked hair and bald spots

A pierced tongue and dentures

Miniskirts and support hose

Ankle bracelets and corn pads

Speedos and cellulite

A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

Unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor

Midriff shirts and midriff bulge

Bikinis and liver spots

Short shorts and varicose veins

Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least... my personal favorite

Thongs and Depends
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 626
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/13/2006 4:06:14 PM
NEW STUDY:

Women's ass size

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
asses!


The results are pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good
man, and they would have married him anyway.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 635
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/18/2006 4:35:22 PM
Sunday Sex

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work
and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a
minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of
thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely
play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid
do it."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 636
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/19/2006 7:43:41 PM
Male Mammogram

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?

You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.

" With that the bartender opens the door to looks in and says...
"You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!".
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 637
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/20/2006 4:41:45 PM
THE MOUNTIE & THE SASKATCHEWAN FARMER

A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Saskatchewan farmer driving down
the back roads.

She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and will
be held against you".

"Tits", replied the farmer.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 638
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/23/2006 8:24:57 AM
Did you know this about vodka?

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid! tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.


14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me . I've only been drinking the stuff!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 639
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/23/2006 11:06:08 AM
Corporate Lessons 1 - 5

Corporate Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a
care in the world" Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
 mysterious5
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 642
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/24/2006 1:21:00 PM
A NY City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped right beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of
it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yup, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 650
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/27/2006 8:19:21 PM
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he
accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he
got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said
"Let's have da fingers and I'll see
what I can do. Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."

What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?
Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2004! We's got microsurgery and
all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back
onand made you like new!
Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

Johnny says ... (Are you ready for this?????)

Remember this is a Newfie ..

How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 658
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/30/2006 5:57:03 AM
**POINT SYSTEM FOR MEN**

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes
and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something
she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a simple guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

- You make the bed (+1)
- You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow (0)
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-2)

- You go out and buy her what she wants... (+5)
- ...in the rain (+8)
- ...but return with beer (-5)

- You check out a suspicious noise at night... (+1)
- ...it's nothing (0)
- ...it's something (+5)
- ...you pummel that "something" with an iron rod (+10)
- ...that "something" is her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy... (-2)
- ...named Tina (-10)
- ...Tina is a dancer (-20)
- ...Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

- You take her out to dinner (+2)
- ...it's not a sports bar (+3)
- ...it's a sports bar (-2)
- ...and it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
- ...it's a sports bar, all-you-can-eat night and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-20)

A NIGHT OUT

- You take her to a movie (+1)
- You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
- ...it's called "Death Cop" (-3)
- ...you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and big
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and say "It doesn't matter, you have

one too" (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

- She asks "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
- You hesitate in responding (-10)
- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
- Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
- You listen for over 10 minutes (+50)
- You listen for more than 10 minutes without glancing at the TV (+500)
- ...she realizes your head hasn't moved because you've fallen asleep
(-4000)


SEE HOW SIMPLE THIS IS??!?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 659
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/30/2006 6:14:17 AM
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
 mysterious5
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 660
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/1/2006 10:15:00 AM
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:

"Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 667
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/4/2006 8:24:18 PM
Long-married couple

A long-married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled;
"It really works!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 726
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/6/2006 10:32:26 AM
Brokeback bar


A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay
bar.

What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's
the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.
All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
Tell me the name of your Willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE,
for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping
on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back
and Says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you
guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,

FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you
Driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a
Rock!'" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour
the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,

Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!


 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 727
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2006 7:36:34 AM
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat ittoo". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus andsomeone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 728
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2006 11:03:06 AM
Oh those poor Newfies!

Joe is sitting on a train across from a big titty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt on the bus from Cornerbrook to Gander, Newfoundland.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my ****?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented. Watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the **** blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder **** can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

Joe stares in amazement as the **** winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Sweet Jayzus, My Dear! You mean the little ****er can WHISTLE?"-

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 729
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/10/2006 3:46:11 PM
Water Vs. Wine




WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words,
we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Doo Doo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be
full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
 LMAN_67
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 730
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/11/2006 3:55:19 PM
Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.



"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."



The wolf jumps up and runs away.



Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.



"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."



Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.



About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.



"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. "



With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you **** off, I'm trying to shit!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 731
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/12/2006 6:46:41 PM
I went fishing last week, And I caught two mermaids and one smelt
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