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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 922
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My Joke Thread.Page 14 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Proof that the world is nuts....

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at hem during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than
"going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit
lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of . ?)
(Did the government pay for this research?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last...

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 924
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2006 3:59:03 PM
Penance?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 927
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2006 9:44:21 AM
Important Medical News!!!



American Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing Blood Transfusions may
benefit from receiving Chicken Blood rather than Human Blood.

It tends to make the Men**** and the Women Lay Better.

Just thought you'd like to know.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 928
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2006 12:26:13 PM
A Poem for the near future




The best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while.....

Try to memorize this poem by next December.....







"WINTER"

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre






SCROLL DOWN























lllll











ll









ll





l







l



" SHIT....It's Cold!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 929
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2006 12:42:27 PM
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the doctor slapped my
Mother.

I went to see my doctor. . . Dr. Finnie Goober. He asked if I had
this before? I said yes. He said well, you got it again.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning!

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I
asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 933
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/14/2006 3:25:48 PM
WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?". He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a *&%^$. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a *&^&^$. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 934
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/14/2006 3:29:30 PM
Love Being Canadian...


Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Canadian Rockies, were
an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde

German girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound
of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand
print on his cheek..... No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: ....The American guy must have groped the blonde
in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The German girl thinks: ....That American guy must have tried to grope me in
the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: ....The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: ....I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can
smack the American again.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 936
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/15/2006 1:07:36 PM
Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show You how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did you do that for ?"

Tarzan replied, " check for squirrel"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 938
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/17/2006 5:19:38 PM
THat time of year is coming again!

How To Avoid The FLU


Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 944
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/20/2006 2:55:57 PM
LOYALTY IN MARRIAGE

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the hell away from me."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 945
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/21/2006 2:46:55 PM
POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC STUDIES 101


How can two cows become so complicated?

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 947
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/22/2006 7:11:29 PM
Whose In Charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.""I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a$$hole is usually in charge.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 948
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/23/2006 7:35:51 AM
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an ***hole and a briefcase.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 949
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/24/2006 11:03:05 AM
Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
 itsmeinco
Joined: 5/18/2006
Msg: 951
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/24/2006 11:53:10 PM
After God created the universe, he created Man. Then he rested.

Then God created Woman, and nobody has rested since.

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 954
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/26/2006 2:58:33 PM
God & Adam


God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said "What's a headache?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 955
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/26/2006 3:06:03 PM
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you lis ten long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 959
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/28/2006 1:55:01 PM
1st Year Anatomy

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 960
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/28/2006 3:38:30 PM
A Newfy Joke


The Newfie saw a sign in a restaurant window.

It read:

"Happy hour special: Lobster tail & Beer"
"Ah, ha! " he says, "My 3 favourite things! "
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 962
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History
Here is a joke
Posted: 9/30/2006 5:52:21 AM
Possibly OT, but what the heck....

MID-LIFE

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.


Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
 mizunduztood
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 963
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/30/2006 12:46:17 PM
If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would you be stoned off your ass?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 965
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/3/2006 2:00:30 PM
[Qwackers] Darwin Awards for 2006

The annual honor is given to people who improved the "gene pool" the most, by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily, stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are.............

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
~~~

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand, caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21,dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, & had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him, while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
~~~

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
~~~

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver [loaded with four bullets] into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

* TACOMA, WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated & at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered & pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg & the other end was tied to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water & was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

* Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Ger-many) fed his constipated elephant Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative & more than a bushel of berries, figs, & prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock & lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Sh**" happens."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 966
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/3/2006 2:05:58 PM
THE REAL STORY OF THE 3 BEARS

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you/ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...............

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 969
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/5/2006 5:58:46 PM
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those ***holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
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