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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 877
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My Joke ThreadPage 13 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam..
His new nurse, Evelyn,took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 878
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 12:38:58 PM
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mum fainted!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 880
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 4:11:57 PM
Thought for the day...







If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked.





Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 881
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 4:14:45 PM
Surround sound at the supermarket

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 884
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2006 4:15:18 PM
Think you had a bad day!

HIPPO EATS DWARF

BANGKOK: A hippopotamus swallowed a circus dwarf in a "freak accident" in northern Thailand according to the columnist in the Pattaya Mail.
The Grapevine column reported: "A circus dwarf, nicknamed Do, died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus waiting to appear in the next act."
"Vets said Hilda the Hippo had a gag reflex which caused her to swallow. More than 1000 spectators continued to applaud wildly until they realized there there had been a tragic mistake."

----------
TEATIME LOVE BITE

A woman almost bit off her husband's willy he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex.
In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back.
She clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan.
Both only admitted how they received their injuries after "intensive questioning" by hospital docs in Carioca, Romania.
The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two back eyes and a broken cheek bone.

----------
....and finally

DENMARK: A patient broke wind while having surgury and set fire to his genitals. The 30-year-old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of flatulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, caught fire. The man, who is suing the hospital said: "When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell. Besides the pain; I can't have sex with my wife." Surgeons at the hospital in Kjellerups said: "It was an unfortunate accident."
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 888
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:42:23 PM
>>> >>You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
>>> >>On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your
>>> >>left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
>>> >>Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse
>>> >>is unable to overtake it.
>>> >>
>>> >>Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the
>>> >>Kangaroo.
>>> >>What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
>>> >>situation?
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> If you do not know, see answer below.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 889
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/9/2006 2:18:02 PM
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a
current photo of himself in his new
location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
nudist colony, he cuts the photo in half but
accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his
grandmother. It says:


"Thank you for the picture. Change your
hairstyle..... It makes your nose look short."

Love, Grandma
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 894
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/12/2006 7:41:52 PM
GRANDPARENTS

This is priceless!

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

( this was actually reported by a teacher). ? ?





After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent

their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following :



We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They

used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to

Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look

like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because

they don't know who they are anymore . They go to a building called a

wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now,

and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a

swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting

in it.

He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.

They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just

eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.



Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it

pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his

retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in t he doll house. Then I

will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 895
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 8:31:09 AM
SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least..my personal favorite

13. Thongs and Depends
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 896
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 12:17:43 PM
GOD MADE MAN.......AND THEN





First, the Lord made man...

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"

After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole damn thing.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 897
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 12:25:06 PM
Sexual Disfunction

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it
up for my wife anymore."
The Doctor looked at the man, and replied, "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with
you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the Doctor requested. "Now turn all
the way around...Lie down please...Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your
clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 898
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 12:29:46 PM
5 Reasons Why You Would Not Want To Be A Penis!



1. You're bald your whole life
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ***hole.
And, my personal favourite...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
 AngelAndPrincess
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 903
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/16/2006 9:07:56 PM
A bartender is closing up for the night when there is a knock at
the door.

He answers the door and there's a bum asking him for a toothpick.
The bartender gives him one and shuts the door.

After a few moments, there's another knock at the door. The
bartender opens it again to find yet another bum. Another request
for a toothpick. The bartender gives the bum one and shuts the
door again.

The bartender is about to go back to his cleaning when there's a third knock at the door... this time, the bum asked for a straw.

Confused, the bartender asks "Why not a toothpick?"

The bum says, "Someone threw up on the sidewalk, but all of the good stuff is
gone already!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 904
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/18/2006 7:35:44 AM
Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are all gay.
6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 905
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/18/2006 7:39:12 AM
PROBLEM SOLVED!


A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants.

This is a major break through because Women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 907
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/24/2006 6:44:24 PM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........



"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 908
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:03:55 PM
For those who thought they knew everything
Here's a refresher course!



The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times.


Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes.


You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.


Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.


The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MUSTACHE


American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only p! lanet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,
what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.
So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!


The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.


A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 909
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Posted: 8/24/2006 7:19:45 PM
The Loving Husband


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 911
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Posted: 8/27/2006 3:12:03 PM
Which baby are you?


January
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.

February
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match.

March
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.

April
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.

May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness
usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak too much in the next 4 days.

June
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends.
Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days

August
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect.Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter. Repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.

September
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. If you do not repost this in the next 5 mins, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days.

October
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.

November
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month.

December
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. A hot new guy/girl will catch your eye & you will catch theirs too in the next 6 days, if you repost in 5min
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 912
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/27/2006 3:22:48 PM
A Little Flab


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control-top stocking." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra. "This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 915
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/30/2006 6:39:43 AM

the big pause

That was Great!



WHICH BABY ARE YOU?

Jan

Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy.

Feb

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.

Mar

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.

Apr

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.

May

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings.

Jun

You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing.

Jul

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself.

Aug

Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to.

Sept

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.

Oct

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend.

Nov

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious.

Dec

This straight-up means you are the most good- looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic.
 richiig27
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 916
CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 8/30/2006 10:30:04 AM
I like Monkeys,

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. G*ddamn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.
 richiig27
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 919
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/1/2006 5:19:57 AM
NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130  now.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 920
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/2/2006 12:40:47 PM
Nice Lawyer Story (?)

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."

Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 921
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/2/2006 12:44:37 PM
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"


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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must
have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"


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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"


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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the
husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.


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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife."


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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.


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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent
replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."


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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
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