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 AUTHOR
 kuvopolis
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 820
My Joke Thread.Page 12 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
longte, that was hilarious
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 821
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/21/2006 3:36:26 PM
GAS PRICES



I went into the 7-11 gas station today and

asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 824
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/21/2006 8:27:01 PM
LOGIC:

Two South Texas farmers, Joe and Ned, are sitting at their favorite bar,drinking beer.
Joe turns to Ned and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."
Ned thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Joe goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for
the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Joe says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll explain it to you. Do you own a weedeater?"

Joe says, "Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a
house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual.

That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Joe shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Ned at the bar.

He tells Ned about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Ned says, "What's that?"

Joe says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 828
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/27/2006 4:26:48 PM
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my goodness! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"


"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 830
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2006 6:39:31 PM
A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked,

"Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied,

"Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
 thephantom
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 831
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2006 12:19:29 AM
A plane was flying over the desert when it went down. Everyone died except a young man. To his delight, the plane was carrying a shit load of food and water in it's cargo. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, without a soul in sight. The young man began to get horny...

One day he spotted a female camel. He told himself,"As long as it's female, it'll have to do."
But just as he was about to insert he's ***k, the camel moved. And each time it moved away, it would turn back and look at him. The young man kept trying for weeks, failing each time.

After a month of trying, a plane flew over. Thinking he'll finally be rescued, the young man waved frantically. To his dismay, the plane crashed. Everyone died except a beautiful, young girl, who was half naked and unconscious. The young man, hardly able to keep his eyes off her perfect body, took her in his arms and brought her to safety. When she came to, she turned to him and said, "Thank you for saving me. I owe you my life. I'll do anything you want me to. ANYTHING....". The young man delighted by what she said, replied without hesitation,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help me hold the camel."
 thephantom
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 835
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2006 3:33:21 AM
What do you call a pregnant lady riding a bicycle?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.A cyclist.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 841
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/5/2006 8:03:36 PM
Time for a quickie?


Quickie #1
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."


Quickie # 3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.


Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."


Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."


Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain
man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army
has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 842
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/5/2006 8:08:16 PM
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your****
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed **** with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 847
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/9/2006 6:36:15 PM
I think the life cycle is all backwards:



You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.



Then you wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get
kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you
start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until
you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready
for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on
tap,
living quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 849
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:29:48 AM
Mid Life Crisis

Well, it's not a mid life crisis, but here's how things worked out for
me. Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a
cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed..............
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 852
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:12:49 PM
Shoppers Beware


"I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or COSTCO, but this may be
useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me and it could happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old,
well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in
the trunk.

They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag
and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs
exposed. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead
ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or COSTCO. You agree and they
get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking about what they want
to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins
kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!
While this is going on, the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday,
again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

I'm running out of purses...."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 853
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/12/2006 6:02:06 AM
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY,
I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN
N MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. ! ; COULD HE BE THE SAME
GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM,...OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL? "YES. YES, I DID.! I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-**** ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 855
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/12/2006 3:35:27 PM
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a
pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy,
me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which
Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin
Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand,"
says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy
stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has
chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with
one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin
pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my
fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will
avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, whenPaddy
again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig
has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two
fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns
which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. "I'll
tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den
we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin
tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,
Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy,
"YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND
NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one,and I'll have the white one"



=========================


A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting
subject, the Professordecided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably out fishing with his mates!!



===================================

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man
here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed " Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged itdown. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 856
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/12/2006 8:30:36 PM
Why our bodies change with age!

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 857
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/13/2006 5:39:06 AM
TICKLE ME ELMO


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 860
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/19/2006 2:45:17 PM
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the
million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead, lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have
to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question,I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 861
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/20/2006 9:51:27 AM
HURRICANE HOOPTY



Well, it appears our African American friends have found
something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman
reputedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all
Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names
that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua,
Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like
the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street
people can understand.

I can hear it now: A Weatherman in Houston says:...
Wordup, Muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on
a crotch rocket! **** be a category fo'! So, turn Off dem chitlins, grab
yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest government office
of yo FREE shit.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 862
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:03:35 AM
THE VOODOO PENI$

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd
buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his
situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her
occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Peni$!"

The husband said "The what"?

The man repeated "The Voodoo Peni$" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary
dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Peni$, door!" The peni$ rose out
of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door
shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then
the man said "Voodoo Peni$, return to box!" and the peni$ stopped and returned to the
box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been
gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Peni$. She undressed, opened the box
and said "Voodoo Peni$, my crotch". The peni$ shot to her crotch. It was absolutely
incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected
to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started
for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over
the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You
see, I've got this Voodoo Peni$ thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing
me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right...
Voodoo Peni$, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history...
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 863
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/21/2006 6:30:16 PM
BLACK ROBBERS - True Story

By far the best email I've read so far....For anyone who didn't see

David Letterman's take on this:(And it's a true story...)



On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
Quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
With her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"she
Told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
Already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze.

Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized
her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and
ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know
what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand
there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and
stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator
doors As they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My
God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Heeart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what
they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms
and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on
her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us
what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a
little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to Hit
the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to
say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to
her room -A dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred
dollar bill.

The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;


Eddie Murphy

Michael Jordan
 tordude4you
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 868
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/25/2006 5:25:17 PM
that joke was real and it was winston churhills famous line
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 869
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/26/2006 7:12:04 AM
You have to Love Catholic girls....



A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger."


St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have
you ever had any contact with a penis?"


The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled
and stroked one."


St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.


When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa!
What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water,
I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it" !

-- Life Is Beautiful --
 WATTACATCH
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 871
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/27/2006 5:51:42 PM
A Grandchild's Guide to Using Grandpa's Computer

Bits Bytes Chips Clocks
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.

Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.

Look, sir. Look, sir. read the book, sir.
Let's do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.

First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.

And here's a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.

Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.

Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted `cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you Another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the system's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 873
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/31/2006 12:07:37 PM
I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that
it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the black guy was
going to laugh himself into a straight jacket.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 875
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/31/2006 8:29:11 PM
Will Rogers.


Thought y'all might enjoy this..............


A Great Man.. With an unusually wise sense of humor. I've always enjoyed reading his stuff...........


Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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