Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > humor  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 742
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.Page 11 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
MYSTERY


Can you solve these 4 mysteries? Read carefully, the clues are so
blatant you'll kick yourself if you miss them.

Mystery 1
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately
called the police.
The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.
The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did
they know?


Mystery 2
A man walks into a his bathroom and shoots himself right between
the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with
no blood anywhere And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't
Superman or any other caped crusader. How did he do this?


Mystery 3
Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend
recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr.
Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit.
I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the
outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so
I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So
I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I
called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr.
Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Question 4
If you touch me, you will die,! but you can only live without me. I
am a big part of your life, and will eventually be the only thing
left. You will learn to embrace me finally and rest. What am I?


Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.



Think carefully, the clues are.....


Keep on scrolling down.



Would you be a good investigator?




OK you're almost there




Did you solve the mysteries yet?






ANSWERS:

1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no
mail on Sunday.

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms on the inside of the window, not the outside.
So, Mr.Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy`s
body.

4. Death
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 747
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/30/2006 8:15:40 AM
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a Little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 751
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/31/2006 3:24:39 PM
BEER, FISHING, SEX & HOCKEY

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hockey equipment instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played hockey in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, hockey, and sex."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 752
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/31/2006 4:15:11 PM
Skill test

OT, possibly





The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit
by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than
18 seconds you are phenomenal.
It's been said that the US Air Force has used this for fighter pilots. They
are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. Give it a try!! (AND NO IT ISN'T
A SCARE TRICK)
http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 756
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/2/2006 1:54:29 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home."


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.

"I had to beat him to death with the chair."



MORAL : Women are evil

Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 757
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/3/2006 4:29:40 AM
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.



Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.


Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."


Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"


In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally
-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.


Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?


But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
 AngelAndPrincess
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 758
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/3/2006 11:04:30 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few
units of Beer and then simply bat her eyelashes and pretend
to be innocently looking for a "friend", or "a shoulder to cry on"
and in doing this she successfully entices him home with her,
and then proceeds to continue on with this charade until she
has him exactly where she wants him...with her head on his
shoulder and his arms around her. All the while, the unsuspecting
male victim does not realize that he is like a fly in a spider's web.
This familiar scam is known as "The Damsel In Distress".

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to either sleep with horrific looking women with whom they would never normally be attracted, or they are induced into doing things they would never normally do like cheating on their wives or girlfriends.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what had happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred, or that they had just done something that they would forever feel guilty or sorry for, but not quite sure what.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, or out of their current relationships in which under normal circumstances they would never have thought twice about jeopardizing.

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "a relationship." once they have been able to get past the current wife or girlfriend. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.


If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.


For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
phone book.
 AngelAndPrincess
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 759
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/3/2006 11:05:20 PM
At the Welfare Office . . . . . . . . . . . .
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes or his Rolls, but he'll supply all of your clothes, credit cards and money. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
 AngelAndPrincess
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 760
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/3/2006 11:22:47 PM
A guy is in a bar with a few of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $500 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''

So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $500.''

The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 764
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/4/2006 1:14:06 PM
crane man wrote:
You are wrong on number three. Frost forms on the outside of the window, not the inside. You scrape the outside of your windshield not the inside!.



Mystery 3
Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend
recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr.
Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit.
I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the
outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so
I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So
I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I
called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr.
Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

3. Frost forms on the inside of the window, not the outside.
So, Mr.Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy`s
body.


I placed the Mystery 3 together with the solution so that you may see that the body was found in the study. The last time I checked a study was a room in a house and not within a car. I may be "English as a Second Language", but I do know that a windshield is only found on a car! I have yet to scrape the frost off the outside of any of my windows in my house!

And they said blondes were dumb!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 767
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:26:09 PM
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to ya, sir" says the attendant, in the typical Irish sounding Newfoundland accent. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 769
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:47:02 PM
On a plane bound for Toronto, the flignt attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the****it and asked the captain what he should do. The captain replied "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class section wasn't going to Toronto."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 770
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:48:52 PM
A little Catholic Humor

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 771
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:50:08 PM
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 772
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:51:54 PM
TODAY'S LITTLE LAUGH OR SMILE IS:

RAMBLINGS OF THE MIND

I was thinking about how the status symbol of today is the cell phone that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

****************************
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

**************************
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

**************************
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

**************************
I thought about making a fitness movie, for the elderly, and call it "Pumping Rust."

***************************
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

**************************
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to Say, "No, it's for company!"

**************************
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

************************
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

************************
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
************************
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 773
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:55:27 PM
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in Bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 775
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/9/2006 7:08:48 PM
Living Wills..........be careful in their use.

While I was watching the NCAA playoff games last weekend, my
wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the
need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never
wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
 Jacque_29
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 783
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/11/2006 9:14:33 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding the trail one day and Tonto instructed the Lone Ranger to stop. Tonto jumps down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He's there for a few minutes when the Lone Ranger finally asks whats wrong.

Tonto replies "buffalo come"
Lone Ranger asks "you can hear them?"
Tonto says "no, face sticky"
 kuvopolis
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 785
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/11/2006 11:20:42 PM
Did you hear about the wrestler turned prostitute?
He goes by the name Bam Bam Gigolo.

Did you hear about the outlaw turned porn star?
He went from gun-slinger to cum-slinger.

When Lorena Bobbitt cut of her husband's penis, she threw it in a corn field. It was thereafter named the "Field of Creams". Legend has it that if you enter the field, you will hear a voice that declares "if u step on it, it will cum".

What is the difference between Ruben Studdard and a Boeing 747?
Ten pounds. Now, which one is heavier?

All these aging celebrities want to make sequels of their old classics. Stallone's Rocky 6 will come out in December. He will be fighting arthritis. And in 7, he will be going toe to toe with the Grim Reaper. Harrison Ford wants to make an Indy 4. I bet they will name it "Indiana Jones and the Quest for Fiber". Supposedly, he is in a wheelchair, and his assistants hand him the relics....
 kuvopolis
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 791
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/12/2006 7:20:45 PM
Yes, they actually made a porno parodying those lovable ducklings from Duck Tales. It was named... too obvious. It featured Uncle Screw, and his nephews Screwy, Gooey, and Pooey (for the hardcore).
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 793
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 1:15:21 PM
How to get into Heaven

I was testing the children
in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale
and gave all my money
to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day,
mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy
to all the children,
and loved my husband,
would that get me into Heaven?"

I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 794
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 4:50:07 PM
Futuristic Motel



A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not,
sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve
your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman
ocated the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his
head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his
life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that
read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the
salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into
the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and
they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a
sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the
machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation,
stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine
started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and
almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to
withdraw his member..... which now had a button sewed
on the end.


--
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 800
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/14/2006 9:11:17 AM
15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: This will cost you. -Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. -Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) -Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). -David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) -Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife? ... NOT! -Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)






ewwwwwwww #8




Well you can't argue with the good book. I've been going about this whole wife thing all wrong. Oh the enlightment.
 AngelAndPrincess
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 818
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/20/2006 9:46:43 PM
Vanilla Pudding Robbery

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2nd

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
 AngelAndPrincess
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 819
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/20/2006 9:47:23 PM
Subject: The Hitman


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This
sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The ****!"

He turned to the hit-man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been
mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, but he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit-man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit-man calmly, "I think I can save you
a grand here....."
Show ALL Forums  > humor  >